Who was the first to bottom? Was Oscar Wilde a bottom? Should you teach your kids to bottom? Is anal vaping a thing? We get to the bottom of all of it.
In this episode: News- 1:39 || Main Topic (Bottoms)- 12:59 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:24:37
Coming soon on the Patreon segment, Fucking Dan shares his tips for cleaning out, and Mike and Kyle… react. patreon.com/gayishpodcast
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]
When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, thatâs Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you canât stand going shopping, thatâs Gayish. Oh, Gayish. Youâre probably Gayish. Oh lifeâs just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, itâs Gayish. Weâre all so Gayish. Itâs Gayish with Mike and Kyle.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hello everyone in the podcast universe, this is Gayish.
KYLE GETZ
The podcast that wants you to straighten up your room, not your kids.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. And then, really, I don’t know that I want you to straighten up your room either-
KYLE GETZ
I donât care that much that- [laughing]
MIKE JOHNSON
-keep it as gay as possible.
KYLE GETZ
-I don’t care that much about that part, it just worked with my sentence, so. [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] Iâm Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz.
MIKE JOHNSON
And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And today-
KYLE GETZ
Today.
MIKE JOHNSON
-we’re gonna get to the bottom of this.
KYLE GETZ
Weâre gonnaâŠ
[both laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Hey Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Hey Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
How was Rwanda? You were taking care of all of those orphans last week. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Um, yes, I⊠did it.
MIKE JOHNSON
You did it?
KYLE GETZ
Yes, I achieved⊠it. [laughter] Um.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. You’re back, welcome back.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Glad youâre here.
KYLE GETZ
Glad I’m here. Uh, and hey Mike!
MIKE JOHNSON
Hey, hey Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Happy Pride.
MIKE JOHNSON
Happy Pride.
KYLE GETZ
Itâs Pride month.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, fuck my ass, itâs Pride! I forgot!
KYLE GETZ
Mhm, mhm. Because weâre not in Pride month, but we willâve had been in Pride month once we-
MIKE JOHNSON
We will have had been, [laughing] yes.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, yeah itâs Pride month, happy Pride everybody!
MIKE JOHNSON
Happy Pride. Speaking of bottomsâŠ
KYLE GETZ
[laughing] What me? What about me?
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] I donât know, itâs Pride month, like. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, okay. Yeah, sure, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, but first-
KYLE GETZ
But first.
MIKE JOHNSON
-here’s some news.
KYLE GETZ
Here’s some news. I’m ready.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thatâs the pause for the theme music Kyle. [laughing]
KYLE GETZ
I forgot about that!
MIKE JOHNSON
[continues laughing] Itâs only been one week!
[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
Shut your mouth hole itâs time for your ear holes, news, news, news.
MIKE JOHNSON
News the first! So, in the state of Pennsylvania, their legislature is considering revising their obscenity laws. And, they wanted to- The, the House Democrats wanted to include in that bill removing the word homosexuality as an obscenity-
KYLE GETZ
Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
-and every single House Republican voted against that.
KYLE GETZ
That’s crazy, that thatâs still an obscenity.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] Yeah, yeah. In the state of Pennsylvania apparently⊠apparently, can’t- Can’t, uh, yeah. Itâs-
KYLE GETZ
Like, the same as yelling âfuckâ around kids would be yelling âhomosexualâ around kids?
MIKE JOHNSON
Apparently so.
KYLE GETZ
Well maybe- I mean, maybe don’t do either, but. [laughter] It sounds weird just to do randomly, but sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, to be fair, I don’t like the word âhomosexuality.â I prefer buttfucking, but, like, I- I also understand that⊠you know.
