Wrap up your heart. Wrap up your dick. Mike and Kyle talk about the etymology, the history, the gayta, the tips, and the tricks of using condoms. You scumbag.
In this episode: News- 1:47 || Main Topic (Condoms)- 18:30 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:21:19
Tickets for our 6th anniversary live show mini-tour are available NOW for NYC, Seattle, Chicago, San Francisco, LA, and Houston. Visit www.gayishpodcast.com/live for details and tickets. We can’t wait to see you!
On the Patreon bonus segment, we talk about what went wrong with the spray-on condom contraption (besides the obvious). Get bonus segments, episodes, and lots of other great perks by joining Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.
FULL TRANSCRIPT
INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]
When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hello, everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish.
KYLE GETZ
The podcast that’s as big as a great white shart.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. If it’s white, go to the doctor.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Or, you might be a bird.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well… are you a bird?
KYLE GETZ
Wait, hold on, are you a bird? [both chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god.
KYLE GETZ
I thank you so much for listening. I don’t know our headphones fit in your tiny little ears. That’s so cute… as you’re pooping everywhere.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm. Nice cloaca. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I love that cloaca. [Mike chuckles] I’m Kyle Getz.
MIKE JOHNSON
And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And, today…
KYLE GETZ
Today…
MIKE JOHNSON
…fasten your seat belts…
KYLE GETZ
…Pigeons, et al. [Mike chuckles] We’re talking about condoms.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re talking about condoms.
KYLE GETZ
This will be a very a very short episode [Mike laughs] with minimal discussion.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hey, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Hey Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
Tell me everything you know about condoms.
KYLE GETZ
…This has been Gayish!
MIKE JOHNSON
Great segment. Great segment. [both chuckle] Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Thanks so much for listening! [Mike laughs] I don’t know. I’ve heard tell of them.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. The fabled condoms of yore. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Some people- Apparently you’re supposed to keep them in your… cupboard? In your refrigerator? I forget where.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Lettuce, tomatoes, condoms.
MIKE JOHNSON
Excellent.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. You keep ‘em cold so that when you put them on your deck it’s chilly.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
It’s like an arctic blast for your dick.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. That’s great.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Isn’t it? [both chuckle] Oh, okay, but-
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, but first…
KYLE GETZ
But first…
MIKE JOHNSON
…here’s the news.
[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.
MIKE JOHNSON
First, we have an update.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
The continuing saga-
KYLE GETZ
Is this news the first, then?
MIKE JOHNSON
No!
KYLE GETZ
Okay. It’s just first.
MIKE JOHNSON
This is the update.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, I get it. I get it. This is the update portion. You know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Okay, what’s the update?
MIKE JOHNSON
Don’t use-
KYLE GETZ
Is this-
MIKE JOHNSON
Don’t use my pedantic nature against me! [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Oh, but what- What else does it bring me, if not joy, in using it against you?
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, that’s true. Um.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, is the update that I was right and you were wrong?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes.
KYLE GETZ
Bam, bam, bam, bauw, bauw.
MIKE JOHNSON
You were right and I was wrong.
MIKE JOHNSON
The Dodgers have apologized and have reversed the ban on the group The Sex- What am I- Man. Whew. My mouth.
KYLE GETZ
Do we take that again?
MIKE JOHNSON
I should have worn protection. Uh, the Dodgers apologized and have reversed…
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Do you need me to do the news?
MIKE JOHNSON
This is great.
KYLE GETZ
Hey, everybody, this is Kyle’s news segment. The Dodgers have apologized and reversed their decision on the ban against the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, who will now continue to receive their award at the Dodger Stadium for Pride Night.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s correct.
KYLE GETZ
Did I do it?!
MIKE JOHNSON
You did it great.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, cool. I’ll just make up the rest of them. I don’t know the rest of the news, but I can just make it up. Two: everything sucks. Three: it’s still horrible. Four: some gay dude died.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That’s been the news.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s the news! I’ll read the Patreon supporters, so let’s go ahead. [both laugh] Jesus Christ. Yeah, okay, so we talked about it on last week’s show but the Dodgers have a Pride Night coming up and they were going to give a community service award to the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence who are super important and have been doing awesome charity work, especially for raising money for HIV/AIDS, and then a bunch of Catholics flipped their shit because they said that they were, like, making fun of their religion, and got the Dodgers to uninvite the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. They clearly did not know who they were picking a fight with, because all- every fucking gay institution in Los Angeles County, like, came out and said “You are full of shit, you horsefuckers.”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So- That’s a new one.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
And then- [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
I love it.
MIKE JOHNSON
So then Kyle had predicted that they would reverse that decision and invite them back and I said, “No.” I thought that they had to double down.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I was wrong.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. To be fair, I forced you to make a decision. You didn’t- You said- You were gonna say you didn’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yep. Um, okay, so- Oh yeah, then that’s coming up on June 16th. So I guess there’s still time for them to fuck it up maybe.
KYLE GETZ
For something else to get fucked up again?
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, happy Pride, Kyle!
KYLE GETZ
Happy Pride! Wait.
MIKE JOHNSON
This is our first episode of Pride Month.
KYLE GETZ
Is this coming out on Pride?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
Oh! Oh! Happy Pride! Fuck, we should have started with something Pride related.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I didn’t even- We’re not there yet ourselves, but our spirits-
MIKE JOHNSON
Unless you’re on Patreon and listening a day early, in which case you have nothing to be proud of.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh, yeah, sit in a corner and be shameful. [Mike laughs] It is not yet Pride for you. For everyone else, happy Pride!
MIKE JOHNSON
For everyone else, happy Pride. Okay, so, here’s the thing: I do think that I was maybe a tiny bit right.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Okay, how?
MIKE JOHNSON
In that the Dodgers have also suddenly announced that this year they will have the return of their Christian Faith and Family Day. [Kyle chuckles] So, um-
KYLE GETZ
Do we need- Okay, look, the point of Pride Night is we are- I mean, marketing-wise they’re appealing to an audience that usually doesn’t show up to their baseball games because gays don’t give a fuck about baseball…. except for the pants, those are cute. But anyway, otherwise we’re doing things to raise awareness for groups that are under attack, minority groups, groups that need visibility. Christians and… families… like, y’all got- you have everything. You already have it. That’s baseball. That’s just go to a game and you’re at Christian Family Night.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Like, this is already what baseball is. You have all the attention, all the rights in the country, you don’t need added visibility.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, just go to Walmart, you’re there. It’s Christian Night. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Except, Walmart still has their LGBT section.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, shut your mouth!
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna talk about that later!
KYLE GETZ
Okay. Uh, this has been… [Mike laughs] a hint to the future.
MIKE JOHNSON
So yeah, coming up in July – July 30th at Dodger Stadium – they are going to have Christian Faith and Family Day, which is- Their star pitcher, Clayton Kershaw, who I don’t care about, [Kyle chuckles] is their biggest fan. He tweeted “Excited to announce the relaunch of Christian Faith and Family Day at Dodger Stadium on July 30th. More details to come— but we are grateful for the opportunity to talk about Jesus and determined to make it bigger and better than it was before COVID.”
KYLE GETZ
I did hear they’ll have separate bathrooms just for priests to molest children.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
Happy Christian Day.
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely. Happy Christian Day.
KYLE GETZ
Let’s celebrate what makes us Christian, and that’s-
MIKE JOHNSON
Batter up. [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Eugh. [Mike laughs] The more you think about it, the worse it gets.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Christianity, everybody.
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] Okay, news the first!
KYLE GETZ
Great.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, news the first. This one’s really, really awful, so buckle up for that.
KYLE GETZ
M’kay.
MIKE JOHNSON
So there was the Olsztyn Equality March which took place on the 20th of May in Poland, and that is a thing that they’ve been organizing for a while. You might remember, we’ve talked about it on the show before, that Poland is not exactly doing great when it comes to LGBT issues. They famously have had LGBT-free zones that they’ve declared. So it’s like a heightened sense of danger there for LGBT people, But they have this equality March and uh, apparently after the parade, a woman was walking home with a rolled up pride flag under her arm and she was shot in the head with a BB gun.
KYLE GETZ
Holy shit.
MIKE JOHNSON
So- And I think that’s interesting.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Because… the intent was not to kill her.
KYLE GETZ
Right.
MIKE JOHNSON
The intent was to send a message and dehumanize.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like-
KYLE GETZ
Injure, at least, and scare the shit out of her and- Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. “The victim suffered minor head injuries and was checked over in hospital before being released. The case has been reported to police but the perpetrator has not yet been found.” Willing to bet that they will never find that person, because the police have to give a shit.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So yeah, the Equality March organizers released a statement saying, quote, “This is an attack on all of us! Even if the police refuse to see a link between the shooting and the Equality March, we explicitly condemn this attack as an act of violence directed against the entire LGBTQIA+ community and its allies.” “This is what we face all over Poland, including Ols-” “Ols-” “Ols-” I don’t know how to say that city’s name, Kyle. [Kyle chuckles] “…Olsztyn. This is our home and we have the right to feel safe here. You will not intimidate us!” There’s only one vowel in that name, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yeah. [Mike laughs] Polish language loves every consonant, especially Z’s and V’s and K’s in case, like all in a row.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep. Yep. ILGA-Europe has rated Poland as the worst EU nation for LGBTQ+ rights.
KYLE GETZ
Wooow.
MIKE JOHNSON
Comes in last, out of 27 countries ranked based on how their laws and policies impact the lives of LGBTQ+ people.
KYLE GETZ
Ew.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, first of all, thanks for having this Equality March. Clearly it’s a place where that is needed.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sorry about the BB gun to the head, that’s not so great.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Also, very glad that this isn’t, like, a murder fatality situation for us to be reporting on.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, Poland, get your shit together!
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. It’s one of those things where it’s like- People are like “You rub it in our faces,” like “You’re-” and it’s, like… someone was just walking home. Like, with a rolled up pride flag under her arm! Like, was just walking home!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Just walking home. Being a human.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
[sighs] News the second.
KYLE GETZ
Great.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Uh, Houghton University in western New York has fired two former dormitory directors. That is a small Christian University. And they said it’s simply because they refused to remove their pronouns from their email signatures.
