Gayish: 332 Ketamine

Mike and Kyle talk about ketamine’s use as an anesthetic, as a recreational drug, and as a treatment for depression. Plus, Azealia Banks?!

In this episode: News- 2:57 || Main Topic (Ketamine)- 19:00 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:10:15

Tickets for our 6th anniversary live show mini-tour go on pre-sale starting May 1 (except NYC, which is already in pre-sale). Visit www.gayishpodcast.com/live for details and tickets. We can’t wait to see you!

On the Patreon bonus segment, Mike talks about k-holes, plus loads more on ketamine we didn’t get to on the main episode. Join Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

MIKE JOHNSON  

Before we start, this episode of Gayish features frank discussion about illegal drug use. If that is something you’d prefer not to hear, or if there’s any possibility that will be a trigger for you in any way, we suggest you please skip this week’s episode. If you or anyone you know is struggling with drugs or alcohol, there are addiction and recovery resources listed on our website at gayishpodcast.com/help. And now, enjoy Gayish.

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ  

The first direct-to-VHS podcast.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] God. I would take that!

KYLE GETZ  

Starring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen…

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh my god.

KYLE GETZ

…as Lil Shrievenrickle.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Are you a Mary-Kate or an Ashley?

KYLE GETZ  

Um, whichever one was in Weeds.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON

And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality, and today…

KYLE GETZ

Today…

MIKE JOHNSON

Whew. Whew, yeah, gonna talk about ketamine…

KYLE GETZ

Ketamine.

MIKE JOHNSON

…on the heels of Bestiality, which everyone loved. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

This was voted on by our Patreon Gap Bridgers though, so y’all wanted us to talk about it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. And, again, the Gap Bridgers and everyone else voted very differently.

KYLE GETZ  

Yes, everyone else in our tiebreaker vote voted on shame so we are going to do that for our bonus episode this month for Patreon.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Sure are.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Uh, but first…

KYLE GETZ

But first…

MIKE JOHNSON

…uh, a correction.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

This one comes from Mike… Royce? I’m gonna say “Royce”. Mike Royce. “Hi, Mike and Kyle. Just a minor correction regarding AI and cows,” which at first I thought was Chat GPT but, no, he means “artificial insemination”.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Just a minor correction regarding AI in cows, although not sure if it makes it sound any better than shoving an arm up the vajayjay. The lubed plastic sleeve up to the shoulder is actually inserted into the rectum of the cow and used to grab and stabilize the cervix which lies just below the rectum, then a long pipette/breeding gun containing the bull semen is inserted into the vagina and through the cervix with the other hand. Learned how to do this in college. Good times. Happy Thursday! – Mike.” [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

“Breeding gun” is what I’m gonna call my dick from now on.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

“Watch out, fellas, here comes the breeding gun! Open up your vaginas.”

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Oh God.

KYLE GETZ

I mean rectum.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I- Yeah. Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em. I, um- I didn’t- I didn’t know. Like, I grew up around cows. I had no idea that that’s like- The whole time, I thought that they were like reachin’ right up in there and ticklin’ those ovaries, but no.

KYLE GETZ  

I didn’t know we talked about it on the episode, so I didn’t [chuckle] even know there was a correction to be made.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I for sure- Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I for sure talked about it.

KYLE GETZ

I mostly listened to you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. [chuckles] And now the news.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckling] Speaking of listening to me…

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah? I have to do that for a bit.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, news the first. Okay, we’re gonna talk about South Korea.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, for a long time, South Korea’s biggest annual LGBTQ pride celebration has been held in the same place in the middle of Seoul. And there’s performers and rainbow costu- like, everything you would expect out of a Pride festival.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

But, this year, the Seoul Queer Culture Festival has been turned away from the venue. And, instead, it’s going to be hosting a Christian Youth Concert. And, uh, the festival organizers are crying foul. They say that this is discrimination and-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Plus, you don’t want a cult there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. [Kyle chuckles] Right. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

What’s the difference between religion and a cult? Time.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, what happened was the organizers for both the festival and the concert applied to use the plaza venue from June 30th to July 1st – this is according to the government of Seoul – and both groups were informed of this and offered to change dates. Like “Would you consider changing dates?”

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] “Do you want to change Pride?” [chuckles] Like, that’s not-

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Right. And because neither of them said yes to changing dates, it went to a civic committee. So their- The government said “Okay, well, then this committee of people is gonna have to choose which one”…

KYLE GETZ

Uh-oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

…and they sided with the Christian concert. The civic committee prioritizes, quote, “events related to children or teenagers or those that have other value in the ‘public interest.’” So it’s- It gets worse. So it’s not like it’s a, like- I don’t know. It’s not like a Taylor Swift concert in disguise or something. This is Christian broadcaster CTS which vocally opposes homosexuality, vocally opposes Pride festivals in general, according to Reuters. So, they’re saying that the concert was specifically organized and specifically targeted that date to accomplish exactly what they accomplished, which was displacing Pride.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, that’s fucked up. Especially, like, it’s- Like, the decision in and of itself is clear and direct homophobia, because it believes that religion is more important than, like, you know, gay kids feelin’ cool about themselves. And then you add to that the intentionality of this…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, yep. And, I mean, things aren’t super-duper great in Korea anyway. Like, they’re- You know… Asia in general has sort of a long ways to go when it comes to LGBTQ stuff and policies, and Korea’s no exception. But uh, there are no comprehensive anti-discrimination laws, for instance, in South Korea. And, at least according to The Advocate, things are worse there for gay people than in Japan or Taiwan, um, in terms of acceptance. So, anyway, sorry about it, Korea.

KYLE GETZ  

That really sucks. Especially when it’s, like, an event – you know, an annual event – that like they should just be given priority every year to be like first right of refusal or something, because it’s Pride. It’s fucking Pride.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s fucking Pride.

KYLE GETZ

Like, that happens every year at the same time. Like, it’s always then.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I keep thinking about like the Pride parade here in Seattle, for how long now, has ended at the Space Needle at Seattle Center for PrideFest. Can you imagine, like, you just get so used to it…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

…rolling in there on Sunday of Pride and here’s a [chuckles] bunch of fuckin’ Christians singing about Jesus hating gay people.

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god. It’d be like opposite world. [Mike laughs] We’re like “Wait, this is exact opposite of what we expect here.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ugh. Anyway- And just the whole, like, “It’s not us, it’s this random group of people that we picked from a whole pool of generally homophobic people,” [chuckles] right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, ugh. Just the “Sorry. It’s not us, it’s these people.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, it’s just- I hate that.

KYLE GETZ

That sucks.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That really sucks.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, news the second. Before I do news the second, I wrote down here a thing that I just had a quick thought. And I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately that, like, it’s uncomfortable for people to hear what’s going on in the news, and especially trans people because things are particularly fucked for them right now, and, like, is- is it okay to just, like, week after week after week, keep saying this like horrible shit that’s going on? But, um- And then I keep thinking about this thing that happened at work last week that I’m gonna talk about more later, I think. But, uh, we had a team in my org that launched this whole thing based around “Which Harry Potter house are you a member of?” and I, like, I lost my shit. I talked about it in the happy hour. I, like, lost my shit and they pulled it down, and they stopped doing this thing and issued this big apology, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But the person that was behind that is actually the head of our LGBT group in Israel, which is where the team is based. So it made me realize that, like, I don’t know- I don’t know if he’s an ally or a member of the community but, either way, he’s heading the queer resource group in that country and doesn’t know better, had never heard of JK Rowling being transphobic, had no idea that Harry Potter could be triggering for trans people and that it is inappropriate in a work context. Anyway, so I- I keep thinking about that and how, like, we’re sort of in a bubble, and I don’t know if everybody even fucking knows what’s going on. And the need to let people know overrides whatever potential discomfort there is in having to hear how fucked up shit is another week in a row.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Well, I mean, especially, like, our audience is a lot of people that are similar to us because that’s just naturally who, like, listens to shows, is people that feel like you can relate to. So I think, amongst our audience as well, like, it’s helpful to keep people up to date on what’s going on.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Okay. Alright. Well, um-

KYLE GETZ

And you also bring in positive trans stories as well. So you- It’s not that it’s only the doom and gloom. There’s also good things that happen in the trans world, in the trans community, in the LGBT community, and I think you bring in both news stories from time to time. So-

MIKE JOHNSON

But, man, some weeks is fuckin’ hard. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Some weeks- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, which makes sense. Like, and- Like, there’s something about, like, you don’t want to, like, just pretend like “Oh, let me give equal – you know – time to good and bad,” like, because that’s not- that would feel just wrong to try to pretend like it’s equally good and bad out there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But there’s like a little bit of “You gotta give ‘em hope,” you know?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, I don’t know, I think you do a good job balancing, and this is what the news segment is. And you can kind of expect that, so…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, and you do a good job of putting in the timestamps. In the description of every episode there’s timestamps and if, like- If you find news is just triggering, or too depressing, or you just, like-

KYLE GETZ

Or you’re listening to back episodes and you don’t need to hear what happened in like August of 2021. Like, I don’t know. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Yeah, yeah. Skip forward. Just skip forward.

KYLE GETZ

Just skip to the main topic, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Alright, so, news the second. So, there is the Church at Ponce & Highland in Georgia – it’s an Atlanta – which is, in general, is an LGBTQ-supportive church. They changed their reader board sign outside the church to say “GOD LOVES TRANS KIDS”.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

Cool, except that-

KYLE GETZ  

Uh-oh. Except for what’s gonna happen next.

MIKE JOHNSON  

-when people showed up for church on Sunday morning, somebody had spray painted-out “God” and substituted “PEDOS”. So it said “PEDOS LOVES TRANS KIDS”, which, that’s not even grammatically correct, you fuckin’ dickbags.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Gotcha! [both chuckle] Grammar. Technicality.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, but yeah, TV station WAGA reported that the sign was defaced. Reverend Mimi Walker, who’s the senior pastor, told the station, quote, it’s “Sad that this is a part of the conversation in our culture that people feel the need to react with such ugly messages,” “It’s offensive.” “We believe god loves all people,” “In particular, God loves the LGBTQ community and trans community who are not seeing that love in all places in our culture.” So the church, you know, they band together and they went and fixed the sign and reported the matter to police. This is the first time that they’ve had their sign vandalized, even though they have posted pro-gay messaging before, pro-LGBTQ messaging before. They have had their pride flag stolen several years… Um-

KYLE GETZ  

Maybe it’s just a kid who needed a pride flag.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, maybe.

KYLE GETZ

Thanks church. Free pride flag! Ooo! [both chuckle] Yoink!

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s kind of a good idea, to hand out pride flags.

KYLE GETZ  

Right? Yeah, just a free- [chuckles] “Hey, they’re waving a free pride flag for me.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, but she said, quote, “We’ll continue to keep putting out our message of love for all people. That power that we have is to keep putting out the positive messages that here is a safe [space]-” “place” “…here is a safe place,” “We are going to stay true to our commitment to care for those around us. There are people in communities who support them and love them and know that god loves them as well.” And we talk about religion a lot on the show and-

KYLE GETZ

Sorry. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, it is-

KYLE GETZ

…For my jokes about it.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s not- It’s not all religions. There are- There are queer-affirming churches out there who are doing their best, and they are, I think, you know, in this very contentious friction point in culture. So I- I just want to catch a church winning.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

You know, even though this shitty thing happened to them.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. The religious people that I respect are the ones that, I think, say that like “If you’re not getting any kind of discomfort or pushback, then you’re not pushing the message of God’s love and what that means hard enough.” Like, if everyone’s just kind of like “Sure, okay,” then you’re doing whatever the easy version of… you know, God and what he actually meant. You know, when he said “Love everyone,” he didn’t give a little asterisk and say “except LGBT kids,” or “except trans kids.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

He just said “everyone.” So, like, I respect the people that are trying to put the real message of what God meant out there and… and then take the flack for it and do- and then, when that comes up, then keep pushing it and not let up. So, I res- I very much respect that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Good. Good. Me too, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re on the same page.

KYLE GETZ

Yay, religion!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yay, religion! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Wow, 180! We love religion! It’s only good, always.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] …Well, I don’t know. [both chuckle] Uh, news the last. So, known bisexual actress Drew Barrymore has announced that she’s-

KYLE GETZ  

She’s bisexual!?

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s what The Advocate says.

KYLE GETZ

Not known t- Advocate?! You make assumptions of me. I did not known that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Ah.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Cool!

MIKE JOHNSON

But she’s no longer going to be hosting the MTV Movie & TV Awards on Sunday night because she is, uh- she’s stepping down in solidarity with writers who are on strike.

KYLE GETZ

Ohh.

MIKE JOHNSON

She had an interview in Variety and she said, quote, “I have listened to the writers, and in order to truly respect them, I will pivot from hosting the MTV Movie & TV Awards live in solidarity with the strike,” “Everything we celebrate and honor about movies and television is born out of their creation. And until a solution is reached, I am choosing to wait but I’ll be watching from home and hope you will join me.” And then you already- You reacted the way that I reacted: “Drew Barrymore’s bisexual?” [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Wow. I know. And- Well, I mean, the fact that Advocate says “known”, like, clearly this isn’t a brand new revelation or anything.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] She also hosts The Drew Barrymore Show, [laughing] which, did you know that, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ  

So much I’m learning about Drew Barry- What else about Drew Barrymore, Mike? She’s a Capricorn.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um-

KYLE GETZ

She loves… daffodils.

MIKE JOHNSON

…I have nothin’.

KYLE GETZ

That’s all there is to know about her. That’s fine.

MIKE JOHNSON  

She- Well- What was that? She showed David Letterman her tits once.

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

At least once.

KYLE GETZ

At least once. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

On national television.

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, but who- who among us hasn’t, you know?

MIKE JOHNSON  

She did say that she’s still on good terms with MTV, that she will be back for the 2024 Movie & TV Awards, assuming that they want to have her. She said, quote, “I thank MTV, who has truly been some of the best partners I have ever worked with. And I can’t wait to be a part of this next year, when I can truly celebrate everything that MTV has created, which is a show that allows fans to choose who the awards go to and is truly inclusive.​” So, Drew Barrymore. She-

KYLE GETZ

Bisexual. Just killin’ it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Bisexual. So we’re doing our part, the opposite of bi erasure.

KYLE GETZ

Yes!

MIKE JOHNSON

She’s bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi. Bi bi bi! Anyway-

KYLE GETZ  

What just happened to you right then? [both chuckle] Were you doing NSYNC or a different thing that I didn’t understand?

MIKE JOHNSON

All of them.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, great!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. I have- [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

You sounded like a clip of every time NSYNC said “bye”, but done yourself.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Yeah. I-

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

That was magical.

KYLE GETZ

Speaking of magical things…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

…I want to thank the following Patreon members.

MIKE JOHNSON

Thanks!

KYLE GETZ

Thank you to- Thanks! [Mike chuckles] Later. Uh, thank you to Brian M. …I’m going to take a swing and say “Mor…neilten”. Morneilten!

MIKE JOHNSON

Morneilten!

KYLE GETZ

I’m takin- Man, if I get that right…

MIKE JOHNSON

Of the Cleveland Morneiltens?

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Oh, yes. North Cleveland, obvi. [Mike chuckles] Uh, Vegard? Vaygard? Veegard?

MIKE JOHNSON

Vegard.

KYLE GETZ

Vegard. That sounds like the leader of a cult if I’ve ever seen one. Um, Ember Keeler. Ooo, I love that one.

MIKE JOHNSON

I like that.

KYLE GETZ

That rolls off the- Hey, Ember.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Ember Keeler”, that sounds like maybe a drag queen’s name?

KYLE GETZ  

Oh! That would be a good drag name. Um, and… mynameisnotric. [Mike chuckles] All one word. mynameisnotric.

MIKE JOHNSON

Another “Wehadababyitsaboy”.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep. Thank you, ric. Fuck! Dammit! The one-

MIKE JOHNSON

Not ric.

KYLE GETZ

The one thing!

MIKE JOHNSON

Not ric!

KYLE GETZ

Damn, fuck! Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Thank you, not ric.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you, not ric. If you want to, join Patreon. You get bonus episodes, episodes a day early, no ads, and you can join at patreon.com/gayishpodcast. And, we are doing a new thing that is available to anyone, not just Patreon members, but it’s available on the Patreon site or in the Patreon app. It is this spotlight where we just recently interviewed Brad Shreve from the Queer We Are podcast.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

He had a really personal and intimate interview that I really appreciated. And, before that, we had done an interview with Queers in Your Ears, another podcast. So, both of those are available publicly. You don’t have to join, you can just listen to our interviews of podcasts. And maybe we’ll do more of these where we interview other podcasts and learn about them and what they do, um, available to everyone.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely. We have some pretty great people in our lives now who we can interview and get some interesting stuff but, like, doesn’t make a whole episode or necessarily fit into something that we have on the schedule. So, this is a way for us to still, like, put that content out there and get them the spotlight.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s why we’re calling it “spotlight”, Kyle. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah. And I don’t know what- I don’t know. I think we’re in this weird spot where we are big enough that people notice us, but still a small- Like, it is still three people trying to run this entire thing. We’re not like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know, some people are like “To the assistant’s assistant…” It’s like… no.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, that’s not- Like, we’re j- So, we get a ton of requests for, you know, interviews and people that wanna- will do things. So this is another avenue to kind of get content out there.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] It’s funny when people write in, and then I write back, and then they write back and they say “I can’t believe you wrote me back!”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m like-

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

As opposed to, like… my army of secretaries?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. [both chuckle] Yeah, yeah. Exactly. But yeah, join Patreon.

MIKE JOHNSON

Join Patreon. You also get 50% off live show tickets, Patreon folks, so fuckin’ do that!

KYLE GETZ

Oh, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

The code’s in the app.

KYLE GETZ

Or on the website.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Do you wanna…?

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s talk about ketamine, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

I’m nervous about this one.

MIKE JOHNSON

Are you? Can you say more about that?

KYLE GETZ  

It’s- It’s just a really big issue right now in the queer community, and so it’s one that, like… if we fuck up, like, farmers… I don’t know. [chuckles] Like, it just feels like it’s a different- Which, I think we got some nice comments from actual gay farmers on that episode. I don’t know why that- But, like, if we fuck up a different thing, if we fuck up talking about like… I don’t know, whatever- If we fuck up talking about balls, like, it’s not, you know, gonna mess somethin’ up.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure. Sure.

KYLE GETZ

Whereas-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Also, I have a couple of those.

KYLE GETZ

Balls?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [Kyle chuckles] So, like, I’m at least that way.

KYLE GETZ

You have the experi- Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

There’s currently zero ketamine in my home, but I do have balls.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, you know.

KYLE GETZ  

So, I don’t know. This one… I don’t know, feels a little bit heavier and more important to get right, so we’ll do our best.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’ll do our best. Well, I was gonna start with, like, “What the fuck is ketamine?”

KYLE GETZ

Sure!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah! Um, so, ketamine, if y’all don’t know, is a dissociative anesthetic. So, it was actually invented to put people out for surgery, like propofol which is also known as milk of amnesia. And they were- They were trying to find a way to make a different anesthetic which is phin- phenc- Fuck. …Phencyclidine, but also known as PCP which is the street drug “angel dust”. It was causing too many, like, complications. It was doing the job of, like, putting people under so that they could have surgery done on them but there were too many hallucinogenic effects to PCP and it wasn’t necessarily always safe. So they were tweaking that and that’s how they came up with ketamine. So, ketamine is just a couple of atoms different than PCP. So it’s the same class of drugs-

KYLE GETZ

Interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON

-does basically the same shit to your body. That’s- That’s the thing. So, it was… first synthesized in 1962 by Calvin Stevens. He was a professor of chemistry at Wayne State University and a consultant for a company called “Parke-Davis”. And they- He first started doing preclinical research in animals, and that’s how ketamine came to be used in a veterinary setting, which is gonna come up in a weird way later.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

But uh, it works quite effectively on most mammals as a way to put them out. So horses, dogs, cats, it was being used by veterinarians. So we got a bunch of data that way, and then this is a thing that- This sentence, they just threw this sentence out there and, like, left it there. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, “ketamine was tested in human prisoners in 1964.” So-

KYLE GETZ  

That feels… [Mike chuckles] like something that happened in the 60s. Like “Hey, prisoners, we don’t care about you! You don’t count,” like, “Let’s test shit on you.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes.

KYLE GETZ

I- Clearly- I don’t know. I don’t know anything more than you do, but, like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I read a 2010 paper [Kyle gasps] from the Journal of Anesthesiology called “Taming the Ketamine Tiger” and it talked about how they- they did this. And, at least according to this, they say that they asked for volunteers. They got 20 volunteers, [chuckles] in prison, to take ketamine and monitor them and see how it worked out. So, like I don’t- I don’t know. Like-

KYLE GETZ  

That feels- The power dynamic there-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah exactly! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

-feel very odd. Like, okay, what? Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Exactly right. Yeah. So, like, um-

KYLE GETZ

Or maybe they fuckin’ loved it. I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Here’s the thing: if you’re in prison… shit’s probably pretty boring.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, what would you do to spice up your day? [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

I guess if someone was like “Hey, do you want to try drugs?” I- No… I- Yeah, I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. Uh, so- But we got a lot of data about ketamine just out of that study asking for um, uh… volunteers. So then, uh… initially they were- they wanted to call ketamine anesthetic- people experiencing ketamine anesthesia, they wanted to use the verb “dreaming”. They were saying that that’s how they wanted to describe the state that it put people in. Um, but Parke-Davis, the company that was behind all of this stuff, did not approve of the name. And, uh, so, Mrs. Edward F. Domino, [TN: Mrs. Toni Domino] who was the wife of one of the pharmacologists, suggested “dissociative anesthesia” and that stuck. So, apparently, if you’re married to a pharmacologist you can just, like, throw shit out there and they’re like “Yeah, that sounds good.”

KYLE GETZ

Are you sure she’s not married to a pizza delivery company?

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughing] Right, yeah, exactly.

KYLE GETZ

I’m skeptical of that. I thought you were gonna say “the wife of Mr. Domino”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Like “the wife of Fred Domino”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right, yeah. Edward. Ed Domino, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Ed Domino. Um, so, after all of this stuff, then- Uh, yeah, “dissociative anesthesia” is the is the thing, and it is now classified as a “dissociative anesthetic” along with a bunch of other stuff.

KYLE GETZ

That’s a smart name.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, so FDA approved it for use in humans for anesthetic purposes in 1970 and it was first rolled out by the government and given to American soldiers during Vietnam.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, some of the reason is, a lot of other substances that we used to put people under for surgery slow the heart rate down, lowers the blood pressure, and, depending on what else is going on for that person, that can be super dangerous.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

And it turns out that ketamine doesn’t do that.

KYLE GETZ

Doesn’t it do the opposite.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ketamine actually can make your heart rate and/or blood pressure go up.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So it’s especially useful in like a field hospital trauma situation.

KYLE GETZ

Whew.

MIKE JOHNSON

And so they started using it on American soldiers during the Vietnam War and it went on from there. The thing is: the FDA approved it in 1970, and by 1971 it was being used recreationally enough-

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

-that it made it into- This blew me away, this is crazy. There was an underground comic about a fictional trio of stoner characters who would go around, and hijinks would ensue, and their whole dynamic was to see how many different kinds of drugs they could get their hands on and then do all of these drugs together. The name of it was “The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers”.

KYLE GETZ  

Wow. I thought you were gonna call it- it would be like “K-marmaduke”, or “K-maduke”, or somethin’.

MIKE JOHNSON

Not- Well…

KYLE GETZ

Beavis and Butt-Head and their friend Ketamine Joe.

MIKE JOHNSON

[both chuckle] Ketamine Joe.

KYLE GETZ

[in a goofy voice] “I’m Ketamine Joe.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh my god. Or, like, “Ketamine” as the name of a pet.

KYLE GETZ

Aww!

MIKE JOHNSON

Or “Katamine”. Oh, it’s “Katamine”!

KYLE GETZ

Katamine!

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Sure. Um-

KYLE GETZ

Meow.

MIKE JOHNSON

But yeah, The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers was- it started in Austin, Texas in an underground newspaper called “The Rag” in 1968 and then eventually got big enough that it was being published as its own thing.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. But yeah, that- They got on that quick, both, like, the recreational use and it just appearing in, like, pop culture. That’s a quick turnaround.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. So-

KYLE GETZ

And I didn’t realize it had been around that long. Like, we’ll talk more about, like, recently it’s become even more of an issue in the queer community, but, like, that-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It’s been around for a long time.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

It really- It really, really has. So, like a lot of drugs, ketamine sort of flew under the radar as far as, like, the law was concerned and regulatory concerns. So it took a while for it then to get illegal, or at least reg- you know, put on the different schedules, like the FDA’s Schedule II – it’s now Schedule III, I think – and the equivalent in other countries. But part of it is, it got popular in the 1990s within rave and club scenes all over the world. Of course, in the United States, which you’re gonna talk about recreational stuff a little bit later, but apparently adult film star Joey Stefano died in 1994 from an overdose. He was in some gay porn, I understand. I might have gotten that wrong, but I think that he was a gay porn actor. So he- Yeah, he died in ‘94 from an overdose of ketamine, and that sort of kicks off a renewed “Oh, maybe we should- Maybe we should lock this shit down,” wave, you know, of legislation. So, in Australia, it’s a controlled drug under the Poisons Standard. In Canada it’s a Schedule I narcotic since 2005, which seems kind of late to me. It took India until 2013 to add it, and that was only after there was a string of date rape that was tied to ketamine. In the UK they regulate it as a Class B drug – that means something, I guess – in 2014. But uh, it’s been controlled in the United States as a Schedule III drug since 1999. So, weirdly, we were ahead of the curve on- [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Wow! Since when does that happen [chuckles] in the US?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, I’m gonna talk about k-holes in the Patreon segment.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

But uh, do you- Let’s- Do you know- Can you name some names, some street names for ketamine?

KYLE GETZ

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

You don’t know any of ‘em?

KYLE GETZ

“Special K”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Special K! “Special K” is number one, and the most common that’s used. When it first started becoming recreational in the late 60s and early 70s, it was called “mean green” or “rockmesc”.

KYLE GETZ

“Rockmesc”?

MIKE JOHNSON

R-O-C-K-M-E-S-C.

KYLE GETZ

Huh! That’s like a good wrestler name.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, “Special K” or just “K”, “kitty”, “ket”, “K2”, “vitamin K”, “super K”, “honey oil”.

KYLE GETZ  

Aw! [chuckles] That sounds like a- like a vegan… I don’t know. That’s sounds too adorable to be this, like…

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

…dangerous drug.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, “jet”, “super acid”, “mauve”, “special LA Coke,” “purple”, “wacky dust”, “rhino benzo”, “wonk”, “cat Valium”, “knod-off”, “Skittles”, “blind squid”-

KYLE GETZ

Skittles…

MIKE JOHNSON

-“Keller”, Kelly’s Day”, “new ecstasy”, “psychedelic heroin”, “bump”, or “majestic”. Also there’s a mixture of ketamine and cocaine that gets called “Calvin Klein” or “CK1”.

KYLE GETZ

Ohh.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, in Hong Kong, they call it “kai-jai”. But yeah, that’s sort of the history of ketamine where it comes from, but I was surprised to learn that there’s, like – well, not surprised, I guess – there’s nothing natural about it. It is 100% created in a lab. So they, like, use test tubes, and bubbling, and churning [Kyle chuckles] to make to make PCP and then they take PCP and they further refine it and it becomes ketamine.

KYLE GETZ  

Interesting. Yeah, wow. Um, yeah, so I’m gonna to tell you more about the recreational use.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah!

KYLE GETZ

Before I do though, I will mention: I will also be talking about the medicinal uses there are. So, like, I’m gonna talk about kind of the negative and harmful types of uses, and there are also very promising therapeutic…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…especially to treat major depressive disorder, things that I have personally considered because of my depression and the same clinic offers them. So there are both good and bad so I’m starting with the bad, but just know there’s more to it than just this one thing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And, like you talked about, it’s an anesthetic. So, like, there’s lots of other uses. But, for recreational use, the one study- There’s- I couldn’t find a study that specifically narrowed it down to gay men, except for one that focused on, like, gay men at clubs. Like, this really specific thing that was going to then say, like, you know, “97% of gay men use it,” or something that, like, just felt like it- It wasn’t the one that I wanted to just grab.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Sure. Like, did it feel like, you know, Seattle has Hempfest so they, like, “Turns out 98% of people do marijuana!” [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

It felt- Yeah, very, like, misleading and not gonna give us a good general overview. So, what I grabbed is this study called “Past-Year Ketamine Use: Evidence from a United States Population, 2015-2019” that was published in 2022 by Dr. Andrew Yockey in the Journal of Psychoactive Drugs.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Dr. Yockey” sounds like a dealer. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

“Hey, hit up my friend Dr. Yockey. He’s gotcha covered.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] This is recent, it’s new. This is fresh off the presses, sort of.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, just published. Like, everything- You know, it was collected from 2015 to 2019 but then it takes time to, like, assemble it and publish. And this is one I could not get access to all the details, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll just tell you what the- what they found. They estimated that .13% of adults have used ketamine in the past year in the US.

MIKE JOHNSON

Point-one-three?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Which is interesting because a different study showed that, in 2019, which is included in this but not- But, you know, that .13 includes, you know, more years. Just in 2019, about 1% of US people 18 and up reported using ketamine recreationally in the past year. So, the latest data that I have is from 2019. What did I say? Did I say “1%”?

MIKE JOHNSON

.13%.

KYLE GETZ

.13%. In 2019 it was 1%.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow, okay.

KYLE GETZ

So, I don’t- That’s the latest data I have so it’s possible – my guess, based on what I read – is it is increasing in usage.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s like 3 million people.

KYLE GETZ

Maybe 2019 was just a wild year. I don’t know. But it seems like usage is increasing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] We should time and tell them to wait until 2020. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Well… Okay, so, actually, I will jump to this: Rachael Bennett, [TN: Raquel Bennett] a psychologist who had studied the drug since 20- 2002, said in a Rolling Stones article that I read “I spent the first 16 years of my career trying to convince people to use this tool,” because it’s- you know, there’re good effects that I’m going to talk about later, “I spent the last four telling people to stop and exercise restraint.” And she said that there was a big spike of reports in ketamine addiction since the pandemic.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

KYLE GETZ

So I think people did resort to drugs, including ketamine, during the pandemic, which makes sense. Like, shit was hard and we were all coping doing whatever we could, and that included…

MIKE JOHNSON

Wine.

KYLE GETZ

Wine- [Mike chuckles] That included box wine for me for sure, that included weed, that included drugs.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, that, was part of it. Um- I mean, and for me as well. So- And others. So… Back to the study though. So yes, it does say that it does seem to be increasing. In the pandemic, people did get the note and start, you know, goin’ for it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But, um, at least back to this study, the people that are more likely to use- men are more likely to use it. Other risk factors that indicate, that can- or, you know, tied to increased use, are past-year drug use – so, if you use any drugs, that make sense – and, this is where we come in, sexual minority status. Um, the highest-risk people they found were sexual minority males who had reported using more than one substance.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Yeah, I mean, that- Here it is, the good, the bad, and the ugly. But that, like, checks out…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…with what I know of the scene.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I read something else that was not just ketamine, that was about any kind of these either party or sex drugs that people use, and it- there were other people other than gay men. Like, we tend to be the ones that get focused on in this conversation, and it was saying, like, there are other people that use drugs during sex. And so it’s not just gay men, but it did confirm that it- But gay men are among the most likely to do it, so the targeted message towards them is fair-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-and is warranted, and it is useful.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So it seems like this is- it is the right- this stereotype at least is correct. It is the right- targeting the right callout, the right thing that we as a community need to watch out for.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh-huh, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So I’m gonna talk about some of the risks and harm-reduction ideas. So, risks: you talked about, um, just the dissociative state and what people call a “k-hole”. Like, that is because you get side effects like delusions, like visions. You can get into these – if you use too much – dissociative states that can, it said, for some people, feel euphoric and, for other people, are like terrifying, and scary, and like you’re not in your body, and- Um, so that’s one of the risks. There’s a risk – you know, it’s a drug – high tolerance and dependency. There’s- Other side effects could be cramps or permanent bladder damage. So, in harm reduction, if you feel like you have to pee a lot more or if you see blood in your pee, that’s when you know you should see a doctor, because it can cause bladder damage.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Wow. I’ve never heard of that even a little bit.

KYLE GETZ

Really?

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s insane. Okay, go ahead.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, yeah. There’s also, and we’re hearing about this a lot in Seattle and a few of the- the, uh, fentanyl.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah, it’s a story everywhere but I- but yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m hearing about that a lot here. Just, there’s a risk of fentanyl combination. So, fentanyl is a painkiller that is found in hospitals, also manufactured for the black market, and it is very potent, 25 to 50 times more potent than heroin.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So it is, like- I’ve seen the comparison of the size of dose or whatever, and it is a tiny dose of fentanyl. So that’s the risk.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, some people use fentanyl on its own, sometimes it’s found in other drugs. It can be mixed into drugs like heroin or oxycodone because it’s a cheap alternative, offers a sedentary high, so it can be cut-in…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…you know, potentially to help, like, with the profits of people selling drugs. It’s also found in cocaine, which, they didn’t know what the- Um, you even mentioned it on your list, of “CK” as one.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

There- So it sound- If there’s a- They said there are two- People disagree on why it’s found in cocaine, either intentionally mixed in to create its own drug- It has a different name, that seems like that’s a realistic possibility.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But this article didn’t say for sure. Or, accidental. If you’re- This is where I don’t know the details of drug dealing or how it works. If you’re doin’ your drug stuff with fentanyl, they don’t- you’re not, like, going to sterilize all your equipment or wipe it down, and a little bit of fentanyl, if that gets into cocaine, could be accidental.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Sure. Sure, sure, sure. There’re even, like, anecdotal reports of, like, accidental overdose because people just, like, handle something that has fentanyl in it-

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and didn’t know that it had it in it and then, like, I don’t know, touched their eye or something.

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. Yep. So, one of the harm reduction ideas is testing your drugs, is making sure. If you’re going to do it, test it to make sure that it is pure and not- does not contain any fentanyl.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I don’t even know how I would do that. Like, can I run to the drugstore and get, like-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, go to the police. [chuckles] Ask about it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. “Could you test this for me, please? Thank you.”

KYLE GETZ  

There are devices you can use to test.

MIKE JOHNSON

Cool.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know any more than that, but yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, anyway, that was a lot about fentanyl, but that is the risk, that there could be, you know, fentanyl is included in this, that there’s- that could be deadly. And overdose on ketamine alone – death from overdose on ketamine alone – is rare.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm.

KYLE GETZ

So let’s not say it doesn’t happen, let’s just say that that part is very rare. The risk though, the big risk, is whe- And studies say that most ketamine emergency room visits and deaths involve mixture with other drugs like alcohol, like opioids, or other stimulants. So, I mentioned some of the harm reduction ideas but other things that came up when looking this up- And the idea being I’m, like, a big proponent of harm reduction, but we haven’t just, like, mention- in all aspects of life, not just drugs, but the idea being, like… people will continue doing drugs. For some people they don’t even have a choice, they don’t want to, it just is part of it, or people may make the decision that they’re gonna keep doing it, whatever. People are gonna do drugs.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I would rather you know how to be safe while doing that, if you are going to choose to, and stay alive.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Rather than us not- like, pretending like abstinence is the only way to do it and then you’re like “Okay, then I don’t- then I’m just gonna do whatever,” and then not know and you accidentally mess up.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep, absolutely. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, some harm reduction suggestions: eat at least two hours before you use, stay hydrated, so drink water or electrolyte drinks. This can help with the bladder damage that I mentioned. The idea that mixing ketamine is more the cause of emergency room visits or overdose… either avoid or try to reduce mixing ketamine with other substances. So, mixing ketamine with depressants can contribute to an overdose, mixing ketamine with stimulants can increase your heart rate and blood pressure so put pressure on your heart. Leave at least 30 minutes before doses if you’re going to, especially if you don’t know how it affects you, how much it affects you. That gives you enough time to feel it out and decide if you do want to do more. Do it with people you know, one of the risks- because the risk is becoming disoriented or disassociated. It talked about- And this is, again, what I really like about just acknowledging what happens. So, if you’re using it during sex work, if you’re using it around people you don’t know, if you’re using it around strangers, if you’re using- Like, those- that becomes a little bit more- Just be aware that you may not be in full control when you do that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So, it does make it a little bit riskier, so be around people that you know and trust. And one article suggested provide psychological support in party spaces, which, like, that, I was like “Really?” Like, I’ve never heard- I’ve never heard- Like, that would be very cool if you could have like a doctor on hand at places you know- Or, I don’t even know. Psychologically, you could have like a… I don’t know, a therapist to talk through if you’re dissoc-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know what that means, [Mike chuckles] like, or how we would do that exactly, but it was like-

MIKE JOHNSON

The next rave I throw, I’m gonna have, you know, somebody show up. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

Yes, exactly. But that was like a- That’s like a smart- Like, it just hit me as like “Oh, no one would ever do that,” and I was like “Oh, wait, but that’d be a really smart-” Like, you know, a volunteer healthcare worker. I don’t know, someone that could just be like “Look, I know…” Let’s just have someone on hand. So I- Again, I’d rather reduce- I’d rather a harm-reduction approach. Anyway, I thought that was an interesting suggestion.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, for sure.

KYLE GETZ

But those are risks and harm-reduc- There are other harm reduction ideas, especially depending on the type you use, if you do, like, you know, snorting, or booty bump, or, you know, do various types. There are other suggestions, so make sure to read up on-

MIKE JOHNSON

…”Booty bump”?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, that’s where you put it in your butt.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Neat.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. [Mike chuckles] Yeah, all of the drugs you can go through you can go rectally.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure. Yeah. I mean, you can butt chug booze, apparently. We learned that, so…

KYLE GETZ  

You can put a lot of stuff up your butt if you really want to. [Mike chuckles] But that creates, like- I think when- It was like when- That can damage, like- That puts you at high- If you do a booty bump and then having sex, like, that can put you at higher risk for STIs because then it’s more likely to, you know, like, kinda… I don’t know the word.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It, like, makes surfaces more, like, open to getting the STI in there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s the least medical way that I could describe that, that’s the risk, so it’s suggested, if you’re gonna booty bump, have someone do- wear a condom.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Huh! Well, thanks for that.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, no problem. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

I agree with you on the harm-reduction shit, by the way. Like, I think, you know, abstinence-only is such a puritanical, horseshit, Christian thing, like, about all kinds of stuff: sex, booze, rock’n’roll, dancing… I don’t know. But-

KYLE GETZ  

And, with drugs, it makes you feel- Like, if you do- To just say “Stop cold turkey…”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…that’s a lot for some people, and, um, it…

MIKE JOHNSON  

There’s a lot of shit that you can’t stop cold turkey, like it will kill you to stop cold turkey.

KYLE GETZ  

Yes, yes. And it’s- It makes you then- If you, like, ever use again, or relapse, or- It doesn’t- Like, you- It doesn’t- You can’t quit the first time. It, you know, usually takes multiple times to try quitting something before you can, then it makes you just feel like a failure if you do it again.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So it, like- It helps say, like, “Okay, let’s make this safer. Let’s reduce the amount of times. Let’s make su-” you know? Like, it’s- I absolutely think it’s a much better approach to all things, including drugs.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah! For sure. Yes. Yes!

KYLE GETZ  

Yesss.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, well, I’m gonna- I’m gonna tell you about Elijah McClain.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you know that name?

KYLE GETZ

Nope!

MIKE JOHNSON

We should. And, like- Like a lot of folks that fit this situation, we just- there’s too many of them to count. Anyway, he’s a 23-year-old African American from Aurora, Colorado who died six days after a violent police encounter. And so- So, on August 24th-

KYLE GETZ  

Okay, yes. I’ve heard the name.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Yeah- Uh, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But that’s about it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, and because of the timing of it also… Like, George Floyd was sort of the big flashpoint that really got, you know, “Say his name.” We said his name a lot while we were marching, right? Like- And this is roughly the same time period, right? So, um, uh… anyway. So, August 24th, 2019, there were three Aurora police officers and they made contact with Elijah McClain because an Aurora civilian had called in a tip that said that there was an unarmed person wearing a ski mask that looked sketchy. And all three of the officers that responded said that their body cameras were “knocked off” in the struggle with McClain and that’s why there’s no video – or, clear video – of all of this stuff.

KYLE GETZ  

That should be automatic firing. Like, if your bod- Body cameras are such a useful tool that we need for police, like- Ugh. Talk about harm-reduction…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. So, the caller- The caller definitely said that he did not believe that the person was armed, and that did not believe that anyone was in immediate danger, but wanted to call it in anyway. All he had done was go to the convenience store to get an iced tea for his brother. So, he was forcibly held to the ground with his hands cuffed behind his back…

KYLE GETZ  

So there’s clearly a step where they assumed it was him as the dangerous person.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, yeah, so- So, they approached him, they made contact with him. So, then, he seemed to have been- Well, he’s believed to have been listening to music at the time because he didn’t immediately respond, he didn’t immediately comply to police instructions-

KYLE GETZ

Aw, jeez.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and was kind of flailing around his arms, waving his arms around. And, um, his family-

KYLE GETZ

Which could just be, like, walking and moving or… what if you’re skipping? What if you’re, like- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

His family says that they think he was just dancing.

KYLE GETZ

Or dancing. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But the family also says that he would wear a ski mask from time to time because he had a blood circulation disorder that caused him to chill easily. He would get cold easy, so he would do that. So, the police report says that he “resisted when confronted by police officers.” One of the officers shouted “He’s going for your gun,” so they slammed him into a wall and then they wrestled him to the ground and handcuffed him. Then they did a- what’s called a “carotid hold”, where they tried to choke him out, because he was “resisting arrest.”

KYLE GETZ

Quote, unquote.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, uh, it’s… One of the officers said that he would have the police dog bite him if he didn’t settle down. Anyway, so- So- There’s a whole bunch of stuff, but, uh, then, because of the protocol involved, they called the paramedics. And they said to the paramedics that he was “acting crazy” and that he was “definitely on something” because he had “incredible, crazy strengths” when they tried to restrain him. And, uh, so the paramedics showed up and injected him with 500 milligrams of ketamine.

KYLE GETZ

Jesus.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which, apparently, is how they roll in Colorado, and is not the only jurisdiction in the country where, like, you might have an encounter with police and get fucking injected with ketamine.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s wild that you can use that in that situation.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Without consent, without- Like, just… The police said “Yeah, he’s a crazy person, calm him down,” and that’s the paramedics’ go-to.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, also, the medic at the scene estimated that McClain weighed 220 lbs. and that was why they gave him 500 mg of ketamine. Uh, dude was 5’6”, only weighed 140.

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, should not have received more than about 320 mg of ketamine.

KYLE GETZ

I mean, if any.

MIKE JOHNSON

If any. There’s a neuroscientist named Carl Hart, who’s the chair of Columbia University’s psych department, he said, quote, “Why anyone would be giving [anyone] ketamine in that circumstance is beyond me.” “The major problem here is we should never be ordering any medication, and no one should be taking or given it against their will.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

About seven minutes after he received the ketamine he had no pulse in the ambulance, went into cardiac arrest, he was revived but was later declared brain dead, and was taken off of life support less than a week later. So- But this idea that, like, a- you can have a contact with police and be deemed “out of control” and they inject ketamine into your system to, like, put a stop to it, especially when it’s not exactly a safe drug, that people, especially with cardiac conditions, can react to…

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. And if you can- Like, if someone lets- Police I’m not gonna give any benefit of the doubt, they don’t deserve it, they haven’t earned that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

A paramedic, if they just – benefit of the doubt – completely misjudged… Like, if you can be that off by just eyeballing someone, that-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You don’t want to be in like “Oh, I eyeballed this person and I accidentally was off by 200 milligrams.” Like, that’s- You shouldn’t be able- Like, a mistake shouldn’t be able to be that catastrophic in this situation.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Absolutely. I totally agree. And, you know, how much of that was amped up by, like, you know, three big white police offi- I don’t know, I assume they’re white.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

That was an assumption.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Eh. Good one.

MIKE JOHNSON

But three police officers are telling you, like, “Yeah, this guy’s crazy strong. He’s out of control.” Like, do you kind of, like- Does your mental math then- Like, are you biased by that report and so you, like, you know, kick it up a notch?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. And, I mean, in general, black kids are seen as older, as more threatening as more violent, just by the way they look, not by doing anything else there. It’s like the adultification of young, black- especially young, black, boys. Like, I could see that, just by the virtue of him being black, people assume he might be bigger, stronger, fighting back, when none of that is actually true.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Now- I looked, and I looked, and I looked, and nobody said Elijah – he went by Eli – nobody said Eli was gay. But he was definitely queer in that, like, an interesting dude kind of way. And I don’t- I don’t know, he seemed- He seemed kinda gay, to me.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Why?

MIKE JOHNSON

First, he’s really handsome, which is great. Like, that means you’re gay- or, in my opinion. But, as a teenager he taught himself guitar and violin, graduated with a technical degree from a college in Denver, got a job as a massage therapist, he was a vegetarian and known as a pacifist… his sister said, quote, “He was a really good person. He didn’t argue with anybody. If you tried to argue with him, he would just say ‘I love you’ and walk away.” His colleagues at Massage Envy, where he worked as a therapist, said that he always followed the model- or, he followed the motto “always with gratitude.” He would draw pictures for colleagues, perform headstands in the corridors, would wear barefoot running-style toe shoes so that he could feel closer to the ground, he would regularly sing or dance for colleagues or for clients, and he also took regular trips to a local pet store where he would play the violin for kittens who didn’t have homes.

KYLE GETZ

Aww, that’s adorable.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, his ear piercings, just his general- Like, his vibe… I- I don’t know. He seems pretty gay.

KYLE GETZ  

But isn’t that, like, literally what we talk about doing the opposite of? Like, you just described a bunch of stereotypes that- none of which say he’s actually gay.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s true.

KYLE GETZ

Is it- Is it because those are less masculine things, that make you assume he might be gay?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, for sure.

KYLE GETZ

Eh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, the segment about- The segment that I wanted to bring was just all of the different ways that ketamine can be used. Apparently “injected against your will by paramedics who got called there by cops that were freaking out” is on the list.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which… that seems so fucked up.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So fucked up.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. That’s- I had no idea that they could even do that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

Eugh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Well, another use…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

Let’s turn it around.

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s turn it around.

KYLE GETZ

Another use is, uh, for treatment for depression. And what I used in my- Previous, I mentioned the Rolling Stones, but now the credit. Rolling Stones article by Delilah Friedlander which came out this year, 2013- 2023.

MIKE JOHNSON

2023.

KYLE GETZ

Um, I used my clinic that I went to, because they offer both the brain magnets that I got and ketamine treatments. So I use their info, and Wikipedia, to tell you a little bit more about this as a device for treatment. It seems like a- Especially for people with major depression, it seems like a very promising option and that’s one of the things I mentioned up front, that there’s good to it as well because, for people with major depression, oftentimes, if you’ve been get to the point of going to therapy or taking medication, we have a lot of stigma around those things. But if those things don’t work, some- I didn’t know that there are lots of other options available. I didn’t know about TMS, which is the brain magnets, what I lovingly call “brain magnets”, which is the option that I did. That was one of the many options that I didn’t know were available to continue treating. And so, just knowing there are additional options past- You know, especially people with medication-resistant depression, like me, like, to know that there are more things beyond that, that isn’t the last kind of option to help, is very comforting. Or- I don’t know. At least you know you can keep trying.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And it’s fairly new, right?

KYLE GETZ

And it’s new.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, all of that was new. I went through this with someone in my life, not too long back and, at that time, it was ECT, electroconvulsive therapy, or TMS, transcranial magnetic stimulation. So it was either seizures or brain magnets, were the two things for treatment-resistant depression. And uh, ketamine was not yet an option, not on the list. And I guess psilocybin mushrooms is also on the list now, of, like, now there might be four options.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, that one- At least at the clinic I- It is not an option there. I know they’re testing it in Portland, they’ve got some studies going and there’s potential for there to be additional testing going on, so- So, right now actually, ketamine is ahead of psilocybin in- at least in this one clinic.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And so that’s part of what I want to say, is, like, I’m gonna give some specifics about treatments and this is very specific to one treatment. So I’m not promising that this is everything, I just want to give examples of what a ketamine treatment could look like.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, for sure.

KYLE GETZ

So there’re- From this Rolling Stones article, the author said, quote, “Many associate ketamine with escapism, and the drug is classified as a ‘dissociative.’ Yet while K distances me from my feelings, often what follows the high is a re-association: I return to sobriety with the dots of my mind and body connected differently, helping me adapt to an ever-changing world.” And I thought that was a good personal account of what is the value of this. That’s what I felt on shrooms. Like, there- After, like- After having done that I had realizations that I could not have gotten without them.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, one 2018 paper said that ketamine was, quote, “arguably the greatest breakthrough in the field of depression in over 60 years.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Whoa, that’s a…

KYLE GETZ

That’s a bold statement.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s a bold statement.

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. So, three options that I will go through, one is IV ketamine. This is where, compared to the others, you tend to receive a larger, non-psychedelic dose of the drug intravenously under clinical supervision. And, in the Rolling Stones article, they said “often while reclined in cushy chairs, listening to curated playlists”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Aw!

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

I wonder what goes on the playlist.

KYLE GETZ

I wonder what goes on the playlist.

MIKE JOHNSON

Would they ask me “Do you want Taylor Swift on there?”

KYLE GETZ

In which case…

MIKE JOHNSON

And I have to figure out: do I?

KYLE GETZ  

Do- Do you want, maybe- If you could dissociate a little bit and kinda reconnect the dots, maybe you would finally get it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Maybe.

KYLE GETZ

Maybe the dots would connect and you’d be like Taylor Swift.

MIKE JOHNSON

One treatment away from being Swiftie, who knew?

KYLE GETZ

Artist of a generation, [Mike laughs] I didn’t know it until this moment. Maybe they’d put Britney on there for me.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And it’d be like [in a wobbly voice] “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” [Mike chuckles] Um, anyway, they do- They do all of this to relieve symptoms of depression. Effects are experienced right away. And that was a common thing that I saw even in the recreational use of, the effects tend to be experienced right away, which is very different than other drugs or treatment options.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Even with TMS it took weeks to start to feel- of daily appointments to start to feel the effects.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Like, when I went on Lexapro a million years ago it was like 6, 8, 10 weeks to feel better.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Jesus.

KYLE GETZ

Some medication takes time to build up. Yep, yep. So, research has shown that treatment- that a treatment course of IV ketamin- ketamine could be up to 70% effective in alleviating depression symptoms, including the reduction of suicidal ideation. What that might look like, the clinic that I went to, they do 60 minute sessions two times a week for six treatments, followed by maintenance treatment if you have good results. So, they kind of figure out first does it work for you and, if so, then come up with a plan. The results tend to last seven to 10 days, although for, it said, “a significant minority”, the improvement may last for 30 days and longer. So, you know, there’s a kind of a window of effects. And, for some people, it could last longer than a week or longer than a month.

MIKE JOHNSON

Huh.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, unfortunately, insurance does not cover IV ketamine treatment. Again, that’s a generality, I would presume most of these newer things…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I mean, insurance doesn’t want to fuckin’ cover anything, so-

KYLE GETZ  

Right, yeah. [Mike chuckles] If they have any excuse not to, yeah. The second one is ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, that’s taking a smaller amount by either lozenge or nasal spray and then- What?

MIKE JOHNSON

Nasal spray?

KYLE GETZ

I mean, ‘cause, like, you’re not gonna, like, “Oh, here, do a line of ketamine,” you know? [Mike laughs] Like, you gotta do it another way that’s more, like, medicinal, so nasal spray is the other.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I just- I never considered, like, you know, hav- Like-

KYLE GETZ  

Can you imagine your therapist just, like, getting together- [Mike laughs] getting her credit card out and just like making you a little line, giving you a straw? Like, “Alright, sniff up.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, on a harm-reduction thing it mentioned not sharing, like if you use something like a straw to, like, do a bump of it, like, not sharing that. Which, I didn’t know that.

MIKE JOHNSON

I didn’t know either.

KYLE GETZ

I didn’t know not to share. Whoops. So, ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. Uh, so what- You take it and then you engage in talk therapy, which helps rewrite thought patterns while your mind is more receptive.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. Mhm, mhm, mhm.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, it creates a dissociative experience then that can help patients access emotional and psychological material that otherwise would be challenging to discuss during therapy. And it helps you get new insights on your depression while talking to a therapist. The plan at the clinic that I go to propose a series of preparatory sessions then a series of two hour medicine-assisted therapy sessions in the clinic, each followed in the days after by a one hour integration session. Uh, and they recommended an initial course might look like five to eight sessions.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Wow, okay, an “integration session”.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, it’s like after- So, like, after you’ve had the experience and to kind of help process it. I think it’s- I think, recreationally, it can do similar things, but the value of having- This is why that recommendation was to have a person there. Like, if someone can help actually, like, “Let’s talk about this and process this,” just like with anything in life, it helps to have a professional help you do that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And it’s also- Like, you’re dosing responsibly, you know, with kind of safeguards in place or whatever.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And, actually, safeguards in place I mention- When I- I don’t know if it changed, it’s been a while since I’ve talked to them about this option. The requirement though would have been for me to go get the nasal spray myself, and have that on hand, and bring that to my therapy sessions. They weren’t allowed to do it for you, and I didn’t like that risk of, like, “Let’s have ketamine sitting around.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So that’s one of the reasons I didn’t pursue that anymore. The IV… eh, no that’s too- I don’t have good enough insurance to pursue the IV. Like, some of these, unfortunately, are cost-prohibitive, which sucks when you’re depressed, to, like, have that be another thing to-

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And, like, the other one, insurance generally does not cover ketamine-assisted psychotherapy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hm.

KYLE GETZ

The last- Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hm! I’d hang on to it for you, if you wanted me to.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, that’s a good idea.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great, continue on. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Oh. No, I’ll have to- I’ll have to think about that and figure out if that’s a- would be a workaround.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ  

There’s also esketamine, which is- there’s the brand name-

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s the Italian version. [laughing]

KYLE GETZ  

[doing an Italian accent] Esketamine-a! Aye, ma mia! [speaking normally] Um, the brand name is “Spravato”. At first I thought that was a tennis player. No, Spravato. Um, Sparatova. It is not ketamine, it is chemically related to ketamine and administered as a nasal spray. So, even though it’s not ketamine, it falls into this kind of category. It’s a new antidepressant. Unlike- Again, unlike other antidepressants, most people feel better after the first or second treatment. It works in 50 to 70% of patients with treatment-resistant depression.

MIKE JOHNSON

Whew!

KYLE GETZ

And it is the first FDA approved therapy to work for treatment resistant-depression with almost immediate effect.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, wow.

KYLE GETZ

So those are just some of the options that are out there, some of the uses for- and promising uses for treatment-resistant depression.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Wow… We live in the future, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

But we also live in the, like, in the stone ages because, like, there are these options that then either insurance won’t cover or they- We still have to, like, convince people to let us test, like, you know, psilocybin. Like, it’s- It sucks that it’s like…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, and in this country, there’s the whole, like, largely Christian horseshit of, like, “Mental health isn’t a thing.”

KYLE GETZ  

Right? Yep

MIKE JOHNSON

Like “Just do better.”

KYLE GETZ

Yes, and our, like, kind of abstinence view of drugs in general. So, like, it’s harder to get something like this approved to be tested.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, it’s just- Yeah. It’s- Yeah. It’s advanced and feels, like, behind the times at the same time.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I get that. Yeah, for sure. [someone briefly blows a raspberry] Alright, well, I’m gonna talk you about Azealia Banks.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. [both chuckle] Whenever anyone brings up Azealia Banks it’s like “What did she say this time?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Is that true? I-

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I don’t really follow her.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So I don’t know that much about her. So-

KYLE GETZ  

The song “212” is one of the best songs maybe ever in the world. Um, uh, that’s hers. I don’t know any of her other music, but yeah, she’s known for saying bullshit and she’s always just caught in these- Like, she says shit and then gets in trouble, or gets in feuds, or whatever.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, um… yeah, apparently she got in trouble with Swedish people once.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Like, literally there’s probably a li- You could list the people she hasn’t gotten in trouble with, and that would be shorter.

MIKE JOHNSON  

She made fun of the potato famine and pissed off the Irish… she, like- It just- Anyway, it’s really, really, really interesting to me. I don’t know anything about her at all. But, uh, she is bi. She’s bisexual. And she told the New York Times in an interview, she said, quote, “I’m not trying to be, like, the bisexual, lesbian rapper. I don’t live on other people’s terms.” Anyway, so she posted to her Facebook page a picture of herself with what appeared to be blood running down her face and head, and then people freaked out about that, and were making fun of the picture, and making fun of her choice to post that online. Which, they- She then came back and she said that the picture was of a religious practice, that she worships the goddess Yemayá. There’s an emphasis- There’s a tick mark over the last “a”, so it’s- I would say “Yemaya” [like “yuhm-EYE-uh”] but, because it’s on the end, like, it might be “Yemayá”. [like “yuhm-eye-AAH”] Anyway, the patron spirit of motherhood and rivers, of the Yoruba religion. So yeah, she was claiming “This is just my religion, you’re making fun of my religion. You’re, like- You’re being terrible people.” And I don’t understand how she made the leap from that to posting a meme that said that gays are appropriating horse culture because they wear harnesses, use J-Lube, and do ketamine [Kyle chuckles] because that’s a that’s a veterinary thing. It’s used extensively by veterinary science to put horses out so that they can do- perform surgery on them. But yeah, she said, quote, “Mainstream gay culture in a nutshell, yet y’all have the nerve to tell ME — THE HERBAL PLANT BASED GODDESS — that I need medication for believing in my goddess. THE HILARITY,” “Don’t fuck with me bitches. We can do this culture war all day and I promise you that I will win. Goodnight.” And it’s just, like, gays are “appropriating horse culture”, “harnesses, ketamine, obstetrical lube”… that’s- That was her choice. [chuckling] That was-

KYLE GETZ  

That’s kinda funny. Oh, were people mad at her?

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It said it was queerphobic, that it was, um, uh… One person, like, did that whole “announcing their departure” thing on her social media. Quote, “Stopped following today,” “Girl if you believe in what you claim to believe you wouldn’t act this way.” Um, one fan said, quote, “Clearly you are not a gay man and are misrepresenting a subculture. As a gay man, I find this absolutely offensive. But I don’t hold hate for you, it indicates to me that you are upset and are in pain. I’m sorry you feel that way.”

KYLE GETZ  

God, I fu- Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Go ahead.

KYLE GETZ

I fucking hate this- There’s this whole new wave of, like, when responding to trolls being like “I see you’re hurting.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And I- It’s just so disingenuous. Like, I’m f- I don’t know, I just hate that, like, “I can tell you’re- from your comment that you yourself are hurting, and I hope that you learn to love yourself because I’ve learned to love myself.” Like, people post these whole diatribes to someone and I’m just like… I don’t know, barf. I just- I fucking hate it so much. [Mike laughs] It’s just- But you get to respond- If I support Azealia Banks for saying we’re appropriating horse culture, I support the person too saying that “You must be in pain,” and “Love yourself,” or whatever.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, I just-

KYLE GETZ

It’s weird that that one got more of the reaction from me than the horse one, but I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know, if a gay man had made that joke would that be different? Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s just the, um- I think it’s the deflection of it all that is most interesting.

KYLE GETZ

That’s a weird- Like, has nothing to do with this image you posted or your religion at all. Like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Like, was it mostly gays that were giving you shit about the- the religion thing? Also, I mean, the picture with blood all over her is a little disturbing, but, um, it’s not, like, jumping her shit about it. Like, if that’s her religion then go for it, right? And, um-

KYLE GETZ  

Or is it, like, trying to use gays as a s- Like, this this part I don’t like. You’re right, if that was a joke someone – especially a gay man – made, that horse th- I think that would be funny. It’s- Like, the part that I dislike is, like, “Oh, you’re coming at me? Let me throw gays under the bus.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Like, why? Yeah, you’re right, the weird dis- not connectedness of it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, well, Pink News said that the meme- they traced it back, and that it came from a gay meme Tumblr blog. So, it- We were making fun of ourselves when we put together this idea.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But then she jumped on it and- I’ll end with this. Pink News, man. Sometimes the way that they write their articles is just fucking fantastic.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah?

MIKE JOHNSON

Said “Yes, this really happened. No, she’s not horsing around here, and really did post that meme on mane,” M-A-N-E. [laughing]

KYLE GETZ  

Pink News… I can tell you’re really hurting. I can feel it from here, and just because you don’t love yourself doesn’t mean you have to lash out like that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, God, Kyle. Did we do it?

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Did we talk about ketamine?

KYLE GETZ

We did.

MIKE JOHNSON

We did.

KYLE GETZ

We did.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, a whole bunch.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, and we’re gonna talk more about-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, we’re gonna talk about K-holes and-

KYLE GETZ

K-holes and-

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna tell you why, like, Murray Bartlett is probably super into ketamine.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know who that is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah you do.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Umm… I have a couple of other things that I can tell you about.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

So yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. More ketamine in the Patreon.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Should we take a break?

KYLE GETZ  

Let’s take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s take a break.

KYLE GETZ

Break.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

I gotta be- I gotta- You’re- I’m on the edge.

MIKE JOHNSON

Of glory.

KYLE GETZ

You’re edging me for when we’re coming back.

MIKE JOHNSON

…Are we back?

KYLE GETZ

We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re back! [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first…

KYLE GETZ

But first…

MIKE JOHNSON

You motherfuckers.

KYLE GETZ

Hello, everybody.

MIKE JOHNSON

Gayishpodcast.com/live. We’re doing a live tour. We’re probably coming somewhere near you, unless you’re in the south. Houston’s the best we can do.

KYLE GETZ  

We are coming big, we’re coming hard, six times, somewhere near you. Look up where we’re going. We’d be excited to see you. Live shows are always so much fun. You’ll get a drink with it… min’s one, let’s be honest.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, and yeah, take a look at the schedule. Gayishpodcast.com/live.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, bring your Gayest & Straightest and you’ll walk away with some merch maybe, if you want to share.

KYLE GETZ

Oohh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’ll be fun.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Ummm… Also, Local Gay Bar Review.

KYLE GETZ  

Ooo. What can follow the 5 out of 5 dildo review?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Let’s find out.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re gonna talk about the balcony club in Boise, Idaho.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhhhh!

MIKE JOHNSON

And we’re gonna do it together, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

I’ve been there! Twice.

MIKE JOHNSON

You’ve been there with me, even.

KYLE GETZ

With you, when we did our live shows at Treefort.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. So, we were just in Boise for the Treefort music festival-

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and we went to The Balcony Club for Dragfort-

KYLE GETZ

Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and, um-

KYLE GETZ

Dragfort pulled talent, they did both years that we’ve been, but they pull some really great talent. They have some really great artists perform. So that, the show part, I will give overwhelmingly positive reviews.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I agree. I absolutely agree. It’s a really big space. Like, a surprising massive space with a cool, like, wraparound balcony outside.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which, when the weather is warmer, is a good place to like hang out.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Or when you’re, like, warm or have social anxiety like me, you could just go stand out there and be like “I’m probably doing something.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. And compared to big city bars it’s pretty affordable, um, if you ignore the fact that, like, the cover, if you weren’t- if you didn’t have a Treefort pass, was like super expensive.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, but, uh- But, uh, yeah. I really- I think Boise is lucky to have that space. Now, don’t know if it’s true, but uh, apparently straight people own it, and there’s a lot of feelings about that.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. So- It also was, I don’t know, pretty packed and I didn’t see a lot of, like, different kinds of people.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m inclined to give it three and a half dildos.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah! that’s great. I, uh, did not get laid, and a lot of people were there their boyfriends. So I felt a little bit of- just that night, a little bit of… You know, that’s fine. Everyone can show up with their boyfriends if they want to.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeaaah! Great. Our website is gayishpodcast.com.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] We are- We have a Facebook group, we have a Discord, we have Spaces, we’re on Instagram. You can find all of our social media info at gayishpodcast.com/contact.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.

KYLE GETZ

Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.

MIKE JOHNSON

And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.

KYLE GETZ

Uhhh, Gayest & Straightest?

MIKE JOHNSON

Gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

KYLE GETZ

I’ll go.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great, do it!

KYLE GETZ

My straightest is: I went to the Mariners game.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, you did. How was it, by the way?

KYLE GETZ  

It was- You know what? It was a lot- So, what we did, instead of going to our seats, we went to a bar that was near our seats so we could stand up. We- I, like- I always hate- I’m a large person that is too wide for most seats, so I don’t fit, so I got to, like, actually just stand up and have some room to move around. So I loved that. I went with our favorite fag stag, Doug Antkowiak, whose birthday it was.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah!

KYLE GETZ

Happy birthday, Doug.

MIKE JOHNSON

Happy Birthday, Doug.

KYLE GETZ

Um, and his wife’s birthday too. Happy birthday, Britt. But that part was fun. Hung out, drank, like that. There was a game going on… Sometimes I looked over and was like “Oh, interesting.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Did you have garlic fries?

KYLE GETZ

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

No. I’m disappointed. Go ahead.

KYLE GETZ  

I just had large drinks. [chuckles] Um, and, when- There was somethin’ real ex- Like, in the 8th inning, everyone started screaming and got really excited and someone made me give them a high five and I was like “What happened?” and everyone was, like, laughing around me because we, like, tied it up in the 8th inning or something.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

So, my gayest is: I was like “Oh, it’s the 8th inning, people are excited and they’re gonna stay. I’m gonna take this opportunity,” so I left, like, right when it got tied up and everyone was like real exci- We were losing to the Astros the whole time. Right when it got tied up I was like “Cool. I’m leaving now so I can get a bus and I will be, like, too packed with people trying to escape.” So-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Lots of people leave at the 7th inning stretch, regardless of what’s going on. [chuckles] Just like “Fuck this, I’m out.”

KYLE GETZ  

I stuck around a littl- Yeah, I stuck around. So, I at least got to be there for an exciting moment. I don’t know if they won or loss at the end of it. I didn’t- That’s also part of the gayness. I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Great.

KYLE GETZ

They probably lost. That’s how thing-

MIKE JOHNSON

Gay.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] What about you?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, the straightest thing about me this week was: I went to- There’s a bar here called “CC’s” and the first Saturday of every month is fetish night and I went early. I – like, for years I’ve been doing this – go, and not wear gear, and just, like, go early, and get a spot at the bar, and drink, and then, like-

KYLE GETZ  

Because, after a certain time, they only let people with gear in, and so you- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, but I think showing up to fetish night not in fetish gear is my straightest.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then, much to my disappointment, they were like “You have to leave,” [Kyle gasps] “If you don’t have gear, you have to leave at 8.”

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, at some point that changed. My, like, just go and enjoy, is, like- that’s not allowed no more.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, um, yeah. Anyway, so, the gayest thing about me, besides, like, wanting to throw a hissy fit when they said that I had to go… [Kyle chuckles] because, like, there’s definitely a screaming, like, queer inside of me that just wanted to, like, go off.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I didn’t, by the way.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, the gayest thing about me this week is, um- is, uh, weighing myself every day because Pride.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh no, Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

I know.

KYLE GETZ

Do we need to talk about that?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Mm, eh. We can talk about that in our Patreon bonus episode about shame.

KYLE GETZ  

Ohhh, boy. That’s- Yeah, unfortch. Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, this week we have a listener’s Gayest & Straightest, in voicemail!

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

RICHARD [voicemail]

Hi Mike and Kyle. My name is Richard, I’m from South Africa. I have spent the last 4 months catching up on 6 years of Gayish and I absolutely love its [???], the candidness you guys approach the show with, I love the humor, I love the seriousness, everything. Uh, my Gayest & Straightest for this week: my straightest is organizing a golf day for work, and my gayest is organizing a Pride Outside hike for the community that I live in. So, thank you, keep up the good work.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thank you, Richard from South Africa.

KYLE GETZ  

I love when Gayests & Straightests are mostly compliments for us. [Mike laughs] That’s my gayest: I prefer compliments over your actual- No, those were great ones. And, also, people-

MIKE JOHNSON

Golf is super straight.

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god. One of the straightest options.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And “Pride Outside”? I love the idea of Pride Outside, that makes me happy.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, that’s a really cute idea.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, plus, like- [chuckles] They’ll hear this in… another four years once they’re all caught up with, like, [both chuckle] all of our episodes So, like, at some day you’ll hear it.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s it!

KYLE GETZ

That’s it!

MIKE JOHNSON

We did an episode on ketamine, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

We did, as voted on by y’all. So thanks for voting, and join Patreon to help vote on our topics.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, do it. Thanks, Patreon?

KYLE GETZ  

Um, thank you- This is me. [clears throat] A-he-hem. Also, thank you to our Super Gap Bridgers. I’d like to thank Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañ…ez… [Mike chuckles] Wow, I don’t know what happened there. …Waddu, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York. Thank you for your support.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thank you very much for your support. That’s it! This has been Gayish. From the Chris Khachatourians studios, I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Do it.

KYLE GETZ

See you next week.

MIKE JOHNSON

Bye.

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

KYLE GETZ

[singing to the tune of “The Edge of Glory” by Lady Gaga] I’m on the edge whorey, and I’m bangin’ everyone that’s a duuuude. I’m on the edge of whorey, and I probably will bang youuu tooooo. I’m on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge. I’m on the edge of whorey and, holes? Well, I have two.

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]

Gayish: 331 Bestiality

Homophobes often include bestiality in their slippery slope arguments as to why LGBTQ people don’t deserve equal rights. Well, let’s talk about it.

In this episode: News- 3:27 || Main Topic (Bestiality)- 13:18 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:12:08

Tickets for our 6th anniversary live show mini-tour go on pre-sale starting May 1 (except NYC, which is already in pre-sale). Visit www.gayishpodcast.com/live for details and tickets. We can’t wait to see you!

Join Patreon! Available benefits include getting ad-free episodes a day early, weekly bonus segments, monthly bonus episodes, and lots more! See all the cool perks at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ  

The podcast that was recently cast as Holding Cockfield in the upcoming intercrural porn “Catch ‘er the Thigh”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] You said “cock” and I immediately thought rooster because today’s gonna be a clucksterfuck. [Kyle chuckles] I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality, and-

KYLE GETZ

And, boy, a clucksterfuck it is gonna be.

MIKE JOHNSON

Boy, yeah. Hey, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Hey, Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON  

This one’s gonna be ruff! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Can I leave yet, or do I have to do this episode with you?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, yeah, we’re gonna talk about bestiality.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re gonna talk about bestiality.

KYLE GETZ

Or “bestiality” [saying it like “best” rather than “beast”] as the British lady I listened to said a whole bunch in her podcast. But, um, yeah, we’re talking about bestiality and-

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re gonna talk about bestiality.

KYLE GETZ

-there’s good reason. It’s been- I just want to say this in the episode: it’s often connected to gay shit as, like, the slippery slope argument. So, like, this is why we’ve done topics like incest, like pedophilia. We talk about them because they are things that are thrown in our face as to why we don’t deserve rights.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So, it’s interesting. People- Someone in the past- On Twitter, someone, like, you know, that sent, like, in our DMs a MAGA flag and was like “You fuckin’ suck. You’re a pedophile,” because of… Jeffrey Epstein, and was like- because of him, and it was like “You mean that straight guy, that’s a pedophile?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Right.

KYLE GETZ

Like, “That’s a bad example.” Anyway, they- He, like, pointed out like “You talked about pedophiles,” and it was like… Yeah, we’re allowed to talk about the insults that are thrown at us. There’s danger in it, because then people can say “Look, you talked about it and that’s proof of something. I don’t know what, but-”

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, r- Okay, really, we talk about whatever the fuck we want to because it’s our fucking show.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s true. That’s true. [Mike chuckles] So, yeah, if you’re- If this offends you, fuck off. But, anyway, that’s- We’re not there yet. Don’t fuck off yet.

MIKE JOHNSON  

But first?

KYLE GETZ

But first.

MIKE JOHNSON

Here’s some feedback.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, feedback in the form of an iTunes review.

KYLE GETZ

Uh-oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

The title is “SASHA COLBY” in all caps. “Not caring about the finale and don’t even care to ask!? Haha whaaaaaaaaack We get you don’t care for dragrace but put some respect on Sasha Colby!” One star. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Damn, alright. Hey, if you’re okay with the fact that we don’t care about Drag Race, go rate, review, and rubscribe because that helps us.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Please- Please help us undo that one star review, y’all, just ‘cause… just ‘cause.

KYLE GETZ  

Speaking of “We can talk about whatever we want to our podcast…”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I guess- But then, people get to rate however they want too, so I support your one star review. It’s- This is w- I don’t feel bad about one star reviews that accurately, like, say like “Here’s a thing about your show.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And they’re like “Oh, yeah, you’re right.” And if you wanted a big Drag Race review this is not the place to get it, so you correctly assessed that we are not the people for that. So, I-

MIKE JOHNSON

Like the dude that got pissed that we shit on Cleveland! [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, I just don’t care about you, Cleveland. [Mike laughs] Anyway.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Anyway, now the news.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

MIKE JOHNSON

News the first: dickbag fuckface assholes in Montana, Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mkay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Alright. Yeah, sorry, we gotta talk about Montana again.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Two weeks in a row. Um, Montana Governor Greg Gianforte has signed into law a bill banning gender-affirming care for trans minors. So, it will take effect October the 1st and it has been called, quote, “draconian” by the Human Rights Campaign.

KYLE GETZ

Damn.

MIKE JOHNSON

But really what I want to talk about- It’s not significantly different from the, like, shitload of other states that are doing very similar things, right? Like-

KYLE GETZ

So equally horrifying, then.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, it’s- [chuckles] Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But, it is interesting that he did that despite the fact that he has a gay nonbinary son.

KYLE GETZ  

Damn!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

“Fuck you…” I guess “…my son.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. David Gianforte, who is 32 years old and is the son of Republican Montana Governor Greg Gianforte, came out as nonbinary and is lobbying his father to veto anti-LGBTQ legislation. He spoke with the Montana Free Press a few weeks ago, and he uses he/they pronouns, and came out to his family as gay in 2021. And he set up a formal meeting and read a statement that he also provided to the newspaper. Quote, “Hey Dad. Thanks for setting aside time to meet with me, it means a lot to me,” “There are a lot of important issues passing through the legislature right now. For my own sake I’ve chosen to focus primarily on transgender rights, as that would significantly directly affect a number of my friends … I would like to make the argument that these bills are immoral, unjust, and frankly a violation of human rights.” They asked him about it later, he said “I do have a family relationship with my father that I’m trying to preserve,” “I felt that the best way to go about this would be to reach out to him in a more formal manner. And he was very willing to meet with me,” but apparently not do a fuckin’ thing different. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Can you imagine, like, having your son and being like “Oh, wow, I’m gonna directly hurt my son,” and still passing something like-? That’s- Man, some people’s love is not unconditional.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And that sucks.

MIKE JOHNSON

He said, quote, “It’s bizarre to me to read the press release that my father put out,” “He talks about compassion toward children, the youth of Montana, while simultaneously taking away health care from the youth in Montana. It’s basically a contradiction in my mind.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And he publicly supported Representative Zooey Zephyr, who’s the trans woman that they ousted now from the house.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh, anyway. So, just, Montana, get your shit together!

KYLE GETZ

Fuck you.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] And like 17 other states in the last 2 weeks.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Most of the United- Fuck off, most of the United States, I guess.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, news the second. So, in the United Kingdom, there has been a push by a organization called “Turning Point UK” or “TPUK” and they have been protesting a pub called “Honor Oak Pub” who has been hosting family-friendly drag events. So, they’ve been going and protesting trying to prevent people from going to these drag shows. Turns out that TPUK is actually an offshoot of an American far-right group. So we’re exporting this bullshit, apparently.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Sorry, everybody.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, at their latest attempt here just yesterday – so, over the weekend – apparently counter-protesters showed up and they outnumbered the protesters and drowned out all of their chanting with George Michael songs.

KYLE GETZ  

[both laugh] I love- That’s beautiful.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. It’s in- This is in southeast London in a, uh, I think neighborhood, called “Lewisham”. Um, which I hope that I pronounced right, because seems like a lot of really old British names, like-

KYLE GETZ  

We’ll get some emails that are like “It’s pronounced ‘LEWSH-a-MEE’!”

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Yeah, exactly.