KYLE GETZ
I⊠just recently have really enjoyed the word âhomosexual.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Really? [slight laughter]
KYLE GETZ
I’ve just really gotten into it, like âfellow h-â [cut off]
MIKE JOHNSON
Itâs so clinical. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
I know, it’s not f- It’s, it’s one of those things where like, because people don’t use it anymore, when you use it it stands out, and, like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh yeahâŠ
KYLE GETZ
You know, it’s like, and if a- Like a- If an old white dude used it then it’s definitely there, like, used to like, the words âhomosexualâ and âdope,â and, like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-I don’t know, other shitty words. But when like a cool hip gay uses it, like, you know, it’s just fun andâŠ
MIKE JOHNSON
Although like, we just talked about it on Have A Nice Gay about umm, how a word for queer used to be âbent,â as in âthe opposite of straight.â You want us to try to bring that back?
KYLE GETZ
Mhm, mhm. I- Yeah, I like that, but I will immediately forget that I want to bring it back, so I don’t know that that’s gonna happen, but, âhomosexual.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright. [sigh] Yeah, anyway, fuck you House Republicans of the state of Pennsylvania. I hope, I hope⊠I hope Brian Sims turns you to the dark side. Okay, uhh, news the next?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. So⊠in⊠God, what state is this? Virginia, okay. In the state of Virginia, in Loudoun County, a Leesburg elementary school teacher has been placed on leave, after telling his bosses, the school board, he will not refer to trans students by their chosen names or pronouns. Uh, he’s a PE teacher, Byron Tanner Cross, and he is on paid administrative leave as of Thursday.
KYLE GETZ
Do think thatâs the same Tanner from Sean Cody?
MIKE JOHNSON
Probably.
KYLE GETZ
Ah, he’d be a good PE teacher.
MIKE JOHNSON
It, it- it would explain-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, he’s better than the- Oh, shit. I shouldn’t be attracted to- Well, I am attracted to him so I canât hold that, but heâs-
MIKE JOHNSON
Just don’t be attracted to his transphobia.
KYLE GETZ
No, just as body and arms.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, uh, he is a PE teacher, right? Itâs like-
KYLE GETZ
But not every- Iâve had some PE teachers that were like, âyou haven’t PEâd in quite a while.â [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] Great. Um, yeah, I mean, during the public comment portion of the board meeting on Tuesday, he said that he quote âwill not affirm that a biological boy can be a girl and vice versa.â That line, almost verbatim, you hear so many fucking fuckface asshole dickbags use and I don’t understand. I- Like, like they think if they use the word âbiologicalâ that that somehow makes it smart. Or some- Like-
KYLE GETZ
[laughing] Yeah, or that were confused about like- âOh, shit, they’re biological?â But you know, like, it’s, it’s, like, you’re just factually wrong. I get that you can’t understand that, but every major medical organization just disagrees. So you’re, like, you’re just factually wrong. So I donât- You know, what more can you do?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. And it’s not just as simple as your genes. Gene expression is different. There are more than just XX and XY out there in terms of combinations. And even if you are just XX or XY, that does not mean vagina or penis, that’s about gene expression, itâs just not that fucking simple. Shut up you fuckface.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Okay, great. Um, I’m interested that it’s the state of Virginia, which I think is now in this part of the country that is no longer just totally owned by conservative Republicans, even though like, my mental map of them has that- Like, my mental map says âVirginia. Oh, that’s the South. They’re fucked there.â But, it- it turns out that like, there’s a lot of actual, like, liberal progressive things that are happening in that state. Um, it’s like the same surprise that Georgiaâs blue now, you know, it, like-
KYLE GETZ
Mmm, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But- but yeah, anyway, um⊠yeah. Anyway, he’s on leave, which is like-
KYLE GETZ
I mean, that’s good, it sounds like the right thing happened. Like, oh, you’re gonna be shitty to people? Like, you, okay, you can’t⊠do that. [small chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep, absolutely. News the next?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, so⊠hey Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Hey Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
Did you know George Michaelâs dead?