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] Yeah. Shua Wilmot and Raegan Zelaya, who have unconventional names and that’s their defense for why they included their pronouns, I’ll go into that in just a little bit. But uh, yeah, Wilmot goes by he/him pronouns, Zelaya goes by she/her pronouns. So the university implemented a new policy for email formats in September, indicating that they should not include any “adornment” to your name, like pronouns.
KYLE GETZ
“Adornment”.
MIKE JOHNSON
So Wilmot said “My name is Shua. It’s an unusual name. And it ends with a vowel, ‘a,’ that is traditionally feminine in many languages.” “If you get an email from me and you don’t know who I am, you might not know how to gender me.” So he puts he/him. [chuckles] Like, plus, everybody should put their fuckin’ pronouns. It is so easy to do and pisses off the right people, [Kyle laughs] and indicates your support to people who need support.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like it’s-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Please just do it.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
There are similar controversies that are going on, one right here in our own backyard. There are 16 plaintiffs that are suing Seattle Pacific University, which is a Christian liberal arts college less than a mile from here, that the school has an employment policy that bars people that are in same-sex relationships from any full-time job on campus.
KYLE GETZ
Damn.
MIKE JOHNSON
In New York City, LGBTQ students are challenging Yeshiva University’s decision to bar their student-run club from campus. We’ve talked about that before. It’s just, they are being even more freaked out, and bold, and horseshit about things because God. And I just- It’s so stupid.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. These people didn’t know what pronouns were like a year ago, and now they hate them. And it’s one of those things where it’s like… no one- Like “We will not share, like, what our gender is.” And then you’re like “Okay, ‘Mr. Smith’. Like, what do I call you now? Do I just call you ‘Smith’?” And then I saw, like, someone that was trying to pass some dumb law about talking about sexual orientation and was like “Okay, when I talk about George Washington, who was he married to? Can I not talk about her?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Right?
KYLE GETZ
That’s- People- They don’t register that sex- they themselves have a sexual orientation. They sit themselves out of gender identity, that pronouns exist and we use them all the time. They don’t know that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, obviously, we don’t mean the normal one, Kyle. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
We don’t mean the normal one, we mean that weird one like you people. Yeah, exactly. It’s just so frustrating, because you use pronouns all the time.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
And you’re just- You’re just now picking up on, if you put this in your email signature, that that means I support trans people, and everything is about just attacking trans people right now.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep. 100% is, and I’m so, so sorry.
KYLE GETZ
It sucks.
MIKE JOHNSON
[sighs] News the last. Uh, it’s not gonna get better, Kyle. It’s just- The hits keep on comin’.
KYLE GETZ
M’kay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, but let’s talk about Target.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I had to go back and listen. I apparently didn’t talk about it on the show last week at all. You sort of did, but um-
KYLE GETZ
No. No, no, no, I- [laughs] Someone mentioned- I mentioned, like, “Oh, I think it’s great when-” Um, Rachael, from our Queer Jews episode, mentioned, like, “It’s great when I go into-” and I forget if she actually said a place, but I use the example of “…in Target, that I see rainbow colors, and that shows…” Like, that there’s something cool and useful about that even though it’s coming from a place of corporate greed. Like, it’s still a cool thing to see.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, apparently Target has made the decision to remove some of its Pride merchandise, in light of threats the company received. Target announced this week, quote, “[We’re] removing items that have been at the center of the most significant confrontational behavior.” So, customers have antagonized Target workers, damaged merchandise displays, made threats via social media, and they are relenting by removing the most controversial of the items. The right wing is really focused on a tuck-friendly swimsuit, saying that it was being marketed to children. It’s not. It’s clearly identified as being for adults. But they’re also objecting to merchandise from trans designer Erik Carnell. Some of his products feature skulls, demons, and other scary images but Target wasn’t carrying those, instead selling tote bags and sweatshirts from the designer with pro-LGBTQ+ slogans. The Target employees in the south told Business Insider that the company has quit marketing some trans-focused Pride items and that the tuck-friendly swimwear is no longer available. In some stores, Pride displays have been moved from the front of the store to less prominent areas. So, between this and Anheuser-Busch and the Bud Light stuff, they’re losing their goddamn minds this Pride, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Fucking straight people, get your shit together.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Go attack a fellow straight person.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] If you want to attack anyone this Pride, attack another straight person.
MIKE JOHNSON
I want some straight-on-straight violence in the Pride section of Target.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, it’s really frustrating because this is exactly the issue with corporate Pride, is that because it’s not- its foundation is not rooted on the equal treatment of all LGBT people and working towards achieving that end goal, when it is threatened what we have to do is- Well, we can’t stop being gay and we can’t stop fighting for equality, so we have to stick by our morals and what we believe. Whereas, when Target is attacked, what they’re gonna look at is “How does this affect my money and my ability to employ people and, you know, which helps us make money and all that stuff?” And so it will cave because the root – the root reason this is coming up – is very different. So this is the- We’re seeing the downsides of corporate Pride. We have to know that it is temporary, it is built upon the idea of money, and it doesn’t actually care that much about LGBT rights.
MIKE JOHNSON
I will also say: I was in this, like, bubble that said that we had made it.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
That we had reached a point in our society, in our culture, where gay people, even if not everybody was on board, that we had arrived on the stage in a place where companies had to back us, at least for June.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right? And that has been shattered this year, right? Like, between the Dodgers, and Bud Light, and Target, and whatever else is going on out there in the universe. Apparently not, right? Like, a big enough of a stink, which apparently the right is willing to make this year- It is no longer… It’s no longer a slam dunk. It’s no longer, like, a for sure thing that we’re gonna be supported.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And that’s a wakeup call. I hope that’s a wakeup call to every queer person that listens to this show. Like, it’s- We’re taking huge, giant, massive steps backward.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And… I don’t know what to do about it.
KYLE GETZ
And the parts of our community- Gender-nonconformity seems to be the central pillar, whether that’s drag queens, or trans people, or Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Like, gender-nonconformity is being brought into the, like, limelight of attack. And so we need to be sure that, with the rights, and social understanding, and laws that gay people have gained, that this is the time where all those people who have often been at the forefront of fighting for our rights in history, that we continue to show that we are all together in this, that you’re attacking everyone when you do that, that we- Like, it would be very easy to want- Some groups just want to break off and be like “Eh, no. Like, gays and lesbians will just keep plugging along,” and it’s, like… That can’t happen.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So now’s the time to, like, double down efforts and support for those in our community that need it most. And, you know, previously we’ve seen people of color and Black people being attacked even within our within our community. And we need to continue to look out for those that are at most risk of attack and-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. And, like, the murder rate for trans women of color was astronomical, even before this year when the right wing crazies got crazier.
KYLE GETZ
Yep. Yep. Absolutely.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, great. Happy Pride, Kyle. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Happy Pride, Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s the news!
KYLE GETZ
That’s the news. Speaking of none of that, because we’re gonna… because we’re happy now, I wanna-
MIKE JOHNSON
Segues!
KYLE GETZ
Speaking of segues, um, I want to ride on over to the following Patreon member. Thank you to J Louviere.
MIKE JOHNSON
Lou- Louviere?
KYLE GETZ
[speaking Frenchly] Louvieree. Louvieree. Louvieroo. Roo hoo hoo hoo! [speaking normally] Thank you for supporting us.
MIKE JOHNSON
J.L.
KYLE GETZ
J.L., for supporting us. [both laugh] If you want episodes a day early, ad-free episodes, bonus content, episodes, bonus video, merch stuff, go to gayishpodcast.com- Nope. You can go there, and it’ll be fun, but you should also go to patreon.com/gayishpodcast.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, do it. Do you want to talk about condoms, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
Let’s talk about condoms.
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s talk about condoms.
KYLE GETZ
Let’s find something to talk about condoms. So…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
…when was the last time you used a condom, Mike?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, for dick purposes?
KYLE GETZ
What? [Mike laughs] No. Now I want to know what the last time you used it, regardless.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Wouldn’t you like to know, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
Mhm!
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] No, last time I use a condom, uh… um…
KYLE GETZ
Water balloon fight? I’m trying to think of what else you could use them for.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like a year ago?
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Oh! Good for you.
MIKE JOHNSON
You know. Sure. Why not?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Umm… how about you?
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Boy, it was the spring of 2011… [both laugh] No, I don’t know. Um, I did use one not too long ago with someone that was like “I-”
MIKE JOHNSON
…Preferred that?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON and KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So, like, within the past year, I’d say.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I mean, I think… It’s really interesting, because I feel a sense of personal responsibility and, like, I want to be a good role model and do the, like, “Do as I say, don’t do as I do,” thing.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And I’m not super great at using condoms.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And I’m guilty of what I think a lot of gay men are guilty of, which was, like, PrEP came out and now that HIV is off the table, everything else give me penicillin and I’m fine, and go, like, go, you know, raw dog. And that’s not great.
KYLE GETZ
Well, we’ll talk a little bit more about that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Um, about whether that’s true. But um, yeah, I think there’s both our personal- Like, yeah, I don’t necessarily want people to do what I do because it’s not great but, like, let’s talk about why that is and some of the risks that we are taking, because I want other people to make their own decision, but also knowing what the risks are. I think there’s- It’s misleading to think like “Oh, yeah, I could just maybe get, you know, chlamydia and that’s it.” Like there are a lot of other stuff, even if it’s not HIV, that you can get.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like…
MIKE JOHNSON
Syphilis, herpes, gonorrhea, uh… monkeypox.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yep, yep. There’s plenty of other things that you are risking by not using condoms, and-
MIKE JOHNSON
Like getting your heart broken. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Aww, there’s no condom for your heart.
MIKE JOHNSON
Break hearts, not condoms, everybody. [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Um, wrap up your heart.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Next time before you have sex, wrap up your heart, everybody.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God.
KYLE GETZ
It’s the most likely thing to… get syphilis.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Great. Great. Great, great, great. Believe it or not, that kind of is a good segue into the history of condoms, Kyle!
KYLE GETZ
Sure, okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna talk about the history of condoms first.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
So according to Etymonline, one of my very favorite sites, I use it a lot-
KYLE GETZ
“Adam Online”?
MIKE JOHNSON
“Etymonline”.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Etymology online.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, oh, oh. Got it.