KYLE GETZ

And I’m like “Thanks, wouldn’t have guessed.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. So, it’s a drag story time and brunch and the host is called “THAT GIRL” and she-

KYLE GETZ

That’s a great name.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. She put out the call and said, you know, “It has come to our attention that there are plans to protest another of our events … I would like to thank you all for your support at the previous two … we cannot do this alone … we are calling on you again to stand with us against this bigotry.” And so I guess the police kept the two groups separated from each other, and it just- I don’t- It’s literal fuckin’ Nazis, Kyle. That’s what’s happening.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, when you’re standing there and you look around and you see like a Nazi symbol, you’re in the wrong spot. It doesn’t matter where you are, get- Leave. You’re not- That’s the wrong place to be. You’re on the wrong literal side of, [chuckles] like- You got- Get the fuck out of there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Literal Nazis are agreeing with you, get out. And it’s- I think- I’ve seen so many times that the counter-protesters outnumber the protesters. This is such a vocal minority, and it sucks that they’re the ones that are controlling… uh, our, like, government and like the conversation in the country. It is a minority.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

It is a minority of people. This is not everyone who wants this. This is not even- #NotAllRepublicans. It’s not all Republicans that want this.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Polls are consistently showing, at least in this country, that over half of the US is pissed about all of this anti-trans horseshit, so.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, 57% was the latest one that I saw, I think was USA Today.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, but yeah. Yeah. Sorry, UK, for us giving you our horseshit. Although, to be fair, y’all have JK Rowling so, like, maybe- Maybe- You know.

KYLE GETZ  

They exported some shit our way too, you know? Like, [chuckles] take a little give a little.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, it’s a little… tits for tats, I guess. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, okay, news the last. So, Bernie Wagenblast, who is the voice that you hear on New York subways…

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

…has come out as a trans woman.

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Yeah. So, Bernie Wagenblast began living full-time as a woman at the start of 2023, took to social media to make the announcement.

KYLE GETZ  

Vaccines, man. They’ll do that to you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [chuckles] Right. Oh my god. Uh, she had known since childhood that her true gender was not the one she was assigned at birth. On the WNYC podcast “Death, Sex & Money”, Wagenblast, who’s now 66, said she recalled first feeling like a girl at age 4. Quote, “I remember clearly being at my grandmother’s house, sitting in front of her vanity, putting on some of her necklaces, and I think she had powder at her vanity and putting that on my face,” “It felt good. It felt natural. It felt like, why can’t I do this?” “I’m not sure when I first came across the impression that this wasn’t OK, but I think fairly soon I realized that this was not OK.” She was on a podcast, it was WNYC’s podcast “Death, Sex & Money”, and I have a clip of her from that podcast where she sort of makes fun of herself and the voice that she recorded that’s now ubiquitous in New York City.

BERNIE WAGENBLAST [voice clip]

It’s a computer putting together all these little words and phrases that I recorded, and trying to make a sentence. So, it would sound something like “The next… downtown… number one… will arrive in… one… minute.”

ANNA SALE [voice clip] [TN: “Death, Sex & Money” host]

[Anna and Bernie chuckle] I know that.

MIKE JOHNSON

I recognize that voice, 100%.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, and she said she’s decided not to change her name, which is something that trans people do sometimes. She said, Bernie Wagenblast, “I prefer to be called ‘Bernie’, and that that still fits my gender. ‘Bernie’ can be short for ‘Bernadette’.”

KYLE GETZ

Oh! I love that.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

I- Also, it’s really important to see people of all ages coming out as trans or just being trans, because so many people say it’s like “Oh, this is a Tumblr generation. This is a Gen Z thing. This is-” because- Like, no, it’s not. People of all ages are trans.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

You just don’t know about them. And, there are not more left handed people. Like, it’s just- When we start to be more open about identities, and people learn more about them, and people feel more comfortable coming out, then that’s what happens.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I really just sort of love the idea that the proud boys wouldn’t ride the subway anymore because it’s a trans voice or something. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, I feel like trans people are wriggling their little fingers all over. You know, we got Bud Light. Like, there’s so many things. It’s just, like… just have a lil finger in everything and, pretty much, they won’t be allowed- they won’t be able to be in the country because too much of it will be trans.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. Mhm. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Let’s trans the water! [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s trans- We’re dumping some glitter into Hudson Bay. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Dumpin’ glitter, trans the water, and then you can’t live here. You gotta move.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, right. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

That’s the ideal.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, that’s the news.

KYLE GETZ

Wow, that was like an official- You’ve never done that before, Mike. [Mike laughs] Why did that sound like an official thing we always do? Um, speaking of drinkin’ the water, these people have been drinking our Kool Aid, our new Patreon members. Thank you to… Eliman? or Eli-man?

MIKE JOHNSON

Eli-man!

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

L-M-N-O?

KYLE GETZ

No. L-M-N-NO. [both chuckle] Um, uh… Stefan Wickli.

MIKE JOHNSON

Stefan?

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s not “Stephen”? [saying the “ph” like an f] “Stephen”?

KYLE GETZ

Mike, okay, I know I read some things wrong but I do know the word “Stephen”. [chuckles] I do- I’ve read that- I’ve read that name a couple times in my life. Um, and Nathan Olsen. Nailed it. Nailed Nathan. So if you want to join Patreon you can go to patreon.com/gayishpodcast to get bonus content, episodes, and lots of- get episodes a day early, ad-free. It’s great. You should do it. You’ll love it.

MIKE JOHNSON

You’ll love it.

MIKE JOHNSON

[Kyle sighs] [laughs] You wanna talk about bestiality, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ

I’m so excited, Mike. Okay, okay, why are we talk- You were the one that suggested this topic.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

I think it’s good, I like and support it, but why did you suggest this? Why- Why this? Why now? Why us?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, wh- And now, why now? I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know either. You didn’t have to answer any of this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sometimes we have a production meeting and I’m like “Fuck it. This is the mood I’m in right now, everybody. Enjoy.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, no, I mean- I think, at the end of the day, there is this, like, cluster of shit that dickbag fuckface assholes always mention in a row like they’re somehow related: homosexuality, pedophilia, bestiality.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

They’re like a package deal, and we’ve covered a lot of gay stuff, and we did an episode about pedophilia, and I thought “Well, you know, we got an unholy trinity.” [Kyle chuckles] Like, we need to complete the- [chuckles] complete the circuit or whatever-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-so that our Triforces can combine and we can rise up into the sky and… slay the dragon. I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ  

I am gay Captain Planet. [Mike laughs] When your jewelry spits out rainbow lights- Sorry, Captain Planet was already gay. I just- That just clicked for me.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Gay Captain Planet is Captain Planet.

MIKE JOHNSON

Especially- Especially the green one.

KYLE GETZ

Espec- [both chuckle] Oh, one of them is animals, is heart. Remember, he could talk to animals?

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

This is our heart episode. [both chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

It really is our heart episode.

KYLE GETZ

Yes. Okay. And I actually have examples of what you’re talking about. I’m pretty sure I did this in other, similar episodes of- Some of us- Sometimes when I think about this, like “Oh, connecting bestiality and gay shit? Like, that’s old news.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, “People don’t do that anymore,” and, [makes a buzzer sound] wrong.

MIKE JOHNSON

They do. All the time.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. And, I have just a few examples that I wanted to share with you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Mhm. Did you just make a goose sound?

KYLE GETZ  

[makes a buzzer (or maybe goose) sound] [both laugh] Yeah. I say- I disagree with bestiality except geese.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Yeah. Oh.

KYLE GETZ

They’re so pretty.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

[makes a goose sound]

MIKE JOHNSON

Geese are assholes, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

I know, I fucking hate them. Never mind. [Mike chuckles] Um, the geese lovers are gonna send me an email to be like “Mmm, geese aren’t assholes, you’re just not petting it right,” and I’m like “I’ll pet geese however I want.” …Ben Carson.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, God!

KYLE GETZ

Remember? [chuckles] Uh, 2016 Republican presidential candidate.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Not dead. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Not dead. Loves Pokémon or something.

MIKE JOHNSON

Really?

KYLE GETZ

Or mentioned- There was something in the news about Pokémon, I forget.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s interesting. No, it was-

KYLE GETZ

Are you looking it up? Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

No, it was Herman Cain that died, and then everybody thought [chuckles] Ben Carson was dead because, apparently, all black assholes are the same.

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t remember that. Whoops! [Mike chuckles] Okay, in- Anyway, in 2013- There’s a quote on Fox Nation and I’m gonna read it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Well, my thoughts are that marriage is between a man and a woman.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

“It’s a-” Right. We’re already in it. “It’s a well-established, fundamental pillar of society and no group, be they gays, be they NAMBLA, be they people who believe in bestiality. It doesn’t matter what they are. They don’t get to change the definition.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Exactly like you said, it appears in a row, always with this kind of slippery slope argument.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Also, I know NAMBLA is a thing, and sometimes I wonder- If I were going to invent an organization to help push a narrative, it would be them. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Why? Oh- Oh, like, the right would crea- They’ve done this. They’ve created- They’ve started- Like, there was a bigger push at one point but, like, on 4chan people said, like, “Put P – as in “pedophile” – in “LGBT”, like, “P”, or whatever, and pretend like it’s part of the community,” when it’s really not.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, they do these misinformation or disinformation campaigns to potentially try to connect them.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And it work sometimes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, like, these words have- These words matter. People hear this and then- So, part of the reason I included this one is because he tried to clarify, and I’m gonna read you this- He clarifi- Like, there was all the different clarifications he tried to do on different news sources but I’m gonna read you the one he did on New York Magazine. “I wasn’t equating those things, I don’t think they’re equal. Just, you know, if you ask me for apple and I give you an orange you would say, well that’s not an orange. And then I say, that’s a banana, that’s not an apple either. And there’s a peach, that’s not an apple, either.” [laughs] [Mike chuckles] “But…” [laughs] Where are we, Ben Carson? What are we doing? “But it doesn’t mean that I’m equating the banana and the orange and the peach. And in the same way I’m not equating those things. My point was that once we start changing the definitions, then where do we stop?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Like, so not only did you make us a delicious fruit salad…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

…we- you stuck with “Where does it stop?” which is the original issue, which is the point.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That word salad was delicious. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

I would love a orange, peach, banana, apple, little fruits mixture. So now I’m hungry and angry… The Kyle Getz Story.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, another person: Lynn Hutchings, a member of the Wyoming State Senate, representing Cheyenne.

MIKE JOHNSON

This is gonna be a good one.

KYLE GETZ

Um, In 2019 a high school Gay-Straight Alliance went to Cheyenne, the capital.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

They were asking people- They were talking about a bill that would help ban workplace discrimination against LGBTQ people. So, back in 2019, that was making the rounds and they were asking people to support it. So, they ran into her apparently and they asked her to support it and, in the conversation – she denies this, but, allegedly – said “If my sexual orientation was to have sex with all of the men in there and I had sex with all of the women in there and then they brought their children and I had sex with all of them and then brought their dogs in and I had sex with them, [would] I be protected for my sexual orientation?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Good lord.

KYLE GETZ

You’re talking to fucking high schoolers! Like, Jesus Christ! I get, as adults, sometimes Trump says shit and you’re like “Holy shit,” but, like, you’re talking to high schoolers! And that’s your- Anyway- Again, she said she- And then, best part, she attempted to fist bump the students before leaving.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh my god. Well, okay.

KYLE GETZ

“Later, bro!” like, walk off.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Again, she denies she said that.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then she totally blew a cat in the alley before she went home. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Right, because apparently that’s what she’s having sex with: men, and women, and dogs, and children I guess. I don’t know what s- Anyway, that bill, House Bill 230, the sponsor: Dan Zwonitzer.

MIKE JOHNSON

Aw!

KYLE GETZ

We know that bitch.

MIKE JOHNSON

We know that bitch!

KYLE GETZ

I only know that because I actually looked it up on their, like, on the website to see like whatever happened to that bill. It said “H Did Not Consider in CoW”, Committee of the Whole. So my guess is it did not proceed to get voted on or anything.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well…

KYLE GETZ

Um, no surprise.

MIKE JOHNSON

Thanks- Thanks, Representative Zwonitzer.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. The last one: in January 2023, which is the present year we’re in-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, that’s now.

KYLE GETZ

-if you’re listen to this later, in Florida at the Florida Atlantic University-

MIKE JOHNSON

Gonna be great.

KYLE GETZ

-Interim Provost Michele Hawkins was having a conversation during a faculty meeting where they were- One of the discussion points was the university was collecting info to provide to Florida Republicans. They had requested information about DEI initiatives-

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

-because-

MIKE JOHNSON

Because we gotta have a list of them so we can shut them down. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

To make- Yes. Because they had legislation that was prohibiting spending funds on DEI, CRT, other – they called them “discriminatory” – initiatives.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, sure. [blows a raspberry]

KYLE GETZ

And, you know, they were talking about, like, “Well, you know, why are you complying? This list kind of highlights black and LGBTQ faculty members unnecessarily?” So Hawkins, the interim provost – at least at the time, I don’t know – said “We did not do that. We did not know what color—if they were purple, if they had sex with animals. I mean, we had no, no idea of what we were doing. We did not put anyone under the bus.” And then the person that was having this conversation or in conversation, whatever, during this faculty meeting said, “Please don’t equate being LGBT with having sex with animals,” and Hawkins said “Oh, are you kidding, Allan?” and this person said “No, I am not kidding.” Later, their conversation continued a little bit where this person tried to, like, steer the conversation back to, like, the black and LGBT employees that they were worried about and Hawkins said “I doubt that they do have sex with animals. I don’t know, not many people do.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] He’s incorrect.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, Michele Hawkins. She is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, “she”.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

She’s incorrect, lots of people have sex with animals.

KYLE GETZ

Will we get to that?

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re gonna get to that.

KYLE GETZ

[both chuckle] Oh boy. Anyway, so- And this was actually- The person that was having this conversation-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

As awful and fucking terrible as that whole thing is, and she’s clearly like doing the thing, I just can’t get over saying that she was going to “put them” under a bus. You don’t place someone under a bus, you throw them under a bus.

KYLE GETZ  

As I was reading that I was like “That’s very weird.” Yeah, like, [Mike chuckles] “I will gingerly place you under the bus,” and then we… wave the bus on or something. [Mike laughs] I don’t- No. You throw them. I mean, don’t. But don’t do that. Anyway, yes. And so the person that had this conversation, that was- that called her out during it to be like “Don’t do that,” also said, later, he doesn’t think her intent was to do this and he thinks this is one of those, like- He was like “I think this is a moment where you get to teach someone, like, here’s how you’re-” So I won’t say that- Unlike Ben Carson, I won’t, like, just universally shit on her for-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know how she actually feels. Hopefully she learned and understood that, like, that joke isn’t funny. And, like, even going to, like, the “purple” like thing for like race…

MIKE JOHNSON

I was just gonna say that. Why do people, when they’re trying to say how not racist they are, suddenly call people fuckin’ purple? Or- [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

It’s like “No, I don’t care if you’re…” and then you just have to list colors because, like, all of a sudden you don’t care if they’re green! Which is, like- That was- We’re not- I don’t know, that is very much like a “I’m not racist but…” kind of thing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And if you run into a green person, take them to the hospital.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] They have jaundice.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, that purple person can’t breathe. [both chuckle] You should do the Heimlich.

KYLE GETZ  

Or… place them under a bus.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, right. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Um, so this stuff still happens to this day. This is not a old school long gone comparison. These comparisons happen today.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. They sure do. And, they happened yesterday so let’s talk about the history of bestiality!

KYLE GETZ

Oooh…

MIKE JOHNSON

God, I’m just nailing my segues today, Kyle. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

Um, where does this come from, Mike?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Alright, well, first of all, first of all, first of all… bestiality is also called “zoophilia” and it’s probably “ZO-O-O-philia”, “ZO-O-philia”.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] But, then we get confused with people that love Zooey Deschanel.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, exactly.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s so difficult.

MIKE JOHNSON

Exactly, exactly. So, I’m just- I’m gonna say “zoo” as consistently as I can. If it comes out “zo” at some point, fuckin’ deal with it and don’t @ me. I don’t care. Zoophilia, so that’s when a person experiences a sexual fixation on nonhuman animals, and I love that because people are animals. You can’t just say “into animals”, because humans are animals. That’s a fact. So-

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. And also, we generally agree when we talk about animals we are talking about nonhuman animals, so we clarified it once and you don’t have to say it now every time.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right. I won’t… except, I do think it’s important that we say that as often as possible because the Christian fuckface assholes that are using that word against our community also don’t think people are animals.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. Oh. Oh! Boy. Because we’re better than them, or something? Like “We’re not animals, we’re better.”?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. ‘Cause God said so. Right? He created all the beasts on whatever day it was and he created people later because we’re better, and newer, and different.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh! Well, if I had had this information- I’m gonna throw out my research. I didn’t know God created beasts a different day.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Who knew I just needed religion this whole time?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, you never know. [chuckle] Anyway, so the- But the thing is, “zoophilia” really is, like, a love for animals or a sexual interest in animals and is not necessarily the act of having sex with animals, and that’s where “bestiality”, when we say that, usually means some kind of sexual activity with animals.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Now, um, there is some medical research about it. And medical research suggests that some zoophiles- [said “ZO-O-philes”] zoophiles- [“ZOO-philes”] Zoophiles. I just did it. Fuck my ass, Kyle. Some zoophiles only become aroused by specific species. Some are only into horses. Some zoophiles become aroused by multiple species, which may or may not include humans, and some zoophiles are not attracted to humans at all, just aminals. As far as the history is concerned, there are prehistoric caves that have paintings of people bangin’ animals and, uh, so it’s clearly been going on for at least that long. And doesn’t seem to be much shame about it when they’re like, you know, “Here’s a picture of me spearing an ox and here’s one of me fucking it.” Like-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, I thought spearing was the fucking.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Yeah. But, like, you know, there’s no great shame or evil if you’re just, like, you know, keeping a diary for everyone to read your cave wall.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, there are some references in Hindu scriptures to religious figures that engage in symbolic sexual activity with animals. There are explicit depictions of people having sex with animals that are on the 1000s of sculptures of life events on the exterior of the temple at Khaju…raho. Khajuraho. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Are you okay? That- [Mike laughs] During that, you sounded like you [chuckles] were fading or something.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, I was trying to say it like a cat. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Kharaoraoraorao.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, but uh… So, in some Hindu traditions apparently, having sex with an animal was believed to be a human having sex with a God incarnated in the form of an animal.

KYLE GETZ  

That sounds like a rumor that, like, whatever- like cats spread. They were like “No, no, no, no, no. Definitely have sex with us.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

“We love it.”

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] No, don’t fuck your cat, everybody. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, but in some Hindu scriptures like the Bhagavata Purana and the Devi Bhagavata Purana, having sex with animals, especially cows because they sacred, leads you to hell.

KYLE GETZ  

Ohhh- Oh. That’s a weird- Okay, not that I want to defend having sex with cows but, like, that’s a weird- Not only, like, about bestiality, but that’s also about the view of sex.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, sex is ab- It’s not about- It’s a violation. Any sex is a violation, or something.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like- I don’t know. There’s- I didn’t expect- I thought you’re gonna say- I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’ve- I’m- Okay, Kyle, I know that we are on lists. [Kyle chuckles] Like, the government keeps lists on search histories and we’re for sure on all of them.

KYLE GETZ

Because of our weird shit that we look up for this show?

MIKE JOHNSON

Whatever was left… definitely filled it today. You know?

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Yep. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

I read so much about bestiality and, uh, there’s a whole thing about how, like, some people defend bestiality when it’s with bigger animals because, uh, you’re “less likely to hurt them” so that makes it okay.

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

So, like, they’re like “Go ahead and fuck cows. It’s not gonna hurt the cow. They’re huge.”

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, well, it’s like- Just like with gay men, it’s like- It’s less harm- It’s less hurtful the bigger their anus is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. [laughs] Yeah, exactly.

KYLE GETZ  

So I could see that. Like, a rat’s butt is probably real tiny.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right. Right.

KYLE GETZ  

Versus, a cow’s butt is huge. I could fit- I could fit a bunch of dicks in there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I actually see the logic, unfortu-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

We see the logic in that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yes. I- Yes.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] What are we doing?

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Okay- I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know. I don’t know. Okay, so the Western tradition, like, this is where- this is where shit, like, gets real. So, bestiality was mentioned in the Book of Leviticus, and it was mentioned in the Book of Leviticus right next to the gay stuff, right? So, it’s “Man do not lay with man,” is right next to “Do not lay with beasts,” so there is, at least by proximity, a certain amount of familiarity [both chuckles] between the two concepts in the Bible. But they didn’t- They weren’t equated. They weren’t, like- They weren’t hooked together as being like the same kind of sin or, like, even like weighed against each other. They just were near each other in Leviticus. And for most of the early Christian Era, bestiality was basically no worse than masturbation. It got a little worse over time, but not by much. So, do you know what a penitential is?

KYLE GETZ

Mm-mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

A penitential?

KYLE GETZ  

When I’m about to fuck a Pentecostal person?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

They’re my penitential?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Exactly.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Also, [Kyle chuckles] it’s the name of a of a book that clergy would write to sort of provide guidelines for what the punishment should be for different kinds of sins.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, like, you would go and you would confess and, at the confession then, you know, the priest would say “Hey, you know, you did this- these bad things so here’s your punishment for these crimes.”

KYLE GETZ  

Hail Marys, for some reason, is in my mind of what people say at confessionals. Like, always do- Like, apparently if you do 10 Hail Marys you’re mostly forgiven for anything.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah, there’s, like, praying the rosary, and Hail Marys, and shit like that, but it could get more, like fasting, or self-exile, or other kinds of ascetic treatments like needing to whip yourself or- Like, there’s a whole bunch of different ways that it can take but the most common one, especially in media is – right – like the Hail Mary. Anyway, the Penitential of Cummean, which is super, super old, that’s like… fourth century?

KYLE GETZ

Mm. Before I was born.

Anyway- Yeah. Same, girl. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, says- So, dude-on-dude sex is 7 years of penance.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which is more than banging your own mom, which is only 3 years, unpremeditated murder, which is only 3 years, and bestiality was only 1 year. So, at least at that time-

KYLE GETZ

Woowww.

MIKE JOHNSON

-in the, like, hierarchy of shit, bestiality was like way down the list in terms of badness, and also, gay shit the very top.

KYLE GETZ

And also, I’m no, like, proponent of mom fucking, but the same as murder?!

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Yeah, right. Well, unpremeditated murder. I guess premeditated murder, like, that’s the death penalty, right?

KYLE GETZ  

Still. I mean- Yeah, okay. That’s wild. Wow, being gay was very bad!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, you know, that’s- That’s what they thought.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, so then there’s another penitential, the Paenitentiale Theodori, which, you sent me a big study about that.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Thank you.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, it was- That’s 8th century. There was an Anglo-Latin penitential collection of Archbishop Theodore of Canterbury, his judgments about stuff, and that’s the first time, in writing, that bestiality and sex between men are compared. So, in it, he says that “He who often commits fornication with a man or with a beast should do penance for 10 years.”

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

So that’s- They are the same, and the penal- the punishment is 10 years.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, there’s- Usually, when people write about this, they say that the two sins were put together to dehumanize men who have sex with men but, at least according to this author that you sent me the paper from, it suggests the opposite, that bestiality was elevated to a serious sin because it was put on the same pedestal as gay shit.

KYLE GETZ  

Mm. Hm. Because the thing before that actually said it was only one year.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

And now they’re like “No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s bad.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s 10 years. They’re both 10 years, and it’s real bad. And so, basically, the association- The association wasn’t bringing gayness down, it was bringing bestiality down to the level of the gays.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So that’s- You know.

KYLE GETZ

Weird. That’s- [sighs] That reflects how poorly we viewed gay people. That, more, is like what I take away from that. That sucks.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely. Now, this- This paper that you sent me was super interesting because it also mentions that some of this is probably a cultural shift that, in England, people started thinking of animals as not just objects. They started thinking of them as having personalities and anthropomorphizing them, and so that’s when the sin of bestiality starts getting worse in the eyes of people. Because if you’re just- If it’s just masturbation, if you’re just, like- If that clucking chicken is just a Fleshjack then, you know, that’s- [chuckles] that’s not as bad as like, you know, mother hen who, like, cares about her babies. Like, you violating her, you know? [Kyle chuckles] What?

KYLE GETZ  

You just… gave me a lot of imagery that is overwhelming. [Mike laughs] I just got so overwhelmed. I shut down. I didn’t know what to do with what you just said to me.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

It’s fine. That’s- I need to get over it, because that’s gonna be this entire episode.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, the whole episode. Uh- [Kyle lets out a deep breath] So, at some point, the death penalty became the punishment for both gay sex and for bestiality and that was all the way up until 18th century in Western Europe, and colonial America by extension. So, apparently, between six and seven hundred people were executed for bestiality in 17th and 18th century Sweden. [saying it goofily] Sweden!

KYLE GETZ

[also saying it goofily] Sweden!

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, and in one bestiality in the case in the United States, in colonial Plymouth, 16 year old Thomas Grazer was forced to point out the sheep he’d had sex with from a lineup [Kyle chuckles] and then had to watch them be killed before he was executed.

KYLE GETZ  

From a- Could I- Can he- Can you pick a sheep out of a lineup? Is that sheep-racist?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m guessing it’s the ones that were smoking but- [Kyle laughs] [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Or fur is matted down because there was just the load shot on it!

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, God.

KYLE GETZ

That’s hard to get- You need some warm water and maybe some detergent to get that out of your sheep.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[sung] Goin’ to watch that cum right out of my sheep. [speaking] I don’t know, man.

KYLE GETZ

What’s that?

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know, man. Okay, so apparently some witches were accused of having sex with the devil as an animal.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, he would turn into an animal and they could- they could then, you know, bang- bang- bang the devil.

KYLE GETZ

Sure. Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

But uh, even though they were accused of that and confessed of that- Read The Crucible, y’all, some crazy witch trial bullshit happened. I guess, in some places, bestiality laws were based on the belief that sex with an animal could result in babies.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, we didn’t understand how pregnancy and sex worked so it was like-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, that seems like that’s not true.

MIKE JOHNSON

Don’t- Don’t fuck that dog, because you’re gonna have a dog baby… person.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

For sure.

KYLE GETZ  

I guess I could see, like, before we knew stuff, to be like “Oo, that’s gonna make a weird dog-human hybrid monster.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, that’s why that bestiality- that death was prescribed to both the humans and the animals.

KYLE GETZ  

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

So-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, so it couldn’t- If it got accidentally pregnant during that time.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s right. That’s right. So you had to- You had to kill them both. Let’s see… You said you had some stuff about bestiality law also-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. A little bit.

MIKE JOHNSON

-but uh, the last few things about bestiality law. Apparently, bestiality is still legal in two states. Do you want to guess which ones?

KYLE GETZ

Arkansas?

MIKE JOHNSON

Nope! [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Um, California?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Nope! [chuckles] It’s West Virginia – that checks out – and New Mexico.

KYLE GETZ  

Hm. But the reason bestiality is legal in some places is because by- when we went through the process of decriminalizing, like, sodomy and stuff, sometimes those were already like paired together, so they accidentally decriminalized bestiality as well.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

So then they had to recriminalize bestiality as a separate kind of law, and it’s state by state. So, I don’t think there’s actually a federal law that criminalizes this.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s fucking interesting.

KYLE GETZ

And- God, I’m gonna fact check that before I post that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Eh.

KYLE GETZ

Or- Or I won’t, who knows. And so it had- It’s, like, been state by state and- Am I just stealing your thunder? Do you have more?

MIKE JOHNSON

No, you’re doin’ great!

KYLE GETZ

One of the challenges that we have in criminalizing bestiality, like kind of getting it back on the books, is that how do you differentiate it from things that farmers do? Some farmers inseminate animals-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, animal husbandry.

KYLE GETZ

-or do, like, get them horny and stuff so that helps. Like, so how do you- You gotta try to find a way we can talk about that separately, of, like, what part of that- I don’t know. But, like, no one- For some reason farmers are the untouchable people that you can never make a law against. They’re “America’s backbone” or wh- I don’t know, whatever.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, like, they had to try to make laws that criminalize it but in a way that didn’t criminalize farming.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ  

Which is interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Have you ever seen, like, a bull, like-

KYLE GETZ  

Whatever you’re about to say: no. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

Wait, but what- What- Have you- What have you seen?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I said “bull” and I shouldn’t have. A cow. …Artificial insemination? You literally wear, like, a shoulder high glove.

KYLE GETZ

No- Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

And J-Lube up like your entire arm so that you can shove a vial full of semen like all the way up in there.

KYLE GETZ  

When you- Okay, when you started saying “you have to wear”, in my mind, I thought you’re gonna say like “…a white and black spotted, like, outfit” [Mike laughs] or like “a cow mask” or something. That’s where I thought you were going.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You have to do the sexy cow dance.

KYLE GETZ  

MooOoo! MooOoo! MooOooOooOoOo!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yoohoo.

KYLE GETZ

Yoohoo! Y- Moohoo!

MIKE JOHNSON

Moohoo. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Oh no. Oh, boy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. Um- [Kyle chuckles] It’s just- It’s- It’s a- It’s a lot, and if it weren’t for, like, to make baby cows happen, it would definitely be… problematic.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. Weird.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, my two, like, random things, and we can get more about it-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

In Hungary, apparently, there are no legal limitations to pornography that involve animals. So, uh, there’s a rather large industry – kind of underground but not really – that produces a number of films and magazines particularly for Dutch companies such as “Topscore” and “Book & Film International”. And, apparently, there’re even non-human porn stars like a Great Dane named “Hector” who starred in several films. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I mean-

MIKE JOHNSON

Good for you, Hector.

KYLE GETZ  

I guess so, but couldn’t we get a better porn name?

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t-

KYLE GETZ

Like, that’s not the best porn name, you know?

MIKE JOHNSON

But for a dog?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I don’t know. “Champ”? [both laugh] What do you want to name him?

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, alright.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m trying to think of one but I’m not coming up with them. My- Animal porn names are not at the tip of my brain, unfortunately.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, I would encourage you, later, if it comes into mind, just yell it out.

KYLE GETZ

Just yell? [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Uh, and then last: apparently, in Japan, they have serious censorship laws around pornography but, because of a quirk of Japanese law, if the penis isn’t a human penis it’s okay. So they use animal pornography to bypass censorship laws. So, often there will be models that perform fellatio on animals because oral penetration of a non-human penis is not in the scope of their pixilation censorship law. Um, while primarily underground, there are a number of animal pornography actresses who specialize in bestiality movies.

KYLE GETZ  

[sighs] Did you- Okay, I was- I also read a bunch of stuff about bestiality and got- found my way onto weird forums that, like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I, like, got up. It was upsetting to do this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Did you- How did you- Did you?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I, multiple times, had the, like, “I don’t want to yuck anybody’s yum,” but, like… yuck. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

You know?

KYLE GETZ  

Well that’s- Part of this conversation is like, is- We talk about yucking people’s yums when it’s, like, doing something consensual between…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…humans, is usually our discussion.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I read a bunch of forums of people who were like “I’m sure my dog is into it,” and I’m like “Oh, that is a lot to unpack.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yes, I agree. I think we should get there. I think we should go through this info and then kind of like have that conversation, because we need to.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But, um, speaking of… This actually segues. In the DSM, zoophilia is listed – in the latest version, the DSM-IV – under “other specified paraphilic disorder”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So, “paraphilia” is an experience or intense sexual arousal to atypical objects, situations, fantasies, or behaviors. So, it’s not just that it’s paraphilic, it has to be a disorder, which means- So, for it to count – for zoophilia to count in the DSM as a disorder – the interest must be recurring and intense, it must be present for at least 6 months, and it must cause marked distress or impairment in important areas of functioning. That’s what makes it the “disorder” part of this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Which is interesting because, like… why are we limiting it? Like, isn’t anything that causes- that is intense, lasts a long time, and causes distress to you- Aren’t- That could be anything.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

That can be drinking water. If I get so obsessed with drinking water, a normally good thing, and I do it all the time, and it interferes with my ability to get stuff done because I always have to be around my fridge to get water, like- I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, anything could- If it interrupts your day to day life and is intense, anything could be categorized under this.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, and there’s also the opposite – or the corollary – right? Like, just because you’re not distressed by it doesn’t mean it’s good for you, right? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Right, right. Yes. Yes. Okay, so, interestingly, there are paraphilias that are listed, and this is “other specified paraphilic disorder”. So, examples they give are: zoophilia, necrophilia, coprophilia, which is-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep, that’s eatin’ poop, everybody.

KYLE GETZ

-into scat. Um, there’s “klismaphilia” which is sexual arousal from enemas.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh!

KYLE GETZ

There’s-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, a really good poop… pretty great.

KYLE GETZ

Right?

MIKE JOHNSON

So maybe.

KYLE GETZ  

No- No, wait! Maybe what? You could see being into it?

MIKE JOHNSON

Maybe an enema would be one.

KYLE GETZ

Ohh.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Get that shit movin’.

KYLE GETZ  

Um- Yeah. Um, “urophilia” which is urination.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

The sight or thought- Like, urination. …And “telephone scatologia” which is not what it sounds like. It’s arousal for exposing unexpecting victims to sexual or obscene things over the phone.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, great.

KYLE GETZ

So, I think that’s a weird collection of examples that they have provided for this, because some I could see, like necrophilia, others like being into enemas… like, what the fuck do I care?

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, I- Again, this is, like, if it causes disorder or if it causes prolonged issues with your life. So, to me, yeah, again, that can be anything. But, like, why these examples? Some of those feel like- Okay, necrophilia, that feels like a violation. That’s a problem whether or- Yeah, like you said, like, whether or not you have an issue with this, like, that seems like a problem you gotta work on, versus like being into like urine.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, that’s so…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…common. Why would that be in the same list?

MIKE JOHNSON  

If you spend like a prohibitive amount of time doing- like, with enemas, you might just be a bottom.

KYLE GETZ  

You might be Dan Garlington. [both laugh] You might be a Dan. That’s my new stand-up bit.

MIKE JOHNSON  

But hardly seems to be- Like, nobody’s getting harmed.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right?

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Same with watersports, really, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, then why- why care? Why-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Why put that in a list of things to… be disordered? I don’t know. It’s odd.

KYLE GETZ  

I agree. I think there’s a weird- Like, gayness was in the DSM in the past and it eventually was moved to, like, “only if it causes you distress”. Like, so it seems like this is- The, like, “only if it causes distress” is the out that they add on to something that maybe might not be an issue.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Which, I think it still sucks when something is in there, because, regardless, that demonizes that even if you have- with all the proper clarifications and like “only if it harms you”, like, I think you’re still giving a negative slant to this thing and saying it’s poss- Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Like- Yeah, “Why include it at all?” is the question.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Well, maybe it’s worth talking about why, why it happens.

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, before I go into the “why it happens”, I do want to talk about this article that I found in The Independent that was “Why would anyone want to have sex with an animal?” [TN: “Why would anyone want to have sex with an animal? The psychology of bestiality”] And, uh, Dr. Anil Aggrawal published a comprehensive typology of zoophilia in the Journal of Forensic and Legal Medicine and, in that, claims that there are 10 different types of zoophile based on scientific and clinical literature. So, they are “human-animal role-players”, and those are people who never have sex with animals but become sexually aroused through wanting to have sex with humans who are pretending to be animals.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Is that furries? I-

KYLE GETZ  

That seems very different than furries. I think furries very int- Or, a lot of them, very intentionally separate this out like “I am not trying to have sex with an animal,” like “I am having sex with- in this costume.” And- Okay, we did a whole episode. It’s not even about sex for some people.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

For most people it’s not about sex at all. So I think it- I think it’s different… but there’s gotta be like a small overlap, like more than the general population because- I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

As it’s written, it’s like “sexually aroused through wanting to have sex with humans who pretend to be animals.” Like, knowing that it’s pretend is part of there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hm, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Romantic zoophiles” are those who keep animals as pets as a way to get psychosexually stimulated without actually having any kind of sexual contact with them. “Zoophilic fantasizers”, those who fantasize about having sexual intercourse with animals but never actually do. There’re “tactile zoophiles”, those who get sexual excitement from touching, stroking or fondling animals or their genitals but do not actually have sexual intercourse with animals. Uh, there are “fetishistic zoophiles”, and those are those who keep various animal parts, especially fur, that are used as erotic stimuli as a crucial part of their sexual activity, typically masturbation.

KYLE GETZ  

Why, out of all of this, is like you just find someone with a collection of fur?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Eugh, why did that gross me out more than other things?

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know. That’s like… [doing a nasally creep voice] “I kept a cool lump of your hair.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] “I have a box of cat hair and it’s hot!”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yes, I see.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, “sadistic bestials”, those who derive sexual arousal from the torturing of animals, known as “zoosadism”, but does not involve sexual intercourse with the animal. There are “opportunistic zoosexuals”, those who have normal sexual encounters but would have sexual intercourse with animals if the opportunity arose. Uh, “regular zoosexuals”, those who prefer sex with animals over sex with humans but are capable of having sex with both. They will engage in a wide range of sexual activities with animals and love animals on an emotional level. There are “homicidal bestials”, those who need to kill animals in order to have sex with them.

KYLE GETZ

Hoo, boy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Although capable of having sex with live animals, there is an insatiable desire to have sex with dead animals. And, last, “exclusive zoosexuals”, those who only have sex with animals to the exclusion of human sexual partners. I- So- I don’t know. There’s a big, wide array of different ways that somebody might be wired this way and- or why. But one thing that’s interesting that led to a bunch of research being done on is those violent ones, like homicidal bestials that I was just talking about, for sure, along with like setting things on fire and bedwetting are part of a cluster of things that occur around childhood to people who end up being serial killers or other otherwise sociopathic.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay, I read about that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And they called it “the Link” between- There’s this- There are- Like, more recently, this has been the big concern in bestiality. Like, you know, there’s moral rights, and animal rights, and that but, more recently, a concern about the relationship between animal cruelty and interpersonal violence, known as “the Link”, capital l “Link”. Sorry, Zelda-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

-this is the new Link. And-

MIKE JOHNSON

The Triforce! Why is the Triforce gonna keep coming up in this episode? [Kyle chuckles] Homosexuality, bestiality, and pedophilia. Yay!

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Yeah, we need a- Maybe we need to not connect- I don’t know. Other people already connect it. But, like, they said that studies that are done on this are done on prisoners…

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

…not the general population.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, while… Recent- Okay, I read something that said, quote, “the research suggests that individuals with interest in bestiality likely have a host of atypical sexual interests, some of which may lead to interpersonal offending or … use of problematic pornography,” end quote. The downside though is that there’s no direct scientific evidence that’s like the clear- the Link. Like, clear- Like, done – you know – done on the general population that confirms absolutely that these two things are related.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And so it may be more likely to cause this, but I don’t think we’re- I don’t think the science is totally there yet.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. Well, so there are some things that the science is there on.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

There are some medical conditions that do account for zoophilic behavior. So, if- There are sometimes cerebral tumors located in the frontal lobe, or in the limbic system, or the hypothalamus, can lead people to become zoophilic when they weren’t before they had the tumors.

KYLE GETZ

Hm! Weird.

MIKE JOHNSON

A very recent case in the journal “Romanian Neurosurgery” described the late onset of zoophilia in a 42 year old man who suddenly started engaging in zoophilic behavior following an aneurysm in the posterior cerebral artery. More specifically, he developed a sexual interest towards the hens in his garden, and his wife found him several times having sex with the hens. Unfortunately, he died a few weeks later because the aneurysm burst. Another report that was in the Annals of Pharmacotherapy highlighted the case of a 74 year old man who developed zoophilic tendencies five days after he started dopaminergic therapy for Parkinson’s disease. He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, they put them on a medication, and he immediately started having- like, bestiality was part of his life. So there’s like- It’s- There’s clearly some, like, brain chemistry things that can be true for people that are engaging this kind of behavior. Also, zoophilia has been studied as an early sign of psychosis. So, um, it’s something that people can experience right before, like in the prodrome stage, of a psychotic break. In the 1970s, there was this dude who was a sexologist named John Money. [Kyle chuckles] Yeeaaah!

KYLE GETZ

Nice.

MIKE JOHNSON

But uh, he did a study and concluded that zoophilic behaviors were transitory – or, sometimes transitory – when it occurred because of no other sexual outlet being available. So, that it was like a- like a projection.

KYLE GETZ

Almost like a situational thing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. So that leads to the bestiality- a connection to gayness, that there are lots of gays who may seek out animals as a sexual outlet because they either can’t or won’t let themselves give into their natural sexual orientation of being a homosexual. So, like “I’m just so deeply closeted and I can’t,” but, so then, like, something about that, their brain then imprints on animals.

KYLE GETZ  

Hm. That’s a dangerous kind of thing because, like, if there is some connection and if there is scientific connection, people could use that and very easily misconstrue that to say “all” when it’s actually the shame that people give gayness because, by making these connections, is part of the root issue, not the- It’s not a critique of what’s actually happening.

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

It’s a weird chicken and the egg. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. 100%. Although, I mean- Same thing with the pedophilia episode, right? Like, if it’s true, I- I don’t want to hide from that, right?

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, so- Anyway.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, yeah. But those are some of the reasons why, that apparently, you know, have something to do or might have something to do with brain chemistry or the awful horrific nature of society and making gay people closeted.

KYLE GETZ  

Some of the, like- Of the 10 types, some of them were violent and clearly bad. Like, there’s n- We don’t even have to discuss the moral implications of like killing an animal and having sex with it. But others that are more about, like- I don’t know. There’s just a variety of types. Some of this clearly can be caused by external situations. Some- Like, I read something that said- Like, some- One of the researchers believed that this was an inborn characteristic, so it could be that too.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know. Did you read anything definitive on whether-?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, and people making- Um, yes. And people making the claim that it’s the same as homosexuality, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

That, like, another- Another “They can’t help themselves,” or “It’s not a choice,” like that somehow justifies the behavior, which is something that we also saw in the Pedophilia episode.

KYLE GETZ

Right. Yes. I do believe that pedophilic people were born that way, and also we need to remember that that- just because you were born with something does not make it okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

Like, that’s not why- That’s not why gayness is okay,

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right. Yep, absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

So-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep, I agree.

KYLE GETZ  

Should I say some numbers?

MIKE JOHNSON

Say some numbers, Kyle. You have gayta?

KYLE GETZ

A little bit. There- These are the num- If you look up- Like, anyone will come across these same numbers because we have such limited data on this. So, one of the numbers I came across was from a 2021 review of 13 different papers that estimated it was prevalent in 2% of the populations, zoophilia was. That was a study by-

MIKE JOHNSON  

That seems like a lot. Like, 2% of everyone is a lot of fuckin’ people.

KYLE GETZ  

Hold on to your chickens because here comes- Um, back in the 40s and 50s, Kinsey, famous for the Kinsey scale, who did a lot of research, he was- like, had the more accurate number of gay people: account for like 10%. He- This was one of the questions, one of the things he studied, and he said men who have some form of sexual contact with an animal, across their lifespan, was at 8%.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Whew! Yeah! Get it.

KYLE GETZ  

And-

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t- [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

And he said, when looking at people that were raised on farms, it’s closer to 40-50%.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm.

KYLE GETZ

That seems- To be like almost half of people, that seems…

MIKE JOHNSON

[makes a confused sound like “I dunno”]

KYLE GETZ

Mrrr?

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Mmmoooo!

KYLE GETZ

Uh, for women, it was- I don’t know why it was separated out for preadolescents and adolescents, but 1.5 reported bestiality in preadolescents and 3.6 in adolescence. So, both 2%, seems like a big number, like a big percentage. And Kinsey, who- I don’t know if I have those numbers also. Kinsey’s numbers seem high. He was also right about some of the stuff that he said for his time.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

But something I read said that- [chuckles] I’ll read. Quote, “Considering that humanity has been aware of and legislated bestiality for over 3000 years, it is remarkable how little scientific knowledge exists on the topic.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And I think this is something that, like, we run across. There are topics like this that are just taboo to even talk about, to have our episode name this. And, like, I don’t like the idea of it being taboo to talk about because I think there- We’re not gonna get anywhere by not studying it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

We’re not gonna get anywhere by not researching it and, in fact, I think directly the opposite. It was going to directly harm our understanding and knowledge of what to do about this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

If we- If we- The more we know about it and understand it, the more we can decide “Do we need to legislate this? Are people born this way and we need to help?” Like, that would train- And, clearly, you told me other examples so it’s not just that but, you know, maybe some set is born like this and we need to help those people differently and we need to make it okay- I’d rather them talk about it than fucking do this thing in secret, like, to kill and fuck animal in secret.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Like, I’d rather make it a little bit more okay to talk about so that we can deal with the problem.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And I think that’s what a lot of people don’t want to do. They just think talking about it as bad.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, and the dehumanizing effect of it all – right? – too. Like, who wants to be the person that’s gonna help a pedophile?

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

You know?

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which is so heartless and cruel.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And, like, very non-Christian actually. UnChristian. Right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, Christians should be all over this. So, okay, are we to the point where we talk about what do we think about it? Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Or do you wanna play a game first?

KYLE GETZ

Let’s play game! That’ll be a fun- I think- I think I would- I would- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great! Kyle, you’re gonna play a game called “Bestiality or Neigh!” [both chuckle] Are you ready?

KYLE GETZ

Okay, can you tell me the rules?

MIKE JOHNSON  

The rules are: I’m gonna tell you a -philia of some kind, which is a sexual interest or act of having sex with… something, and I want you to tell me if that is bestiality or not.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay. There are various types of -philias under the bestiality umbrella?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeeep. Are you ready?

KYLE GETZ

Oh, God- I thought we were gonna have a fun lighthearted like “Remember Toucan Sam?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm. Mm.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Are you ready?

KYLE GETZ

Ye- Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Here we go! “Ornithophilia”.

KYLE GETZ

Bestiality is that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Correct, that’s sex with birds!

KYLE GETZ  

Birds- Okay, look, birds seem like the worst ones to have sex with! [Mike laughs] They’re little, they have beaks, they can fly a- They can literally fly away from you! Like, that just- Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

There’s 20 of these, so…

KYLE GETZ  

Sorry! [Mike laughs] Okay, yeah. I also don’t have to critique each animal and tell you how fuckable they are.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uhh, I- So, if you want to take a stab, if you want to guess what you think it is too, that could be maybe funny.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Dacryphilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

I’m gonna say neigh. That’s sex with Dax Shepard.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That- I’m gonna give you the point for the necrophilia- or- Necrophilia? Whew.

KYLE GETZ

Whew!

MIKE JOHNSON

Maybe that was a Freudian slip of the dead tongue. Uh, you get a point for Bestiality or Neigh. The- Like, your guess doesn’t matter. Like- Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Right, right. Well, it matters to me.

MIKE JOHNSON

But you said neigh, which is correct. That’s turned on by tears or crying.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] Okay. Uh-

KYLE GETZ  

Hey, if you’re into that hit, me up. [both chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, “hoplophilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, I’m gonna say… bestiality. I don’t- I have no i- Oh, into rabbits!

MIKE JOHNSON  

It is not. It is turned on by guns.

KYLE GETZ

Eugh. Ehh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, all of Florida.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] America.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, “lactophilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

I’m gonna say neigh. I’m gonna say that’s into, like, milk or milking.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Turned on by breast milk, that’s correct. Uh, “gerontophilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

I’m gonna say neigh. That’s into… giants.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Neigh, that’s turned on by elderly people.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, let’s see. Next, “kleptophilia”.

KYLE GETZ  

Neigh. Are you sexually excited by stealing things?

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s correct, turned on by stealing things. “Podophilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, yes? Just because I haven’t said “yes” in a bit and I don’t know what that would be. But-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, it is not. It’s being turned on by feet.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh, I should have- [sighs quickly] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Melissophilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

…Neigh. That’s being turned on by Melissa Joan Hart.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Uh, it is. It’s sex with or arousal from bees.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay, I said birds were one of the worst ones to sex with… [Mike laughs] Bees? Oh my god… they jizzed over Bee Movie.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, probably.

MIKE JOHNSON

Or they… honeyed their pants…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…or whatever. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] Uh, let’s see… “Dendrophilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, no, that’s into De… Dharma & Greg.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s- [chuckles] That’s- No, that’s turned on by trees.

KYLE GETZ

Ohohoh! Trees, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Batrachophilia”?

KYLE GETZ

Yes. You’re into bats?

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s yes, but it’s sex with or arousal from frogs.

KYLE GETZ  

Again, not the best… You know? There’s some- Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ribbit. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, “herpetophilia”?

KYLE GETZ

At least they can puff up their chest, and that’s sexy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Bold, confident. Um, no. That-

MIKE JOHNSON

Their bulgy throats?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Um, their long tongues.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

From across the room. Um, uh- No, wait. What’d you say?

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Herpetophilia”.

KYLE GETZ

No. Something about grass?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, it is. That’s sex with arousal from lizards.

KYLE GETZ

Ohh.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Brontophilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. I’m gonna say yes, because that sounds like a dinosaur.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, no, that is being turned on by thunder.

KYLE GETZ  

Ohoho!

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

Boy, that sucks. That time- You gotta work out that timing so specifically.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Yeah, you’re just like chasing the storm all the way across the plains just so you can get off.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Oh that’s what the- That’s what the movie “Twister” was about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, “delphinophilia”?

KYLE GETZ

Dolphins. Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yes. That’s sex with dolphins. Uh, “cynophilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

No. Into sinuses.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[both chuckle] That is, uh- That is yes. That’s sex with or arousal from dogs. “Forniphilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

No. I don’t know what that is.

MIKE JOHNSON

No, and it is getting turned on by using humans as furniture.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh! I’ve seen that in dom/sub videos. Yeah. [Mike chuckles] Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, “equinophilia”?

KYLE GETZ

Yes. Into horses.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yes, into horses! “Arachnophilia”?

KYLE GETZ

Yes. Into spiders?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes, into spiders.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, sorry, new worst one.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Uh, “formicophilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

No, because you’re into Formica?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, yes.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

That is sex with or arousal from insects crawling on you.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay. Eugh. Ew. Eugh! Whew.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. And, last one, “emys-” “emys-” “Emysphilia”?

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, no. It’s arousal to being skinny.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, that is- That is yes. That is sex with or arousal from turtles. [Kyle chuckles] So, out of 20, you got 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. So-

KYLE GETZ

Ugh, that means I lost.

MIKE JOHNSON

That means you lost, but-

KYLE GETZ

You know what? Losing at a bestiality game… I might be okay with that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] But I did want to talk briefly about- I don’t know how many of those are actually real. So emysphilia, I put it last on purpose because it’s apparently- it was discovered by Dr. Daniel Schechner of the University of Hawaiʻi in 1959. He dedicated a brief portion of his monograph “The Varieties of Sexual Experience” to this fetish. In the book, he mentions a native Hawaiian islander, known to the reader as “Mr. Gor”, who confesses a strong sexual attraction to creatures belonging to the order Testudines. The thing is, it was all- it was all made up. It was absolutely fake. It was totally, totally made up. There was an article on the topic, written by June Torbati in a 2007 issue of the Yale Daily News, and she provided the background to the fake paraphilia. And, apparently, “Johan Behan” [TN: actually John Behan] is the name of somebody who, on purpose, made fake Wikipedia articles that sounded as real as possible in order to try to, uh, disrupt the system. So, he said- He created many fake articles for Wikipedia, the most successful of which was the entry on turtle fucking. To ensure others would find the article believable, he had to do more than just write one entry on emysphilia. He created several others relating to the fake fetish and linked them. Quote, “It’s an art of creating a web of phoniness,” he said. Additionally, striking an academic tone was important to creating an air of legitimacy. You need to write it in a way that makes it sound like it’s something possible. If you write it like an authoritative pronouncement, it tends to work better. Anyway, so, like- It’s like that “sex with tractors” thing that took off that’s not actually real. Like, that totally is fuckin’ made up.

KYLE GETZ

Or that birds aren’t real.

MIKE JOHNSON

Birds aren’t real. Uh, there was a case in Australia of a man that supposedly died banging a crocodile. Did not happen. It’s interesting, people love to lie about fuckin’ animals, Kyle!

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Dog the Booty Hunter!

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] “Dog the Booty Hunter”?

KYLE GETZ

That’s a good porn name, right?

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s fantastic.

KYLE GETZ

Sorry. [chuckles] Sorry, you were still saying stuff.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m glad you did it. No, no, that’s it. Just, like- Like- I think that it’s so taboo that people want to believe things about it.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. Well, why would someone make up this weird thing if it’s not… if it’s not real? Like, it’s so absurd it seems like then it would have to be true.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

I could see that.

MIKE JOHNSON

I will say though, for sure, dogs and horses are real. That’s typically, in some studies, what the top of the list is.

KYLE GETZ  

Hm. Top indeed. Um, so, what are your views on, like, should it be more accepted? How- What do you think about bestiality, Mike?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I think that the crux of the situation is consent.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Animals can’t consent. Maybe some gorillas can, I don’t know. [Kyle chuckles] But, like- And maybe some dolphins can, when we get that, like, secret decoder ring figured out? But, to me, it’s about consent more than anything else, right? And no, your dog can’t consent. Like, it can look lovingly into your eyes as you rail it but that doesn’t mean, like, it’s actually into it. Like- Um, so- I mean, I think that, like other paraphilias, everything, we need to approach people with their humanity in mind and with compassion. And it’s, I don’t think, a victimless crime. I think- I think animals can’t consent and making them do sexy stuff with you is a violation so, therefore, not great. I don’t know. How about you?

KYLE GETZ  

I listened to this lecture on the podcast called “Gresham College Lectures”, an episode from 2020 called “Loving Animals” by Joanna Bourke. And she talked about, like, some of the things that, like- I was really trying to think about this and trying to not have my judgmental attitude, and really think about it. And you’re right. Like, consent is absolutely one of those big things. She talked about, like, there are a lot of things we do with animals. We cuddle them, they lay in bed with us, we kiss them, we pet them lovingly, we treat them as our own family. Like, there are a lot of ways we treat animals and-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Also, don’t fuck your family, everybody. Go ahead.

KYLE GETZ  

Depends. [Mike laughs] Step- [chuckles] That seems to be every porn, is your step-whoever. And, she also talked about the fact that animals- we often view animals and bestiality through the lens of violence, like something negative or bad has happened to them, and don’t view animals as having their own independent lifeworld. They have sex drives, they have- they, um, have desires and libidos, and they masturbate for pleasure, and they have sex with other animals for pleasure. They have sex with other animals outside of their species for pleasure, sometimes consensually sometimes not. Like, they- They have their own world and they deserve to be valued. So, I guess- She didn’t really say it directly but I guess she was arguing that there is a kind of love for animals that can be acceptable or something. She didn’t get me all- She didn’t get me there yet. I still agree that, like- I think- I do start to, like, “Let’s pick the extreme example of, like, ‘can a gorilla consent?’” but, like, I don’t- I don’t think that, like, animals can truly understand what is happening even if they can sign the word “yes” or whatever.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. Mhm, mhm.

KYLE GETZ

Can they, like, truly understand what is happening here? And- I don’t know. Yeah, so, your dog can look like he’s into it but I- Yeah, I still have an issue with, like, the consent and, even if they seem into it, how much do they understand about what- like, what’s happening, what pleasure you’re getting from this, and what you’re kinda doing to them?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I think the view was interesting, reminding, like, animals have their own agency and deserve to, like, live, basically, and have their own sex drives. That was an interesting reminder that was like someone trying to view it from a different angle, but yeah, it didn’t- didn’t-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Didn’t convince me that that’s okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I remain unconvinced as well.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Well, that’s the verdict I guess.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh my god, Kyle!

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

We didn’t talk about horse dicks even once.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Well, now we did!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Now we did.

KYLE GETZ

What-

MIKE JOHNSON

I think is really interesting that we talked about, like, dudes with big penises are “hung like a horse”, “hung like a mule”, “hung like a donkey”, “hung like a rhino”, “hung like an animal.” Like, it’s-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re talking about fuckin’ bestiality!

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s an inhumanly large penis. It’s a- It’s an animal dick. Like, that’s-

KYLE GETZ  

And that’s, like, sexy and okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes! Isn’t that- Like, what the fuck?

KYLE GETZ

So, okay, if you judge people-

MIKE JOHNSON

Show me your horse cocks, everybody. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

There’s no such thing as 10-inch horse dicks. That’s not true.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, horse dicks for sure. Like, actual horses, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But if you judge people that, like, do the – again, like, the consensual – thing of either- Not all furries. It’s- For most of them, it’s not about sex. But for those where it is, that yiff, go- like, go for it. Or, like, you know, having sex with people pretending to be animals. All of that is like… no, like, that part is cool. Like, you’re consenting, you’re adults, you know what’s happening, and if you feel like it’s gross, like, yeah, just- You’re- That’s a good entry point, in my mind, of, like, we talk about “horse hung” and that’s okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So there’s something there to comparing to animals that we’ve all kind of just said is acceptable socially.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yep. Okay, well, great. Uh, in the Patreon I’m gonna talk about 10 countries where bestiality is a thing.

KYLE GETZ  

Wow. Okay. I’m interested and scared.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, me too. Where.

KYLE GETZ

And US is amongst them. Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

We should make sure that we are- we are no… scapegoat? Wait. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

[like a goat] Maaaaa. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Should we take a break?

KYLE GETZ

Let’s take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s take a break.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

So, are we back?

KYLE GETZ

We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re back! [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

We’re gonna do our Gayest-

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re [baaing like a sheep] Baaaaack. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first… you motherfuckers, tickets are on sale now.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

For our live show.

KYLE GETZ

They went on sale May 1st.

MIKE JOHNSON

They went on sale May 1st. Uh, there is a promo code in the Patreon app that will get you 50% off, so be sure to use that.

KYLE GETZ

If you’re a Patreon member.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh, yeah. Go to gayishpodcast.com/live. All of the links to the tickets can be found in there. Sunday June 4th in New York, Friday June 23rd in Seattle, Saturday July 29th in Chicago, Sunday August 13th in San Francisco, Sunday September 10th in L.A., and Sunday October 15th in Houston. We would love to see you beautiful little faces.

KYLE GETZ  

And, wonderful fuckers…

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

…m’fuckers, if you think you’re gonna go, please- I mean, both buy a ticket now because you get a discount because they’re on presale right now. So buy a ticket-

MIKE JOHNSON

Except New York, but yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Except New York. Um, buy a ticket now, for you and also for us. It helps us to know that people are gonna show up, because if no one shows up we’re not gonna do a show there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah!

KYLE GETZ

So, like, please make sure you buy tickets now and bring your friends, and it’ll be a lovely time and you’ll get a drink with your ticket.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And that’ll be great.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Also, everyone…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah?

MIKE JOHNSON

…we’ve been doing a Gayish spotlight segment and putting it on the Patreon app.

KYLE GETZ

“We’ve been doing it” meaning we’ve done one so far.

MIKE JOHNSON

Two! We did two!

KYLE GETZ

It’s not up yet.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

We will- We will publish the second soon.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, great. Uh, but yeah, we had Queers in Your Ears which is a podcast. We did an interview with them and we did an interview with Brad Shreve from the podcast “Queer We Are”. And, even though it’s on the Patreon app, they’re public posts so anybody can go and listen to them.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I’ve really liked both of the conversations we’ve had. Go listen to both of those podcasts. Yeah, I think they’re really interesting conversations about the people that make these LGBT podcasts, why they make them, what the podcasts are about. Brad’s was really interesting. He shared a lot about his story so, whenever that comes out, look out for it. And we’ll post about it on our socials, so- So yeah, keep an eye out for that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeeaaah!

KYLE GETZ

Just a fun extra thing that we want to do.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeeeaah!

KYLE GETZ

And hopefully we’ll do more, like, interviews and discussions with LGBT podcasters and others that we think are interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Business owners… I dunno.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, important people…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Not important people… whatever.

KYLE GETZ  

Regular people.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Animals.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, okay, it’s time for the Local Gay Bar Review!

KYLE GETZ

Ooo!

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, this time I’m gonna talk to you about Boston, Massachusetts, and the bar is called “The Alley”, which is in an alley.

KYLE GETZ

Good name, good name.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, yeah. Okay, so first of all, went there, it’s an adorable space. There’s like an upstairs, not like a- not like another floor but like a loft kind of area, a big wraparound bar, lots of booths, and saw lots of different kinds of people there, which, you know, is always a big thing for me. But, on this particular evening, the upstairs loft was taken over by, like, a pup/leather event of some kind.

KYLE GETZ

Interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON

So there were a bunch of pup hoods and, like, a boy in full latex running around. And there was a tour guide up there, he was- “Pup Sticks” was his name.

KYLE GETZ

A tour guide?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. We went up the stairs and we definitely looked tentative like we weren’t sure that we belong. [Kyle chuckles] And so they, like, gave us a tour guide.

KYLE GETZ

Wow!

MIKE JOHNSON

His name was “Pup Sticks” and he, like, took us around.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s such a good idea. Like, I bet they see that on people’s faces and they’re like “You don’t know what’s happening, do you?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. [both chuckle] Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It was great. It was really, really great.

KYLE GETZ

That’s cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then I got recognized twice-

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

-there, independently.

KYLE GETZ

Because you’re so famous.

MIKE JOHNSON

It wasn’t the same- It wasn’t the same people. It was one person that was one booth over that was like “Are you Mike from Gayish?” and I was like “Yeah.” And then Tito Burrito.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, hi Tito!

MIKE JOHNSON

Ran into Tito Burrito that evening. And then, Kyle…! [Kyle gasps] I got laid.

KYLE GETZ

Oooh.

MIKE JOHNSON

5 dildos.

KYLE GETZ  

Whooooooooaaaaaaaaaa! [Mike laughs] Baow baow baow baow! Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo! Confetti, confetti, confetti.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, but, you know, at least a half of one of those dildos is just to spite you. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

I’m so happy. We made it happen together, everyone.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

They said- All the haters said it could never happen.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yep. Herem we are.

KYLE GETZ

Herem we are. I have two things.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

If you are a Patreon member and you’re listening to this the day before, and it’s Wednesday still, our happy hour’s tonight.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh yeah!

KYLE GETZ

So come hang out with us. If you’re not a Patreon member, it already happened because you didn’t- you don’t have access to this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. There’s always next time.

KYLE GETZ

But, um, there’s always next time. So, it is Wednesday 6pm Pacific, 9pm Eastern. The details will be posted to Patreon. So check Patreon for that info. Um, and we’re really excited. This year we’re gonna be sponsors of Trans Pride Seattle so-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeeeah!

KYLE GETZ

Now, more than ever, it’s super important to have positive trans visibility, trans celebrations, trans pride, trans joy. There’s an organization that puts on Trans Pride and has before, so it’s- If you’re in the Seattle area, you can check them out. It’s on the same day that we’re doing a show separately so, you know, go to one and then the other. Um, but yeah. We’re excited to be sponsors this year.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Everybody’s like doing all this hand wringing, appropriately so, about all the anti-trans legislation that’s going on in this country right now. If you want to do something about it, get your goddamn checkbook out and give some money to some trans people.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yep, absolutely. Absolutely.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, our website is gayishpodcast.com.

KYLE GETZ

We are on social @gayishpodcast.

MIKE JOHNSON

Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, especially if it’s your Gayest & Straightest, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply. Oh and Momsplaining! Get your Momsplaining questions in.

KYLE GETZ  

Ooo, yep. If you want to join our Discord, or our Facebook group, or our Spaces, we have all those links there at gayishpodcast.com/contacts. So you can find all that. And then, if you want to email, us our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.

KYLE GETZ  

USA! [both chuckle] Gayest & Straightest?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, let’s do our Gayest & Straightest.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, I’ll go.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

Um, my gayest is: when you and I went out for drinks, we pretended to be on a date to get someone to stop talking to us.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, we did!

KYLE GETZ

Um, he did drop a little bit of knowledge on us where he said “There’s no shame in the game if there’s a little Hershey’s kiss.” [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

Which I wrote- I immediately wrote down because I was like “That’s hilarious.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You know, if you’re havin’ sex with someone and there’s a little Hershey’s kiss…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…it’s okay. It happens.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, and- Uh, not our first rodeo with that particular gentleman either. He had hit on Marty.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. [Mike laughs] He was there with your [chuckles] brothers and he didn’t remember that we had already talked to him before, I don’t think.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. It was great.

KYLE GETZ

Um, my straightest is: yesterday watched the movie “Dude, Where’s My Car?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh! Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Do you remember that movie at all?

MIKE JOHNSON

I just remember the “Dude” and “Bro” being written on their backs.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. “Sweet” and “Dude”.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Sweet” and “Dude”. Yeah, there you go.

KYLE GETZ

That movie was about aliens.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, great.

KYLE GETZ

The entire time it was, like, aliens were on Earth trying to find something.

MIKE JOHNSON

Excellent.

KYLE GETZ

Like, I just completely forgot. Like, my friend asked me and he was like “Do you remember what that was about?” I was like “Yeah, finding a car,” and he was like “No, it was about aliens.” It was also transphobic, which sucks.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

Um, came out in like 2000 or something.

MIKE JOHNSON

It was a different time, I hope?

KYLE GETZ

I mean, not different enough. It’s kind of like- A lot of things were transphobic around that time and didn’t even- Yeah. Anyway, that’s my straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. Uh, well, so the gayest thing about me this week… I apologize in advance because technically it’s two weeks in a row of exactly the same thing.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] I’ve done that with Kraken.

MIKE JOHNSON

Dakota, the hot trainer…

KYLE GETZ

Oh yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

…this morning, in an even skimpier tank top.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

I had to train with him.

KYLE GETZ

Oohhh!

MIKE JOHNSON

So it wasn’t just from across the room. It was like- He was, like, touching me [Kyle chuckles] and moving me to do things different. And, like, I could see the- Like, the- His cleavage was kind of poppin’ out at the top of it and he smelled amazing. [Kyle chuckles] Like, whatever body wash or, like, deodorant, like, was- It was- Here- I’m- Oh man. Okay. [Kyle chuckles] Dakota. Dakota is the gayest thing about me this week. [Kyle laughs] But then the straightest thing about me this week was to throw him off the trail, I guess. I don’t know. I started talking to him about hockey. Which, the sum total of my hockey knowledge comes from being at the bar with you when we were on a date.

KYLE GETZ

Oh our date, yep!

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause the Kraken- or, you know, the Stanley Cup playoffs and the Seattle Kraken. But uh, yeah. So I was like [in a deep voice] “Do- Do you follow hockey?” [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

But now you know that-

MIKE JOHNSON

“Please touch me more.” [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

You know about the playoffs. That’s some good hockey knowledge that seems-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. You know.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. I forgot, in addition to watching “Dude, Where’s My Car?”, we stopped it so my friend could turn it on to the hockey game where the L.A…. I’m gonna say “Hawkeyes”… were playing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Kings?

KYLE GETZ

Yea, that sounds more right. …Were playing against the Edmonton Oilers, and Edmonton won.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh. They have a big mall there.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s cool. That’s gay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hey, Canada, I see you.

KYLE GETZ

That’s- [laughs] I know what’s up. Oh, hey, Canadian Discord.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [chuckles] Uh, a listener’s Gayest & Straightest. This time, my favorite kind comes from a voicemail.

KYLE [listener, voicemail]

Hey there, gentlemen. This is Kyle calling. And yes, another Kyle, but I’m older than Kyle and so I came first, and so I think that means I win, right?

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Yes, it does.

KYLE [listener, voicemail]

That’s how that works.

KYLE GETZ

Yep.

KYLE [listener, voicemail]

So, I’m calling in with my Gayest & Straightest. Uhh, my straightest is that I fell through a- Well, I fell through a hole in the floor at my dad’s house and scraped up my shin, uh, really bad. And there was no antibiotics or anything to treat it and so I just poured vodka over the open wound to disinfect it. And, uh, my gayest is that when I met the contractor over there to fix the hole in the floor he was asking me if my shin was healing up nicely, and I told him the story of pouring the vodka on my shin, and then I proceeded to tell him that it was the butchest thing I’ve done in a while, which made him tilt his head slightly at why I would say it that way. So, anyways, very much enjoy the show. Appreciate you both, have a great night. Bye.

KYLE GETZ  

Thanks, first Kyle. Kyle I. [both chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

Thanks, original Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I definitely think that using anything that’s not antibiotic ointment as an antibiotic is, like, that’s straight.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Yep. Like, they- Archer did that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Just put dirt on it or whatever. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

And also, it was very early on that- I think it was your brother Murph that said to us, like, “Calling stuff ‘Butch’ is gay.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Like, dudes don’t talk about how butch they are by doing stuff. Like, that- Yeah. So, absolutely. That was a great one.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, thanks. Send ‘em in, folks. Uhhh, that’s it. We did it!

KYLE GETZ

That’s it!

MIKE JOHNSON

We talked about [chuckles] bestiality.

KYLE GETZ  

We talked about bestiality a bunch. I- Yeah. Um, I want to thank… and pray that you continue [both chuckle] after this episode… our Super Gap Bridgers [takes a deep breath]: Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Waddu, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Good work, Kyle! You did it.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON

You made it all the way through in one breath.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm!

MIKE JOHNSON

And not just because of editing.

KYLE GETZ  

Mhm. Alright-

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s it!

KYLE GETZ

But that made it sound like I didn’t make it through, because-

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Ha ha!

KYLE GETZ

No, I didn’t- I really did it! Okay, here I go again.

MIKE JOHNSON  

No! God! No no no! That’s it. This has been Gayish. From the Chris Khachatourians studios, I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be ewe!

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s spelled e-w-e… in this episode only. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Quit. I’m out. I’m done.

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

KYLE GETZ

We talked about how we feel about bestiality as a whole. I dislike-

MIKE JOHNSON

Just hole? [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

Jesus. I dislike people’s connection of it to gay shit.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I think if- Let’s pretend there’s a world in which I’m just missing out on some part of it and, in the future, we’re like “Oh, there’s some- Like, everyone was just looking down on this thing. There should be some version of this that’s acceptable to society. We just didn’t know all that stuff.” You gotta make a case for that on your own. You have to make a separate case for bestiality if that’s what you think should be legal or okay. Like, you gotta push for that as an independent thing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I really dislike trying to grab on to gay rights and that movement as why you think it should be your- it should make the same progress as gay stuff?

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

I think you need to work hard to find- get people to research this, find the science that says it. You need to make a independent separate case, and I think it’s- because I think it often harms the progress that we make by people trying to attach themselves to it. I think a lot of people see a lot of good progress in gay shit and want to attach to it and there’s- Some of that is good. There’s racism within the gay community, we should be connecting those and talking about those two things. I don’t need bestiality being attached to it, You need to go make your own case for this issue.

MIKE JOHNSON  

…A lot of TERFs say that about trans stuff.

KYLE GETZ  

Mm. That just, like- But there is a history that connects, um, trans and gay issues together. They are intertwined through history, through people’s judgment and associations with gender, gender norms, gender stereotypes, and gay shit. Like, those- Like, I can look back and find why they’re connected through history, and time, and judgment. And I- Like, you don’t- We don’t see the, like, “Originally the gay and bestiality movements were connected.” Like, that’s just not the case.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s not true, so-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I didn’t say they were right.

KYLE GETZ

No, no, I know. [Mike laughs] I know. It’s a fair argument and I had a real smart response.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] But do you agree? Do you, like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, absolutely

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Okay. Alright.

MIKE JOHNSON

Totally.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. That’s all.

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]

Gayish: 330 Transgender II (w/ Ezra Michel)

Ezra Michel (@ezramichelmusic) joins us to talk about everything: the word “pussyboy,” bisexuality, Grindr, male privilege, chasers, HRT, addiction, gender dysphoria, self-harm, big clits, t4t, and more.

In this episode: News- 4:30 || Main Topic (Transgender)- 15:37 || Guest (Ezra Michel)- 21:21 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:01:37

Follow Ezra on:

@ezramichelmusic on IG & TikTok 

@p_ssyboyapparel on IG, or visit pussyboyapparel.com

@welcomehomehair on IG

Tickets for our 6th anniversary live show mini-tour go on pre-sale starting May 1 (except NYC, which is already in pre-sale). Visit www.gayishpodcast.com/live for details and tickets. We can’t wait to see you!

The next Patreon happy hour is on May 3 @ 6pm Pacific / 9pm Eastern. Anyone at any level of support is welcome, so join today at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ  

The podcast that must have three strikes, because we are out.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [laughs] And so many balls before that. [Kyle chuckles] I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON

And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And today…

KYLE GETZ

Today…

MIKE JOHNSON

…We’re gonna talk about trans stuff.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. We are doing our long-requested, long-awaited interview with a transmasc person. We’ve talked to a transfem person, we’ve talked to a nonbinary person, we- I mean, we’ve had other trans people on in general, but this is that kind of, like, let’s just ask all the questions you’re not supposed to, so you don’t do it. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, yep. That’s exactly right.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, boy, my list of questions is juicy.

KYLE GETZ

Ooooo, interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. He’s in for a wild ride.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, but first…

KYLE GETZ

But first…

MIKE JOHNSON

Quick correction. [Kyle gasps] At the risk of being church racist and saying that they all are alike, I messed up the story last week when I said that the church in Zillah that hosted the Romeo and Juliet play that had everybody upset because of the trans rights thing and the potentially gender-nonconforming person that was cast as Romeo, it was not the Church of Godzilla. It was the Church of the Nazarene. Those are different churches. They’re not all the same.

KYLE GETZ  

You’re welcome, Zillah, for that correction.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You were on pins and needles.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. That’s it! It’s a different church, Kyle. They have more than one church in Zillah, believe it or not.

KYLE GETZ

Oo, good for them!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Well, or, bad for us.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, you know. Okay. Hey, everybody!

KYLE GETZ

Hey, buddies.

MIKE JOHNSON

Fuckin’ listen up.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, hi.

MIKE JOHNSON

You dickbags.

KYLE GETZ

Hi, friends.

MIKE JOHNSON

We are going on a tour this year. It’s a six city stop, not to be confused with the three-hour tour in Gilligan’s Island. Tickets are on sale May the 1st, and our production assistant Derek reminded me that this is the last episode before that.

KYLE GETZ

I did, but thanks. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

No, no! Let- Give- Let’s give Derek credit where he doesn’t deserve it. Uh, yeah, tickets are on sale May the 1st. Please buy the tickets.

KYLE GETZ  

Those are presale tickets, so they are gonna be discounted for now. So now’s your chance to swoop in and get your tickets.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Except for New York City, because those were- have already been in presale and will stay in presale until May 1st and then they will go up in price unless you’re a Patreon person. Also, I’ll be posting to Patreon the discount code, which gets you 50% off. That will also happen May the 1st, so check the app before you buy your tickets so that you can get- you can get, you know, cash money back.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. And, Patreon, you get your discount no matter when you buy it. That’s one of your- the benefits that we’re doing this time around. But please, if you’re gonna come, please buy tickets so we know. It’s really helpful to, like, have numbers and stuff.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So even though you don’t have- there’s no rush because your discount is permanent-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-it’ll help us.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do it sooner rather than later because it helps my blood pressure.

KYLE GETZ

[sighing] Yeah, yeah. Samesies.

MIKE JOHNSON

Also, everybody, I just want- I don’t- I want everybody to know we’re not even gonna break even on this tour.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, one way to talk all of these fuckin’ bars into letting us do our gay-ass podcast was saying that we were gonna buy you all a drink. [Kyle chuckles] So, like, at least half of your ticket is just a drink ticket, like, so that you can, you know, have a cocktail with us. So-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. We’re doin’ this for the love of the game.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, yeah. Just- Just- Just- Just keep that in mind, that, like, your ticket price includes a beverage. That’s all.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. Come out. It’s gonna be a lot of fun. We’re gonna- We’re excited to- Like Mike said, we’re doing these shows not to make money or anything – because we won’t – but just because we love doing them, and people have wanted for us to start doing live shows, and it’s great to see people. So, come out.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Yep, absolutely. It’s gayishpodcast.com/live, is where all of the details are. But uh, that’s June 4th in New York, June 23rd here in Seattle, July 29th in Chicago, August 13th in San Francisco, September 10th in Los Angeles, and October 15th in Houston, right in Kyle’s back… hole.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Yeah. So, do it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Do it. Now the news?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, news the first: Barry Humphries, known for his drag persona Dame Edna Everage, is dead at the age of 89. Now, I mention him because I don’t want people to give me the “I can’t believe you didn’t,” bullshit. And-

KYLE GETZ  

Mm. And a good reason to- A good motivator for anything! [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. And I- But I want to- I want to be clear that he’s problematic.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

And I don’t necessarily want to, like, gloss over that. Like, it’s okay to be sad. He was a big deal… and kind of problematic. So, he was hilarious, a genius, um, and for sure like a pioneer in bringing drag into the mainstream like well before RuPaul was even fuckin’ born, right? He’s been doing drag as mainstream comedy things since the 50s and 60s, but he did say some pretty heinous shit about trans people in 2016. He was wholly unapologetic about it and then doubled down to talk about political correctness as being a disease and that cancel culture is ruining comedy. Um, he was also maybe racist? At least told a racist joke that Salma Hayek got involved in and was super pissed about. So, anyway, just, like, he’s a big deal and funny, and it’s okay to be sad. He was an almost 90, product of his time, blah, blah, blah, but also kind of a problematic dude. Also, he was straight and married, so whatever.