KYLE GETZ
Probably. There’s like this whole category of people that I’m like, I’m sure I learned they died at some point, but it just didn’t stick, and I’m not too sure, likeâŠ
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m exactly the same way. I kind of thought, like, maybe he was dead, but it was a dream or something? Um, anyway he died five years ago.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, no, let’s all mourn him. [slight laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] Exactly, exactly. But um, apparently for the last five years there has been a fight over his estate and his longtime former partner Kenny Goss has been battling with George Michael’s family and the- the estate. And uh, just this last week, ohp sorry, a couple weeks ago, uh, he is indeed going to be getting a share of that 97 million pound estate.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, but poundâs so- There’s no way to know how much real money that is.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right, yeah. How much is that in pesos? I- [mutual laughter] Um, yeah, he- he had initially asked for payments of 15,000 pounds per month after the star died. And, but unf-
KYLE GETZ
I mean if we’re all making requests, [under his breath] can I have 15,000 pounds a month?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, exactly, please. Patreon: get on it. [Kyle chuckles] But uh, nothing was left to him in his will, so there had to be this proof of, like, was- was there actually a relationship and what was the nature of it? And what of the finances of the estate is he entitled to? They were never married, he wasn’t in the will, what do you do with that? Anyway.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. All a case study for why it’s so important for marriage to be a legal option.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Anyway, George Michaelâs⊠widower? I don’t know, I don’t know what to call him, uh is getting some of that sweet, sweet money. Wake me up before you die-die. [Kyle laughs] Okay, uh, last but not least-
KYLE GETZ
Write me up before you die-die, in your will, please?
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] Um⊠last but not least-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
-this was sent in from a listener via you, and-
KYLE GETZ
[laughing] It- it was from Patreon, to you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Uh, the Miss South Africa pageant is now open to trans contestants. So, uh, for the very first time, quote, âTrans women are eligible to enter the Miss South Africa pageant,â the organization said on its website, as entries for the competition opened up this last Monday, quote, âHowever, in order to be eligible to compete internationally, the contestant must be in possession of a valid South African ID document reflecting that their amended sex is female.â
KYLE GETZ
Ohh, mm.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, they have to be post transition, not- just- um⊠legally. I don’t know if it matters medically, although I kind of-
KYLE GETZ
Well, this is, like, part of the frustrating thing of like to change your IDs, what proof to each- You know, in the US each state is different, some would never do it, and each- so each country is going to be different about what they require to prove to do it. And, yeah, some it’s like, it’s still kind of antiquated of like, verification of medical procedure likeâŠ
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. And I don’t know how easy or hard that is in South Africa, although they tend to be fairly progressive when it comes to issues of gender and sexuality, right? Like, they’re the ones that told churches âNo, fuck you. You can’t.â Like there’s- The freedom of religion does not extend to being a bigot in South Africa. They’ve had legalized gay marriage for a very long time. Like, so, maybe it’s- maybe it’s easy.
KYLE GETZ
Oh⊠yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I dunno.
KYLE GETZ
I [slight chuckle] saw something recently on Twitter where someone was like, in order to change your ID on- and I don’t remember any of the details but like, in order to change your ID you had to have a proof of surgery. And she was like, âand I had gotten, like, a surgery on my foot for bunions,â or whatever the fu- âI had gotten some surgery, so I was a trans person that had sur- that had a surgery and I used that to get a change in IDâ [laughing]
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm. Great, great.
KYLE GETZ
[laughing] And thatâs so funny.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
I have had surgery.
MIKE JOHNSON
I had a gender confirmation bunion removed [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
I- [laughing] âMy kidney was the only male part of me left, and, you know.â [Mike laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Also, did you see that Elliot Page is jacked?
KYLE GETZ
Oh my god, yes! [Mike laughs] I didn’t know how into Elliot Page I was until I saw that photo was like⊠damn, abs⊠[Mike laughs] I had no idea.
MIKE JOHNSON
Welcome- welcome to the pool, Elliot. [mutual laughter] That’s the news!
KYLE GETZ
Speaking of wel- welcoming people to the pool; welcome these people to the pool of patron members that support us and we appreciate you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Velkommen.