MIKE JOHNSON
…We’re not exactly sure where the word “condom” came from. So there’s a theory that it came from a British physician during the reign of Charles II. That story was traceable back to 1709 but there’s no evidence that that person actually existed. Like, Dr. Condom was not a person.
KYLE GETZ
Dr. Condom, [laughs] The worst superhero.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
“Hey, kids, I shoot condoms out of my eyeballs,” and they’re like “We don’t use that, so you’re really pointless, Dr. Condom.”
MIKE JOHNSON
The word “condom” is not in the original OED from 1890, so it was fairly uncommon until recently. And uh, it also- Some variations on the spelling of it over the years suggests that it might be from the Italian word “guantone” or “guanto” which means “glove”.
KYLE GETZ
Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. And apparently, like, there’s a measurable spike in usage in November of 1986 in a speech by Surgeon General C. Everett Koop on AIDS prevention and the importance of condoms in AIDS prevention. Usually it was called “prophylactic” or a “preventative” before that in, like, medical terminology, advertising, that kind of stuff. And not to say that, like, it was not used at all. It’s just, especially in mass media, there’s this- like, the surgeon general goes out and talks about the importance of condoms when it comes to HIV/AIDS and all of a sudden people are saying the word “condom” and writing it down more often.
KYLE GETZ
Hm. That would make sense to me, that AIDS could have had had an influence on how we talk about safer sex.
MIKE JOHNSON
100%. Yeah. Uh, speaking of other names for condoms, one- I found a whole list and I’m super excited about them. “Love glove” or “No glove, no love.”
KYLE GETZ
Yep. “Dick dam”.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, “raincoat”.
KYLE GETZ
“Raincoat”, yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Bubble wrap”.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I haven’t heard that one.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, “party hat”.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] How about “jimmy cap”?
MIKE JOHNSON
“Jimmy”. “Jimmy” or “johnny”.
KYLE GETZ
Okay. “Johnny”?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Uh, “rubber”.
KYLE GETZ
Usually when Johnny’s on my dick it’s… [Mike chuckles] he has a last name too.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Airbag”. “Schlong sarong” [both laugh] because it’s a wrap.
KYLE GETZ
I guess so. I guess so.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, but uh, I did not realize this and I’m super happy about it: the original meaning of “scumbag” was “used condom”. Like, that insult comes from the bag you keep your scum in. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Ew, do people call cum “scum”?
MIKE JOHNSON
Apparently so, at least in this- Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Scum in me, daddy.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh God. Oh no. No!
KYLE GETZ
Gimme that scum!
MIKE JOHNSON
Stop it. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Scum me!
MIKE JOHNSON
Stop it! [chuckles] Oh no.
KYLE GETZ
Shoot that scum on my face.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, now- I watch a lot of cooking shows and they’re always boiling meat and talking about skimming the scum off the top, and now I’m just gonna imagine it’s just bubbly jizz.
KYLE GETZ
I’ve never heard anyone call jizz “scum”.
MIKE JOHNSON
Apparently that used to be fairly common, and that’s why “scumbag” became an insult.
KYLE GETZ
I like “cumbag”-
MIKE JOHNSON
“Cumbag”. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
-as another word for “condom”. That makes sense to me.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, okay, now to the history of condoms. So, condoms for sure go back a few centuries. And before the 15th century, there was some use of what are called “glans condoms” which are devices that only cover the head of the penis.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
And uh, that leads to the idea that they were for birth control, not for preventing STIs.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. And there’s gotta be some overflow.
MIKE JOHNSON
There’s gotta be some overflow. Well, and also, apparently they would come off pretty easy.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. That makes sense.
MIKE JOHNSON
Which, that makes sense.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, you know. Some of them had a ribbon that they would tie to make it-
KYLE GETZ
Aw, cute! Tie it with a little bow! Tie that scumbag with a little bow.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Yep. Absolutely. So, they were most prevalent before the 15th century in Asia and were probably used only by members of the upper classes. in China, condoms just for the head of the penis were- they found them that were made out of oiled silk paper… or lamb intestines. Um, in Japan-
KYLE GETZ
Is that- So, is that because they could- they were the ones that could afford that kind of thing? Or-
MIKE JOHNSON
Correct.
KYLE GETZ
Or, it also seems like maybe education among- Like, I’m trying to, like, connect that to thinking about, like, what would connect to today’s use in condoms.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I might get this wrong because I didn’t write it down, but there- it is certainly, at least partially, about cost. Even after, like, more or less modern times, like industrial revolution time, there was one anecdote I read that said that sex workers couldn’t afford condoms because a condom would cost approximately a month’s wages.
KYLE GETZ
Holy shit.
MIKE JOHNSON
So yeah, um…
KYLE GETZ
God, that lamb… bladder that you use must be super- Oh, you’d have to go kill the lamb yourself…
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Yeah, exactly. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
You’d have to pretend that you hadn’t named him at the time.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right, yeah. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Shh. Goodnight, Cheryl. [makes a visceral sound with mouth]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh no.
KYLE GETZ
Goodbye.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
I’ll always love you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Give me that bladder sack so I can wear it on my dick.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
You scumbag.
MIKE JOHNSON
Now, whether the- So, the first absolutely no one denies it, it is for sure condoms the way we think of condoms being used, was in 16th century Italy in a book called “De Morbo Gallico” which translates as “The French Disease” which is what they called syphilis.
KYLE GETZ
[gasps] Holy shit.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, it was published in 1564 and it was written by – and I shit you not, this is a real person that I learned about today – Gabriele Falloppio, [Kyle laughs] for whom the fallopian tubes are named.
KYLE GETZ
Tubular.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, exactly. Um, he, in this book, claimed to have invented the condom, a device made of linen sheaths soaked in a chemical solution and allowed to dry before use.
KYLE GETZ
They were not called condoms though at that time, right? Because you said it was until, like, the 80s that we spiked-
MIKE JOHNSON
Correct.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Correct. These were one of those that were held on with a ribbon. Falloppio claimed to have performed an experimental trial of the linen sheath on 1100 men and reported that none of them had gotten syphilis.
KYLE GETZ
God, I would love to fuck 1100 men for science.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Thanks, Mr. Falloppio.
KYLE GETZ
Man, really doing your work.
MIKE JOHNSON
So that’s, like, for sure, at least in Western society, like, the origin. But there are a lot of historians that say that there are signs going back even further. archaeologists and historians have found some things that they point to that say, like- Even ancient societies were, like, using condom or condom-like things. One that I thought was super interesting is there is a Greek myth about Minos, who was a king of Crete, son of Zeus and Europa, and Antoninus Liberalis in 150 AD wrote it down, and they said that they think it indicates that condoms were a thing that people knew about, because it wasn’t weird to them that in this story he was cursed and the curse made his jizz contain serpents and scorpions. So-
KYLE GETZ
[gasps] Medusa’s dick.
MIKE JOHNSON
But he couldn’t not have sex, so he used a goat bladder as a condom.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh. He used a goat bladder to catch the serpents.
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] Yes, exactly.
KYLE GETZ
Wow, we’ve been demonizing sex for so long,
MIKE JOHNSON
I guess so, I guess so. But I- I don’t know. I don’t know, necessarily. I think I’m on the side of the scholars that are like “That doesn’t mean that people were using condoms in the 2nd century.”
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Eh, the idea of, like, “You gotta protect the stuff that comes out you…” eh, I could see that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Eh, well… Okay, a curse where scorpions come out of your dick? Like, that’s some metal shit.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Ow!
MIKE JOHNSON
Ow!
KYLE GETZ
Pinch.
MIKE JOHNSON
I think I would stop having sex.
KYLE GETZ
But, I mean, how can one? [chuckles] Is it possible to stop having sex at all?
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean… this is a good point.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] No, I don’t know. If I jizzed scorpions, I probably would cut it off.
MIKE JOHNSON
Anyway, so they may have been used before this, but using the cecum or the intestines of lamb or sheep is still a thing that happens, but condoms are also- they started being made out of rubber and- which, that made them a more economical choice.
KYLE GETZ
So they didn’t cost a month’s salary anymore?
MIKE JOHNSON
Right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. But also, apparently, originally, rubber condoms were prized for their reusability.
KYLE GETZ
What!?
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, they would-
KYLE GETZ
Just wash it off?
MIKE JOHNSON
-wash it out and then put it back on. And so they, um- Skinned condoms offered better sensitivity, because rubber condoms at the initial stage were pretty thick and that’s what made them reusable, but they also didn’t feel as good. I learned that, uh- And then they started making them out of latex in the 20s, and then by 1931 they were issuing condoms to all members of the US military.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh, they’re like “Free healthcare.” Hey, we did it, America.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, we did it. We did it. We did it. But that’s also interesting because distribution of condoms in the United States was limited by passage of what are called the Comstock Laws, one of which was a federal act that banned the mailing of contraceptive information. There were also state laws that banned the manufacture or sale of condoms in 30 states. We had some weird ideas in the late 19th century.
KYLE GETZ
Is that the thing like “If it’s not to make a baby, then we hate it”?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. Yep, yep, yep. In Ireland, the 1889 Indecent Advertisements Act made it illegal to advertise condoms. Contraceptives were illegal in 19th century Italy and Germany. There’s a theme here though that we need to talk about, which is goddamn fuckin’ Catholics, Kyle. [Kyle laughs] As early as the 1600s, in 1605 in De Justitia et Jurei, which is “On Justice and Law”, Leonardus Lessius, a Catholic theologian, said that condoms are “immoral”, “They go against God in his tantamount mission for mankind to spread their seed,” and “Condoms are bad, don’t use them,” and the Catholic Church has never changed that even a little bit ever since. So, like, all kinds of contraception are banned under Catholic dogma, but- and that includes condoms, but they’ve been doing that for a really long time. Fuck you.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Fuckin’ Catholics.
KYLE GETZ
It’s so surprising- Like, I feel like churches have… started to have to make concessions or change their opinions. I thought they were starting to get there on gay and lesbian issues.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, I feel like they’ve started to make progress or realize they had to. Their business, that is realizing that with declining membership they have to do something.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
I guess it makes sense then, that, actually as I’m saying that. To keep membership up, continuing to say “You can’t use a condom,” makes sense.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Because then you will have more- Especially as, you know, less and less people have kids.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
if the ones that are having kids are the Catholics…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Or the Mormons, but yes.