KYLE GETZ  

Huh. Weird.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

What a weird guy. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Yeah, weird dude.

KYLE GETZ

Huh. I mean, we talked about him at a party. Like, it was big enough that, like, this came up in our friend group, so, like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Exactly right.

KYLE GETZ

It’s, like- I don’t really know why I know him, but I know him. Like, he’s just kind of that ubiquitous.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, that’s what an icon is, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Also, not A-list. Okay, uh, [Kyle laughs] news the second. So, the United States House of Representatives, which I will remind you is controlled by the dickbag asshole fuckface party the Republican GOP party, has passed the Protection of Women and Girls in Sports Act-

KYLE GETZ

Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON

-which prohibits those assigned male at birth from competing on female sports teams in K-12 schools and universities that receive federal funding.

KYLE GETZ  

Not, like, working on making sure they get equal pay, or opportunities, or access, or any of the actual issues that affect women’s sports.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Correct. [Kyle chuckles] Correct, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Cool, let’s protect those women.

MIKE JOHNSON

Or anything else that matters, right.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, it was along party lines 219 to 203. There were 13 people who didn’t vote, which, that’s-

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

You know, way to stay on the fence for that one. But it’s also just theater. It’s all theater. It is dead on arrival in the Democrat-controlled Senate so this will not pass into law, but they just are totally, you know, creating a situation where they can say “We tried to save women and the Democrats fucked it up!” because it’s- this is their wedge issue. Like, abortion is our wedge issue, their issue is trans stuff. Anyway, so-

KYLE GETZ  

We shouldn’t downplay, like, that they are then directly negatively impacting trans people’s lives. So, although they’re using that for political game, then they’re like shitting on a giant part of our community, which sucks to be the recipient of that dump.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Wow, that was not my best metaphor.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, which- But so- It’s not working in the federal level, because the Democrats control the White House and the Senate. But at the state level, shit is fucked and is getting worse. So this is news to be.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which is that a trans lawmaker in the state of Montana has been denied the opportunity to speak until she apologizes for saying lawmakers would have, quote, “blood on their hands” if they supported a bill that bans gender-affirming medical care for trans youth.

KYLE GETZ

Well, stop killing trans people then – you know? – and then you won’t have blood on your hands anymore.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That seems like a you problem.

MIKE JOHNSON  

This is her first term in the state house and- Go ahead.

KYLE GETZ  

The party that loves free speech is not letting her speak. Like- [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. For sure. For sure. Also- Well, okay, so there’s a couple of things. She also references the small government thing, that, like, quote, “It’s hypocritical, but it’s coming from a caucus who talks about limited government as their goal, and then the very same caucus is pushing to take away medical care [that] is accepted by every major medical association from people like me.” “I think there’s inherently a hypocritical nature there, but I’m not surprised that they would stoop so low as to misgender me.” In all of the press releases released by the Republicans, they repeatedly referred to her using male pronouns. And just- It’s disgusting. It’s absolutely disgusting. What she actually said: “The only thing I will say is, if you vote yes on this bill and yes on these amendments, I hope the next time there’s an invocation when you bow your heads in prayer, you see the blood on your hands.”

KYLE GETZ

Oooh, that’s great.

MIKE JOHNSON

So they say that she is being uncivil. The speaker of the house, Matt Regier [said “reh-GEAR”] –  Regier? [“reh-JEE-ER”] Regier? [“reh-JEE-ay”] I dunno, he’s a fucker – says, quote, “It’s up to me to maintain decorum here on the house floor, to protect dignity and integrity, and any representative that I don’t think can do that will not be recognized.” She posted a picture of her microphone with her “I want to talk” light on it’s been like that.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

She has said “My light is on, and I am ready to speak on behalf of the constituents who elected me to do so.” It’s really interesting to me that it’s like, I don’t know, legal to, like, just like ignore an elected representative. Like, you just don’t get to participate in… what’s in the constitution? It just is fuckin’ crazy to me.

KYLE GETZ  

And one person gets to be like “Do I call on you or not?” Like, this isn’t like Mrs. Hampton’s 3rd grade class where, like, “Billy, you’ve talked too much. Like, let’s keep it quiet for a second,” this is, like, someone that was elected to speak.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Oh, Montana, why do you have to be like this? Oh, everywhere else that’s red or even purple?

KYLE GETZ

Oh, America.

MIKE JOHNSON

Why are you like this? This is why we can’t have nice things.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, she said “I am going to continue to do what I was sent here to do. I will punch in on every bill that I feel like I have things to say about things to speak on. And I will punch in, ask, and demand to be recognized.” “Where that goes from here depends largely on the Speaker and the body — if they are going to see fit to allow me to partake in debate as is my right as a duly elected representative of the state of Montana.” Good luck. Uhh, news the last.

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

My favorite news story of the week.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, Lizzo.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Oh, yea yea yea yea yea yea yea.

MIKE JOHNSON

Lizzo was in Knoxville, Tennessee at Thompson-Boling Arena and invited a bunch of drag queens to join her on stage, which is… not yet illegal? But, um, the state of Tennessee-

KYLE GETZ

It’s trying to be.

MIKE JOHNSON

About a month ago, Republican Governor Bill Lee signed into law a bill that criminalizes public drag performances but that bill has been temporarily halted after a Memphis-based theatre group sued. So, it’s legal for now on a court technicality kind of a thing. So- But Lizzo’s definitely, like, flaunting “I brought drag queens with me, here we go. Fuckin’ deal with it.”

KYLE GETZ  

That’s how you do it. That was amazing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s how you use your platform and your- Like, there are certain people that have the ability to make a statement, and make a big splash, and make a show, and it’s a very small number of people that can do things like that and she’s one of them.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. During the show she said, quote, “In light of recent and tragic events and current events, I was told by people on the internet, ‘Cancel your shows in Tennessee,’ ‘Don’t go to Tennessee.’” “Their reason was valid, but why would I not come to the people who need to hear this message the most?”

KYLE GETZ  

Mm. That’s kind of a consistent thing, like you hear people say “Well, like, we’re not going to this state,” and that- You know, for whatever reason. Like, I remember this happening around bathroom bills.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And people would be like “Oh, well we’re not gonna go to your state then because of that bill,” and I can see that being a useful tactic.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, you don’t get our money and people are- But then, I also see people going and- But, if you’re gonna go, do something like make a donation, or make a statement, or make a point out of it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I think both can be true, and they don’t cancel each other out at all, that a business who has nothing to do with queer shit can say “Change your shit or we’re pulling our business out.” Like the NCAA or, like, fuckin’ Salesforce did that in Indiana during the RFRA stuff. That is totally valid. I also think queer people – queer content makers – can and totally should go to those places and give them the giant middle finger in person, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, saying “Be nicer to gay people or we’re out”: valid. Gay people going to a place of saying “Here we are, we’re fuckin’ gay, deal with us”: valid.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, the drag queens that were featured included Asia O’Hara, Aquaria, Kandy Muse, and Vanessa Vanjie from RuPaul drag race. There’s a fuck ton of them, and my favorite part is that, even with all that fabulousness, Lizzo still is like- stands out in this picture. [Kyle laughs] She’s like- Lizzo might be my favorite drag queen now. [Kyle laughs] Anyway, fuck you, Tennessee, and the horse you rode in on.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Thanks, Lizzo. Um, I would like to spea-

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s the news!

KYLE GETZ

Oh, right. [Mike laughs] I was already on to- I was moving this ship forward.

MIKE JOHNSON

Crack that whip.

KYLE GETZ

Someone’s got to, and it’s not-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Crack that whip! Devo. Now we gotta add that to the list.

KYLE GETZ  

Licorice whip. That’s the Simpsons. Um, I would like to thank [chuckles] both licorice whips and the following new Patreon members- one new Patreon member: Philip and Gilbert.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Is that really two?

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t know, Philip and Gilbert, are we being honest about how many people are signing up for this account?

MIKE JOHNSON

Why does that sound like Bert and Ernie to me?

KYLE GETZ

It sounded like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern [both chuckle] or something, to me. I’m gonna just- Instead, this is Philbert.

MIKE JOHNSON

Philbert?

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Welcome.

KYLE GETZ

Because you’re only allowed to have one name, sorry.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

You can’t have two people. Thank you, Philbert- or Gillip? Nope, Philbert.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Philbert” is better.

KYLE GETZ

Um, if you want to join Patreon, get bonus content, have me try to say your name-

MIKE JOHNSON

Get 50% off your live show tickets!

KYLE GETZ

50% of your live show ticket… we have a happy hour coming up, so now’s a great time to join, on May the 3rd at 6pm Pacific, 9pm Eastern. We all get together, have drinks, chat. It’s a lot of fun. So, you can join for just $2 and everyone is invited. So look out for the details that’ll be posted on May the 3rd to the Patreon app. There’s a lot to check Patreon for.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. You should, like, make sure that your Patreon account works and that your shit is up to date.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

Because that’s- We use it for talking to you about stuff.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, yeah, so make sure you join, and see us there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. You wanna talk about trans stuff?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, let’s do it. Um, so, I wanted to start off with- We are, of course- I think maybe I could have, or we could have, done a better job of this in previous discussions where this is like the topic and what we’re doing, is, like, we are interviewing one person.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And there are a variety of experiences.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, like, I think, partially, one of the reason that we got requests for transmasc is both it’s another experience that is important showcase, and transfem people do get a lot more kind of visibility in like in actors, and models, and people you think of tend to be trans women.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, want to make sure we give the spotlight to everyone. But then, of course, in doing so we will- There’s plenty of other people and experiences out there, but I just wanted to-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Also, it feels- It feels like, these days, there’s more focus on trans women like because of sports, because of like bathroom bills and stuff. Like- Like, I’m not gonna say “Trans men have it easier,” because they clearly don’t, but they don’t seem to be the target as much lately.

KYLE GETZ  

Mm. It’s interesting, and maybe we’ll ask- We’re gonna have Ezra on, who I saw on Instagram…

MIKE JOHNSON

Pussyboy!

KYLE GETZ

Pussyboy. [both chuckle] Um, so we’ll talk him more about just his experience and all that. But, just for now, I wanted to give an overview from Pew Research-

MIKE JOHNSON

Pew, Pew.

KYLE GETZ

Sure. [Mike laughs] …Uh, from 2022 that said-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I love the look on your face. You paused and you- Like, you-

KYLE GETZ  

It was like “This was happening,” and w- [Mike laughs] I thought we were gonna breeze past it real quick, but we’re hovering in this area. That’s fine.

MIKE JOHNSON  

One of these days I won’t be able to control myself, and surprise you.

KYLE GETZ  

I- You’re- You’re right, I would be very surprised.

MIKE JOHNSON

I did not today. Go ahead. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

So, 1.6% of people in the US say that their gender is different than that assigned to them at birth, which, I like that question that it’s not just like “Are you a trans man or woman? Or are-” You know, it’s not limiting it. It’s just “Is your gender different than that assigned to you at birth?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Of those- And this is where we will- Like, they will not give us this full spectrum of all possible identities but at least the data they have is, of that 1.6%, the .6 are trans men or women and 1% is nonbinary.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Of course, there are other identities that could be- Like, we could discuss in here genderfluid people, genderqueer, two-spirit. Like, there are a lot of different identities beyond just these, so.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And then also, what I was surprised by, I didn’t realize this, for the people ages 18 to 29 that number is 5%. 5% say they are not their gender assigned at birth.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, wow.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So this is one of those things where we don’t know the true number of trans people, because they are so discriminated against. Go see our episode on left-handedness. It’s not that there’re more left-handed people, we just stopped being shitty to them. Like, there are not more trans people in the world, it’s just becoming more well known. People now can put a word to their experience.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Or, counterpoint: remember when we said the glitter was transiting the fish?

KYLE GETZ

Or-

MIKE JOHNSON 

Maybe drag queen’s sequins are transing our kids.

KYLE GETZ  

Ohhh, drag queen’s sequins are the new… fish glitter. [both chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

You all knew it was coming. You could have predicted that sentence from a mile away. Um, yeah, so I think we’ll get to see the real number, you know, as it becomes more talked about and hopefully more-

MIKE JOHNSON  

You like to bring up the left-handed thing pretty regularly, right? That, like, left-handedness, there’s this huge rise and left-handedness that is not because people are more left-handed, it’s that we stopped being shitty to them.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Exactly. So, another just interesting data point: 44% of people, again in the US, say they know a trans person personally.

MIKE JOHNSON  

How many percent?

KYLE GETZ

44.

MIKE JOHNSON

That seems high to me.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s great.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That’s going to be one of the ways that there’s a difference, is, as you know- And this- Same is true of gay people. Like, the more you like get to know actual humans and not think of people as identities-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-then the more you treat them with respect. Unless you’re Republican.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It is easy to hate an idea, it is hard to hate a person.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Visibility matters.

KYLE GETZ

Yep, yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

#ComeOut. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. That’s beautiful.

MIKE JOHNSON

Thank you.

KYLE GETZ

You almost- You- Maybe a little bit more, uh, selling at the end next time, but-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, I didn’t know where I was going with it when I started the sentence, so. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Podcasting. That’s what podcasting is, it’s starting something you don’t know how to finish? That’s also like sex with me. [Mike chuckles] Um, anything else before we…?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m sure- Well, we may or may not reiterate this with him when he when he when he joins us. And I just want to be clear to everybody…

KYLE GETZ

Oh, yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re going to ask questions because we have been given explicit permission to ask these questions. This is shit that you should not just casually ask a trans person. You just- Just don’t.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

We get to because this is our show.

KYLE GETZ  

And this is what we’re doing, and we’re like- And It’s okay to be curious about things. Also, what- Where do you- How do you channel your curiosity? Like, listen to this or you can look things up online. Plenty of people are willing to share their stories. But yeah, this is all shit- Don’t ask a trans person any of this.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Just don’t.

KYLE GETZ

Just don’t.

MIKE JOHNSON

Don’t. Um, okay, great. So, we’re gonna take a break and when we get back we’re gonna have Ezra with us, Pussyboy, and we’re gonna have a big ole chat.

KYLE GETZ

Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, um, should we take a break?

KYLE GETZ

Let’s take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s take a break.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

So are we back?

KYLE GETZ  

We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] We’re back.

KYLE GETZ

Um, and we want to welcome Ezra Michel to the show! Thank you so much for being here.

EZRA MICHEL  

Thanks for having me.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay, so, I discovered you through Instagram and then I quickly discovered your use of the word “pussyboy”. [chuckles] So there’s-

EZRA MICHEL

Mm, yes.

KYLE GETZ

We want to ask you about a lot of things, but I thought that might be a place to start. Like, tell me a little bit about the word “pussyboy”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And that’s not just a thing that we called you at the top of the show, that’s, like, your-

KYLE GETZ

We did reference it, but you- [Mike laughs] Yes, you use that word when- [chuckles]

EZRA MICHEL  

Yes, yes, I use that word. I love that word. It’s, uh- It started because I was making a Reel on Instagram about having a UTI, and it was like a vulnerable Reel. I just, like, started talking and I just posted it. It was like… I said the word “pussy” in reference to my own body, and it was the first time that I had ever said it publicly. Like, I used it in like personal life, like, for a while, but it was the first time- And I knew when I posted it, I was like “Wow, I said the word ‘pussy’ like three times in this video.” [Mike and Kyle laugh] “I wonder- Like, I wonder what’s gonna happen. I wonder if people will, like, notice.” And, of course, tran- binary trans guys noticed. And some of the binary trans guys that had been following me decided to publicly announce they’re unfollowing me because of that word. And I noti- I was just like “Wow, that is so incredible, that one word has that effect on us as a community.” And I remember being really triggered by that word myself at one point in my transition. And, um- I don’t know, it just sort of like made me think about, like, how I healed from it. And it was just from exposure to it, and starting to use it playfully, and getting comfortable with my body, and getting comfortable with that word. And it just sort of like dawned on me like “Oh, I could make a funny phrase out of this, like ‘pussyboy’,” and as like a reclamation or like a way to expose myself to it in a way that was fun.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I was just gonna ask if that feels like reclamation, if that’s like empowerment-through-taking-it-back kind of a thing.

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, I’d say so. I mean, it was a way that- A lot of times, I felt- I felt emasculated.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

You know? Like, I’d be on Grindr and like people would message me telling me that I was hot or whatever and that they didn’t mind that I had a pussy, as opposed to, like, you know, being excited by it. It was like “Oh, like, I don’t mind, even, that you have one. Like, it’s okay with me,” and I’m like “That’s not… [chuckles] If you think that that’s a way into my pants, that’s not.” [all chuckle] You know?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, you mentioned Grindr, so first- Right out of the gate, like, what is your sexual orientation, gender identity, pronouns, all of that?

EZRA MICHEL  

I use he/him pronouns primarily, but all pronouns are fine with me. I identify as bisexual because I think it’s a cute word. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ  

I’ve never heard that explanation for why someone identifies as bisexual, but I love it.

EZRA MICHEL  

I mean, it’s like cute, it’s historic. Like, there’s more history to it. I think it’s like… mm, bi! [Mike and Kyle laugh] Um, and uh, “queer” is fine. I guess, like, “pansexual” is a word that probably encompasses my sexuality the best but I don’t like that word. It’s just, like, annoying to me, so-

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

And then, I identify as a trans man, a nonbinary trans man.

KYLE GETZ  

Talk to me about- Like, some people may be confused at the idea of, like… “man”, the fact that “man” is in there feels binary but you’re saying “nonbinary trans man”. Can you tell me about those two words working together?

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, I mean, I like identifying as a man. I think it’s a fun like little “Haha, me too.” Like, I’m in this club as well.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

EZRA MICHEL

Like… I don’t know, like, there’s a part of me that just feels like it’s important to take up space in that category to diversify [chuckles] what it means to be a man, you know? And I do walk through the world as a man, so I have a lot of male privilege. I know what it feels like to not have male privilege and then have male privilege, and there is a- There’s such a thing as male privilege and it does exist. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

I can definitely confirm. I love the way I’m treated now, it’s awesome compared to what it was like before.

KYLE GETZ  

I should have mentioned up top: you are a musician, a model, you created- You’re locked into- You created PUSSYBOY APPAREL. That word is big in your presence. You’re a barber. So, you are- You do a lot of things, so I should have mentioned that. But, okay- I- It’s interesting, so few people can have the experience of gaining male privilege in a way that you’re describing. What don’t people that have just lived their lives as men having that privilege and not recognizing it- Like, what- How did that change? What did that change for you?

EZRA MICHEL  

I guess it just made me more confident, like more certain that people would listen to me when I started speaking. When my voice dropped, the way that I could grab people’s attention was different. The way that I could keep people’s attention was different. And I’m somebody who, like, you know, even though I have like a- Like, my voice registers as male most of the time. I still sometimes get misgendered on the phone, because I- like, I sound like a faggot, [Mike and Kyle laugh] and we know that.

KYLE GETZ  

For those that can’t see, there’s a little bit of a hand- a wrist motion that accompanied that.

EZRA MICHEL  

I mean, we all know- Like, yeah, it’s kind of like- I talked like this before my voice dropped, and then once my voice dropped I was like getting- like, people were receiving me as a gay man, a cis gay man. And I was like “Why does everyone think I’m gay?” I just really didn’t think to myself “Oh, like, the way that I speak is gonna stay the same, it’s just- it’s gonna be in a lower register,” so I still sound very effeminate in the way that I speak. That didn’t change from testosterone.

KYLE GETZ

Interesting.

EZRA MICHEL

I guess, like, why I said that is because, like, I have male privilege but I have the male privilege of like an effeminate gay man. So there’s still, like, you know, I still like people disregarding what I’m saying. You know, mechanics, and construction workers, and things like that. [Mike chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Do you- Are you good with like things like cars, or construction, or like home stuff? Like, I am not good at- Someone should disregard me absolutely, because I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. Do you- Are you good at-

EZRA MICHEL  

I actually do.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

EZRA MICHEL

My dad is a plumbing contractor and I worked for him for two years, so I know plumbing-

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

EZRA MICHEL

-and I know a lot of construction. I built my barber shop, actually. I made that barber shop.

KYLE GETZ

Wow!

MIKE JOHNSON

Very cool.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s really impressive. Good for you, damn, I wish I knew stuff like that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m really thankful that when the zombie apocalypse happens there will still be people that can get shit done in the world [Mike and Kyle chuckle] in the world, so.

EZRA MICHEL  

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, me and my partner watch Survivor and I’m always like “I could do that. I could do that.” I could eat a worm.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m like- They like show up and get off the plane and I’m like… I would be outskies. Like, right now is about when I would quit. They’re like “Welcome,” and I’d be like “Okay, thank you. Bye.” Like, I- [Mike and Ezra chuckle] Yeah. I’m really curious, you talked a little bit about your experience on Grindr, like, man, what’s- Grindr I already think of- I got kicked off Grindr, so I don’t know what it’s- I don’t- Who knows what it’s been like.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s not gotten better, how ‘bout that. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

I just think of it as a really toxic place already, so yeah, what’s being on Grindr or what has it been like?

EZRA MICHEL  

I mean, I used to use it. I don’t use it anymore. Me and my partner are monogamous. But when I was out there, you know, for the most part it was unsolicited dick pics and people trying to get my nudes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm. Mm.

EZRA MICHEL

And I hooked up with, like, probably I would say like under 10 people from Grindr and none of them were incredibly like life changing or anything. It was just always like “Oh, you came, and now we’re done. Awesome.” [Kyle chuckles] ‘Cause like, gay- Like, cis gay men often are like really turned on by the fact that I- Like, I guess the people that are like reaching out to me and like actually making an effort, they’re turned on by my juxtaposition of parts. They’re like “This is hot,” “You’re hot,” whatever. And then, once we like get together and actually we’re like meeting up in person, they seem to get like little nervous. Like, they’re like all talk. They’re like “I’m gonna eat your pussy and you’re gonna cum like 10 times,” and I’m like “Ugh, I doubt it,” but, like… [Mike and Kyle laugh] if you say so. Like, if you really s- And then they’ll go down on me for like two minutes and then feel like, you know, whatever, like they didn’t achieve what they thought they’d achieve in two minutes. And then they’re like, “Did you cum?” and I’m like “Bitch, no.” [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Girl, no, [chuckles] I didn’t. You’d know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Would give you an A for effort, but you don’t deserve it,” right?

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, you don’t deserve it. And then- Yeah. I mean, it- That was like how- That was like a very consistent experience for me. So, I kind of gave up on the hookup thing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

A lot of trans guys I’m aware of on social media or dating apps feel- They talk about trans chasers as being a thing. Um, I would assume that that’s most interactions. Is that true?

EZRA MICHEL  

I don’t know. I have a hard time with that because it’s, like, I prefer people who, like, are transamorous – people who, like, like trans people or are attracted to trans people – because there’s a higher chance that they’re like experienced with us. Yeah, so it’s like- It’s, like, a fine line between people who are just genuinely attracted to trans people versus people who fetishize us. And I feel like the chasers are the ones who just dehumanize us and see us as like sexual objects, as opposed to human beings with a really rich history, and like an interesting past, and like an interesting story. Because, like, that can be a really attractive quality in somebody, to, like- You know, I’m attracted to trans people because we’re like fascinating and cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

EZRA MICHEL

You know? In a human way, not just like “Oh, like, hot. That guy has a pussy. Like, holes,” you know? “Boy with holes.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [laughs]

EZRA MICHEL

Which is like- You know, I get it, but also, like, it’s not nice…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

…to be seen as a boy with just some holes.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’ve seen a lot of dudes – cis dudes – who have on their profile that they are “trans competent”. That’s a- That’s a identifier I’ve seen.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you have a reaction to that, as like a thing to put in a profile?

EZRA MICHEL  

[chuckles] I mean, that’s a little cocky. [Mike and Kyle laugh] I think that I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t pursue somebody who’s, like, boasting about that. I’d probably be like “Eugh, cringe,” personally.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

Like, I just- You know, don’t be weird about it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

EZRA MICHEL

Like, that’s the thing. Like, don’t be all weird. Like… it’s not- It’s not attractive. Like- But maybe some trans people would be like “Oh, that’s a safe person,” you know? I just think that’s cringe as hell.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Mm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Makes sense.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, you talked a little bit about being on testosterone. How- Tell me about your HRT journey. Like, what was that like?

EZRA MICHEL  

Well, I was 18 when I started. I’m 27 now, turning 28 soon so I’m like 9 years as of March 3rd. 9 years on T… which makes me like a grandpa in the community. [Mike laughs] Like, quite frankly, like, I am a seasoned old man. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

EZRA MICHEL

But I look like a twink still, so that’s my superpower [Mike and Kyle chuckle] is that I actually have like quite a- quite a- I don’t know. I have a lot of history. I know a lot about the community and what it’s been like for the past nine years. It’s changed so much, so- But being on T, you know, it’s just been life-saving for me. When I started T I was in heavy drug addiction and alcoholism, like in active use. I was 18 and I was really close to killing myself, and even in the haze of addiction, and all of it, and not knowing anything about the medical system, or insurance, or anything like that, and living all by myself, I still managed to make my way over to a free clinic in San Francisco and start hormones. And that, I think, really saved my life. Um, and eventually, like, gave me the clarity and the comfort to get sober. So, I think it really did save my life.

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, I appreciate you like talking about that and sharing all of that. And it sounds like a lot, and I’m curious. Like, I hear that phrase, like “It’s life-saving,” and I’m curious to know, like, can you like maybe tell me a little bit more about that phrase? Like, what- What does it do or give you? Or, in what ways is it life-saving?

EZRA MICHEL  

That’s a really good question. Uh, [chuckles] well, for me, I grew up like- Like, I was a really “troubled teen”, quote unquote. Like I didn’t go to school, I dropped out a bunch, I was really- I was just like rebellious in a lot of ways and it’s- I think that, for me, my discomfort gave me the sense of, like, “It doesn’t really matter what I do to myself because it’s not my body.”

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

EZRA MICHEL

Like, I didn’t know how to identify with my body. So, like, when you look at your body you’re like “Oh, this is my body. Like, whatever,” not even a question. But for me it was like these parts literally felt like they weren’t… mine. Um, and so I didn’t care what happened to them. So it wasn’t this, like, natural, like “Oh, I just- Like, I need to protect myself.” It was like “I don’t give a fuck about what happens to me,” so I tossed myself into a lot of dangerous situations. I- I just was always putting my life on the line because I needed like an adrenaline rush in order to feel alive, and in order to feel like I existed. I needed to go to extremes all the time. So, it was like- That’s how the alcoholism and stuff just really like skyrocketed at such a young age, because I was just like “Oh, at least I can feel something and not feel the discomfort of being in my skin…” you know, “…while I’m high,” or whatever. So, in a lot of ways, it’s like- it’s life-saving because it’s like… it allowed me to recognize myself in the mirror and be able to recognize my body as mine so that I could want to keep it alive.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

EZRA MICHEL

You know?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

That’s the best way to explain it, I think.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Is that- When we when we talk about gender dysphoria, is that what you’re describing? Is that- Is that the experience? What I guess I’m asking is, like, what you’re talking about is very existential to me. It’s like, you know, your lived experience versus the truth. And, uh- But sometimes I hear gender dysphoria as being something that sounds more acute, right? Like, it’s sensations in your body or like a physical discomfort. Is that true? I- Can you say more about gender dysphoria for me?

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah. Yeah! I think- Well, I mean, obviously, like, everybody’s description of it is gonna be different because they have their own, you know, perspective on their own experience, right? But for me it’s a lot- like, it was very emotional. It was very, like, existential like you said. Like, it was like “This isn’t mine! Like, what- What is mine? What is a body? What is a mind?” Like, what makes something feel like mine versus not?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

And, like, how can I live in this reality knowing that this is my body but then, like, act like it’s not? Like, how- Like, I was having these thoughts at like age 8.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

EZRA MICHEL

Like, I was like trippin’ out on this shit while other kids were just like playing in the sandbox. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] I’m just, like, sitting in the grass just like trippin’ out. [Mike chuckles] Uh, so, that for me is the main aspect of dysphoria, but then also there was a discomfort. There was like a physical sensation. There was a- I kept- When I was younger, I would try to explain to my therapist “I just want to unzip my skin and walk out of it.” I just wanted- I felt, like, claustrophobic and I would, like, grab at my skin and try to like pull on it to like get ou- Like, it was like- It was like a horror movie for me.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

EZRA MICHEL

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

Did people understand that?

EZRA MICHEL  

Hah! No. [Kyle chuckles] No. And I was- I was one of those kids that wasn’t trying to hide anything. I wasn’t like sneaking around. Like, I was really out loud “Hey, I’m in pain. I need help. I’m cutting myself. Here’s my scars. Like, give me help please, please, please,” and my parents were really under the impression that it was- it was all gonna pass and that I was gonna- You know, it was a “phase” and whatever, and they loved me but they just- They were so in their own world that they couldn’t really see me. So- But I really tried. I mean, I took myself to therapy when I was in like high school. I just started going by myself.

KYLE GETZ  

Wow. For me, my self-harm has often been about trying to pro- Like, one, to just like stop the feeling – stop, like, the swirling – and then also to be able to show to people. Like, to describe depression or how things feel is really difficult but to show someone a cut is much easier. I’m curious what kind of yours was for you?

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, I think that the cutting thing was such a cry for help. I mean, I was even aware of it when I was doing it. I was like “This will show them.” I needed to show them like a physical depiction of the pain that I was in.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

Um, and even that- Like, I thought “Oh, like, and because it’s so dramatic it’ll really get them to notice.” But it was like- The language wasn’t around at that time when I was in high school. Like, we weren’t saying “transgender,” we were- I was out as a lesbian. I was, like, out at a young age. I was 15 when I came out as a lesbian. And uh, and that didn’t fix everything, you know? It allowed me to justify wearing boys clothes [Mike and Kyle chuckle] which was good, and cutting my hair short which is, like, you know. That was the reason why I said I was a lesbian, because I just wanted to… cut my hair.

KYLE GETZ  

To cut your hair. That’s- [chuckles] That’s, like, creative thinking. That’s, like, creative problem solving. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]

EZRA MICHEL  

That’s a common thing, actually, for a lot of transmascs. A lot of their stories, it’s like “Oh, I just wanted a reason to cut my hair so I said I was a lesbian.” But, like, a lot of us, you know, after we start transitioning, realize that we are actually into men and we, you know, we like denied ourselves the ability to like really go after having crushes on men before we started feeling comfortable in our bodies and, you know, a lot of us starting hormones. And I- Like, people always say “Oh, testosterone makes people gay.” Like, have you ever heard that?

KYLE GETZ

I have not.

EZRA MICHEL

I think it- Honestly, it just gives us like the freedom to be able to see men as options, whereas before it was like I was too… like, I was too, like, in my jealousy and whatever. I couldn’t- I couldn’t let myself be attracted to men before, because I was like too uncomfortable in myself.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, I do want to- I do want to ask: testosterone and going on T, did that affect your libido? And, can you say- Like, I’ve heard things like psychological changes, or changes to libido, or changes to even, like, how your orgasms feel. Like, how much of that did you experience, or what was it like?

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, well, I started out- Before I started T, I had a really big clit.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh-huh.

EZRA MICHEL

I always did, and I thought I was really like weird because of it. When I was, like- When I was like showering with my friends or whatever, when I was like at sleepovers and, like, we’d all like get naked- But not, like- Not to like be like, you know, sexy or anything.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

It was just, like- It was like we would just- We’d be changing. I’d like notice the other people’s, like, pussies and be like “Wow, everything’s like really tucked in.” And I’d be like- Like- [Ezra and Kyle chuckle] It wasn’t like that for me. So, when I started T everything grew a lot, and what used to be like a source of shame ended up being like a source of… like, I have like big clit energy. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

EZRA MICHEL

So, like, a big reason why I think I talked about it all the time is because I do feel, like, quite confident about my- the stuff that I’ve got. So, not only did it grow but it also- Yeah, my libido, I got like way hornier. And I was 18 when I started so, like, I was already horny.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

But then… Yeah. I- Like, I remember like not even being able to get through the day without jerking off like at least five times.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

EZRA MICHEL

Like, I was really going through it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

EZRA MICHEL

And it was, like, annoying actually. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Like, I was like “Ugh, this again?” [Mike and Kyle chuckle] But back in the early days, like, I could cum in like 2 seconds. I was- It was like wild. And, I mean, it was like- It was awesome. And also, like, I remember like walking around, like my boxers would like chafe and, like, it would like be uncomfortable because it was like newly-sensitive.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

And it was like the first thing that I noticed when I started T.

KYLE GETZ  

Interesting.

EZRA MICHEL

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You’ve talked in some of your Instagram videos about your connection and relationship to masculinity, and especially you’ve mentioned feeling, like, more feminine masculinity. I’m curious, especially thinking about T but just in general, like what your relation to masculinity is.

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, I- Well, I think… I think the definition- The definitions of masculinity and femininity are so, like, subjective and stupid, [Kyle chuckles] and I also think it’s like fun to play with. So, at this point in my like evolution, my life, my whatever, maturity, I really only use them as a way to play and to speak lightheartedly about myself and my mannerisms, but nothing is concrete and nothing is like- I would never use those words to, like, beat myself up anymore, and I used to a lot. So I feel like, you know, I- The way that I’ve like navigated healing masculinity and stuff within myself, and, like, toxic traits, is just by acknowledging… you know, the pressures of, you know, identifying as a man and, like, what comes with that, and trying to trying to like get honest about, you know, what that’s like. Like, it’s wild to feel insecure when I’m like shaking someone’s hand and not knowing like how firm to shake it. And, like- Like, that’s so stupid. [Kyle chuckles] Like, that’s so silly. There’s so many like things that are just fake, that’s like silly little constructs. So I feel like the way that I’ve navigated it is just by being, like, honest about how silly it all feels and not taking things so seriously. Because, I mean, when I was first starting, like, to come out and stuff I would watch videos on like how to pass as a man.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

EZRA MICHEL

Like, “Change your walk, change the way you talk.” Like, [in a deeper voice] “Okay, so- So, guys, they wear snapbacks. So, buy yourself a snapback. Like, you gotta wear your hat backwards. Like, don’t wear shirts that are too tight because you’ll- your tits will show, so.” Like- It was like- I remember the video. It was like two guys – there were two trans guys – and they were like wearing like baggy clothes and they were just like [in a deeper voice] “Yeah, this is how you do it, so… fucking do it.” [Mike and Kyle laugh] And I’m like- And I remember I was like taking notes, like I was like “Okay! Because this is the way you have to do it!” So, after 9 years, I’m fuckin’ tired. Like, I don’t want to pretend. The reason why I came out was so that I could feel more comfortable in myself, not so that I could put myself in another box to like figure out how to- You know, I was trying to be a girl for so long and now, like, I’m trying to be a guy? Like, I don’t want to try, you know? Like, that’s the whole point.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. It’s interesting, I would expect – and probably still do expect – that a lot of the toxic masculine traits come from the outside world, but you’re also describing some of these traits coming from within the trans community, of “Here are these norms, here these things to do.” I’m curious, do you still- Has that changed, or do you still get-? No? Okay. [chuckles]

EZRA MICHEL

No!

KYLE GETZ

Do you still get that within the trans community?

EZRA MICHEL  

I mean, the guys that unfollowed me because I said the word “pussy”, that’s one blatant example of toxic masculinity, misogyny within our community. And it’s like they felt completely justified in their anger towards me. Like, they f- They were like- One of the comments was like [in an indignant tone] “I thought this was a safe space for trans men and it’s clearly not, because you said the word ‘pussy’ and that is a triggering word for me.” And I was like… I mean, when did I ever say this was a safe space, first of all? Like, I- [Kyle chuckles] I didn’t say that. Like, nowhere is safe for us. Are you kidding me? Like, not even- Not anywhere on the internet. Like, especially, you know? But nowhere is safe for any- Like, nowhere is 100% safe for anybody. We all have different triggers. Like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, and it’s your pussy, don’t you get to call it what you want to? Right? Like- [chuckles]

EZRA MICHEL  

Exactly! That’s- You know, and a lot of folks- I will say, like, I don’t want to just paint this picture like it was just that. It was mostly people being like “Thank you so much for using that word! Thank you.” Like, I get those DMs like daily from folks saying “Thank you so much for normalizing this word. ‘Pussyboy’ has helped me with…” you know “…being comfortable in my skin. It makes me feel sexy. My partner calls me a pussyboy during sex and now I feel hot.” Like, that is the overwhelming feedback that I get from folks, so I want that to be very clear.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Go buy PUSSYBOY merch, everybody.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [all chuckle]

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, it’s all hand screen printed by me at a trans-owned screen printing shop here in L.A., so…

KYLE GETZ  

That’s amazing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Very cool.

EZRA MICHEL

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, it’s interesting, you’re- It seems like you’re describing like a playfulness, and a levity, and a use of words in a fun way as like one of your ways that you kind of deal with some of these traits, or norms, or expectations. What- Where do you think you got that ability to be lighthearted and joke about some of these and play with some of these words?

EZRA MICHEL  

You got some good questions. [Kyle chuckles] I’m really impressed. I’m really impressed.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, thanks!

EZRA MICHEL  

I love that you said “levity”, that’s one of my favorite words. Uh, that’s like what I try to do, is bring levity to these topics that have felt so heavy and so, like, just, like, life or death for so long. I think that, you know, I think that it honestly- Like, my like trauma response that I, like, developed over the years has just been like to find the humor in situations, and I think that’s, you know, a common thing a lot of us do. And um, I noticed that like a lot of times with trans stuff, specifically transmasc stuff, like, everything just seems so serious, and so like solemn, and like poetic but like in a really heavy way. And it’s just like, so, like, augh. And I love sad shit. I’m like so pro-sad shit. [Mike chuckles] Like, I listen to sad music, I write sad songs, I love it. And I think that it’s important to show multiple sides of the story. And if I can bring some humor to something that has felt super hard to deal with, then I will, you know? And that has been, like, the way that I’ve healed the most, is by like being able to laugh and not take myself so seriously either. Like, I think celebrity culture, and like influencer culture, and social media, like there’s this, like, this really intense pressure to seem like- almost like apathetic and like chill. You know, like just like unfazed? Like “Oh, like, I didn’t know this was recording.” [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Like “I post, like, a blurry photo because I don’t give a fuck.” [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Like… you know? And uh, I just think that’s honestly kind of lame. I like caring about stuff, and I think it’s cool to, you know, to show that and not take myself so seriously; not be so contrived.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Something else you’ve mentioned in one of your videos is your journey with, like, religion and spirituality. And it did kind of surprise me that, like, the fact that you described like kind of coming back to it. So I’m curious if you can talk a little bit about that journey.

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah. I was raised like really spiritual. My mom’s a minister, I went to church camp, but it was like- it wasn’t like typical Christian church camp. It was like, you know, “God is love and we are love, so we all have God within us and running in and through us and we’re made up of a body, mind, and spirit,” and, like, it was very, um… you know, woo-woo. [Kyle chuckles] Manifesting, law of attraction, like all of that stuff was just, like, embedded in my upbringing. And meditation and whatever. So, that stuff really like held a lot of weight for me, especially as a teenager going through, like, what I mentioned earlier and then coupled with having to go to church camp while I’m dealing with, like, all this other shit. It, like- It was like a- It just made everything really confusing, I think, for the most part. I wasn’t really able to, like, comprehend spirituality at the time. I was just sort of like going through the motions trying to make my mom happy. And then, when I got sober, I realized that all the tools that I had been brought up with would come in handy for me, because in 12-step they say, like, you need to find a higher power. And a lot of folks come in with spiritual trauma – religious trauma – that that actually stopped them from wanting to progress in 12-step, because they’re like “Oh, ‘God of my understanding’? Well, the god of my understanding was like a really punishing god that sucks.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

And for me it was like “Oh, ‘God is love’? I could do that.” So it was actually a lot easier for me to, like, welcome that aspect of the program and then it worked for me and I, like, really got more comfortable with my spirituality. But then, I started dating somebody who was like a really strict atheist and we had a lot of conversations about spirituality, and atheism, and all this stuff. And, over time, I just- I, like, had this epiphany where I was just like “What if it all is just… stupid? And what if, like- What if there is nothing but what I can see in front of me?” And I, like, had this amazing awakening where I was just like “Fuck it, God is dead,” like “I’m just gonna focus on what I can see and touch, and that’s it,” and that was really important for me but then, over time, I started to soften again to the idea of, like, you know, at least, like, being more in the agnostic realm of just like “I don’t fuckin’ know!” Like, it’s kind of arrogant to think that I know. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

You know? So I think- I prefer humility over everything, so I’m like… What’s the most humble approach to spirituality? Okay, it’s probably that I just can say “I don’t know.” So might as well do what feels the best, you know?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

And uh, that’s kind of like what helps me move through the world is, like, okay, checking in with myself, like, what feels good. And that’s what I- That’s my spirituality, is just, like, tuning into myself.

KYLE GETZ  

What else has been feeling good for you lately? What feels good for you these days?

EZRA MICHEL  

I mean, I live in the most beautiful home right now, and it’s new. We- Me and my partner just moved into this place in late December., so it still feels- it feels new. But, like, we’re in Laurel Canyon, so I like have this view of the city. I’m like looking at it right now and uh, and it’s where Joni Mitchell lived when she was writing her music and I feel like- I just feel so connected, I feel inspired, I have a barbershop in the backyard that I can take clients and, you know, create this really amazing space. I love doing hair, I love- Like, I love the feeling of connecting with people and helping them feel like themselves. And, you know, it’s- I don’t know, I just- I think I’ve created a life where I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. And that’s just been based on, like, gravitating towards what feels good. And um, this feels good. I love talking to you guys! [Mike chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Aw! Thanks. It’s very nice to hear all of these, like, experiences and I really appreciate you sharing everything. What else do you got, Mike?

EZRA MICHEL

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I want to ask about the whole “T4T” thing, which I also see on dating apps a lot, and what’s your dating experience been? Have you dated cis people, have you dated trans people, all of the above? Can you compare and contrast what those experiences are like?

EZRA MICHEL  

[chuckles] Yeah, definitely. I mean, I’m a ho, I’ve been around. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

I’m like a romance-ho, though. Like, I love- Like, I love falling in love. So I’ve fallen in love a lot in my life, and uh, I’ve dated cis people. The last cis person I dated was a hot mom I grew up, like, thinking was really hot and then, like, later on she like came to visit L.A. and was like “Do you wanna get dinner?” and I was like “Yeah! Like, I’m fuckin’ 26 now,” and then we, like, ended up dating. So that was exciting. And she was great. She was, like, really queer, and, like, affirming, and she liked effeminate guys so that felt really good because I was, like- I was with this, like, older woman who was, like, really into like effeminate guys. So it was fun. Like, there were certain things that were challenging because, like, you can never like know- You know, even if you’re tra- like, in a T4T relationship, you’re never going to know exactly each other’s experience. But I will say that, like, being with a trans person- I’m with a transfem person now, and we have been dating for 10 months now, and the experience of, like, just knowing, like… That- It’s- It’s just like one layer of comfortability that you just can’t get to with a cis person. It’s just, like, this- Like, even though the cis woman that I was dating was like incredible and exceptional in so many ways, there was still this, like, “You’re never gonna really know me,” kind of feeling. And with my current partner, it’s like I can relax more than I’ve ever been able to relax with a partner before. And I think there’s a lot of factors that go into that, I don’t think it’s just ‘cause they’re trans. I think they’re also my soulmate, but, you know, the trans thing really helps a lot. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure, yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

And have y’all- Remind me, have y’all posted videos of giving each other, like, T and E? Have y’all posted- Have I-

EZRA MICHEL

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

Haven’t I seen videos like that? Okay.

EZRA MICHEL

Just one. Just one, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

One. One! Okay. Okay.

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was a cute one. We did that. Um, people were super sweet about the, you know, whatever. They commented nice things and then a lot of people were like “Wait, what are you doing? Are you giving each other your own hormones? Like, what?” [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Like, it was- Yeah. The internet is so funny. I just- I just came out with a new shirt that says “nuance is hot” [Mike chuckles] because I was just thinking about how, like, the internet just does not leave any room for nuance at all and, like, everyone just jumps to such black and white conclusions. And it’s just so- Like, if you scroll on comment sections it is, like- it’s just amazing to watch humanity interact with each other.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep.

EZRA MICHEL

It’s astounding.

MIKE JOHNSON

And depressing as fuck sometimes too. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL  

Completely, completely. I mean, I follow like a lot of, like, Christian mom meme pages on Facebook- [Mike and Kyle chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

EZRA MICHEL

-just to read the comments. It’s incredible. It’s, like- It’s better than anything. It’s better than any reality show.

KYLE GETZ  

I have lately been addicted to, like, podcasts that have been going on for so long that the hosts don’t give a shit anymore and the show’s mediocre but people still listen, and I go onto Reddit and I read all the people commenting on all the new episodes, and that is my reality TV. That is my real housewives. [chuckles] That is my, like, fill of drama. And I’m, like, a little bit embarrassed but also still I’m so excited to do it every single week. I’m like “What’s-”

EZRA MICHEL

That’s so funny.

KYLE GETZ

I- Yeah, it’s a weird life.

EZRA MICHEL  

I get that. I also, like, go on “mom hacks” on TikTok or Instagram – like, “momhacks” – and then read those comments because it’s like… like “Put your baby in a blowup kiddie pool in the living room and put toys and blankets and it’ll, like, it’ll be so fun.” And then like a few comments are like “Oh my god, this is a genius idea!” and then the next like 2000 comments are just like [in a harsh voice] “Your baby’s gonna die!!!” [all laugh] and It’s so funny. Ugh, I love it. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, so, Ezra Michel, before we go to a break I want to ask you real quick: we have a lot of listeners who are younger and just getting started and we know that a lot of them are trans, and do you have any advice to share with that audience who’s just getting started on this journey for themselves?

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, I think that my advice is to remember that the thing inside you that told you that you were queer, or trans, or whatever, is the thing that’s going to guide you through all of it. So remember to listen to that primarily, before any other any other external voice, or advice, or anything. Like, you have- You have the compass inside you. If I could do it – and I was like in my, you know, druggie haze – then you could do it too. [chuckles] Like, it’s always there and it’s always available to you if you just- If you get quiet and listen it’ll tell you what to do next, you know? So, you have the answers within you, child. [all chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

I love that.

KYLE GETZ

That’s wonderful, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s like, I don’t know, Yoda or something. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

EZRA MICHEL  

Probably. If I’ve ever- I mean, yeah, that’s the little one, right? [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

I’m him, sure.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Alright, well- Then… you want to take a break?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, let’s take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, let’s take a break.

KYLE GETZ

Break.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

KYLE GETZ  

So, are we back?

KYLE GETZ

We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re back. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

We are gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest but, first, Ezra Michel, where can people find out more about you, what you’re up to, where they can buy your Pussyboy shirts? Like, tell us all the things!

EZRA MICHEL  

So, you can follow me on Instagram, “ezramichelmusic”, and then you can follow my PUSSYBOY APPAREL account, that’s “p_ssyboyapparel” with a underscore for the u because “pussy”… they’re not- I couldn’t- I couldn’t put “pussy” as my handle, unfortunately. And then “welcomehomehair” for my barber shop account. And uh- And that’s “ezramichelmusic” on TikTok as well. And um, yeah, I think that’s- And then pussyboyapparel.com is where you can buy my merch but it’s also linked to my Instagram, so you can go to my IG shop if that’s easier for you.

KYLE GETZ  

Follow Ezra. Highly recommend. Great music, great content, great shit-

EZRA MICHEL

Aww.

KYLE GETZ

-so absolutely go follow Ezra.

MIKE JOHNSON

Awesome.

EZRA MICHEL

Thank you.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

I appreciate that.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, our website is gayishpodcast.com.

KYLE GETZ  

We are on all the socials, except TikTok, @gayishpodcast.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply. By the way, we’ve gotten some great Gayests & Straightests in voicemail that we will play in future episodes. Please keep sending those in, we love them.

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. Yes, absolutely. Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.

KYLE GETZ

Two reminders.

MIKE JOHNSON

Two reminders. Patreon happy hour, Wednesday May the 3rd at 6pm Pacific, 9pm Eastern. Everyone at any level of Patreon can join us for that Zoom call and we’re posting the Zoom link in the Patreon app, so look there.

KYLE GETZ  

And tickets for our six-city tour are available May 1st. Gayishpodcast.com/live to look for those tickets.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, please buy tickets and please come so we don’t cry.

KYLE GETZ  

Please come.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Boy, have I said that line before.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Umm, okay, [chuckles] Gayest &- [laughs] Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Time for Gayest & Straightest. You want me to go first?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, go for it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great! Uh, so the straightest thing about me this week was: last night, when I- you and I rode home from that birthday party, I was driving the Jeep and another friend joined us who was climbing into the Jeep and goes “Oh, do you have a dog?”

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] I haven’t had a dog in- When was the “Dogs” episode?

KYLE GETZ

Oh, boy.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s like 4 or 5 years now. I just am that disgusting that there’s still dog hair [laughs] in my Jeep years later.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. We need to just take a quick vacuum to- Or- You know? Or not. Or live your life.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I mean, I do-

KYLE GETZ

You do.

MIKE JOHNSON

I- Yeah. Uh, and then the gayest thing about me this week: I think that I’ve talked about the hot trainer, Dakota, at the gym before. He usually is wearing like really baggy clothes. Like, he’s still hot despite like wearing these like shapeless, formless clothing. Whew, Dakota was in a tank top yesterda- or, a couple of days ago, and I totally got called out for like not paying attention because I was-

KYLE GETZ

By Dakota!?

MIKE JOHNSON

Not by Dakota-

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Oh, oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-but by John, who was the trainer that I was assigned that day.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, he’s like [clapping at each word] “Are you even paying attention?” [Kyle laughs] And I was like “Oh, no, I’m sorry,” and then I turned bright red because, like, I was clearly- I didn’t know that hot Dakota has, like… Everything that I thought about his body was absolutely true, and had a full, like, tattoo sleeve and, like…

KYLE GETZ

Ooo. Dakota.

MIKE JOHNSON

I was drooling. It was bad. [Kyle chuckles] Um, how about you, Kyle? Go!

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, my gayest is: I was just at my appointment for my PrEP, every three months get STI and HIV testing, and when we were scheduling my next follow up one I was like “Can we do that for the week after Pride?” [Mike and Kyle laugh] Just- I don’t know, maybe I might want some STI and HIV screening the week after Pride. Just- And she was super chill. The PrEP nurse was like “Absolutely, let’s do it then.” The other thing is, I feel like I’m pretty medically competent on a lot of these topics but I did not know about- So, I learned about Doxy-PEP, which, I will now tell everyone about Doxy-PEP. Have you heard of- Do you know?

MIKE JOHNSON

Doxycycline?

KYLE GETZ

Yes!

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So, it’s post-exposure for potential exposure to chlamydia or gonorrhea. There is a pill that you can have on hand and take if you are exposed to either those or worried that you are. It’s one pill that you can take afterwards. So I was like “Oh, I’m generally slutty. Like, that would be nice,” so I’m gonna talk to my doctor about maybe getting Doxy-PEP.

MIKE JOHNSON

Huh!

KYLE GETZ

So- But yeah, had no idea that that was even a thing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I was just gonna make the joke that at Pride they should hand out Z-Paks to everybody. Apparently, like-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, they are! [Mike laughs] Well, not for free, because obviously, but you know. [chuckles] Yeah. Um, Ezra, what about you? What is your Gayest & Straightest?

EZRA MICHEL

Wait, did you do straightest? That was my straightest, is not knowing, uh, about the medication for chlamydia. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

EZRA MICHEL  

Oh, okay, okay, okay. That’s pretty straight. [Kyle and Ezra chuckle] Uh, gayest was: me and my partner were gonna have sex and then I noticed that I had a lot of butt hair [Mike laughs] and I went to the shower and I shaved my butt hair. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] And they didn’t know that I did that but I, like, secretly ran to the shower and did that. [Kyle chuckles] Um, that’s pretty gay, I think.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Yes.

EZRA MICHEL

Um, and then straightest: I started lifting.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Ooh.

EZRA MICHEL

If you can see, my muscles are really muscling right now.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah!

EZRA MICHEL

So, I’m like a generally pretty small guy and uh, I’m like starting to like learn how to actually eat food, and bulk, and lift things. So, that’s pretty str- I feel very straight whe- And now my entire For You page is just a bunch of bodybuilding people because it’s like… I think I, like- They’re hot.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You are on the road to gym bro now.

EZRA MICHEL  

I know! I know. [Mike chuckles] Like, I mean- Yeah. I’m excited. We’ll see. I want to be able to, like, lift my partner up like really easily, so that’s the goal.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, nice. We’ll follow-

EZRA MICHEL

That’s pretty straight!

KYLE GETZ

Yes!

EZRA MICHEL

That’s very straight.

KYLE GETZ

That’s very straight, perhaps the straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

EZRA MICHEL

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Follow Ezra’s TikTok and Instagram for more. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah. Yeah, there’s plenty of that… slutty shit.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Plenty of that slutty shit. You know our audience already.

EZRA MICHEL

I do.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, Ezra Michel, thank you so, so, so much for being here today. What a wonderful conversation.

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, thank you so much for having me. This has been incredible. You guys are great.

KYLE GETZ  

We really appreciate it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Thank you.

KYLE GETZ

That is it! Oh, you’re looking at me because I’m supposed to say things now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You’re supposed to thank people that gives us money.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, that’s- Yes. [Mike laughs] Um, uh, I’m ready and prepared. I would like to thank our Super Gap Bridgers: Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Waddu, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, [Kyle gasps for air] DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York. One of these days I will get it in one breath.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, that is it. This has been Gayish. From the Chris Khachatourians studios, I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you. Bye.

MIKE JOHNSON  

See you next week. “Bi”, that’s a cute word, I hear. [all chuckle]

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

EZRA MICHEL  

Yeah, your questions were, like, not invasive at all.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh! We should have- [Mike and Kyle chuckle] We should have tried harder then, or something.

EZRA MICHEL  

I know, I was like “Wow, this is, uh- This is good, it was easy.”

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]

Gayish: 329 420

Bro. It’s 4/20. We’re high. You can find out what this is about by listening, probably. Have fun. Party on.

In this episode: News- 1:35 || Main Topic (4/20)- 13:18 || Gayest & Straightest- 55:32

Donate to the Last Prisoner Project by visiting https://www.lastprisonerproject.org/donate. It’s a non-profit working to free the tens of thousands of individuals still unjustly imprisoned for cannabis.

See our 6th anniversary live show tour dates, venues and tickets at www.gayishpodcast.com/live.

On the weekly bonus Patreon segment, we ask each other questions from the internet you should ask your friends while high Get bonus audio, video, and other great benefits by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ  

The podcast that’s created by humans, for humans.

MIKE JOHNSON  

But only the gay ones.

KYLE GETZ  

Only gay humans. [Mike laughs] Sorry, straights, if you’re listening, you get outta here.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Get out. Go on, get!

MIKE JOHNSON  

What’s up, you cool straight person? [Kyle chuckles] Um, I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON

And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And, today…

KYLE GETZ

Today, what are we talking about, Mike?

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] 420!

KYLE GETZ  

420!

MIKE JOHNSON

Happy 4/20!

KYLE GETZ

Happy 4/20!

MIKE JOHNSON

…Or 4/19, if you’re not cool and in Patreon. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, yeah, [chuckles] that’s true. Some people are getting this episode on 4/19, which, don’t get high yet. Hang on to it for a day. Um, yeah, fortuitously, this episode comes out on 4/20 and we decided to celebrate that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. How…?

KYLE GETZ

Howm?

MIKE JOHNSON

…You’re gonna find out.

KYLE GETZ  

We… [Mike laughs] took edibles, I think we should just go ahead and say.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, so, yeah, starting to- We’ll see how this goes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. We were recording our Patreon episode about prison and had to get high to get through it.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm. Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Or at least start, like, the getting high process.

KYLE GETZ  

Yes, yes, so we’re a little bit into our edible, where… you know… Um, but first?

MIKE JOHNSON  

But first, here’s the news.

KYLE GETZ

This is gonna go great.

MIKE JOHNSON

This is gonna go great, I can tell.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, news the first: San Diego County has settled with a transgender woman who was beaten by a fellow inmate after being placed in a cell with three men at a men’s prison in 2020.

KYLE GETZ

Ugh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, Kristina Frost was put in jail and, despite the fact that she uses she/her pronouns and has “Female” on her driver’s license-

KYLE GETZ

Mm. So, legally, she is female.

MIKE JOHNSON

-she was put into a cell with men in it, and they- they beat her up. So, without- While admitting no guilt or liability in the case, San Diego County agreed [Kyle scoffs] to pay $275,000 for the incident that took place on November 20th, 2020, at the Central Jail in downtown San Diego. Frost said she had been arrested for a book and release crime, where suspects are immediately released on the condition that they appear at a later time to be officially booked, fingerprinted, and photographed. Instead, she was housed with three male suspects in the men’s facility, in violation of county policy, even though she presented as female at the time of her arrest and her driver’s license listened to her gender as female. “Sadly — and foreseeably — one of the men in the cell viciously attacked Ms. Frost,” The lawsuit said. “His closed-fist punches to Ms. Frost’s face resulted in serious bodily injuries, including a broken jaw, so far requiring two surgeries to repair,” and-

KYLE GETZ

Wow. That’s horrible.

MIKE JOHNSON

The sheriff’s department, of course, said that she was making part of it up. Uh, quote-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

-“The person who allegedly assaulted Miss Frost stated he was assaulted by Miss Frost first and stated that he acted in self-defense,”-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, fuck that. That’s- That sounds like a trans panic defense.

MIKE JOHNSON  

-spokesperson Lt. Amber Baggs said at the time. “Additionally, Miss Frost declined to press charges.”

KYLE GETZ  

That’s not an admission of guilt.

MIKE JOHNSON  

She claims she was denied medical treatment when deputies further detained her for 12 hours before taking her to a hospital. She also alleged that she was repeatedly misgendered by deputies.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh- Yeah, it’s interesting. Like, this is the kind of shit that happens all of the time, and shit that, like, Republicans apparently fuckin’ think that we should be doing.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, and, uh, it’s- I don’t know. Like, I feel awful for her that that situation happened, obviously, and it’s nice for there to be some kind of repercussions for-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-like, being dickbag fuckface assholes about it.

KYLE GETZ  

Seems like not enough, but…

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Right. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, also…

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

I was gonna say something else…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, you’re high, it’s great.

KYLE GETZ  

No I’m not. [chuckles] [Mike laughs] I’m regular. It sucks that the idea- Like, we’ve been making progress by allowing legal gender changes, and it also sucks that that didn’t protect her in this case. That should be- That’s part of the point of that, is to be- And maybe, hopefully, why she won her case. Like, that- Part of the point is to be like “No, look. Like, legally, I am a female. What do you want from me? Like, you-”

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

“You have to put me in the female side.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

That sucks.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep, I agree. Yep.

KYLE GETZ  

[sighs] If you want to learn more about prison, check out our Patreon [chuckles] $5+/month level and you can hear our bonus episode about prison.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s magical.

KYLE GETZ

This was heavy.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Okay, news the second. So, Emmy award-winning Pose star Billy Porter is going to be playing renowned writer and activist James Baldwin in an upcoming feature. He also helped write the script with Dan McCabe. But James Baldwin, outspoken gay black writer born in Harlem in 1924, and wrote a lot about black identity, sexuality, race issues, he wrote books called “Go Tell It on the Mountain”, “Notes of a Native Son”, “Another Country”, and “The Fire Next Time”. But uh, yeah, so, Billy Porter, who- When you see their pictures side by side, like… I see it. This is a good casting, I think.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Also, an actual queer person playing a historical queer, uh, you know, person. So-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. Billy Porter, like, he’s one of the people that can make that happen, because of how big his name is.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. And, uh- And- Who knows? Maybe, you know, maybe this- Maybe this’ll get him his Oscar.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo…

MIKE JOHNSON

He’s won an Emmy, a Tony, and Grammy [Kyle gasps] so he only needs the Oscar to EGOT.

KYLE GETZ

No way! Damn! Alright, we’ll be watching that one.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely. I- You know, if Billy Porter EGOTs… can we just- can we do a whole episode about that?

KYLE GETZ  

Yes! We could do a Billy Porter episode. That would be cool.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Okay. Alright. Quote, “As a Black queer man on this planet with relative consciousness I find myself, like James Baldwin said, ‘in a rage all the time.’ I am because James was. I stand on James Baldwin’s shoulders, and I intend to expand his legacy for generations to come,” Billy Porter said in a statement.

KYLE GETZ

Aw. That’s beautiful.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. News the last?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Alright, so, Zillah Washington…

KYLE GETZ  

What?! This is- Hold on. [Mike laughs] I’ve been there.

MIKE JOHNSON  

The principal of Zillah Middle School has sent out an apology email to parents over a, quote, “modernized” version of Romeo and Juliet that was performed at an eighth grade field trip on Thursday. This made local news. It made Yakima news, KIMA-TV news covered it.

KYLE GETZ

Are you telling- gonna tell people?

MIKE JOHNSON

Tell people what?

KYLE GETZ

That you’re from there?

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m from there. I’m from- Like, I-

KYLE GETZ  

That’s- That was- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I went to Zillah Middle School, everybody.

KYLE GETZ  

Right, right, right. [Mike laughs] You gotta tell people!

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean- The play was performed by a traveling company from the Seattle Shakespeare Company at Zillah Nazarene Church, also known as “The Church of Godzilla”, I believe.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm, I’ve driven past that with you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Uh, and the field trip flyer stated that, quote, “The group will present a slightly modernized version of the play,” and then…

KYLE GETZ

Gay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, apparently people- Some of the kids told some of the parents some of the things and they all freaked out, wrote-in to the news, wrote-in to the principal. The principal, um- Uh- God. They give his last name: Torres. I wonder if I know that kid. Hold on.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m sorry, are you Facebooking the principal?

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Yeah, you gotta do your conflict of interest disclosures.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, Mike Torres. I know him but he’s not who I was thinking of. Mike Torres, the principal, sent out an email and said, basically, quote, “There were some scenes and back-drop art depictions that may have caused the students to feel uncomfortable,” the play was “not done in a manner that we anticipated,” and he apologized for any students that were negatively impacted. Here’s the thing: I’ve dug and dug and dug to try to figure out what was so fucking egregious that it required the news to get involved and for the principal to have to send out a letter. The two things that I had found were: number one, apparently part of the modern, like, ghetto citified like backdrop it says “trans rights”. Like, it’s a big piece of graffiti art and then, like, in one place it says “trans rights”.

KYLE GETZ   

Yeah, in the bottom corner where, [Mike chuckles] like, you really have to squint.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And, apparently, the actor that was playing Romeo was a gender-nonconforming and appeared to be either nonbinary or perhaps trans. The reports are conflicting, possibly because nobody that’s from there knows how to talk about this stuff.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, but yeah. So, the actor that played Romeo was assigned female at birth and is gender-nonconforming in some way.

KYLE GETZ  

Do they know, like, Shakespeare at all? Like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

No, they don’t! That’s the thing, right?

KYLE GETZ

[scoffs] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, they just absolutely don’t understand it. Lots of people on Facebook were saying lots of really hilarious things about the whole thing, like “Do you even know Shakespeare? All of the actors would have been men back in the day.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, what the fuck is the problem?

KYLE GETZ

You would have freaked out about that! [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh, one of- One of them said, quote, “God forbid the eighth graders see something regarding trans rights in the play about *checks notes* teenagers committing suicide”. [both laugh] Right?

KYLE GETZ  

That’s so true.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s absolutely true. Just absolute insanity. Much ado about nothing. [Kyle chuckles] But it was- It’s interesting. Being from there, I’m not surprised.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, the number of, like, parental rights things that people are hiding their bigotry behind.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like “I just- I should have been informed before knowing whether to send my kid to go be indoctrinated by transgenderism.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s ‘cause you- You hate- It’s not because you wanted to be informed, it’s because you hate trans people.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? Like, if- You didn’t bitch about the fact that we took your eighth grader to a fuckin’ church. That’s indoctrinization- indoctrination, right?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, and parents have a right to opt their kid out of that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Um, anyway, it’s just- It really- It really pisses me off that it’s just that you think trans people are icky. And they did not add trans content to the play. The play was done exactly as written. The changes were only casting and only what was in the backdrop, and costuming.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And uh, there was nothing overtly trans about it. Not pushing a trans agenda, just merely the existence of a trans person on that stage and “trans rights” written on the backdrop in graffiti was enough to, like, people lose their goddamn minds. What the fuck is wrong with this country, Kyle? Also, you’d think that the church would kick them out if it was like…

KYLE GETZ

Mm. Oh, yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

What I mean is… it was subtle enough that the church didn’t freak out. I’m sure that if, when they got there, they found out that it was like… Romeo, like, gets bottom surgery or something…

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, that would- You know, they would freak out and say “No, you can’t do your fuckin’ gay-ass play here.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But they didn’t, because it wasn’t egregious at all.

KYLE GETZ  

Wasn’t even overt? Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, anyway… fuck you, Zillah!

KYLE GETZ  

[sighs] The place you grew- I mean, I- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Also, reading through the people that were on the side of-

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god.

MIKE JOHNSON

-trans rights.

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, there’s way more of them than I ever thought possible. I think that, like, that town has changed some and that was very heartwarming to read, to read through some of the things. Yeah. And also, like, one of the, like, people on Facebook that was most angry is a guy who was an upperclassman when I was- when I was- when I was there.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

He’s hoooot.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Yeah, it’s the worst.

KYLE GETZ

Still that, like, trope of the bully that’s hot?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Who claims to have a gay son, which, like, so therefore he gets to say whatever bigoted shit about trans people that he wants to?

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like “I bet that appeared at the beginning of a sentence where he said something homophobic or transphobic.”

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s the news!

KYLE GETZ

That’s the news! Um, people that we would… celebrate in a church [chuckles] are the following Patreon members: David Clement…

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Or “Clement”, if it rhymes with “cement”. Uh… Keith Whisenhunt.

MIKE JOHNSON

What?

KYLE GETZ

Um… hut. [chuckles] What? Hut. Um, and… squagle.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Is there a question mark in there or is that just-

KYLE GETZ  

Nope, [in a questioning tone] that’s my inflection! [Mike laughs] And it’s a lowercase s if that matters. squagle, [said like “SKWAUH-gull”] squagle, [like “SKWAA-gull”] squagle, [like “SKWAY-gull”] squagle, [“SKWAUH-gull” again] squawkle… Joan of Arc.

MIKE JOHNSON

Keep going. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Uh, if you want a bonus episode segments, content, if you want to have me try to say your name, join at patreon.com/gayishpodcast. We also have our Patreon happy hour coming up soon.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah we do.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, that is May the 3rd at 6pm Pacific, 9pm Eastern. So, if you- Anyone, at any level, gets to join that. So, either if you’re already a member get to hang out with us, or join for just two bucks and you get to join in on the happy hours. They’re a lot of fun.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. The link gets posted to the Patreon app, so if you were wondering, like, how you get access: that’s how.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, um- Yeah, use the Patreon app, people. Fill in your address so I can send you a Christmas card.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Patreon, do it!

MIKE JOHNSON

Do it. You wanna talk about 420?

KYLE GETZ

[sighing] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

I feel like we’ve been talking for forever. [laughs] So-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. It’s been 17 minutes and 57 seconds, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

This feels like the l- Okay, I’m ready.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Are ya high?

KYLE GETZ

Nnn…

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Nooooooo…

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh no. Okay, well, [clears throat] um, you know what?

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

You’re right it does feel like we’ve been talking forever, because the planning about who was gonna say what and in what order is so far long ago I’ve forgotten all of it.

KYLE GETZ

You start!

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna start.

KYLE GETZ

Yes! [chuckles] I do remember that part.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Alright, well, I’m going to start… like, exactly like we planned…

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Poof! No plans.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] …with the history of 420!

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, back in the Weed episode, which, that was season one, um, uh, we got similarly high- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and I talked more about, like, the history of marijuana because that episode was called “Weed” but I don’t believe I covered 420. Like, why is 420 marijuana time, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, why is 420? I actually started to, like, accidentally run into descriptions of why, and I had to keep avoiding it because I knew you were gonna do this.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I love how predictable I am.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] I mean… As am I. But I don’t know why. Something about teenagers? I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, some of the ideas that are not true but persist as like urban legend are that 420 was the police officer code for marijuana smoking in progress.

KYLE GETZ!

Mmm. Hm!

MIKE JOHNSON

Not true, in any jurisdiction.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

At least, not at the time that 420 got this meaning.

KYLE GETZ  

I wonder if that has then- Like, it’s the other way around. I wonder if that has become a code anywhere.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, it might be. I didn’t look it up. Feel free to follow up, Kyle, if you want to.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] No, I was just- I was just talking. Just a general wonderment.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, on your own time. I don’t want to hear it.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Uh, number two: some people say that there’s a connection to April 20th being Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler’s birthday.

KYLE GETZ

What?!

MIKE JOHNSON

It- No.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s- That is not why. Why? What do you think? Do you have any theories of your own?

KYLE GETZ  

[sighs] No. I mean, I kind of ran into general-

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Like, that it’s a good time to smoke. Like, right after school.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, that’s true. Um, the timing of it is basically- It’s because of teenagers and because of high schoolers, and I’m gonna talk about that but uh, the reasons for meeting at that time, it turns out, aren’t super complicated. School ends around 3 o’clock, then come sports practice, and it would be about 4:20 that you could be done with practice, and changed, and ready to get high.

KYLE GETZ  

I forgot about, like, after school we had band practice and we had football practice. God, I forgot about that being a thing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Ah, childhood.

MIKE JOHNSON

I love it when shit like this happens, especially something that’s such a cultural touchstone, right? Like, 420 is fuckin’ famous.

KYLE GETZ

Everyone knows that, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Every-

KYLE GETZ

A-list! [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

At least in the English speaking world, it is an A-list phrase. [Kyle laughs] But, normally-

KYLE GETZ

Finally, we can agree!

MIKE JOHNSON

Normally, those things – because internet, because printing or whatever – we don’t actually know like where it started or why.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

This is five high school students in 1971 made this shit happen.

KYLE GETZ  

Wow. Can you imagine being, like, the creator of 420. That would be, like, very cool.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, Steve Capper, Dave Reddix, Jeffrey Noel, Larry Schwartz, and Mark Gravich absolutely can! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Thank you to our following Patreon members.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, they know because they did it.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, they would get together at 4:20 p.m. to smoke marijuana by a statue of chemist Louis Pasteur at San Rafael High School in Marin County, California. So, it was actually- Initially, they would say “4:20 Louis” and that was the time, 4:20, and the place, at the Louis Pasteur statue.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

The “Louis” part got dropped over time, but, um, yeah. So, they would say “4:20 Louis” and that was the, like, “Who’s down- Who wants to have that be a thing that we do today?”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And people would, like, nod their head and they would do it. They called themselves the “Waldos”.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, I kept seeing “Waldo” show up and that’s when I had to stop reading about…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Don’t know why.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Maybe- Maybe this-

KYLE GETZ  

Because they’re like hiding in plain sight?

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] I don’t think “Where’s Waldo?” was the thing in 1971.

KYLE GETZ

It wasn’t?

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

Derek!

MIKE JOHNSON

When was- When was “Where’s Waldo?”?

KYLE GETZ  

When did “Where’s Waldo?” start? [chuckles] Urgent.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Now, none of those people are named Waldo, but High Times Magazine-

KYLE GETZ  

…Started in 1987.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Great.

KYLE GETZ

Alright.

MIKE JOHNSON  

High Times magazine incorrectly reported that Steve Waldo formed the Waldos, which, that would be kind of a dick move to like gather a bunch of friends and being like “We’re called the ‘Johnsons’ now, enjoy,” right?

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] I mean, that’s like presidential campaigns.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, that’s true. Is that true?

KYLE GETZ

I mean, it’s like the Trump campaign. That’s a ton of people…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, okay.

KYLE GETZ

…that are all centered around one person’s name.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, they started doing this in high school and “4:20 Louis” was how they would say “We’re gonna go get high after school” blah, blah, blah. And Dave Reddix, who was one of the Waldos, had a brother who was working for the Grateful Dead and he got his brother a job as a roadie for bassist Phil Lesh, and he brought with him this “4:20 Louis” thing. The Grateful Dead picked up, and so then- The Grateful Dead is sort of- The Grateful Dead and High Times magazine are how it got distributed then to the world and became this cultural phenomenon that it is. It went far enough that, on- By the time 1990 rolls around, Deadheads in Oakland had flyers inviting people to smoke 420 on 4/20 at 4:20 [Kyle chuckles] and, uh, that made sense. And then that’s when High Times magazine picked it up. Steve Bloom, who was a reporter for them, published the flyer and continued to reference the number. And then, ultimately, that’s how it became this thing. The Waldos are all still alive, they all still live in Northern California in Marin County or Sonoma County, they’re still good friends. There’s a whole documentary that Time did. And yeah, he said, quote, “We got tired of the Friday-night football scene with all of the jocks. We were the guys sitting under the stands smoking a doobie, wondering what we were doing there.” [Kyle chuckles] And then they had, like, adventures.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s kind of weird how, like- I mean, it’s getting more- It’s getting less and less counterculture, but it still is counterculture 30 years later, it’s still something we’re fighting about.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. 50 years later, man.

KYLE GETZ

50 years later. Fuck!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yep, for sure. And people still have the most fucked up ideas about marijuana and what it does to you.

KYLE GETZ

Oh yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

We forgot to say, at the top of the episode, “Kyle and I are high,” [Kyle chuckles] “and it’s legal for us to do that here in the state of Washington.”

KYLE GETZ  

We’re a little high, so we forgot to say something. [Mike laughs] Go figure. Yes, it is legal. I purchased this from a store where I could order online-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-and then pick up in store like I was ordering a fuckin’… takeout noodles.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mmm, noodles.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo, I want noodles. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

That sounds good. Um, yeah, uh-

KYLE GETZ

That’s cool you can trace back so directly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, you can trace it back direc- Now, there are- [chuckles] There’s another group of people that claims that they were the ones that invented it…

KYLE GETZ

[gasps] Ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

…who also went to San Rafael High School in Marin County, California. They were like a rival gang- Not a rival gang, they were just another- like, another lunch table. 

KYLE GETZ

Another clique. Yeah, like one table over were like-

MIKE JOHNSON

That claims that they said at first and that the Waldos stole it from them.

KYLE GETZ

[gasps] Drama!

MIKE JOHNSON

To which a journalist was like “What fuckin’ difference does it make? None of you are getting paid.”

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? Like- [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Well, you just said a documentary was made about them or somethin’. I want a documentary made about me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You have one.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I made it.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

Fuck.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I want a better one. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, did I have anything more to say about them? Oh no.

KYLE GETZ

Oh what?

MIKE JOHNSON

Just, this is-

KYLE GETZ  

Just you’re high?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Hi.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hiiii. Uh-

KYLE GETZ

Should I go?

MIKE JOHNSON

Why did I want to talk about Hot Tub Time Machine, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ  

Ooo! You have to be high to enjoy it?

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughing] Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It was made by high people?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You use it to hold your… spliff?

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. Mhm. Go ahead, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s your turn.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, High Times magazine showed up bunch.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

Uhh, do gay people smoke weed more than- or do marijuana more than straight people?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m gonna guess absolutely, 100%, yes.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s a good guess. We’ll find out if it’s- We’ll find out that it’s true, very soon.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Um-

MIKE JOHNSON

Survey says!

KYLE GETZ

Hold on to your- What?

MIKE JOHNSON

Hold onto your butts?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay… [quiet sound of movement] I did it. [Kyle chuckles] Um, no- Yeah, okay.

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

Gay people- I assume gay people, if it’s like, you know, risky, or illegal, or…

KYLE GETZ

A drug?

MIKE JOHNSON

…a drug, are like supes totes more on board than straight people, who have, like, scared themselves into a boring life.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, or like don’t have to numb out so much of the pain.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Great. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Um- I mean, that’s why.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

We live, like, harder lives then numb it out with shit. Umm… So, there was an article in High Times by Benjamin M. Adams that I found that references these two studies that I’m gonna mention. So, there was a 2009 study where respondents were asked about their marijuana use, and the answers were- turned into then either they’ve never- Oh, in the past year never used it, or- have not used it or have used it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

And they also asked-

MIKE JOHNSON

Have. Did. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Have. Gay people said “have”. Oh, you. Your answer is “have”.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m a gay people, it’s fine.

KYLE GETZ

You’re a gay people. Um, you’re one of the best gay people.