KYLE GETZ
âŠCool.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm⊠[cackling]
KYLE GETZ
Th- I don’t know. Never a bad time to be douchey! Uh, Wyatt Baker? Uh-
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughing]
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughing] Cusâ- âWhy-at-Baker?â Because I was at the butcher yesterday? Never mind, itâs f- [laughter] I am in a mood Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Mm, alright. S-sorry Wyatt I don’t know what happened there, I canât explain it to you either. Uh, Jeff Bauwen Bowen Buh⊠buwnâŠ
MIKE JOHNSON
From â24â?
KYLE GETZ
Itâs not- Jack Bauer! [mutual laughing] Thatâs⊠close enough at least that I got it!
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
You said you’d get angry if it- your- your mom writed that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh yeah. Big time. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
But Iâm you âcause I successfully interpreted what you were gonna say.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughing] You really shouldn’t enable this.
KYLE GETZ
I donât know the- uh, âAce Schwartzâ? Wait, thereâs no âTâ there. âSchwarz.â [Mike laughs] Did he mistype it? Did I mistype it? Did they mistype it?
MIKE JOHNSON
[pronounced in a German manner] âSchwarzâ is⊠yeah, thereâs no-
KYLE GETZ
An Ace, are you ace? Or, is that your name? So many questions!
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
Don’t answer we don’t care. Um- I care about you, probably. [Mike chuckles] Um, and Stewart Gay I mean Gray.
MIKE JOHNSON
Ohh, oh.
KYLE GETZ
That’s what he wrote. So, if you want to sign up for Patreon you get bonus segments, episodes. Uh, you get to join our quarterly video call, you get ad free episodes a day early. You get a lot of cool stuff that is-
MIKE JOHNSON
If enough of you sign up, Fucking Dan gets a raise! [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Oh, that’s true! That’s- And that’s not even a joke, that’s legit in his contract. Is it a contract? Is it a thing we-
MIKE JOHNSON
It is now.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, weâre an at-will state, we can’t make a contract, but, whatever.
KYLE GETZ
Oh⊠sounds so offish. [official] Anyway, patreon.com/gayishpodcast.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Welcome to the tent, kids.
[pause in audio]
MIKE JOHNSON
You wanna talk about bottoms?
KYLE GETZ
[singing] This boy is a bottom⊠[quietly] this is where the other things come inâŠ
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm. Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, yeah, we’re talking about bottoms.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re talking about bottoms. We did tops, we did verse-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, itâs-
MIKE JOHNSON
-finally, finally bottoms.
KYLE GETZ
As Fucking Dan- [laughing]
MIKE JOHNSON
Per ushe [usual] theyâre last. [laughing]
KYLE GETZ
Top privilege is getting your episode first. I don’t know that that’s a privilege now that I think about it. [laughter] Um, uh yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna talk about bottoms.
KYLE GETZ
Why do you sound⊠do you sound tentative? Or is that just me?
MIKE JOHNSON
I think- So, In researching bottoms, um, lots of-
KYLE GETZ
As I have been my whole life.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughing] Lots of deep introspective research into bottoms.
KYLE GETZ
[laughter] Deep insertive introspection.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah, uh, there are⊠there are lots of very funny but probably in poor tastes jokes that get made about bottoms-
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
MIKE JOHNSON
-and I- I want to- I want to make those jokes while acknowledging I shouldn’t. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yeah. That’s- I think thatâs squarely in line with-
MIKE JOHNSON
Gayish.
KYLE GETZ
Our- Yeah, our brand. âCause a lot of people make those jokes and then don’t sit and reflect and talk about it, but we will. So we’re slightly better than Sarah Silverman.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [quietly] Is that true?
KYLE GETZ
She- There- I- This is something that, like, I didn’t end up writing about. But like, it was- I think I’ve talked about this before. Comedians and people found out âbottomâ was a thing, and then they thought that like, they just use the word âbottomâ in their sentence. And they’re like, âI’m a comedian, I said âbottom!â Aren’t I hilarious? I know a gay thing.â And like, to straight people, they’re like âOh, that’s hilarious.â And gay people are like âYeah, we’ve been saying, like- This is not funny, because you just said bottom.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, âI bet Trump bottoms for-â Like, they can just put anything with the word bottom.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And there’s no depth, there’s no interesting, there’s no, like, whatever. They just learned a word and said it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. I think, similarly like, straight comedians could just throw the word âGrindrâ out there randomly, like, without context, and theyâll get a laugh.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, totally.