KYLE GETZ
Or the Mormons, yes. [chuckles] Then that’s actually helpful to them. So I don’t- Yeah, I guess this is one to hold on to.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, the Catholic Church almost certainly was a major influence on the fact that a lot of condoms were illegal from the late 19th century, in the United States, until the 60s.
KYLE GETZ
That’s the sticking point, is it always then turns into “…and no one else can use them either.” It’s not just “We don’t believe them.” It’s “And-” “We don’t believe in them,” or “We don’t like this thing,” it’s that “…and everyone else has to dislike it too.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, absolutely. Yep. God dammit.
KYLE GETZ
Let’s have a Condom Night at the Dodger Stadium.
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s do it. Kyle!
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s Condom Night.
KYLE GETZ
It’s Condom Night. [chuckles] We’ll have to figure out where you find condoms.
MIKE JOHNSON
Ugh, God. Anyway, that’s more or less the history of condoms. They’ve been around for, at the very least, like 4 or 5 hundred years, possibly longer than that, and they were made out of all kinds of stuff, and… yeah, that’s it. That’s the history of condoms.
KYLE GETZ
Um, do you want to hear some gayta on condoms?
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s hear some gayta on condoms. It’s gonna say… we don’t use them, gays. I don’t know, w-
KYLE GETZ
We’ll see. We’ll see. [Mike chuckles] No, that- Okay, well, I should ask you, yeah. What’s your, kind of, theories on gay men’s condom use?
MIKE JOHNSON
My theory is that it has changed, and that has changed since PrEP. I’m going to guess that before PrEP, so pre-2008, somewhere in there, that it was much, much higher than it is now, and that now is probably like less than 20%. But that’s just me being a slut.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Um, and I think that’s people’s general stereotype, is that gay men have a lot of sex, don’t use condoms, and PrEP has made them particularly risky at no condom use.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That’s not totally true.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, great!
KYLE GETZ
So, a 2016 article from aidsmap.com talked about-
MIKE JOHNSON
I know you don’t believe this, but I love being wrong.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, no, I believe that okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
I believe, like, you, more than most people, would, like- You just need to know the information and then you’re okay changing whatever view you have. Most people, like, have this kind of fight with themselves that, like, “No, but I want to be right,” and I believe you have a far lower- Like, you just want the data and the truth.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Now give me this fake news, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] From aidsmap.com, they talked about the fact that condom use among men who have sex with men has been declining even before PrEP.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, okay.
KYLE GETZ
So it’s- There’s- And they don’t know exactly why, but-
MIKE JOHNSON
Maybe HIV treatment options? Because those also got way better before PrEP. Like, you know, AZT was out, like, the late 80s, early 90s, and we just got better at treating it ever since. Maybe that- Maybe it’s more gradual but that’s why.
KYLE GETZ
Maybe it’s less scary? The idea of-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. It definitely didn’t feel like a death sentence anymore at some point.
KYLE GETZ
Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So, the stuff they showed was HIV-negative man reporting sex without a condom. So, the CDC- This is based on CDC research that asked whether a condom was used with their last anal sex partner, and I’ll go through time. 2005, 29% reported that the last time they had sex was without a condom.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
In 2008 it was 33%.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
So it jumped up by 4 percentage points. In 2011 it was 35%.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm.
KYLE GETZ
In 2014 it was 41%.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm.
KYLE GETZ
So the- [chuckles] Are you getting horny as the numbers go higher? [Mike laughs] More men to have sex without a condom with. So over time it increases, the number of, like, people that they asked whose last sex was without a condom, and it kinda is a few percentage points each time that they ask that has been increasing. They also mentioned that PrEP, in 2014 at least – which is the last date that I mentioned, it was at 41% reported sex without a condom – in 2014, 3.5% of men were using PrEP.
MIKE JOHNSON
3.5?
KYLE GETZ
Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, of “men”, not “queer men”.
KYLE GETZ
Um… good question. I don’t know. Either way, it’s- It was a super low number of- I think this was all about men who have sex with men, so that’s what I guess, but I’m not sure. But there is a very low [chuckles] penetration of [Mike chuckles] PrEP use within- even when some of these numbers started coming out. I mean, you mentioned 2008 as just your rough guess, and even before that, it was still going up.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And, because that data’s from 2016, the trend I- Another article- A lot of the data I found was, you know, around this time or earlier. So, the… Guttmacher Institute- Oh, God, I want to get gutt mached. Guttmacher me. Um, the Guttmacher- [like “motch-er”] Macher? [like “mah-chair”] I don’t know. The Guttmacher Institute published a report in April 2021 documenting that the trends around safe sex from 2006 to 2019 – so, that continued 5 more years after what I said – and found that contraceptive use overall had increased, but condom use had continued to decline over time.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, that’s fucking interesting.
KYLE GETZ
So the trend continues even past this. There was, like- That was in a Buzzfeed article that talked about even, like, through the pandemic, like, that this trend continued. So the greatest increase in sex without condoms was seen in young men aged 18 to 24.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
So I-
MIKE JOHNSON
You’re welcome, boys.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Is it ‘cause you’re fucking those 18 to 24 year olds?
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s been a great couple years, Kyle. [both laugh] Daddy.
KYLE GETZ
You don’t need a condom. Daddy says “No.” So, I started having sex around the middle of this date at like, what, 2009 or something? I’m in the early part of this. And so, yeah, and I used a condom the first time I had sex but then did not regularly use a condom even back when I was having sex, which was in college which was before PrEP. And… yeah, and I was age 18 to 24. Like, I don’t know, it makes sense to me that that group is at a higher risk and that, around this time, like, I fit in with these numbers of… I was probably one of those people that was not as likely to use condoms, and contributed to the increase of condomless sex.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm, hm, hm.
KYLE GETZ
So, we talked about there are a variety of reasons to use condoms, and HIV is the main one that we bring up, but there are a lot of other reasons to. However, I think it’s still important, especially because we are talking about HIV, that we talk about black men who have a unique- Um, a 2017 study from the CDC said that 1 in every 2 Black men in the US will get HIV in his lifetime.
MIKE JOHNSON
What?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
50%?
KYLE GETZ
Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Wow, okay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. So, according to a 20-
MIKE JOHNSON
Is this still MSM or is this, like, anybody?
KYLE GETZ
It said “…2 gay Black men.” “1 in every 2 gay Black men.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Gay Black men, okay. Great. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. But a 2014 Reuters article said that “According to our data-” This is a quote from someone else. According to the Journal of Sexually Transmitted Infections, “…condoms may be used more frequently by black (men who have sex with men), but they are also used less effectively and with more errors.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm.
KYLE GETZ
So, it seems to be that Black men have gotten this message and are using condoms more, which is great, but there are issues with them breaking, or slipping, or not being used correctly. Apparently, 31% of Black men said their condoms worked effectively, compared to 43% of White men. So- And Black men who have sex with men are about 6 times more likely to be diagnosed with HIV compared to White men who have sex with men. Some of the reasons for this are thought to be – and we don’t totally know everything – increased prevalence of HIV among Black men… lack of access to treatment and prevention services-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. And that’s my guess.
KYLE GETZ
That would make a lot of sense, that we don’t care as much about the areas of the country that are predominantly Black, that we don’t- we give them less access to resources and care less about making sure there’s a hospital, or making sure there’s healthcare, or making sure there’s even food or… You know.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well yeah, and our healthcare system’s so fucked up, it’s so fuckin’ expensive and, like, people of color, make less money because the world is fuckin’ stupid.
KYLE GETZ
Yep, yep. Other reasons: stigma, discrimination, but they say that condom breaks and improper condom use may also play a role. If more of them are reporting issues with using condoms, then that could be a contributing factor. So how does this compare to straight people? So, the latest- The last data point I had was 2014, for gay people at least. In 2014 it was 41% said that they had sex without a condom in their last sexual encounter. So, actually, backing up to that, like, I don’t know, maybe- If we stop right there, then that’s still a majority that reported, that means 59% said that they did use a condom with their last sexual- anal sex encounter. So that already- That idea bucks the stereotype that, like, every gay man is having condomless sex all the time.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
If the trend continues like it is, a few percentage points every year, we might be closer to 50/50 these days, like, if we just draw a straight line with the numbers that we’re seeing, but it’s still not like an overwhelming majority or anything that are going condomless. Which, I think- So, I think, even if the numbers have increased since that 2014 number, I still think it goes against the stereotype that people have.
MIKE JOHNSON
So I’m a bad person. Thanks for that, Kyle! Appreciate it. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, no problem. Gayish: we learn we’re bad people. No, I think you have the same assumption that a lot of people do.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I’m also fighting the human tendency to do exactly what we said earlier and be like “Well, maybe they’re lying! Maybe they’re saying they’re using condoms when they’re really not.”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Because I want- I want it to be true. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well- Yeah. And there is, like- People lie. They also did this survey at, like, gay clubs and places that gay men hang out. Like, so there may be, like- You know, there a lot of reasons that the numbers- So, the numbers themselves may not be totally true.
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] “Yes, I totally use condoms all the time!” [whispering] I don’t use condoms.
KYLE GETZ
Ah, “Hello, boys! I use condoms all the time and I love them!”
MIKE JOHNSON
Don’t tell my judgy friends. They’re right over there. [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
So then, at that point, if, you know, we’re asking about that, we’re still looking at the year over year data that shows the increase. So, presumably, the same percentage of people will lie, or the- You know? Like, as long as we’re doing consistent format then we can at least compare the numbers. Speaking of what we cannot compare, a completely different study though is what I’ll share, at least for straight people because, you know, all studies have different methodologies and the number- So, the numbers themselves can’t be compared but I just wanted to get a ballpark of where straight people are at with this. So, there was a 2017 research study about straight people called “Factors Associated With Condom Use Among Sexually Active US Adults, National Survey of Family Growth”, and, of course, when they say “Among … Active US Adults” and a “National Survey”, they mean straight people.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure, yeah. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Because that’s the default. If it’s not- If you don’t see “gay” in the headline of the research article, it’s- they’re not gonna include gay people.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
But, um-
MIKE JOHNSON
But are they gonna exclude gay people?