MIKE JOHNSON

Thanks.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, no problem. Sexual orientation was also a question. They asked them both to self-identify and state their behaviors recently, so they know a little bit of both. That’ll- That’ll come up.

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Kay.

KYLE GETZ

Um… the results is that-

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, like, if somebody came and they’re like “I’m straight,” then, like, I had to also hear all of the straight shit that they did last week?

KYLE GETZ  

Well, they didn’t ask for like a chart. [chuckles] They didn’t ask for an enumerated list.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

They were just like asked about like “Have you been with a woman in the past 12 months? Have you been with a man?” Like, they asked about sexual behaviors.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Not just how you self-identify. Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

Which I think is interesting, because heterosexual women who have had same-sex partners, as well as bisexual women and lesbians – so basically all the kinda gay, gayish women –  were significantly higher- more likely to have [Mike chuckles] used marijuana than heterosexual women.

MIKE JOHNSON

They were higher! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Oh, that kinda worked.

MIKE JOHNSON

Significantly higher chance of being higher!

KYLE GETZ

Yes, exactly. For bisexual woman, they were the most likely-

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

-out of the three different various women we’re talking about. [chuckled] I wrote “They were most likely to smoke wet.” [both chuckle] 

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean…

KYLE GETZ 

Which, maybe. I don’t judge. I don’t judge. Bisexual women getting high and fucking sounds hot. Um, heterosexual women next in order. Heterosexual women who had had same-sex partners were four times more likely than exclusively heterosexual women.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

That seem-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Gays- Yeah, gay-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, you can- You can- …I am high. Okay, so, the thing is, Kyle, being gay, you’re told your whole life by society, overtly or otherwise, that it’s bad, and it’s wrong, and it’s- it’s not something for you, and you just- you don’t want to be that. And then you come out and you do, and you’re like “Oh, this gay sex shit is pretty fuckin’ fantastic,” [Kyle laughs] “and I feel better about myself and my life.” So, like, you got lied to a whole bunch. Then you think about marijuana, which, at least as a kid that grew up in the 80s and had the D.A.R.E. program, you thought that, like, marijuana you’re gonna do- like, black tar heroin was next, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yep, yep. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

And that it was this horrible, awful, ruin your life gateway drug, and then like the first time you get high you’re like “Oh my god, they’re fucking lying to me.” [Kyle chuckles] It just- It seems related to me…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

…that gay people who are out enough to like do gay shit realize by now just, like, “Society’s full of shit. I’m gonna do some stuff, or be a braver, or, like, explore more.”

KYLE GETZ  

Reevaluate the expectations of us and the norms.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. So that’s- Queer people do marijuana ‘cause, you know, they’re tired of the lies that they were told by society.

KYLE GETZ  

Tired of lies, Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

Tired of ‘em.

KYLE GETZ

I absolutely bet that’s it. Apparently these were not in order, I lied. Lesbians were six times more likely than heterosexual women to use marijuana.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So, like, it goes lowest likelihood to most likelihood. Heterosexual women, then heterosexual women with same-sex partners, then lesbians, than bisexual women.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Bisexual woman, you’re on top!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah!

KYLE GETZ

You always have been. For gay men, gay men were the only ones that had a difference versus other groups, which surprises me because I would- Bisexual men often, in these kinds of things, stand out for more difficult, like, mental health issues and higher rates of things- I don’t know. Like, they just tend to be higher on- when we talk about mental health and drugs. So yeah, it just said that gay men were the only ones that had a difference. Gay men were four times more likely than exclusively-heterosexual women- No. [chuckles] …Than exclusively heterosexual men, to have used marijuana. A different study then, just by comparison- Because that’s saying, you know, four times, six times higher. Like, those are big rates. A little bit different study, a 2017 study that asked if respondents had done any kind of marijuana during their lifetime.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mmm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

And it was just- This one was the past year, so now we’re talking about one that’s your lifetime. 49% of heterosexual respondents said they had. 64% of LGBTQ respondents had. So that’s 15 percentage points.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Which, that is a far cry from four-to-six times more likely. So my theory is: if both of these studies are true, then that means gay people, in particular, use it more regularly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It’s not that just more of us have done it. Some perce- You know, a decent number more of us have done it, but not hugely different, and we may be more likely to do it regularly.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I think that’s true. I think you’re right.

KYLE GETZ  

I think a lot of straight people have tried it and then they went back to-

MIKE JOHNSON

Bu they didn’t inhale? [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

Yes, exactly. Man, that MTV special… Um, but then they went back to, like, “That’s something I did in college, and now I’m back to my marri- I’m straight and married to someone, like, a woman, and I’m happy in my home…” you know, “…and I have kids, and marijuana is somethin’ I did once.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, yeah, yeah. Wacky tobaccy.

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. That’s the gayta.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great.

KYLE GETZ

What do you got?

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckling] …A fear that we don’t have enough content for the show now. [Kyle laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. I feel like we’ve been recording for… 13 days in a row.

MIKE JOHNSON  

No, just a half hour.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] We got further to go. Well, first- Okay, so, briefly, before I go into this, I want to talk about the difference between legalization and decriminalization-

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

-because they often get, like, conflated, right? So, decriminalization just means it is illegal, but that it’s not going to lead to criminal charges. So it might be an infraction like a fine or something, or it might be, like, “Technically illegal, but I’m not gonna do anything about it,” kind of space as far as, like, policing is concerned.

KYLE GETZ  

For a while in Seattle, yeah, it was like the lowest thing on the list of things they should care about. Like, if they see someone smoking weed and someone jaywalked, they would go up to the jaywalker instead, like, they- before it was legal. Now it’s just legal, so…

MIKE JOHNSON  

And then, legalization is… it is legal.

KYLE GETZ  

I didn’t really understand that difference between those two. Thank you, Michael. Oh, I learned something from this podcast.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. Great. Um- Great. So… it’s complicated the United States because, state by state, like, the states get to decide shit but then there’s still like federal- So, it’s federally illegal. So, in the United States, nationwide, from our national government, it is illegal, but the state of Washington has legalized it under Washington state law… in really direct, defiant opposition to the national law. Anyway-

KYLE GETZ

At some point, it’s gonna have to go to the Supreme Court.

MIKE JOHNSON

…Yeah. Well, Colorado and Washington were first, and then 19 other states have followed [chuckles] so far. So-

KYLE GETZ  

I think so much of it is motivated by, like, “Oh, look at that state revenue they’re getting.” I don’t- Which is fucking annoying that that would be the reason. It’s like “Oh, now once there’s- I could get money out of this, now I think it’s fine.” I don’t- I’m not- That’s just my own personal, like, thing that I just- My opinion on it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

No, Republicans love money more than they care about-

KYLE GETZ

Their values? [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

-saving people from themselves. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Or their values, yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

I think money is their value, so not all- #NotAllRepublicans. I’m so sorry. Sorry, Cleveland, while we’re at it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [both chuckles] Don’t apologize for them.

KYLE GETZ

I am sorry, I care so little about you that the only reason I made fun of you was because I remembered 30 Rock.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Okay-

KYLE GETZ

Did I make up for it?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I think so.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Okay, weed.

MIKE JOHNSON

Weed. Well, no, 420. The episode’s 420.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, right.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s important ‘cause I also wanted to talk to you about why the number 420 is badass.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay!

MIKE JOHNSON

420 is a cool number, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Is it?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes.

KYLE GETZ

Well, other than for the weed reason?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, so, here are ways in which 420 is special, the number: it’s the sum of four consecutive primes.

KYLE GETZ  

1-2-3-4… Oh, oh, not 1-2-3-4. [chuckles] It could be different primes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

101+103+107+109.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s a weird- How do- How do people figure that shit out?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

Does someone just divide a bunch of stuff by a bunch of stuff, and then anything they find they’re like “That’s a neat thing?”

MIKE JOHNSON  

A bunch of math dudes got together, and probably got stoned as fuck, and they were like [in a dumb voice] “Let’s figure out the ways that 420’s cool.”

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] [in a slightly less dumb voice] “You know what I wanna do? Multiply consecutive prime numbers, [chuckles] bro.” [Mike laughs] Everyone’s like “You’re so high. That’s a weird thing to do.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

It is the sum of the first 20 positive even numbers?

KYLE GETZ

No way!

MIKE JOHNSON

2+4+6+8+10… The first-

KYLE GETZ

That’s a fun fact we can all enjoy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. And number three: it is a zero of the Mertens function, and is sparsely totient. We’re not going to div- I don’t know what that means.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay. [chuckles] Some mathematician just fucking jizzed themselves. Like, someone fucking loved that shit so hard.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

They’re like “I didn’t know anyone would talk to me about the McMartins numeral factorial.” [Mike laughs] “I’ve never never thought that could come up in a podcast that I listen to.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

You’re welcome…

KYLE GETZ

You’re welcome… nerd!

MIKE JOHNSON

…now very messy mathematician. [both laugh] Uhh, it is 20×21, so it is- It’s the multiplication of two numbers in order, which make it a pronic number.

KYLE GETZ

Pronic!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. I’m pro-Nick… Lachey! [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

God, he’s still so hot!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Get in my booty. Um, uh, it is the smallest number that’s divisible by all of the numbers 1 to 7.

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

And, as a consequence of that, it is a harshad number in every base from 2 to 10, except base-5. Fuck.

KYLE GETZ  

Sorry, round two, mathematicians! You gotta-

MIKE JOHNSON  

[both chuckle] Yeah. Hope your refractory period is as short as it needed to be.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] You just got to come twice in five minutes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, it’s also a balanced number, which, I don’t know what that means.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, and then- And then, last… Uh, okay, I worked really hard, Kyle, to find like any gay connection to, like, a fuckload of this shit.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I have a limited amount of time that I go and do research for the show, and I was like “Were any of the Waldos gay? Was- Was-” No. “Was, uh, Louis Pasteur, the statue that they were going to, was he gay?” [Kyle chuckles] [Did he have opinions about gay people?” [Kyle chuckles] I looked up the guy that sculpted the statue, to figure out whether [Kyle laughs] he was gay or not.

KYLE GETZ

You were reaching. You were reach-arounding.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s San Rafael High School so I was like “San Rafael? Is that kind of- some kind of religious person? Were there gay rumors about that person?” Turns out it’s the Archangel Raphael, and not a person that had a sexuality. Just, I kept looking and looking so I was very happy when I discovered that 420 is the country code for the Czech Republic, and-

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] [Mike laughs] The clearest connection that I can imagine.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes, yes.

KYLE GETZ

We have country codes for things?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Like, we’re +1.

KYLE GETZ  

Ohhhh. There’s a country that you dial- “Please Dial 420” first?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yes, Czech Republic… or Czechia, if you’re from Czechia.

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, and- So, first of all, in the Czech Republic, marijuana is decriminalized, it is not legalized. That’s why the distinction there. So, you can have a small amount of marijuana for personal use and not suffer any, like, consequences. But it’s interesting-

KYLE GETZ  

I would think-

MIKE JOHNSON

Go ahead.

KYLE GETZ

I would think Amsterdam would have this radiating effect outwards to like anywhere, like just a radius surrounding it, of…

MIKE JOHNSON  

I read, somewhere but I didn’t save it, that the Netherlands, Amsterdam, it’s actually not legal, it’s just decriminalized.

KYLE GETZ

Really?!

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s- Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s like the most famous place to… to 420.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Apparently that’s just- That’s a function of decriminalization, not legalization.

KYLE GETZ

Interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, the Czech Republic- So, wh- When you think Czech Republic, Kyle, what do you think?

KYLE GETZ  

Boy, I think, like… I should have paid attention in history. Like, I just think about like- I’m- I think I know where that is on a map. I think it hugs Russia, maybe?

MIKE JOHNSON

So-

KYLE GETZ

Like, this- These are- I- Very little, Mike. I think very little, because I’m so bad at geography.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. It doesn’t border Russia, but that’s okay. Um-

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

But it wasn’t- It’s eastern Europe and was an Eastern Bloc country. So, when the Soviet Union was chugging along, it was, like, Czechoslovakia. And, when it was Czechoslovakia, it was on the Soviet side of the equation. So I associate it with like conservative, backwards, like long ways to go when it comes to LGBT stuff, like Russia.

KYLE GETZ

Like Florida.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like Florida. And I- I’m surprised. So, the Czech Republic is the most progressive former Eastern Bloc country in regards to LGBT rights.

KYLE GETZ

Wow!

MIKE JOHNSON

They have had registered partnerships since 2006 for same sex couples, and the, uh- They don’t have same-sex marriage but same-sex marriage has been, like, discussed in-

KYLE GETZ

Decriminalized? Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] -in their legislature for a while. It went all the way…

KYLE GETZ

…Up?

MIKE JOHNSON

Parliament. Parliament- Parliament was discussing it this year- or, 2021, sorry. A couple years ago. They have laws against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, gender identity, and 80% of Czechs in a Pew Pew Pew Research Center [Kyle chuckles] poll thought that homosexuality should be accepted by society.

KYLE GETZ

Damn, that’s better than us.

MIKE JOHNSON

And that’s one of the highest rates among countries surveyed. And more than 67% of Czechs support legalization of same-sex marriage, as of 2020.

KYLE GETZ

Damn.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which, prior to 2015 when it was legalized by the Supreme Court, we had- our numbers were worse than that.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, but have gone up since then. They allow adoption regardless of sexual orientation and regardless of marital status, so gay people can adopt just fine in the Czech Republic. Transgender people are allowed to change gender, but they have to have surgery.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

But that’s still more progressive than a lot of-

KYLE GETZ

Many places, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-a lot of parts of the world. [clears throat] Looking at you, UK. [Kyle laughs] And, uh, LGBT people are allowed to serve in their military. Um, yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

If you had an area code for yourself, what would it be?

MIKE JOHNSON  

69.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I very much enjoy 69. Okay, I- Our friend Kelly, I went to her birthday and it was at a trivia bar and it was straight people trivia, and we were had this whole conversation about, like, “Is 69 good?”

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Do people actually like to 69?”

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

And the straight people seemed kind of divided on that. I’m like, “No, it’s amazing. What’s wrong with all of you?”

KYLE GETZ

Really? Huh! I would expect every gay person to be like “Yeah, that’s cool.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway…

KYLE GETZ

Huh. Mine would be… 811. Two holes, two sticks.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Great.

KYLE GETZ

Everyone mix.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Um… Should I tell you stuff?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, tell me stuff.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] I’m gonna tell you about bro culture in weed.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

So, weed- This-

MIKE JOHNSON

Brah.

KYLE GETZ

Brah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Brah. Hacky sacks and… um, white people dreadlocks, [Kyle laughs] and patchouli. Like, these are-

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. Absolutely. Um, have you heard “420 friendly”, like, on profiles?

MIKE JOHNSON

I’ve seen that. I’ve seen that before, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

There were a ton of articles that were like “What does ‘420 friendly’ mean?” and I was like… “Isn’t that obvious?” Do people need- I guess people ask that question, because it’s a website.

MIKE JOHNSON

It seems obvious.

KYLE GETZ

It seems obvious to me, right?

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Hm. Okay, bro culture. Weed. That means either you smoke weed- “420 friendly,” you smoke weed or you’re cool with people that do.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

On a dating profile.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Um, bro culture and weed. Uh, LGBT- One of the things that I think I mentioned last time, that is worth repeating when we talk about weed, is that LGBT activists were leaders in the fight to legalize it, in part because of AIDS/HIV.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Because the government did not give a shit about them and they needed to find their own ways to treat what they were going through. Marijuana was a useful thing, and they- One of their successes, they passed California’s- helped pass California’s Proposition 215 in ’96.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So, one of the- Sometimes people are like “Oh, yeah, LGBT people lead the way in that!” and sometimes I’m like “Did they really, or do we just want to- Are we just trying to give us credit for so-” You know, like, that seems like a cool, PC thing to say, but it’s like, I want to know, like- Okay, then tell me. Help me, like, get to why that’s true. And, in this case, because of AIDS, it like very much is true and is connected. So-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Do you feel like that? Do you sometimes feel like people are, like, pandering to be like… “This group has led the way?”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um.. some- I mean, sometimes, obviously. And I think, also sometimes, or most of the time, it’s just true.

KYLE GETZ

And then it ends up being true, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? Yeah. Like, “Did you know that this group, that you don’t think would be good, was?” [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. That’s very true. That’s very true.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh no, Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh no, I think I just sound dumb.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, nearly 14% of people working in the cannabis industry are LGBT.

MIKE JOHNSON  

My pot store’s LGBT-owned.

KYLE GETZ

Really?!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s awesome. Oh, I’ll talk a little bit more about ownership. There, I think, are a lot of- And do you, like, notice seemingly gay people that work there?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, and the progress pride flag is, like, in the window, and it’s pretty great.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Apparently, there are a decent number of gay people in the industry, but then a lot of them are the ones that are the lower wage people that are working with desk, or, like, not at the executive level.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So- Oh, that survey that said that was done by Vangst, a cannabis industry recruiting platform.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hm!

KYLE GETZ

There are so many weed-based things. Like, when I was looking it up, there so many- Like, the weed industry is like fucking booming.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Everything- There was, like, this weed magazine, or this weed-specific advertising firm, or this weed-specific this thing…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Because of all the places it’s legal, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

It’s new. [Mike chuckles] We need a lot- It puts money into the economy. Anyway, Kassia Graham, who is the director of community strategy for Cannaclusive, a cannabis advocacy and marketing firm- Because that’s a thing, based in Brooklyn, New York. [Mike chuckles] Kassia’s also black and nonbinary. They didn’t use their pronouns, so I’m gonna use- they/them is what I’ll default to. Kassia says, quote, “Cannabis revolves around bro culture,” “Even within the queer community, there’s still lots of white, cis people at the helm.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So that makes sense to me that there are limited people at the executive level, and those that are would be the gay cis white men.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. For sure. That’s the, like- We get- You know, we get one pass. You’re allowed- These days, you’re allowed to be a cis gay white man, and that’s more accepted than any other identity or if you have something plus, you know, some other, you know, identity.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Also, LGBT is not the only issue. According to Marijuana Business Daily… Every fucking brand. [Mike laughs] I’m like, sure. Marijuana Business Daily says that women account for just 22% of executive positions, which… should be 50, so we’re- and racial and ethnic minorities make up 13%.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

KYLE GETZ

So, they’re- They’re- Like, seeing all of those numbers that, again, not one of them- Like, they’re all numbers we hear, you know, even just general industry, so it’s not that surprising, but also reinforced that, like, okay, that would make sense then if the people that are getting the money from this are bros, or like finance bros, or, like, you know, straight stoner bros, or something.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, do you think- So, tying that to bro culture is really interesting to me.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, it sort of implies, in a way, that, like- On the one hand it’s privilege, and that’s what you’re touching on, but also, like… bros took over marijuana because bros are pot smokers. Right? Like, it’s part of- Is- Is it part of bro culture to get high?

KYLE GETZ  

I- I guess so. I think there’s a stoner bro culture.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So I think there’s at least a subset of that. Like, I think, you know, bros could do a lot of things. Like, you know, like, there’s like fratty bros and there’s gym bros, and sometimes they overlap but sometimes they’re like different kinds of bros. I think, like, “stoner bro” is one of them.

MIKE JOHNSON

Skaters.

KYLE GETZ

And I think stoner bro- Like, a white stoner bro, then it is more acceptable for certain groups in our society than a black person smoking weed.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, we then place our stereotypes and biases on people and “Oh, it’s just a-” It’s nonthreatening when it’s a straight white dude.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So that’s the group that I’m imagining, that are kind of running this.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then- And then use it to put a bunch of black people in jail.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

MIKE JOHNSON

Despite not hurting anybody.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep. Um, I mean, part of the- I really like the- The place that I go to, you can select- 5% of your spend is donated, and you can select, and I always pick the Last Prisoner Project because if- Like, legalizing weed needs to come with lots of pardons for people that – especially black people – that are in prison for weed, for nonviolent drug offenses that should- Like, now this shit is legal and we’re talking about it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, no one should be in prison for it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

It’s legal. Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, that- Unfortunately, I don’t know that that’s gonna come along with legalization, but it should.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Anywhomsles, uh, Weedmap, which is a website, had a 2021 cannabis in America report that found that-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I it a map of where the weed is?

KYLE GETZ  

Weedmaps? Um, I think they have info on, like, different local, like, shops.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Looks like Amazon.

KYLE GETZ  

Amazon for weed?

MIKE JOHNSON

For weed!

KYLE GETZ

Wow, that’s a great- That’s a great logline, right there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

“Amazon for weed.” Um… In their survey, more than a third of people said they wanted to shop with an LGBTQ-owned cannabis business.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

So people are looking- Which, it’s cool that you have one, so you know for sure that you’re doing that. People want to, but only 13 percentage of- 13% of people know if their cannabis retailer is LGBT or not.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Which, I don’t know, actually. Like, as I was writing that I was like “Oh, that’s-” I don’t know if my place is LGBTQ-owned. I know they’re the more- Like, they’re not the big corporation. They’re, like, the smaller kind of shop that also donates money, so I like them a lot.

MIKE JOHNSON  

But then, I’m also gonna bet… It’s Seattle, there’s probably fuckin’ pride flags everywhere.

KYLE GETZ

Yes, there’s pride flags. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like you, basically- Like, you just have to do that, as a business here in this- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

That’s true. Even Uncle Ike’s, the big corporation one that I try to avoid, throws up so many pride flags. Like, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

Um… so, I will- Maybe I will figure out who are the owners of this shop. That’s something I should do, and maybe more of us should do if you buy illegally.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m also realizing that I’m just taking their sign’s word for it. When it says “LGBT-owned business” on a sign in there I just assumed that- Why would they lie about that?

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. Oh, owned! Yeah, not just hanging flags, saying you’re LGBT-owned. Yeah, I think that’s fair. Like, that would be some major deception. That’d be really shitty, manipulative people that I think is- Like, that’s on them, not you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Republicans!

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Um, so, apparently-

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause they love money [chuckles] more than they’re more than their values. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] That’s- I mean, I know we make fun of Republi- Ugh, fuck them. That’s fine. You’re attacking the trans community, fuck off. Apparently, we have a very big purchasing power so we are worth marketing towards. This is one of those times where it’s like, it sucks. Some people care about money more than their values, so sometimes you have to give the numbers to help convince people to care about our rights.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And that’s a shitty order to have to do things in, but sometimes it just works, so here it is. Uh, 2016 estimates from LGBT Capital – that in… capital, it’s a proper noun – puts global purchasing power, the global purchasing power of the queer community, at 5.4 trillion. And, of that, US and Canada- How much of that is US and Canada?

MIKE JOHNSON  

92%.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Not that much. 20%. Over 1 trillion of it is estimated to be from the US and Canada.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. ‘Kay.

KYLE GETZ

That’s a shit-ton of money that- And, we don’t even- It’s not even legal in every state here, so, like, that’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a growth market.

KYLE GETZ

It’s a growth- [Mike chuckles] It is definitely a growth market, and once things- Do you- I just see, like, we are going to legalize eventually, it’s just a matter of when. Do you feel that way too?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, if you’d asked me before we started debating whether it was okay for drag queens to exist-

KYLE GETZ

That’s true.

MIKE JOHNSON

-I would’ve said “For sure.” It just- Everything feels like it’s going backwards at a high rate of speed right now, and so I have- I had more optimism about the legalization of marijuana… not, like, a year ago.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s true. That’s a good point, Mike. I was feeling too good for a second, and you helped me bring me down. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Gayish. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

I appreci- I needed that. I needed someone to ground me in the muck that is reality.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, so thank you. Um, I agree, anything that, like- Like I said, like, it’s gonna go to the Supreme Court. Anything now that’s, like, gonna go to the Supreme Court, it’s like “Oh, well, fuck.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s not great right now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Not great right now. Clarence Thomas-

KYLE GETZ  

Man, he shouldn’t be there anymore.

MIKE JOHNSON

Man- [chuckles] Man, he should not.

KYLE GETZ

Man, so much of what he did should be illegal.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Or is and he-

KYLE GETZ

Or is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Or, he won’t- Yeah, but they- He won’t suffer consequences.

KYLE GETZ  

Because Republicans don’t care as long as you’re a Republican.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

[sighs] Um, anyhow- So, part of- You know, like, we were talking about just places that just put up pride flags and you’re just, like- In Seattle, that’s the price of doing business. You just have to- It’s assumed that you have to- Anyway, I think LGBT people are also starting to catch on to some of that, and, you know, that’s not enough. We want to look a little bit deeper. Anyway, so, out of 4000 respondents, they were asked how they felt about corporates that advertise- corporations that advertise to the LGBT community, and the percentage that felt positively towards that- 15% feel positively- feel very positively when companies do pride-themed ad campaigns. That number jumps to over 40% for companies that advertise on a regular basis, not just during pride month.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm, okay.

KYLE GETZ

So I liked that difference, that big increase that there is if we know you support us year-round and not just during June.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. No-

KYLE GETZ

That should be important. That’s a big distinction.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That makes sense, yeah. It’s the- How sincere are you when July 1st is when you, like, roll back your logo as quickly as you can?

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. Yep. How sincere are you? I like that. Because you can still mean it during Pride month, but is that embedded into your core values? Like, how much do you care? How much are you talking about it outside of that month? Those all matter.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So yeah, I wrote down a link to brands that support- that are LGBT-owned and I didn’t write down any of the names on my actual paper.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm. Okay. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So, I don’t know what’s on this link because I print out my paper. [sound of paper flapping]

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

So I’m not gonna read this link, but I’ll give to Derek the link so that we can post on Instagram the LGBT-owned brands.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. Excellent. …Follow the link, everybody. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Click on it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, God, Kyle, what have we done? I don’t have anything more.

KYLE GETZ  

Are we- Did we finish?

MIKE JOHNSON

420.

KYLE GETZ

Wow. I feel like we should be talking more about it. What’s your- What’s your personal marijuana use?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Rarely, and usually in edible form. Smoking it is just- First of all, I quit smoking and it was like the hardest thing that I have ever done. And I… just nervous about inhaling anything.

KYLE GETZ

Any kinda- Huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Or like I have weird PTSD flashbacks to smoking cigarettes. It just- Eh. And, it is so harsh. Like someone in our life [both chuckle] used to say, you don’t get off until you cough.

KYLE GETZ

Oh yeah. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s just- Like, it feels like your lungs are on fire. Like, why sign up for that? No amount of fun is worth that.

KYLE GETZ  

You do, like, figure that- You’d get used to that and know how to do it a little bit more.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ehh.

KYLE GETZ

It’s not always horrible.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thank God for vape pens, that’s make it a lot easier than, like, inhaling burning leaves. But-

KYLE GETZ  

That, I fear, would lead more to actual, like, vaping, like, of nicotine than other things.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hm. Maybe.

KYLE GETZ

I hate- Like, you mentioned up front, like, we were trained. I went through D.A.R.E. in Texas where I thought that if you do a drug once it’s the same as doing them all. Like they are all on a equal footing of “All drug bad.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Which fucked with my brain about what drugs to use and “What’s the difference?” and “What’s a sometimes, and what’s a never, like, drug?” So, I don’t know. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

How about you? What’s your… you know?

KYLE GETZ  

I- It’s also rare for me. I think, during the pandemic, I like used weed way too much and then, at a certain point, I was like “Ahh, I’m just doing this because I don’t want to feel stuff.” So I had- I feel like I’m in the process of like unlearning a lot of things that I picked up during COVID.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

So, I’m- That, and alcohol use, I’m trying to like cut back on and be a reasonable human, and I think I’m still in that. Like, Joe Biden says the pandemic is over so, like, no one- I don’t know. People don’t talk about some of these lasting effects.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And I think this is one of those lasting effects that I’m working through, of not needing stuff to just numb out everything.

MIKE JOHNSON

For sure.

KYLE GETZ

And I’ve had to, like, wean myself off. So it’s rare. It is- Like, on the scale of what bad things I could do to numb things out, it’s not the worst thing. I might just do it, sit at home, and like eat too much food.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Like, which, on the scale of bad things, that’s- you know, you can come back from that. So, like, I don’t know. It still is, like, I think, for me, not a super healthy thing to do with any kind of regularity. So yeah, very rare.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, not opposed? You’re not like-

KYLE GETZ  

No, no. Fully support legalization, full legalization, and release of prisoners who are in jail because of it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s like impossible to overdose on, and it’s not like everybody like gets high and then jumps behind the wheel of a car and drives out. Like, they just want to sit on their couch and eat nachos.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

God, I want nachos so bad right now.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo!

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, anyway, so- But yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Derek.

MIKE JOHNSON

What? No. No, don’t put that on him.

KYLE GETZ  

…Get us nachos. [chuckles] [Mike laughs] I’ll pay you double. I will pay you any amount of money for nachos. Um, from the Gayish account. Um, yeah, legalize it. What were we talking about?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, legalize it. It’s safe, that’s the thing.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, alcohol- The- Just-

KYLE GETZ  

It’s more dangerous. Or, less dangerous than alcohol.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s worse for your body, it causes more like car crashes than anything, and people get violent, and you have to listen to their stories. Like, just-

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] I don’t know, sometimes when you get high you have to listen to people’s stories, but they’re like rambling stories that they don’t know where they started.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right? Gayish. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Is that it?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. We confirm, like, that the stereotype is gay, and… it is.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It is.

KYLE GETZ

That’s the- That’s the final verdict?

MIKE JOHNSON

Although, 420 itself… nothing to do with gay people. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, oh, yes, just the weed part. 420… [chuckling] well, there’s one connection and that’s to the Czech Republic.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Right.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, okay, I think we did it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great! Okay, so should we take a break?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, let’s take a break.

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s take a break.

KYLE GETZ

Break.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

KYLE GETZ  

You said- You’ve said you get quiet when you get high.

MIKE JOHNSON

I do get quiet when I get high.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you for not doing that on our podcast, where we talk.

MIKE JOHNSON

I try. I’m trying. Are we back?

KYLE GETZ

We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] We’re back!

KYLE GETZ

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first, hey!

KYLE GETZ

Hey.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hey!

KYLE GETZ

Hey.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re going on tour.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

we’re doing our 6th anniversary tour, and, finally, the shit is, like, for reals now.

KYLE GETZ

Locked in.

MIKE JOHNSON

For realsingtons.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, you can write these down. All of this is listed at gayishpodcast.com/live, and you can get tickets off of our Eventbrite. But here’s the- Here’s the what we’re doing, and a couple of these are different than what I said before, so just pretend I didn’t say it before.

KYLE GETZ

Brand new information to you.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m saying it now.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sunday, June the 4th, at 7pm in New York City we will be at The Spot, which is a gay bar in Hell’s Kitchen. Friday, June 23rd, at 3pm we will be in Seattle, Washington at the Hula Hula. That’s a collaboration with Derek and Romaine. It’s gonna be magical.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Saturday, July 29th, at 1pm we will be in Chicago, Illinois at Sidetrack there in Boystown, Northalsted neighborhood. Sunday, August the 13th, at 1pm in San Francisco, California at OASIS. Sunday, September 10th, at 4pm Pacific in Los Angeles, California at Akbar, in the Silver Lake neighborhood. And Sunday, October 15th, at 12:30pm we’ll be in Houston, Texas at [in a high-pitched voice] KIKI. And I can’t not say [high-pitched] “KIKI”, [Kyle laughs] which is a newer venue that’s attached to BUDDY’S, if you know where that is, in Montrose. So come- Come see us.

KYLE GETZ  

It’s gonna be a lot of fun. We’re gonna do… I don’t know, just our show. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And you should come see it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep! Come see it.

KYLE GETZ

Nnn…

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna- I’m not gonna do Local Gay Bar Review, I’m too stoned.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay. [in a singsong voice] Local Stoned Mike Review.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Uh…

KYLE GETZ

Very. I’ll rate you as “very”.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Ver-” Oh. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

That’s my Mike Gay Stoned Review.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You win.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Gayest & Straightest?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, no. Our website is gayishpodcast.com.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] You can find our Discord, Instagram, Spaces, all the things, at gayishpodcast.com/contact.

MIKE JOHNSON

Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474.

KYLE GETZ

Got it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Standard rates apply.

KYLE GETZ

Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.

MIKE JOHNSON

And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. HMU. Umm, Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON

Now Gayest & Straightest!

KYLE GETZ

Great. I’ll go, because I’ve been eager, I guess.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

Um, my straightest is: going to the Optimism brewery here in Seattle, where it is- I think it’s like people that play board games and then straight couples that go on dates.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. That checks out.

KYLE GETZ

And they, like, serve beer. They have- Their whole thing is they have all this beer on tap.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, just a very straight- Just a straight venue. The gayest is checking out all the straight bros that were there.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

There were so many hot ones. I feel bad for the person I was with, because I kept looking around at all the, like, hot straight bros. So it was like “No, I’m focused.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Aw.

KYLE GETZ

“I’m paying attention. I’m here. I’m with you.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. And the fact that they’re not paying attention to you makes it- [Kyle laughs] makes you even hornier.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, true. See our episodes on assholes. Uh, what about you?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, the straightest thing about me this week is not caring about the RuPaul finale.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, right.

MIKE JOHNSON

Paid zero attention. Did not-

KYLE GETZ  

You even asked, like, “Is there something going on?” [Mike chuckles] Someone was like “I’m here,” and-

MIKE JOHNSON

One of our friends [unintelligible] and I was like “Yeah,” and he was just like “What?”

KYLE GETZ

I also- To be fair, I did not know it was the finale either.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. And I don’t know who won, and don’t want to look that up either.

KYLE GETZ  

Someone said their name to me because I was like “Oh, just tell me who won so I, like, have a social touchstone with other people that are into this,” and I forgot.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, the gayest thing about me this week: I was at the pharmacy picking up some pills yesterday and I was just staring out the window at this boy’s ass in these pants. [Kyle chuckles] He was waiting at the crosswalk. He was with a couple of other straight bros. I think they were all straight, except, maybe not. I don’t know. But this boy’s jeans were painted on him, and his booty- All of a sudden, I hear “Sir, can I help you!?” [laughs] The pharmacist tried to get my attention. I was, like, holding up the line.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s a lot.

MIKE JOHNSON

That boy’s aaaass.

KYLE GETZ

Ass. Ass, ass, ass, ass. Um, I have a listener’s Gayest & Straightest. Every week, Derek, our production assistant, posts a question to Instagram to get you to post your Gayest & Straightest there, and you can follow other people there. So, follow us @gayishpodcast. But one of the gayests that I really liked: “I listened to a Love Is Blind podcast. I could feel myself getting dumber by the minute.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, you can.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Don’t listen to that podcast, listen to ours. And, what’s your straightest? Someone said that they saw an ad for Death Do Us Part… Anything? Uh-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I love that show.

KYLE GETZ  

You like the documentary featuring Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker?

MIKE JOHNSON

No.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] [Mike chuckles] That’s the one they were talking about. They saw an ad for Death Do Us Part Kourtney & Travis and had “no clue what I was looking at.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ

I kind of- I saw that on Hulu and I kind of want to watch that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, well, do it and let me know.

KYLE GETZ  

She got- She got together with the Blink-182 guy. Isn’t that crazy?!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. And he died, right?

KYLE GETZ

No. He’s alive.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Are we sure?

KYLE GETZ  

Did he die?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I don’t know!

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god, did he die?! [both chuckle] Hold on. “Is Travis Barker dead?” No. Okay. Everybody, [both chuckle] calm down. He’s still alive.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Because then I was like, oh [quietly] “’Til Death Do Us Part”, then maybe he did die.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s over. [chuckles] They parted. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

You parted. No. Nope, still live. We’re all good. Anyway, um… that is it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, that’s it. A special thank you to the Waldos for giving us 420. 420 Louis.

KYLE GETZ  

Thank you to… all the queer people that are in upper level management positions in the weed industry. I guess and in lower level positions, I don’t know why- And all gay people. And everyone. Thank you, everyone.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thank you for the weed, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] No problem. [Mike chuckles] Sorry, everybody. I also want to thank our following Super Gap Bridgers: Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Waddu, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, and… Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] That’s it. This has been Gayish. From the Chris Khachatourians, I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be high… Be bi. Bye.

MIKE JOHNSON

Bye. [both chuckle]

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

MIKE JOHNSON

[sighs]

KYLE GETZ  

How’re you feelin’?

MIKE JOHNSON

A little high. I don’t know the difference between CBD and THC-

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

-to know if I’m actually gonna get high.

KYLE GETZ  

It might- 5 milligrams is pretty small for THC.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t think CBD…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Should I do more? [chuckles] This is also a problem. Like, sometimes I go back and do more and then I sleep in the Jeep. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Give it- Well, that- Up to you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

And, given you said one of the risks is you want to go sleep in your Jeep, and we have to record a podcast, I would- I would be less comfortable if you did another one. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. Let’s do it! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

You’re gonna do it?! Oh no, please stay awake, Mike!

MIKE JOHNSON  

I will.

KYLE GETZ

You could, like, do half of it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Half of it! You could do the other half.

KYLE GETZ  

I could.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you want to?

KYLE GETZ

No. [sound of Mike opening packaging] Oh no.

DEREK TELLIN

What is it?

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a truffle.

DEREK TELLIN

Oh…

KYLE GETZ

It is… a hybrid cookies and cream truffle.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Mmm. Mmm, it tastes like magic. Okay, ready.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Good news, now I have the outro easter egg done. That was fun.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. [chuckles]

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]

Gayish: 328 Farming

In this surprisingly deep episode, we talk about the stories of queer farmers, sustainable farming, lesbian farmers, why there’s no farming gayta, and how to date as a farmer.

In this episode: News- 1:13 || Main Topic (Farming)- 13:04 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:12:03

We’re doing a 6-city live show tour! This year, we’ll be going to New York City, Seattle, Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Houston. See the tour dates and buy tickets at www.gayishpodcast.com/live.

On the weekly bonus Patreon segment, we talk about why farming apps like Stardew Valley are addictive and whether they’re targeted to gay people. Get bonus audio, video, and other great benefits by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ  

The podcast that has fallen on hard mimes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh- M- Uh- Are they allowed to scream?

KYLE GETZ  

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

No?

KYLE GETZ

It just sounds like… [silence]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON

And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And, today…

KYLE GETZ

Today we’re talking about farming!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re talking about farmin’!

KYLE GETZ

Farmin’.

MIKE JOHNSON

Farmin’… [Kyle chuckles] E-I-E-I-O!

KYLE GETZ  

Great. Beautiful.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s great.

KYLE GETZ

Um, but first…

MIKE JOHNSON  

But first… here’s the news. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

Just- That was abrupt. That was abrupt.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, do we wan- We can dally around in this area.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Mm, it’s fine.

KYLE GETZ  

What’s been goin’ on, Mike?

MIKE JOHNSON

No, it’s fine.

KYLE GETZ

No no, what’s- No, tell me! [chuckles] [Mike laughs] Tell me now, what’s been going on?

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna do some news stories.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, on Friday, a federal appeals court ruled that an Indiana school district did not violate a former music teachers rights by forcing him to resign. He was forced to resign because he was refusing to use the names of his trans students.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

The Seventh US Circuit Court of Appeals is upholding a prior judge’s ruling here. Um, but-

KYLE GETZ  

You can’t bully your students. Like, that- That’s what- If you don’t use their proper name, you’re, like, bullying a child.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, well, and- So, of course it’s religion, right? Like, that’s what he’s- That’s what he’s claiming. In 2014, he started teaching music and orchestra at Brownsburg High School, which is northwest of Indianapolis, and teachers were instructed to use the pronouns and names that were listed in the school’s official student database. Parents and doctors could be used to change the pronouns and names in said database. They- When that happened, he said “No.” He said that his “Christian religious beliefs” prevented him from acting in compliance with that school policy and-

KYLE GETZ

Boy, you should find a different job then.

MIKE JOHNSON

-that he had “religious objections” to using trans students’ names and pronouns. So, there was this, like- this fucked up like compromise position where – remember, this is orchestra [Kyle chuckles] – he got around it for a little while by only using their last names.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So he wouldn’t use pronouns at all, he would just use their last names like they were a fucking football team.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, foot- Playing football in Texas, everyone called me [doing a gruff voice] “Getz”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

[doing a gruff voice] “Getz, play sports better! Getz!”

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so… Yeah, so they rolled out this policy that they had to use what was in the database, and he asked officials whether the rule would apply to him. [Kyle snorts] They responded that he could either abide by it, resign, or be fired. In response, he resigned and sued. So, in its ruling, the court noted that district officials tried to consider his religious objection but realize that using last names by the music teacher disrupted the learning environment. And the court found that students felt disrespected, targeted, and dehumanized.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Like, it’s not- If someone was just naturally doing that that’d be one thing, but they know what they’re- They know what he’s doing. Like, it’s-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, and apparently he also was, like, not doing that some of the time for some of the students.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, anyway, the court said- The court said “No,” that does not violate your religious freedoms, you dickbag fuckface asshole.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But that means the next step is the Supreme Court.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, wow!

MIKE JOHNSON

Soooo…. we’ll see how that goes!

KYLE GETZ

God. Oh, boy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Fuck those people.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, okay, next- News the second. So there is a popular gay couple on Russian TikTok…

KYLE GETZ

Okay, that’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

…and they have been arrested-

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and charged with violating their anti-LGBTQ+ laws.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah…

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s happening this week. Russian Gela Gogishvili… Gonna go with that.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

…Uh, 23, told Newsweek that he and his Chinese national boyfriend, Haoyang Xu, who’s 21, were arrested by police in the city of Kazan on Wednesday and charged under a series of Russian laws that include a ban on the positive depiction of LGBTQ+ persons in media.

KYLE GETZ

Good for them- Like, that sucks that they have to be the person, but good for- I’m always so impressed by people like, that that are like “I know I could definitely go down for this.” And it’s, like, the Russian government, so like who knows what the fuck would happen but, like, that’s awesome.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, and apparently their TikTok channel was popular. There’s over 370,000 followers and over 65,000 subscribers. Because, in TikTok, I guess, followers and subscribers are different things. Different-

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

Different numbers. Rate, review, rubscribe, and recommend, everybody. [Kyle laughs] Um, Gogishvili was released because he’s a Russian national but Haoyang remains in a Russian jail and is facing the threat of deportation… immediately.

KYLE GETZ

Ugh. Ugh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, the way all of this went down- So, they said, in a video posted to their YouTube channel week before last, that their lives were crazy and they learned that they were under investigation for promoting their life as a gay couple on social media. Xu learned one of the teachers at the university where he is a student received a warning from the police about the content of their social media. They said “‘You can’t behave like that’ and ‘you need to follow the law of Russia and the traditional values of the country,’” “After that, I was very scared.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah…

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, so then they said that the police started looking for them in March. They visited pharmacies across the city, with a picture of Gogishvili, who was employed as a pharmacist. They also claim police were able to send a message to them via the messaging program WhatsApp.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god. Getting a WhatsApp message from the police?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s scary.

MIKE JOHNSON  

They were told that they had been charged under the anti-LGBTQ+ laws but only needed to sign some papers and pay a fine. They left them the option of visiting the police station or having an unarmed police officer come to their home. The two men said that they were suspicious because they’d been subjected to hate and abuse in recent years, so they told the police they would “think about it”. On Wednesday, the police stopped the couple at a museum. They were at a museum with friends. They took Xu back to the apartment to retrieve his passport and visa, took the pair to the local police station, they were questioned. Gogishvili said police tried to force the couple to sign papers admitting their guilt, but they refused. And, apparently, their- their supporters- their social media- their TikTok- What’s the- Like, “I watch TikTok”? “I consume TikTok.” “I”-

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, a Tokfellow?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Like- Yeah, a Tokfellow.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, their Tokfellows freaked out and so they released- they released Gogishvili and- but, um-

KYLE GETZ  

Because- [laughs] Because their fans freaked out? That’s a bad reason to releas-

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s- That’s what The Advocate article claims, anyway.

KYLE GETZ  

Huh. That’s a bad reason to relea- [chuckles] I mean, I’m not- I’m happy for them, but that’s a bad reason to release someone from prison.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep! Anyway, they’re expected to appear in court later today, so something may have happened.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, probably already has happened, it’s just not been reported yet. By the time this goes to the air, for sure has happened. Gogishvili said, quote, “I’m holding in tears because I don’t have time to cry right now.”

KYLE GETZ

Oh, God. That’s so sad.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. If they’re convicted, immediate fines and Xu would be immediately deported probably. So…

KYLE GETZ

[sighs] That’s rough.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Anyway, fuck you, Russia!

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, fuck Russia for so many reasons.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Uh, news the last. So- First of all, Easter eggs are the drag queens of the dairy world, and-

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Okay. Okay, okay. I just needed a second to get there. [Mike laughs] Okay. I think I’m with ya.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, for Easter, in WeHo yesterday, there were 1000s of demonstrators in colorful outfits in a march of solidarity with drag queens and other LGBTQ+ individuals who right-wing extremist policies across the country have been attacking lately! They called it their “first annual Drag March” and, uh, yeah. It’s- The pictures are adorable. There’s, of course, you know, shitloads of drag queens, and lots of just very queer people, and colors, and glitter, and just- It’s what- I think Jesus would approve.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

He is risen. Let’s party. [Kyle laughs] Also, in San Francisco, they always have the Hunky Jesus contest-

KYLE GETZ  

What?!

MIKE JOHNSON

-on Sundays. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I’ve not heard of that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

A fraternity brother of mine went to that, and knows the guy that won, apparently.

KYLE GETZ

Huh!

MIKE JOHNSON

He’s won many years in a row. Anyway-

KYLE GETZ  

I went as gay Jesus, one Halloween.

MIKE JOHNSON

I bet you were good at it.

KYLE GETZ

I cut my robe real short. Like, lil shorty robe.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. And-

KYLE GETZ

Crown of thorns hurts, man.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, I think it’s the point… [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

It was very- It was- I got a plastic one that was a little too tight, so it legitimately hurt me. I was like “I know what Jesus went through.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] Of the two of us, You’re the Jesus-y one. Um-

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Thanks.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Uh, California Democratic State Senator Scott Wiener attended the event, spoke to everybody. He’s been out since the early 90s and he said, quote, “If you had said to me that in 2023 we would still have to be arguing about whether we have a right to exist — that they would still be calling us pedophiles and predators and groomers — if you had told me that, I would’ve said, ‘there’s no way that in 2023, that’s what would be happening.’” “They don’t want to talk about the fact that children are getting shot and killed in classrooms in this country. They don’t want to talk about the fact that so many people are dying of drug overdoses because of lack of access to health care. They don’t want to talk about the climate emergency or income inequality or any of the real issues that are facing our country.” “What do they want to talk about?” “That drag queens and trans people are somehow the biggest threat to this country. That’s what they want to talk about.”

KYLE GETZ  

Because they’re the ones that are causing all the other shit, so they can’t talk about- Like, they get too much money from gun- like the NRA and gun lobbyists to, like- They can’t- They gotta turn the focus on something else and, unfortunately, I think it’s working for them.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah… Fuck. Fuck, Kyle, I wanted happy drag queens marching to be like the positive anchor story for the news today! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Aw, shit! I mean, it’s- The idea that our- Our community has been through shit, and will continue to go through shit, and will always come together, and work together, and fight for our rights because we’re the ones that have each other’s backs. Like, that’s- That’s something you could depend on from the LGBT community.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You know what else you can depend on, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ

Uhh, Depends.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m depending on them right now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckles] Yep. Also… [Kyle makes a strained sound] don’t fuck with drag queens.

KYLE GETZ  

Don’t fuck with drag queens, man!

MIKE JOHNSON

Fuck around and find out!

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, that’s the news.

KYLE GETZ

That’s the news! Um, speaking of the most beautiful people I know, I want to thank the following-

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m right here, Kyle!

KYLE GETZ

I want to thank Michael Johnson, my beautiful co-host! [both chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yaaayy!

KYLE GETZ

And no one else.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Um, but also some subpar people to throw in [chuckles] as well. Uh, Lindsay Rae Barnes… You have three names like a serial killer.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, Thomas Robertson-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, Barnes! Barnes on the farming episode!

KYLE GETZ

Barnes! [gasp]

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Did you plan that?

KYLE GETZ  

Nnnnn- Yesss.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Uh, Thomas Robertson… You know, like… sons? People’s sons work on farms.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

[gasps] Crazy coincidence. And also, Kevin loves Danny Carrillo.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Okay, Kevin.

KYLE GETZ

I think you owe us $25 for 100 words there. [chuckles] [Mike laughs] I think you can’t sneak the secret messages into your username.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Did you just “Bob Wehadababyitsaboy” [both laugh] your collect call?

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. Yes. Umm, anyway, no. Kevin, that was very smart and we hope that Danny Carrillo loves you back. If you want to join our Patreon, get bonus content, episodes, you know just support us, a lot of shit, then go to patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

MIKE JOHNSON  

While we’re in the Patreon section, I posted a message to Patreon to clarify that the discount code for the live show tour is gonna go up on May 1st so just be patient.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, you will get specific code to any of the six shows that we are doing this year, discount code. You can use it at any time to get a discount on your tickets.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep!

KYLE GETZ

So, yay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Do you wanna talk about farming?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Let’s talk about farming. So, I’m gonna open this up-

KYLE GETZ  

No, I am.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay.

KYLE GETZ

This Urban Dictionary-

MIKE JOHNSON

See how- See how easy that was?

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Okay, this Urban Dictionary term had zero upvotes and one downvote-

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

-and it is “Gay Farmer”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

The definition is: “A Jolly Rancher”. [Mike laughs] That’s my Urban Dictionary section.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, now back to you, Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

Awesome.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] First, maybe something substantial. I also- Oh, on the Patreon segment, I will share with you what “gay farming”- their definition for “gay farming”. It’s nasty.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] It’s nasty?

KYLE GETZ

It’s nasty.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, we’ll- That’s- We’re gonna hold that for the Patreon segment, but go ahead. What do you got, Mike?

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Okay, great. [Kyle laughs] Um, so-

KYLE GETZ

I’m done for this episode, by the way. That’s all I had for this episode. It’s all you.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean…

KYLE GETZ

I’m chillin’.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s done.

KYLE GETZ

It’s done.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. It’s our show, we can do what we want.

KYLE GETZ

Alley-oop.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, so, like, obviously not gonna talk about the history of farming. I think it’s been around for… ever.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

What is missing from the history of farming is, like a lot of other parts of history, queer people.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s very, very difficult for me to find anything that had to do with, like, gay queer people in a farming context-

KYLE GETZ

Huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-with one exception. [Kyle gasps] One of the earliest written defenses of gay people was found in a farmer’s diary from January of 1810. So there was a- There was a naval surgeon that was being executed for sodomy, and he wrote in his journal “It appears a paradox to me, how men, who are men, shou’d possess such a passion; and more particularly so, if it is their nature from childhood (as I am informed it is) – If they feel such an inclination, and propensity, at that certain time of life when youth genders [and develops] into manhood; it must then be considered as natural otherwise, as a defect in nature […] it seems cruel to punish that defect with death.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

So, anyway- So-

KYLE GETZ

When was that from?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, 1810.

KYLE GETZ

1810…

MIKE JOHNSON

January of 1810, he wrote his journal.

KYLE GETZ

Damn! That’s pretty early.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, super-duper early. And Matthew Tomlinson was his name, he was a farmer from West Yorkshire in northern England. Anyway, that’s like one of the first examples of somebody writing out their thoughts about why maybe we shouldn’t kill gay people. Anyway-

KYLE GETZ  

Should I just, like, journal more, in case something I have to say is relevant and, like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

No, that’s what we’re doing now!

KYLE GETZ  

Ohhhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

The internet is forever.

KYLE GETZ

That’s true.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, I’m doin’- I’m actively doing it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And it’s only a matter of time before we’re cancelled for everything that we’ve said.

KYLE GETZ

Before someone cares- Oh. [both chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, but then, you also usually talk about gayta, which you informed me in the production meeting, because we have those, that you don’t have gayta. And here’s maybe why.

KYLE GETZ

Wow, kind of calling me out.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well… but here’s maybe why: no definitive figures measure how many LGBTQ people farm in America. The USDA, the US Department of Agriculture, asks respondents to identify their sex in its five year Census, but not their sexual orientation or gender identity. The Department is considering adding those questions to the 2027 Census. It conducted a pilot study, in late 2021, to gauge whether their inclusion would affect response rates. What do you think happened?

KYLE GETZ

They went up.

MIKE JOHNSON

Responses significantly decreased-

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-when those questions were added, despite the survey’s confidentiality. The study lacked possible explanations for that finding, but I’m curious what you think is going on.

KYLE GETZ  

Is that, like, your family’s there like watching over you or something? Like…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I mean-

KYLE GETZ  

Or you’re worried, even if it says it’s confidential, you’re like worried by just like writing it down that someone actually will know and they can trace your handwriting or, like, they- like, the government is gonna… you know, is actually tracking this and has a list of people? Like, I wonder if there’s paranoia.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, uh, maybe? I think that there’s- There’s likely some of that, right? Like, I don’t have the answers either, but I’m gonna guess- Having grown up in that environment, I’m going to guess that it is a combination of paranoia and a combination of the power of self-deception.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, writing shit down makes it real.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm…

MIKE JOHNSON

And a lot of that life, that existence, is denial of reality. [chuckles] Um, and living this carefully constructed version of yourself that fits in.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And we’re gonna talk a lot more about that…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

…uh, comin’ up. Anyway, that’s- But, like, apparently, we’ve just not been actually studying or like collecting the data for how many people out there are queer. There was one researcher, who did a cross reference with a couple of national databases to figure out which married couples were same-sex married couples.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

So we have some data on same-sex couples that own farms, but it’s not very good data.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, that’s rough because you can be a opposite-gender couple and someone’s bi or someone’s trans. Like, there’s- There’s a million reasons that undercounts- But it makes sense, like, at a minimum, like you at least get something rather than nothing. I can see that. As long as you then factor in- The downside of having a, like, any kind of number is, like, then that’s the number just people grab on to.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Even if you’re like “Ah, this isn’t totally accurate. Here’s what we have,” then people just latch on to that number, and I see this all the time when using data. It’s, like- Sometimes I tell like my clients or whatever like “I will not give you this information, because it’s wr- it’s so off.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

It’s like… “And I know you say that you know that it’s off, but then I’m gonna say it and then in two weeks you’re gonna be like ‘Nope, that’s the number!’ and I’m gonna”- Like, you know, sometimes it’s better to not say a number.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yep, I’m with you. I’m with you.

KYLE GETZ  

But, like, I mean, I would still rather add it in and have people- some people not report it and still, like- Because you’re basing it on not- Not everyone’s filling it out regardless. Like, that’s just gonna be how some of these things work, and I’d rather have like that question and then we can start to get some percentages with those that do fill it out.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. I- Yeah, I agree. Hopefully- Hopefully, they decide to include it, because I think it’s important, but, um-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Doesn’t the- Does the US Census now have sexual orientation on it? Did that finally change?

MIKE JOHNSON  

The federal Cen-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

The 10 year Census?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t believe so.

KYLE GETZ  

I think- Because I thought they- There was like a whole thing, under Trump, where like they had it on the draft but then it got removed. Like, I don’t know that we s-

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s ringin’ a bell. That seems like something that dickbag fuckface asshole would do, right?

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] We- I forget if we now ask that, but it was something like- I don’t know that- It’s not like this is completely behind the times, [chuckles] it’s just like kind of on par with where we are at just asking some of these basic questions that we should be, which is silly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Well, so, even though we don’t- Oh, we didn’t mention why we’re doing this. We had a- Our- Every month-

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah. Patreon.

KYLE GETZ

-we have a- Oh, yeah, Patron. Every month, we have a Patreon vote on one of three topics. You keep on winning.

MIKE JOHNSON

I keep on winning, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Over and over. And this was your topic, and herem we are.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Herem we are. Also, Gap Bridgers, why do you vote differently than everyone else?

KYLE GETZ  

It’s so interesting, y’all have such different- [Mike laughs] If you want to really influence what we talk about, the Gap Bridgers, the ones at our $50 level, are the ones that get to vote every month on these topics. Um, and then we do have tiebreakers just in case because that tends to happen, and that helps inform what we might do for our monthly Patreon episode. But yeah, y’all have your own tastes. Y’all-

MIKE JOHNSON

Y’all march to the beat of your own meat.

KYLE GETZ

Farmer. [Mike laughs] Uh, this- Also, on our survey, we have a ton of ideas that we got from our survey that are on our list of ideas to consider and “rural” was one of the topics that several people filled in themselves. So, you know, we’re touching on rural things by way of this. So, thank you for all the topics y’all suggested on the survey. Yeah, so the most academic thing I have is a thesis that was written about queer farming, and one of the areas- It was 100 and fucking something pages, so I did not read the whole thing. I read the section where the person, uh, Michaela Hoffelmeyer – that sounds like a name I would have made up, but it is Hoffelmeyer – interviewed and observed 20 queer farmers. So that’s what I’m gonna tell you about, the findings that they had from there. So this is from the thesis “Sexuality and Sustainable Agriculture: Queer Farmers in the Northeastern U.S.” This is a thesis in Rural Sociology, 2019, for the Pennsylvania State University. So, Michaela conducted interviews and observed 20 queer farmers in the Northeastern US, and just here’s some bullet points of what they found. First of all, queer farmer’s motivations for being in sustainable agriculture. You looked at being gay in farming, did sustainable agriculture come up for you?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, well, I did see that… Did I even write this down? God. I- I did- I did see that there is some evidence to suggest that gay people are more interested in organic farming, sustainable farming.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

…Yeah, so-

KYLE GETZ  

That’s what I tended to see, and that’s what this says as well. Queer farmer’s motivations for being involved in sustainable farming is, first of all, the environmental benefits. So, like, the good-hearted, good-natured reason of actually wanting those benefits, and, in addition, the assumption that sustainable agriculture has greater inclusion of women and, by extension, queer people.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So queer people, it said, may be disproportionately involved in sustainable agricultural production. And it was noting that that may even be- You know, we should, of course support queer farmers, but maybe even more important to support queer farmers because they may be the ones that push for and lead the way in sustainable agriculture.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

To counter homophobia, many farmers embody what the thesis called “Rural Politics of Recognition”. So, that was presenting as “just another farmer” to help build relationships and rapport with other farmers, with their customers, with other community members. It is very different than the urban kind of liberal “Be out and proud,” message.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So some of the, you know, messages in big cities or urban areas may not resonate with them because, like, it’s like… yo, you might not know, [chuckles] like, what that would be like here.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But we’ve also seen- You know, we’ve done episodes about our history and people saying “You should act- like, fit in with others in order to prove that we are just like you,” versus other people saying like “No. Like, we don’t have to be like you to gain acceptance.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, we’ve seen that kind of struggle throughout history. So this is not a new struggle, it’s just a different kind of manifestation of that struggle.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The tension has been there for a long time.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

The assimilationists versus the other ones.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. The non-assimilationists. [both chuckle] A quote I liked is “Queer farmers often associated uncertainty, fear, and isolation with living rurally, simultaneously, emphasizing an attachment to rural landscapes, nature, and farmland.” So, we, I think, talked about this in our “Hometown” episode where we talked about rural living as well. And it is this, like- There is something that people are drawn to, the rural… nature, living there, being there, and it makes sense that some people like that, some people like cities, and we should have a big mix- You’d expect a big mix of people. The influx to the cities is not because everyone loves cities.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

Some people do, but not everyone, and some people want to be out in the country livin’ this- live in rural areas and love the nature of it, and it’s unfortunate that it comes along with the uncertainty, fear, and isolation. So what helps is the “chosen family farm” model, which some people use these community-based living or farming units. Uh, living together on a community, in my mind, is the like “Hey, what if we all lived on a commune together?” [chuckles] like, with your friends.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Millennials are obsessed with this idea. Get the commune going.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Yeah. Yep. And- Which makes sense when you’re queer, to be like “Yo, do you wanna, like- Do we wanna, like, help each other out?” They also do these mentorships where, like, queer farmers can help those working on farm- queer people working on farms as a way to kind of bolster each other. Numerous of these farmers interviewed face sexism in addition to heterosexism, which, that- You know, those kinds of things make sense to me, come hand in hand. And, of course, the law is part of that. Marriage wasn’t legal until 2015, so that has, of course, implications for loan access and land tenure. But something else legal, that I was unaware of, is, prior to inheritance law changes in 1981, women married to male husbands were not considered legal owners of farms when their husbands died.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, I mean, 1981, that’s not that long ago. It would be easy for someone to be married in their 20s or 30s and still have a farm today and, like, have been directly affected by that. That very law.

MIKE JOHNSON  

This whole idea that, like, all of these horrific bullshit problems are way in the past-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like civil rights. People are like “Ah, civil rights is forever ago.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

“It’s- Like, it’s- Everything’s fine.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Stop whining, black people,” or whatever.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But, like, no. Like, it is in living memory that all of this shit was going down. And-

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. And, even when laws change, that doesn’t – which, I mean, in this case I’m talking about like this one law that did change – that doesn’t automatically change people’s mentality and their, like, how they were raised and their views.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, like- Yeah. Speaking of, 95% of the sample was identified as white- or, identified as white. So this researcher was careful to note that. I think noting where your limitations are- They pointed out why- like, what their sampling technique might have done to cause that. And, uh- But still, some of the queer farmers explained how white privilege allowed them to enter the farming space despite being queer. It’s, you know, what we say often. Like, you can have a strike against you but at least, you know, it’s not two.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So I- So it’s, I think, useful that, in spite of being a mostly white sample, that these white people recognize that their- things are clearly not perfect for queer farmers, but they still were afforded the- That’s the thing of white privilege, is it doesn’t have to be great for you to still be afforded some kind of benefits that come along with being white. And they suspected that the ability- that being queer enables you to understand the plight of other minorities, which I agree with and I think has helped me in understanding and empathizing with the plight of other minorities that are beyond just my own. Um, and lastly, uh, I will just read this quote. “The combination of metronormativity in LGBT spaces”, which, “metronormativity” showed up a bunch and… you’re nodding. Yeah, like, that’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

I think it’s a great word.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. And makes sense. It’s common within the gay spaces of, like, that’s kind of the assumption that that’s the way to go, that’s what you’ll do, that’s how you’re safe, that’s how you find other people. Um, so “The combination of metronormativity in LGBT spaces, coupled with heteronormativity in agriculture, has [primarily] left queer farmers to [develop] their own strategies and support networks to enter and remain in farming.” It seems like both agriculture and LGBT people- My read of that is, like… no one’s really helping them and so they have to create their own networks. This is why they create their – they didn’t call it communes, but – their community living. Like, they- Their mentorship- Like, they have to create these things because others aren’t. Like, I don’t hear LGBT people talking about the issues of rural living that much or the, like, the plight of rural- of queer farmers. Like, that’s not an issue that we’re focused on. At least, that I see.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, no, I agree. I agree. And it’s interesting, because I think it’s probably because they are just, you know, flying under the radar as much as possible because of how oppressive those parts of the world can be.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. And it’s interesting, like- Like I said, like, you don’t- You shouldn’t have to have a reason to support queer people, that should be a self-fulfilling- No, self- That’s just- should be…

MIKE JOHNSON

Evident?

KYLE GETZ

Yes. Like, that’s just how it should be.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

And, maybe there’s value in supporting queer people beyond just the it’s the right human thing to do to support sustainable agriculture, which we need anyway if the Earth isn’t gonna die in a ball of heat death in like two years.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So there’s actually extra value for lots of people if that happens.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s so interesting how many different ways that segues nicely. [Kyle gasps] Like, it’s weird. It’s really, really weird. So, I want to talk to you about some experiences of some queer farmers and-

KYLE GETZ

Ooo, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

-like what it’s like for them. The first one is Shannon and Eve Mingalone, and they are doing this work, exactly that you were talking about, of being the change they want to see in the world or, like, bringing the queer. Anyway-

KYLE GETZ  

Did you say “bringing the queer”?

MIKE JOHNSON

Bringing the queer.

KYLE GETZ

Bring the queer, bring the funk.

MIKE JOHNSON  

They said, in this article in NOLA.com, which I don’t even know what that is, if you ask yourself to picture a farmer – just picture a farmer – he is: [both chuckle] “[Male, white,] heterosexual, Christian, and conservative” and-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, he’s also wearing, um, overalls.

MIKE JOHNSON

Overalls.

KYLE GETZ

Which, I really want overalls. That’s how I support queer farmers: by being gay and wearing overalls.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, I’ve seen some porn…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

…that takes place on hay bales and, you know.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, anyways-

KYLE GETZ

But yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, they said we vowed to make our farmers market booth, quote, “very gay.”

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Oh, nice. Wow, they’re not doing the, like, “Let’s just fit in,” kind of method.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right.

KYLE GETZ

That’s awesome.

MIKE JOHNSON

So they hang strings of pride flags and they sell rainbow stickers to help pay for gender-affirming care like hormone replacement therapy for Eve. And they said that sometimes parents and their teens will go by the booth and the adults will give them glances or looks of disapproval and then they’ll, like, grab the kids and rush them along, but they said “The kids pause for a second look.” And Shannon, who’s 34, hopes that it means something for them to see LGBTQ professionals out and succeeding.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s amaz- Like, it’s- It’s interesting, like, just having- knowing that there is at least – you know, in this case – two other people that are supportive.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Knowing that there is someone in the world that is supportive of that, someone that is like you. I think of queer Jews and I just think of like the idea of, you know, even conservative Jewish people that are queer walking into gay spaces and, like, being like, you know, finding someone else like you. Like, man, your specific kind of niche, who you are growing up and everything, finding someone else like you is so important. That’s awesome.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, and they said that people often will come up to them and their gay-ass booth and, like, whisper stories to them, right?

KYLE GETZ

Ohhhh, interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON

There was a middle-aged woman who confided that her daughter is trans, and felt safe talking to them about that.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

There was a teen who stood in the middle of the booth and said, quote, “This makes me feel safe.”

KYLE GETZ

Aww.

MIKE JOHNSON

And so Shannon said “That means everything to me.” And, anyway, that’s at, uh- Their business is Ramshackle Farm, it’s in Harvard, Illinois, and they grow a whole bunch of stuff. And they talk mostly about how, like, yeah, it’s conservative, kind of uncomfortable, and there’s not a lot of community but this is what we’re doing. We’re farming and we’re trying to be as visible as possible when we’re out and selling our stuff. Then I also wanted to talk to you, really quickly, it’s not just in the United States that these kinds of things are true. So, Ralf Schaab, who’s the co-founder of gayfarmer.de – which, that’s Germany – in Wiesbaden, Germany, was interviewed and they asked him “How is it as a German gay farmer?” and his answer was-

KYLE GETZ  

Guten Tagen.

MIKE JOHNSON

…Probably in German, [Kyle laughs] but here it is in English: “Well, before you know you are gay, at least in my case, you know that [you’re] a farmer. I was born into farming and knew from the start that I wanted to be a farmer.”

KYLE GETZ  

That’s wild to me, [Mike chuckles] like, that your identity is more… and it makes sense now that you say it, but more sure that you’re a farmer than your identity as a gay person. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

He says “In the beginning, you feel lonely because there are so few others like you around – and you feel even more lonely when you discover that you are gay.” “Farming takes me to places in areas where, being gay, sometimes you have to be strong in yourself and know who you are in order to claim your identity. Farming is the same way. The world is not set out to groom farmers. You have to be strong and resilient to keep alive. The two identities have intersected highly in my own development.”

KYLE GETZ  

Hm. Yeah, I could never be a farmer. [Mike laughs] Like, you- I do- I do- I can see how you kind of have to be born into that, like, to be- I grew up in the suburbs, man.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I couldn’t- I couldn’t do it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. You could though, just, you would hate it.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, then I watched- So that was Germany. There’s also, in New Zealand, this really interesting interview that I saw on Vice and there was a out gay farmer named Matt talking about all of the closeted gay farmers that he fucks on the side, [Kyle gasps] many of whom-

KYLE GETZ

Hoooot!

MIKE JOHNSON

-are married and have kids-

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh. Scandalous.

MIKE JOHNSON

-are, like, super super DL closeted.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Whoops.

MIKE JOHNSON

He said a couple of interesting things, I thought. One of them, he was flipping the interviewer’s shit, who- It was a gay guy that was doing the interview and he’s like, how does even work? Like, do you just, like- ‘Cause they pulled up his Grindr and the first person on the grid was four kilometers away and he was like, how does that wo- Like, do you walk over there? Do you- [Kyle laughs] Can you get an Uber or something? And Matt, the gay farmer-

KYLE GETZ

Hop on a tractor, or…?

MIKE JOHNSON

He said, quote, “[Well,] this is the difference between city gays and rural gays, we learned how to drive.” [both laugh] Um, he said that there is this very sad entrenchment of gay people, that they get stuck in these heterosexual marriages and they get stuck with kids, and running a farm, and in isolation, and he said even though that he is out they are very cold and very distant, very adamant about him not contacting them.

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, to be fair, those are the kind of guys I’m into as well. Like, you’re not special. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Well we talked about assholes, right? Like- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I get it. I get it, farmers. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, but uh- They, um- They seem so terrified to even, like, run into him on the street and a lot of them are like openly hostile to him when they see him.

KYLE GETZ  

Well it’s like you gotta prove- If you’re worried about coming across as being interested, then you gotta prove that you’re not by being mean.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

Like, this is why sometimes people that are most… animus- Is that a word?

MIKE JOHNSON

“Animus” is a word.

KYLE GETZ

…towards gay people are the ones that are gay themselves.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. It’s a noun though, not an adjective.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, okay.

KYLE GETZ

Well, I need it to be a verb.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

Matt in New Zealand also said some aren’t on the apps to hook up, even. They’re looking for some semblance of acceptance.

KYLE GETZ  

Aw, [makes mild sobbing sound] I wanna cry… [Mike laughs] to water your crops with my tears.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh-

KYLE GETZ

It also- Like, I would imagine that, unlike city folk- Like, when you get divorced you can like “Okay, let’s-” It’s not just deciding who gets the house or not. It’s- Like, this is also the family business that you’re breaking up. Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You can’t just be like “Okay, leave you, honey and the kids, with the farm and I’m leaving.” Like, there’s so much more like you have at stake there and have built… sometimes literally.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Absolutely. And, like, there was- Well, okay, I’ll do this one next instead. This one also pulls in sustainable farming. So, there’s a guy named Jon Wright and he’s in Australia and- [Kyle gasps] What? Are you gonna talk about him?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great, then I won’t.

KYLE GETZ  

Should I tell- Should I talk about him or should I put a butt plug in it?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, put a butt plug in him.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

You’re gonna talk about the sustainable shit that he’s doing?

KYLE GETZ

Okay, great.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, it’s pretty magical. And then in, um- In the UK, Manchester’s a big city. It’s a very gay city in the in the UK, but there’s this guy named Keith who’s an English farmer out in the boonies and he said, quote, “If you are gay and you live in Manchester, you can go anonymously into gay areas and meet people. When you’re a farmer, you have to make massive arrangements to get off the farm. Who’s going to do the milking? Who’s going to feed the cattle? You can’t just decide to go away for the weekend,” and “On top of that, if you suddenly go away, people are going to ask [you] where you’re going.”

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Yeah, no one asks me where I am, like, on weekends or like various days. Like, I just do shit.

MIKE JOHNSON

But, rural life? Your absence will be noted and people will ask you where you’ve been-

KYLE GETZ

God…

MIKE JOHNSON

-or what you were doing. And, like, they chat at the fuckin’ grocery store about fucking everything, like you’re supposed to care about each other’s lives. [Kyle chuckles] I do kind of miss that sometimes, but it’s, like-

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway. Anyway, he said “They are very, very isolated. The loneliness is enormous.” Um, those are all gay men. I’m gonna talk to you more about lesbians a little bit later.

KYLE GETZ  

It’s sad that, like, it seems like there’s- It seems like we’re talking about a lot of negative associations with being gay and being a farmer.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah… Yeah. I mean, like, farmer, it’s agrarian, it’s agricultural, it’s rural and all of the gays live in the city, right? Like, there’s a- You’ve gotta really fuckin’ love farming, I think, or have no other options, to live under the oppression that is rural society.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know. I don’t know that there’s a more positive spin on it, except all of these gay-owned farms that, you know, seem to be thriving in one way or the other, or they’re trying to create community.

KYLE GETZ  

Creating their own community, and the ones that are making a difference so that, like, hopefully generations will change, and grow, and learn from them. I think that’s like part of the positive. Um, but yeah, it seems like loneliness is a common theme among queer farming.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. In the stuff that I read, certainly.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Should I- Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, go ahead and talk about Jon, Jon Wright.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, Jon Wright. I watched – it as a easy, 20-25 minute – documentary from The New Yorker, called “Alone Out Here”. So, it’s an interesting watch if you want to. So, first of all, Australia’s carbon emissions output per capita is among the world’s highest. Red meat industry produces about 10% of Australia’s greenhouse gases, and 2/3 of that come from cattle, so it is a big issue. Jon Wright is someone that has been speaking out about that, including at industry events. So this based on not only the documentary, but also the accompanying article that I read in the New Yorker.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And he said that, when he speaks out about this issue, people genuinely despise not just him but anyone who does bring it up. And, he said, “They thought you were a bit of a loony.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So, there was this documentary created about some of the work he’s trying to do. It was a government arts grant earmarked for works about queer people living in rural places, which is, I think, a really cool kind of government grant-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-idea and concept, showing- I think showing some of these unique areas of queer life that we don’t typically see is a really cool idea, because I think that’s really helpful to show that there’s huge varieties of queer people. And, um, anyway, so the documentary is called “A Gay Farmer on Love, Isolation, and Disrupting the Meat Industry in Australia”. Um, he, for 22 years, has been working on a line of cattle that reduces methane output.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeaaaah, let’s make cows that fart less!

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Yeah. I too have been working on reducing my methane output. [Mike laughs] It has- He has been more successful than I.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, he’s been trying harder for longer, I think.

KYLE GETZ

He’s been trying- And he’s been- Well, I mean, we’ve both been breeding [chuckles] [Mike laughs] a whole lot to get to where we are. Um… so I get it, John. He came out at the age of 28. It was interesting, I think he said, like, his- It sounded like this Rumspringa kind of thing. Like, his family said like “You are not allowed to be on the farm until you’re 25, and if you want to come back you can,” and he decided to come back. He- His dad let him go off and do other things, and then he was the one that decided to come back. So he’s made this big decision about being involved in farming, which, that- I think there’s the- kind of the positive side, is like this is the life he’s chosen, but also it does come with a cost, which is it’s difficult to date. He, I think, has dated one person. He picked the family business over moving. You know, his option- His other option was going to Sydney and dating. And the filmmaker of this, Cornish, who has been looking at lots of people in rural areas said, quote, “It was always this consistent story, of the stakes being incredibly high, because if you have a date with somebody, it has to go well.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Which, that’s terrifying. Like, at least- I’m- You know, I bitch about, like [in a whiny voice] “No, there’s no one on apps,” and I go on a date and I’m like “Neh,” and then, like, you know, keep going.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Like, you know, that’s very different. Imagine the stakes of, like, the guy one farm over happens to be gay and you’re like “Oh, God, please be hot.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

There’s a- There’s another angle to that, I forget if we talked about it before.

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

I kind of wonder if people are nicer…? Okay, I don’t- It’s not settling, that’s not what I mean, but I wonder if, a lot of rural areas, the gays that do find each other are less distracted.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, they’re more able to commit because there’s- um, there isn’t that like paralysis by too many options.

KYLE GETZ

Hm. Hm!

MIKE JOHNSON

You know what I’m sayin’?

KYLE GETZ

I guess so. I also don’t like the idea that, like- That kind of feeds into the stereotype that gay men cheat just because there are other- Like, you see another gay dude and you’re like “Oh, cool, another gay dude,” and then they fuck ‘em, you know? So, I don’t love that part of it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I just think that, like, all of the- The way that people behave on the apps suggests to me that they’re, like- they don’t want to make any sort of commitment because they’re waiting for, like, maybe somebody hotter will.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then nothing happens.

KYLE GETZ

I could see that.

MIKE JOHNSON

And… I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, I g- You may, like, give it a more of a shot with someone. You may, like- If you have far less options, you may be like “Let’s really see if there’s anything here.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And maybe that could help it… go a little bit deeper than just “Do I think you’re hot right away? Do I swipe left or right?” Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, I can see that. Um, so the entire documentary builds up to this bull sale where he’s seeing if people are willing to buy the- this new line of bulls-

MIKE JOHNSON

Lower-farting cows!

KYLE GETZ

Lower-farting cows, yep. [chuckles] Um, and the answer is no, [chuckles] they’re not, they don’t.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah.