MIKE JOHNSON
[mockingly] âOh, gay people fuck! Eugh.â [mutual laughter] Um, okay!
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sooooo, I’m gonna talk to you about the history of anal receptive sex.
KYLE GETZ
It started when I was coming to age- [laughing]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
-and was learning my body. No one had ever bottomed until I bottomed for the first time.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, well, yeah. So, that’s not even true a little bit, but-
KYLE GETZ
Okay, no, nope, nope. You can go ahead and say real stuff.
MIKE JOHNSON
But I- I appreciate that. So, I mean obviously, like, animals fuck each other in the ass. It’s not like humans invented it or that, like, a rainbow emerged and they said âOoh, bottomsâ like, back in the day when recorded history started. It’s just-
KYLE GETZ
It didn’t- The rainbow doesn’t lead to leprechauns, it leads to a bottom with his ass in the air. [mutual laughter] Thatâs the pot of gold all along! The bottoms you find along the way.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, it doesn’t- It doesn’t lead you there, it tells you where- I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, animals fuck.
MIKE JOHNSON
Animals fuck. So-
KYLE GETZ
[whispering] Do bonobos fuck in the butt?
MIKE JOHNSON
[quietly] Oh, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
[whispering] They probably have to, right?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
They fuck everywhere else- Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely. Per ushe, [usual] it’s all- It comes down to the Greeks and Romans. And the ancient Greeks, they had lots of really interesting ideas about sex, but in particular, men having sex with other men. But it also wasn’t an identity. Like, this is- This is the problem that we run into a lot, of like, retro actively saying so-and-so from history was gay-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
-when, it- That wasn’t an identity, that wasn’t the label that you applied yourself. And neither was top, or verse, or bottom. Like, it just- It was- It wasn’t an identity to claim, it was a thing that you did. And, um, so, when we look at the ancient Greeks, they really thought that homosexual sex was innocuous or harmless, as long as everybody was fully consenting. And it also had more to do with power than anything else. So-
KYLE GETZ
[whispering] It still does.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
[whispering] For me! [chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON.
Maybe, maybe, maybe. Um, there was definitely this sort of understanding that the person higher up on the ladder in terms of society got to put their dick in the people that were underneath of them in society. And generally that meant women, because women have been subjugated to the patriarchy for millennia, but also it meant people below you in terms of age, occasionally stature, whether you were a slave or a free citizen. Um, but yeah, if you were a citizen, male, you basically could fuck whoever you wanted to, and it was fine, as long as that person was below you in status.
Dan âFucking Danâ Garlington
I want to encourage us to use the term âenslaved person,â not âa slave.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, okay. Ummm, yeah. They also had rules about incest, which, that’s nice to know.
KYLE GETZ
Wait, what- what kind of what kind of rules? Depends on what the rule is.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, so, the ancient Greeks did not view gender as a determining factor of who should love, or be married to who even. The qualifications related solely to matters of age, and biological relationship. So no incest.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
But, it’s also worth talking about other ancient civilizations than just the Greeks. There’s this whole thing in African countries that are currently going through this, just, wave of mostly Catholic-driven bans against homosexuality, against uh, same sex marriage. And they like to use the- Is it nationalistic if it’s a continent? They like to say it’s un-African, that homosexuality is un-African. And that’s sort of this, just, tautology that gets thrown out there. And, uh, but it turns out that that’s absolutely ahistorical, there’s a long history of- First of all, Africa isn’t just one place. Thereâre thousands of different ethnic groups, all with their own identities and histories and whatnot, and a lot of them had acceptance of butt sex in their histories. Same with Native Americans, you know, we talk about the term âtwo-spirit,â and that isn’t a universal thing either. We say âNative Americans,â but that’s, you know, hundreds of tribes all with their own identity, all with their own histories, but there was- there was, among a lot of them, these concepts of being between gender, and sex not just being about one man and one woman, procreatively.