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yeah. In this one they did exclude- They just looked at single men and single women.
MIKE JOHNSON
Did you know that that’s what the Alanis Morissette song “Uninvited” is about?
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Gay men in surveys?
MIKE JOHNSON
Keeping them out surveys, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That would make sense. Play that during every gayta segment I do. So, for unmarried or single men that reported using a condom during their last sexual encounter, it was 51%.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
51% used a condom in their last sexual encounter.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
And these are straight. They excluded the gays, so these are…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
…straight men. For unmarried and single women who reported using a condom during their last sexual encounter, it was 37%.
MIKE JOHNSON
Wow.
KYLE GETZ
Which-
MIKE JOHNSON
Wow. That surprises me.
KYLE GETZ
Me too. Why did it surprise you?
MIKE JOHNSON
I just think of girls as being more responsible. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But then I guess there’s also this bullshit, like patriarchy, whatever, that, like, the dudes are in charge. Like, the men are supposed to bring the condoms and decide whether they’re being used or not and, like-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that’s part of- Especially in my earlier days, that was part of my struggle, is, like, having the assertiveness. Like, women have been set up and trained not to be- Like, if you’re assertive you’re “a bitch”. So, like, if you, during any kind of sexual encounter, are asserting any kind of…
MIKE JOHNSON
Boundary whatsoever?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. And it’s- I’m using the word “assert”, but, like, stating. Not that you’re being rude, or mean, or anything about it. If you just state a boundary, like you said, then that would be grounds for, like, [in a bro voice] “I can’t believe what she did, man.” But anyway, the other- Yes. So, I am also surprised. The other thing I thought is maybe women know that they have to take matters into their own hands, especially for pregnancy, and maybe they’re less likely to have used them because they’re like “Well, I know I got my pregnancy sitch figured out,” whereas a man sleeping with a woman doesn’t know… don’t know what she’s been doing, or not doing, or what have you. So maybe they’re more likely to be like “No,” for m- Like, that’s the thing they can do for their own personal, you know, safety of not getting pregnant.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So, that was my other idea. But yeah, even straight people bucked the trends or the stereotypes that I had for them.
MIKE JOHNSON
Huh.
KYLE GETZ
And, again, like, we can’t compare these numbers, but it’s like… So, 51% of single men- Like, all of these are- Like, we’re not too far away then from…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah,
KYLE GETZ
Like, our condom use doesn’t seem to be too far away from each other.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s so interesting because, like, the two big value propositions of condoms are the prevention of STIs and the prevention of pregnancy. And, cis gay dudes anyway, that’s not gonna- like, pregnancy is not going to happen, so I would think that that would- Like, with a whole use case out of the picture, I would think that that would skew things way more than apparently they do.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s interesting.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. And I mean- Even, again, like, while we can’t compare these numbers directly, like… I don’t know. If we did, it would say straight people u-
MIKE JOHNSON
Say that with more derision. [derisively] Straight people. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
[derisively] Straight people. People have the straight persuasion. I wanna talk about it like the way they talk about- People whose preference is to be straight.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, people struggling from opposite sex attraction. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
People who deal with the affliction of being straight. [Mike laughs] It says that they use condoms less than us.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So, again, like, we can’t actually compare the numbers so I don’t know that for sure, but it’s funny that even that concept is like mind blowing, that no one would believe. If you just told a random gay person and said “Hey, gays use condoms more than straight people,” they would be like “Fuck you, no they don’t.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
“No gay uses a condom.” And so maybe it’s that we’ve learned- We showed, especially, I think, during monkeypox, that our response to health crises is better than [chuckles] straight people on the whole.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm, mhm. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Um, so maybe-
MIKE JOHNSON
In the hole.
KYLE GETZ
In the hole.
MIKE JOHNSON
Around the hole. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
With the scumbag, without the scum- So maybe we are, because of- Even though it hasn’t- Maybe some of the effects are fading away. Our response to the AIDS crisis, like, maybe there’s still increased condom usage because of that?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, I don’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I think it’s likely or possible.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I really- I really keep coming back to HIV/AIDS as being, like… it has to be a big factor here.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But, um-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. And, if so, that would make sense that the further away you get from it, the less and less people that lived through it-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-and saw all the, you know, everything that it wreaked on the society.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, it could make sense that then people are less kind of moved by that experience.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Huh.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Those are the numbers.
MIKE JOHNSON
Those are the numbers. Well, we’re gonna talk about more numbers.
KYLE GETZ
[gasps] Ooo.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, we’re gonna talk about condom sizes.
KYLE GETZ
Oohh.
MIKE JOHNSON
And I know that you’ve got some more stuff later on, like the right way to use a condom.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But, um-
KYLE GETZ
Put it in the trash! [both laugh] No, use it, if you want. I don’t know. I’m not your mom.
MIKE JOHNSON
Medical News Today, which is a site that I found, talks about condoms sizing and they say the condoms that are too small may break, condoms that are too big can slip off, and poor fitting condoms can feel uncomfortable during sex. So the people that are like “I don’t like the way that it feels,” might be onto something. But the people who say “It isn’t going to fit,” are wrong. [Kyle chuckles] Like, your dick is not too big for a condom, because I can put a condom over my entire head. [Kyle laughs] That’s not saying-
KYLE GETZ
And now, for the Patreon segment, [Mike chuckles] Mike will be placing-
MIKE JOHNSON
I’ll do that. I don’t give a fuck!
KYLE GETZ
Oh, alright. Let’s put- We have- [crinkling sound] Ooo, this is some ASMR shit.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
[crinkling continues] [whispering] That’s the sound of condoms rubbing together. I bought condoms at the store.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
[whispering] And I had to- [speaking normally] I didn’t buy condoms at the store, I was just trying to do an ASMR thing.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, according to the Cleveland Clinic, the average erect penis length is about five inches, average girth is around four and a half inches when erect, that’s circumference. And so, the Food and Drug Administration – and they’re the ones that regulate condoms as a medical device – say that the minimum length for external condoms is 160 millimeters that’s 6.3 inches.
KYLE GETZ
Wait, the minimum?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes. They have to be at least that long because the idea is then they will fit, like, 85% of the population.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, in terms of length.
KYLE GETZ
But if you have an average-length dick then it won’t fit you.
MIKE JOHNSON
You’ll just have a little bit left over at the bottom.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Which is actually ideal, I guess, apparently?
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know, you’re the one that’s gonna talk about using them. That leaves some room for the condom to remain rolled at the base for an average-sized penis. Trojan brand, for example, says that their standard condom is the proper fitting choice for a penis between 5 and 7 inches long with a girth of 4 to 5 inches. Which, if you look at, like, actual data about this, there are no 10 inch dicks, everyone. Stop @ing me.
KYLE GETZ
You’re wrong.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s, like- Okay. [Kyle chuckles] I might- I’m open to- I’m open to evidence-based-
KYLE GETZ
You’re not.
MIKE JOHNSON
I am.
KYLE GETZ
That’s okay. No you’re not.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, uh… but if you look- If you look at the bell curves, that fits, like, the vast majority of men. So, quote, “For the vast majority of people, standard sizes are appropriate, but everyone’s anatomy is different,” “It’s best to read the information from that specific condom manufacturer for their guidance on how to determine the best fit for you, and that information should be readily available on the packaging.” I kind of liked this: “It’s kind of like picking out a pair of jeans. Sure, there’s no shortage of pairs that’ll cover you from hip to ankle, but you may find certain brands or certain cuts to be more comfortable. Maybe you’re the straight-leg type or perhaps bootcut is more your jam,” [Kyle laughs] “Nothing wrong with being a little choosy.” “A properly fitted condom will cover your penis snuggly (but not too tightly) from tip to base, with a half-inch reservoir at the tip. For some people-”
KYLE GETZ
Hah, “reservoir”.
MIKE JOHNSON
“-that may leave an extra bit of rolled condom at the base [and] that’s OK, and some people prefer that feeling,” like a little cock ring.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
MIKE JOHNSON
“But if it doesn’t reach to the base of your penis near your stomach, that’s a clear sign to try a bigger size.”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, running out of condom and you’re not all the way down, that’s maybe- Maybe- You know, congratulations, move up.
KYLE GETZ
If you have an extra, like, little rolled up part at the base you can just stick those balls in too.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, yeah!
KYLE GETZ
Just shove them balls right in there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Just do it. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I mean, why not? You got extra.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Otherwise it’s wasteful.
KYLE GETZ
Otherwise it’s wasteful. [Mike laughs] Use all of your condom, it’s like finishing your vegetables. [Mike chuckles] Use all the condom you have. There are some kids in – name a country here – that don’t get any condom.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Yeah. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Use all your condom.
MIKE JOHNSON
Ukrainian soldiers don’t have condoms.
KYLE GETZ
Exactly.
MIKE JOHNSON
You should- [both chuckle] Yeah, no leftovers.
KYLE GETZ
No leftover condom.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, back to Medical News Today.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Back to actual information.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, in general, length is less of a problem than girth in terms of finding condoms that are fit appropriately.
KYLE GETZ
Finding butts that fit appropriately too.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, they divide condom brands into “snug fit”, “regular fit”. and “large fit”.
KYLE GETZ
Aw, I love “snug fit”. Like “This one’s gonna be cozy.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [laughs] A girth of less than 4.7 inches needs a snug fit, 4.7 to 5.1 needs a regular fit, and 5.1 to 6 needs a large fit, and they say to do that measurement by taking either string and marking it or using a tailor’s tape around the thickest part of the shaft, wherever that is. For most men, that’s somewhere in the middle. And then they offer, you know, their choice of brands that fit each of those 3 categories. Last thing about sizing, and then you can tell us about technique: Reuters did a story back in 2009… yeah, April of 2009, where- covering a study by the Institute of Condom Consultancy…
KYLE GETZ
Oh sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
…where they asked 10,000 men in 25 countries to measure their penis and put the number into a database, and then tried to use that to, you know, figure out the proper distribution of condom sizes for manufacturers. Now, it’s of course self-reported.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And that’s very problematic in the history of, like, penis sizes.