KYLE GETZ

And he’s like- talks about, like, if we just went with Angus, if I just did this easier option, I would absolutely be selling them right now. Like, he picked a path that was the difficult path. He said- He also said, quote, “The more battles you create in your life, the less time there is to hear the silence and the emptiness.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Whew. Whew.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. So I wonder if there’s- We talked about the connection between being queer and fighting for sustainable agriculture and, you know, he’s clearly working on more sustainable practices, and it’s interesting- You know, we both, in white privilege, and understanding other minorities, and understanding the truth behind things, and accepting of the truth even when it’s difficult… like, those are a lot of reasons I could picture someone being in sustainable farming. But to create battles in order to not have to deal with the crushing loneliness, is not one of the ones I considered.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Whew.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I just drank. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Hey, farmers, have you considered drinking? [Mike laughs] As Linda Belcher says, it doesn’t solve your problems, it just makes them go away.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. [chuckles] “Mommy doesn’t get drunk, she just has fun.”

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] The last thing that I will say about him is this quote that I wrote down, that I really liked: “The issue of climate change is quite challenging in agriculture, there’s a lot of people who believe it’s not happening. This is science, this is not me making anything up. It might be the part, I don’t know, about being gay and being a gay farmer or something like that, and the part about coming out was just that realization that I can’t lie anymore, I can’t bullshit anymore. You gotta- I don’t know. That you have to be real, that you have to be honest. And that cements something pretty powerful. The only people who aren’t talking about it is our industry.” So there is something to- He has made this choice for himself in spite of it being difficult already, and then add on the layer of being gay and add it- and make it extra difficult. But he’s like… this is the right thing- the right place for the industry to go, and I want to make meaning in my life and I know that this is the meaning that I’m creating. So, it’s very respectable. I don’t know that I could be willing to sacrifice my personal experiences and pursuit of a relationship for this, and so I’m impressed by him. So, way to go.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I saw a clip of him talking to a bunch of Argentinian beef buyers-

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and there’s this woman that was asking him about his legacy and saying “You don’t have a son or a daughter here?”

KYLE GETZ

Mm. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And he’s like “No, I never married”-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-was his was his response, and I instantly recognized that as he gave the safest answer that he could.

KYLE GETZ

Absolutely.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, in that instant, he was panicking about how to say a true thing and not say that he was gay.

KYLE GETZ  

And also, like, kind of put the stamp on the conversation. Not like “Nope, I don’t have a son or daughter,” like “……” you know? Like- Just to be like “I never married,” is, like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Kind of answers the-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And I think that’s- That’s what that world is like. So, have a really sad thing to say.

KYLE GETZ

[gasps slightly] Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. So, I’m gonna talk about a bunch of resources that are available to gay farmers-

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

-that have cropped up. But, uh I’m gonna do the sad o-

KYLE GETZ

One of them’s my ass- Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna do the sad one first.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

So this guy named Keith Ineson, and he is from the UK… Maybe from Northern Ireland?

KYLE GETZ

The UK. [saying it like “yook”]

MIKE JOHNSON

Northern Ireland, yeah. And he read- So, unlike the United States, in the United Kingdom they do track LGBTQ+ farmers and farming, and there was- they released data. It’s the Office for National Statistics, the ONS, said that about 50 Gay farmers a year end to their own lives, that the fear of coming out to loved ones being one of the main reasons, and the pressure is to produce an heir. Who’s gonna take over the farm? So, this Keith Ineson guy, he’s a former chaplain and an out gay farmer in Northern Ireland, set up the Gay Farmer Helpline in 2010. He said, quote, “The push to get married is enormous from a young age. It’s bred in and it’s a very insular occupation.” He said even “Divorce within the farming community is very difficult,” “You need to keep the farm in the family and you need to keep it viable. These men don’t want to hurt the women, but they just feel they shouldn’t have gotten married.” And farming is a difficult business at the best of times. There’s long hours, poor conditions, tight profit margins, but for gay men is deeply excluding. There was a study done in June of 20… 20 – June of 2020 – that said that, in rural zip codes, at least in the United Kingdom, gay dating was one of the most Googled searches.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

And he said, um- He was a working chaplain and he just put his idea for this thing- He put an advertisement in the Farming Press, and said “if they need help they can contact me.” He got his first call that first week, and has averaged at least one new call a week ever since. The difficulties are enormous. He said that one person called the hotline and said that he had attempted to end his life and his dad had saved him. And when his dad got to him on time and it became clear, like, what the reasons were, his dad said that he would have left him to die if he’d known it was because he was gay.

KYLE GETZ

[gasps] Oh my god.

MIKE JOHNSON

These are the kinds of stories that he is trying to help people with on this, this helpline.

KYLE GETZ  

Jesus Christ. Fuck that dad!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, right? Yeah. You don’t get to decide- You don’t get to have kids only if- and love them only if they meet your criteria. Fuck you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. He estimates that he’s helped nearly 500 gay farmers-

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

-through this hotline.

KYLE GETZ

That’s amazing.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh- Oh, one of the things- This one blew me away. Sorry, I’ll get less depressing real soon, I promise. Um, but uh, apparently, one farmer who was closeted had a secret life, a secret gay life, had a private relationship with a male friend who died. How- He couldn’t grieve that.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm… Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like- You know, if he was- If he was in love with this man, who’s now gone, who does he turn to, in this environment, to process the fact that this love ended, right? It’s like… Fuckin’ Brokeback Mountain, Kyle, is what it is.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You just- I mean, to- To have that level of grief and just have to sit on it… in the less fun way. Like, just have to, like, pretend it’s not happening and never show anyone. Man, if that’s not a male stereotype I don’t know what it is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Well- Ugh, God.

KYLE GETZ

And that’s why men have a higher rate of suicide, is because we’re expected to like shut down these emotions and never show them, and to add that extra layer of like having it be something like being gay and not being able to talk about that part of it too.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. For reals. Well, the Gay Farmer Helpline is at gayfarmer.co.uk or at 07837931894, which is way too many numbers for our country [Kyle chuckles] but apparently that number will make sense…

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] To someone.

MIKE JOHNSON

To someone. Some other resources that are out there, I looked at a bunch of matchmaking sites-

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

-that are geared towards farmers and it is wild to me. There’s one- a new one. This is a new service for matching single country folk of all orientations, that’s including heterosexual orientations. It’s just- It’s supposed to be for all rural people, but they will let you self-select for “I’m into”- you know, “A man seeking man,” whatever. Anyway, but the name of the serv- [chuckles] The name of the service is “The Farmer Wants a Wife”. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

What?! Wait. Okay, hold on.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It launched in Ireland last year, uh, is already a big success, and they’re talking about expanding across the UK but-

KYLE GETZ

But you gotta change that name, bitch!

MIKE JOHNSON

You gotta change that name, bitch. But yeah, Queerty did an article on them as being like a successful place for the gay farmer to-

KYLE GETZ  

That’s so weird that’s worked for gay farmers.

MIKE JOHNSON

-to [laughs] find each other.

KYLE GETZ

Also, [quietly] is Northern Ireland part of the UK?

MIKE JOHNSON

[quietly] Yes, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

They’re not part of Great Britain though? Is that the thing?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, goodness.

KYLE GETZ  

We don’t have to do this right now. [both chuckle] Your deep breath said “We’re not doing this now.” Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, uh, yeah, “The Farmer Needs a Wife”- or, “Farmer Wants a Wife” is a service that came recommended by gay farmers.

KYLE GETZ

That’s such a bad name.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, if you think that’s a bad name-

KYLE GETZ

Wuh-uh!

MIKE JOHNSON

-heeeere’s another one: made by country people for country people, the matchmaking site called muddymatches.co.uk, Muddy Matches.

KYLE GETZ  

“Muddy matches”? Like, “We’re- We get in the mud, we’re dirty, we’re not those clean city folk”?

MIKE JOHNSON

Correct.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. I mean, I like that less than the gender- [Kyle chuckles] the other gendered option.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, you know, that’s-

KYLE GETZ

It doesn’t matter what I think or want. That’s not- It’s not about me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It was founded by two sisters that had a farming background.

KYLE GETZ

Hopefully, they didn’t date.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh- Well, you know…

KYLE GETZ  

…That’s a rural stereotype I shouldn’t play into.

MIKE JOHNSON  

But, um- Yeah. Featured in Countryfile, Horse & Hound, and Farmers Weekly-

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] They got- They got Horse & Hound?! [Mike laughs] What a get.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, muddymatches.co.uk is another place. Just- It’s like Farmers Only but, you know-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-in the UK. And then, also, there are community organizations that are out there trying to build up identity resources, sharing even some like social stuff or potentially like dating. Um, just the whole thing. One is called weareoutintheopen.org and notourfarm.org. Notourfarm.org, reading through their stuff today, I was fascinated by this idea. They were questioning- Not questioning. They have a lot of resources that are for farm workers, and the article was talking about why aren’t they called farmers? Like, most farmers don’t actually do the farming, they’re more like farm managers.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Farms are about ownership, and that’s bullshit and we hate that.

KYLE GETZ

Huh. Yeah, that makes sense.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. So, like, if I- Like- I’ve never considered myself a farmer, but I’ve done a lot of farm work.

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

Maybe I have been a farmer-

KYLE GETZ

Huh!

MIKE JOHNSON

-like, if I just use the less bullshit definition.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, I would think the person doing the stuff on the farm would be the farmer. But-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Another fun thing you can check out is @thegayfarmers, that was created by Lutz of Germany. It’s got some good German representation. Um, It’s- It’s on Instagram. They haven’t posted in like a year but, before that, it was a really cool concept where Lutz, of Germany, created this account so that people could like send in pictures of themselves, and they would, like, you know, post and feature different people to show that like there are lots of gay farmers. Instagram @thegayfarmers, if you want.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s beautiful.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah! That’s- They’re- I think that’s the- Like, it makes sense that we found the loneliness part of it, that does seem to be a really important and heavy part of this topic. And, I think, the positive side is all the work that people have then done both in terms of helping other LGBT folks and helping sustainability of farming.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

That seems to be the kind of positive side of this.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I also think… it’s gotta be getting better. And if only- Well, we know it is. Like, people- Listeners have written into say, like, “I live in the middle of goddamn nowhere, there are no gay people here, but I feel connected to the gay community for an hour and a half each week,” or whatever. And that’s- We didn’t have podcasts when I was growing up, Kyle. [Kyle chuckles] You know what I mean?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, there- There really just weren’t ways to reach out and connect that weren’t going to a city and going to a gay bar.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? So I would hope over time that we would turn the corner and rural queer people – farmers included – would not suffer from such isolation and depression as a result.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Do you have more?

KYLE GETZ  

Well I have something that I could save for Patreon. You were- Did you have a lesbian thing that you wanted to share more?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh. Sure, yeah, I’ll talk about a lesbian thing. [Kyle chuckles] Um, nervous.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, why?

MIKE JOHNSON

Nervous talking about lesbian stuff.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, why?

MIKE JOHNSON

Not a lesbian.

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, we- Mike, we’re talking about farmers. We’re not farmers, so- [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay. That’s-

KYLE GETZ

We do it- We do this a bunch.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thaaat’s true. Okay, so, first of all, I’m gonna talk about Rush Limbaugh.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Okay. Noted lesbian.

MIKE JOHNSON

Noted lesbian Rush Limbaugh. Noted dead lesbian.

KYLE GETZ

Uh-huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, Rush Limbaugh said that Obama was sending lesbian farmers [Kyle chuckles] to invade red states to make them gay and less conservative.

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

So he went- It was back in-

KYLE GETZ  

Can you imagine an army of lesbian farmers?

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean-

KYLE GETZ

Boy, that’d be- I’d be scared of that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

They would get shit done.

KYLE GETZ

They- They would. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

So, this was back in 2016 during the Obama administration. What happened was, the USDA and some other agencies had an event called the Iowa LGBT Rural Summit and the purpose of that was to, quote, “share information relating to policies, programs, and services that exist to protect, promote and strengthen LGBT rural communities.” They talked about a whole bunch of stuff. It was in Des Moines. They talked about rural housing loans, community facility grants, they talked about bullying, um, and-

KYLE GETZ

Cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

So then Rush Limbaugh… somehow turned that into “The Obama administration is trying to recruit lesbian farmers to militarize them, to have them invade red parts of the country, to liberalize the culture.”

KYLE GETZ  

Look, I understand you read the headline of something and you got it misconstrued, but they- Like, they invent- They take these things and then turn them into- Like, you had- At least, especially back then, you had “Obama” plus, you know, whatever the headline is plus “is turning everyone gay.” Like- Like, they’re not- Yeah. It’s so fucking annoying.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So this is all a quote from him…

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON

…”Rural America happens to be largely conservative. Rural America is made up of self-reliant, rugged individualist types. They happen to be big believers in the Second Amendment. So here comes the Obama regime with a bunch of federal money, and they’re waving it around, and all you gotta do to get it is be a lesbian and want to be a farmer, and they’ll set you up. I’m like you; I never before in my life knew that lesbians wanted to be farmers.”

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

I was embarrassed, at that moment, to realize that I thought like Rush Limbaugh.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] You didn’t know lesbians wanted to be-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I didn’t know lesbians wanted to be farmers! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

But- Okay, it’s fine to not know that, and then what do you do with that information? And you did not rant against-

MIKE JOHNSON

I read about a bunch of them and realize that they do want to be farmers.

KYLE GETZ

There you go, right!? That’s all you gotta do!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s all you gotta do! [Mike chuckles] I think everyone, like, fears that they don’t know information, or fears that they, like, they’ll learn a new identity or learn that they’re out of the loop on a thing, and that’s okay! It’s okay not to know that! It’s okay to learn that. It’s okay to feel a little dumb when you learn a new thing. It’s what do you do once you know that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And do you blame Obama for trying to militarize red states with them, or do you read up on them and go “Huh! Now I know! That’s cool!” [Mike chuckles] Like, it’s just- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

…Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. And also it’s okay, lesbians, to want to be a farmer. I support you.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, it’s not the first time that lesbians and farming have been like a thing that was being discussed.

KYLE GETZ

Huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

In the 1970s-

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] What?

MIKE JOHNSON

-um, there was a organic food movement that a bunch of radical feminists got involved with, and so they created the idea of Womyn’s Land. W-O-M-Y-N-‘-S Land, Womyn’s Land. So, it started urban but then it started to shave off and go more rural. Like, communes were being started.

KYLE GETZ

Hm!

MIKE JOHNSON

There was one in Arkansas called Yellowhammer. There was one in Oregon called WomanShare. And they were trying to create these feminist farms, and the lesbians were all over that.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s not what FF means.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s not what FF means.

KYLE GETZ

Mm-mm. Just if anyone was wondering.

MIKE JOHNSON  

One thing that I thought was really interesting about the whole thing was, um, this article. Anyway, it’s modernfarmer.com, in an article from 2015. Political lesbianism- So, there was a activist and theorist, Ti-Grace Atkinson, and she argued that sexual orientation is a choice, that heterosexuality is anti-feminist-

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

-so go be a lesbian even if you don’t want to and start a commune with no men in it.

KYLE GETZ  

Well, okay. [chuckles] I have some qualms.

MIKE JOHNSON  

But, apparently, the actual lesbians, who loved and were sexually attracted to other women, they didn’t always see eye to eye on this.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Yeah, I would think not.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Largely, those farms and communes have disappeared. There are a couple of them that are still around in a few different places across the country, but feminism and feminist theory has changed since then. The acceptance of queer people has changed since then. Urbanization has also shifted the demographics since then and, just, these farms seem to have dried up, but [Kyle chuckles] it was just- What? [Kyle laughs] Menopause, I guess. Is that- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t know that you- That’s- The phrasing of that was just interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, but yeah. Yeah, a lot of lesbians were active in this, like, women’s farming movement of the late 60s and early 70s. And, so, they’ve been at it for- They’ve been at it for a while.

KYLE GETZ  

Hm. I didn’t mention, most of the- Um, I didn’t mention, most of the people of the 20 people interviewed for the thesis were white, but I didn’t mention they were mostly cis women.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm. Mm-hm.

KYLE GETZ

So, like, there are- You know, at least this was in the northeast US where they – you know – they noticed a lot of them forming these community-based farming things. So there is at least some of that still going on.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm.

KYLE GETZ

You know, this is a very limited area and scope but, like, there’s at least some of that still happening.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Which is cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

Did we do it?

KYLE GETZ

[sighs] Uh, yeah. I mean, I didn’t expect farming to be so heavy.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, we talked about a lot of farming and we talked about a lot of sad shit.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, like, I-

MIKE JOHNSON

I guess I could talk about, like- Like, I grew up there. I think that I, for sure, sought out, confirmation bias-style, the things that I remember it feeling like to grow up in a place like that.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, I didn’t- I didn’t seek out the happy gay farms, if- like, if there is such a thing, because I just- my background. I blame growing up where I grew up on the fact that I didn’t come out until I was 30, and that life was pretty fuckin’ terrible from that… angle.

KYLE GETZ  

And… tell people about, like, did you grow up on a farm? Like, what was-

MIKE JOHNSON  

We had cows. It was a- It was only 5 acres, it was a small farm. “Farm” is even a rough word but, like, I would get up before school and go feed cows and helped my dad change sprinklers because we had to keep the alfalfa watered, and we largely ate the cows that we grew. So that was a fun exercise of, like, cutting into a steak and talking about which cow it is that we’re eating, that we helped raise. Um-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. And what about that made it difficult to come out until you were in your 30s?

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s- It’s not- It’s not specifically that I was on a farm, it’s just that it was a red part of the world, right? It’s rural eastern Washington, Yakima County, middle of goddamn fuckin’ nowhere, 2000 people in the whole town, and it is very oppressive in the judgments and structures to keep in place anybody who dares deviate from the mainstream. And that extends to race, that extends to class, that- It’s just-

KYLE GETZ  

Even talking about what we learned about, like talking about sustainability and the effects on the environment, like, that is frowned upon even talking about that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right. Yeah, it’s a liberal conspiracy, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yep. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Threatening our way of life.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

…Or whatever.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But yeah, just growing up in that environment, that political environment, that cultural environment, I think- I really identify with and empathize with these men that are having these, like, isolated experiences, because I was- I was there and, like them, thought I was gonna get married to a woman, and have kids, and live a white picket fence life with- You know. That’s what I was supposed to do. It was the only life that I could envision for myself.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And that’s very much a function of where I grew up.

KYLE GETZ  

The irony is, like, that’s where the grooming is happening.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Right? Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

To make people believe that’s their only option and you can’t deviate from anything. Like, that is the enforcement of your own beliefs on your children, that, like, not letting them be their authentic selves. Um, it’s interesting because, I think, farming is a straight stereotype. And I think part of that is, you know, like, we’re talking about there are a lot of gay people out there, there are a lot of queer people that are involved in farming. So it’s not true, but then there is some truth in the, like, the movement to big cities and the escape from rural areas, this kind of environment. So, I think there’s also some truth to, you know, that that gay people want to move out of rural areas to be more accepted and be able to find more people. So it’s an interesting mix of, like, this stereotype is true and not true and-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-you know. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ  

It’s a weird- It’s a weird mix.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Something else to consider too. I just- I don’t know if I count as a farmer or not by the, like, having done farm work. I like defining that as being a farmer-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-so I guess I have- I was a farmer in a past life. That makes three gay men in my life, if I include myself, that had been involved in farming.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? Like-

KYLE GETZ  

A surprising number of people in our friend group that have done farming, [chuckles] which is weird.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Maybe it’s not weird. Maybe- Maybe that’s true.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

You know?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, more representative of gay culture and gay people than we think it is.

KYLE GETZ  

It’s just not, like, discussed that mu- Like, I don’t hear people talking about – in gay circles – about farming or rural upbringings as much.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You know what I think gay people also do a little bit more?

MIKE JOHNSON

What?

KYLE GETZ

Is play farming apps on their phones-

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-and that’s what I’m gonna talking to you about on Patreon.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. Farmville!

KYLE GETZ

Uh-huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. So, should we take a break?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, let’s take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s take a break!

KYLE GETZ

Farm break. [Mike chuckles] Mmmmm. [like a cow]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Get in that Kennel. [saying “Kennel” with a southern accent] [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

That what?

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

“Kannel”?

MIKE JOHNSON

[with a southern accent] Kennel.

KYLE GETZ

…Kennel! Got it.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Nice taters, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

…[chuckles] What?

MIKE JOHNSON

Are we back?

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] No. [Mike laughs] I’m gonna quit the show, after that. We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re back!

KYLE GETZ

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first…

KYLE GETZ

“Nice taters”?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Local gay bar review!

KYLE GETZ

Ooo!

MIKE JOHNSON

This week we’re gonna do Chill Bar, which is in Palm Springs, California. I’ve been to Chill Bar several times, and I’ve been to Chill Bar twice in the last six months, and so I don’t remember which visit is which visit but I went with some gay fraternity brothers and went with a friend from San Diego.

KYLE GETZ  

Well, with multiple experiences, this time you can not just rate your individual experience but the bar overall.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, that’s true. It’s a big bar. It’s like a sit down place. There’s a lot of standing though because it’s quite popular. It’s got like a- It is a chill vibe to it.

KYLE GETZ

Hey, you did it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which, you know, adequately named. But then there’s like a back area that’s a dance floor that is, like, really dark and I definitely got groped once-

KYLE GETZ

Eugh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-which, you know, whatever.

KYLE GETZ

Gay bars.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then, there were go-go boys there but, like, different kinds of go-go boys. And I think- I don’t know that I’ve seen other places a silver daddy go-go boy.

KYLE GETZ

Oohh!

MIKE JOHNSON

Like a full like daddy bear go-go boy.

KYLE GETZ

Nice.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, at least one of the times that I went, the go-go boys were all wearing sports uniforms.

KYLE GETZ

Hot.

MIKE JOHNSON

It was like sport night or whatever. And uh, yeah, there was like a lacrosse player and, I think, the- I think the silver daddy bear was wearing a baseball outfit.

KYLE GETZ  

I need to go to a sport night. That sounds sexy.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, it really was. It really was. Uh, I enjoy Chill Bar. I think it is indeed chill and, uh, I had- I had- I had- I had sex at least once after it, but not enough to raise it to 5 dildos. I’m gonna give it- I’m gonna give it 4 dildos.

KYLE GETZ  

What does a place have to do, Mike?! This is literally everything you describe that you like in a place. It had go-go boys, a diverse crowd, you got laid once… What does it need? What’s missing?

MIKE JOHNSON  

…4 1/2 dildos. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] A perfect score does not exist in Mike’s world.

MIKE JOHNSON

It does!

KYLE GETZ

It absolutely- There is no way you will ever give a place a 5. I guarantee it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great, now I have to.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] I know.

MIKE JOHNSON

You dick. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

You dildo.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hey, everybody!

KYLE GETZ

Hey!

MIKE JOHNSON

Tickets for our New York show are on sale right now, please go and buy it if you want to see us on Sunday, June the 4th. We’re gonna be at The Spot, in Hell’s Kitchen on the island of Manhattan in the great city of New York in the state of New York, United States of America, planet Earth.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, please stop this. [Mike laughs] Okay, you can go to gayishpodcast.com/live to find all of our tour dates and get tickets for New York. Those are the ones that are available right now. The presale is happening until May 1st.

MIKE JOHNSON

Correct.

KYLE GETZ

So you can get discounted tickets until May 1st.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And tickets are selling, so don’t wait.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

When- When it’s full, we have to stop, so-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, when you- When you sell all the tickets, then you can’t sell anymore.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s right. That’s right. Also, happy and pleased to announce that our show in July, in Chicago, is going to be at Sidetrack. Very excited about that. That’s like my favorite Chicago bar. And, uh, we’ll be in Los Angeles in September, at Akbar, which is another awesome place. I will announce more venues as we get closer.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, but you can see all the dates at gayishpodcast.com/live.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You ready to do our Gayest & Straightest- No.

KYLE GETZ

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

Because our website is gayishpodcast.com, without the “/live”.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

You can add the “/live” if you want to.

KYLE GETZ  

If you want. Um, you can go to our Discord, our Spaces, our Facebook group. Find all those at gayishpodcast.com/contact.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.

KYLE GETZ

Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.

MIKE JOHNSON

And our physical mailing address Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.

KYLE GETZ  

And we have a new merch on the merch store so, if you want a news theme song shirt, there are a couple of different options including one with a gag ball in someone’s mouth for “shut your mouth hole”, um, and a “Hey Mike… Hey Kyle…” mug in the shape of the Progress flag, so check those out. Gayishpodcast.com/merch.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Do it.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Uh, Gayest & Straightest?

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s do our Gayest & Straightest. I’m happy to go first.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

The gayest thing about me this week was, uh, the Friday before Easter, I went and visited my dad and, uh, he asked me if you and I were dating.

KYLE GETZ  

Aw. Wow! After all this time?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I would think- What did you say?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, I said “No.”

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. Don’t need to say it with that face. [Mike laughs] I’m delightful.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You know. It felt very gay to talk to my dad about gay things.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

I think he was just trying to let me know that he was okay with, like, talking about stuff and-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, that’s sweet.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. And then, the straightest thing about me this week was, the same evening, my dad and I changed the headlight in my Jeep. So we took his toolbox out there and-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-did dad-son car repair bonding shit, you know?

KYLE GETZ  

God, whenever that my dad would try to teach me shit about cars I’d get so angry at him.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I would get so annoyed. I’d be like “Dad, I’m never gonna remember this! This is horrible.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

And you don’t even own a car now! Fuck you, dad!

KYLE GETZ  

That’s true. Yeah, I won! [Mike laughs] Um-

MIKE JOHNSON

How ‘bout you?

KYLE GETZ

My gayest is I worked my first shift at the Trevor Project where I actually took phone calls.

MIKE JOHNSON

How did it go? A lot of hangups.

MIKE JOHNSON

Really?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, some people call in and they, like, get anxious or they just want to test out to see what the service is like, so there are lots of different reasons that someone may hang up. But, had some people hang up, had some people kind of talk about world events and, you know, had just a variety of kind of different calls.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I can understand a person, like, panic hanging up like as soon as there’s another person on the line, but did people hang up like well into the call?

KYLE GETZ

Sometimes, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Really? Wow.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. And that could be- Like, that could be some walked in the room and they don’t want to get found out, or something is overwhelming. Like, there’s a lot of reasons that could happen. And it’s- If anyone has considered calling in, like, people that are answering the phones are people like me that just care and want to talk so, if you’re in a crisis, please do it and use those services. Um, my straightest is now [chuckles] I had went to the Kraken game and, boy, it my straightest. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

There’s just, like- There’s just-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Are there any hot hockey boys?

KYLE GETZ  

Um, it’s- You can’t really see ‘em, because they’re all like behind their stuff.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ah.

KYLE GETZ

I mean, yes, there’re, like, you know, these like preview videos and all these videos that happen on these big screens and, absolutely, some super-duper hot like Kraken boys.

MIKE JOHNSON

Kraken… that whip. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

I’d let them Krak my… en. Kraken my… We- Our mascot is also a dumb troll that I fucking hate. It’s, like, the stupidest decision ever. Anyway, but that’s for sure my straightest thing of life.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. Uh, listener’s Gayest & Straightest.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo!

MIKE JOHNSON

We got to voicemail.

DONNA SUGGARZ [voicemail]

Hi, Mike and Kyle, it’s Donna Suggarz.

KYLE GETZ

Hi.

DONNA SUGGARZ [voicemail]

Loving the show. I’m officially caught up! I’m so happy. And hi, Derek. [in a sultry voice] So nice to meet you. Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs]

DONNA SUGGARZ [voicemail]

I just wanted to give you my Gayest & Straightest. I finished my bathroom, which is kind of both. So, my straightest would be working with tools, and caulking, and spackling, and sanding, and whatnot, and I think the gayest is when I was reattaching the handle for my douche nozzle on the wall, for convenience-

KYLE GETZ

[laughs]

DONNA SUGGARZ [voicemail]

-and realized… I can leave this here, because it’s my house. So, that was my Gayest & Straightest. I love you guys, I love the show, I’m so happy to be caught up! And, Mike, I do kinda want to fuck your younger brother. Sorry.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs]

DONNA SUGGARZ [voicemail]

Bye, Derek! Have a good day!

MIKE JOHNSON

Donna Suggarz.

KYLE GETZ  

Wooow!

MIKE JOHNSON

That was a journey.

KYLE GETZ

Thanks, Donna Suggarz. I felt… excited for you, I felt masc, I felt… a little bit left out of the hitting on. [Mike laughs] So, yeah, there’s a big journey there for all of us. Um, if you want to leave us your Gayest & Straightest, you have a far better likelihood of getting on the show if you actually leave a voicemail, because we like those. So, leave a message with your Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeaaah, do it.

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, I think that’s it, right?

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s it! We did it!

KYLE GETZ

We did it!

MIKE JOHNSON

Un, I would like to say thank you to all of the lesbian farmer army members-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, and they-

MIKE JOHNSON

-for killing Rush Limbaugh.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Yes, that was the biggest contribution. And corn. Um, and thank you to all the gay farmers. Thank you to our Gap Bridgers for voting on this topic. I think this ended up being a heavier one than I thought was going to, but I’m glad we talked about it. Um, thank you to our Super Gap Bridgers: Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Waddu…

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello.

KYLE GETZ

Hello, welcome. …Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thanks, everybody.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s it. This has been Gayish. From the Chris Khachatourians studios, I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you. See you next week.

MIKE JOHNSON

Byee.

KYLE GETZ

Farm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Farm?

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

MIKE JOHNSON  

The United Kingdom… includes Northern Ireland. That’s what all the fighting was about.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Yeah. Protestants and Catholics.

KYLE GETZ  

There’s something that’s not included in the United Kingdom.

MIKE JOHNSON

The rest of Ireland.

KYLE GETZ

The rest of Ireland. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s its own country.

KYLE GETZ

The rest of Ireland is not part of- but Northern Ireland is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which then was a problem because, when Brexit happened, now there’s like a border between them that, what do you do with it? Anyway, blah, blah, blah.

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]

Gayish: 327 666

Happy birthday!!! For the 6th anniversary of Gayish, Mike and Kyle talk about why 666 is actually lucky, the apocalypse, the Satanic Panic, why the gay rainbow flag is evil, gematria, and the self-fulfilling nature of stereotypes.

In this episode: News- 2:58 || Main Topic (666)- 17:11 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:13:44

We’re doing a 6-city live show tour! This year, we’ll be going to New York City, Seattle, Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Houston. See the tour dates and buy tickets at www.gayishpodcast.com/live.

On the weekly bonus Patreon segment, Mike and Kyle reminisce together on our 6 loooong years of doing this show. Get bonus audio, video, and other great benefits by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the podcasts universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ  

The “Per my last email,” of podcasts.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughing] Ma’am.

KYLE GETZ

Ma’am. Ma’am. Excuse me, ma’am. Ma’am!

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON

And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality, and happy birthday, Kyle!

KYLE GETZ

Happy mother fuckin’ birthday to us!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah! Open that wine!

KYLE GETZ

Euaah!

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Yeah, this is a Prosecco Rosé.

KYLE GETZ  

It combines our specific interests.

MIKE JOHNSON

Exactly.

KYLE GETZ

You like Prosecco, I like Rosé.

MIKE JOHNSON

Exactly.

KYLE GETZ

This is a- Just like this show, it’s a beautiful merging of our two… tastes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Happy 6th birthday, Kyle. [sound of a cork popping off a bottle]

KYLE GETZ  

Happy sixth birthday, Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

And thanks to Derek, for this awesome idea for an episode topic. We’re going to talk about 666-

KYLE GETZ

Yeeesss.

MIKE JOHNSON

-in honor of our 6th birthday.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m excited and nervous. I have some exciting things to talk to you about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, same. But first?

KYLE GETZ

But first.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Okay, so, uh, we do have 100 words this week.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo!

MIKE JOHNSON

As you, I’m sure, have heard us say a bajillion times: at a certain level of Patreon support, you can send in 100 words and I will say them. Doesn’t matter what they are. Uh, this week comes from Hal O’Mara. Here we go. “Hi, Gayish team. I have for you exactly 100 words, including these words, Kyle. Don’t @ me.”

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] This- This is- They’ve gotten so strategic on the 100 words. [Mike laughs] I love that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Hello, Canadian listeners. Would you consider signing e-Petition e-4268? This petition is seeking to extend refugee or asylum status to trans and nonbinary individuals from countries passing eliminationist laws, including previously safe Western countries such as the USA and England. You must be a resident of Canada to sign the petition. The petition is open to signatures until May 26th. You can find the petition by Googling ‘Petition e-4268’ or ‘Canadian transgender petition’. Thank you in advance for helping to keep our community safe.”

KYLE GETZ  

Did you count the words?

MIKE JOHNSON  

No, I didn’t count the words. What the fuck?

KYLE GETZ  

[sighs] I just wanted to know if it was exact.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, thanks, Hal!

KYLE GETZ

Thanks, Hal! And y’all use your words for such beautiful wonderful things, except for that lizard person. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, God. I was so tired when I did that, too. I was like in fuckin’ Scotland or somewhere.

KYLE GETZ

You brought feeling into it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. You know.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I bring my whole ass to work, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t half-ass it. I whole-ass it.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Umm, uh- Uh, per usual, for our 6th birthday we have a bunch of exciting announcements to share with you all. Some exciting things are in the air, and we’ll definitely get to all of that in a moment, but first, here’s the news.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

KYLE GETZ

[mumbled quietly, in a goofy voice] Fuck your mouth hole it’s time for the ass hole, bee, bur, bluuh.

MIKE JOHNSON

In honor of our 6th birthday, Kyle, I have six news stories. So I’m going to do them fast-

KYLE GETZ

Fu- Ooh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

-so that it doesn’t end up being like 45 minutes of just the news this episode.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, number one, news the first: a Trump appointed judge has blocked Tennessee’s anti-drag law.

KYLE GETZ

Ooooh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So- Yep. The state of Tennessee-

KYLE GETZ

Surprise.

MIKE JOHNSON

-was supposed to have a ban against, quote, “adult cabaret entertainment” with “male or female impersonators” that, quote, “could be viewed by a person who is not an adult.” So, basically, any public space that might have kids: no drag whatsoever. It was supposed to go into effect at midnight, uh, April 1st, so April Fool’s Day, which, that’s just- that’s pretty… You know. The whole thing is foolish, so I think that’s, you know, aptly timed. But uh, a US District Court Judge Thomas L. Parker – again, a Trump appointee – has handed down a 14-day temporary restraining order, and he said that, basically, the state had not provided, quote, “a clear answer to the Statute’s purpose considering”-

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] That’s- Right? Right? [Mike laughs] Thank you! Thank you. 100%.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, “considering current state obscenity laws, along with the Parties’ present filings on the Statute’s legislative history, the Court finds that Plaintiff has made a likely case for subjecting the Statute to strict scrutiny here.” Basically, he saying we live in a free civil society and, like, we- You- Just, no. You can’t- You can’t curtail freedom of speech that broadly and without explaining why.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, with no reason other than you’re trying to gain political points and attack an entire community.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep! Uh, news the second…

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, on Thursday, a federal judge in Texas eliminated a big component of the Affordable Care Act, in that they are no longer- They said it was unconstitutional to force people to pay for insurance that goes against their religion, and that PrEP – because that’s about butt sex – is against their religion so they shouldn’t have to pay for insurance that covers PrEP.

KYLE GETZ  

Fuck off. That’s- That’s so shitty. Like, you blame gays for AIDS and then you don’t want the thing that will prevent HIV transmission. Like, you’re- You’re the one creating the thing you’re angry about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Republicans! [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right. Well, and PrEP- In their in their filing, the plaintiffs said that PrEP violates their freedom of religion because of the Christian faith, but also says that PrEP, quote, “encourages homosexual behavior,” which… okay, maybe. So-

KYLE GETZ

Well-

MIKE JOHNSON

-it encourages my homosexual behavior!

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I was gonna say, ehhh. There’s a lot of dudes that have jizzed in my butt, thanks to PrEP.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, and, there are other ways to get HIV.

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right?

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s not just butt sex, you dumbasses.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, there’s a lot of different ways to get HIV, and PrEP doesn’t make you just, like, fall on the ground and put your legs in the air.

KYLE GETZ  

Speak for your- You know… [Mike laughs] different strokes for- [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

But the Biden administration says that they are going to appeal that ruling – which came out of the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals – on behalf of the Department of Justice and the Department of Health and Human Services.

KYLE GETZ  

We should be handing out PrEP, morning after pill, condoms. Like, all this shit should be like… you should be able to get it from a- on the sidewalk. Like, these things should be available to everyone, all the time, for free.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah! Absolutely! I’m gonna drink this wine now.

KYLE GETZ  

You should.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mmm.

KYLE GETZ

It’s delicious.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Just like my butt.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Eat my butt.

MIKE JOHNSON

News the third…

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON  

US Representative George Santos…

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, let’s start a story with him. [Mike laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh… did a good thing.

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

He has introduced a bill to ban US aid to countries that have laws or policies that discriminate against LGBT people.

KYLE GETZ

Oh! Because, out of all the fake things, he really is gay, right?

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Apparently so.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, that’s one that’s sticking?

MIKE JOHNSON

I guess.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, for now.

KYLE GETZ

Gayish.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’ll see. [chuckles] We’ll see what happens. Um, [chuckles] I love- This is from The Advocate – I just love how snarky their reporting can be sometimes [Kyle chuckles] – “Santos, a gay Republican who has been caught in numerous lies” [both chuckle] “and accused of crimes since being elected last fall, introduced House Resolution 1736, the Equality and Fiscal Accountability Protection Act of 2023” and, uh “It would require the State Department to assess a country’s human rights record before providing aid” and, in that, if they’re found to discriminate then they’re ineligible for US aid until they address the issue, and, uh, LGBTQ issues are included in that analysis, so-

KYLE GETZ

That’s amazing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Now, I- It’s also- We’ve said this before, it’s possible to do the right thing for the absolute wrong fucking reasons. And my guess is that they just like any process that they can put in place to keep us from giving money to other countries-

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh. Yeah, yeah yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-because “America first,” or whatever-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-is probably what’s really behind it.

KYLE GETZ  

‘Cause “We need more money for the military,” or somethin’?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Exactly. Exactly. Anyway, it just- I’m interested to see what happens with this bill because it’s like- First of all, it’s coming from that fuckface asshole dickbag, but also, like, what do Republicans do when they’re faced with- like, they have to choose between money for the military and not spending money on foreign countries with like their hatred of LGBT people, right?

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So what do you do? How do you support it?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, news the fourth…

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

A federal judge in Texas has ruled that 12 books that were removed by public libraries by the Llano County officials must be placed back onto shelves within 24 hours.

KYLE GETZ  

Hell yeah. My- Um, the district that I grew up in, my school district, is one of the ones in Texas that is actively working on banning these things. The school board is being taken over by extreme right-wing people that are just the worst and this is happening across the country, and in Texas especially.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

It’s scary and frustrating.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I hope I’m pronouncing it correctly. It’s “Llano” [saying it like “Ya-no”] County, I think. It’s L-L-A-N-O. Uh, Llano County. That’s San Antonio area. And uh, there were- These 12 books were all removed from the public libraries because of LGBTQ or race content.

KYLE GETZ

Critical race theory is absolutely getting attacked as well.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. And, uh-

KYLE GETZ

Which, how do you- Like, how do you teach the history of America? Like, what do you do? Like, “Columbus came and then here we are”? Like, wha- The textbook is two pages long.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Ab- Because we have to feel good about America, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

We don’t want little Timmy to feel bad about being white and American, I guess.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I dunno- Even though he probably should. [Mike chuckles, Kyle laughs] Um, Timmy’s an asshole, by the way.

KYLE GETZ  

Fuck Timmy.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [laughs] Uh, US District Judge Robert Pitman said, in his order, that the library system is required to put those books in their catalog and cannot remove them for any reason while the case is ongoing. Books ordered to return to the shelves include: “Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents” by Isabel Wilkerson; “They Called Themselves the K.K.K.: The Birth of an American Terrorist Group” by Susan Campbell Bartoletti; and “Being Jazz: My Life as a (Transgender) Teen” by Jazz Jennings.

KYLE GETZ  

I got my friends that book because they’re gonna have a baby.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s awesome.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. I went on the banned books list and got two kids books from the- from the list.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Aw, that’s- See, that’s how it’s done, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

I thought- I thought- I was very happy with that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Now, the defendants argued that the books were not targeted for their content but that they were just removed as part of their, quote, “regular ‘weeding’ process” following existing policies.

KYLE GETZ

It just so happens every single one’s LGBT or black. Like, that’s just coincidence!

KYLE GETZ

Right. Yep, exactly, and-

KYLE GETZ

“We’re not targeting anyone.”

MIKE JOHNSON

And that’s- That’s what- That’s what the judge said.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, he said that’s bullshit. Quote, “Whether or not the books in fact qualified for ‘weeding’ under the library’s existing policies, there is no real question that the targeted review was directly prompted by complaints from patrons and county officials over the contents of these titles,” and that’s against the First Amendment, at least according to this person, this judge. And so, we’ll see what happens. It is such a fucking terrifying, scary time, and, like, this is just one more example of like… if you are on this side, when has- when has anybody ever been on the side of banning books that turned out, historically, to be a good person?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Right?

KYLE GETZ

Yes, absolutely.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, you are on the wrong side of history, you fuckface dickbags.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON 

Happy birthday!

KYLE GETZ

Happy birthday to us! Fuck off!

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] News, the fifth…

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, former First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, who has been a champion of a lot of LGBT stuff in her reign as the first minister of Scotland, but she stepped down and allowed Hamza Yusuf to become the leader of the Scottish National Party. But she said that part of the reason that she stepped down was that her personal life was being exposed and she wants some privacy, but also she wasn’t cool with all of the rumors that she’s a lesbian.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh…

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, there’s this rumor going around that she was in a secret relationship with a French diplomat and that they were gonna buy a house from tennis star Andy Murray’s mom, Judy. Just, uh-

KYLE GETZ

[in a French accent] Bonjour, Madame.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, she- She said “I’ve got houses everywhere if you believe social media!” But yeah, there’s just this weird rumor mill that she’s a lesbian, which, I mean, her haircut’s kind of lesbian, but [Kyle laughs] uh… Do you-

KYLE GETZ  

I would become a lesbian if I got to have hot sex with a French diplomat. Oh, yeah. But I can also see her just being like, “Quirky mom!”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, she also has like a “I’m a mom!”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Anyway, so yeah. I didn’t realize that she had stepped down but I think that she did some pretty amazing things, especially with this fight over whether Scotland’s laws about transitioning would be allowed to stand. There was the big fight set up between the Scottish Parliament and, uh, UK Parliament.

KYLE GETZ  

You told me about that once.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, yeah. Scotland was like “Hey, we want to make it easier for people to transition and to change their gender markers on their documents,” and then the UK Parliament was like “No, you can’t, and we’re gonna stop it by telling the monarch not to sign it,” which isn’t a mechanism that’s used lightly, historically.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, and-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, when I talked about it- That’s, like, seen as a formality, that you just always give the like… what is it, queen’s…

MIKE JOHNSON

Royal Assent.

KYLE GETZ

…tipping of the hat?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. Well, now- Now the king.

KYLE GETZ

King, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But, you know…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. She dead.

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause she dead. [laughs] Happy birthday!

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Happy birthday. The Queen is dead, long live Gayish.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, turns out that she’s not leaving the Scottish Parliament, however. She is going to continue, just there’s a new SNP leader and a new First Minister. So she’s not- She’s not going anywhere, she’s just taking a little a stippy-step you step back.

KYLE GETZ

She a lesbian?

MIKE JOHNSON

She’s not a lesbian. She’s married to dude and they have, like… I think she has kids, even, with- not that that means anything. I wish I had a better Scottish accent or I would do my Nicola Sturgeon impre-.

KYLE GETZ

Do it!

MIKE JOHNSON

No, I can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. Sorry, Scotland, you’re gonna have to wait. Uh, news the last.

KYLE GETZ

[quietly] Wow. Ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

News the sixth, for our 6th birthday. I love this story. So, last week on Friday – that’s the 31st of March – TRUK United FC, a soccer – football – team, took to the field under captain Arthur Webber. They played against Dulwich Hamlet F.C. Supporters Team, at Champion Hill grounds in London. What’s special about this though is that TRUK United is made solely of trans men and transmasculine people. They have a whole soccer team that’s just trans dudes and transmasculine folks, and-

KYLE GETZ

Does- Does “Truck” mean something different than I-

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s T-R-U-K and that stands for…

KYLE GETZ  

Huh. Ohhh, acronym, that explains it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uhh, yeah, I don’t know what it stands for though.

KYLE GETZ  

Don’t worry, I’ll edit to make it sound like you knew right away.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great… It’s “Trans Radio UK.” Trans Radio UK.

KYLE GETZ  

“Radio”? Okay, we were on trucks and I got confused, now radio? I’m confused again. Doesn’t matter. I don’t- We don’t need to- That’s not the news story. That’s- That’s adorable!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Trans Radio is a, um, exactly what it sounds like: a radio media company owned and operated by trans folks, and they started the soccer team and the soccer team’s named after them so they are “TRUK”, Trans Radio UK. Anyway, they lost. [Kyle laughs] Um, but they said, quote, “The score didn’t matter at the beginning and it didn’t matter at the end. This was not about winning or proving ourselves against a cis team.” “The real win was always that we walked out onto the pitch, played, we’re visible and we’ve reclaimed our place in football.”

KYLE GETZ  

That sounds like what a loser would say. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, God. Yeah, anyway, I just- I’m just excited that there’s, like… I don’t know, an outlet, first of all, for that kind of activity. And then, I don’t know, I know like maybe three trans guys much less a whole soccer team worth, and so it’s pretty great.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, yeah. Like… that kind of positive visibility, showing trans people you can play sports, you can – I guess – have a radio station if you really want to. You can- You can do anything you set your heart to.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You can- You too can lose the game of soccer, if you really want to. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON  

If you put your mind to it. Anyway, that’s your special happy birthday news, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, speaking of people whose birthday it also is, thanks to the following Patreon people. Um, I want to thank Sabastian Madison – that’s two first names – Kyle Lang – ooh, that’s a great first name – Bethany Carrrrrr with two Rs-

MIKE JOHNSON

Carrrrr.

KYLE GETZ

-and [saying it in a high pitch] Pip!

MIKE JOHNSON

[also saying it in a high pitch] Pip!

KYLE GETZ

Pip!

MIKE JOHNSON

Pip pip!

KYLE GETZ

I’m sure it’s pronounced like that. Pip!

MIKE JOHNSON

Pip pip!

KYLE GETZ

Hi, I’m Pip! [Mike laughs] Um, thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon. If you want bonus episodes, content, if you want to make Mike read 100 words, go see all the benefits at patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Do it.

MIKE JOHNSON

You wanna talk about 666, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ  

I wanna pour myself one more wine.

MIKE JOHNSON

Alright, do it. Mmm.

KYLE GETZ

I got to hang back and drink while you had to spout through all the news. Oh, and now you’re gonna do more stuff too, right?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

What are you gonna do?

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, well, first of all…

KYLE GETZ

First of all…

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re gonna talk about 666.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

And I’m gonna talk to you about the history of 666.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

However…

KYLE GETZ

Howmever…

MIKE JOHNSON

We have something to address.

KYLE GETZ

What’s that?

MIKE JOHNSON

An email that we got from CFG. Here we go. “In the Gayish 320 Astrology podcast, when Mike was making fun of the Globes and of the DVL, he mentioned worshipping the DE VI L,” capital D-E, capital V-I, capital L, DE VI L, “Was the sarcastic? Sorry for asking, I don’t understand human sarcasm much. I’m not certain if-” “I’m not curtain if I should listen to Gayish then. I don’t need EVL in life.”

KYLE GETZ  

…Mike, do you worship the Devil?

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Stay tuned, everybody.

KYLE GETZ  

[gasps] You have to- That’s the- That’s our cliffhanger.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, we’ll see if we- either of us- Why- Why- Maybe I worship the Devil. Why not? What about me?

MIKE JOHNSON

Did I say I worship the Devil though?

KYLE GETZ

I don’t remember that. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

I- I don’t. I don’t. I-

KYLE GETZ

You come across as very Devil-friendly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Really?

KYLE GETZ

Uh- No. I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I- I mean, how big’s his dick? I don’t know. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

That’s true. 10 inches… exactly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yeah. All demons have 10-inch penises. [Kyle laughs] On the nose.

KYLE GETZ

Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

On- Right on the dick.

KYLE GETZ

Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Um… no, I do not worship the devil-

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-CFG. And, uh…

KYLE GETZ  

So you- Well, you could keep listening to Gayish but, unfortunately, I do worship the devil, so… eugh-eugh.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t know. I don’t know how to help you on that one.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Maybe- Maybe he only cares if I do.

KYLE GETZ

That’s true. That’s true. I’m the- I’m a goofy one, I can do whatever I want.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uhh, before we jump into it, do we want to make an announcement?

KYLE GETZ  

Why don’t we do a segment first and then we’ll do an announcement.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Okay, thanks, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. We have some very exciting announcements about us that you will be thrilled to hear. Hang on to your butts.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Alright, Kyle, what do you know about the number 666?

KYLE GETZ  

Umm… man, so little.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Do you have any fear of it or any associations like- like, if somebody invited you to a job interview and the place of work was gonna be 666 Fifth Avenue, which is a real place [Kyle chuckles] in New York City that’s owned by Jared Kushner apparently, uh-

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

-would you work there? Would you have any problems working there?

KYLE GETZ  

I could see him being the devil.

MIKE JOHNSON

He is.

KYLE GETZ

I could see, like, he just takes off his like [Mike laughs] weird banker dude face mask and he’s like [speaking like a garbled demon] “I’m the devil.” Um, no, I don’t- I’m not- It would be something I would notice. Like, you know, you get a receipt back and it cost $6.66 on the day of your flight or whatever. I would notice that, but I’m not gonna do anything about it. So I’m not, um, uh, patriotic. That’s not the word. I’m not-

MIKE JOHNSON

Superstitious.

KYLE GETZ

-superstitious! I’m not that patriotic either, now that I think about it. But no, I’m not superstitious. Are you? Do you care? Do you-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I just do not care.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I just do not care.

KYLE GETZ

Is it because it’s all lies and doesn’t actually mean anything?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Right. And, um, we’re going to talk a lot, I think, about… well, superstition… and the fact that it’s actually sort of racist to presume that your weird associations to numbers are like universal or have any grounding whatsoever.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm. Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, I guess I could talk about this now.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

The number 666, actually, in Chinese culture, is very very lucky.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s the shit I love, when one group of people has an association that is like “This is the devil number!” and another group says it’s lucky. That just is such a visible, obvious example of how things are- Just, so much is human create meaning from absolutely nothing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, absolutely. Absolutely. And, um, that just- I don’t know. That just proves it, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Oh, absolutely.

MIKE JOHNSON

In Chinese numerology the number is considered to be lucky and is often displayed in shop windows and neon signs. And, in China, 666 can mean, quote, “Everything goes smoothly,” because the number 6 has the same pronunciation as the character that means “smooth.” So “Smooth, smooth, smooth,” is 666 and they, like, use that all the time.

KYLE GETZ  

And also, like, that’s so interesting, just our weird associations. Like, it- You’d think there’s this big, complex ba- and it’s like “This sounds like this.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

And that’s how humans make associations.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Like, isn’t- Like, we’re just so like basic and easy to understand. Like, “This sounds like this,” here we go.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Totally right. Totally, totally right. So uh, the 666, in Western culture – in Western Christian culture – 666 is just because of the Devil. And, uh- I said “Devil” but I met Bible. Am I worshipping the Devil right now?

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle laughs] Are we- Are we- [Mike chuckles] By doing this episode, is this a form of Devil worship? The Devil probably gets off on people talking about him.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[in a raspy demonic voice] Beelzebub! Yeah. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know. [both laugh] I’m gonna start speaking in tongues.

KYLE GETZ  

I think the Devil just spoke [Mike laughs] through you now. Maybe I am superstitious. I’m nervous.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, 666 is in the Bible. It is in the book of Revelations, first shows up in chapter 13 verse 18, and it is known as the number of the beast. So, in most translations of the Bible, the number of the beast is six hundred sixty-six and is referenced in this verse. So, “And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.” “Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is 666.” So, do you know what eschatology is?

KYLE GETZ  

Is it the study of snails?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes. [both chuckling] Yes!

KYLE GETZ

Uh, no. I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Escargotology?

KYLE GETZ

Yes. No, I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Eschatology is the study of the end of the world.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Especially as it pertains to like prophecies and religious-

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-the religious end of the world.

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

And the book of Revelation is that, but uh-

KYLE GETZ  

This is what my- When I was a kid I didn’t go to church, all my friends did, everyone around me was a Christian. And when I was at, like- I remember, one of my earliest sleepovers, my friends would be like [quietly] “Have you heard about the end of the world?” Like, they were talking about Bible stuff. They’re like [quietly] “It’s really scary.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, they were scared. Like, this shit, it’s- As adults, and as someone who’s atheist, I can now kind of like laugh about it or joke about it. Like, this scares the shit out of kids.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I remember hearing that the end of the world was gonna come and it was gonna be fire and- and torture and all this shit, and then they were scared of it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So, like, this has real- This is not just “These are fun, make-believe stories that people tell each other,” these terrify children.

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely, yeah. That’s what they’re intended to do, right? Like-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. “You better fuckin’ straighten up.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Keep your shit together.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s like, uh, I don’t know. It’s like kids and Santa in December, right?

KYLE GETZ

Mm. Mhm! Mhm!

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, that’s when they start behaving because, like, he’s coming soon.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep

MIKE JOHNSON

Which, the idea of Santa is terrifying, right? Like, he breaks into your house at night, eats your shit, leaves gifts. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, you have to leave the cookies or else he’s gonna not- Like, you may- He may just leave you a package of coal? That’s like some crazy ex-boyfriend shit.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah! Okay! Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

  1. Oh.

KYLE GETZ

What is- Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

I got interested in- I got interested in eschatology as a kid because of the Prince song, “7”.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I don’t know this.

MIKE JOHNSON

I think he was a symbol at that point, so it was the artist formerly known as Prince.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I remember that time.

KYLE GETZ

And he put out the song “7”.

KYLE GETZ

Hm. I don’t know it.

MIKE JOHNSON

[singing] All 7 and we’ll watch them fall. [speaking] You know this song?

KYLE GETZ

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, it’s great.

KYLE GETZ

Okay!

MIKE JOHNSON

And it is filled with, like, book of Revelations stuff.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, it talks about the seven seals and the horsemen of the apocalypse, and like it covers a whole bunch of shit so I got really into, like, unlocking like “What do the lyrics of this song mean?” and that sent me down this like rabbit hole. I was also kind of a bible thumper at that point, involved in youth group and went-

KYLE GETZ

Hm. Ohh, you went to youth group?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Whoa, that’s cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

But I had this whole thing about like trying to understand the end of the world, and like read the book of Revelation, and know what was going to happen, and, um, it really kept my mind off of this whole being gay thing.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Okay. You needed some distraction from the thing about loving men?

MIKE JOHNSON  

But um, the mark of the beast, in Revelation, is required- Well, some people say- interpret that passage as being some kind of requirement, that towards the end of the world you’re going to have to have this thing in order to do, uh, commerce, in order to buy or sell anything. It specifically mentions buying and selling and this is associated with it. So, when barcodes became a thing, like in the 80s, for cash registers, everybody was like “Oh, it looks weird. That’s the mark of the beast.” Like, they’re- Christians are crazy, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. And as we talked about, humans make weird connections between shit.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And uh, a number of people now think that it’s supposed to be like a RFID chip implanted under your skin. But it creates this whole, like, fear of financial instruments and which one of them is going to be the mark of the beast that everyone’s gonna have to be tattooed, or stamped, or injected with a thing just so that they can like live their everyday life.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s really odd.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

But it’s also – and we’ll talk about this a lot more later, in a future segment – it’s supposed to be someone’s name, and that like if you know what you’re doing you can figure out who the Antichrist is because it’ll- it’ll- Their- His number will be 666.

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, “Donald” has six letters in it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, we will definitely get to that.

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, “Trumps” has six letters too. Donald Trumps.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You know, the president, [Mike laughs] Donald Trumps.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, God, Kyle. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, what else did I want to tell you about this before we move on? Apparently, Nancy and Ronald Reagan, they- their address was 666 St. Cloud Road and they had it changed. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Do it like 665.5 or somethin’?

MIKE JOHNSON

  1. 668.

KYLE GETZ

I liked the idea of, like, one of them got up with like a pen-

MIKE JOHNSON

-a Sharpie. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

-or- Yeah, just like drew an extra little thing attached to the 6 and is like “This is an 8 now.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, lots of places that have changed the address from 666 to something else. There was a Route 666, in New Mexico, and they changed that to U.S. Route 491.

KYLE GETZ  

Whoa. Wow. They kinda- They kind of went all over.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Um, a New Mexico spokesperson said, quote, “The devil’s out of here, and we say goodbye and good riddance,” like… we showed him. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, got ‘em. The Devil can’t access this road no more.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, lots of people are actually afraid of the number. It’s gotta be a trauma response to, like, what you’re talking about. Like, we scare the shit out of little kids with all this fucked up messaging and-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, anyway, the fear of the number 666 is called “hexakosioi-”… “hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia”.

KYLE GETZ  

Damn, I’m scared of that word.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Yeah, I am too.

KYLE GETZ

That’s called “hexatosahexahuvahuvaphobiaphobia”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well… [Kyle chuckles] Say it again? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Hexatosahexaphobahexanosaphobia.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobiaphobia.

KYLE GETZ  

You called me a bad name in there some- [Mike laughs] I think you insulted me somewhere in that process, and I can’t pick it up because-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um… 666. It’s all- Not all, but it’s primarily Christian in origin and is all about this, like, bullshit idea that you can tell the future.

KYLE GETZ

Hm. Huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Antichrist.

KYLE GETZ

Antichrist.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-are the Antichrist.

MIKE JOHNSON

Nope.

KYLE GETZ  

We’ll get to that?

MIKE JOHNSON

We’ll get to that.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Do you want to make an announcement now?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, let’s make an announcement!

KYLE GETZ  

Which one do you do- Do you want to make the big one?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Which- What’s the big one? [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Don’t make me whip out the big one.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Sure. In honor of our sixth birthday, everyone, we are announcing here- Hey, listen up!

KYLE GETZ  

Hey, shut the fuck up. [Mike laughs] Put down your dishes, pull over on the side of the road, uh… wake up! [claps]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

[clapping] Viewer’s falling asleep. Wake up!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. [singing quickly, incoherently] Svaguwvadva, wake up! [both laugh] [speaking] What’s that song?

KYLE GETZ  

[singing quickly] Grab a brush and put a little makeup! Hide the scars to fade away the shake-up!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. Now we got a-

KYLE GETZ  

[singing quickly] You wanted to! Why’d you leave the keys upon the table? You wanted to! Here you go create another fable, you wanted to!

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m impressed, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

I used to know all of the words to that song. I loved that album.

MIKE JOHNSON

You should do that for karaoke.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhhh, [Mike laughs] that’d be so good. I’m gonna practice right now. De-

MIKE JOHNSON  

No. Shut up.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

…Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

In honor of our 6th birthday [Kyle laughs] we are announcing a six-city tour for 2023, and I’m so fuckin’ excited, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

It’s gonna be so exciting. We’re going to cities we haven’t been to, and herem they are.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Here are the dates, I will be announcing venues and whatnot later on: Sunday, June the 4th we will be in New York City; Friday, June 23rd we’ll be in Seattle for Seattle Pride; Saturday, July 29th we will be in Chicago, Illinois; Sunday, August 20th in San Francisco, California; Sunday, September 10th in Los Angeles; and then Saturday, October the 15th we will be in Houston, Texas, ending in Kyle’s backyard.

KYLE GETZ

My- That’s where I grew up!

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, we would love for you to come to this, please. And, um, yeah. A couple of things: New York City tickets are on sale now, which you can find by going to gayishpodcast.com/live.

KYLE GETZ

Yep, all the dates and cities will be on there but yes, we will have a link on that page in order to buy tickets and we’re gonna do a presale so buy them now.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

They will be discounted tickets now, and then soon the price is gonna go up so get ‘em now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep! New York City is on sale now. They are- Tickets are $24 but that’s gonna include a drink ticket, so come enjoy some booze with us.

KYLE GETZ  

You were gonna spend $24 on a glass of alcohol anyway, so…

MIKE JOHNSON

In Manhattan, absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, and uh, all of the other dates the tickets will go on sale May 1st, so um…

KYLE GETZ  

If you’re a Patreon member check out Patreon, we’re gonna post a discount link. You can either get a discount by buying the presale tickets, which for New York is up now, or, if you’re a Patreon member it’s not just presale. Anytime, you can get discount by just being a Patron member.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, all Patreon supporters are gonna get a discount.

KYLE GETZ

So check Patreon-

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, half off. 50% off.

KYLE GETZ  

So check Patreon.com for your code to use at checkout. I’m- I’m very excited about the tour. I also want, like- I don’t- I don’t know- I never know what people think about how big, or small, or whatever we are. Like, we’re- Like, this is- We did a tour a few cities last year, we’re doing a few more this year… We’re still kind of testing the waters to see if we want to do these and if people want these, so, like, please, if you’re in the area and you’re like debating… like, please come see us, please buy a ticket. We will be both excited to see you and that’ll help us do more of these in the future if we- If- You know, if no one shows up then we will stop doing them, so.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, exactly. And this is our 6th birthday tour, it is not the tour that we’ve been talking about for Patreon. Uh, we still haven’t quite hit our financial goals to do a full-on tour, hopefully next year.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So if you want to help us get there, you know, join Patreon so that we can do the full meal deal next year.

KYLE GETZ  

Full- Yeah, more cities, and we’ve been talking about doing like kind of a big- At the end of a- When we hit that goal, do a big kind of celebration at the end, like weekend. Like, have everyone come to some city. Um, so we’re still figuring out those, you know, what we might do with that, but we got to hit our Patreon goal for the full-fledged tour, so.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, absolutely. And actually, if we hit that goal doing a- Like, we’re gonna do a full like weekend meet up extravaganza. We’re gonna have, I dunno, balloons and uh-

KYLE GETZ

Sure. Streamers, probably.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mom said that she would run a fortune telling booth.

KYLE GETZ

Oohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Look forward to that.

KYLE GETZ

But, for now, New York. Buy tickets.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Everywhere else, May 1st. Buy tickets.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And I’ll be announcing the venues also, as soon as like the ink is dry and all this stuff.

KYLE GETZ  

Cool. Should I tell you what I’m gonna tell you?

MIKE JOHNSON

Do whatever the fuck you want to, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Well then I’m gonna tell you about the Satanic Panic.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah you are.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s cute ‘cause it rhymes.

KYLE GETZ

It’s cute ‘cause it rhymes… [Mike laughs] and it’s fucking horrifying.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay. Great.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. I got most of this information from a 2021 New York Times [makes a fart noise] article by Alan Yuhas, and a 2016 article on WNYC Studios. Um, and I gonna to talk both about D&D and the Satanic Panic. They’re, like, parallel but oftentimes places separate them into two different… like, they talk about one or the other, but I’m just gonna talk about both of them. So-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Can you imagine how much quicker shit would have gotten out of hand if the internet had been a thing then?

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god!

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? Like, the whole country was like losing their fucking minds and they didn’t even have like cell phones yet.

KYLE GETZ  

Do you- [Mike chuckles] What do you either know or remember about, like- This all took place during the 80s. Like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I remember the bus driver on my bus, my school bus – because my ride to school was like almost an hour every day because I lived in the country – and there were certain radio stations that the bus driver wouldn’t let us listen to because they were “devil music”. And uh, I remember a new radio station came on board. I’m trying to remember what the context was. I was very young. I was like, I don’t know, 6, 7, 8 years old, somethin’ like that, and somebody actually said “Cliff!” – our bus driver’s name was Cliff – “Cliff, can you turn it to 99.4?” – whatever the fuckin’ station was – “It’s not devil music, I promise.” [Kyle laughs] And, like, at that time he was like legit concerned… First of all, he ran like a bowling team for Jesus that he tried to get me involved in.

KYLE GETZ

Bowling for Jesus, sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

But, uh- But also, like, you know, had a legit concern that like playing the wrong kind of music to this bus full of kids was gonna turn them into Satan worshippers. So, like-

KYLE GETZ  

There was a lot of unfounded, and misplaced, [Mike chuckles] and genuine fear among people, like that, with things that sound ridiculous. Okay, there’re some things that led up to it from the 70s. Uh-

MIKE JOHNSON

It is the 80s though, that you’re talking about.

KYLE GETZ

It is the 80s, yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

But just some, like, context: like, in the 70s we started getting all these serial killers. Charles Manson – he was 1969 – but he was a cult leader, and a musician-

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

-and the group, the cult, was responsible for the murder of nine people. There was Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, the Son of Sam… There wasn’t more serial killers, there was just more coverage-

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

-of serial killers, in the 70s. Ted Bundy’s trial was the first one to be televised. “The Exorcist”, the film, came out in 1973.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oo.

KYLE GETZ

So there are these things-

MIKE JOHNSON

Did you see the exorcist?

KYLE GETZ

I did. I saw it, like, as an adult with my dad, and we decided to- my dad was just like “We should see this,” and it was kind of laughable-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-now that I’m, like, looking back on it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I’m sure it was terrifying at the time. Like, you know, things- special effects are way better now.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And the pacing of movies from the 70s is always so weird to me.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like… things take a lot longer, they do a lot more like long shots of, like- of not interesting things, to create tension or something. [Kyle laughs] I don’t know. Anyway.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So what really kicks off the kind of D&D portion of this is, in 1979, a 16 year old named James Dallas Egbert – Eegbert? – III disappeared from Michigan State University. Warning, this will get a little bit, uh…

MIKE JOHNSON

Grisly?

MA JOHNSON

A little bit. Uh, he disappeared and no one knew what happened to him. Turns out he tried to kill himself, but didn’t.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

But he- So, he kind of went into hiding. So there was all this media frenzy about him. He did- Later, in 1980, he did die by suicide, but there was this kind of mass scare of “Where is he?” and then the investigators found his D&D books.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay.

KYLE GETZ

And so people thought he, like, he went into the tunnels of the school because D&D, like, sends adventurers into dungeons and shit. Like, people thought that D&D was responsible for what happened to him.

MIKE JOHNSON  

They found him in the tunnels of the school?

KYLE GETZ  

They did not find him there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

He did- I think he did actually go there to try to kill himself and then he, like, left but then they investigated and looked in there and they, like, made this connection with D&D and that kind of kicked off this D&D fear, this association with D&D. And there were, beyond that, a lot of people who they connected to either murders or suicides that then they saw had D&D books.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, I don’t know. If you look around the country at these and every so often there’s a D&D book, I’m sure you can find a pattern out of anything.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, when I was going to school in the 90s at Eastern Washington University – uh, I don’t know why this is popping up for me, but – there was the rumor that somebody was living in the basement of the anthropology building.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, God.

MIKE JOHNSON

And-

KYLE GETZ

That’s kinda scary.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, exactly. And then- But, um, the one that I really want to talk about is: there was the devil door.

KYLE GETZ  

What’s the devil door?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I think a lot of- I think a lot of colleges have their like weird local lore-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and bullshit that just like persists, but the devil door was… There was the rumor that back in the day, in the 80s, I think, that there was a kid that lived in one of the residence halls and that he was worshipping the devil and had all of these like satanic rituals in his room and that, ultimately, he died as a result of these and that a face of the devil appeared on his door. [Kyle gasps] And now the school can’t remove the door and they can’t get rid of the devil face, and so, like- And it’s- It was supposed to- And it’s not like- It’s not like a really sharp picture but it’s supposed to be like in the woodgrain of the door, is this like face of the devil.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But it was like “The devil door is a thing, and whoever lives there is cursed!” And, like, there were like several different places on campus that were supposed to have the devil door on them. And I wonder if this is a holdover from that, though, right? Like-

KYLE GETZ  

That absolutely makes sense. People started being genuinely worried that there was satanic worship, that there were sacrifices. Like, people- Like, this became- That would absolutely fit in with kind of what people’s fears were around Satan, the Devil, worship, all that kind of stuff.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, so one-

MIKE JOHNSON

When we gonna talk about pole dancing and Lil Nas X?

KYLE GETZ  

I- Whenever you want to.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great. Go ahead.

KYLE GETZ

I have so much more, Mike. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Okay, great. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

It’s so much more to tell you.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’ll stop interrupting, then. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

No. No, no, no, please don’t, otherwise I’m gonna bore myself by just talking. [Mike laughs] In the early 80s, one of the kids who died by suicide, um, their- his mom, Patricia Pulling…

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. My mom’s name is Patricia.

KYLE GETZ

Then you’re- So, your mom. No, we hate her, so it’s not your mom.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

We don’t wanna make that connection.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Um, she sued the makers of D&D for his death.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Oh.

KYLE GETZ

She started, uh- A Christian group started like speaking out against D&D because it was “evil” and all this stuff. Patricia Pulling, in 1983, started the group B.A.D.D., Bothered About D&D.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, God. That is B.A.D.D.… naming.

KYLE GETZ  

That- Yeah. That- Yeah. [Mike chuckles] Patricia…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…let’s start by working on your acronyms.

MIKE JOHNSON  

One time, my uncle got a phone call from MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving-

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and he- [laughs] he said “Oh, that’s funny, I’m a founding member of DAMM… Drunk Drivers Against Mad Moms,” or whatever. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

I’m a founding mom- founding father of… Hanging Up the Phone.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Of this noise: [makes a hanging up noise].

MIKE JOHNSON

Pulling, Patricia Pulling, described D&D as, quote, “a fantasy role-playing game which uses demonology, witchcraft, voodoo, murder, rape, blasphemy, suicide, assassination, insanity, sex perversion, homosexuality, prostitution, satanic type rituals, gambling, barbarism, cannibalism, sadism, desecration, demon summoning, necromantics, divination and other teachings.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah… that’s why it’s fun. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

I know, right?

MIKE JOHNSON

No.

KYLE GETZ

Also, love- Well, I mean, it does use a lot of those things, it’s true. Like, you can be- Like, you can cast spells, and you kill shit, and- I don’t know that there’s, like, suicide in it. Like, I mean, anything can have any kind of- Your storyline kind of whatever, but, like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I have no data here, I’m just gonna confidently state shit because that’s how I roll-

KYLE GETZ

Sure. Yeah, do it.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and I’m pretty sure we’ve studied it over and over and over again and found that people, on the whole, do not confuse fantasy with reality. Video games don’t make kids more violent, cartoons don’t make kids more violent, D&D doesn’t make people actually go into the tunnels of their school, or worship the devil, or cast spells.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, normal healthy human beings are just fine at separating fantasy from reality. Stop policing your kid’s fantasy life.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. And, if anything, it gives them this kind of power, and agency, and control in a fun world, that you get to be the hero of an adventure. And, you know, regardless of what else is going on in life, you actually get to lead this adventure and be the hero of your own- like, have the starring role in this thing?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

It’s probably actually a benefit. It probably actually gives them more confidence.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep, absolutely. And what do you expect from, like- Well- Oh, God.

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

What do you expect from religion… right? Like, religion is all about the supernatural and the belief that there are dark evil forces that have their hands in our day to day lives, and, like, of course you’re afraid of shit like that if like that’s your worldview.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s- None of its real!

KYLE GETZ  

It’s- None of it’s real.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, sorry. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Um, so that’s the D&D side of this, happening in the 80s – in the early 80s – is when bad started. Also, other contexts of the 80s. Due to the women’s rights movements, movement, more women were going to work and that meant more people-

MIKE JOHNSON

We gotta put a stop to that! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

You know, conservatives were – and the religious right were – “ascendant”, is what I wrote. I would- I don’t know. And they were, like, trying to emphasize the nuclear family, I think, in like conflict- in count to this counterpoint. Like, anytime someone starts to get rights, or do something helpful, the Christians and the religious right are like [in a mocking voice] “Wait, what about the family?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Which, you know, we’re seeing now. But, because parent moms had to now go to work as well, that led to more daycares and people started to feel guilty about sending their kids to daycares. Also, at the same time, we started realizing and accepting that child sexual abuse was real. Like, there was this kind of public reckoning and understanding that this was a real thing that was really happening. People had, like, denied it and didn’t want to believe that this kind of thing happened, and we as a society were just finally accepting that that is true. And so, these things came together to mean that people started blaming and attacking these daycare centers and saying that they were molesting children, basically.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ah.

KYLE GETZ

The biggest one… [Mike chuckles] What?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Meanwhile, churches were. Like- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Churches are actually doing this shit. Exactly. [in a mocking voice] “We care about the family, we’re the Religious Right, we’re worried about children getting molested,” molests children, like, themselves. Um, so the biggest one happened in 198-

MIKE JOHNSON

Happy birthday! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Happy birth to us! Devil worship. 1983, the same year that B.A.D.D. started, a woman accused an employee at the McMartin preschool of abusing her child.

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Kay.

KYLE GETZ

They- As a result of this, the preschool sent out a letter to hundreds of students and said “This person” one of the employees, Randy somethin’, “got arrested for abusing your child. Ask your children if they were abused at this preschool.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh my god.

KYLE GETZ

They had an- They had someone, uh-

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh my god.

KYLE GETZ

Not a police. They had someone come in and interview children. Someone that didn’t get a- had a welder’s certificate-

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

-did not get a degree-

Sure, okay.

KYLE GETZ

-interview hundreds and hundreds of kids, asking them. And, at the time, we did not know how to interview kids, so they- she would keep asking them. I listened to an episode of My Favorite Murder about this, and she said that, like, some of the things this woman said when interviewing kids is “Are you stupid, or do you know that this happened?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh my god. Oh my god!

KYLE GETZ

Or they would ask and they would-

MIKE JOHNSON

They’re probably stupid but… [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

You’re probably stupid, you’re a dumbass little kid. And we were wrestling with, like, “You’re a dumbass little kid, but believe children because abuse is real,” so then people were now believing everything they said, and you could make kids say whatever. A lot of the kids like later would say that “I knew that I wasn’t leaving this interview room until I said it happened.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

This led to claims of wh- not only abuse, but children claimed that some of the teachers flew, physically flew around the air-

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

-that there was a tunnel of pipes underneath that- And, like, that sent investigators to, like… “Are there pipes under this school that lead to a different place?” No, there’s not.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. There’s no basement to that pizza place either, right? Like- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. Yes, yes. This is so similar to that. People just created this- They claimed that they were sacrifi- like, they sacrificed animals. Which, if that’s the case, there’s blood. There’s fucking tons of blood and evidence. None of this is substantiated, still we spent $15 million prosecuting six people. Originally, it was six people. After a week, they dropped- Uh- Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Kyle, did you ever read The Crucible?

KYLE GETZ  

I feel like I did, in school, and then promptly forgot it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s just about the Salem witch trials and how just, like, absolutely hysterical people can get and how people feel compelled to, like, give evidence because then that means that, like, the- it’s off of them.

KYLE GETZ

Off- Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? Like-

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like “I won’t get accused if I do all the accusing, so here we go,” right?

KYLE GETZ  

Yes, it’s…. the Donald Trump story.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, [laughs] the Donald Trump story. Happy indictment week, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god, we didn’t t- [Mike laughs] Yeah. What a joyous day for all of us. Um, prosecutors originally charged seven employees with more than 100 counts of child molestation. A week later, they dropped the ch- A week later!

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

They dropped the charges against five of them, saying they didn’t have the evidence.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure

KYLE GETZ

Like, that’s not enoug- A week later? You knew.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

But the trial went on. I mentioned that ‘83 was when she first accused. The trial went until 1990.

MIKE JOHNSON

Jesus, fuck. Why does shit take so long? [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

There were never any charges filed agai- Like, they either- It was either a mistrial or charges were dropped. Like, there were never any charges, any- No one was ever found guilty as a result of this.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, if that shit fell apart real quick, you should’ve done a better job of welding, I guess. [Kyle laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Stick to fucking welding. [Mike chuckles] So this was the big- one of the biggest cases, one of the earliest cases, but this happened to dozens of childcare centers across the country. There were these- People were sharing information about Satan cults and devil worship and everything at, like, conferences. So FBI, police, psychologists, like all these people were sharing all this information about devil worship and all this stuff, to get everyone worried.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

In 1985 there was a 20/20 segment about Satan worship, and they said that rock music was associated with devil worships.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

In 1985, there was also a 60 Minutes that had a special on D&D like asking about whether, you know, it was safe. 1988, NBC had a special hosted by Geraldo Rivera. As a result of this, this big panic in the 80s, 200 people were charged with crimes and dozens of people were mostly falsely convicted of some of these crimes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow. Wow.