KYLE GETZ
But why- whatâs- How is that related to bottoms?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, so, what is problematic is, as far as I can tell in most of these ancient cultures, there very much was a hard line [giggle] being drawn between the bottom, and that being about femininity. Like, so much of the language and discourse. And I don’t know how much of that is just, like, modern sensibilities writing about the past, versus actually part of those cultures, but there’s definitely this idea that if you are feminine, if you’re the one taking a dick, you’re the girl.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And that’s very much ingrained in a lot of these ideas.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, except for- except for some exceptions that I’m gonna talk about a little bit later, that’s persisted to modern day.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And-
KYLE GETZ
I mean⊠[under his breath] cavemen had to do it in the butt, right?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, there’s no way that any kind of, you know, creatures, like, walking around didn’t say like, âThat’s a hole.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Right.
KYLE GETZ
[makes a blowing a raspberry sound]
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I would just have to assume that anal started from the early days.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, we have a prostate, Kyle. It’s a thing.
KYLE GETZ
We have a prostate. Feels good. Fuck it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Use it. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
[laughter] Use it or lose it? That’s not how that works.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um okay, then I want to talk about some of the stereotypes, because we talk about itâs- Or, people assume it’s the feminine thing, youâre a girl if youâre the bottom. Um, there are a lot of other assumptions that come along with being a bottom, and I- Itâs interesting, I started to look through articles that talked about- I just, you know, was looking for bottom stereotypes, and unfortunately, like, most of the results are like- I was like, âOh, woke culture, you’re not listing all the shitty stereotypes, y’all talk about how we should ditch the stereotypes, that’s- I want the list.â And so like, most of the articles were, like, âGet over it.â So, um, so I had to dig a little bit deeper to find like, actual stereotypes, or they’d, like, within the conversation they write about, you know, peopleâs shitty assumptions, so I grabbed those. So, effeminate, absolutely one. They use the word in this opening paragraph to describe, you know, people’s assumptions. They’re like, âSomeone is light in their loafersâ as being the bottom. Uh, smaller- smaller, physically smaller, so, shorter, or that can mean a lot of other things. People assume that bottom is always the shorter one. And a lot of these, like, you can just draw back to, you know, effeminate or femininity, like, assuming that’s- So these are all very connected. But um, that either theyâre the weaker one, that the bottom is unnatural, um, which, I can understand where that comes from, because people just assume that like, âWait, but you have a penis, don’t you want to stick in stuff?â
MIKE JOHNSON
Right.
KYLE GETZ
There’s an assumption that they’re, um- Well, and maybe like, they’re more likely to get AIDS, like AIDS is associated with bottoms and like⊠receptive anal sex is more dangerous than insertive, so, you know, there’s something there but it’s, you know, you don’t want to draw too big of lines from like, all- Not all bottoms.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. #NoTallBottoms. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Hashtag- [laughter] Oh God, that’d be my worst nightmare. [Mike laughs] Uh, that they’re needy. That theyâre- That feels more like a modern day one, that they’re needy, um, the uh, the emoji with the big eyes is like a very recent stereotype. Do you know which one I’m talking about? That everyone’s like âThis emoji means youâre a bottom.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Because that’s the face you make when it’s being put in you?