MIKE JOHNSON
But, um, they said, um, “According to this sample, The French say they need the largest condoms…” [TN: in Europe]
KYLE GETZ
Sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Uh, “… … while Greeks get by on smaller ones,” and I guess Germans are somewhere in the middle there. They also were using the survey sort of as a push poll to educate youngsters about the importance of effective contraception. This place is hilarious: they offer online condom size advice and they have, um, they have an annual fair – or at least they did back in ’09 – an annual fare called “Pimp Your Condom” [Kyle chuckles] in cooperation with the National AIDS Trust.
KYLE GETZ
Is that like… bejewel it and, like, add neon light effects, and-
MIKE JOHNSON
I guess. I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
-leather interior?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [laughs] Like, get yourself a mini fridge and, like-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Xzibit busts into your house and he’s like [Mike chuckles] “I’m here to pimp your condom!”
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god. If you are interested in using that data at all – or, there are a couple of other data sources for this, but – you can go to myonecondoms.com. MyONE is a brand.
KYLE GETZ
My… o-n-e?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. But they have 10 different lengths and 9 different widths, so they have 90 different sizes of condom. And uh, they will introduce you to your size code, where you put in the length and girth of your penis, and they will give you a code, and that code is like, at least according to their methodology, the perfect condom for you.
KYLE GETZ
And then you can get them, it sounds like, delivered rather than having to go to the store and be like “Hi, I’m gonna fuck tonight.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Absolutely. And they say that, uh, your size code is always a secret to them. They will protect your size code.
KYLE GETZ
“To the death,” it says.
MIKE JOHNSON
To the death.
KYLE GETZ
They will murder anyone trying to access your size code.
MIKE JOHNSON
They also say that they are the first and only condoms FDA approved for anal.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know if that’s true or just their marketing department, but it’s on their website.
KYLE GETZ
Interesting.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Uh, that’s condom size, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Well, do you want me to talk about tips?
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
Let’s talk about the tips.
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s talk about the tips. All of the tips.
KYLE GETZ
So many tips.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh wait. Before that, in Patreon, I’m gonna to tell you some jokes.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
But I’m also gonna talk to you about the totally failed experiment that was spray-on condoms.
KYLE GETZ
I feel like- I would have some thoughts on why that might have failed from the jump. [Mike laughs] Like, I feel like I already have some suggestions on that kind of creative idea.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna find out.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, okay. Um-
MIKE JOHNSON
Tips!
KYLE GETZ
I’m gonna tell you-
MIKE JOHNSON
But just the tips.
KYLE GETZ
Just the tips.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I found this information on PinkNews in a 2018 article by Danny Polaris.
MIKE JOHNSON
I heart that site.
KYLE GETZ
First of all… I just copied down, throughout the course of the article, anytime they gave a suggestion or-
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
-even asked a question, just what they were. So we can go through them in order. Having condoms available shows to someone that you are active in your sexual health.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh! Yeah! Having a bunch of condoms around your place shows people you don’t actually need them. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
I- I didn’t- I didn’t think this- I don’t know. I don’t know how I felt about this one.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mmm. Mm. Mm.
KYLE GETZ
I think it’s one way to signal to people that you are active in your own sexual health but, like… I don’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, I whipped out a bunch of condoms that we’re gonna play with on the Patreon segment and, like, I don’t know, what did that say to you?
KYLE GETZ
That… I don’t know, that you have condoms available? Which, that’s great.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That’s, I think-
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s all it says, I think. Like, you have them. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
I think you may be more likely- If you have condoms around, you’re probably more likely to use condoms, I would guess, than if you don’t have condoms sitting around.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s true. They have to be there to be there.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
They have to be there for you to use them. [Mike chuckles] So I think it does say something. I think there are lots of ways to signal your sexual health. They also had, like, you know, “Make sure you have some in your nightstand, and in your wallet, and in this thing,” and it’s like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Not in your wallet! That will ruin them!
MIKE JOHNSON
Will it?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
Oh, how?
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Cause sittin’ on it, and mashing it around and, like-
KYLE GETZ
I thought they should be able to take a little bit of beating.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, yeah. I think the big thing there is that they, like, will wear out faster.
KYLE GETZ
Mmm.
MIKE JOHNSON
But I-
KYLE GETZ
Interesting.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t- I don’t actually know if that’s true. Fuck, now I gotta look it up, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Son of a bitch. [typing sounds] “Is… it bad… to put… condoms… in your wallet?” Not socially, I mean medically, you whores. “The short and sweet answer to [the] question is that what you’ve heard is true! A condom stored in a wallet may be damaged by lots of action”.
KYLE GETZ
Mmm, now we gotta put on the Danity Kane song “Damaged” onto the playlist.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah we do. Don’t know it.
KYLE GETZ
[singing to the tune of “Damaged”] My condom’s damaged, so damaged.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Don’t-
KYLE GETZ
[continues singing] Thought that I should let you know it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Don’t put it in a wallet!
KYLE GETZ
Okay. And, I also think [chuckles] the idea of, like, havin- like, let’s just say in your pocket, like, ready to go- I don’t know. I think, because more people are having sex through apps, you kind of already know what the deal is before you get there. I think that was my biggest reaction to, like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-“If they have condoms around, that means they’re active in their sexual health!” It’s, like… I don’t even know- Like, we talk about all this. It’s on your profile and you have conversations about this before you even get there, so I think more of this is happening up front and your profiles have this indication.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m with you, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So… Apparently, ribbed and studied condoms are designed to give an extra level of sensation to vaginas.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So, if you’re using them with a cis male partner for anal then there might not be a point in, um, having anything fancy.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, I’ve literally never gotten anything out of a condom that had any kind of gimmick associated with it.
KYLE GETZ
Have you tried?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, what kind?
MIKE JOHNSON
I was married to a lady.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
You forget that, maybe.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] No, no, I want you t- I was encouraging you to tell me about it.
KYLE GETZ
Like, ri-b-b-bed.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah? Did-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, I mean, it’s the same for me. [makes an “I don’t know” sound]
KYLE GETZ
Did she prefer those?
MIKE JOHNSON
Ummm… no. It’s more of a novelty than anything. It’s like “Oh, we’re doing something naughty, because this one has ribs.”
KYLE GETZ
Oohh. “Let’s go crazy. Let’s get ribs tonight.” [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] And we were together for so long too that, like, we usually didn’t use them at all. It was mostly when she was on her period. Anyway…
KYLE GETZ
So even- That’s interesting. Even with a female partner, you would mostly use, like, picking the right time of the month to have sex instead of condoms?
MIKE JOHNSON
I- I mean, it, like-
KYLE GETZ
What was your, you know, pregnancy prevention?
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. Um-
KYLE GETZ
Kind of… repertoire?
MIKE JOHNSON
She was on birth control.
KYLE GETZ
Birth control.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, the pill. And so that was- That was the method, especially after we were, like, together together.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
You know.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. Um, but yeah, mostly, condoms were for, like, preventing a mess.
KYLE GETZ
Mm. Oh! Interesting.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Huh! Is there- Does it feel like you’re getting a little bit more cagey around talking about your sexual… things you can do sexually with your ex-wife, or not?
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’ll talk about it. I don’t know. I’m mostly worried about talking about periods-
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
-because I know that that’s not, like- that’s not a thing that gay guys usually chat about.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. But I think- I think all cis men should be more open to talking about periods more often, because I think it’s something we’re shielded from and then we don’t know. Like, I have twice sat in on a group of cis women talking about their periods, and two times it was maybe 15 minute conversations and then they, you know, like, apologized that I was sitting there. And it’s like “No, no, no,” like, I learned so much about periods and just what it’s like to have them. I think we, like, shield men from this concept that they have periods and that, like, that it sucks, and they’re the ones responsible for taking birth control, and that does things to their body that we just accept as normal.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
You know? Like, I think there’s a lot that we just pretend like men don’t have to know, so I think it’s good to talk about.
MIKE JOHNSON
And not to mention- Well, no, I’m gonna mention it. [Kyle chuckles] The whole, like, “Periods are gross and disgusting,” and that’s built on misogyny.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s the exact same misogyny that says that “Yeah, you’re a gold star gay because you haven’t had sex with a vagina.”
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Congratu-fucking-lations.
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Dickface.
KYLE GETZ
This was for sure- We haven’t talked about it in a while, but this was for sure something I did when I first came out of, like, pretending like I thought “Oh, like, vaginas are gross.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And, in addition to being, like, transphobic, that’s also misogynistic. Like, there’s a lot of issues that come along with that, and I’ve stopped doing that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Well, if you don’t want to hear this, then too bad. Part of the thing with wearing a condom when she was on her period is that it felt different. Like, there’s, um- There’s, uh- I mean, there’s stuff coming out of there because she’s on her period and it’s kind of gritty. It feels- On your dick it feels gritty. Like, there’s- It just does, and that’s not always super pleasant so adding a barrier there would help that difference in sensation. But then there’s also, like, sometimes you want to bang and not have to take a shower immediately right after. And, like- But if you got, like, blood and mucus all over your dick then you gotta jump in the shower. So, like, that’s an easy peasy way to just, like, not make a mess.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Interesting. I don’t think about condom use for, like, that purpose.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Which, I mean, gay people, like, that is a possibility too.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. For sure.
KYLE GETZ
Like, as much, you know-
MIKE JOHNSON
Been there. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. So it might be nice just as a preventative measure, just because you never know. Sometimes… What did that guy say? “Sometimes-”
MIKE JOHNSON
“Sometimes it comes with a Hershey Kiss.” [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Sometimes there’s a little Hersey Kiss.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh no.
KYLE GETZ
Um… more tips. Bottoms, if you have a lot of different sexual partners, keep a variety of different sizes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That seems smart.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, seems smart. I will say, okay, as a bottom, if the condom doesn’t fit right and it, like, crumples up so there’s, like, wrinkles in it, I don’t like the feeling of that. That feels really bad and gross, to me. Like, mm-mm.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I would imagine. [chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
No, that makes sense. That makes sense. Okay, so it’s also partia- But then- Okay, this is gonna sound judgy and I don’t want it to. Like, if you’re a bottom and you’re like “Pick a size, any size,” like, if you show up, doesn’t that make you seem slutty?