KYLE GETZ

So it is this wild, I think, combination of we were wrestling… we were wrestling with child abuse, we swung too far in believing children, didn’t know the proper techniques to believe and understand children who talked about an abuse, and we took this moral panic and ran with it in the media with no- absolutely no evidence. And that seeped into culture and society, to the point that, like, we’ve talked to- When we went to our friend’s wedding her mom was like “Isn’t D&D, like, Satan worship?” and I- hopefully, I tried to be- have calmly like “Oh, no. Like, that’s not true, that’s-” Like, but people still today will associate D&D with, like- We take things without evidence because we heard them on the news, and news can stoke the flames of fear. Christians, right-wing people stoke the flames of this fear that led to millions of dollars, hundreds of people’s lives…. I mean I’m guessing probably being ruined, if you’re being charged with this shit.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So it’s- It’s… God, a fucking wild time. I’m- I also assume that there was a male guy that worked at the child- the, uh, McMartin’s place. I have- I- Nothing said he- I believe he was straight. Nothing said that he was gay, but I have to think that people were, like, weirded out by a dude at a-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-um, preschool.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, I suppose they probably should be, [chuckles] right? I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ  

What? No! They shouldn’t. Mike, you take that back.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, take it back.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. That’s the Satanic panic.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. God, what a- You’re right, it was a weird time. And, like, I remember I started playing Dungeons and Dragons in the late 80s.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

And there were friends of mine that weren’t allowed to play-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-because Satan.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Especially like in high school, like ’92, ‘93. One of my very best friends, his dad was our youth group leader and was just like “No. You can play other role playing games that don’t have spells.” [Kyle laughs] That was the-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, that one got such a bad rap.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But, also, kind of helped increase their sales? Like, it was this weird kinda-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, it’s counterculture then, right? Like-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. And more people know about it! Like- Yeah. If your parents say “Don’t play this game,” what’s the first thing you want to do, as a kid?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Did you ever do the, like, the Bloody Mary thing, of, like-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, no.

MIKE JOHNSON

-like lock yourself in a dark bathroom and say “Bloody Mary,” however many times in the mirror and she’d appear?

KYLE GETZ  

I’ve heard that but no, I never did that.

MIKE JOHNSON

I associate that with all of this bullshit.

KYLE GETZ

That makes sense to me, but I- Yeah, that didn’t come up in anything I looked at but that makes sense, is all of this is tied together somehow.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, here’s something that doesn’t make sense, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

So, Christians and symbolism: Christians don’t have a lock on that, right? Like, there’re lots of different cultures and religions that have all of these, like, ideas about what these symbols mean, and numbers are very very often a target – or, a conduit – for these kinds of ideas. And, in Christianity, there’s this idea that the number 7 is perfect, that there were the seven days of creation and, um-

KYLE GETZ  

Seven minutes in heaven… [laughs] That’s- That’s Christian, right?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Is that- Is that true? Is that true?

KYLE GETZ  

No, that’s makin’ out in the closet.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Well, okay.

KYLE GETZ

Seven dwarfs.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well…

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] So many Christian references I can come up with.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, so, the number 7 is the biblical number for perfection and completeness, so there’s the seven days of creation, the seven sacraments, the seven seals, and 6 – one short of seven – is the biblical number representing sin and imperfection. And this ties into the idea that 666 is an evil number, and it’s hard to know- There’s a cart and horse problem here, right? Like is- is 666 evil because the number 6 is sin and imperfection, or is 6 the number of sin and imperfection because of 666- It’s just- It doesn’t make a ton of sense but there’s this whole article that I read, on churchmilitant.com-

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and it’s called “The Gay Rainbow Is a Mark of the Beast”. [Kyle gaps] Right? Which, I think- [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Well, I mean, they might have a point. I’ll wait to withhold judgment ‘til I hear more, but they might- it might be true. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, so it says in here that the reason that the rainbow is seven colors is because it’s perfect. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. That is- That represents a message of God’s “perfection and completeness”, and, quote, “In the post-diluvian era, it’s intuitive that God would bestow upon the earth the seven-colored rainbow. By fixing a seven-colored rainbow in the sky, God emblazoned the very instrument of earth’s prior destruction (the rain cloud) with a sign of His oath of mercy and forbearance.” [Kyle chuckles] He goes on. This is my favorite, “The LGBT rainbow mocks God. It is a six-colored rainbow.”

KYLE GETZ  

That- Yeah, it’s true.

MIKE JOHNSON

And- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

We dropped one of the colors along the way.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Just so we can thumb our noses at God. He says “The LGBT banner celebrates a debauched group, one swollen with contumacious pride, composed of those who thumb their noses at God through a counter-natural abuse of human sexuality”.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I thumb my nose at you, God!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh my god. “The rainbow flag flaunts a Luciferian attachment to sin.” [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

“Luciferian”? That’s a $10 word.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. “a commitment to remain fixed in it. It represents an allegiance to the privations of the creature rather than to the plenitude of the Creator.” I-

KYLE GETZ  

This is someone that is just using big words to sound like they know what they’re talking about. This is someone that is, like- When I took the SAT or like the STAAR test back in Texas – or, TAAS back then – our teachers would tell us one big word before we sat down and they were like “Everyone, use this one big word in your writing and you’re gonna sound- it’s gonna make your essay sound even better.” Right before we sat down, just taught us one word. And it sounds like some teacher- One, that’s a weird teaching technique, but that sounds like someone just like looked up a bunch of big words and was like “Ah, yes, ‘The plentitude of survivorship of the Luciferian dream,’” or something. Like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, here’s-

KYLE GETZ  

That doesn’t help.

MIKE JOHNSON

Congrats, you have a Bible and a thesaurus. I’m very proud of you, you dickbag.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, so, uh, he goes on and talks about- Okay, first of all, have you seen a fucking rainbow? Like a real, actual, in the sky rainbow? It does not have seven distinct colors. That is not how rainbows work.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. [laughs] No, there’s lines in between each one [Mike laughs] so you can distinctly count. Yeah, yeah yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s- That’s not- It’s- Every color is in the rainbow. There’s not- So, there is no seven colored rainbow, much less a six colored rainbow.

KYLE GETZ  

Do rainbows have infinity colors?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes!

KYLE GETZ

Huh! Never thought.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yes! Yes, every color.

KYLE GETZ

Every color.

MIKE JOHNSON

And more than the colors that you can see.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, when we say “ultraviolet” light that’s because it’s beyond the end of the rainbow. The rainbow keeps going, your eyesight just doesn’t pick it up, because there’s more co- Anyway.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. And it gets me tan.

MIKE JOHNSON

And infrared, same thing. Past- Yeah, and it gets you tan. Okay, so I said earlier that, like, the mark of the Beast is thought, by eschatologists, to be this thing that you’re going to have to have in order to do commerce.

KYLE GETZ

Mm. Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? Like, to buy and sell stuff?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So this guy is pulling in this idea that, because companies now have to make rainbow versions of their logos for Pride in order to be successful at selling shit, the-

KYLE GETZ

Ohhhhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-rainbow flag is the mark of the beast. It is the 666 for modern companies.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay, in a fucked up way, if you think that 666 is gonna show up in commerce and there are six colors of the rainbow – the gay rainbow – and companies- Like, I can see all the connection there, but in the same way I can draw dotted lines between literally two things, like, and just pretend like- Like lizards and baseball bats. Like, I’ve- If I ever see them two together, and then I’m- You know?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, abso- And there’s something about most religions, but Christianity in particular, where you get to just say things [Kyle chuckles] that are just so and everyone will smile and nod. [Kyle chuckles] Like, no further information needed.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, “I believe that.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, there’s so much circular reasoning to all of these things, and-

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, it’s their foundation. Like, the justification for why the Bible is real is “The Bible exists.” Like, the foundation of their logic is based on circular reasoning.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Absolutely. Yep, absolutely. And it goes on and brings in Black Lives Matter-

KYLE GETZ

Oh boy.

MIKE JOHNSON

-because it was founded by lesbians, and they “hate the Western nuclear family”, which you were talking about-

KYLE GETZ

Sssure.

MIKE JOHNSON

-you know, in your segment earlier. And that Antifa, because Antifa thinks that Christian heteronormativity is fascist and – it is – and there’s a big secret gay cabal, and that the-

KYLE GETZ  

That’s true, it’s- [chuckles] but it’s the first Saturday of every month is our big gay cabal.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I just- I just- Anything. Anything. Anything to shit on us.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Whether it makes any fucking sense at all or not. That’s what we’re up against, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, and I don’t know how to have a conversation with people that are like that, that believe. That, like- Your- I mean, this is not- I’m not proud of how this sounds, but whatever. If your sky daddy gave you a book and said “Hate these people,” and you just do it, and you don’t question where the book came from, or what the book is actually saying, or whether… I just- I hate it so much, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, it is really hard to have those conver- Which, in spite of all the making fun of, like, it’s really helpful that we have people like Joseph Peters-Matthews that can speak that language.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm, mhm, mhm.

KYLE GETZ

They- He is a priest, so he also- He has the authority, within Christianity, and he can speak their language. Like, that’s why working from within, I think, is really useful. Me, an atheist, is never gonna say something to someone like that and convince them otherwise. Like… Are you counting how many colors?

MIKE JOHNSON  

We have seven! Our Gayish logo has seven, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh no, I wish we had six instead!

MIKE JOHNSON

I know!

KYLE GETZ

We’re not devil enough.

MIKE JOHNSON

I guess not.

KYLE GETZ

I guess we’re not- Okay, to answer JR5’s – whatever’s – question: I don’t think we’re the devil.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. We’re not the devil.

KYLE GETZ

Fuck. Like, “Gayish” has six letters.

MIKE JOHNSON

It does. That’s true.

KYLE GETZ

Maybe we’re a little both! Little heaven, little hell.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re hell-ish.

KYLE GETZ  

Hellish! [both laugh] Should we make an announcement?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Let’s make an announcement.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Are you ready?

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you want to do it?

KYLE GETZ

Oh, yes!

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s your turn.

KYLE GETZ

Um, we-

MIKE JOHNSON

…I think. I don’t know. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Um, we did a contest-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

-roughly 10,011 years ago-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

-for a new merch, and someone made a news t-shirt and so we had a designer work on that and now, in the merch store, is going to be a new t-shirt. It’s such a cute design. Thank you to Katherine for doing this design. It’s a person that’s, like- has ball gag in their mouth and it says…

MIKE JOHNSON

“Shut your mouth hole” “it’s time for your ear holes”.

KYLE GETZ

So, if you would like a news t-shirt, that is now available in the merch store.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Was it Andy Baneline-

KYLE GETZ

Yes!

MIKE JOHNSON

-came up with that idea as part of that contest, and so we’re just finally getting around to, like, making that happen.

KYLE GETZ

You know. Eventually we do things we say we will. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

And, Andy, I assume that we have your mailing address. We’ll send you one of the shirts, just let us know what size.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Um, we’ll also have a new mug in the merch store, a “Hey Mike… Hey Kyle…” mug that’s also adorable and is the like Progress Flag, like rainbow flag?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Probably with six colors, now that I think about it. But all- It’s made up of the words “Hey Mike” “Hey Kyle”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. It’s adorable.

KYLE GETZ

Um, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Get new merch, everybody!

KYLE GETZ

Get new merch!

MIKE JOHNSON

Get new merch.

KYLE GETZ  

Should I- Is it my turn?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, it’s your turn.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Happy birthday to us!

MIKE JOHNSON

Happy birthday to us, Kyle!

KYLE GETZ  

I’m gonna tell you about a study.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

It is called the “Social perception and interpersonal behavior: On the self-fulfilling nature of social stereotypes”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ooh, that’s what our show is about.

KYLE GETZ

It’s a type of stereo.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a type of stereo.

KYLE GETZ

A stereo type. Uh, by Snarder, Tanke, and Berscherw…. [TN: Snyder, Tanke, and Berscheid]

MIKE JOHNSON

That’ sound- All of those names are made-up.

KYLE GETZ

I did good. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Um, in 1977-

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Might be the oldest one I’ve done… uh, which appeared in The Journal of Personal [TN: Personality] and Social Psychology. I really liked this one. This is kind of just a classic, just, a study about stereotypes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

What they did- And there’s so many things that it was like “This is- definitely was done in the 70s.” Um, they were examining social stereotypes and basically their self-fulfilling nature. So they started with we know that attractiveness is linked to greater likability.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

So that’s the stereotype they started with.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Why everyone loves me. [laughs] …Great. [inhales and exhales loudly]

KYLE GETZ  

…So, men were categorized as the “perceivers”-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-and they were given a picture of a woman, which was called the “target”. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, no. [laughs] That’s not- I think we might have used different nomenclature if we did this study again. Um, and they were given either an attractive picture or an unattractive picture.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

And-

MIKE JOHNSON

Also very problematic. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

I’m gonna take a- Yes, for sure. Also, I’m gonna guess they, like, intentional- Like, I- Anyone of us can be like “Do an unattractive face,” and, you know, like you like do weird and scrunched up, and-

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

I dunno.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

That’s what I’m gonna guess happened. I don’t actually know that. [chuckles] And they, then, had an unstructured 10 minute conversation.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

So they- Over the phone. So they didn’t actually see, they just saw the picture of this woman. When the woman was rated as “attractive” they had a more friendly, likeable conversation than those that were rated as “unattractive”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, wow. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

The unattractive- Like, women rated as “unattractive”, when the picture was rated as unattractive it was more like the assumption. You know, socially awkward. Like, that kind of thing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

Then they also had people watch those conversations, just looking at the men and they don’t know what the women look like, the observers could tell whether men rated them as attractive or not based on the contents of the conversation.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, wow. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So even an outside observer could tell-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-what they thought of this woman. So it- Like, when I think of stereotypes I not only think- I think of a self-fulfilling prophecy in that I will see that stereotype in you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You know, even if it’s 10%, even if it’s 1% of the world, or just a tiny part of who you are, I will see that in you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But what this showed is that, not only that, you create the stereotype yourself.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I think you’re attractive, so I’m going to have a better conversation with you, thus creating you being, in my mind, more likeable.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, I thought that was really interesting and something I never thought of, that we manifest stereotypes ourselves.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Not just see them and others.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

So I just love that that was just like- So rarely do I just pick like studies on stereotypes, and I just think they’re very interesting. Particularly, you know, speaking to the show, for our 6th birthday I thought it was a good one. And also, in the Journal of Personal and Social Psychology, this appeared on pages 656 and 666.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeaahh, 666!

KYLE GETZ

So that’s why I picked it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well- I mean, having a study from page 666, I think, is like… We’ve had less tortured segues, you know? Like- [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

I was very excited when I found- [Mike laughs] This was the only study related to 666. That I could find.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, do we have any other announcements?

KYLE GETZ  

Um, one last thing, just to mention. I mentioned on a previous episode, but just so y’all know, part of the Patreon funds that we get help fund doing transcripts for each of our episodes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That was something that actually, on the survey, more than I expected, people said that they would be either “likely” or “very likely” to use transcripts if they were available. So, um, that was a decent chunk. So we tested it out, and so now we’re- Going forward, all of our episodes should have a transcript. I’m, you know, ironing out the process itself. So you can go to our website right now and find transcripts of our most recent episodes. And, in the future, my goal will be to have that in the episode description once they become available. So it won’t right away, but once- You know, because it takes time to actually have a human- You know, we pay a person to actually do this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Which is what we use your funds for.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Is his name Chat GPT? [said like “Chat Jiput”]

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] They are a real human person, I believe.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay. Yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

That’d be funny, if they just turned around and then sent it- Like “Here you go, dumbasses paying me money to do this.” Um, but no. So thank you. I think that both- That both helps us in the, like, marketing and promotion of like having more content on our website. But, you know, I think the bigger thing is having that be- making our website, or making our show, a little bit more accessible for everyone. So we appreciate the Patreon funds that help us do cool things like that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And the tour. That’s the only- Like, we could not do a tour without Patreon funds to help on that. So, like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It turns out… Alaska Airlines wants money [both laugh] to send us places.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. So, this was not meant to be a Patreon plug, but if you can support us, especially now that you know you get a discount on our live show tickets-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeaaahh!

KYLE GETZ

-please do that. We’d appreciate it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, do it! Okay, I’m gonna-

KYLE GETZ

Okay!

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna talk to you about gematria, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, what’s gematria?

MIKE JOHNSON

Gematria, [saying it “GEM-ah-tree-uh”] or gematria… [“GIH-ma-tree-uh”] G- G- Gematria? [“GUH-meh-tree-uh”] Gematria. [“GUM-ah-tree-uh”] Gematria. [“GUM-eh-tree-uh”]

KYLE GETZ

Genuine?

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s GUH-maayyyy-tree-uh, gematria! Final answer, gematria.

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, but it is the practice of assigning a numerical value to a name, word, or phrase according to an alphanumerical cipher. So it’s kind of like numerology-

KYLE GETZ

I was gonna say num-

MIKE JOHNSON

-but it’s specifically a word. It’s different methods of taking a word or phrase and turning it into a number.

KYLE GETZ  

Is this some kind of, like, cipher code kind of thing that you could do?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. And more than that, right? Like, there are- Lots of different languages, over history, have had these kinds of things and have had more or less attachment to the meanings that you could pull out of them. Hebrew had it, Greek had it, Latin had it. This, just, idea that like an A gets you one point-

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

-an L gets you 50 points, whatever. Turns out that a lot of people think that the number 666 from the Bible and the mark of the Beast… that when they say “You will know the number of the Beast,” that that was whoever the antichrists name is. That one or more of these systems, through gematria [“GUH-mih-tree-uh”] – gematria, [“GUH-may-tree-uh”] gematria, [“GUH-mah-tree-uh”] gematria [“GUH-me-tree-uh”] – that the name of the Antichrist will translate to “666” in this system.

KYLE GETZ  

FFF?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh… maybe.

KYLE GETZ

F is the 6th letter, so. F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Fuck.

MIKE JOHNSON

Fuck, yeah. Um, okay, so- So my source here is gematrix.org.

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, G-E-M-A-T-R-I-X .org, and it will take any words, phrase, name, whatever and tell you in three different systems, Hebrew, English, or simple gematria what the value is.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, first, I went in and I said “Mike Johnson” and that is, in Hebrew is 932, in English is 798, and in simple is 133. I am- I am clean.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] I don’t see any-

MIKE JOHNSON

And if I do “Michael Johnson”, in Hebrew is 954, English is 876, simple is 146.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay, I see nothing to outlandishly evil about that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. “Kyle Getz” in Hebrew is 1047, in simple is 1111, and in English is 666. [Kyle gasps] You are the motherfucking Antichrist, Kyle!

KYLE GETZ

Are you serious?

MIKE JOHNSON

Serious? Serious as a heart attack.

KYLE GETZ  

Wow! I- I kind of felt like I was all- I always felt a little different than everyone else.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You are the motherfucking Antichrist, in the immortal words of Paul Giamatti in Sideways. No, I think it was Paul Giamatti but not in Sideways. It was, um, Private Parts, the Howard Stern movie. Anyway-

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

I was just- I was very excited to learn that, at least according to this – this very reputable site – that… yeah. Uh, Derek, let’s do Derek. …You’re- You’re clean. Hebrew is 298, English is 690, and simple is 115.

KYLE GETZ  

690, nice.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

That’s 69 with an extra hole.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Gayish”, by the way, Hebrew is 515, English is 414, simple is 69.

KYLE GETZ  

[gasps] Gayish is 69?!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Awh, guys, I love it!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Adding your middle name puts you in the clear.

KYLE GETZ

I should be one of those people that goes by all of my names then.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, like a serial killer.

KYLE GETZ

Like a serial killer! Well, that- Yeah. What- What do I want? That makes me seem even more like a devil. [both chuckle] You can go by my, um- Try my nickname… Mc…Blastoff. I don’t-

MIKE JOHNSON  

“McBlastoff”? [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, you know, everyone in our friend group calls me “McBlastoff”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [chuckles] Um, 308, 582, 97.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, McBlastoff.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, just call me McBO. [Mike laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s all. That’s all I had.

KYLE GETZ

[speaking demonically, gravelly] Kill your pets. [Mike laughing] Drink the blood of your enemies. [coughs] [speaking normally] Sorry, I don’t know what that was. Ah… did we do it?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Did we do it? We did it.

KYLE GETZ

I think so.

MIKE JOHNSON

We talked about 666 quite a bit.

KYLE GETZ

We did. We talked about devil stuff, we-

MIKE JOHNSON  

We had birthday drinks.

KYLE GETZ  

We had birthday drinks.

MIKE JOHNSON

We had birthday cheesecake.

KYLE GETZ

That’s true. Thank you-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Look for the pictures on Instagram.

KYLE GETZ

@gayishpodcast. Thank you for the birthday cheesecake, that was delicious.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah! Absolutely. There’s two more in the fridge, if you want.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo, yum.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, should we- Should we- Should we take a break?

KYLE GETZ

Birthday break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Birthday break!

KYLE GETZ

Fwaaa!

MIKE JOHNSON

Break, break, breakity break.

KYLE GETZ

That was blowing a… Fwaaa! [makes a shrill squeaky noise of air blowing tightly between something]

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Break.

KYLE GETZ

Break.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Are we back?

KYLE GETZ

We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re back! Happy birthday, Kyle!

KYLE GETZ  

Happy birthday! [both chuckle] Uh, we are gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re going to do our Gayest & Straightest, but first… local gay bar review!

KYLE GETZ

Ooo!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. This time I’m gonna to talk about The Mixx, with two Xs.

KYLE GETZ

Mixx. [emphasizing both Xs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Mixx, in San Francisco, California. I was there in the fall and it was- It’s- It’s interesting because when you first come into it you’re like “Oh, this is kind of like a small, like, cozy spot,” but then you keep going and then you keep going and there’s like this big outdoor like patio part in the rear of it, which was outdoors. So it was kind of cold, but they still did the, like, the heater things and um, uh- But really what The Mixx should be known for is my newfound love for Topo Chico. [Kyle chuckles] That’s where I first encountered the Topo Chico, of which you fed me many last night when we were-

KYLE GETZ

Yes, you’re welcome.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, exactly. Uh, but yeah, Topo Chico seltzer is- I’m a big fan, and The Mixx is where I first encountered them. I was hanging out there with my friend Trey who’s amazing. And uh, yeah. But didn’t get laid, but I’ll give it a 4 dildos.

KYLE GETZ  

4 dildos. That’s a solid rating. That’s pretty good.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep, yep, yep.

KYLE GETZ

Nice!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, now, our website is gayishpodcast.com.

KYLE GETZ  

You can find our communities on Discord, Facebook Groups, or Spaces our biggest ones. You can find those, usually we’re @gayishpodcast, or go to gayishpodcast.com/contacts to figure out all the places you can find us and hang out with listeners.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.

KYLE GETZ  

Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com

MIKE JOHNSON  

And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109. And I’m sorry I asked for gifts so many times that nobody sent us anything. [Kyle chuckles] I feel like it was my fault.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, I- On the Patreon segment this week, we opened gifts to each other, so-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

-thanks for giving me some nice shit.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, same.

KYLE GETZ

Uhh, Gayest & Straightest?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, let’s do our Gayest & Straightest.

KYLE GETZ

Uh-

MIKE JOHNSON

Go ahead.

KYLE GETZ  

I’ll go. Um, so my gayest is walking here. Boy, I walk so fast.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah you do. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

I was like “I should get there at like 10 after,” and I got here five- three after something. Something where I made up like five minutes in walking time.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Just ‘cause how quickly walk.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yeah. It’s also downhill.

KYLE GETZ

It’s also downhill, I just tumbled-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-most of the way, [Mike laughs] which was fun.

MIKE JOHNSON

We should get you some roller skates, maybe.

KYLE GETZ

I was thinking, like, there all those rental scooters that are now all strewn about the city. I could just like get on a roll- I would die though. I would be very nervous.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Um, my straightest is just the idea that I am going to see a Kraken game with my parents.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaahh!

KYLE GETZ

My parents are in town. Even the fact that- Like, I haven’t even gone yet and the fact that I am going is the straightest thing about me this week.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, yeah. It’s like- It’s like, it’s so straight it has gone back in time.

KYLE GETZ  

Yes, it bleeds into- [Mike laughs] And get ready for next week’s, when it will have been going to it. But yeah, it’s just so straight.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I had dinner with your parents last night. It was lovely to see them.

KYLE GETZ  

You did. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

How many- [chuckles] How many people have gotten to meet them? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Um, Seattle people, just a few people. Like, the last time- They came in town actually right after COVID, but I didn’t- Like, you know, we weren’t seeing a lot of people. Yeah, it’s only a handful people that have met my parents.

MIKE JOHNSON  

They’re fun. It’s great.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uhh, okay, so, the gayest thing about me this week: I was on Grindr…

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which, that’s not that gay.

KYLE GETZ

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

But uh, this- This, like, very very hot dude started talking to me and I was like- my, like, Spidey sense was tingling. And lately I’ve been, like, kind of mean or rude about it. Like, if I think you’re a robot then I will fuck with you.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh- But I did that less than normal. But it was very clear to me that this was a robot person. But uh, he said some random, I don’t know, shit that was like… I don’t know. There’s some phrases that you just, like, you’re sure that that’s a robot then. Like-

KYLE GETZ  

One thing, they always start talking about like “I’m in love with you” like very quick.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Or uh, they’ll say “Am Kyle here, and you?” [Kyle chuckles] Like, that’s- That’s not how words work. But anyway, I said “You sound kind of like a bot,” to which his reply- its reply was “I hope you and your family die in a car accident. Don’t bother me,” and then blocked me. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Jesus Christ! That’s a little much, sir!

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? Yeah, that escalated quickly.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. [Mike laughs] “You sound like a bot,” “DIE!” Jesus.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And then the straightest thing about me this week was a notification that I got from Spotify that they had a new list in my “For me” category, and the first four songs on it were Ed Sheeran. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Why is Ed- He has universal- Why is he so straight though?

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t-

KYLE GETZ

I- But he is. [Mike laughs] That’s hilarious.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, so, the magic that is Discord. Our Discord server is amazing, it’s a big beautiful community. We’ve got like over 1500 people in there, and I said today “@everyone we are about to record our SIXTH BIRTHDAY SHOW … I’d love to have [some] good listener’s gayest and straightest[eseses] to read.” So here are some, in no particular order. I don’t have time to read all of these to figure out which ones are the good ones, so I’m just gonna, like… you know? You know. Whatever. This one’s from Fushna: “Gayest: buying a couple of rainbow jocks” [Kyle chuckles] “Straightest: laying out two guys while playing hockey”.

KYLE GETZ  

Ohh nice! That sounds- That sounds kind of sexy.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, exactly. You can lay me out. [Kyle chuckles] Um, uh… Oh yeah, would bang. Okay, uh, this one’s from runningotter_np: “Straightest: going to a small town farm party that involves shot-gunning beer,”-

KYLE GETZ

Shot-gunning beer, oh my god.

MIKE JOHNSON

-“Gayest: being the only one at the party with shoes that got compliments from the farm boys.”

KYLE GETZ

Aw!

MIKE JOHNSON

“When asked where I got them and I replied Nordstrom, it got a totally blank look.”

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Shoe game on point. Suit’s gay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, shoe game on point. Uh, KR900: “Straightest: working timing and scoring at a 24 Hours of Lemons auto race,” [Kyle laughs] “Gayest: packing my cutest underwear for the race weekend, just in case.” [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Aw. Yeah. I love the “just in case”. Like, you know, you’d like pack certain clothes “just in case” or douche “just in case”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Love that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, Nyxxia says: “Gayest: getting my nipples pierced while my poly partners held my hands”-

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] That’s- Hard to get gayer than that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

-“Straightest: Buying more Magic cards I don’t need”.

KYLE GETZ  

[gasps] I have Magic cards too.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Doge229 says: “Straightest: Getting ‘sports bro’ levels of overexcited while hyping up a friend getting an Ace([which is] a full team wipe) in Valorant”-

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know what that means.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a video game. “Gayest: Getting really excited and happy to see that Valorant has a trans-inclusive gay pride flag themed player banner.”

KYLE GETZ

Oh, nice!

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, Black Rambo- Hi, Brandon, thanks for running our Discord server.

KYLE GETZ

Hi, thank you, you’re the best.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Gayest: Enjoying the nice weather outside in my hammock with my hoochie daddy shorts on while listening to Chlöe Bailey’s new album,” [Kyle laughs] “Straightest: Finally getting my car inspected after riding dirty for two months.”

KYLE GETZ

[both chuckle] “Riding dirty”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, maybe I can do all of these, I don’t know. Josh says- Uh, hey, girl, hey. We play WoW together, it’s great straight.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, hi.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Straightest: Stepping in to cook burgers at work when we are short-staffed. Gayest: The squee and utter joy I expressed, outloud, in a backstage area after finding out a friend was scheduled to train in a new role.(I did not care who heard)”.

KYLE GETZ  

There is a gay- There’re gay sound effects, for sure, that we make. [Mike laughs] I love that one.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Mystic Bear says: “Straightest: going to watch my nephews first rugby game of the season. Go sports ball! Gayest: checking out all the coaches asses.” [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Not the players, the coaches asses. There’s some- There’s some daddy things goin’ on, I’m pretty sure.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oscar Judgmental Crow says: “Straightest: thinking about where I could be playing with a street hockey and dodge ball teams. Gayest: making up a scenario in my head where I would coincidentally end up hooking up with a teammate and ruining everything.”

KYLE GETZ  

Mmm. [laughs] “Dreaming of ruining everything” is great.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, River / Scott says: “Gayest: Taking full nude ‘progress pics’ in the gym changing room mirrors”-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, that’s gonna be- Grindr pictures, and is very gay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Straightest: Saying ‘Sorry mate!’ in my blokey-est voice to two different guys as they tried to get past me to get changed while I was taking the pics.”

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god! [Mike laughs] You can’t take those pictures while other people are- [chuckles] I mean, you can do whatever you want.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Halpando says: “Gayest: getting into a conversation with another gay about vivian westwood at my craft store job”, [Kyle chuckles] “Straightest: letting out a giant belch after chugging a giant glass of fizzy beverage”.

KYLE GETZ

Nice!

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, Geo_Otter says: “Straightest: buying socks at Costco and putting fuel injector in my car’s gas tank after filling up in the Costco parking lot. Gayest: walking to get an iced coffee with my pedicured feet in open-toed shoes and wearing a colorful fannypack around my waist 🤓”.

KYLE GETZ

Cuuute.

MIKE JOHNSON

I- Okay, are we outta- We’re outta time.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ  

Those are great. There’s a “gayest-and-straightest” channel if you want to share your Gayest & Straightest. Sometimes we pick some to share on the show, so go to Discord and share yours there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Did we- Did we do it?

KYLE GETZ

Is that it?

MIKE JOHNSON

This is the end of my notes, I guess it’s the end of the show.

KYLE GETZ  

I guess we have to stop now. Bye!

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Um, happy birth- We know how to do this, Mike. Happy birthday, it’s been six years.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hey, Kyle…

KYLE GETZ

Hey, Mike…

MIKE JOHNSON

Thank you.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thank you for doing this, for this long.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you to you too.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I appreciate it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you wanna go six more years?

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, God, that sounds like so much.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, you know, we’ll see.

KYLE GETZ

God, I’m gonna be 43 if we go another six years.

MIKE JOHNSON

Don’t- Don’t.

KYLE GETZ

Um, I would also- [chuckles] I would also like to thank our Super Gap Bridgers: Andr-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m gonna be 50! Fuck you, Kyle! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Damn. Just daddyin’ it up.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Why not? Even better. Um, thank you to our Super Gap Bridgers: Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeaaah! Thank you, everybody. This has been Gayish. From the Chris Khachatourians studios, I’m Mike Johnson.

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you!

MIKE JOHNSON

Happy birthday!

KYLE GETZ

Happy birthdayyyy… fuckers!

MIKE JOHNSON

Bye.

KYLE GETZ

Bye.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Hello, airplane.

KYLE GETZ  

Fly me to Hell.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] That’s the airplane to Hell. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

That’s the airplane to Hell. Hop on, everybody.

MIKE JOHNSON  

First class, y’all!

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] I’m gonna fuckin’ be the flight attendant on this airplane to Hell, handing out… ham sandwiches.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeaaah! Free booze for everybody!

KYLE GETZ  

Mm… Mm! It’s gonna be a fuckin’ orgy with ham sandwiches and wine. [Mike laughs] My god… ham sandwich orgy!

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckling] Ham sandwich orgy plane. That’s gotta be like- Anyway-

KYLE GETZ  

My dreams manifest.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]

Gayish: 326 Assholes: Live from Treefort in Boise

Assholes. Where do they come from? Why do we love them? How do we take care of them? And who are they, really? We get the hole truth live from Boise for Podfort, part of the Treefort Music Festival.

In this episode: News- 10:46 || Main Topic (Assholes)- 19:41 || Gayest & Straightest- 56:07

On the weekly bonus Patreon segment, Mike and Kyle discuss a few more Am I The (Gay) Asshole questions from Reddit. Get bonus audio, video, and other great benefits by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the Podfort universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ  

The podcast that is overflowing with vim and vigor. Vim and Vigor, the two Russian gentleman I met in the bathroom right before this. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike laughs] I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And…

KYLE GETZ

My dad sometimes [Kyle chuckles] listens to this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, you know.

KYLE GETZ  

Hi, Dad.

MIKE JOHNSON

He knows what’s up.

KYLE GETZ

Um, turn this off. [Mike laughs] Um, uh, we are the podcast “Gayish”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

We talk about gay stereotypes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We do. Hello Boise. Hi Treefort. Good to see everybody. [audience applauds] Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

You’re all the nerds that came to see a podcast instead of the bands on the stage. We appreciate you. [both chuckle] Thank you for that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You have so much, much cooler, shit to be doing and yet here you are.

KYLE GETZ  

And here you are.

MIKE JOHNSON

But thank you.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, just a quick reminder. I think it’s up there or in the notes, but this is a very not safe for work show. This is a sexuality podcast, and we’re gonna- we’re gonna tell you all kinds of things, so if that’s not something you want to hear then I guess you’ve been warned.

KYLE GETZ  

Should you have said that before I made my overflowing semen comment?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes, absolutely. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Okay. We’ll work on that for our next live show.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um… yeah. Okay, so how many of you – just show of hands – how many of you’ve heard Gayish before? …Excellent, that’s about half.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, fuck! Some of you! Wow! [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s fantastic.

KYLE GETZ

That’s so exciting!

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, and so presuming – uh, show of hands – the rest of you are Gayish virgins, then that’s good. Excellent. Welcome. We like virgins. Um. Uh, show of hands if you identify as a member of the LGBT community. …Excellent. Also-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god, so many homosexuals! [both chuckle] Homosexuals who’ve seen- who have heard our podcast. That’s pretty impressive.

MIKE JOHNSON  

For those of you who are new, our show is about gay stereotypes. Every week, we try to break down some sort of stereotype, either about straight people or gay people, and why they don’t necessarily fit very well all the time. Um, and uh yeah, we’ve been doing this – it’s a long format show, usually an hour, hour and a half, weekly – and we’ve been doing it weekly for… it’ll be six years, next week. So we’ve been around the block. We have a lot of back catalogue people, who start and they will write in. They’ll be like “You just talked about, like, Trump getting elected,” and I’m like “Oh, fuck.” [Mike chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Or, this is what I do when I listen to my podcast, they start to get close to the pandemic and they’re like “This weird thing is happening!” and you’re like “Oh, honeys…” like “Give it like a month and then you’ll know what’s going on.” Oh, it’s- It’s- I hate getting to that point. I’m like “Go back to playing D&D, because it’s about to get real.” [Mike laughs] So you can experience that… [Kyle chuckles] again. That was supposed to be promoting us and our show. You can experience that. It’s fun.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, also, in the spirit of stereotypes, every single episode, we do our Gayest & Straightest at the end of the episode. That’s the stereotypically gayest thing about us in the last week, and the stereotypically straight- Gayest, straightest: one of each. Just to show that everybody has a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B all the time. So we will be asking y’all to share your Gayest & Straightest at the end of the show also, if you would like, and the first couple of victims get to go home with a Gayish coffee mug… Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

So start thinking about the gayest thing and the straightest thing you’ve done this week.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes.

KYLE GETZ

Or recently.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, recent memory. Um, it- For an inexplicable reasons, we never reveal the topic of our live show until further into the show. So you just have to wait longer, for no good reason whatsoever.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m very excited about this week’s topic.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I am too because we always ask the audience to yell it at us, [Kyle chuckles] and so we always pick really fun words to yell.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

This is no exception. Um… and uh, yeah. So- So we usually do the news for Gayish, and this episode will have a news section in it but we cut it for time and we’ll do it at a different time. But, before we go into the topic, I do want to point out that this week is Trans Day of visibility – that’s March the 31st – and it’s, now more than ever, important that we do our part to support our trans brothers and sisters because, uh, shit is not great right now, y’all.

KYLE GETZ  

I love the podcast Gender Reveal, talks about gender and these kinds of things, and they have a Trans Day of Staying in and Having a [TN: Nice] Snack. [Mike chuckles] So if you’re trans you can participate in whatever way you want.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, but for Trans Day of Visibility I wanted to really quickly read a opinion piece written by Jennifer Koslow last week, in USA Today, “I am the parent of a transgender child. What about my parental rights?” Florida, and Idaho, and lots of places in the country right now are really starting to take a stab at the ability for parents to give their trans kids the kind of care that they need. So I just wanted to read really quickly her letter. Um, “Florida Statute 1014 reads: ‘The Legislature finds that it is a fundamental right of parents to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their minor children.’ If HB 1421 and SB 254 pass into law, the state needs to update its language to say: ‘The Legislature finds that it is a fundamental right of some parents to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their minor children.‘ Sound familiar? Do you remember reading George Orwell’s satirical novella ‘Animal Farm’? I do. I vividly recollect that the pigs on Manor Farm transformed the original tenet ‘All Animals are Equal’ into ‘But Some Animals are More Equal than Others.’ What I never imagined, however, is that my family might be the subject of a similar dystopian nightmare. I am the parent of a transgender child. I should have the fundamental right to determine what is in the best interests of my child’s health and education. These legislations that would ban gender-affirming medical care for minors and put conditions on medical care for adults – and bills that would expand legislation related to educational institutions and instruction requirements – will all have the same impact. They undermine my parental authority. My family and no family I know has ever made a medical decision regarding their [trans] child without consulting a team of physicians. Having gender dysphoria is not being ‘confused.’ It is a condition where a person’s feelings about their body are out of alignment with the physical traits of their body. For some (but not all), gender dysphoria creates extreme distress. Decades of data on puberty blockers tell us that this is a safe medication to temporarily pause puberty. As transgender children become adolescents, gradually taking gender-affirming hormones is only done as an informed decision for them and their parents. HB 1421 and SB 254 undermine a parent’s fundamental right to make medical decisions for their child in consultation with their physicians. Other legislations fill me with equal dread. HB 1403/SB 1580 would establish a health care provider’s right to a ‘conscience-based objection’ to providing services to a patient. Imagine sitting in a hospital gown and a nurse or doctor comes in, looks at you and decides they aren’t treating you because you are transgender. Terrifying and humiliating at the same time. HB 1223/HB 1069/SB 1320 would result in a different nightmare scenario. Imagine sitting in a classroom and everyone knows you as Sally. And then this bill passes, and the teacher calls you James. Everyone laughs. Then the kids in the class begin to taunt you. What does the teacher do? Nothing. Why? Because, in Florida, it will be OK for a teacher and peers to intentionally misgender someone, which by its very nature is belittling. The Florida Constitution makes it a duty of the state to provide all children with ‘a uniform, efficient, safe, secure, and high quality system of free public schools.’ These bills would undermine every transgender child’s constitutional right to feel safe and secure at school. There have always been and always will be transgender people, including children. Aren’t decisions about their individualized care best made by their parents? Why is the state looking to make some parents second-class citizens when it comes to parental rights? I urge you to contact your state legislators and ask them to vote no on these bills.” If you have trans person in your life, reach out to them, especially on March 31st.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s very well written and very- Yeah, the people that are saying that it’s their right, like their parental right, are like… only if it’s their way.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Not- Yeah, it’s not actually about that. So.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Exactly right. Exactly right.

[record scratch sound plays]

MIKE JOHNSON

Hi, everybody, it’s Mike. You already knew that… or maybe not. A lot of people write in and they seem very confused about which of us is Mike and which of us is Kyle, which I- I don’t- I don’t- I don’t get it. I support you, I still love you, but- but like, I am Mike. This is Mike interrupting everything. Okay, we’re interrupting the live show, which is weird, for a couple of reasons. As you know, we were in Treefort, and because they only gave us an hour long slot we decided to cut the news to make sure that we could fit all the rest of the content in that we wanted to. And then, a little bit later, we got a 100 words submission from someone, that I’m going to read here in just a second, but it is time sensitive so we wanted to make sure that it got into this episode because it’s about elections next week. So what you’re gonna hear is first me doing the 100 words, and then you’re gonna hear the news that Kyle and I recorded separately while we were down in Boise, and then we’ll return you back to the live show at Treefort. This is from John Wong: “Hi, Kyle and Mike. Another 100 words for me this week, again to get out this vote. Hey, Gayish listeners, especially for those in Wisconsin. There’s a critical state Supreme Court race happening this coming Tuesday, April 4. The balance of the Wisconsin Supreme Court hangs on this election, which can decide the fate of LGBTQ rights, abortion access, and even voting rights and fair elections. So if you live in Wisconsin, please vote for Janet Protasiewicz, and if you don’t live in Wisconsin but live nearby in Illinois, Iowa, or Minnesota, consider making a quick canvassing trip, phone banking, or donating to the Wisconsin Democratic Party. Let’s make sure Wisconsin moves forward like Michigan and not backwards like Florida. Thanks again for the podcast as usual, and hope we continue to get out the vote. Best, John.”

MIKE JOHNSON [giving the news, recorded in Boise]

And now the news.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh God, Kyle. Okay, news the first.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uganda- [Mike sighs] Don’t go there.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So yeah, just last Tuesday Uganda’s parliament passed the anti-homosexuality bill. They said the quiet part out loud.

KYLE GETZ  

They just- Yeah, they just called it that. It wasn’t the “Family Act” or the, like, “Safe Children Act.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Nope. A strict piece of legislation that expands the east African nation’s already horrific laws on homosexuality. Both sides of the government supported the bill. Only two people voted against it, out of the whole Parliament, which I forget how many people it is but it’s like 300 and something voted for it.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uganda is just a fucked place, Kyle. Anyway, the new bill says that simply identifying as LGBTQ is illegal.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

So it’s like, you- No. You just can’t. You can’t be that.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

And for those found guilty of what they’re calling “aggravated homosexuality” – that means butt sex-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, God.

MIKE JOHNSON

-the death penalty.

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, it can be aggravating. [Mike laughs] The death penalty?

MIKE JOHNSON  

The death penalty.

KYLE GETZ

Shit.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. And allies of the LGBTQ+ community could also face jail time for knowing about someone being involved in same sex behavior and not reporting it.

KYLE GETZ  

Wow. If you know about butt sex, you have to say about but sex.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yes. If you see butt sex, say butt sex.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Shit. That sucks.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Uh, of course everybody’s freaked out, but the thing about Uganda that is really interesting to me is there have been white Christian folks, from the United States especially, but other English speaking countries, who have been going to Uganda to stoke the fires of LGBTQ hate.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

And they’ve been pushing for this kind of legislation, in this like- They’re like, I don’t know, like trying to save them from the horrors of where we are at or something. It’s really- It’s really fucked up. There have been many, many missions on the part of Evangelical Christians to Uganda, in order to get them to act like this. And there’s also- We’ve talked about it on the show before, there’s this this disturbing thing of like “Homosexuality isn’t African,” is one of the messages, and it absolutely is. It absolutely is. The only reason it’s not now is because of colonialization and the white Christian influence on African culture. There were all kinds of different genders, all kinds of different sexualities in many parts of Africa historically, and this this rhetoric that the LGBTQ people are anti-African is just not historically accurate. But since when does the right give a fuck about accuracy?

KYLE GETZ  

And history.

KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So I’m gonna to cancel that stop on our tour.

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. [Mike chuckles] We may not- We may be going somewhere else instead.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, news the second.

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

Kentucky-

KYLE GETZ

Ew-ew.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [Mike chuckles] That’s exactly what- Exactly- What?

KYLE GETZ  

I wanted something happy next. Did they start serving a new flavor of ice cream? Fried chicken ice cream?

MIKE JOHNSON  

The 16th of March Kentucky passed Senate Bill 150, which was called by the ACLU, quote, “The worst anti-trans bill in the nation.”

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

It is one of the bills that has been percolating through state legislatures that would force people under 18 to detransition.

KYLE GETZ

Oh God.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, it bans trans-affirming care for minors but also would force the detransitioning – medical detransitioning – of anyone under the age of 18, even if their parent is on board.

KYLE GETZ  

And against medical advice. Like, against what doctors and medical associations have recommended.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Well, the governor Andy Beshear has vetoed it.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. So, he’s a Democrat and on Friday he vetoed the bill. He said, quote, “tears away the freedom of parents to make important and difficult medical decisions for their kids. It tears away the freedom of parents to do what those parents believe is best for their kids, and instead has big government making those decisions for everyone, even if the parents disagree, and-” uh-

KYLE GETZ  

That’s- It’s not the human argument, that should be at the root of it, that like, you know, humans deserve the right- are trans and deserve gender-affirming care. But I like- That arguing almost seems like it would work better with the right, to be like “Get the government out of that and let parents make their own decision,” which is what they say they care about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It seems like a smart political move.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Absolutely. Well, the Republican-dominated legislature is expected to override his veto-

KYLE GETZ

Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON

-here at the end of March, next week, so we’ll see. But at least a glimmer of hope that at least one person is trying to do the right thing.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Fuck.

MIKE JOHNSON

And news the last- I… I will call this a happy story.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [Kyle chuckles] I’m skeptical, the way you framed that.

MIKE JOHNSON

But- Well, Darcelle XV, who was an iconic Portland local drag queen, has passed away at the age of 92.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, I mean, she had a really good run.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, like, we can strike a celebratory tone for her. She’s a legend. She died at 92. I believe I got to meet her once.

KYLE GETZ

Really?

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, yeah. Um, but she died Thursday of natural causes. Off-stage he was Walter W. Cole Sr., and Darcelle’s nightclub, the Darcelle XV Showplace, was a Portland nightclub that ran for more than 50 years. And the family is expected to continue to operate the club even after her passing. So she is in the Guinness World Records, in the 2016 version, as the world’s oldest drag performer.

KYLE GETZ  

Damn. That seems mean. [both laugh] Like, for drag- Like, it’s an insulting Guinness record.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Well, you know.

KYLE GETZ  

“World’s oldest”. Not just hyperbole.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [Mike chuckles] I would go for a “world’s oldest podcaster”, but Big Fattie has a pretty good lead on us.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. [Kyle chuckles] Yeah, not yet.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Before creating Darcelle, Cole was a manager the Fred Meyer retail chain, ran a café called Caffé Espresso and a variety of bars in Portland. He bought what was called the Demas tavern, in 1967, in what was then a rough neighborhood of Portland, and started performing drag there. The first time was when he was 37, and he created the Darcelle persona with help from his life partner, fellow entertainer Roxy LeRoy Neuhardt. The name was based on a French actress named Denise Darcel, with whom Neuhardt had appeared in Las Vegas. The performances helped the business take off. The bar was renamed Darcelle XV Showplace, in 1974. Cole and Neuhardt had a long, gay relationship, even though Cole remained married to his wife Jeanette. Cole and his wife had two children; One, Walter Jr., has worked at the drag club for three decades and says that he’s going to keep it running.

KYLE GETZ  

Family business is not what I would expect from a drag… sh-

MIKE JOHNSON

[Mike laughs] Right.

KYLE GETZ

Like a- Yeah, a place that does drag like that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Yep. Their house is on the National Register of Historic Places.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

So is the Darcelle XV Showplace.

KYLE GETZ

Damn.

MIKE JOHNSON

And Cole said becoming Darcelle enhanced, and perhaps even saved, his life. Quote, “If I hadn’t admitted who I was, I’d probably be dead by now.” “I’d be sitting on a couch retiring from Fred Meyer management. [That’s] not for me.” [Kyle chuckles] And anyway, raised a whole bunch of money for charities, is just an institution in the Portland drag scene and queer life in general, and she’ll be very much missed.

KYLE GETZ  

Aw. Yeah, you never, like, hear about old drag queens.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

Like, we just think of the ones that are on RuPaul’s Drag Race and they’re, you know, 20s and 30s. You don’t think about-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

Like, your career like that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. And some of it, I think, is like… it’s a hustle.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, I think it’s exhausting, probably. Like, I know a lot of drag queens that sort of- Like, they get into their 40s and they’re like “Fuck this noise. I’m out.”

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] “I’m out. I’m tired.”

MIKE JOHNSON

But it sounds like he was able to leverage it into a pretty stable and steady gig. Like, he’s not- He’s not hauling wigs across town in his trunk.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, so- You know.

KYLE GETZ

Like we saw at Dragfort yesterday. I just saw a bunch of like, you know, head mannequins with no hair because they were wearing it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, just their bags and all their shit.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, exactly. Well, that’s the news!

KYLE GETZ  

That’s the news. Um, are we now turning it back to live us for the rest of the show?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Hey, live us, don’t fuck it up!

KYLE GETZ  

Hope you did good!

MIKE JOHNSON

Hope you did-

KYLE GETZ

Get ready for the laughs, everybody… [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON [back at Treefort] 

Uh, are you ready to get into the topic?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah, let’s get into the topic.

MIKE JOHNSON

Are you sure? Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So we’re gonna count to three and then Kyle is gonna show you with a sign and it has today’s topic written on it, so I want you to, like, Family Feud-style yell it out as soon as you see the word. Are you ready? 1, 2, 3. Here we go.

AUDIENCE

Assholes!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, you nailed it! We’re gonna talk about assholes, everybody. [Mike chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Today we’re talking about assholes. Um, it’s kind of fitting, after what you just read. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. The Idaho State Legislature right there, everybody. And many, many other states across the country.

KYLE GETZ

Um, yeah, so-

MIKE JOHNSON

And we’re gonna talk about both kinds of assholes too!

KYLE GETZ

We’ll see- We’ll see what we talk about!

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s a cornucopia, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Cornucopia of assholes. [both chuckle] Um-

MIKE JOHNSON

A cornhole-ucopia?

KYLE GETZ

Corn- Yeah. You had to.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a stretch.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

Are we talking about vim and vigor again?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Exactly.

KYLE GETZ

Do you want to define “asshole”?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uhh, you mean the person kind.

KYLE GETZ  

Do I? Yeah, I do. Actually, yes, I do actually need to narrow it down at some point. Yeah, I’m gonna define “asshole” at first.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Um, well, what do- What makes an asshole, to you?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh… God. Chewing gum while they talk? No, there was that sketch on Saturday Night Live of “The two a-holes do this. Two a-holes do that,” and it was Kristen Wiig and that other dude… um, uh… Jason Sudeikis, and they are like obtuse, generally rude, really pretty ignorant, and take up a lot of just emotional space in a room. Um…

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god. You kinda did it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Did I?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Okay, so there’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

Hey, I know me some assholes, Kyle. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

There’s a guy who literally wrote the book on assholes. Aaron James, who’s the associate professor of philosophy at the University of California in Irvine – which, who knows us better than people in Irvine [Mike laughs] – wrote a book called-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Have you ever been to Irvine?

KYLE GETZ

No, I’ve worked with people from Irvine.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. You’re not wrong. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

He was… uh… So this book [Mike laughs] is called “Assholes: A Theory” and the- I almost- I came very close to reading the book… and then I didn’t. I learned there was a documentary about it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh! Okay.

KYLE GETZ

And I came very close to watching the documentary.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, but you didn’t? Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I read a review of the book.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

And that’s what I’m gonna tell you about. So their definition, in the New York Magazine- Which, the New York Magazine is like… you didn’t get into The New Yorker, right? Isn’t that what it is?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Ohh, I think I thought they were the same thing until right this second. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

I wrote “The New Yorker” and then looked back, and yeah. Um, uh- Some things I mentioned, which, I think you basically said these: a sense of ironclad entitlement, they feel superior, they are immune to your complaints even though he insists you listened to his, and – I like this – reflective but only to the extent that it allows him to morally justify his behavior.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh my god, that sounds like a former president.

KYLE GETZ  

That sounds like your former boyfriend. [both chuckle] Your former husband. Um, also he acts like this systematically. So it is all of these things with regularity. The best part about that article, in addition to helping me not have to read or watch a long nonfiction movie, is that they use the word “a-dar”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, God. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Which, I really liked that, for finding an asshole.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You’re an a-dar.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. [Mike chuckles] I love it.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. So that’s the def-

MIKE JOHNSON  

How’s your a-dar? You think you’re pretty good at it?

KYLE GETZ  

Y- [Kyle sighs] Yes, for the wrong reasons.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Which, I don’t know if-

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause they turn you on.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Are we gonna talk-

MIKE JOHNSON

You’re into as-

KYLE GETZ

Are we gonna talk about that now?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, I mean, we can talk about it whenever, but, like, you’re kind of into assholes.

KYLE GETZ  

I… am. And- [Mike laughs] That is true, and I blame them.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s their fault for being hot? Is it-

KYLE GETZ  

Well, they’re just so fucking hot. And it’s really annoy- I don’t want to be this way, and I think I- [Kyle chuckles] I was born this way, Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

I can’t control it. I’m into assholes, I’m into frat dudes, I’m into like bossy banker types, I’m into someone that would like get in front of you in a line and didn’t realize you’re there and I’m too soft spoken and I’m just like “Okay, I guess I’m in this spot in line now,” like “Okay, we’ve changed now.” I don’t know. I can’t help it. I don’t think I’d date them, but I really want them to nail me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike chuckles] I mean, please don’t date them, because that means they have to be in my life too.

KYLE GETZ

That’s true. [both laugh] By indirect association of assholes? Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, is- Anybody here identify as an asshole?

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god.

MIKE JOHNSON

There’s some people that like… like, like that about themselves. Like, they- That’s part of their persona.

KYLE GETZ

No?

MIKE JOHNSON

No?

KYLE GETZ

No? Okay. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, that’s good. You can stay then.

KYLE GETZ  

But like, is the thing about assholes you don’t- Do you know you’re an asshole?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I think some of them do. Some of the must.

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t- I think some of them think that that’s just how people are.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm… Mm. Mm.

KYLE GETZ

Um, Urban Dictionary has a couple definitions also, that I’m going to read to you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Let’s do it.

KYLE GETZ

Their definition of “ass-”

MIKE JOHNSON

They’re a treasure trove of comedy. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

A treasure trove… Uh, their definition of “asshole” is “Some[one] from L.A., New York … , Detroit, France, [or] Fort Wayne, Indiana”. [audience and Mike laugh] I don’t know- Do you know- Is there anything- Did this one person have a grudge against… fuckin’ “I’ll get you!” on Urban Dictionary?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I don’t know. That’s hilarious though.

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t know. Or anyone “who go[es] to Harvard … and a few bastards from Canada.” [audience and Mike chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON  

That one I think I disagree with. I’ve never met a Canadian that I didn’t love.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, I think their assholery goes like… it’s so nice it’s condescending.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s like covert…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah yeah. The covert asshole?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Um, another related word, “Assholy”: “Using your religious beliefs to justify your jackassery.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

That’s what’s going on right now in every state legislature.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

There’s an “asshoe”, “a hoe who likes doggy style”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike and audience laugh] Asshoe!

KYLE GETZ  

Do you like doggy style?

MIKE JOHNSON  

It- I mean, as long as there are no dogs involved, I suppose, yeah. Like- No, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Why not?

KYLE GETZ  

If someone has said “Let’s do doggy style” and hold up their canine… [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

I know- I know- I know you- I know you and I disagree a lot about sex stuff and-

KYLE GETZ

Okay… [Kyle and audience chuckle] I say, nervously.

MIKE JOHNSON

I had to- I had to think about it. I answered quickly because I’m nervous, because we’re in front of people.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, okay. No, I don’t like doggy style, and the reason is because, for me, connection is such a part of sex. I need to have access to, like, their eyes and face.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. I don’t need connection but I like having access to their eyes and face. That’s weird. We accidentally agree on that. I don’t like doggy style.

MIKE JOHNSON

You don’t?

KYLE GETZ

I think my prostate goes the other way.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ohhh. [Mike chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

And like, it doesn’t-

MIKE JOHNSON  

You need dead doggy style. Like- [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

That’s the worst way to describe missionary. Okay-

MIKE JOHNSON

Missionary is dead doggy style! [audience and Mike chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

I… I miss my dog. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] There’s “asshold”: “the act of your girlfriend-” or, I added “or your boyfriend, or your partner…”

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

“the act of your girlfriend withholding anal from you”. “Asshold.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Ohhh.

KYLE GETZ

And there is “askhole”: “A person who constantly asks for your advice, [but] ALWAYS does the … opposite”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike laughs] Like- That’s what I do to you. I ask you for advice all the time.

KYLE GETZ

Well- [Kyle sighs] I’m always right.

MIKE JOHNSON

No, you’re not.

KYLE GETZ  

I disagree. We can take this fight off-pod. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great. Great. Well, I’m gonna- I am gonna talk to you about the history of assholes. That’s a fairly common thing that I do on the show, is talk about the history of something and-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, explain how you’re going to do that with assholes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. I’m gonna talk about the history of your asshole, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle and audience laugh] It was born on a rainy day in April.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And mine and the history of everyone’s assholes, because it’s interesting to me that your holes – your mouth and your asshole – started in the same place when you were an embryo. Um, uh, for animals that are at least as complex as earthworms, the embryo forms a dent on one side very, very early on, and that little nugget – that little dent – sort of doughnuts and becomes your mouth and your anus. They come from the same place.

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

And it’s called the blastopore, which I- [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

That’s what I’m calling spit roasting from now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I wanna get to get blastopored please. I knew you would like that.

KYLE GETZ

I love that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, yeah, it’s called the blastopore and then it- There- It has a bunch of stages of development but, basically, your- the hole that is formed is your anus and then it gets deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and then like kind of [Mike tries to make popping sounds] pops out the side – [Mike makes popping sound] that’s what I wanted to do – and forms your mouth.

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle chuckles] Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Just- ‘Cause there are jokes about, like- Have you ever seen the old cartoon of the guy that is like eating a string of sausages and like poop is just coming out? Like, you’re basically-

KYLE GETZ

No, [Kyle chuckles] I haven’t seen that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, you’re basically- Your body is basically just one big machine that turns groceries into sewage, right?

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Sure, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And it comes from the same- the same- the same place.

KYLE GETZ  

Huh. I had no idea.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, have you ever heard the phrase “Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and they all stink.”?

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

I have two. It turns out that that’s wrong, not everyone has assholes. Some people are born without an anus, it’s called “imperforate anus” and it is- They usually- They can catch it now, like, before the child is born and, uh, but depending on the severity they can, like, give you one.

KYLE GETZ

A manmade asshole?

MIKE JOHNSON

A manmade asshole.

KYLE GETZ

Alright!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Also, “asshole”, just as another word for “anus”, has, I think, the- I don’t- The scientific definition is just… I’m not- I’m not here for it. “Digestive tract waste expulsion opening.”

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle laughs] Fuck me my waste expulsion zone. [Mike laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, it’s just so clinical sounding, and also kind of wrong. It’s for more than that. We should know.

KYLE GETZ  

There’s- Yeah. There’s a pleasure button inside of it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s not for the pooping.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And then- Okay, so the etymology of the word “arse” comes from Proto-Germanic, which itself comes from Proto-Indo-European. Like, all of these like bodily function words that we’ve talked about on the show before are super, super ancient. Turns out humans are interested in the way our bodies are and how they work. And, uh- So all of those- All of those terms go way, way back. But the first use of the word “asshole”, that we can prove, is from 1500 and it was used for the body part, not for the person. Just-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, okay. Was it like Shakespeare or somethin’?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

He just- He just started every word, so.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I also think that that’s before Shakespeare, 1500.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, um… And then it moved next to refer to the worst place in a region. Like, a quote, “The asshole of the world,” or, like-

KYLE GETZ

Like Cleveland.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Florida is the asshole of the US.”

KYLE GETZ

Oh. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

You know. That was the next meaning that asshole turned into.

KYLE GETZ

Huh!

MIKE JOHNSON

And then, uh- That was around by 1865, in print. And then the first use to refer to a contemptible person, the “asshole” definition, the kind that you’re attracted to…

KYLE GETZ

Mhm. Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

I guess you like both kinds too. I dunno.

KYLE GETZ

Eh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Okay. Kind of a bottom, right?

KYLE GETZ  

Well, it’s also like… I don’t know what you want me to do with this picture. Like, what the- I don’t see the appeal of like when people send you butt pics.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, got it. Got it.

KYLE GETZ  

Do you- Do you like that?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Not at first. Like, there are some guys on Grindr or Scruff like that’s how they say “Hello”: “Here is my hole!”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, there’s no words, just hole.

MIKE JOHNSON

And that’s not cool. That is not cool.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Please- Please ask consent before sending pictures of, really, any part of your body.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I also just don’t… I don’t know. I- I don’t know. I don’t think they’re, like, pretty to look at. Like, I don’t need to see a close up of it, you know?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know. That’s just me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay. The “asshole”, like, to refer to-

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

-a person who is an asshole, is from 1933. And that seems, to me, way late.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I would have assumed we’ve been calling people “assholes” for a lot longer.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I absolutely would have also but, at least according to Etymonline, one of my favorite sites, it was 1933.

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Nerd.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, and- But it got- It got- It grew from there, like things do, and was widespread enough that by the 1970s Hustler magazine had their “Asshole of the Month” column and-

KYLE GETZ  

Wait, was it- Hustler magaz- Was it a person?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, where they would have- People would write in about their interactions with- encounters of the worst kinds of people.

KYLE GETZ

Gotcha.

MIKE JOHNSON

And one would win the Asshole of the Month and would be then put in Hustler that way. There- Until the early 90s it was on the list of words that you couldn’t say on commercial television in the United States, which I don’t remember that being the case because George Carlin always said it was “cocksucker”, “motherfucker”, “fuck”, “shit”, “cunt”, “cock”, and “pussy”, and “asshole” is not one of those.

KYLE GETZ  

They always beep the word “hole”. You know? Like, when they say “asshole”. I don’t understand why, like, “ass” is fine but “hole” is the offensive part of that word.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I don’t understand why they beep anything if we fucking know what you’re saying, right? Like, it’s just- The beep makes it better?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t- I don’t- I don’t get that at all. Um, but yeah, so that’s sort of the etymology of the word and where it comes from, and I just thought I’d share.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you so much. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] That’s our podcast. Um, I want to tell you a little bit about why – not just me, but – people are attracted to assholes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So I-

MIKE JOHNSON

Again, the person kind?

KYLE GETZ

The person kind, yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Great.

KYLE GETZ

I- Yeah. Again, I just don’t need that hole pic. Um, there are- Some of the like pop culture magazine, or like articles and stuff, said some of the reasons are they come across as confident.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

So there are some positive qualities that you may assume a person has if they’re an asshole, and like confidence is one. There’s- A lot of them talked about very shitty masculine traits, or people don’t like men who show any kind of vulnerability or weakness.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So there was, you know, some of these kind of- the stereotypes of masculinity that people assume from being an asshole.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Um, [Kyle chuckles] a lot of articles talked about the Cruel Intentions – the movie – as like maybe pop culture just trained us to like assholes?

MIKE JOHNSON

Wait…

KYLE GETZ

Did you see Cruel Intentions?

MIKE JOHNSON

Who’s in that movie? Ryan Philippe and… others. Et al. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, Reese Witherspoon and… Selma Blair? Yes. I’m seeing yeses. Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, thank you.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, I did- I did see the movie. I don’t remember assholes being like…

KYLE GETZ  

God, he was such an asshole and it was so fuckin’ hot!

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay. Alright. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah! No, that’s- It was a perfect example. Um, uh-

MIKE JOHNSON  

He was- He’s hot independent of behavior, but-

KYLE GETZ  

Yes, but… add that…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…double doozie.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Um, it mentioned daddy issues. Okay. But I’m gonna tell you, based on data… well, kind of why assholes tend to get people, romantically.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Let’s do it.

KYLE GETZ

Um, it is a study called “The Role of Overconfidence in Romantic Desirability and Competition” published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, in 2015 by a whole slew of people. It took like 20 researchers to figure out this information. So, in the study-

MIKE JOHNSON

Again, cancer. Let’s work on cancer, everybody. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

You know? Um, uh, people- So some of the studies, that we already have, say that- They- We can’t like actually, objectively measure “asshole” so they used overconfidence as a proxy for asshole. They- What we do know is that people assume other people accurately can self-assess. So when you act overconfident, people just think you’re that good. Like “Oh, they know what they’re talking about. They must…” you know “…belong”, or “…be right”, or whatever. Um, we also know – this really made me mad – in group tasks, overconfidence is seen as more competent than actual competence.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, [Mike chuckles] ask any woman in the modern workplace. [Kyle laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Um, so they asked the question: we know some of that about overconfidence already, but what about in romance? So they did this quiz that I fucking love. This is- It’s called the “Overclaiming Questionnaire” quiz, which, it has you rank all these topics like 1-5, let’s say, on how well you are personally familiar with this topic. One out of every four, they made up. So one out of every- Like, they used the example of “ultralipids” or “sentence stigma” as just made up things.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

So if you, in rating your proficiency in these made up concepts, rate yourself highly, you are seen as overconfident. And so that’s how they judged who these assholes were.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Is that what’s happening to the word “woke”? Like, they’re just using it-

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle laughs] “I know what that means. Sure.” Yeah, I think so.

MIKE JOHNSON

Confidently fighting against it for, like- What does it mean? Can’t tell ya.

KYLE GETZ  

“Ultralipid” sounds real though.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Ultralipid”?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. It’s like a lipid, but more. [Mike chuckles] Um… I don’t know. Okay, so there was no link between overconfidence and romantic desirability, which surprised me. I thought, like, people who are overconfident would get people they want romantically more. And they do, but not for the reasons they think. They are not more romantically desirable. Overconfidence is seen as competent, which is a positive quality which attracts people to it, but it also- some people see it as arrogance, which detracts people, so it nets out even. So they actually don’t attract people more through that. So the reason overconfidence actually works is because it deters competition. When you see an overconfident person talking to, like, who you’re interested in, you’re less likely to go up to them and try to talk to them as well.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

So that’s the reason that overconfident people- That’s why assholes tend to get people more, is because other people aren’t willing to compete against them for the person they’re interested in.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s like when I’m playing pub trivia and if somebody on the team just like confidently says “The answer is x,” and, like, then everybody just kind of… nods.

KYLE GETZ

You’re not even gonna say your dumb answer.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, yeah. Exactly.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then, when your dumb answer is the right one, you’re like “That fucker. He-”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Why did he have to do that to me?” It’s the confidence trick.

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. Yep. So, people don’t want to compete with overconfident people, and overconfident people are more willing to like put themselves out there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

So, according to the last line of this research study, “overconfidence might not only induce people to place risky bets, but might actually help them win—at least if they are gambling in the game of love.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Aww.

KYLE GETZ

Waw-waw. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Stick to researching, scientists. Um, so that’s the science behind why assholes get more people.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow!

KYLE GETZ

Why do I like assholes? That’s a different question, but-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Is it? Like, what- Is it the confidence?

KYLE GETZ  

I think it’s because I’m not going to talk to someone. That would involve me walking up to them and, like, saying stuff to them… I guess that’s [Kyle chuckles] the end of what I would have to do. But I don’t wanna do that. I don’t want to- I don’t want to move and talk. So if any- If someone comes up to me and talks, I will talk back to them. And so, if assholes are the ones that are approaching me, other people are less willing to approach me, than I think that’s… that’s more likely who then I would talk to or find.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hm. Hm. Interesting.

KYLE GETZ

You seem like you would absolutely hate any asshole, and leave.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

Why? Where did that come?

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause that’s the right answer. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I know. God. I don’t know that we’re gonna figure out all my issues through this episode, but-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, there is definitely something- Like, if there’s a dom/sub dynamic, I think that happens sometimes in this space – Right? – where for the person to so actively discount someone else, their feelings, their- who they are… Like, their- I could see that being like a little bit of a submissive appeal to being around someone who is so dismissive.

KYLE GETZ  

But an actual, like, dom/sub dynamic, they are even more attentive to your needs and wants and so they know that what you want is to be treated in a certain way. Like, it’s actually not the lack of caring or worrying what they’re into. It’s really overly-caring what they’re into, and then doing that, and that may mean – you know – like, giving them a lil slap on the face and spittin’ in their mouth or whatever. [Mike laughs] Or- Hypothetically. You know, like, whatever might happen. That actually leads into… Can I tell you about a Dan Savage article?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, I hope you do.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, there was a Savage Love article about why tops are such assholes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

And someone wrote in and said “Why are … tops such assholes?” and he wrote this thing about like “I don’t see why they treat people the way they do. They act like they’re so entitled,” and in the question that said they had a “general callousness toward bottoms or even a delight in the knowledge that it is they who get to ‘use and abuse’ bottoms,” which I think is what you’re talking about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

And yeah, I don’t think that’s the case in actual, like, dom/sub like relationships, but Dan Savage had on a guest to- [Kyle chuckles] His Instagram handle is @probottom-

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

-so you know he knows what he’s talking about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Talk about confidence!

KYLE GETZ

[Mike and Kyle chuckle] Mitchell, or probottom, said, quote, “From childhood on, men are systematically taught that sex is a matter of instinct instead of intention, … that our dicks are magical wands that bring people satisfaction just by showing ’em off and sticking ’em in people who don’t have one or aren’t using theirs. Gay men aren’t immune to these messages and even reward men who are loyal to straight-passing masculinity.” So there is something- The toxic masculinity that were brought up in absolutely affects gay men. Um, the other part of the answer to this question though is just like… who are you having sex with that doesn’t care what you want or need? Like, who are these asshole tops that you’re sleeping with? Like, you need to advocate for yourself or like fuckin’ kick them out so that they then learn they can’t treat people like that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

They also said, on your filters, change it from “Searching for tops” to “Searching for verse tops” because then you get someone who like knows what it’s like to take a dick.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I think that’s the best advice [Kyle chuckles] that I heard in the whole thing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I heard lots of people say that the way to be a better top is to learn how to bottom, because you gotta know. You have to know.

KYLE GETZ  

You gotta know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Everyone, take a dick. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Do it for gay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

For science. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Well, uh, I’m gonna to talk about the other kind of asshole again, a little bit, but like… how to care- how to care- how to care for your asshole, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Umm… so-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I don’t- I don’t do much for my asshole, in the way of care.

MIKE JOHNSON

Really?

KYLE GETZ

I don’t think I- No. I mean, am I supposed to? I wash it.

MIKE JOHNSON

…That’s good.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you. [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s a start.

KYLE GETZ

Am I supposed to do more than that?

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, we heard from Big Dipper- In Sloppy Seconds, we heard Big Dipper talk about he went and got a butt facial.

KYLE GETZ  

A butt facial, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, but yeah, uh-

KYLE GETZ  

There was a drag queen on stage before, which is why it looked like she exploded. There’s- There’s a little bit of remnants of drag queen here, but she’s fine. She’s alive. She’s doing well. She’s comfortable with her family.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So there- A whole industry…

KYLE GETZ

A hole industry.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Spell “whole”. [audience chuckles] Yeah. A whole industry has built up around like caring for assholes.

KYLE GETZ

Asshole [Kyle chuckles] maintenance, aw.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh- In an article in The Village Voice, a New York paper, called “Britesmile for Bungholes” – [Kyle chuckles] this was this was in 2005 – was sort of analyzing “Where did this come from?” Where did this, like, whole industry come from?

KYLE GETZ  

Why do we feel the need to take care of our butts?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Exactly right. And it came- The best theory is that it came out of an episode of Dr. 90210, on E!, and porn star Tabitha Stevens visited a salon in San Fernando Valley to get her asshole bleached.

KYLE GETZ  

Wuh- Imagine being the person that is, like, credited as starting asshole care.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, so, it already existed or it wouldn’t have been there for her to go to to get this done.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

But that’s when it like, took off.

KYLE GETZ

Huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, all of a sudden like every plastic surgeon in the country is looking at anal rejuvenation, anal bleaching, um and all kinds of like products around… butthole care.

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle chuckles] Can I- I don’t think I know what “asshole rejuvenation” is.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m glad you… almost asked, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle laughs] “Could you say it in the form of a question?”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Sure, so uh, anal rejuvenation is – at least according to Los Angeles Dr. Morel, Zuri Murrell – it is a specialty service offered by proctologist with the goal of repairing any abnormalities and restoring your anal region to its original form. So, there are-

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know-

MIKE JOHNSON

There are a bunch of before and after pictures, [Kyle gasps] that was not what I should be looking at at breakfast this morning. Um, not because the pictures bothered me, but I’m pretty sure that they bothered the waitress.

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god. [Kyle and audience chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, but- But uh, over time, due to age, genetics, ill health, and use…

KYLE GETZ

Use! [Kyle chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

The anal muscles stretch and lose their elasticity, and when that happens the sphincter muscles in the anus lose both their shape and their ability to function well, and that’s where this anal rejuvenation procedure is supposed to help. It’s designed to, quote, “spruce up the anus”. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

But like, your- Like, assholes and sphincters are buoyant. They’re- They’re resilient. They spring back pretty quickly. So like, I guess… yeah, over time, maybe? I dunno.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, and then there’s also- There’s also issues due to conditions like hemorrhoids, anal tags, polyps, skin folds, or anal warts. That is all under the umbrella of annual rejuvenation, getting rid of that.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Cleaning it up.

KYLE GETZ  

Those are like, medical- That’s not appearance, those are like medical things you gotta do.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike sighs] Well, like skin tags are medically benign-

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-but impact the appearance. But I agree with- I’m not disagreeing with you. Just, for whatever reason, all of that- the appearance of those conditions is part of what anal rejuvenation is supposed to try to help with.

KYLE GETZ

Mm. Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, and that’s not to be confused with anal reconstruction, which, this is bespokesurgical.com and they know who their audience is. Their page on anal reconstruction is [Mike chuckles] a shirt dude bending over. Um-

KYLE GETZ  

It’s like an Abercrombie ad [Kyle chuckles] from the 2000s. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. And the procedure is supposed to help with dissatisfaction with appearance, loss of control during intercourse or defecation, overuse of the anal muscles, and anal tearing hemorrhoid tissue and extra skin tags. Um, so yeah, there’s a whole industry around like making your butthole look good and it started with this this this porn star in 2005 and very quickly started being used by gay porn stars – bottoms in gay porn – and now it’s an institution.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Speaking of gay porn stars…

KYLE GETZ

Ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

[dropping sound] …I dropped my phone. Um, do you remember when we got sent this stuff?

KYLE GETZ

We get sent some shit in the mail that’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

All the time. People send us things all the time, but this is-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, I do remember this.

MIKE JOHNSON

-a brand called “Studio Ready”, and this is hot coffee scrub for your butthole and it is, uh-

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Like, wakes up your anus in the morning.

MIKE JOHNSON

It says “This handcrafted scrub contains a precisely blended ratio of cane sugars and natural oils specifically designed to revive and stimulate the skin on your derrière. For a fresher, younger, more moisturized appearance, once a day while showering massage onto your lower region for at least 30 seconds then rinse thoroughly with warm water. Finish with hot perfecting cream.” “Holt”. That’s “Holt”. I’m over 40, I can barely read anymore. Uh, “Finish with Holt perfecting cream.” Do you remember what it smells like?

KYLE GETZ  

No… Oh, that smells delicious.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right, exactly. If you want your hole to taste like that, then you use this stuff.

KYLE GETZ

Can you eat it?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, I think-

KYLE GETZ

Nope. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] …Oh, it’s got a sugary aftertaste! Oh, that’s not bad!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, yeah, if anybody’s interested in, like-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, no, it’s still- Ugh. Why’d I-

MIKE JOHNSON

What?

KYLE GETZ

I don’t- I can’t stop.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, it’s delicious?

KYLE GETZ

No, it’s bad but it- But there’s like sug-

MIKE JOHNSON

You’re gonna put it on toast now? [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Fuck you, Nutella, there’s a new game in town, it’s anal rejuvenation. Not edible. [Kyle coughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

I- I, uh- I used it this morning and uh, it was- it was delightful. You know-

KYLE GETZ

You use it!?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Sorry, on your butt? [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

You know that stuff that Bed Bath & Beyond used to have, that was the like sugary like hand stuff, and then the way that your skin would feel after that?

KYLE GETZ

Mm-mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you know what I’m talking about? Yeah, there’s nods in the audience. That’s good. It’s basically- It’s like that, but that’s what my asshole feels like now, which is pretty- [Mike and Kyle chuckle] which is pretty great.