KYLE GETZ
No, I think it’s more about the- I mean, maybe too, but like, it’s the needy face. It’s the, like, you know, you’re like âTops can’t-â I think Joseph Peters-Mathews has made the joke on Twitter, like, âTops can’t read.â Like, I don’t know the assumption- âTops cannot respond to this tweet, because they can’t read.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
And âBottoms are gonna have long responses and have, you know, big, like-â
MIKE JOHNSON
âFeelings.â [laughing]
KYLE GETZ
â-big feelings and open, you know, wet eyes, and-â Um, so other- Uh, theyâre âpassive.â There’s an interesting connection to some things like⊠Asian- Like, Asian people- And we even talked about this a little bit more in the episode about gaydar, but, Asian people are assumed to be feminine, therefore gay Asian men will be more likely to be assumed to be bottom because of that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So- And I’m sure there are other, like, cultural or, you know, like, ethnic assumptions, but that was the one that stood out to me and I’ve, you know, can understand, and have heard of, in modern day.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, there’s a weird connection there about body hair that like, Asian men tend to have less body hair, but that’s associated with masculinity, so then they get painted as feminine because of that, and like- But, anyway, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Um, something I want to talk about when we talk about stereotypes is- And particularly the eye emoji one that I think is just so re- It’s in the past year or so that I’ve even seen people talk about and joke about that, is- And you even mention, like, I want to make bottom jokes, but like- Is it- It’s still based on the same ideas that we’ve had of âMore feminine, women are more needy, more emotional.â Like, it’s based on the same things, it’s just a new way that we’ve expressed that, âcause, you know, âHey, we found emojis, now let’s say a new way to say the old thing.â Is it- is it harmful? Is it fun? Is it funny? Like, what⊠what do you think?
MIKE JOHNSON
What do I thinkâŠ? We’re talking about bottom-shaming, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, basically.
MIKE JOHNSON
At the end of the day. Um, I mean, I-
KYLE GETZ
And I think it’s easier to draw very explicit lines around there are certain things you say that are bottom-shamey, that, like, âOh, I would never bottom.â Like, you know, like there are shitty things you can say that are very easy. Joking about something like the eye emoji- Even I’m not, like, super- Like, I don’t know. Is that- Even if it’s funny, is it inherently bad to perpetuate this? And that’s where it gets a little bit trickier for me.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, me too. And I’m not sure. Like, what is the impact of that, right? If those jokes make a person feel shame for the things that they want to do sexually⊠that’s not good.
KYLE GETZ
But I- Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Go ahead.
KYLE GETZ
I also don’t think, like- It may not be a one-to-one line. Like, it’s just, you know, when- I see this on Twitter is the main place because- But like, you know, as people tweet about that, and people see it, you may not necessarily, like, directly associated it to like, âOh now I feel bad that I’m a bottom.â But you may see that, and now everyone continues to make those connections to âThey’re the ones that have the feelings, that are more emotional, thatâŠâ You know, all that stuff. And, that- So it may not- In my mind, it may not directly harm someone, although youâre right, it could, but it does put out into the universe this ongoing idea that needs to be squashed.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. And so much of it just feels like it’s about gender, unnecessarily, that it’s about feminization. So many of the jokes that are made, really, they are⊠more or less explicitly about gender, but the underpinnings of it is about gender and saying that being a bottom equals being feminine equals being less than.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON.
Um, I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I’m not sure. It’s one of those things where, like, I would do it too or make jokes about it too. So, you know, I don’t know. I just think it’s interesting to think and reflect on, like, if it’s good or bad.
MIKE JOHNSON
There was a Vice article called âA Brief History of Bottomingâ that I thought was- was really interesting, but um, they looked at Twitter for exactly this question.
KYLE GETZ
Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, âWhat are some of the stereotypes about bottom culture?â And they specifically said not âbottoming,â but âbottom culture.â
KYLE GETZ
Bottom cultureâŠ!
MIKE JOHNSON
âWhat is bottom culture?â
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I love it! [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
And some of their answers are: âWearing oversized sweatshirts that go past your hands,â [Kyle laughing] âListening to Lana Del Rey on vinyl while douching for a guy who doesn’t deserve you,â âYour phone always dying,â âBeing confused for a woman when on the phone,â âWanting someone to come and rescue you-â
KYLE GETZ
Oh, specifically cum.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] Um, let’s see⊠Sometimes bottom culture is just the hyperspecific situation of the person making the joke. Here’s a quote: âBottom culture is crying to Kim Petras because a man who has successfully rebranded themselves as a few notches more masculine than you, despite the fact they also got bullied in school for being gay, ignored the pathetic voice note you sent them eight hours earlier.â
KYLE GETZ
That’s that texting thing that like- that shows up all the time in jokes of, like, bottoms and these big long texts, and, you know, want responses right away, and like, the tops just say âK.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. [whispering] I kind of noticed that too, though. Like- [stops whispering] Um, sometimes bottom culture is jokes about spicy food, or the fact that people poop. [mutual chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
There’s- I mean, there’s some- Like, there’s a logic to, like, if you’re going to receive a penis, like, you gotta be aware of what’s inside you, so like, food is one of those- It, make sense, it’s not necessarily stereotype but part of bottom- [giggling] bottom culture.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That phrase, I canât stop giggling.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, [laughter] okay great.