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
I know, I shouldn’t be using that kind of judgment, and it should show a positive sign of-
MIKE JOHNSON
I think it shows that you’re responsibly slutty.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That would be one of my conce- I mean, compared to what I do, which is not use condoms, like, that’s the sluttiest thing you could do. So, like, I don’t know why I’m judging, like, “Hey, here’s all of my different varieties of condoms.” You’re right, it shows that you’re responsible. But I think that could be a fear that someone has, of, like, “If I have too many options, then it makes it look like I’m having sex every day and night,” when there’s nothing wrong with that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [Kyle sighs] What if you could have, like, all your different size condoms but, like, on a keychain so that you could just, like, flip them over until you find the right one? [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Like fabric swatches? [Mike laughs] That you’re like “Do we want the light pink? Do we want the teal? Do we want the charcooch?” …That’s not the color.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Chartreuse”?
KYLE GETZ
Chartreuse. I almost said “charcuterie”, which is where I got trapped in the middle of that word.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, latex is the most common.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
It is possible to be allergic to latex…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
…probably less so than is stated. But there are alternatives like polyurethane and polyisoprene.
MIKE JOHNSON
One of those is basically latex with different proteins in it so that it-
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
-doesn’t cause the allergic reaction.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Feels just like latex.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
When using lube with condoms, water or silicone are the most common. Don’t use anything that has oil in it like lotion, Vaseline, or oil-based lubes with your latex condoms. Oil can damage latex and make them break.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
You can generally use oil-based condoms with non-latex plastic condoms.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
What kind of lube do you usually use?
MIKE JOHNSON
…Whatever? [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
You don’t have a preference?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, water-based lube. I use water-based lube for the most part, mostly because I find, um… well, a couple of things. First is that, like, it cleans out of stuff better. So, if it gets on your sheets, or your clothes, or whatever, it’s okay. Silicon… like- Silicone? Silicon. Silicone. Silicone lube, like, stains. Like, it’s there forever, [Kyle chuckles] and that bothers me.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I also think, like, silicone lasts longer?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But it isn’t as, like, I don’t know, slippery? I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
I see silicone as being more slippery. I like silicone better. Like, water, it just seems like you have to keep reapplying and reapplying it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
Which seems like a lot.
MIKE JOHNSON
Gives you a- Gives you an excuse to take a break. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Oh, okay. I guess so. Um, it says water-based lubes dry up quickly so there is risk. You have to make sure you’re reapplying if that’s the case, because otherwise you would risk the condom breaking.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
Make sure they’re not expired.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Like these [laughs] that I found.
KYLE GETZ
Well, but you all said that, and what I saw online is that most latex and polyurethane condoms will have an expiration date of about five years past the manufacturer date. So that- They last longer than I expected.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm.
KYLE GETZ
I thought, like, “Oh, a year,” or something. But so maybe the condoms aren’t expired.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hm! Hm.
KYLE GETZ
Whose responsibility is it to bring the condoms?
MIKE JOHNSON
Everyone.
KYLE GETZ
Everyone. Yeah, right? Usually it’s like, “Is it the tops because they’re the ones- like, because it’s the penetrative person? Is at the bottoms because they’re the one at more risk?”
MIKE JOHNSON
I have heard, like, it said that, like, it’s the top’s job to decide what lube because, like, the bottom doesn’t care, and I disagree with that.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Huh.
MIKE JOHNSON
But that’s something that I have heard.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Lube, for me, is just something that, like, everyone has. Like, every gay person just has lube.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right? [makes an “I don’t know” sound] I guess I do? [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
I just thought that that one was most common, and then it’s like, the question is like… gotta see, like, “Do they have condoms?”, “Do they have poppers?”, “Do they have, like, other toys?” that you may want to use. Like, those are the question marks, but I thought the lube was pretty… common.
MIKE JOHNSON
What if we say it’s whoever’s hosting? That’s whose job it is.
KYLE GETZ
Mm. I like that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Because you’re already there. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Although, I do like, like… I don’t know. Yeah, I like that idea. The host, like, you can just pull out your array of sex things and then-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, your color swatches.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Yeah, exactly. I get the idea of, like, “Bottoms have to do more work to prep,” so, like, then, like, “The top is bringing the gear.” I don’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I also- Like, this is another part that doesn’t come up because, like, I just talk about it in advance. So if someone’s like “I only use condoms,” like, “Okay, cool, do you have them then?” [chuckles] “Because I certainly don’t. So I think that’s something, these days, you can negotiate more easily upfront. And, lastly, if you have problems with premature ejaculation, condoms can make you last longer because they decrease sensitivity.
MIKE JOHNSON
Boy, howdy.
KYLE GETZ
That’s not the ringing endorsement of condoms that you would want it to be, but that’s at least one suggestion-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah! I mean, it’s a-
KYLE GETZ
-for why you may use them.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s for sure a serious thing for a loooot of dudes and, like, yeah, that can absolutely help.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. What other advice do you have for condom use?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, no? No, I-
KYLE GETZ
“No.” [both laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t- I don’t know. I don’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I did have this thought- Wait, no. I don’t wanna talk about it. Okay. I don’t really have a lot of tips, that’s for sure.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I… I think I should be using condoms more.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And… I don’t know, I tend to focus- I know that, because of my PrEP, I’m very likely covered for HIV.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
I feel like I’ve gotten the host of STIs that you can. So, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, like, I- Like, that’s happened and I still… kind of take that risk.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I’ve gotten syphilis, so now every STI test shows that it’s- Like, your whatever – numbers – stay above a certain rate, so it looks like it’s positive every time, so it has to be a thing every time. I’m like, “I’ve gotten syphilis in the past, so here’s, like-” So, syphilis is, like, a bigger thing. You have to get, like, a couple shots in the butt and that sucks.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Titration. Your titrates are still there.
KYLE GETZ
Titrates.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
But there are other things that you can get through this. I mean, like everyone has HPV-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-so that seems like a bit of a wash. But, like, herpes, you can get other things-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-through this, that I’m just kind of, I think, ignoring. I think I’m just pretending that’s not there or something, that risk isn’t there, or I haven’t run into it yet.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So, I don’t know. I should probably be using condoms more, especially if I’m in, like, a slutty mode.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, and you- I mean, do you actively dislike them?
KYLE GETZ
Um… yeah, because, like, I want it in my butt.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh-huh.
KYLE GETZ
I think that’s hot.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And so, without it-
MIKE JOHNSON
You mean the load.
KYLE GETZ
The load, yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes.
KYLE GETZ
Yes. Not the condom. [chuckles] In fact, the condom is a specific barrier to me getting what I want.
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, so that- And I think part of what has driven that as a fantasy has been porn.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, porn, especially when, like, kind of the mainstream, like, porn sites- Like, they made these big announcements when they, like, “We go condom-free now!”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. “Bareback is happening with this special one,” because “Every other one, we have condoms in it.”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s a fairly recent thing, a fairly recent change in the grand history of porn, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it does seem like in the past five years, like, all the- like, a lot of major studios have moved over to not using condoms or- And, when they do, it’s often tried to, like, hide it. Like, you put your hand around where the, like, the base of it is to try to hide the little ring there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Like, I feel like they often try to hide that they’re using condoms even when they are, because they know that people don’t want that kind of porn.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I’ve even, like, watched porn with, like, a hookup or whatever, and, like, anytime we find someone with a condom we’re like “Next.” [Mike chuckles] Like, it- So it’s- I don’t know. You can’t blame- I know all the information and am still choosing to, so it’s not- You know, I know that I’m responsible for that decision. And also, I’ve seen this commonly in porn.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Do you- Does it feel that way for you to?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It used to be just as you said, that, like, the bareback or raw dog porn would be like a special occasion kind of a thing, and now I don’t remember the last time I saw a condom in porn.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, the last 4 or 5 years feels about right. Everyone has gone to… the default is no condoms.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Shean Cody certainly did.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And others.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, like, yeah. That makes you wonder, like, what’s the impact then on condom usage, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. For sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, is it about- Is it about seeing condoms normalizes them and then makes you more likely to use them? I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
Well, I think that might be why we think that no gays, is because-
MIKE JOHNSON
Right.
KYLE GETZ
You know, what do you have to measure against? If you talk to your friends about it, that’s one way, but not everyone does.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So, like, what you see in porn is kind of the other option.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, how often are you comparing notes with your friends about whether you use condoms? Or, for us, it’s often just a joke. Like “Ahah, won’t use condoms.” Like, that- And then that’s kind of it. So, like, the message you’re getting from porn and from jokes [chuckles] within gay circles is that no one uses condoms.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So I could see why that could then influence you to think, like, “Oh, well no one’s using condoms,” so either that “I feel better about it,” or “I feel safer,” it’s more normalized. Like, I could see that happening for sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting.
KYLE GETZ
I’ll say, like, I think I struggle not just with condoms but in any kind of sexual situation with being assertive enough to-
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, I’m fortunate on the condom side that, like, I am not trying to… use a condom, so I’m not trying to assert a boundary or anything.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And part of me wonders if that’s also because that would then be another thing that I’d have to, like, bring up front or assert when someone comes over, and I’m really bad at doing that. So, pick anything else and I’m really bad at, like, asserting boundaries, or things that I like, or don’t like, and um… I don’t know. Especially in, like, a- It’s easier to do over, like, a text or in an app when I can, like- I don’t- I can end the conversation immediately whenever I want.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I feel like I’m a little bit more in control and, you know, distant, so I can assert myself. But I don’t feel comfortable- I’m really bad at asserting myself in person with someone else-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-at, like, a boundary or thing I don’t want.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that’s humans humaning though, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
There’s a weird pressure to it, and that’s difficult to navigate.
KYLE GETZ
Have you, like, had to assert- Like, are you- How are you at asserting boundaries or things?
MIKE JOHNSON
Ugh, terrible.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah?
MIKE JOHNSON
But getting better, I think. Mostly because, like, I’m really… Um. I’m not demisexual, Kyle! [Kyle chuckles] But typically like to save anal for, like, a repeat encounter. Like, and I’ve gotten to the point now where I will assert, like, “That’s a next time thing.”
KYLE GETZ
Are people receptive of that?