KYLE GETZ  

Do you want to show the audience, or-?

MIKE JOHNSON

No. No.

KYLE GETZ

Oka- [Kyle chuckles] Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean-

KYLE GETZ

Hit Mike up on Grindr…? And-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, maybe late- [Mike laughs] Maybe later.

KYLE GETZ

Do you send asshole pics?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uhm…

KYLE GETZ

Do you take asshole pics?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of your own hole, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t, I’ve never done it. I don’t do that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It is- It is- It is not for the weak.

KYLE GETZ

I- Have you tried?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes. What you ended up doing is using a timer and sort of like putting your phone on the floor and squatting over it, but none [Kyle chuckles] of them have ever been like pretty enough that I wanted other people to see them.

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t think that’s the way you do it! [Mike laughs] I don’t think you should do it that way! Do you want… Do you want- Do you want me to take a picture of your butt? [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely not.

KYLE GETZ

Are you sure? That’s what- Friends take pictures of each other’s holes. [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

They do not. They do not.

KYLE GETZ

I- Mike, I would take a picture of your hole if you wanted me to.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I appreciate that, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

My mouth tastes so bad. I should not have eaten that. [audience laughs, Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, you know…

KYLE GETZ

Can I have some more?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Life’s a- [Mike and Kyle laugh] Life’s about choices. Umm, yeah. Did you have another segment?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, I’m gonna- Um, do you want me to- I have one more thing to talk about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Move this away from me. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s do it.

KYLE GETZ

It smells very good. Okay-

MIKE JOHNSON  

It does. It really, really smells good.

KYLE GETZ  

The last thing I’m gonna do is, uh, there is the Reddit- the subreddit “Am I the Asshole?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I’m- I searched for gay questions, so I’m gonna do “Am I the Gay Asshole?” Um, which question should I do? I picked a few. Um, we’ll do the one “Am I the asshole for telling my son he is obviously gay?”

MIKE JOHNSON  

…Is there more context?

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, already, we’re not off to a great start.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s not a great start, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, this- Their, uh- This mom’s son is 17, male, she said he’s masc-acting – um, so, cool, already gettin’ those lessons – and he “obviously [has] a boyfriend”, which, she said they like sit real close- It sounded adorable. They sit real close to each other, he calls him handsome, they share clothes, and he is-

MIKE JOHNSON  

At first I was thinking bromance, and then, like, you kept going.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, yeah. They, like, close the door when their alone.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. They could be just broin’ it up, just video games.

MIKE JOHNSON

You never know.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, sure. I need the door closed for my… I don’t h- I don’t know any video games. [audience chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Alien…

MIKE JOHNSON

Smash Brothers?

KYLE GETZ

…shooters? Sure. [audience laughs] Um- Uh-

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s the- We have a gamer in our Discord server who likes to say that, like, he goes to a video game sex party. So they Smash Bros and then they smash bros. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

That’s hot. I could play that game. Do I have to play the game though? Um, okay, so she said, quote, “Today I asked my son if was going to invite his boyfriend on our trip,” – he’s not out, has not labelled him as such – “and he got awkward and said ‘that’s not funny’, I asked what he meant and he said ‘Im straight, that’s not funny’ I laughed”…

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh…

KYLE GETZ

…“and when I realized he was serious I [started] laughing even harder.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

Um, she told him he was very obviously in a relationship with this guy and he was bad at hiding it. Um, apparently he got emotional [Mike laughs] for some reason, and said not to tell his dad and then he got upset, and he hasn’t- he hasn’t talked to her in a couple days. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Well Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, how do you feel about uh… this mom specifically, but more in general what you would have done in that situation?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, if I were her or him?

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I mean, I guess either one, but-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean… first of all- Any context whatsoever, any two people, you do not ever have the right to tell somebody what their sexuality is, especially when they have told you what it is. And, just, until they say differently, that is the truth.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

You can have all of the conjecture, private thoughts that you want, but don’t you dare ever tell somebody else what their sexual orientation is, what their gender is, that’s just not how shit works.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

That makes you an asshole.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. She’s absolutely the asshole. And, um… when she laughed at her son, that was horrifying. Yeah. So, other ways she could have handled this. One: not be an asshole. That would have helped.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

KYLE GETZ

Um, but two: you make it known that it’s, like, “I accept LGBT people.” Like, you know, you say it in a casual way. Show LGBT media and show support so that your son feels comfortable coming out to you, instead of forcing them out yourself.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Everyone deserves to have the right to come out when and where they want.

MIKE JOHNSON  

The time, manner, and place of their own choosing. Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. That’s “Am I the Gay Asshole?”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great, great, great. Uh, so be thinking about your Gayest & Straightest, y’all, because we’re gonna do that here in just a little bit for coffee mugs. I forgot, I have two coffee mugs. I also have uh, big stickers, if you want a big-

KYLE GETZ

Ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

-a big sticker you can have one. There’s little stickers that everyone can have, down here on the end of the stage too, feel free to take one and, uh, I don’t know, piss off a Republican with them. Put them onto their car.

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, yeah, so, for reasons I don’t- I still don’t understand, when you-

KYLE GETZ  

We just do things one time and then we just kind of always do that, so-

MIKE JOHNSON  

We take shots during our live show breaks. Uh-

KYLE GETZ

What did you bring?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, at this time I brought you – from our friends at Ole Smoky Moonshine-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, that’ll wash the taste of coffee asshole scrub-

MIKE JOHNSON

It absolutely should.

KYLE GETZ

-off my mouth.

MIKE JOHNSON

If it doesn’t- If it doesn’t burn your face hole going in there. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, this one is apple pie, this one is cinnamon- dynamite cinnamon flavored, and this one is Blackberry. Which one would you like, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ  

I want dynamite cinnamon.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That sounds bomb.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. I’m gonna-

KYLE GETZ

This is more than one shot.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna go with blackberry, but um- Uh, yeah, do you wanna take a break?

KYLE GETZ

Let’s take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s take a break.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

KYLE GETZ

Cheers.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Are you ready for this?

KYLE GETZ

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

Cheers.

KYLE GETZ  

Ey! I liked the scrub better.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh!

KYLE GETZ

Eugh!

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh!

KYLE GETZ

How is yours?

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike smacks his lips a few times] It tastes, um, maybe a pop tart? It’s delicious.

KYLE GETZ

Mine tastes like a-

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you want this one, to get rid of the taste of that one? I brought three, so you have a choice.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, I’ll sip on this one.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

What is this one, again?

MIKE JOHNSON

Excellent.

KYLE GETZ

Ole Smoky Moonshine. Cool, that’ll wash this right down.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s apple pie flavored.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Oh, okay. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Apple pie flavored.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, are you ready?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So are we back?

KYLE GETZ

We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re back!

KYLE GETZ  

Um, we are gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first, next week is our sixth birthday. We are turning six, so be sure to tune in for our- [audience applauds] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Which is about five and a half years longer than I thought we would be doing this [Kyle laughs] but, uh- So tune in for that. We’re gonna have a birthday extravaganza next week. And um, yeah. That’s all I have in that department.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you have anything to add?

KYLE GETZ  

No, I’m just trying to keep it together because of the various things I’ve ingested. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Alright. Uh, do you want me to do my- Oh, we’re gonna do our contact information.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Our website is gayishpodcast.com.

KYLE GETZ

We are on socials, @gayishpodcast.

MIKE JOHNSON

Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.

KYLE GETZ  

This one isn’t helping.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well-

KYLE GETZ

They’re just- It’s all just mixing into a form like a- Um, uh, our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com?

MIKE JOHNSON  

And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.

KYLE GETZ  

…Oh, go for it. Get it. What’d you think?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Not as good as the blueberry.

KYLE GETZ  

No, I think you got the right one. Okay, um, Gayest & Straightest?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Let’s do our Gayest & Straightest. The straightest thing about me this week is playing pool with you last night.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

We went out to Somewhere Bar, which is a cowboy bar. Uh, it’s a gay bar but has pool, which, Madison Pub, in Seattle, similar vibes, right? It’s a sports bar but for gays. Anyway, yeah, I haven’t played pool in a long-ass time and, like, it felt-

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Yeah, it showed. [Mike and audience laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

You did win both times, in the unsatisfying way.

KYLE GETZ

Well, but I won because- Yeah, it was so annoying ‘cause I was gonna win but then you knocked in the 8 ball. I think you did that out of spite because you didn’t want me to win for real. [audience chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

I-

KYLE GETZ

I don’t think you’re that- Actually, I don’t think you’re good enough to have planned that. [Kyle and audience chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON  

I also scratched when all I had left was the 8 ball, thank you. That’s the other way I lost.

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, but yeah, playing pool with you. And then the gayest thing about me this week is just the way that I packed for this trip here to Boise. Last night’s shirt was my daddy shirt. It says “Daddy” in a sports logo across the front of it. And then this one, which is my “Emotional support top” shirt that I got as a Christmas gift from a listener. So.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, my straightest is when I was walking on the flight, there was a like retired military gentleman standing to the side waiting and I did like the bro nod at him. Like, I don’t know him, I don’t respect the military or any- I don’t know why I suddenly was like “Sir.” Like, I don’t know what- I just- [Mike laughs] Like, the- Like the dude bro nod towards- I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I would love to see you just, like, spontaneously salute, someday. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

This is offensive, I’m sure. I’m sure I have to be some level to do this to you. Uh, my gayest is that after we were planning for this show we went home and we were gonna like keep going, and instead of doing that I got on Sniffies all night.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. [Mike laughs] The dating apps are kind of interesting here in Boise.

KYLE GETZ  

You get on them the second any plane lands, sometimes even before.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sometimes before the plane lands!

KYLE GETZ

How- How’s the- How’s the scene? How’s Grindin’?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh… surprising. Like, Boise is surprisingly chill and cool, and very visibly queer. I don’t know if that’s because it’s Treefort or if it’s just like that all the time but, um, Boise’s great.

KYLE GETZ

It’s like that all the time? That’s cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

And yeah, and Grindr seems pretty, like, I dunno, open?

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

And people show their faces and chat, and, like, when I go home to Yakima County there’s like headless torsos and no picture at all all over the place.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And that’s not the case here.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I was kicked off Grindr, so…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah you were.

KYLE GETZ

Um, does anyone wanna share their Gayest & Straightest? Um- Please come up to the mic so we can get it-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, come up to the mic so we get it on the show, and then-

KYLE GETZ  

And then you’ll get a mug for being amongst the first.

DANNY

Very short mic though.

KYLE GETZ

Um- Yeah. [Kyle chuckles] Say your name. If you want to say your pronouns you can, uh, where you’re from, and your Gayest & Straightest.

DANNY

Um, so I’m Danny. There we go. Um, he/him and I’m from here. Uh, the gayest thing I’ve done this week: I’ve been writing a adult comic about gay trans cowboys.

KYLE GETZ

Yeaaah! [Mike chuckles]

DANNY

Been doing a lot of research for that. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] Um, and the straightest thing I did this week is I went to Home Depot. [Kyle laughs, audience applauds]

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Excellent. Round of applause.

KYLE GETZ

That’s amazing. You get a-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Would you like a mug or a sticker?

KYLE GETZ

Grab a mug.

DANNY

Yes, I would love a mug.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Excellent. I got one mug left, so if you want- if you want that, then uh-

KYLE GETZ  

Someone over here raise their hand… Oh, yeah, come on up!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

EM

Uh, my name is Em and I do she/they, um and the gayest thing I did this week was: I got to go on my first nonbinary date with another AFAB, and they’re also like she/they, and not quite sure where we’re at. So it was really cool to make that connection.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s amazing.

EM

And then the straightest thing I did was, on Wednesday night when I got home and I was really tired from Treefort, I still gave my boyfriend a hand job instead of just going straight to bed. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] [audience applauds]

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s fantastic. [Mike laughs] [Kyle sighs] Anyone else want to share? We’ve got stickers… Okay, great, excellent.

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, if you didn’t give someone a hand job though, like- [audience laughs] Well-

ERNESTO

Not this week

KYLE GETZ

Not this week. Okay. [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Day isn’t over yet, Kyle. Come on now.

ERNESTO  

My name is Ernesto. I go as- I identify as he/him. Um, I guess the gayest thing that I would have done this week would be confronting a gay podcaster that I- at the at the gay club, actually – The Balcony – and then – not sponsored [Mike and Kyle laugh] – and then the straightest thing for me, I guess, would be doing an oil change on a car.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah.

KYLE GETZ

Wooow!

ERNESTO

Very heterosexual, I guess.

KYLE GETZ

That’s impressive. [Ernesto chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know how to do that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Anything butch, like automotive repair, totally, totally, totally counts. Excellent.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s very impressive. [audience applauds]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

DEREK

Um, I’m Derek, he/him. The gayest thing I did was – every day before I leave – making sure my wife thinks I look cool. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Uh, doing outfit checks. Uh, the straightest thing is being a white dude at a podcast fest- working at a podcast festival. And I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ 

Nice. [audience applauds]

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, well, thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for being here. Really appreciate your time and attention. Um, a big thank you to Treefort, especially Alicia who’s been absolutely fantastic to work with. [audience applauds] Uh, thanks to all of y’all that shared your Gayest & Straightest too. Really appreciate that.

KYLE GETZ  

I appreciate Treefort doing Dragfort this year. It’s extremely important that that kept going this year, and it- I went to The Balcony last night, it was incredible. Uh, go tonight. It’s going to continue to be incredible, but I’m very glad you all continue to do that and continue to celebrate drag.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, also, thank you to the people who give us the most money, we care about you more than anyone, our Super Gap Bridgers. Thank you to Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeaah! That is it. This has been Gayish, from the Treefort Music Festival in Boise, Idaho, and the Chris Khachatourians studios. I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.

MIKE JOHNSON

See you next week.

KYLE GETZ

Byeee. [audience applauds]

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Grab a sticker. They’re up here on the- on the stage. And if you want to smell what my hole smells like, here’s this stuff. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]

Gayish: 325 Gay Leagues

He’s out of my gay league! Are gay rec and sports leagues necessary? And, if so, who should be able to join them? What’s the drama behind the Gay Olympics? And how about the tribunal at the Seattle Gay Softball World Series of 2008? LET’S! GO! SPORTS!

In this episode: News- 2:23 || Main Topic (Gay Leagues)- 16:35 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:11:36

On the weekly bonus Patreon segment, Mike and Kyle re-visit the gay origins of the high five with spunky new details. Get bonus audio, video, and other great benefits by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ  

The podcast that’s taking every dick, everywhere, all at once.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh yeah. Yeah. [laughs] Remember when Jamie Lee Curtis had dick fingers? [Kyle chuckles] It was hilarious.

KYLE GETZ  

I still haven’t seen it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, fuck, man.

KYLE GETZ

So, no, I don’t remember it at all.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, she has dick fingers.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

They’re not really dick fingers, but they are wieners.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. I- Why am I now more attracted to Jamie Lee Curtis? You tell me. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I mean, she’s always been delicious. I’m Mike Johnson…

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON

and we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And today…

KYLE GETZ

Today…

MIKE JOHNSON

Hold on.

KYLE GETZ

Oh?

MIKE JOHNSON

We are live from Badger Lake, near Cheney, Washington.

KYLE GETZ  

Live to tape. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Live to tape, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. We are on our- Twice a year, we go hang out with our D&D group and-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-you know-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-party down, and that’s where we are now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. My family has a lake house up here and, um, we came here this time for this. And, just- I guess I just- I always have anxiety about like, if people can tell that we’re not in our element.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, that things are weird. Yeah, I’m sitting on the edge of a bed, you’re on a…

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Ottoman.

KYLE GETZ

on a ottoman. This is not our typical setup. Derek is lost to the ether.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Poor guy.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, so- Yeah, I wonder if he can hear it in our voices.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. We miss you, Derek.

KYLE GETZ  

We’ve got vacation voice. [Mike chuckles] Um, we’re gonna talk about gay leagues.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re gonna talk about gay leagues.

KYLE GETZ

As in, like… sports leagues, rec leagues, that kind of thing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

This was requested by Gap Bridger Joh Stoessel, so thank you for encouraging us to talk about sports.

MIKE JOHNSON

Joh!

KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON

…Stoessel. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Uhh, so- Yeah, thanks for encouraging us to talk about a sports thing that I don’t know that we would’ve had we not. So there’s some interesting things to go on, but first…

MIKE JOHNSON  

But first, feedback and corrections.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, one is a- just sort of a correction? I don’t know. Apparently- So AE Coleman, who is a longtime listener and just a sweetheart-

KYLE GETZ 

Dare I say, longtime friend.

MIKE JOHNSON

And longtime friend, yeah. Uh, he left us a voicemail about how to actually pronounce the Gaelic version of “whiskey”.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

[voicemail plays, AE COLEMAN speaking] 

Hey guys. This is AE, from the Facebook group. Uh, your friendly neighborhood professor and nerd, here to help with your most recent episode on whiskey. So, I’m not a big whiskey drinker but I did study the Irish language back in the day, of course, and it’s gotten pretty rusty since… obviously, there’s not a whole lot of people to practice with in Oklahoma, but I do remember how to say “whiskey”. So it’s pronounced “EESH-ka BAA-ha”. “Uisce beatha”. And yes, Mike is right about it being “the water of life”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That was great. You can play as much [Kyle laughs] or as little of that as you want to, Kyle. [laughs] The magic of editing!

KYLE GETZ  

Your acting was so good. “That was great. I enjoyed hearing that, because I just heard it. Yep. Yep.” [Mike laughs] Good- Good work.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And a little bit of feedback/kind of an announcement. Uh, “Hey, Mike and Kyle, my name is Taylor Bradley. I’m a huge fan and avid listener of your podcast. I think it’s amazing what you two are doing to normalize the discussion of gay culture in today’s world, and I look forward to every new episode.”

KYLE GETZ

Aw, thanks.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Mike, I’m a fellow SigEp and refounding father of the Arizona Beta chapter at the University of Arizona. I’m extra proud whenever I hear you mention our fraternity and it is always a wonderful reminder that we are part of such a progressive institution of Greek life. My fiancé Mitchell and I are finally getting married in May after being engaged for four years and together for seven years.”

KYLE GETZ  

Finally, am I right, Mitchell?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Man, we’ve been waiting for so long.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] “We both love your podcast and make it a goal to listen in whenever we are driving together. We would be honored to have your Gayish blessing as we finally celebrate our marriage in Las Vegas this coming May. Regardless, thank you for doing what you do and please know that it makes a difference.” Okay, here’s the thing, Taylor: I think I’m gonna have to meet Mitchell and then decide whether I bless this union or not.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. We need- We need more info! We don’t toss- We don’t toss around our words lightly.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. We don’t salad toss just anyone. [both chuckle] Um, no. Congratulations, you two, that’s fuckin’ fantastic.

KYLE GETZ  

Are they #Blessed?

MIKE JOHNSON  

#Blessed.

KYLE GETZ  

So proud of you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. We’ll send you a-

KYLE GETZ

God, I sounded sarcastic. I didn’t mean to. [Mike laughs] That’s very exciting. Thank you for writing and listening, and I hope your marriage is wonderful, and amazing, and beautiful.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Did I sound less sarcastic there?

MIKE JOHNSON

Eh, I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

Or still a tiny bit?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Here, I’ll get us out of this: here’s the news.

KYLE GETZ 

No!

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

No you’re not!

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, shit.

KYLE GETZ

No, no, I’m staying in this moment.

MIKE JOHNSON

Son of a bitch. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Treefort is tomorrow, if you’re listening to this when it comes out on Thursday.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh yeah. I know you’re all in Idaho, just anxiously awaiting us.

KYLE GETZ

Or you just have an itchin’ for a road trip. So yeah, if you are in the area, come see us in Boise at the Treefort Music Festival.

MIKE JOHNSON  

If you’re actually itching, go see the- go get it checked out.

KYLE GETZ

Go see your doctor.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] But if it’s- If it’s just a- If it’s an existential itching, to see us, you can.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s the best Nine Inch Nails album, Existential Itching.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Nine inches… mmm. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

There are no Nine Inch Nails! [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

There are no Nine Inch Nails, Kyle! There are though, I’ve seen them. Dicks, I mean. Uhh, okay, here’s the news.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

KYLE GETZ  

I’d say it might be apparent, as we keep going, that we are not in our normal element. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, I think so. Sometimes it’s good to mix it up, Kyle. Just, like, you know, get out of your comfort zone.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Like cookie dough, mix it up.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Stretch yourself. Ooo, that’s gross.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm. No, I love it.

MIKE JOHNSON

News the first: conservative author Bethany Mandel was on a show called- an online news show called “The Hill Rising” on Tuesday, promoting her new book “Stolen Youth”. Host, Briahna Joy Gray, in the course of the conversation, asked her to define “woke”. She could not do it.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

She said, quote, “So, I mean, ‘woke’ is sort of the idea that… um… This is gonna be one of those moments that goes viral.” She knew that she fucked up. [chuckles] She just absolutely could not say a single word about what it fuckin’ means. She tried again and came up with, quote, “’Woke’ is something that’s very hard to define, and we’ve spent an entire chapter defining it. It is sort of the understanding that we need to totally reimagine and redo society in order to create hierarchies of oppression.” “…Sorry, it’s hard to explain in a 15 second soundbite,” she finally said. [laughs] She said she- [laughs] She then [laughs] went silent, hoping for a lifeline from one of the onscreen journalists, and the host said “Please take your time.” [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Fuck yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s so great.

KYLE GETZ  

I can help define it. I mean, my definition is “Hey, the privilege I hold-” “You calling me out on the privilege I hold makes me uncomfortable.” That’s woke.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I think it’s gone even beyond that, Kyle. I think it’s just “Anything I don’t like.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, that’s true.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, it’s a catch-all dog whistle for, just- They think you know it when you see it, and the reason they think you know it when you see it is because they-

KYLE GETZ

They see it everywhere!

MIKE JOHNSON

They see it everywhere and it’s just another way to other.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

[sighs] Anyway, “woke” is – especially in Florida, but throughout the entire country – being used to whip-up a frothy manure… [laughs] a Santorum [Kyle chuckles] of hatred among the right, but particularly towards LGBTQ people, trans people, and drag queens for some reason, who- I did not have that on bingo- my bingo card for who would be attacked next, but here we are.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Herem we are. And uh, yeah, it just- It’s toxic now, right? And The Advocate says that, quote, “Republicans have made the term toxic, using it as a pejorative toward liberals and those whose worldview embraces people from many backgrounds.”

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like that’s a bad thing. USA Today did a poll and they found that 56% of Americans believe that being woke is a positive thing.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Even when using that politically charged word, of “woke”, It’s even higher if you ask things like “Should we care about people who look different than us?” [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Is, uh- Is racism bad?”

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. “Should we teach people about the history of our country? Yes or no.” Like- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Anyway, just, I fuckin’ hate them, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Me too.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I fuckin’ hate them.

KYLE GETZ  

And particularly the politicians. Like, there’s just a small group of people that are really pushing this. It’s not even necessarily popular among Republicans. Like, all- It’s not like this is what the majority wants. There’s a small group that are like really targeting, and those are the people I hate the most.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Ron DeSantis, suck my dick.

KYLE GETZ  

He can- Yeah, he can DeSantis my ass. Wait-

MIKE JOHNSON

He doesn’t deserve my dick.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, I just said something that I think might be positive.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. We’ll workshop that for a little bit.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, news the second: so, former Vice President Mike Pence made a misogynistic and homophobic joke toward transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg at a political dinner and, perhaps predictably, instead of apologizing, has doubled down on his comments. The annual dinner, which is hosted by the Gridiron Club, brings together Washington journalists and politicians, and traditionally political speakers do- like, there is like a roasty sort of nature to it, of, like, good-natured jabs and jokes. This was on the 11th of March, and Pence said- And you have to remember that Pete Buttigieg, the Transportation Secretary, he took two months of paternity leave when his twins – he and his husband Chasten adopted twins – and the right lost their goddamn minds. Like “Why is he off the job?” And- Because they were premature, and had health issues, and were in the hospital, and-

KYLE GETZ

Weren’t they in the NICU, or, like, hospital or whatever?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Mike Pence’s “joke” – big ol’ quotes around the word “joke” there – quote, “I mean, Pete Buttigieg is the only person in human history to have a child and all the rest of us got postpartum depression.” Okay, hot take: I kind of think that’s funny.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] I don’t think I get it. He’s the only one in history to have a baby?

MIKE JOHNSON  

No, he’s the only one in history- It’s- Postpartum depression, you have a baby and you get sad.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

He said- But the difference here is, he had a baby and I got sad.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhhhh. Okay, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

“He’s the only person in human history to have a child and all the rest of us got postpartum depression.”

KYLE GETZ

Gotcha.

MIKE JOHNSON

Now, I understand there’s a certain amount of, like, “Who tells the joke?” and “Are they punching down, or are they punching up?” and- “Or at least sideways.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And there’s some problems there. You know, when the cracker-white former vice president with severe hatred towards LGBT people on record, in the state of Indiana that he used to be governor of… [sighs]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. It’s- Yeah, the context of this, especially in a time when LGBT people are being so, like, attacked so heavily and like stripped of rights and stuff, like, it’s- You know, especially trans people that- It’s just, like… It’s not when you want to joke about that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, the White House requested an apology, to which Pence said “Well-” This is a quote: “Well, the Gridiron Dinner is a roast and I had a lot of jokes directed to me. I directed a lot of jokes to Republicans and Democrats. The only thing I can figure: Pete Buttigieg not only can’t do his job, but he can’t take a joke.”

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

Chasten Buttigieg, who’s just fucking awesome, tweeted, quote, “If your grandchild was born prematurely and placed on a ventilator at two months old, their tiny fingers wrapped around yours as the monitors beep in the background, where would you be?” There is definitely a, uh- I mean, conservatives are, like, not down with gay people having children at all, but then there’s certainly a double standard when it comes to caring for those children.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

And it’s- I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ  

They still expect these, like, long, like, gone gender roles to stay in place, where the man goes back to work and earns money and the woman stays home. Like, they still have that expectation in mind. So for a man to take paternity leave, on it on its own, they’re probably like [in a mocking voice] “Well, that’s not a man’s role.” Like, they have this like real shitty view of the gender roles, and then you throw in the gay thing and that’s a whole nother layer that they just can’t get over.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. The gender gap in income has been explained to me by conservative people before to be a function of the fact that “Well, she’s the one having babies. Of course she’s behind in her career.”

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s fucking disgusting.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Fuck you, Mike Pence, and the fly that you rode in on.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] And the fly that rode in on you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Uh, news the last: President Joe Biden welcomed Ireland’s gay prime minister, known as the… Taoiseach… [TN: saying it like “TEE-shuh”]

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] I think- I hope that’s his title.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Ireland’s gay prime minister.

KYLE GETZ  

Ireland’s gay prime minister.

MIKE JOHNSON  

…Um, known as “the Taoiseach”, to the White House on St. Patrick’s Day on Friday.

KYLE GETZ

Are we gonna get an AE…? Are we gonna get an AE voicemail?

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, I already got one. I already got one. Somebody DM’d me about, like, “You said ‘taoiseach’ wrong,” so I’m leaning in.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

I think I did say it differently, though. I think I said “suh” instead of “shuh”. Anyway, I dunno.

KYLE GETZ  

Do like I do with Patreon and say it five different ways, and one of them will catch?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, known as “the Taoiseach”, [TN: saying it “TAO-ee-seech”] because that’s how it’s spelled.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Are you happy, fuckers?

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Uh, so, uh- We were supposed to get together with Ireland during the pandemic and it was postponed, and- Anyway, so it was just a feel good session about like “Yeah, a lot of Irish people live here,” and Ireland being like “Yeah, U.S., we’re all white. We get it.” [Kyle laughs] But it was also the 25th anniversary of the Good Friday Agreement, which, that’s the whole conflict about whether Northern Ireland would leave the UK and rejoin Ireland in unification, and the Protestants and the Catholics and a bunch of shit blew up. It was real sad. Anyway, 25 years of peace in in Northern Ireland. Anyway- But this is where- This is where it gets maybe racist. I’m not sure.

KYLE GETZ  

If it’s “maybe racist” it’s racist for sure.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, this one says- The AP says that it’s been a tradition since 1952, it’s not just Joe Biden being vaguely racist, but he gave Taoiseach Leo Varadkar a bowl of shamrocks. [laughing] Apparently that’s like a traditional- “Here’s a bowl of shamrocks”? Like a salad? I don’t understand.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Yeah. And ranch dressing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And what the fuck is he supposed to do with that? Like, “Thank you for these shamrocks.”

KYLE GETZ  

“Thank you. This will be rotting in my office until we-” It’s like when I buy vegetables, and it’s like, at some point you have to be like “No, this is going in the trash. I- I don’t need this anymore.”

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna go feed my leprechauns, and-

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] They sprinkle it about the country, and U.S.- and freedom fighters grow from the ground.

MIKE JOHNSON

He also gave him some water that had been dyed green… from the South Lawn fountain.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

I- Just- I- I don’t- I don’t- I don’t- I don’t get it. Anyway, they had breakfast and hung out, and it’s St. Patrick’s Day, y’all. Or, it was St. Patrick’s Day. And apparently, we just hit the Irish visitor with like all of the Irish stereotypes [chuckles] that we could muster, in one visit.

KYLE GETZ

Right, yeah. Yeah. Perfect.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, that’s it. That’s the news.

KYLE GETZ

That’s the news. Well, speaking of… muster…ed, I want to give these people the muster that they- I don’t know. Um, thank you to our following Patreon members: John Clemens-

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s pretty good.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Is that Mark Twain’s great-great-grandson?

KYLE GETZ  

[quietly] I don’t know what that means.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Mark Twain’s name was Samuel Clemens, so…

KYLE GETZ

Ohh, because it was his pen name? Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I’m avoiding the douche shots, being down here. Which, people don’t know what that means.

KYLE GETZ  

Nope.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

There was someone who- but their email is their name and I’m not gonna read your email, but hopefully “CPaul” is enough for you to know who you are, and DNVRCub. Denver cub?

MIKE JOHNSON

Denver cub!

KYLE GETZ

Are you a cub in Denver, or does DNVR stand for something else that I don’t know? Whom knows? Uh, thank you to all our Patreon members. If you want- If any of this so far has made you eager to hear more of us, then go to patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Do it.

KYLE GETZ

Do you want to talk about gay leagues?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Let’s talk about gay leagues. Johhhh Stoessel.

KYLE GETZ  

Joh Stoessel suggested this. If you are a Gap Bridger, after the first three months you get to meet with us and we’ll decide an episode topic together. And I think gay leagues- One of the thing we want to talk about is, you know, how have they changed over time, and are they necessary, and who belongs in them. I think these are all things we want to explore as we talk about this.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Absolutely. And, are they necessary? Are they good or bad?

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Why aren’t neither of- Why aren’t either of us in one?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s talk about that first. How do you feel about gay sports, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, there’re some homophobic jokes in there already, like [chuckles] “Those are two conflicting ideas. That’s an oxymoron.” Uh, but I joined- I actually joined a volleyball league briefly.

MIKE JOHNSON

You did not.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Trevor and I did that for a little bit.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Back after I broke up with one of my exes-

MIKE JOHNSON

Was it Jay Z?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. [Mike chuckles] I was like- Was that one? Anyway, I don’t care. I was like “I don’t have friends.” Like, “How do I make frien- How do I meet people?” And so, like, Tre-

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, that’s when you got real needy.

KYLE GETZ

Yes. Yes. [Mike laughs] Absolutely. But was it then, or-? I think it might have been a different time, actually. But anyway-

MIKE JOHNSON

We were friends. We were hanging out before then.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, yeah, we were, but I was like- I also, like, spent so much time with him. It was like my first real, big relationship and I kind of got lost in it and forgot that I need to have a separate life. And so, when we broke up, I was like “What do I do?” So I- It was not a gay thing that I joined. I joined one for… normal people… [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Oh.

KYLE GETZ

and did that for a little bit. I thought I’d meet people that way. Didn’t, really. But I was like just trying to put myself out- Uh, we met and like hung out with like a couple of dudes a couple times, but I don’t know. It’s one of those things, like, that I would want to do but my anxiety goes up so high, but that’s kind of the point: is a way to like have things to do, meet people, you know, and a gay league would be a better avenue to try to do that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

What about you?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, I mean, I definitely have- I’ve never done it before, first. I’ll just start with that. And- But I have considered it several times, and in a, like, “Maybe that’s a way to meet people”-kind of way. I have lots of friends that are in gay sports, especially gay dodgeball.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Because there’s all kinds of leagues in Seattle. We’re gonna talk about that more, you know, as we get into the episode, but it just seems like a really great way to meet people. They’re all friends doing a thing, and they see each other with regularity, and there’s camaraderie, and it’s- it’s not just getting fucked up at the bar, but like-

KYLE GETZ

But that seems to be part of it.

MIKE JOHNSON

But then that’s also part of it! That’s where I was going with this, is that, like, I just- I’m- I would- I would be even more of an alcoholic if I was a member of any of those gay sports leagues, because they all practice and then they go to the bar, and then they have their game and then they go to the bar. And you don’t have to. There’s obviously, like- They’re adults and can decide, but I’m a little afraid of what it would do to my liver to-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I mean, so many of them that I looked at- Like, I looked at a bunch of just – you know, whether it was local or national – like organizations, and the sponsors are always some kind of like nightclub or, you know, gay venue. Some kind of alcohol… probably some kind of lube.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Like, you know, all of those tend to be like the sponsors, so. I also- One of my fears is that… gays are already kind of judgy and cliquey, but that it would be extra cliquey, that they have a team of people that they always-

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You know, it’s the same people and that any new person would be really difficult to, like, break in and become friends with them. That’s- I don’t- You know, I’ve never done it, so that’s all just my own fears and anxieties about entering into a new, you know, group. But that- I just worry about them being extra cliquey.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, in like gay softball anyway, in Seattle- Don’t @ me, everybody. I don’t really know how it works. But there’s like- There’s different levels of like… goodness of teams, and you have to try out and you get a letter grade-

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and that’s like how good you are and which kind of team you’re allowed to join.

KYLE GETZ  

Can I just assign myself an F and move on with it? Like, do I-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, and I forget if F is better than E or worse than E, but like, I know that there’s like D teams and E teams, and I think F teams is what we’re doing right now. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Not playing softball. And there’s a big long history of gay softball in Seattle to talk about. But I’m gonna talk to you about the history of gay sports leagues. So, as near as I can tell, Kyle, we have Stonewall to thank, because it’s really the late 60s and early 70s that we start seeing stories of organized sports for homosexuals. And the very, very earliest seems to be softball. Softball and baseball teams really got rolling first. And it grows out of these, um- Actually, let me back up. All of this is about gay men. Lesbians have their whole, like, other history that I don’t know that I can really speak to that well, or- nor should I, maybe. But lesbians sort of co-opted straight softball, so it was never- it never became lesbian softball. It’s just, softball became lesbian.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

You know?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So-

KYLE GETZ

“Co-opted” sounds, like, a little judgy.

MIKE JOHNSON

No, no, no.

KYLE GETZ

Is it, like, they were always part of the- that- like, that the softball was always a little bit lesbian?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Like, [A] League of Their Own has a- you know, is based on the actual real women’s ball leagues in World War II, and there’s a whole saga about a couple of players that, you know, were in a relationship. And there’s more or less, I think, a tendency for straight women to be okay with gay women than straight men are with gay men. So anyway, just- Talking about just gay men. Oh, they- The ladies- The first softball league specifically to ladies was The Haveners, in Toronto. They had the Ladies Softball League in the 1960s, so they got started even a little bit earlier. And then there’s Big Apple Softball, in New York, that’s been around since 1977. Anyway, the Greater Los Angeles Softball Association says that gay softball started in the late 60s and 70s. There were gay teams that started forming in various cities around the country and they were trying to play in the normal leagues that had already been set up by straight dudes in those cities and then they encountered, understandably, difficulties in playing with these straight teams.

KYLE GETZ  

‘Cause sports are- I mean, we didn’t mention: sports are all kind of homophobic already. Like, that- We have so many people that are out but, like, in sports it’s kind of this desert wasteland of people not coming out. So there’s- That makes sense to me, that there was- that, in trying to play sports, that you would try to play sports on the regular leagues that already exist and then you’re like “Fuck. Maybe not. Maybe I won’t do this.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep, yep, yep. So, in 1977, a San Francisco business owner invited New York City to send a team to San Francisco. It was a big “Let’s do a gay bar, cross-promotional, bicoastal thing.” And uh, so the Badlands team, which was the community softball league of San Francisco’s gay men, and they played against a team that was made up of various New York gay teams like an all-star team. The New York Badlands, the Eagle’s, the Nest, [TN: The Eagle’s Nest] and the Nickel were all bars that chose players and put together a like team and sent them out, and that was the Big Apple League, in New York. So, San Francisco won and they-

KYLE GETZ

[unenthusiastically] Go, San Francisco…

MIKE JOHNSON

And then decided to call that the first Gay Softball World Series, and that has stuck. So, as far as like national gay competitive league-based sports are concerned, that seems to be like the granddaddy of them all in 1977. Other- Other sports got on the train pretty quickly though, like the International Gay Rugby Association started in the early 80s.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo, hot.

MIKE JOHNSON

The International Gay Bowling Organization also got started fairly early. Oh, yeah. Yeah. International Gay Rugby started forming the 1980s but didn’t actually officially start until 1995. The International Gay Bowling Organization started in 1980 and they claim to be the largest LGBTQIA+ sports association anywhere. Apparently, faggots love bowling, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

That- Why is it, because doesn’t take that much athleticism?

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] I guess so.

KYLE GETZ

Joh told us that, like, sometimes if you didn’t want to out yourself, someone would ask- “The International Gay-” Is that what it- “International Gay Bowling Organization”, is that “IGBO”?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So, someone would say “I Go Bowling Often,”-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

-instead of outing themselves, which I think is both very funny and very depressing, that you might choose to do that instead of outing yourself.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Yeah, I agree. I love it. I love me a secret code.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Umm… let’s see… And they’ve had an annual tournament since 1981.

KYLE GETZ

Do you like bowling?

MIKE JOHNSON

I like to bowl. My ex-wife and I bowled in a league for a while.

KYLE GETZ

Really?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. And… maybe that’s where my fears of, like, becoming an alcoholic are, because we would go on like Tuesday or Wednesday night, or whatever it was, out to the West Seattle Bowl and I would just get fucked up playing bowling.

KYLE GETZ  

Did your game get better or worse as you drank?

MIKE JOHNSON  

The curve is: better. Like, drinks one, two, and three get better and better and better, and then it’s diminishing returns after that.

KYLE GETZ  

Just like podcasting.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughing] Just like podcasting. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. My first couple drinks I’m like loose, I’m ready, I’m excited, I have ideas, and then it goes downhill. Um, I hate bowling.

MIKE JOHNSON

You hate it.

KYLE GETZ

I think it is the most uncomfortable thing to do with a group of people, because after you bowl you turn around and no matter what you did, whether you missed and fucked up real bad or got a strike, when you turn around what do you do? My so- This is like the social anxiety. The discomfort of “What do I do with my face?”- Do I walk by and talk to pe- Do I- Do we just all pretend like that didn’t happen? That is the most uncomfortable walk, barring the walk home I did from my neighbor’s.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, so, next time, just decide, after every ball, you’re going to turn around, grab your dick, and flip ‘em off with the other hand. [Kyle laughs] Just every time.

KYLE GETZ  

And then say “Game’s on, bitches!” [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Even if you guttered, still.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. That’d be fucking hilarious, If I gutterballed it, turned around, flipped everyone off, and said “Fuck you, I’m winning!” and then sat down and pretended like nothing- like chugged beer and then sat down like nothing happened.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m playing golf rules, you bitches. [both chuckle[

KYLE GETZ  

Oh yeah. I’m on a whole nother level, and that level is a very low score.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, God. Yeah. So, moving on…

KYLE GETZ

Moving on. Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

Moving forward. There is a sort of- I have mixed feelings about this, Kyle, and I’m interested in your feedback. The gay softball culture in San Francisco went through a whole period, in the early to mid-70s, where they were playing against the San Francisco Police Department in an annual game.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo. That’s interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, it got big enough that, in 1975, in the slow-pitch softball exhibition between the Police All-stars and the Pendulum Pirates, more than 5000 people turned out to Margaret Hayward Field which is just a few blocks from City Hall. This was the third annual charity game between the San Francisco Police Department and the championship team from the gay community. And it was a, uh- Apparently, even though there were already huge problems with- between the police and gay people – this is just on the heels of Stonewall, which was 1969 – it was sort of a… I don’t know “Let’s build a bridge. Let’s look past our differences,” or whatever. But- And apparent- Dianne Feinstein, now Senator Feinstein, apparently, was at this game. But what really made that fall apart – it was like building and building and building to be this huge-ass thing – was when Harvey Milk got shot. Gay people rioted, and then the police broke it off and they said “We can’t play baseball with rioters,” and they put a stop to what had been this sort of fellowship and goodwill olive branch thing that the gay community was doing.

KYLE GETZ

That feels like when your shitty boyfriend breaks up with you and you’re like “No! No, I break up with you- No! You’re not allowed to break up with me, because I break up with you!” Like, that feels like the same kind of thing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, the cops- In 1979 the cops said, quote, there’s “no way I’d play against those guys after what happened.” That was the consensus among cops who were asked if they’d appear this year in what had become an annual event. So, [chuckles] we started playing with firefighters instead. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, good call, fellas! We made the right choice. I do wonder, like, in playing- I understand that kind of wanting to normal- Like, by doing a recreational thing like that together, then you are like “Hey, we’re regular people that just-” We- They’ll see us hanging out just being regular dudes too, and, like, that could help. But I also would… I don’t know anything about this, obviously. Gayish. But I would imagine that benefiting gay white men mostly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

Like I would- Like, that’s- I would imagine that being the bridge you could build, because black people and people of color still have a particularly hard time with cops. So, like, I would think it’d be the gay white men that would be like “No, no, no, I’m normal. Like, treat me better.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Well, and- I totally agree. And there’s also an interesting story that I only kind of looked into – [Kyle chuckles] uh, Gayish – of, there was a bowling league, a gay bowling league, that was trying to get started in Cincinnati, Ohio in the late 70s and they got kicked out of a bunch of bowling alleys. They didn’t ask permission, they just rolled in there and had their gay-ass bowling tournaments. And so they finally found a bowling alley that would accept a queer league, and in 19- It was 1980, and it was Mergards, which was a black-owned bowling alley in Walnut Hills. So, like, people of color were- they understand differences and they understand, you know, the struggle and-

KYLE GETZ  

Like getting kicked out for your identity, and…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. So, at least at that time, in this place, there was a, like, “Hey, let’s help each other out,”-kind of thing happening.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And we forget that all the time, that, like, people of color like were such a huge part of so many important parts of queer history, and it’s been whitewashed.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. Or then, as white people in that group start earning more rights, then they’re like “Yeah, but do we care about you anymore?” [Mike laughs] Like, they start getting rights and then kind of run away instead of helping everyone else.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Um… okay, so, the Gay Olympics. We have to talk about the Gay Olympics.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did- I know a little bit. I did read a little bit about this, and it’s- Boy, you know it’s gay because there’s some drama.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, there’s some- There’s definitely some drama. So LGBT-focused leagues and events- We got enough different sports going on, organized enough, and enough cities participating from afar, that we started putting together the Gay Olympics. So, it started in San Francisco in 1982. It was an Olympic decathlete named Tom Waddell, and another person named Brenda Young, and other people, but they wanted to make the gay version of the Olympics, right? They had a flame that was lit at the opening ceremony. Um-

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] The flamer was just a dude, standing and like wiggling around. “I’m a flame!”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, God. And that it would happen every four years, just like the Olympics would. Yeah, there’s a bunch of drama there but the part that I really want to touch on is just that then the IOC, the International Olympic Committee, sued them and said “You cannot call yourself the Olympics. We are the Olympics. No.” [Kyle chuckles] And that lawsuit was filed less than three weeks before the first gay Olympics, in 1982.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

And so volunteers had to stop selling buttons and t-shirts so that they could remove “Olympics”, or “Olympic”, or “Olympiad” from their medals, souvenirs, t-shirts, signs, programs. It was estimated to cost the organization between 15 and $30,000.

KYLE GETZ  

Wow. I’m just imagining, like, the news getting, like, the one gay that was in charge of the buttons, and someone telling them and him being like “[gasps] Reprint the buttons? I can’t reprint the buttons. I already got all the buttons! The buttons are already done! It’s a done deal! We can’t redo the buttons!” [Mike laughs] Like, I just picture button guy freaking the fuck out.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

Just having a gay hissy fit.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell hath no fury like an inconvenienced twink, right?

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Not my joke, but I don’t remember where it came from. Uh… let’s see… So the IOC sued under the U.S. Amateur Sports Act of 1978, which gave the USOC, the United States Olympic Committee, exclusive rights to the word “Olympic” in the United States. And, in our defense, we tried to say that, you know, “You didn’t sue the Special Olympics, you didn’t sue the California Police Olympics, you are just choosing us because it’s gay.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But that went all the way up to the Supreme Court and-

KYLE GETZ

Damn.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, the Supreme Court ruled for the USOC in San Francisco Arts & Athletics, Incorporated v. the United States Olympic Committee. So now it’s just the “Gay Games”, which… it’s the Gay Olympics.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, it’s every four years, there’s a fuck ton of different events that people can participate in. The original set was basketball, billiards, bowling, boxing, cycling, golf, the marathon, physique… which, you know that was fun…

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

…powerlifting, soccer, softball, swimming- swimming, and diving, tennis, track and field, volleyball, and wrestling. And uh, just like the real Olympics, events have been added and removed since then.

KYLE GETZ  

And I read- I actually did look on the Olympic site, and they do claim that some of their policies have then been adopted by other sports organizations, including the Olympics for things like the trans-inclusion policy or other things. So they do kind of claim that some of the things they are doing are leading the way for the Olympics to follow.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s pretty cool.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah! One of the big, like, giant middle finger “Fuck you”s happened in 1994 when the Gay Games, in New York City, overtook the real Olympics in size.

KYLE GETZ

Hohohoh.

MIKE JOHNSON

There were 10,864 athletes at that Gay Games, and the real Olympics only had 9,000 and some change and- or, 10,000 and some change, at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. I think-

KYLE GETZ  

Did you read- There was- Okay, there was other drama too.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah, yea- Well, the schism between them and the Canadian one, and like the “Are they gonna merge back together or not?” And now there’s Outsports, and Gay Games- You know more. Say some things.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, yeah. No, no. Yeah. Like, Montréal [pronounced violently French] was like supposed to host it and then they got in a fight with the Gay Games over like certain like policies, or guarantees of attendance, or something like that. And so they were like “Okay, we’re not doing it in Montréal this year,” and they were like “We are.” [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And then that started the schism between these groups that then both continued on.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And that- Yeah, that’s why. So, you can- You basically…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, I forgot to talk about NAGAAA. [TN: saying it “nuh-GAY”]

KYLE GETZ

What’s NAGAAA?

MIKE JOHNSON

The North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance. NAGAAA. [both chuckle] If you wanted to join like gay dodgeball, or gay… you know… bowling, gay whatever, that’s a national organization that has really done a lot of organizing work in that department. And- But, NAGAAA, softball is sort of their bread and butter.

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, should I tell you about some gayta?.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Let’s hit some gayta, Kyle. Save me from this historical morass.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Wow. Um-

MIKE JOHNSON

More ass!

KYLE GETZ

More ass! So, there was one study that I found that was about people’s view, both in sports and out of sports, of gay people. So the study is called the “Recreational Sport [Participant] Attitudes toward Lesbians and Gay Men: An Exploratory Study of Participation, Religion, Socioeconomic Status, and Sexual Identity”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That was just a bunch of nouns. Like-

KYLE GETZ  

This guy had like a title word count he needed to hit, and he got there. Austin R. Anderson published in the Recreational Sports Journal in 2017. So, part of this is studying all of these various aspects of people: whether they play sports, their religion, all of those nouns that I mentioned, and see how they feel about gay men and lesbians. Again, like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, it’s just “Lesbian atheists win,” right? Is that-

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] They- What do they win?

MIKE JOHNSON

Everything.

KYLE GETZ

What do they win this time?

MIKE JOHNSON

Whatever they put their minds to.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Lesbian atheist can do anything they want, um- to my body. [Mike chuckles] There is- I, like, didn’t know this, and it’s one of those annoying things that like- In the academic world, you need something to help measure how people feel about gay people, and lesbians, and other- Like, again, like, it’s so laser focused. All studies tend to be focused on those two groups-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Not just a ruler, then, but like some other way of measuring.

KYLE GETZ  

Some other way of measuring, other than a ruler. There is something called the “Attitudes Towards Lesbian and Gay Men Scale” or “Attitudes Towards Lesbians,” ATL, “Attitudes Towards Gay Men” ATG. Like, this is a thing that was created and studies use and or adopt to fit their study, and it’s this list of questions that you rank on a scale, maybe one to five, one to seven, of how strongly you believe. And so, it’s one of those things that I hate that exists, and also you need that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And I tried to find it. I looked up, like, some of the questions, you know… rate on the scale of how much you believe that “Lesbians just can’t fit into our society.” You have to rate that belief.

MIKE JOHNSON

On a scale of what to what?

KYLE GETZ

Uh, it depends on the person doing the thing but let’s say on a scale of one to seven, how much do you believe that? Like, isn’t that- Another one that I wrote down: “The idea of male homosexual marriages seems ridiculous to me.” Like… we have- You have to do- Just- This- The entire concept of this is just… ugh, it feels so icky, to me, that it exists.

MIKE JOHNSON

Cringy, yeah?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Um, it’s one of those things that’s like- We don’t- Straight pride- We don’t need straight pride, because no one’s ever done a research study to see if people are “accepting of straights”. Like, that doesn’t- There is no “Attitudes Towards Straight People” surv- thing that needs to exist so we can study if people think that lesbians are okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You know? Like, you don’t need that, because that’s not a belief.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Reverse racism isn’t real, everybody.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, people can have racist ideas about white people, but, like, capital R Racism is a white people thing.

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. There is no systemic work against- working against white people, or straight people. Um, anyway, so that’s how they measured how people feel about it. Here are the results. This was a university students, like… like maybe 450 or something university students, that they looked at.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Recreational sports participants as compared to non-recreational sports participants, what would you think the difference is in their attitudes towards gay and lesbian people?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, so… recreational sports participants, I assume, are straight gym bros that are afraid of and hate gay people. That’s-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my assumption too. And, like I said, like we do see in sports, sports tend to be a more homophobic area, as viewed by the fact that less and less- Like, less people come out there-

MIKE JOHNSON

Despite the pants.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Despite- All odds against it. Despite the locker room, the outfits, the cute coordinated outfits, like all of that. They did not find any statistical difference in the attitudes of these two groups-

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

-which was surprising to me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Everyone sucks equally.

KYLE GETZ  

Everyone fuckin’ hates us, but on the same level. No, I didn’t- It didn’t say the level, but, like, that- I was surprised by that, because I had the same expectation. I wonder if there’s some kind of- It did find there was a small number of gay people that participated in these recreational sports leagues. I wonder if part of it is it’s being canceled out by… when you play on a league with someone else, now I get to know them and that normalizes their identity a little bit. I wonder if that helped- helps even some of this out.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, maybe. We know the importance of exposure, like, visibility.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Showing your dick off. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

I- That- Literally, in my mind, all I could picture was someone flashing their dick, the way you were saying that. Um, so, there are a small number of gay- openly gay men and lesbians participating in recreational sports leagues, and one of the findings – one of the like, implications – that the study discussed- So this is- you know, starts to get into their opinion or interpretation of these findings. It said “Given this participation, the level of homophobia that may exist within the environment itself should be of concern to recreational managers.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Which, I didn’t- That’s something that sounds nice at first, like “Oh, given our participation, we should worry about the homophobia.” You should worry about it no matter what. You should not have to have gay people in participation to be concerned that homop- about homophobic attitudes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

And in fact, if you don’t see anyone that’s out in a group, you should be maybe even more worried about homophobic attitudes because someone there’s gay. Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Look around. Someone’s gay. So like, they are probably just not coming out because, like, they can’t because everyone’s being so homophobic. So I didn’t really like that finding.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Republicans aren’t Nazis, but the Nazis sure think they are.”

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. [both laugh] Exactly. Another: household income was not a factor in how people viewed gays, which, like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

That surprises me too.

KYLE GETZ

What would you think?

MIKE JOHNSON

That money is a function of education, and therefore exposure to other ideas and acceptance of people who are different than you.

KYLE GETZ  

Which, other studies I think have shown that, so that was a different kind of thing- result. The last thing is that this research suggests – and I’ll just read the quote, because I don’t want to get in trouble – the research study suggests, quote, “Higher levels of heterosexism when recreational sports participants identify with particular religious affiliations.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Which, surprise, people that are religious: lil more homophobic, like, because their religion teaches them to be. Not surprising to me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

That’s the gayta!

MIKE JOHNSON

Interesting.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, what was the most surprising to you?

KYLE GETZ  

Um… man, that the findings were very readable and digestible. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay.

KYLE GETZ

It wasn’t a super long study, so I could read a decent amount of it. That surprised me. Sometimes you, like- This 30 page PDF, like… “Oh, boy, am I doin’ this?” but this one was like a- It was like a 15 with like a couple pages of bibliography, so that didn’t count. It was it was doable.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, just like me: very doable.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Scientists, do better.

KYLE GETZ

No. No, no, no, no. Keep it at that. Like, keep it a tight 4 pages or something. That would be great for me.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Sorry, that’s- That’s what I’m saying. Scientists, do this more.

KYLE GETZ

Yes, yes. Scientists, keep it tight.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[chuckling] Keep it tight, keep it right.

KYLE GETZ  

Keep it tight, keep it right… with your studies. All night. [chuckles] What’s up, Mike?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, God. Okay, so-

KYLE GETZ

How’s this going?

MIKE JOHNSON

I think it’s fine.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, great.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We can blame Joh.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, Joh.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Okay. I’m gonna talk to you about the Seattle Gay Softball World Series, of 2008, and the drama.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, so, this is all coming from The Stranger, which is our local alternative newspaper in Seattle.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

From an April of 2011 article. And uh, so, basically the Gay Softball World Series was in Seattle and nearly 200 gay softball teams from all across the United States and Canada came to town.

KYLE GETZ  

200 teams?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s a fuck ton.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

This shit is popular. [chuckles] We are, like, not part of this but it is huge.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. So, for the Seattle World Series, the San Francisco Gay Softball Association, which is one of the oldest clubs in the country, sent a team called D2, and they’d been together for a while but the best that they’ve ever done was placed fourth. And so, the coach, LaRon Charles, decided that in order to win they would need to push themselves, quote, “harder than we ever had.” So then, the night before the championship game, there were rumors that started swirling around and the accusation was: D2 has too many straight guys.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

So people were pissed. Like, this is gay softball and the rumors started picking up that D2 had whatever “too many” meant – I mean, I would argue 1 – but like- [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Really?

MIKE JOHNSON

-whatever “too many” meant, they had too many. So, I talked about NAGAAA earlier, the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance, and it put on the Gay Softball World Series and started it, but they had a- early on, they said that straight people weren’t allowed on the field at all, period.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

And they had backed off on that in 1993. NAGAAA Commissioner Roy Melani said, quote, “Now that we have advocates in the straight community, and family members, whether it be sons or parents who want to play, we need to change the rule.” So they changed the rule so that two straight players per team were allowed during the Gay Softball World Series. So-

KYLE GETZ  

And I’m assuming we’re using “straight” as like a proxy for like “non-LGBT”, which is usually how- like, non-cis-het… non- or, cis het people.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, this is one of those things of, like, this is a little over 10 years ago that this article was written. I don’t know-

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-that we were paying attention to that kind of thing at that time. Like, straight and gay seemed more, like, less blurry than it does now?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

You know? There is some more on that, here in just a little bit.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, [laughs] first- Part of what I want to come out of this conversation is this idea of whether gay leagues are necessary, important, useful, etc. And this guy, Mulaney- Melani, the coach of the Portland team, said currently- so, “currently” would be 2010, quote, “The amount of slurs and the amount of abuse that we take—in Portland, Oregon!—is amazing.” “Last year, we arrive to play against another team,” a straight team, “and the umpire says ‘Oh, here come the cross dressers.’” On the field, opposing players called out “Faggot!”, “You throw like a girl!” and, he said with a smile, “Meanwhile, we beat the shit out of these guys.”

KYLE GETZ

Damn! Ultimate flex.

MIKE JOHNSON

He went on, “There was one time, a few years ago, where we split a double header with a straight team—they were ready to take baseball bats and come to blows because we were gay. Mind you, my team was not out there hugging and kissing everybody. That was not what we were doing. We were playing softball. And we were beating them. And that was a problem for them.”

KYLE GETZ  

Mmm. It’s like, if you’re upset because your masculinity is threatened because you’re losing to a gay person, you got an easy insult that you can lob out there.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, absolutely. And, like, men are kind of terrible that way, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, there’s a lot of toxic masculinity that says, to lose, to not crush your opponents, is an affront to your masculinity.

KYLE GETZ

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Even more so if it’s somebody who sucks dick.

KYLE GETZ

Yep, exactly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. They think they are better than anyone who takes a dick. Like, that’s- They should beat anyone who takes dick. Like, that’s their view.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, back to the World Series in- the Seattle World Series, in 2008. Because of these accusations, they brought in three players from that team and subjected them to questioning before a tribunal.

KYLE GETZ

[gasps] To figure out how gay they were?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes. They-

KYLE GETZ

What!?

MIKE JOHNSON

They alleged that they were asked about their sexuality in an attempt to determine whether they should be disqualified or count towards the maximum number of straight people allowed under the rules.

KYLE GETZ  

They didn’t just trust, like “State your identity and we will trust that”? They had to question them?

MIKE JOHNSON

Correct.

KYLE GETZ

Wow. I wonder- Oh my god, that would be like a hotbed of like stereotypes that we could use for this show. We could do episodes on all of their questions, I bet. Like, because what things do you ask them about to like figure out if they’re really gay, or how gay they are, if they pass the gay test?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Well, the tribunal apparently was held in a small conference room inside a complex at the park. One by one, their teammates were brought before a panel composed of leaders in the National Gay Softball Association. Accounts differ what happened, but apparently more than 25 people were crowded into the small hearing room and it felt like a circus, and then according to one of the plaintiffs, “People inside the hearing room were texting private information to people outside while … questioning was taking place.”

KYLE GETZ

Whoa.

MIKE JOHNSON

“When I came out of the hearing room, people I didn’t even know were making comments about my marriage and other things we said in the hearing.” He is married to a woman. But then – this is super interesting to me – one of the people that was accused identifies as bisexual.

KYLE GETZ  

Right- That’s what I was thinking. Like, you can be married to a woman and still be LGBT… Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Someone on the Protest Committee read me NAGAAA’s definition of ‘heterosexual’ [and] I was asked whether it defined me, and I said yes. Then someone … read me [the] definition of ‘homosexual,’ and I was asked whether that definition defined me [and] I said yes to that question, too.”

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Bisexuals. Like, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, because it was about conduct, right? It was about, like, “Do you- Do you fuck ladies? Do you fuck dudes?” and like, that’s as far as they got, and so like bisexual people would have to answer “Yes,” to both questions. What do you do with that?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

There were also a bunch of accusations of racism. Like, all three of these men that got part of this circus were men of color, and he- one of them said that- one of the people in the tribunal said, quote, “This is the Gay World Series, not the Bisexual World Series.” [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Whoa! God.

MIKE JOHNSON

They took multiple votes, and on the final- quote, “on the final vote, I was voted to be ‘not gay.'” [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

What the fuck?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I guess if you’re bisexual- Yeah, I mean, maybe. Yeah, he- But that sucks. This- Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

This is not a bright spot in our history. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Another player just refused to answer any of the questions.

KYLE GETZ

Good.

MIKE JOHNSON

“I didn’t want them getting into my personal business.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

He was also ruled “not gay”. [both chuckle] And then another player, who was not a plaintiff in the lawsuit, was questioned by the tribunal and refused to answer. He was ruled “gay” and he was white.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh. [Mike laughs] Fuck.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. All but one of the Protest Committee members were white. And, anyway, so- Drama, drama, drama. There’s more drama here, but it went all the way up to US District Court, and the question that they’re asking is whether the Gay Softball World Series counts as a public accommodation. You cannot discriminate, especially in the state of Washington, against people on the basis of race or sexual orientation in a public accommodation, like selling cake. [Kyle laughs] And it’s just fascinating to me, this idea of like, we need to have a straight witch hunt-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-over baseball- or, softball.

KYLE GETZ  

And the idea that, like, saying like “No, this is gay, not the bisexual-” Like, gay is also- has been used as an umbrella term to mean all LGBT people, in the past, as well. So like, come on now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yep, yep. Absolutely. Yeah. It’s super interesting.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, yeah. Apparently, we can be pretty terrible to each other.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I mean, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That being said, I kind of get it. Like, that’s a horrible implementation of what I think I support.

KYLE GETZ

Hm. Which is…?

MIKE JOHNSON

Straight guys have other shit to do. There should be, like- There should- Like, there’s got to be a better way to do it. Like maybe just ask people “Hey, how do you identify?” and a cap on cis het dudes, I think, is okay. Like, I think it’s still needed. And, like, I don’t know. I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, can I tell you just things I read about a couple, like, current leagues?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Because I think that- That was one of the things I was really interested in, is, what did they say about who is part of this? So the Sin City Classic – which we had a friend actually participate in – a multi-day multi-sport festival that calls itself, quote, “largest annual LGBTQ+ sporting event in the world.” Which, that seems weird given the Gay Games are a thing. I don’t know, but that’s what they say. Um, they work with 20 leagues, they’re a nonprofit organization.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. I’ve known several people that have been.

KYLE GETZ

Really?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, that one actually- I didn’t write down what they say about- Maybe they didn’t say anything about like who participates, so I don’t know why- That just was a big one. Um, there’s Stonewall Sports which is a national – mainly on the east coast, but – nonprofit that is a collection of 8 different sports and they put on their site “We welcome everyone”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mkay.

KYLE GETZ

The implement- The… implied-

MIKE JOHNSON

“Implication”?

KYLE GETZ

Impli- Thank you. Jesus fucking Christ.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

The implication being: including straight people. There is the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance-

MIKE JOHNSON

NAGAAA!

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] -for softball. They say everyone “regardless of age, sexual orientation or preference”. Although, on their website, they do say that this organization is, quote, “comprised of men and women” like, and then they keep talking. So like, maybe they just haven’t updated their language to be more nonbinary-inclusive? That struck me, in particular. But it seems like a decent number of… like, OutLoud Sports, they said “We welcome-” They call themselves “the nation’s original Queer+ recreational sports [league],” and they said they welcome “LGBTQIA+ and allied athletes”. Like, a lot of people- The- Pride Sports USA said they include allies. Like, you know, I don’t- There are so many of these that obviously- I only looked at these handful of – it seemed like – big national organizations, but so many of them went out of their way to include allies in this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That seems to be what I’ve seen in all the places that I looked.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I- 

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re going- We’re going through- Speaking of the fraternity- God, I didn’t expect that to come up twice in the same episode. [Kyle laughs] Right now, the fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon, we’re one of the largest fraternities in the country, and there are well over 1000 of us who are gay who belong to this secret Facebook group, and right now some of us are trying to, like, formally organize as a entity within the fraternity. We’re gonna, like, take the Chicago Society, which is the name of the- or, “Bromos” is the other name for the group, and get a formal structure going, and elect officers, and raise money, and do some cool shit. And one of the questions we’re wrestling with right now is whether to involve allies, and in what way to involve allies.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause some of it is, like, if we’re just going to invite allies then how’s that different than the fraternity?

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] In general.

KYLE GETZ  

But it is- It is different, and you know it. You know? Like, it is different having an LGBT plus ally space, versus just a space for, like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Kay. So then, the other side of that coin though, is then what about the safety to just be gay with gay people, right? Like, when we get- When we get the gay fraternity brothers around, and then a straight one, even who’s an ally, shows up, the conversation changes.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

The tone changes. People’s attitudes… we butch up and we talk about dicks and butts less and like, you know, we go out of our way to like not touch each other and, you know-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Is there still utility? Is there still a justifiable utility in saying “No, fucking straight people, stay over there. We’re gonna be over here. We can do ally stuff later. Thank you for your support, but fucking go away.”

KYLE GETZ  

I- Okay, the one thing that I- makes me compelled to say alli- like, “It’s important to include allies,” is: you may not be out, and calling yourself “an ally” may be a way to be involved in a safe way and explore it.

MIKE JOHNSON

This has come up too. Absolutely. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I think that’s super useful. If, in order to join, you have to out yourself- Or maybe- Like, you may not- You may not even be out to yourself, and you don’t know why you’re compelled to join this group, but…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Or maybe you’re just a super passionate ally. Or, like- There’s also- I mean- I think, also compelling. That one, I think, is the most compelling, but like they mentioned- you mentioned in your story, like, there’s parents, there’s, like, what if you’re married to someone who’s bisexual but you’re straight? You know? I think there are a lot of people that- like your brother. What if your brothers want to join because like gay issues are really important to them because they’re your brothers?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, there are a lot of people for which I think gay issues are really important to them in spite of not being one. So-

MIKE JOHNSON  

But, back to my brothers, if they’re down to go to Diesel and look at dicks on the TV screens, that’s great.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But we’re not going to tone down the gayness because you’re around.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But there’s some people that can’t. They don’t have the confidence to do that.

KYLE GETZ  

And maybe this helps build- Maybe this would be a good place to build that confidence. Like, is it their- Is it the straight people’s fault that you all are changing your tone and attitude? I mean, it’s understandable that you would, given like, you know, are just living or in a straight world and having to do that, but like, I don’t know. Should they be responsible for the way you change because of them?

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s like straight people in gay bars, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a different version of the same conversation.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

You’ve justified queer spaces before as a necessary thing.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Oh, yeah, but I think another part of it then is like, what do you have to- do people have to write their identity- Like, at a gay bar, it’s one of the things like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

“I to see your straight card.”

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Show me your dick. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

Unless you’re at a gay bar, like, unless you’re causing a ruckus-

MIKE JOHNSON

Show me your underwear. If they’re tighty-whities, you have to go. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. You’re out. [chuckles] Um… yeah. If you’re not wearing a jockstrap, you’re not invited. Um, unless you’re causing a ruckus, like, you’re- You don’t walk up to people and ask their identity. Assume they belong. Like, regardless of what they look like, or who they are. Like, “Hey, you look kind of straight,” well it’s like… that doesn’t-

MIKE JOHNSON

You can’t just ask people why their white, Kyle. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So, like- I don’t know. Yeah. So I think that it should be, um, okay for allies to join. And all of that, like, I think is less compelling than just the idea of closeted people or questioning people exist, and it’s helpful for them.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Another question. So one of the- When I was looking at organizations I did look specifically at Seattle, just because this is where I live, and I don’t know, fuck off. There were multiple leagues, like, for multiple sports. There were two bowling leagues, there were two dodgeball leagues, there were two kickball leagues, there were two volleyball leagues. So like, we have enough that we have multiple options of, like- It has gotten- Like, I was- I mean, I was so surprised at how big this thing is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, wow, we have enough that we have multiple bowling leagues that we can- Um, there were some organizations that were nonprofit, and some weren’t, so that might be something to like look at to see- Like, the idea of corporations, both kind of a corporatized group running this, and on OutLoud Sports, which again, says it’s the-

MIKE JOHNSON

Out loud!

KYLE GETZ

Out loud! …says they’re the nation’s original queer rec sports league. They- On their homepage is this video of like a bunch of the gays that are in those sports league sitting around at McDonald’s.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm.

KYLE GETZ

And you play it and it is an ad for McDonald’s, with them.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ohh. Yeah, I don’t like that.

KYLE GETZ

And then, part of me is like “Get that money.” You know? Like, we should get like- We do this shit. We sell ads, you know? We do this. So like- And that’s also like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Gayishpodcast@gmail.com, if you want use to schlep your shit for you. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Give us money and we’ll promote anything. We have low standards on men and corporate sponsors.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Um, and, like… but on the homepage? That was a lot, and, I don’t know. So like, corporation- What should the involvement of corporations be in these organizations, if any?

MIKE JOHNSON  

What should the role be in straight sports, right? Like, every fuckin’- NASCAR has Budweiser on the side of it, like, just to sell straight people more beer because they like vroom vroom. Like, that’s-

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] [doing a dumb voice] “Straight like beer.” Um, I-

MIKE JOHNSON  

[doing a dumb voice] “Cargo crash. Me drink beer.” [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

“…Beer. Life good” I- Yeah, I think the arguments that I’ve been hearing around corporations in Pride is partially like everyone says, like, “Well, we need the money to fund this,” and also, other people, the counterpoint is like “You can walk down the street for free.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, you can go bowling- Not for free, but like you can go bowling. You can play on a- Like, you can play softball. Like, you- What mone- Like, do you need money?

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

Um, yeah. I don’t know. But you’re right, like, straight things have corporate sponsors, so like…

MIKE JOHNSON  

It pays for things, like the uniforms, and like traveling to fuckin’ Las Vegas for the Sin City Classic, and for, like, I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Maybe the bar tab? [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

And like, that’s another thing, like consideration, I think, is if they’re- Like, I’m guessing a lot of these places like have dues, or yeah, like there’s fees that are associated with it. And so, I hope that, given our rates- Like, you know, we tend to – and, in particular, trans people tend to – have less secure employment like as a group, or may be more likely to be homeless, may be more likely to be lower-income because of the hardships we face. Like, I hope there’s some kind of like scholarship policy available or something. So like, if someone has- is low income, or out of work, or homeless, or whatever can still join these leagues and be a part of it. Like, I would hope that there would be particular attention paid to the most vulnerable of the groups.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. That would be nice. I doubt it’s true. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

Pride Sports USA, I just wrote they have a bad website. [both chuckle] But they’re sponsored by clubs, bars. They have a drag race competition, which, the fact that they had a bad website and a drag race competition, I was like “This is run by gays.” I actually think that this is like a actual community organization. That was my guess. I don’t know. But they have the Gay Kickball World Series, is what they do, and 25,000+ players, so.

MIKE JOHNSON  

There’s an amateur drag competition for Seattle Gay Softball that I’ve been to before, where each team has one of them- is a drag queen for a night and they see how much money that can raise.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, yeah, it would raise money for charities and stuff. That that’s really cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s fuckin’ great.

KYLE GETZ

That’s how- I feel like that kind of thing is how you know it is actually local. Like, giving to nonprofits and like having some things that fit in with the community, like doing drag race, or do- or drag competitions or things like that. I feel like that’s genuine to our like… history, and who we are, and what matters to local leagues.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Okay, so like- I don’t think we answered any of these questions, and I don’t think I know-

MIKE JOHNSON

Gayish! [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

Are gay leagues necessary?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, cool.

MIKE JOHNSON  

100%.

KYLE GETZ

Why is that?

MIKE JOHNSON

Because, I think- Okay, first of all, there’s the one school of thought that we’ve become mainstream enough and until we mix together we won’t be one big happy family. I understand that. That is a utopian future that is based on a reality that we do not currently live in.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

We are not there yet. Sorry.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Agreed.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, and- Maybe that’s- Maybe that’s-

KYLE GETZ  

Period.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I only needed one!

KYLE GETZ

And a stain. [both chuckle] Yeah. I mean- I do think the idea that “Gay is mainstream enough that we don’t need these,” is also like… we have a spectrum of acceptability depending on your identity, and gay is amongst the most accepted these days. Still isn’t. Still have laws being passed against teaching people about gay things, about gay books and stuff, so like let’s not pretend it’s completely fine, but, you know, then you have the other end of the spectrum. We always mention the news: trans, nonbinary, queer, especially youth are particularly under attack right now. So like, that’s not something you could necessarily be comfortable- Especially in sports, like knowing that- having a safe place to go to do that is very valuable. Like, so you have to think of the whole breadth of our community, not just gay white men, and if they are comfortable doing it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I also think, when they are no longer necessary, they will go away on their own.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Why are you trying to rush that, right? Like-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, they’re- They exists, so they’re necessary?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes.

KYLE GETZ

It’s proof in and of itself.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Like, being a gay person- Growing up in a straight society being a gay person is an exercise and feeling like you don’t belong.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And these things are successful because you feel like you belong.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

If you also feel like you belong somewhere else, great. Go join a straight league. A non-queer league. Good for you. That’s great.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But enough gay people want to be gay together doing this thing, belonging to this thing. This thing exists.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I also think that like sports are just such a weird thing. I’ve mentioned they’re particularly homophobic, especially at the national- like, the professional national ones is where we don’t have really that many out people. But sports in general are homophobic, and, growing up, there’s this weird conflict of “I might want to play sports,” and “It’s homophobic,” and people assume that like the locker room- everyone assumes that gays love locker rooms, but the locker room – we’ve talked about this – terrifying as a kid.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s terrifying.

KYLE GETZ

And I didn’t want to be in the locker room. I wanted a separate- I didn’t want to take a shower anywhere near anyone.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, they were terrifying. So like, so much of sports- Am I gonna- Like, “Am I worse than the other dudes? Am I gonna prove how ‘non-masculine’ I am by doing this sport?” Like… [saying quietly] I was very bad at sports. [Mike chuckles] Um, and it’s just this… such a weird, unique, terrifying experience that to get to play with other LGBT people, and feel included in this thing that you have never been included in, is like kind of a magical thing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

I wanted to read- Actually, I wrote down- I sometimes- Especially things- Like, you- We don’t know anything. We came into this not knowing much. So I wanted to write down someone who actually like is involved in rec leagues. I found an Outsports article-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Boy, we should try to do this every episode, Kyle: find somebody who [chuckling] does know what they’re talking about.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. I try to bring quotes of like, you know, explain why a person who is, you know, that identity that thing- So apparently, ESPN, there’s an out… I don’t know, sports talker? Uh, commentator? A sports onlooker? That like- I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

A sportsologist.

KYLE GETZ

A sports- A famed sportsologist, Izzy Gutierrez, who works for ESPN, he’s on Around the Horn – no idea what the fuck that is – said, quote, “If you have trouble finding a competitive sports base that you feel safe in…” abridging it… “If you go to your local LGBTQ sports league, and find a team of whatever sport you want to compete in. I highly encourage it.” So there was like a shout out on a big ESPN show about LGBTQ leagues, and an endorsement of it there. Alex Reimer’s the writer of this article, said that in 2016 they were adrift without a gay community and didn’t have much of a social identity, so here’s the kind of what they said about rec leagues, “Seven years later, I know exactly who I am as a gay man, and the great friends I’ve met on the field are a big reason why. I didn’t only find a space where I felt comfortable playing football — a game that terrified me as a kid. I found a family.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Aww.

KYLE GETZ

So there’s like a sense of- It can be very much a, like, if you don’t know how to plug into your gay community, your local gay community- We get this question all the time, especially on Momsplaining, like “I moved to a new city, how do I meet people? What do I do?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

If you don’t have a plug into the LGBT community, this is a good way, one of the available avenues, that you can kind of get an automatic hookup to groups, and events, and stuff going on.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So I think that’s super useful, like it’s not just about sports for sport’s sake. Like, the value- Like, you can’t- You’re not gonna get your LGBT family from a straight sports league, no matter how many gays are- Like, this is an avenue to gay life.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. For sure.

KYLE GETZ  

So yeah. I will agree that I think gay leagues are necessary and valuable, and I think you’re right, the fact that they exist prove that they are needed.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Did we do it?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. We did- We did a bunch- Joh, let us know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, Joh.

KYLE GETZ

This was your- This was your doing, so let us know if we covered what you want to do. God, there’s so much drama involved in the history. I’m into that. Um, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Should we take a break and play some baseball or something?

KYLE GETZ

Sports break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Sports break! Oh, God, no. Halftime!

KYLE GETZ

Halftime!

MIKE JOHNSON

Two Minute Warning. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Ugh. Sports reference.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

KYLE GETZ  

So are we back?

MIKE JOHNSON  

No.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. [both chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

But I see where you’re at. [Kyle chuckles] Are we back?

KYLE GETZ  

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

Fine!

KYLE GETZ

Fine! We’ll sit here quietly a little longer…. We’re back.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re back! We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first, Treefort. Treefort.

KYLE GETZ

Tomorrow.

MIKE JOHNSON

Tomorrow, in Boise, Idaho. Start driving now, you might make it. [both laugh] It’s uh, Friday.

KYLE GETZ  

And listen to all of our back catalogue on the road. It’s gonna be a fun gay Gayish weekend for you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughing] ‘Cause it’s gonna take you-

KYLE GETZ

So fucking long.