MIKE JOHNSON
Mostly, yeah. Seem to be. Yeah, I don’t know. I think- My focus on, like, connection as part of sex is- like, lends itself to that conversation better… than, like, what I picture in my head as like the standard anonymous hookups kind of a situation where, like, there is no conversation, there’s no talking about it, it’s just, like, “You show up, and you bang, and you leave,” kind of a thing. So, I don’t know. I don’t know. The thing I wasn’t going to talk about earlier, and now I’m going to – and you’ll understand why I’m nervous about it in just a second – is the last four partners that I had insisted on condom use. Uh, three of them were trans dudes. And, like, it seems like every time I’ve hooked up with a trans guy condoms have been part of the scenario. And that’s just because their sexual health reasons are different than cis dudes. And, um, I just- I’ve noticed that. I have noticed that, like, if I’m gonna hook up with a trans guy, it’s likely a condom is gonna be involved and, like, just know that that’s a thing and bring one. And, you know, whatever. So, I was hesitating to want to talk about it for two reasons. One is, I don’t want to speak for, like, all trans dudes but, like, my personal sample size is what shows that. So, um- But then the other thing is, I’ve gotten into a couple of scraps online with people that, like, say that because I hook up with trans guys I must be bisexual, and I don’t want to invite that conversation again.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m not. I don’t identify that way. Shut your fuckin’ mouth.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. And also, it’s very transphobic to say that hooking up with a- Hooking up with a man [chuckles] does not make you bisexual.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right.
KYLE GETZ
Hooking up with men makes you gay.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s right.
KYLE GETZ
And trans men are men.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s right. So, if that’s what you think, first, grow up second, second, like, I don’t want to hear it.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, don’t bring that up. That makes sense. I think- The last thing I’ll say is, condom use is also- Like, this isn’t- I talked about, like, being able to assert yourself when this comes up. So, luckily, this doesn’t come up with me, but I see other people, like I’ll see posts on Reddit when talking about- like AskGayMen, and someone will be like “I asked a partner to use a condom and he didn’t,” or “I thought we were using a condom we didn’t,” and, like, that’s sexual assault.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, that is a- Like, if you are placing a boundary on something – or a rule, whatever one it’s called – like, if you’re saying “This is what- I only will have sex with a condom,” and someone intentionally misleads, tricks, does something to have sex without one, like, that is- You can define it for yourself what you want, that could be bad sex for you, that could be, you know, whatever but, like, that is also sexual assault.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. It is. It absolutely is.
KYLE GETZ
I think more people need to realize that, mostly because, like, some people will, I think, dismiss that as just, like, “Oh, bad behavior,” or, like, “Oh, I don’t know. Like, how much should I care about this?” or, like, kind of let someone off the hook when they really shouldn’t Yeah. That’s a really shitty thing, to be told directly what someone is not- is off the table, and then someone doing it anyway.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, that’s kind of the definit-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, that’s very, very violating. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. And yeah, if anyone’s gone through that, that really sucks and that is- You don’t deserve that. You should have- deserve to have people who respect what your boundaries are without having to push for them or, you know, have to deal with any of that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So, I think that’s really important when it comes to condom use, that if you are good at using them and if you are good at asserting yourself, you deserve to have that respected.
MIKE JOHNSON
Now did we do it?
KYLE GETZ
Ah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
We did something?
KYLE GETZ
We did some stuff. [Mike laughs] We did stuff! Yeah! Like me with men, we did stuff.
MIKE JOHNSON
Ah, well lubricated. Okay, um, so, should we take a break?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Let’s take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s take a break.
KYLE GETZ
Break. [half-singing] This is the part where wah mah wah bah bah baow baow!
[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
Are you ready?
KYLE GETZ
Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, so are we back?
KYLE GETZ
We’re back!
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re back!
KYLE GETZ
We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first…
KYLE GETZ
Buy your tickets.
KYLE GETZ
Buy your tickets! We’re going to be in New York, like, day after tomorrow.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
You dickbags.
KYLE GETZ
Very soon.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, “dickbags”! Condoms!
KYLE GETZ
Aww! [both chuckle] You scumbags.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Affectionate.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, we are also going to be in Seattle on June 23rd, Chicago on July 29th, San Francisco on August 13th, LA on September 10th, and Houston on October 15th. So take a look at tickets at gayishpodcast.com/live and come see us.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeaaaah! We would love to see you, except if you’re dumb. Uhh… our website is gayishpodcast.com.
KYLE GETZ
We are on Instagram @gayishpodcast. We also have a Discord, a Facebook group, Spaces. Get all that info at gayishpodcast.com/contact.
MIKE JOHNSON
Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, leave us voicemails, we love them, especially if they’re your Gayest or Straightest or if they’re a question for Ma Johnson for Momsplaining.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
Um, we have an email: gayishpodcast@gmail.com.
MIKE JOHNSON
And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.
KYLE GETZ
I almost just started singing Local Gay Bar Review.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, we can do that!
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Okay. I didn’t know if you actually had one, but I just- That jingle jumped into my head.
MIKE JOHNSON
[singing] Local Gay Bar Review. [speaking] Okay, I want to talk to you about a place that we also went together, which is Somewhere Bar in Garden City, Idaho near Boise.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And uh, we went there.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, we went a couple times.
MIKE JOHNSON
There was a- Right at the door there was a person selling homemade jockstraps.
KYLE GETZ
Yes!
MIKE JOHNSON
And that’s when I knew that we’d arrived home.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, it was karaoke. We did karaoke.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
A boy from Grindr came there to meet with me.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
That was interesting. I really liked it. I think that, like, if I lived in the Boise area that would be my bar, as opposed to The Ball- The Balcony.
KYLE GETZ
Balcony. Yeah, I completely agree. I think it has a little bit more- Like, these days my bar of preference are like a little bit more lowkey, like not so much like you go to see and be seen.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, a little bit chiller vibe. Places where you can just go, and sit down, and hang out if you want to. There are some pool tables there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like you said, they had karaoke.
MIKE JOHNSON
Visible lesbians.
KYLE GETZ
Visib- [both chuckle] Yeah, people of, like, different varieties. Um, I really enjoyed that place too.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. 4 dildos!
KYLE GETZ
Ooh. Yeah, I agree.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Now Gayest & Straight?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great, Gayest & Straight. Uh, do you want me to go first?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. The straightest thing about me this week: I had condoms! [both laugh] Which, I know that your research apparently says that I’m incorrect about that, but I did think-
KYLE GETZ
We’re talking stereotypes, so it fits.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I- Having condoms at the ready, available for playing with on camera. [both chuckle] Uh, straightest. Uhm the gayest thing about me this week is I am attending a fundraising gala coming up, and look at these gay-ass shoes. [Kyle gasps] I bought these gay-ass shoes, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
[gasps] Oooh, so sparkly!
MIKE JOHNSON
They are rhinestone shoes.
KYLE GETZ
I love these.
MIKE JOHNSON
Caviarr rhinestone shoes from Steve Madden.
KYLE GETZ
These are so cute.
MIKE JOHNSON
A friend of mine at work is involved in this organization called Plymouth Housing and they work on, like, the horrible housing shortage that is the greater Seattle area. But their annual fundraising event is called “Pop Some Tops” [Kyle laughs] so I’m going-
KYLE GETZ
You’re going as a top?
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, I’m going as- But, like, as the token gay of this, like, table of straight people. And the theme this year is Interstellar Discotheque.
KYLE GETZ
Oooh.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s why I decided to go for those shoes. I also got a blue sequined tuxedo jacket-
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
-that I’m excited to show you next time for my gayest. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
How about you, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
My gayest is… Oh, I got the coveted double, like, the boyfriends checking me out.
MIKE JOHNSON
Ooh.
KYLE GETZ
It was very clear. Like, I was walking way across the street, these dudes were walking away from me, they seemed to be together, one of them looked over, checked me out, looked back said, something to the other guy, the other guy looked over, check me out. So I was like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Nice.
KYLE GETZ
“You’re definitely checking me out,” and I felt so validated.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well done.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Good work, girl.
KYLE GETZ
Um, the straightest is the exact opposite happened when all the, like, hot shirtless runners are going by.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I’m like, you know, bending over, [Mike laughs] giving sultry looks or batting my eyelashes. None of them gave a shit about me, so they all must- They must have been straight if they didn’t care.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m sure [Kyle chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, also, like… I don’t know. One way to make me not horny is to have- like, go run. Like, [Kyle laughs] they’re busy. They’re doing other shit.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. It could just be that they’re in the middle of running. But they’re, like, running shirtless, so they’re clearly, like-
MIKE JOHNSON
On the prowl?
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know. They want a little bit of attention.
MIKE JOHNSON
They’re inviting the gaze?
KYLE GETZ
They’re inviting the gays a little bit.
KYLE GETZ
Alright. A listener’s Gayest & Straightest this time comes from our Spaces. So-
MIKE JOHNSON
Spaces.
KYLE GETZ
So you can go to Spaces and we have a bunch of different Spaces within our Space. I don’t know how to- what they’re called. But anyway, in our main Space I asked for Gayest & Straightests and this one is from Brett. “Straightest: I rebuilt the ramp to my tool shed.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Ooo.
KYLE GETZ
Wow. Impressive.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, and “Gayest: I celebrated my third anniversary of being married to another dude.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Aw.
KYLE GETZ
Happy three year anniversary, Brett.
MIKE JOHNSON
Happy anniversary, mos.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. That’s so sweet. Um, so, I think that is it.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s it! This has been Gayish. Buy your fuckin’ tickets, you dickbags.
KYLE GETZ
Buy them please, [Mike laughs] lovely, lovely humans.
MIKE JOHNSON
And see you in New York in a couple of days.
KYLE GETZ
Um, thank you to all the people who wear condoms. Good for you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Eh.
KYLE GETZ
Eh. Okay. [Mike laughs] Um, and thank you to our Super Gap Bridgers who I’m sure all use condoms: Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Waddu, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.
MIKE JOHNSON
That is it. This has been Gayish. From the Chris Khachatourians studios, I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous be you.
MIKE JOHNSON
See you in New York.
KYLE GETZ
See you in New York.
[Outro music plays, instrumental]
MIKE JOHNSON
[airplane audible in the background] That plane, where’s it going? Do you think it’s going for condoms?
KYLE GETZ
It seems so close. Condom run.
[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]