MIKE JOHNSON

-a long time to get there.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, it is Friday, March the 24th at 6pm Mountain Time. You do not need a festival pass to attend. It is free and open to the public.

KYLE GETZ  

And you can see the gay podcast that goes on right before us too, because there are multiple gay podcasts.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Sloppy Seconds with Meatball & Big Dipper.

KYLE GETZ

Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ummm, okay, I’ll do it now. Local gay bar review!

KYLE GETZ

Oooh!

MIKE JOHNSON

I want to talk to you about Tantric, which is a bar in Singapore.

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Okay, so, I did not know that I had the courage to go to a gay bar in Singapore. They just overturned their sodomy laws this year. Despite that fact, there’s been a more or less permitted underground. Not that underground, but there’s a gay part of town that has bars, but like the mental gymnastics of like “It’s okay to be gay, just don’t fuck. Here’s some booze.” [Kyle laughs] Like, “We’re okay with-” Like, it’s just weird to me that they would like tolerate a gay drinking establishment, knowing that- They have to know.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

They’re getting fucked up and doing each other in the butt. [Kyle laughs] Like, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, um, went to Tantric, Singapore, met a fraternity brother there-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and he and Marcy and I went and hung out at Tantric. And it was a weeknight, it was fairly early. The thing is: I bet that place is super-duper fun, it just wasn’t that night. We were like the only people in there.

KYLE GETZ

Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON

And it was adorable, but I just- I can’t give it more than 3 dildos, because that was my experience.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, um, I’m gonna say 3 dildos, but I have higher hopes that if I were there like on a Friday night, when there were other people there, it would probably be really fun.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It was kind of a classy, like, classic place. Like, they had these like overstuffed chairs and stuff like that.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

MIKE JOHNSON

It was really nice. I would hang out and drink there, except Singapore’s fuckin’ expensive, man. [Kyle chuckles] But yeah, that’s Tantric. 3 Dildos.

KYLE GETZ  

Tantric! Tantric. Uh… our contacts.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh yeah. Our website is gayishpodcast.com

KYLE GETZ  

We are on- Our communities are mostly on the Facebook group, the Discord, and Spaces, so join us there. You can find all our contact stuff at gayishpodcast.com/contact.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.

KYLE GETZ

Leave us a voicemail, if you want to. Um, our-

MIKE JOHNSON

Especially if it’s for mom! Momsplaining! We need some questions.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh yeah, send in some questions. Um, our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com

MIKE JOHNSON  

And our physical mailing address, to which our birthday presents should be sent, is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.

KYLE GETZ  

My birthday is right around our podcast birthday too.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, but don’t try to double dip, Kyle. That’s like-

KYLE GETZ  

I’m trying. Herem we are.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, those people- Those people whose birthdays are on Christmas, like, I understand your life is hard but you’re getting one thing.

KYLE GETZ

Mm…

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, Gayest & Straightest?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, I’m gonna look and see. While you’re- While I’m not listening to you say yours, I’m gonna find listeners.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Okay, perfect. Um, my gayest is: in preparing for our travel this weekend, I went to the store and one of the things I bought were little pink frosted cookies.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

And there’s some things like- I just think little pink cookies are something that straight dudes would question, whether- They are fucking delicious, everyone’s been eating them, but like, I still think straight people would, even in today’s modern era of acceptance, like I still think they would be like “Am I gonna get- Am I gonna be in the checkout with little pink cookies?” I don’t know. [Mike chuckles] So that was my gayest. And a wonderful thing about being gay is I get to buy little pink cookies and not worry about it. My straightest is: this weekend, anytime we do this I feel very schlubby. I just- Like, other people actually like get dressed and wear cute clothes like a human adult might do, and I’m just in sweatpants the whole time.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah! Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

‘Cause I want to be.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And I get to.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And I am.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

What about you?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, the straightest thing about me this week is exactly what you just said: I have not showered or changed my clothes since Thursday, and it is Saturday now, everybody.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] I am going to shower after this. That is a goal.

MIKE JOHNSON

I even- Like, I’ve now, two nights in a row, gotten fucked up and slept in my clothes, so I’ve like not even taken them off at all.

KYLE GETZ

This is just your weekend uniform.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. They probably would stand up by themselves now.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Oh, ugh.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then the gayest thing about me this week was getting hammered last night and putting a safety pin through my piercing.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, it-

MIKE JOHNSON

It worked. It went through.

KYLE GETZ

You- How long had it been since you pierced-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Like 10 years.

KYLE GETZ

Wow!

MIKE JOHNSON

Easy. Like, since I even tried. Like, I stopped wearing an earring when I started working for the fraternity. So I was 22. I’m 44 now. Like, I haven’t regularly worn an earring for 20 years, more than 20 years, and I have a couple of times over the years, like, done a “Huh. I would if something would still go through there.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But I haven’t done that in a long ass time.

KYLE GETZ  

My straightest is yelling at you to challenge you to- Like- But then my gayest is I yelled “Put it in. Stick it through there! Put it in!”

MIKE JOHNSON

And then you said “Find a lighter.” You’re like- Because I was worried about the germs, you were like “Use a lighter,” and then-

KYLE GETZ

Just use lighter and burn off the germs!

MIKE JOHNSON

And then Keagan was like “Just soak it in Fireball.” I was like “Oh my god, no.”

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] And if we don’t have a lighter you can just turn on the stove. Just run it through there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ugh. Jesus Christ. [Kyle laughs] Uhh…

KYLE GETZ

A listener’s Gayest & Straightest?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Listener’s Gayest & Straightest. This comes to us from our Discord server. This is dustmyte’s: “Straightest: Raking my backyard and sweeping my patios”, “Gayest: Listening to Brittney, Beyoncé, Doja, and Nicki while do that”.

KYLE GETZ  

Nice! There’s always like something gay going on in my headphones. Like, it doesn’t matter what I’m doing or how straight it appears, it’s like, there’s gay things happening between my ears.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, yep, yep.

KYLE GETZ

I love that.

MIKE JOHNSON

My ears, my legs…

KYLE GETZ

My legs…

MIKE JOHNSON

My crack…

KYLE GETZ

My back.

MIKE JOHNSON

Whatever.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, thank you to Joh Stoessel for requesting this episode.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

We really appreciate it-

MIKE JOHNSON

Thanks, Joh.

KYLE GETZ

-and I hope you like it. And thank you to the dude that invented the high five, that you told me about on the Patreon segment.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh yeah, that boy gay.

KYLE GETZ

Spunk me.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, and thank you to the following Gap Bridgers, who I guess can also spunk me: Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel – hey, that’s the same guy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hi, guy.

KYLE GETZ

Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York. Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thank you. That’s it! This has been Gayish. From the Chris Khachatourians studios, sort of, I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Byeee.

KYLE GETZ

Sports!

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

MIKE JOHNSON  

[mouth popping sound] It’s a homer!

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Ha, ha he, he ha, he ho.

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]

Gayish: 324 Whiskey

Turns out, whiskey isn’t actually that straight. We talk about masculinity, gayta, Fireball, why gogo boys are thanks to whiskey, and homophobia in the whisky industry, especially within Bulleit.

In this episode: News- 4:10 || Main Topic (Whiskey)- 18:45 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:07:32

On the weekly bonus Patreon segment, Mike makes Kyle do a whiskey taste test while Kyle tries to convince him that whiskey and BDSM are connected. Get bonus audio, video, and other great benefits by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

MIKE JOHNSON  

Before we start, this episode of Gayish features discussion, and even jokes, about alcohol and drinking culture. If that is something you prefer not to hear, or if there’s any possibility that will be a trigger for you in any way, we suggest you please skip this week’s show. If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, there are addiction and recovery resources listed on our website at gayishpodcast.com/help. And now, enjoy Gayish.

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish!

KYLE GETZ  

The podcast that will, from now on, refer to virgins as antonym-phos.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Yeah. Yeah. I’m here for that.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] A laugh and then a thought is what I like to get from you. That’s just like the best intros, for me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality, and today…

KYLE GETZ  

Today we’re going to talk about and consume-

MIKE JOHNSON  

[singing] I am the champion, my friend. [speaking] I keep winning. It’s fine.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, fuck me, you’re right! Okay, we’re gonna talk about whiskey, which was Mike’s- I thought- I was like, “Wait, that band’s name isn’t ‘Whiskey’ is it?” Okay. Yes, um-

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] It’s the Gap Bridger poll. We have a monthly Gap Bridger poll and all of our folks at the $50 level get three choices that Kyle and I select, and then they get to vote on which one becomes an episode. It was “Whiskey”, which was mine; “Emperors”, which was mine and people did not like-

KYLE GETZ  

Ugh, thank God. Thank- I would- [Mike laughs] Okay, I know you won with whiskey. Thank you all for not voting “Emperors” number one. That was, if you couldn’t tell, a Mike choice. I did “Cake”. “Cake” got- “Whiskey” still won in the tiebreaker poll, but “Cake” got second in the tiebreaker poll so we’re gonna do cake for the bonus Patreon episode this month.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah we are.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

But first…

KYLE GETZ

But first, I have a correction.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

And I’m really angry to everyone.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Me, too?

KYLE GETZ

Uhhh, yes, and disappointed.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay. Can we just- Like, can you be mad at Derek instead?

KYLE GETZ  

Derek… [Mike laughs] we need to have a talk. It’s not working. Selena Gomez.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, god dammit. Fuck. Jesus, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

Listen.

MIKE JOHNSON

What?

KYLE GETZ

Listen to me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Now we- Can we just blame Murph?

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, probably. [Mike chuckles] Selena Gomez is not the number one most followed woman on- or, number one most followed person, on Instagram. I said that a bunch and no one corrected me that she wasn’t. She is the third most followed person. She is the fourth most followed account. She is the number one most followed woman. So that’s a- Like, every- Like, not only did I say it, but I think Murph was like- Oh, no, Marty was like, “Is that a fact?” and I was like “Yes.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Because I saw a headline that I misread.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. What possessed you to go, like, wrong yourself [laughing] and find out the truth?

KYLE GETZ  

Because of how- Like, I was listening back, and I said it so definitively, and I, knowing that I’m still me, was like- listening to that was like “I’m not that sure.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

“I’m not 100% sure, but I sounded 100% sure.” Anyway, no one sent that in, no one corrected me, and I’m angry at y’all.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay. Well, you know, hey.

KYLE GETZ

Hey. Whatcha gonna do?

KYLE GETZ

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys.

KYLE GETZ  

Whatcha gonna do when they cum in you? [Mike laughs] Bad boys.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Before we go to the news, this is just everyone’s reminder, we will be at the Tree Fort Music Festival in Boise, Idaho on Friday, March the 24th at 6pm Mountain Time, and it is free and open to the public. You do not need a festival pass to attend. Please come see us in the great state of Idaho. Youdaho, we all da ho.

KYLE GETZ  

And “Meatball and Big Dipper” [TN: “Sloppy Seconds with Big Dipper and Meatball”] are the podcast that’s on before us.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, they’re right before us at 5pm.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep. So, you know, come and hang out for both.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Mhm. Mhm. It’s gonna be magical.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And now, here’s the news.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

MIKE JOHNSON

News the first: Charles Sutherland, of Takoma Park, Maryland, was arrested last June and charged with malicious destruction of property and multiple hate crimes in connection with vandalism at two public libraries in Maryland’s Prince George’s County. So, he spray painted the word “groomer” on the entrances of their libraries. And, in case you’re, like, I don’t know, hiding under a rock or something, “groomer” is what the right-wing is using as their dog whistle for anti-LGBT stuff, right? Like, normalization of any sort of sexual or gender minority status is, like, we’re “grooming” just for wanting fuckin’ rights.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Which is not new. They’ve been doing this forever, they just found a new word. And, meanwhile, I only see these new stories that are like “This priest is arrested for possessing child pornography” and “This…” you know, “This straight dude is arrested for all of this-” Like, the real groomers are- They don’t give a shit about kids, because the actual pedophiles out there are getting arrested and no one is like “Hey, look, it’s white men!”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

“Let’s target them!”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

No, it’s just about being anti-gay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Yep, yep. Well, he had been a librarian at Northview Elementary School in Bowie, Maryland, and when he decided to go and spray paint “groomer” on these libraries in his area he was, of course, placed on administrative leave, and as part of that he confessed, said “Yes, I did it,” and “Yes, I have no remorse. I believe that that’s what’s happening because we are grooming children for sexual abuse-” or, “LGBT people” specifically, “are grooming children for sexual abuse.” Anyways, as part of that process he agreed to allow them to search his home. In his home, officers discovered that he had a child-sized doll, several smaller dolls, diapers at his home even though he has no children, nieces, or nephews, and he told them as part of his deposition that he had child porn on his computer, which they found, and he will now face, among other things, misdemeanor charges of possessing child porn.

KYLE GETZ  

I could have just shut the fuck up [Mike laughs] and let this story play out! I don’t know why I didn’t trust the story to just happen that way.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Fuck, man.

MIKE JOHNSON

And he is white, you’re right. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. No one is calling for, like, the reversal of rights for white dudes. Like, that should be what’s happening, given who’s actually committing stuff. That’s- I mean, it’s just- It’s not surprising anymore. It’s shitty that that happens and that we get treated like this, and those stories don’t stick and we still get the backlash. You’re just anti-queer.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And there’s- Ugh. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Fuckin’ A.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, straight people, are you okay? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Goddamn, right?

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause they’re- you’re clearly not.

KYLE GETZ

No. I mean, yeah, the answer is no. Y’all need to get your shit together.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Get it together, straight people. Well, news the second…

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Have you been following this thing with the lieutenant governor of Tennessee?

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

A little bit?

KYLE GETZ

Yes. I’ve seen some of the responses he has made. I’ll let you actually tell people what it is though.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, so the lieutenant governor of the state of Tennessee… which, for our international folks, we have 50 states, every state has a governor, and most of them also have a lieutenant governor that’s like the second in command of the state or whatever. But uh, Tennessee is not a place that’s been kind to LGBT people. This dude, Lieutenant Governor McNally, he used to be in the legislature of Tennessee and was responsible for, among other things, their ban against gay marriage, and they’re very much embroiled in anti-trans bills right now, trying to prevent trans care for minors, trying to- bathroom bills, trying to make trans sports bills. All of this stuff is happening in Tennessee, like it is in many parts of the country. But he’s now speaking out, after he found himself embroiled in a scandal when it was revealed that he frequently liked and commented on Instagram photos of a barely dressed young gay man. He has actively supported the state’s new law banning drag queens from public performances and stripping young people of access to gender affirming medical care, and yet put many, many fire and heart emojis on Franklyn Superstar, who is a very queer young man.

KYLE GETZ  

This is just a lil twink.

MIKE JOHNSON

Just a lil twink.

KYLE GETZ

Lil mostly naked twink.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. In one of the posts here, McClure, who is the twink. The twink in-

KYLE GETZ

The twink in question?

MIKE JOHNSON

The twink in question, Franklin McClure, there’s a close up of his, quote, “buttocks covered in underwear.” Uh, that’s one of the ones that he put – that Lieutenant Governor McNally put – several fire and heart emojis in the comments, and, in a follow up comment on the same post, Lieutenant Governor McNally wrote, quote, “Finn, you can turn a rainy day into rainbows and sunshine.”

KYLE GETZ  

Did he think these are like private messages? Like- He’s really playing into this, like, kind of person that is out of touch and doesn’t know how to use social media. Like, what do you- what did you think was happening?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right? Yeah, exactly. Well, so, I mean, he is 79 years old and maybe doesn’t know how it works… potentially? I don’t know. That’s ageist of me, but I kind of-

KYLE GETZ  

It’s- Well, that’s the problem that he’s playing into. Like, there are so many people that know how Instagram works, and they’re of all ages, including people that are older ages. Like- Yeah. I don’t know. He’s kinda- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, so-

KYLE GETZ

He’s playing into the stereotype. Hey, that’s what our show is about.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So his- When asked “Why did you do that?” his response was, quote, “I, you know, try to encourage people with posts and try to, you know, help them if I can.” “[My intentions were] basically trying to encourage him.”

KYLE GETZ  

Man, I encourage your – what was it? – briefen-clad buttock and dick. [both laugh] Like, I encourage that too. You know what? We’re on the same side in that. I encourage that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, yeah. Well, in like one of the most awkward news – local news – segments I’ve ever seen, [Kyle gasps] he sits down and does an interview with this reporter.

KYLE GETZ

Oh no!

MIKE JOHNSON

One of his- [chuckling] One of his tweets- One of Franklyn McClure’s tweets was… this reporter just reads it to the lieutenant governor… bunch of emojis, says “I Am not a WHORE, I am a HOE! There is a difference! One is a SLUT and the other is a PROSTITUTE! I’m the one that gets free weed for giving head!” Liked by Lieutenant [laughs] Governor McNally. And so, the TV reporter’s like “Why did you like that?” and his answer was…

[news clip of Lieutenant Governor RANDY MCNALLY of Tennessee being interviewed by PHIL WILLIAMS of NewsChannel 5 Nashville plays]

RANDY MCNALLY:

I don’t know that- You know, a lot of times, on people’s posts, you see the name and you see what they’ve written and you just press the button that says “like”. So-

PHIL WILLIAMS:

So you didn’t read that post?

RANDY MCNALLY:

I don’t recall reading the part about the- the, uh, weed, I know that.

PHIL WILLIAMS:

What about the prostitute?

RANDY MCNALLY:

I might’ve- I might’ve read that.

PHIL WILLIAMS:

In that case, was it appropriate to like the comment?

RANDY MCNALLY:

Probably not. Probably not.

[news clips ends]

KYLE GETZ  

Do you re- First of all…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…I’m a whore and a ho. [Mike laughs] Don’t take that away from me. Number two… do you remember? We did the episode on Harry Potter a long time ago when JK Rowling was still in-process of trying to hide that she was a TERF?

MIKE JOHNSON  

She was a proto-TERF.

KYLE GETZ  

A what?

MIKE JOHNSON

Proto-TERF.

KYLE GETZ

Define that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Proto-” is a prefix that means “The stage before you become a full-fledged something.”

KYLE GETZ  

Ohhhh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think so. But I- It was like- But she did the same shit. She would like stuff and then her publicist was like “Ahh, she, you know, she just fat-fingered stuff.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, that’s how this- It’s- We have to- It’s so frustrating that we have to pretend like what’s happening isn’t happening. Like, you can’t- We all know what’s happening, but because there’s- he didn’t say “I did this on purpose-” I don’t know. Everyone’s pretending like it’s not what it is.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Yep. He also has reiterated his opposition to marriage defined as anything other than one man and one woman.

KYLE GETZ

Sure.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, but also says that he has friends in our community, and that he’s not- quote, “not against those individuals, I just try to encourage and support individuals that I know,” “[but] I probably could have been a little more careful in my selection of things.”

KYLE GETZ  

“I’m not against my gay friends, I just don’t care if they have rights-”

MIKE JOHNSON

Rights, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

“-or if anyone treats them well.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Exactly right.

KYLE GETZ

Fuck off.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And fuck his gay friends! If you’re gay- Like, I get your family is struggling with, like, you coming out and you’re still, like, you’re not cutting them off, you’re still working through things, but if you’re friends with someone that is actively working on these bills, a politician like this or someone who is that- or a right-wing anyone who is working hard to destroy our rights, fuck you if you’re still friends with them. I don’t know if these gay people really exist, because that’s an easy thing to be like “No, I have gay friends.” Like, sure. But if you are his gay friend, like, fuck off. Like, you need to cut ties with him, and if you’re still friends then you’re the reason he gets to say “No, I have gay friends.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. For sure.

KYLE GETZ

I’m angry at people that probably don’t exist. I don’t-

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, they’re definitely not listening to us, so…

KYLE GETZ

That’s true. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON  

News the last.

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, a court in Italy has ruled that Ruggero Freddi- [TN: saying it “ROO-ga-row”] Ruggero Freddi? [TN: saying it “rug-GAIR-oh”] Freddi? [TN: emphasizing the “di”] I don’t know. However you say this motherfucker’s name.

KYLE GETZ

New Patreon [laughs] supporter.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, a court has ruled in his favor that he was indeed unfairly dismissed from his job at the university La Sapienza because they found out that he was a former gay porn actor. So, he was given no explanation for his unfair dismissal. He used to work as an actor in the gay porn industry in the United States under the name Carlo Masi. He worked for Colt. I have seen him before.

KYLE GETZ

You’ve seen his work? You’ve seen his body of work?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of body, sweet Jesus…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah?

MIKE JOHNSON

He- Yeah. He’s- He’s a- He’s a- Yeah, he’s like a muscle daddy-kind of a situation.

KYLE GETZ

Ooh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Basically, he was looking at academia as his way out of gay porn. He got two degrees, one in mathematics and the other one in engineering, and started his PhD and became a professor at the faculty of engineering at university La Sapienza in 2017, and he then sort of noticed that his colleagues and superiors were becoming more and more prejudiced against him, and he noticed a, quote, “increasingly hostile environment.” “Many of the extracurricular activities [I] proposed [were] cancelled without explanation. [I put together] a meeting on the topic of HIV that [I] had organized with a student group [and that was] cancelled”. Things got worse in 2019, when he was offered a teaching position for a mathematics course. He worked for 60 of the 100 hours that he was contracted for, and the university fired him and then did not pay him. [Kyle gasps] That’s when he decided to file a lawsuit in the civil court of Rome. And, so, just this past January, the judge ruled in his favor and ordered the university to pay the former gay porn actor €2500 for the teaching hours that he worked and wasn’t paid for, and a fine amounting to €1500 for unjustified dismissal. He said, quote, “I was forced to sue. And I won. I hope my case gives courage to all PhD students who are exploited after years of studies and specializations,” “Now I have a normal job with a salary, I hope that others will also find the courage to speak out.”

KYLE GETZ  

Nice. I think people – even people on the left to support sex work – I think some of them do it in theory, and maybe in practice it’s harder. Like, would you date a sex worker? If you found out that your teacher is a sex worker, how would you feel?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And that’s very different than just theoretically supporting sex workers, and I think a lot of people are not as progressive as they think they are, and that’s your own shit that you need to work on.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, but there’s also this weird, like, I don’t know, court of public opinion that’s a real problem, right?

KYLE GETZ

Mhm. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, even- I think that there are organizations of a certain size that, even if I as a leader in that organization support sex work and sex workers, I know that enough people don’t, that looking like we support it by employing someone then lends itself to people, like, not buying my product, or not applying to my school, or whatever.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But there’s also, at least in this country- I don’t know how it works in Italy, but in the United States you can’t, like, bring a person’s private life, if it’s for a protected class, into your decisions about their employment, right? So, unless you’re, like, fucking on campus and filming it, or something, like, that’s just- it doesn’t apply to your ability to teach math.

KYLE GETZ

Right. Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right?

KYLE GETZ

Exactly.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, anyway, that’s the news!

KYLE GETZ  

That’s the news. Uh, speaking of people that I bet could teach math, because they’re so smart, are our following new Patreon members! Thank you to Paul Roberts. There is no fucking way I messed that up.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Nailed it!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Paul- He’s gonna email and be like “My name is actually ‘pah-OOL’.”

MIKE JOHNSON

“Roe-BAIR”.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, “pah-OOL roe-BAIR”. Um… [Mike laughs] sorry I yelled at you, Paul, for no rea- You did nothing but have an easy name. [Mike laugh] Uh, Kallum Cameron? Did I not put- Oh, Kallum Cameron McDonald. Uh, most serial killers have three names…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Eugh-eugh, eugh-eugh. Um, and- Do you know why most serial killers have three names?

MIKE JOHNSON

Because it sounds sinister?

KYLE GETZ

Because they, like, they added in the middle name to make sure that, like, it’s not mistaken for a different person. It’s, like, to specify the person. It’s not- They don’t actually have three names. Anyway, that’s what you learn by listen to murder podcasts. And, Zachary Stallings.

MIKE JOHNSON

Stallings?

KYLE GETZ

I think all of these I might have gotten.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

KYLE GETZ

Let me know, or don’t. If you want to get- Oh, um um-

MIKE JOHNSON  

You’re barebacking 1000, Kyle. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

Don’t talk about my weekend on the podcast. Um, Mike’s mouth feels empty. My mouth is empty, y’all. Fill it with your 100 words.

KYLE GETZ  

If you are at the $15 level and up, remember that you get to write 100 words about anything and Mike will read it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So- But if you want to check out all the benefits, go to patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do it.

KYLE GETZ

One of the many benefits of being a Patreon member is that almost everyone gets to vote on what topic they want to see. Either the Gap Bridgers get to vote on what topic we pick, they drive a lot of our episode ideas and conversation, and then the- most other people get to vote on the tiebreaker just in case, because that happens, but this time it was whiskey and we- Yeah. You won the whiskey.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And you and I are now drinking whiskey to celebrate.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, we are. We are drinking whiskey, although you’re drinking Fireball.

KYLE GETZ  

Which you said, as I poured it, was not real whiskey.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I don’t- I think of it as, like, a sweet cinnamon liqueur that maybe has some whiskey overtones to it. [Kyle laughs] It’s not a whiskey. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Notes of whiskey. Hints- I’ll actually talk about Fireball in little bit.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I’m drinking Bulleit and I’m definitely gonna talk about Bulleit later, so it all works out.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, interesting.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then, for those of you who are Patreon supporters, our bonus segment this time around is going to be me making Kyle drink all of the whiskey that I have, which is many, while we talk about BDSM.

KYLE GETZ

Yes, and-

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna torture his mouth hole with my booze- face.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] And you are correct that I am drinking Fireball, only because it is the sorority girl-

MIKE JOHNSON

The rest of them are terrible. [laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, because otherwise I would have to drink whiskey. So, yeah, I- This- I don’t know. A tasting. We’ll see if it’s any good or if it’s just going to be me going “I don’t like… it.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I know. I know- I know which one. Do I do them in order of what I think you’re going to like, or dislike? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Oohh. Ohh. We’ll see.

MIKE JOHNSON

Or alphabetical. Who knows. I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ  

Find out on the Patreon segment. Coming to a Patreon near you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Two Scotches, an Irish whiskey, a couple of Bourbons… it’s gonna be great.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

And some more Fireball. You can wash it down with Fireballs. [both chuckle] Well, I’m gonna talk to you about the history of whiskey!

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

But not really.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, like- like, you know, human beings have been like letting shit rot and drinking the juice for like millennia, and- [both chuckle] Uh, it’s true though.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s the most disgusting description of alcohol, that is actually still true.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, the Babylonians in Mesopotamia definitely did distillation in the 2nd millennium BC, so it’s at least 4000 years old that we’ve been doing distillation, which is different than like wine, or beer, or mead, or other kinds of alcohol in that there’s a process, right? Like you’ve got to- You’ve got to distill it, which means let it evaporate so that it purifies, and you let it- you let it evaporate and then recondense what evaporated into the drinkable form of liquor.

KYLE GETZ  

Barrel- I think of barrels when I think of whiskey.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, that’s absolutely right. Yep, but we’ve been doing it a long-ass time. But the word “whiskey” is really what I wanted to talk about.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Spell it.

KYLE GETZ  

I actually- [both laugh] Because of looking up info, I- Can I-

MIKE JOHNSON  

What? Yeah. It’s your podcast, Kyle, do whatever the fuck you want to. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Okay, the thing I was gonna mention for Fireball: there’s a Q&A on the Fireball website and one of the Qs in their Q&A page is “Why is … ‘whisky’ … spelled without an ‘E’?” and their answer is “Fireball Cinnamon Whisky traces its roots back to the cold land of Canada, where ‘whisky’ is spelled without the letter E and people ride ‘toboggans’ instead of sleds. Strange place.” [both chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

So there you have it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So with or without “E”, depending.

MIKE JOHNSON

Canada, how do you feel about that?

KYLE GETZ  

Canada, let us know in the Canadians-only Discord section, where no one else is allowed.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, yeah. And really, they’re not allowed anywhere else. So, like-

KYLE GETZ

That’s true! Well, that’s true, yeah. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, so the word “whisk(e)y” is W-H-I-S-K-Y or W-H-I-S-K-E-Y, and it really just- We can’t agree on why, but “whiskey” with an E is more common in Ireland and the United States, and “whisky” without the E is basically how everywhere else spells it.

KYLE GETZ  

And then, the gay community, we often- we love E so we spell it with the E. …Ecstasy.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I got it.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay. Okay, did you?

MIKE JOHNSON

I was trying to-

KYLE GETZ

It just wasn’t funny? Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, I-

KYLE GETZ

No, that’s fair.

MIKE JOHNSON

I-

KYLE GETZ

That’s fair, Mike. That’s fine. That’s okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I was trying to figure out how to spell whiskey with an X.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Oh yeah, “E”’s more like estrogen. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, I’ll-

KYLE GETZ  

The gender-neutral form [laughs] ends with an X.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Whiskx? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, God help us. So whiskey, at the end of the day, is more or less universally a grain whiskey, and you distill it in a, usually, copper still of some kind, but it’s just water and grain, whether it’s malted barley or some other type of grain, and sometimes yeast. Sometimes just the sugars and the grain are what make it ferment, but it’s basically- It’s more or less the same everywhere, and they add different flavors to it based on, like, what kind of a barrel they put it in – which is something that you talked about – how much smoke they smoke the grain with before it goes into the process.

KYLE GETZ  

Like- And part of why we’re talking about this is whiskey is a straight stereotype. Like, a smoky whiskey is what I imagined some dude drinks at the end of working his banking job, like, sitting on his couch like smoking a cigar.

MIKE JOHNSON  

There are very, very powerful, like, tropes about men drink whiskey with a cigar in the back room, just manning it up with the other men making decisions for their lady folk, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yup. Yup.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, they’re in the study with the books and the, like, the globe-

KYLE GETZ

The robe.

MIKE JOHNSON

-the globe that doesn’t turn, it just has the whiskey in it.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] And he’s wearing a robe, a purple robe, for some reason – all of this is straight for some reason – next to a fireplace.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Uh, but yeah, like, whiskey is- does have like serious masculine overtones. All of this was to say, I think primarily this episode is going to be a straight stereotype episode.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But also, um, I really couldn’t find anything in the history of whiskey that is gay, but it is gae…lic. That’s where the word comes from. [Kyle laughs] Um- What?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. No, it’s fine. You did it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

In Latin, distilled alcohol of all forms is what’s known as “aqua vitae” which is “water of life”, and that made it into the Gaelic languages Scottish Gaelic and Irish Gaelic, and modern Irish for that matter, as “uisge” [TN: saying it “WIZ-gay”] or “uisce”, [TN: saying it “WIZ-kay”] and, uh, U-I-S-C-E, and… “beatha”? [TN: saying it “BAY-tha”] “Beatha”? [TN: saying it “BEE-tha] I don’t speak Irish, Kyle. It’s like the hardest shit ever. Like, their letters don’t make the same sounds, and-

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know, Polish is pretty wild.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well yeah, that has no vowels. It’s just, like, mashed-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, z’s and w’s. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON  

But yeah, it’s- The word “whiskey” ends up in English via Gaelic.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. I don’t just Gae-lic, I gay suck.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right? Yeah. Gaysuck. Taoiseach… that’s the president of Ireland. Anyway, he was gay.

KYLE GETZ

Really?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, he sucks… its… dick. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

You just went on a journey there, that you lost me for.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Best episode ever. Yeah, it’s- I made my joke. It’s Gay-lick.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, how do you feel about whiskey? You hate it, right?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Well, I think it’s bad and I think everyone pretends it’s good, and they pretend like they’re cool by ordering it old-fashioned, and they don’t look as cool as they think they do. Um, okay, anyway…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. Good segment.

KYLE GETZ  

What about- You like whiskey.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I do. I don’t particularly care for, like, Bourbons. I’m a Scotch drinker, but fairly limited to certain regions of Scotland, right? Like, there’s the really, really smoky peaty Scotches, like from Ila. I’m usually not a fan. There’re some exceptions. But, I like the fairly simple Highland Scotch, like a single malt Highland Scotch that’s not super smoky. I like that. I like that flavor. But I also- I’m not a purist. Like, some people hate the way that I drink whiskey because I almost always do whiskey on the rocks and a squirt of water. Like, I like the flavor but I don’t want the burn of the alcohol. So, there a lot of people who say whiskey should only ever be drink neat – or, meaning just the whiskey and nothing else – and maybe like a drop or two of water. Like, you’ll even-

KYLE GETZ  

I’ve heard real pretentious people say you add “just a drop of water”, and it’s like… oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It opens up the bouquet, Kyle. Blah blah blah.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, something something something.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Douchey douchey douchey.

MIKE JOHNSON  

But at the Scotch whiskey Experience in Edinburgh, which is the world’s slowest roller coaster while it explains to you how Scotch is made, um-

KYLE GETZ  

I bet the roller coaster gays are like “Wait, I have an opinion about you calling it a roller coaster!”

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s kind of adorable. They put you in a big barrel and, like, you move along a track while like they show you the history of how Scotch is made, and blah blah blah. Anyway, they said over and over again in that presentation that, like, there is no wrong way to drink Scotch. There’s no wrong way to be gay. Stop gatekeeping. If you like the flavor of it, then great. Go for it. Do it. That’s- It’s free. That’s- Do it.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, um-

KYLE GETZ  

That’s a good connection, yeah. I think- Yeah, you’re right that a lot of people do have judgments about what to do, and it’s like… man, just like the things you like and let other people do the same.

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

How- I- How do you feel when you drink whiskey?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Umm… Huh. Yeah. I don’t know. Like, there’s a certain amount of, like, I feel fancy.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, I put it in one of my glasses that’s, like, a whiskey glass, and I feel- It’s not- I don’t typically do it to get drunk. Like, I really am trying to enjoy a whiskey. Like, if I’m gonna get fucked up I’m gonna drink a bunch of seltzer, or like beer, or like shots of vodka. I don’t know, like- But I’m- This, I’m legit doing for an experience. So there’s a certain amount of, like- I guess it’s- Is that pretentiousness? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

But it’s back to, like, like what you like. You’re not using that to judge other people like in a different way. Like, you’re- So, I would drink whiskey and occasionally do that, and occasionally do that with beer, where I’m like “I want to drink this. I don’t love this, but I want to feel like a dude right now.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And that- So, there is part of me that just likes- dislikes the taste, but still likes the concept and doing it, and that’s purely about the stereotypes about both of the beer and whiskey alcohol. Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

The taste is fine. I don’t despise it. Like, I’m fine with it, but there’s like a feeling that I get of like, “Cool, I’m one of the dudes right now.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

So there was a time- Okay. We’ve said before that there are a lot of gay stereotypes that start out as something that’s actually feminine, it’s associated with feminine-ism. Feminism? Femininity.

KYLE GETZ

Femininity, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then that gets sort of projected onto gay men as, like, “They are feminine because they take it,” and that’s how it enters the gay lexicon and identity. I wonder if the reverse is also true though, and here’s where I’m going with this: there was a period of time when, for all of my male friends birthdays except for you, [both chuckle] I would get them a bottle of some kind, usually of whiskey, especially my dad every year. But that’s- That’s what I would do. I would go and I would pick out a whiskey for someone and give that to them, and then when I realized that our friend Sharayah likes whiskey I was kind of thrown for a loop by that. I was like “You can’t like whiskey, you’re a girl.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then I had this consternation about, like, “Well, do I put her on my Birthday Bottle of Whiskey list, because she likes whiskey? That’s easier than figuring out what else to get her.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But I definitely had this, like, weird “I give whiskey to dudes,” and, like, I had to readjust my schema for like how the whole thing works, because she’s a female.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And so, I don’t know, it’s like, there are certain things that I associate with masculinity and therefore not with femininity, and then not with gay dudes, right?

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. Yes. Absolutely

MIKE JOHNSON  

So, like, you end up not being on my whiskey list, well, because I know you don’t like it, but also I think that there’s also- there’s a weird, fucked up gendered thing that’s happening there that I’m, like, unpacking.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah. And I think that’s a good example of how deeply- Like, when those kinds of things happen, when all of a sudden you you’re hit by this- what could be obvious, like, “Oh my god, I only give this to the dudes. Why do I do that?” like, that’s so deeply ingrained this feeling and this association with masculinity- I think we talk about stereotypes all over the board, and some of them are deeply ingrained, some of them are new, and some of them- But this one, I think that’s a good sign that this is deeply ingrained in our beliefs that it’s so associated with masculinity, that you, a person who… y’know, I would think you’re beyond any kind of gender norms, or assumptions, or steroty- But we still have these.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Or, at the very least, I consider myself a feminist, so, like-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And still this happens. So I think, yeah. But, do you want to know the truth about whether it is actually straight?

MIKE JOHNSON

Boy fucking howdy, do I do.

KYLE GETZ

Good. If you said “No,” [both laugh] then that would- This episode would be just you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh wait, not if you’re gonna tell me. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Okay, Twerry, come on in.

MIKE JOHNSON

No, no, God. Please no, God, no.

KYLE GETZ  

[in a high-pitched voice] I hate whiskey.

MIKE JOHNSON  

No, fuck, no! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

[in a high-pitched voice] I’m a straight bottom. Okay, um- [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

What do you think we find on Terry’s computer if we- [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god. There issss a… I’m pretty sure something that I’ve referred to before, “preferred alcoholic drinks … by sexual orientation”, this is for the US, it was a study done in 2011. It was published on statista.com. You have to pay to get the source, which, fuck you, that’s mean. But I didn’t, so- On statista.com. And then, you know, they do gay, straight, men and women. Those are the only options, so, oops! Only binaries. Um, okay, so-

MIKE JOHNSON  

The worst breakfast cereal ever: “Oops! Only Binaries”.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] Just ones and zeros. Okay, so, for whiskey, the breakdown, in order of most preferred to least preferred… Why…? [Mike laughs] Hold on. Let me- This looks weird. Let me double check this, actually. Did I do this wrong?

MIKE JOHNSON

Gayish.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, no, I just had to double check because number one, highest percentage, the group that ranked whiskey highest out of all four of these categories: gay men.

MIKE JOHNSON

What? What?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

What?

KYLE GETZ

I just- Appar- I mean, I wrote this down.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hard disagree, Kyle. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I mean, but this is numbers and yours is a feeling, and feelings don’t matter. [chuckles] Straight men are at 19-

MIKE JOHNSON  

[singing] A feeling. I’m high on believing.

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t know what that is.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s “Hooked on a Feeling”. It’s fine.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, oh oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m in a mood today, Kyle. Do you think it’s the whiskey?

KYLE GETZ

I think it might be the whiskey.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you think it’s that I had a boy in my bed this morning?

KYLE GETZ

Ooh, do you wanna talk about that instead?

MIKE JOHNSON

No I’m gonna talk about that on the Cake episode. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake. Uh, gay men were at 26%, straight men were at 19%, lesbians were at 18%, and straight women were at 7%. So I would have expected straight women to be the lowest on the list, but-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Just so I understand: this is-

KYLE GETZ

Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON

-what percentage of them said “Of all of the boozes, whiskey is my favorite,”?

KYLE GETZ

Their preferred alcoholic drink.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

And yes, all of the booze are options that they could select from.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Okay. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So maybe just the- Okay, so then I also wrote, like-

MIKE JOHNSON

That still seems like a lot. Like, 1 out of 4 gay dudes?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I would think, like, just like vodka soda would be like 85% and then like a Long Tail of nothing after that.

KYLE GETZ

You could pick multiple ones.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Okay, okay. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

But still, a quarter- Whether or not they they’re ordering it on this time, a quarter of gay men like whiskey.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, well now I think it’s bullshit.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah? Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Because maybe- Okay, here’s- I’m trying to talk and think at the same time.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s a problem.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s what podcasting is.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, great. Um, six years in, Kyle. Here we go. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

We are figuring- I think we’re starting to figure it out.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I wonder if that made it easy for them to check the things that they think that they’re supposed to be into, if it’s like a masking thing for them, if it’s like “Whiskey? Yeah, I’m into whiskey! Dude, dude, dude!” but like they don’t actually drink it in their real life?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Maybe.

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause “Select your favorite,” that’s a different proposition than, like, “What, of these, will you put in your hole?”

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. [both laugh] And we know that gays will put anything in there. So, for gay men, the highest percentage drink was wine, followed closely by vodka. For lesbians, the highest percentage was beer, followed by wine actually. They liked wine at a higher rate than gay men.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, straight men, beer was far and away their preference. Beer was at 61%, said they liked beer, and 30% said wine. So-

MIKE JOHNSON

That checks out.

KYLE GETZ

Everything else was a little bit closer, but for st- That was like the highest percentage, is that straight men like beer.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And, interesting, lesbians and straight men – the numbers are different, but the order – beer, wine, vodka, same order for both groups, which, that’s the stereotype is that, you know, straight men and lesbian women are akin to each other.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And straight women, it goes wine, beer, vodka. So, no one had whiskey in their top three, but yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s interesting to me too. Like, wine being first for straight chicks checks out. Okay-

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON  

But I expect number two to be, like, I don’t know, vodka?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, wine, beer, vodka for straight women. And, for everyone, wine was up there, which I don’t think of straight men- You know, I think straight men is not liking wine but, again, like, this is where- Yes, far and away they more than double liked beer, but that doesn’t mean zero like wine. Everything then gets to these binaries, as we talked about. Like, everything just gets to “Oh, gay men like it more, so that means straight men don’t like it,” which, that isn’t the case, and I think it’s hard to untrain our brain from, like, putting things into just “Yes,” or “No,” categories.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, there’s also, um, way back in season one on our Wine episode, the whole talk about how, like, straight dudes… [in a deep voice] “I only drink, red and it has to be a Cab.”

KYLE GETZ  

“I want a big bold red,” And- Yeah, our friend Chris was on there and he was like “It’s hot. Like, are you sure you don’t want a cool refreshing white wine? I know that’s for ladies, but it’s okay if you drink that.” 

MIKE JOHNSON

Too gay! Too gay!

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep. Yeah. So yeah, wine does have a big enough variety that, you know- As does beer, so… And everyone fucking loves vodka. That’s the gayta!

MIKE JOHNSON

Gayta, gayta, gayta!

KYLE GETZ

Surprising. Alright, well, I’m going to- I’m gonna tell you a very sort of, I don’t know, painful story. It’s not painful-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

The story’s not painful, the story is great. I just don’t know how to string it together to be, like, maximum drama, you know?

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay. I don’t- Usually, before you start telling a story, you don’t say “This is gonna be bad.” Usually- [laughs] Usually that’s not a great setup for a story, but-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Absolutely true. I’m gonna tell you about the movie “Whisky Galore!”.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. I don’t know what this is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Whiskey Galore! is a film that came out in 1949, and it’s a British comedy produced by Ealing Studios. It starred Basil Radford, Bruce Seton, Joan Greenwood, and Gordon Jackson.

KYLE GETZ

…No.

MIKE JOHNSON

All of those people are dead.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

But yeah, it came out in 1949 and, in that movie, the inhabitants of the isolated Scottish island… of Todday? Todday. Todday. T-O-D-D-A-Y. It’s in the Outer Hebrides. So, they run out of whiskey, it’s during World War II, they have no whiskey, everyone’s real sad because, [Kyle laughs] you know, whiskey is the only thing worth living for, I guess, if you’re Scottish?

KYLE GETZ

Sure. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I- Anyway. But then- So a freighter, the SS Cabinet Minister, runs aground and begins to sink, and they learn that there’s 50,000 cases of whiskey on this boat.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

So where this is going is: the French version of this movie, Whiskey Galore!, is “Whisky à gogo !”. “À gogo” means “a lot”, or “in abundance”, “galore”, there’s a bunch. So, Whiskey Galore! was Whisky à gogo !. So then, in France, in… Juan-les-Pins… [TN: saying it “WAUN-luh-pee”] It’s a seaside town near Cannes.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, you’ve had some names to do today. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. This dude opened a French bar in the early 60s, named for that movie, called “Whisky à Gogo”. It was at that bar that he began to hire lady dancers that began to be called go-go dancers. [Kyle gasps] And then there was a, uh, Los Angeles club that borrowed the same name, and they- it’s still there, actually, a bar called “Whisky a Go Go.” It’s in West Hollywood and- on the Sunset Strip, and they borrowed their name and business model from this French bar, really popularized the idea of lady go-go dancers, and then that morphed eventually into male go-go dancing: topless men and then, eventually, just, like, dudes in their in their underwear. Anyway, so, like, that’s the very, very short version of just, like, we have whiskey to thank for go-go boys!

KYLE GETZ  

Wow. You owe so much to whiskey.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I do. I do. [both chuckle] I’ve spent so much money on whiskey. It’s so much money on go-go boys.

KYLE GETZ  

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between whiskey and go-go boys for you. You’re like “Pour me a glass of one of either.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, yeah. Yeah yeah. But, uh, apparently go-go boys started in the 60s, and as a direct influence from from go-go girls, and go-go girls, you know, got their name from this French bar that got its name from this movie about whiskey shortage.

KYLE GETZ

That’s so weird, how language works like that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think it would have been crazy to be- Like, we’ve talked a lot about the post-Stonewall pre-AIDS gay- scene gay culture.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Apparently, it was pretty raunchy. Like, there was- In the United States, which, I think of the United States is being, like, super prudish and, like, a place where you can’t go see full dong in public. [Kyle chuckles] But that- In the 70s, that was not the case. There were lots of live sex shows, male strip clubs. There was, you know, a lot of go-go dancing that started during that time that was just, like, my favorite kind of go-go bar but everywhere.

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] You wouldn’t have to go to a go-go bar, you’d just go to a bar.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Yeah, yeah. And then, some people say that, like, go-go dancing- There was this big decline in go-go dancing in the 70s, but Madonna brought it back.

KYLE GETZ

Huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

And that kind of upsets me in a way, because I think she gets credit for a lot of stuff that, like, isn’t actually hers. But, um-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. But she did- Like, you can give her credit for popularizing something, but I think maybe some people think that it started there.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s true. There’s like a-

KYLE GETZ

There’s some credit that she should be given, but she’s been given more credit than is due.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I just think about voguing – right? – and like, she full-on stole that from black people.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Or did she? Or like, was that her intent? Or like- I don’t know. What do black people think? Do they think that this white lady stole their- their art form? Like, I’ve heard that sometimes, but I don’t actually know that we talk about it that much.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, that was my very contorted and pained way [Kyle laughs] of letting you know that whiskey gave us the term “go-go boy”.

KYLE GETZ  

It wasn’t contorted, you vogued through that segment.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ

I’m still stuck on- I just- I wrote this and then blocked it, that gay men have a higher percentage- like, preference for whiskey than straight men. I don’t know- Like, I don’t know why I, like, I just- I didn’t proc- I didn’t- I wrote that down and then clearly just was like “I reject this information,” and moved on, because I, like, I was surprised all over again.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I’m still on that. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s like when I go back and listen to an old episode of Gayish and I’m like “That sounds like me. I remember none of that.”

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] Sometimes I learn a lot from listening to old episodes. [Mike laughs] Sometimes about my own life, you know? It’s a journey for all of us, together. Let’s all listen to back episodes, that helps our downloads. Okay, I’m gonna talk about Firewall- Nope, Fireball.

MIKE JOHNSON

Fireball?

KYLE GETZ

Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Which I am actively drinking.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, so- What? You raised your hand. [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

I did!

KYLE GETZ

Mike. Mike, you go.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thanks, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

We should institute our hand raising policy.

MIKE JOHNSON

God, it would- it would have helped with my brothers being on last week, I think. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Ohh, yep. Yep. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Thanks to everybody for being so nice about that episode. It was a lot of fun.

KYLE GETZ  

Thanks to your brothers! We didn’t really thank them. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

We didn’t really thank them.

KYLE GETZ

It was because we were doing our lil schtick. Thanks to your brothers for being on! It was a blast.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

We should have them on again.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I think that’s par for the course though. Like-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, why tell them nice things?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Just- They know, right?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, you know. Yeah. Don’t tell your family you love them.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Exactly. Fireball is just, like, white trash nectar, right? Like-

KYLE GETZ  

My first question is: ask you and your family.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, great. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Like, you and your family drink it. Is that what you’re referring to, like, your family?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Shots of fireball, shots of Rumple Minze.

KYLE GETZ

Rumple Minze.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, that’s the- I have a bottle of Rumple Minze. That’s not whiskey, so we can’t do that during the Patreon segment, but, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

No, that’d be illegal. When I went-

MIKE JOHNSON

You did shots of Fireball with my grandma! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yes, like, who was walking around with a fucking tray, like, who wa- like, doing shots with people! It was- Compared to my family, who, my parents split one margarita at dinner – you know? – it’s just very different.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

But is it- Is it- Is that just your family, or is it actually kind of a white trash stereotype?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I think of it as being a white trash thing, and I don’t- I think it’s because it’s so approachable and easy, and, going back to our talk earlier about, like, the smoke filled room and the snifter of brandy with a cigar, there’s a sophistication level that’s there and it really feels like the just, like, smack-your-dick-in-my-face cinnamon flavor that overpowers everything whiskey-esque about it is like… that screams low class. It’s like, it’s the low class version of this otherwise classy thing, to say it’s “Fireball whiskey.” I don’t know. I didn’t think about any of that before I said it. So now I-

KYLE GETZ  

Gayish. [Mike laughs] Um, is- But you stumbled- No, no, no, that all makes sense, but where you got to is “Is ‘Fireball’ whiskey?” Actually, I’m gonna talk about that. Is “Fireball” whiskey?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay. Not those little tiny bottles. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Not those- Well, you said even the- There’s- Is it actually, like, made of whiskey, versus like what you’re talking about, like, oh, there’s like, you know, heavy cinnamon flavoring? Yes, the little things of Fireball are not- there is no whiskey in them. There’s small, like, 99 cents things that are in the smaller bottles, they are sold in more places, and those are called Fireball Cinnamon.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

Versus Fire Cinnamon Whisky which is- contains whiskey, which is the bigger bottles of it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, okay. So like, the big- the handle, the half gallon of Fireball that you just poured this drink that you’re actively drinking out of likely is- has whiskey in it.

KYLE GETZ  

I looked at the name of the bottle as I poured it, and it said “Whisky” on it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

That is the- Like, it’s one of those tricky things.

MIKE JOHNSON  

“Technically correct” is the best kind of correct, Kyle. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Okay, speaking of, we’ll see what you say about this. On the Fire Cinnamon label…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…so the one that does not contain whiskey…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…the lil bottles, Fire Cinnamon label says “Malt beverage with natural whisky & other flavors and caramel color.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, that’s corporate bullshit for… I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ  

“natural whiskey & other flavors.” What they- They are actually being sued over this.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay.

KYLE GETZ

They-

MIKE JOHNSON

I’d heard something about this, but not over the why.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, it is-

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, just the headline that went out was just like “It has no whiskey in it.”

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

You’re drinking, I don’t know, somebody’s Big Red chewing gum spit? I don’t know. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, someone just snapped cinnamon, chewed on the sides, and pissed into a bottle, and that’s what you’re-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Um, no, it’s because “natural whiskey & other flavors,” like, the ambiguity is clearly intentional. Natural whiskey flavor & other flavors.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s- But it’s constructed in a way that- And they do have- To their credit, “natural whiskey & other flavors” is ampersand, and then they wrote out the word “and caramel color”, so those things go together.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, they just did this all in the most convoluted way, so that people think it’s whiskey. It’s clearly intending to do this.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Have you heard of all of those lawsuits where, like, the Oxford comma actually has, like, determined the legality of what’s happening?

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. I think I’ve- That’s my favorite thing because it’s, like, you should always care about grammar, not just when it gets you sued.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Use the Oxford comma, ya bitches.

KYLE GETZ  

Mhm. Mhm, mhm. Oxford will thank you. So, the class action lawsuit is for fraud and misrepresentation. Also, I read, on NPR, that part of the lawsuit is, “given the lack of whiskey, the 99 cents for a 1.7 fluid ounce bottle is overpriced.” Imagine being sued [chuckles] because your product was too expensive given how shitty it is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, yeah. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

I really enjoyed that. Uh, the suit seeks to represent more than 100 additional customers, and the amount of damages exceeds 5 million.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

So I-

MIKE JOHNSON  

How can I get in on that sweet, sweet cinnamony money goodness? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Your family could be, like, named at the top- It could be “Johnsons v. Fireball” if- I think, based on how much y’all drink this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I mentioned one of the questions on Q&A that was about why it’s spelled without an “e”. There’s also “Is Fireball made with real cinnamon?” and they say “You’re damn right!” Don’t worry, I can taste it. You’ve- [Mike laughs] Yeah, you’ve put enough in it for two. And “Is Fireball safe to drink? I heard Fireball has antifreeze in it, is that true.”

MIKE JOHNSON

I’ve heard that too.

KYLE GETZ

No, it doesn’t have antifreeze.

MIKE JOHNSON

Somebody told me that it has formaldehyde in it. I’m like “Fuck you, it does not.”

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] I don’t think it does. And that is- That is Fireball.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. How is it? You’re out? You’re almost out.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, yeah, I did- I did one finger. I have a tiny butthole of a glass.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Excellent.

KYLE GETZ

I can only take one finger.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well done. I have to be careful because, like, the cinnamon and the booze will, like, sometimes like make my heartburn get out of control if I, like, you know, if I’m not ready for it.

KYLE GETZ  

But also this- Like, like you mentioned, this is one where, because of like the cinnamon and like its sweetness, you can kind of like drink it and then all of a sudden be like “Oh, goodbye, everybody.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

“This is the end for me.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Have you ever had a… what’s it called… an Orchard Fire?

KYLE GETZ  

No, what’s that?

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s an Angry Orchard cider with a shot of Fireball in it.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, that sounds delicious.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Lots of people fuckin’ love that. Also, that’s white trash as fuck and it’s amazing. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

I love that. I want that now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. I don’t have any Angry Orchard, I’m sorry, but, like-

KYLE GETZ

Ah, fuckin’ Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

I’ll just get the angry…

MIKE JOHNSON  

Just angry?

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

The fire part? Yeah, anyway. What you were- You just talked about Fireball so I’m gonna talk about what I’m drinking, which is Bulleit.

KYLE GETZ  

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh-

KYLE GETZ

These name- Okay, I just realized this: both names are- Like, whiskey names, are they all like [doing a gruff voice] “I’m a man. It’s Bulleit!”? Like, there’s got to be one like “Tank Shield”, and there’s probably another one called like “Sword Penis”, you know? Like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Shield Whiskey, let’s see if it’s- Uh… oh. There is a product called “Tank Shield”.

KYLE GETZ  

What is it? [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, but it is- It’s paint for the outside of tanks. For, like, holding tanks.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. Oh, perfect. That’s actually a good name for that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, drink it, you’ll probably get fucked up. So, like- [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

That does have antifreeze in it.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, no, I think you’re right. Like, Scottish whiskies, they’re named after like the- like, it’s always some like Auchentoshan, and Glenlivet, and Glenfiddich, and Tullibardine. Like-

KYLE GETZ  

Glengoolie is on Archer.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And then, it seems like American whiskies are named after people. Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, uh…

KYLE GETZ

Oh, yeah. It’s like, “Grandpa used to get fucked up on this shit. Let’s name it after him!”

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Yeah. Yep.

KYLE GETZ  

You we’re gonna talk about Bulleit.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh yeah, I’m gonna talk about Bulleit. Okay, so, I want to be clear: I plan on, as soon as this bottle is done, which, there’s maybe one more glass of it left in the bottle, I’m never gonna buy it again.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. Will you tell us why during the course of this segment?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I am gonna tell you why, according- Yeah, during this segment. Okay, so, Bulleit Bourbon has, like, risen and become super popular for a long time. It was, you know, everywhere, and Costco sells it, which is why I have a bottle, because I throw parties and I usually get all my shit at Costco. And, it’s pretty well-regarded for like its high quality given the price point. And it was- It’s distilled in Lawrenceburg, Kentucky by a man named Tom Bulleit. And that-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, that’s really a name?

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s really a name, which is why it’s spelled the way that it’s spelled. Because it’s not spelled “bullet” like a gun bullet. It’s spelled B-U-L-L-E-I-T.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

The Bulleit family apparently has been making whiskey at least since the 1830s, and history happens, mergers happen, and it becomes part of this megacorporation called Diageo.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Now, according to the HRC, Diageo is one of the best places to work for LGBT equality-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, nice.

MIKE JOHNSON

-for the last nine years, but the Bulleits themselves, apparently, are just fuckin’ homophobic.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, Hollis Bulleit, the daughter of Tom – and for a long time she was known as the First Lady of Bourbon – in 2017 she posted to Facebook that she and her wife, Cher – hah, nice – had been squeezed out of the family business because they’re lesbians.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, the First Lady of Bourbon married a woman and we can’t have that in Kentucky, so she was she was forced out, pushed out.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Oh, just her wife Cher. I’m still also- I can’t- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean-

KYLE GETZ

There’s just- There was just a lot in that sentence that was very gay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Lesbians, if you want gays to care about you more, marry a Cher. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

[singing] Do you believe in pussy after love?

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] Okay, so, in this Facebook post she said, quote, “One is not respecting personal family business by staying silent when people’s civil rights are at stake.” “In light of my experience, I do not understand how the company I worked for is on many of the top … ‘best places’ [lists] for LGBTQIA employees to work.” There’s homophobia in the whiskey industry, and in the alcohol industry in general. “In the course of [the] ten years [that] Cher and I spent [with the company we spent] less than three weeks time in the company of the Bulleit family. I was forced to deflect questions about my family at work events which put me in a horrible position [of] not … my making; either through assumptions, omissions, or direct advice. … [And when my] step-grandmother passed I got [only] a text.”

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

“I was asked to come home for Christmas [but] Cher was not invited.”

KYLE GETZ

Damn.

MIKE JOHNSON

The only holiday … we attended was Thanksgiving in 2016, and … we were promptly uninvited via text from the following core family Christmas. And [it was] because [the] family was business and intertwined with a global corporation, I find it odd that I did not benefit from the departments and safeguards that are put into place to either intervene or provide mediation or educational diversity training as would be the expected protocol for employees in this type of situation.” Anyway, she goes on.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a big long thing about how, like, Bulleit is homophobic as fuck, the family is homophobic as fuck. “My wife and I have had an awful time. I’ve been asked to either not invite her or to minimize our relationship, especially in things like photographs.”

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

Go ahead.

KYLE GETZ  

There’s- What she’s describing, I think that’s so common for people, like, queer people. It may not be that your family says [doing an old crusty voice] “You’re a faggot,” and they kick you in the butt and say “Never come home!” Like, they do these things like not invite your significant other where everyone else is, and you’re like “Wait, was that-” And these- Like, one time you’re like “Okay, was that-” Or, like, “Stand this place in the photographs,” or “Don’t talk about this thing,” and you’re like “Oh, wait, is that how they would treat any relat-” It’s just, like, what she’s describing, she adds it up to make it clear that they’re homophobic, but I could- I’m just picturing this common queer experience where you do like one thing and you’re like “I don’t know,” and, like, and then eventually you’re like “Oh, fuck, like, this is completely homophobic.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Sort of the death by 1000 paper cuts thing, right?

KYLE GETZ

Exactly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, nothing stands out a, like, smoking gun or whatever, but-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. If they did one of those, and nothing else, that might have just been a bad incident, but not- Yeah, it was just- That just struck me as like- And that’s how so many queer people have to deal with their families, and it’s not as kind of black and white as you may think until you tie all the examples together.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely, and I think- This is the sort of problematic space too, I think, of, like, spirit of the law versus letter of the law or whatever. It’s a family brand. It’s a family business, but is now owned by a megacorporation, Diageo. So, how did they deal with this situation when it came to light?

KYLE GETZ

Mmm. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It was to just shit on her and say that she was wrong. [Kyle gasps] A Diageo spokesperson says that her Facebook posts are, quote, “inaccurate and come after she failed to agree to new contract terms.” They’re saying she wasn’t fired, she wasn’t pushed out: she wouldn’t sign the contract. Quote, “It is unfortunate that we were not able to come to terms on the multi-year contract that we recently offered to Hollis. However, to insinuate that the failure to do so was due to bias of any kind is simply unfair and inaccurate. We are very proud of our long track record of work, through many of our brands, to support the LGBT community. We are appreciative of Hollis’s past efforts on behalf of the brand and the industry.” But that’s also, like, kind of not the point, right? Like-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. That’s so shitty. I don’t- Like, “inaccurate”? So they’re saying she’s lying. Like, that’s basically what they said, and who do I believe, the person who has to risk everything and her entire relationship with her business, her past, her family? To risk all of- Like, people don’t step forward lightly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

I think that’s another thing. Like, everyone’s just like “Oh, you’re lying,” or “Oh, you want attention.” Like, do you- Can you imagine the years of turmoil this person has to go through and the ongoing shit that you would have to do to speak out against your family like this?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And then just be like “Oh, no, she’s lying.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Like, that sucks.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep, absolutely. Absolutely. So, I have not decided yet whether I’m going to turn the rock over and look under the rock to see what other brands Diageo owns, but her story-

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

I think Diageo is, like, guilty of a different crime. Her story that her family – the Bulleit family, the family whose name is on this alcohol that I’m drinking – is so fucking terrible to her and her wife… I’m done with Bulleit. So I’ll finish this bottle and never again.

KYLE GETZ  

Is that like- Do you have other options that you like just as much? Is that kind of like a “Ugh, like, I’ll have to- I guess I’ll have to order other things now and that sucks”? Like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, I mean, I’m not really a big, like, Kentucky Bourbon fan to begin with, so, like, I just- I won’t be getting it for my parties, and I, like- That’s not a huge loss, so I- Thanks, Kyle, my sacrifice means nothing because I didn’t actually care. It’s like- It’s like, I dunno, giving up sardines for Lent. [both chuckle] Like, you didn’t- You’re not doing Jesus very many favors there, because you didn’t like them anyway.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, I’m gonna give up sex with women for Lent.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

No, no, no, I didn’t mean that. I was just curious, like, you know, what- I don’t know. I don’t know why I set up just to be weirdly rude. [chuckles] I did not mean that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Do you know why I whiskey on the list?

KYLE GETZ

Why?

MIKE JOHNSON

St. Patrick’s Day. Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! That’s this week.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, fuck! Oh. Oh! Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. ‘Cause- Yeah. Irish are all alcoholics. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

And you have time to not buy Bulleit if you go out and get your St. Patrick’s Day bevs.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Absolutely. I’m gonna drink Jameson instead. It’s gonna be great.

KYLE GETZ

Nice!

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, so, I did want to say, some options: there is an article on whiskeyraiders.com, which I think is, just, that’s not a website that I want to belong to but it exists. But, in 2022, they wrote an article that’s a list of five LGBTQ+-owned whiskey brands to support after pride, which I thought was an interesting thing. The article came out in July. Pride Month is June.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So they’re like “If you want to keep supporting queer people, not just during the rainbowwashed Pride Month of June, here are five options for you.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, one is Kings County Distillery. They’re in New York. They make corn and barley whiskies. There’s one called Still Austin which is in Austin, Texas. Chris Seals, apparently, is the co-founder and CEO of that. They have- There’s Republic Restoratives Distillery and they are based in- I don’t know where they’re based, but it’s owned and operated by women and lesbians, Boston Harbor Distillery… Milam & Greene is the last one, but there are lots of options and we can post the list somewhere, I guess… or not. I don’t know. Probably won’t, but-

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Let’s be honest.

MIKE JOHNSON

But in a very masculine, very straight-focused industry, like, at least in terms of image as the whiskey industry, there are at least five LGBTQ+-owned whiskey brands that you can, you know, buy local. Buy family or whate-

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You have options. Well, yeah- I mean, part of that, in the end, is like, yeah, like- I mean how much will that affect you to- instead of buying Bulleit, buy something else? Like, there’s plenty of options out there. Surely you can give this up.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You can give this up, and don’t call me Shirley. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Did we do it?

KYLE GETZ  

Uh, I- Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

I’m gonna- On the Patreon segment, I have a theory that whiskey is BDSM.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

But I-

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna prove it.

KYLE GETZ

Okay- Because I’m- you’re gonna torture my mouth?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You’re gonna dom whiskey me?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Um, I will talk a little bit more about it on the Patreon segment.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Um, I- Did we do it? I don’t know. It’s weird, because this is one where I told you numbers that said the opposite.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

And, in my mind, it’s still a masculine dude thing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t, like-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m with you. I’m with you. I like that, though.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, why?

MIKE JOHNSON

Because I think that life is messy and, on the show, I think that we tend to focus on gay stereotypes and whether they’re true or not, and whether they apply or not, but, like, to also look at a straight stereotype that turns out is the opposite, potentially?

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I think that’s super interesting, but still very much like what we want to talk about work on, but, like, it’s a different outcome than we’re used to and I love that.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, that’s true. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And I think it says something that, like, stereotype- This is one- So, the stereotype is not based in truth, and-

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a type of stereo. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

It’s a type of stereo: stereo-type. Um, [chuckles] I just saw Derek shake his head. [Mike laughs] Um, I think that yeah, the stereotypes are based on this image that we’ve cultivated, and that image is sometimes creat- There’s- Sometimes there’s a, like, there’s a baseline of truth that then it grows from, and this might not- And maybe that’s what happened but it’s evolved over the years or- I don’t know. You know, it’s- It’d be interesting, like, maybe we can do this again and look more at why that has evolved over time or where this started, but yeah, it’s just… yeah. It bugs me. It bugs me that, like, my- And maybe this is also part of it, is like, it takes time to change your mental- If you have this mental idea of “It’s a straight thing,” just looking at these numbers once doesn’t turn my brain around all immediately and all of a sudden.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And I think that’s- That’s okay. This one is a little bit more lighthearted, it’s fine if I- I don’t know. It’s not a huge impactful thing that I think straight dudes do this; that doesn’t make too big of a difference. It’s like not this big heavy thing. But I think, for bigger heavier things, that’s important to know and be okay with: that it takes time to change. Like, starting with data is a great place to start if that’s how you roll, and it will then continue to take time to have that sink in and really feel it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Maybe that’s the frustration that I’m feeling, is that the realization is the hardest part, but then there’s this discomfort after the realization but before you’ve really changed your mental, like, map of this thing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And that’s the space I’m in right now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

How much do you think that this is just, like, marketing? Right? Like, Subaru became the lesbian car – we learned this in season one – because they went after and marketed to lesbians, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but that one was also based in truth. There were- Lesbians tended to – and I think that’s different than this – like, they tended to- Well, maybe not. I don’t know. They did buy it more often. Subaru’s like “Cool, let’s actually focus on the LGBT community, and lesbian specifically,” and they did it, I think, right, when they did it. I wonder, maybe this did start a- I love how sort of this thing, like the names of it, really sound like they’re marketed towards dudes. Like, the names of things being either dude names or- I mean, Bulleit, you taught me, was a name, but like “Fireball,” like, these are names that are trying to be like “Hey bros, buy me.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

“I’m cool. I’m straight.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, and the marketing for all of these things is like a lot of earth tones, a lot of, like, brown filters on the photographs, like caramel coloring and a lot of, like- I feel like it doesn’t really focus on the people, but when there are people it’s usually like a rugged-looking handsome dude in like a suit.

KYLE GETZ

Yes. Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, you know.

KYLE GETZ  

Absolutely. At a, like, upscale bar ordering like his, you know, whiskey drink.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. And maybe hitting on a beautiful woman who’s, like, into him because he’s drinkin’ that whiskey.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, yeah, I think marketing has a lot to do with it and I don’t expect them to change until they have to or need to, right?

KYLE GETZ

Right. Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, they’re gonna keep- They’re gonna keep- It’s working, they’re making their money, so they’re gonna keep doing it, right?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. This is a weird one but I’m glad we talked about it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I wouldn’t- I appreciate the Gap Bridgers, ‘cause I don’t think I would have picked this one myself. So, thanks for voting, y’all.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You can also thank me.

KYLE GETZ  

Eh, I could. [Mike laughs] That’s true, I could.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. It means we’re gonna have to drink some whiskey, Kyle. Do you want to- Do you want to take a break?

KYLE GETZ  

[sighs] Let’s talk for another 30 minutes about other th- [Mike laughs] Yeah, let’s take a break.

MIKE JOHNSON

Alright, let’s take a break.

KYLE GETZ

Break!

[Break music starts]

MIKE JOHNSON  

[slurps]

[Break music stops abruptly]

MIKE JOHNSON

…That’s me sucking whisky.

KYLE GETZ

Ew, I know! I hated it!

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Does that mean we’re- Are we ready?

KYLE GETZ

I’m ready.

MIKE JOHNSON

Are we back?

KYLE GETZ  

Are… are we back? [Mike laughs] Are we? We our Patreon segment and-

MIKE JOHNSON

We drank!

KYLE GETZ

Goodbye, everybody. [Mike laughs] Um, we’re back! We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first…!

KYLE GETZ

But first…!

MIKE JOHNSON

Our-

KYLE GETZ

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, but first but first…

KYLE GETZ

But first but first…

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ  

I want to thank a couple people that are just, like, very active with Gayish. I want to thank Justin Eddins, who always replies to our posts on – and promotes on – Twitter, on Instagram. Thank you, Justin. And, on Spaces, JaeFox, who is always like very active there. Thank you to the, like, people that are just like big fans and reply and talk to us. We appreciate you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Jamie Foxx listens?

KYLE GETZ

Uh, yes. [Mike laughs] But imagine without the “mie”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Take the “mie” out to “Jamie Foxx” and you’ve got JaeFox. Um, also, something that I keep forgetting to mention is we have been doing transcripts for our recent episodes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And that is thanks to- That’s part of what we’ve been using Patreon funds for. That’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Thanks, Patreon, it’s expensive.

KYLE GETZ

Yes. It costs money. AI does a bad job or not good enough to make it readable, which, part of the survey results showed that a decent number of you wanted transcripts and we have the funds through Patreon, thanks to Patreon, to be able to do that. I think it’s both- You know, it’s helpful to us just from like, you know, search and Google perspective, and also we want- we think that our podcast should be accessible to those- anyone for which reading the text would be helpful.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

So, thank you to Patreon. I want them to know that their money is going to things that help both us and everyone have more access to the podcast.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

KYLE GETZ

And now… but first…

MIKE JOHNSON

Our website is gayishpodcast.com.

KYLE GETZ

We are on Instagram, Spaces, we have a discord. You can go to gayishpodcast.com/contact to find all the places.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.

KYLE GETZ

Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.

MIKE JOHNSON

Our physical mailing addresses post office box 19882 Seattle, Washington 9109.

KYLE GETZ  

I just had the thought of, like, “Kyle, get your shit together!” [Mike laughs] Okay, do you want to do our Gayest & Straightest?

MIKE JOHNSON  

No! [singing] Local Gay Bar Review!

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Ooo!

MIKE JOHNSON

I like surprising you with those.

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] I always- How do I not- I always forget.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] This time I’m talking about Hi Tops in San Francisco, California.

KYLE GETZ  

I love high tops. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’ve gotta say: my visit there, I was neither high nor did I see any tops. There was a bunch of twinks in jockstraps. Um, but-

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] You saw low bottoms.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Lo Bottoms is a better name for this bar. Uh, no- I’ve been there several times now. It’s like- That was like my third or fourth visit the most recent time, and I was there with um-

KYLE GETZ

Where is it, did you say?

MIKE JOHNSON

San Francisco.

KYLE GETZ

San Francisco! Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

In the Castro. And, uh, it was- Okay, one thing I love about Hi Tops – at least, the last time I was there – there were go-go dancers there, like, up on the bar, that were different body types than just the white, jacked, uh… gay. And-

KYLE GETZ  

I love- When you walk in and there’s a, like, a go-go dancer that’s not what you’d expect, I love that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It makes me feel so good to see that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Absolutely. It was very busy, hard to get a drink. That has been my experience there multiple times. But, uh, I understand the food is good, though I’ve not tried it. I had a good time that night. 3 dildos.

KYLE GETZ  

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

For your good time? That’s an average time.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Alright! Fuck you, Hi Tops. [Mike laughs] Umm, Gayest & Straightest!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Let’s do our Gayest & Straightest.

KYLE GETZ  

I’ll go first.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, do it.

KYLE GETZ

My straightest is the, like, bar and/or coffee shop that we went to. I had never seen it before.

MIKE JOHNSON

Me neither.

KYLE GETZ

I had walked past it so many times, and like, once I got in, it was like… it’s both in the gayborhood that I live in, but still, like, has that straight vibe of like skateboarding videos on TV and you can order your – you know – your beer, your coffee, or whatever. It’s like- had an industrial, cold feeling.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I kind of wondered what they were up to though because, like, skateboarding videos: that’s a vibe. I did not see like a straight-only crowd. Like, there were a lot of queer people there.

KYLE GETZ  

Right. I think it was in line with the percentage of queer people that just exist in that- [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

In the neighborhood? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. I think that that wasn’t- No, yeah yeah. My gayest is: at that bar there were skateboarding videos and I got- I don’t know if- You probably noticed, when we were talking, at one point I got very distracted because one of the skateboarders lifted up a shirt to wipe his face.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And that always- You know, that’s classic. Gay distracted me because I can see your abs now.

MIKE JOHNSON

You were dickstracted.

KYLE GETZ  

Dick distracted, obvi. [Mike laughs] What about you?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, let’s see… So, the straightest thing about me this week was, last weekend, Marty and Matthew were here.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Again, great episode.

KYLE GETZ

Hi. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Thanks for being here. But uh, we all hopped in the Jeep for- I forget what time. It doesn’t matter what time. Uh, and Murph said “Your Jeep smells like your dog you don’t have,” [both laugh] which is- which is accurate. There’s still- There’s still Boomer hair everywhere in the jeep, I just haven’t cleaned it out.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Haven’t, like- It’s just too much work.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. I hear you.

MIKE JOHNSON

And it’s the only part of him I have left.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, boy.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Uh, the gayest thing about me this week is, uh, Spotify. I said to you, recently, I want more queer, like, what-are-the-gays-listening-to-these-days influences.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And you put a Janelle Monae- You put a couple of things on my Spotify, which is amazing, but this last week, I think, just on repeat one after the other and then back, I’ve been listening to Unholy by Sam Smith [Kyle chuckles] and Kim Petras, and Flowers by Miley Cyrus.

KYLE GETZ

Yes!

MIKE JOHNSON

I’ve just been like- That’s all I’ve heard, like, for- nonstop the last week.

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. The new album by Miley Cyrus out now, no one has paid us to say that, it’s just what you need to know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Um, I have a listeners Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do it!

KYLE GETZ

This is from Spaces, so in-

MIKE JOHNSON

Hi, Spaces.

KYLE GETZ

Hi. In Spaces, there are- they updated the app so now there are multiple, like, kind of different sections you can go to, and Derek has created a Gayest & Straightest section so post your Gayest & Straightest there. This great one, from Greg, is “Gayest: walking down Hollywood Boulevard…” We’re already in, you know?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But, he continues “wearing my pride hat while holding hands with my boyfriend to get froyo together.” [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Aww.

KYLE GETZ

You did 10 stereotypes in a row. Uh, “Straightest: waking up at 3:30am to put on my clothes and steel toe boots to get to my job stocking produce at the Costco Wholesale warehouse.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, Costco is straight?

KYLE GETZ

And the warehouse too?

MIKE JOHNSON

But, like, so many gays shop there but like the building itself it’s the straightest thing ever. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. That was, like, all of the gay and all of the straight stereotypes in one, so I love that. Thank you. So go post- Go download the Spaces app, join our group, and post your Gayest & Straightest there.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Before we close the show, we would love to see you in Boise, please, at the Treefort Music Festival that is on Friday, March the 24th at 6pm mountain time. You do not need a festival pass to see us. It is free, open to the public. Do it.

KYLE GETZ  

Please cum, spell “semen”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, thank you also to our Super Gap Bridgers, these are our Patreon members at the highest level. Thank you to Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah!

KYLE GETZ

Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Whiskey.

KYLE GETZ

Whiskey!

MIKE JOHNSON  

[laughs] That’s it. This has been Gayish. From the Chris Khachatourians studios, I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Be you.

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

MIKE JOHNSON

Especially since I’m pretty sure some of them are gonna be like torture for you, so it’s not not BDSM. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

[laughs] And like, I’m also-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m gonna dom daddy your whiskey mouth. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

[chuckles] That was a phrase. Um, and-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Put this in your hole, bitch! [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

I was gonna say, we need to make sure that the audio people get some something good still-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

-but then you just said all those things you said, so we’ll be fine either way. [Mike laughs] But yeah.

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]

Gayish: 323 MBMBaM

In this episode of My (Gayish) Brother, My Brother and Me, Mike’s straight brothers Marty and Murph join us to answer listener and Quora questions. (If you have no idea what’s going on, don’t worry. We’ll be back with a regular episode next week.)

Suggested talking points: Selena Gomez, sweater ass, gay bear bars, Goofy’s species, Imagine Dragon, slut jorts