KYLE GETZ
Just the idea that thatâs a thing.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, so, I thought this was- I’m just gonna read this paragraph because I think the idea is fascinating. âThis idea of âbottomâ as being a fully-fledged identity category is, for the most, part tongue in cheekâŠâ [mutual laughter] ââŠwhich is why itâs so fun swapping the word âwomenâ for âbottomâ in famous phrases. âWell-behaved bottoms rarely make history.â âOne is not born, but rather becomes, a bottom.â âIf you want something said, ask a top; if you want something done, ask a bottom.ââ But I think that there’s also there’s also a corollary to that, of like, if you’re telling a joke about bottoms, if you replace it with âwoman,â is that the crux of the joke? Is that the scaffolding that the joke is built on?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And most of them that I’ve tried that on? Yes.
KYLE GETZ
I was gonna say, that’s got to be like 90% of them, right?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
It’s interesting because I think, like, where people are getting to is, like, these- Yes, these are, like, theyâre labels that we apply, and identities, but that- It’s far too simplistic, like, you don’t need to label yourself as this exclusive thing. On the other hand, so like, I’m brushing over like an important part to, like, bottom-shaming, like, you can bottom sometimes and not all the time, or you don’t have to be- This doesn’t have to be your identity or, like, bottoming once, like, some people that are exclusive tops. Anyway, but I’m kind of on the next level where I’m like âBut also, if you want your identity to be a bottom, you fuckinâ go for it!â
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, it’s just like I’ve gotten to with âgay,â like, you know, don’t make it your whole identity, and sometimes like, you know what? That’s cool, if you don’t want gay to be your identity, I’m gonna make gay my identity, because that’s what I’ve decided to do. You have your identity as a, like, fuckinâ World of Warcraft player, that’s just as- That’s dumber than making- [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
Is that an identity?
KYLE GETZ
I mean, there are people- Like, âgamerâ is an important identity.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thatâs true. That’s true.
KYLE GETZ
And World of Warcraft. And like, they’re just things that people make their identity, and for some reason people take- Even gay people sometimes take pride in âgayâ not being one of them.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And I’m like-
MIKE JOHNSON
âNon-scene.â [slight laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. But I don’t- You know, and Iâm starting to become more aware of like, but I like the option to be able to make it my identity. Just like with bottom, I- To me, that’s kind of the next step is like, everyone pick what you want your identity, if bottom is part of it, awesome. If not, great, and we do need to deconstruct the idea that, like, that you have to fall into one of these very discrete categories.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. It’s funny, um- [quietly] Is there more to your segment? Am I-
KYLE GETZ
Nah I donât know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I feel like I totally, like- sort of took it over or whatever, but.
KYLE GETZ
No, no. Yeah, no. I have some- I have a couple more things. Our good buddy Rule, Dr. Rule-
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh yeah, Cocks Rule. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Co- Well, yes. This is the rule side, so, you’ll- You know, ignore the Cocks⊠said no bottom ever. Um, uh, he- We know his kind of view on faces, if not see the episode âGaydar.â But um, he- So he took faces of participants, removed glasses, any kind of adornments, and took, like, similar photos of all them. So they were all kind of the similar setup, and he said that participants could pick out tops- So each of the participants described themselves as âtopâ or âbottom,â and people were able to pick out tops 65% of the time.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
They were able to pick out bottoms correctly 39% of the time.
MIKE JOHNSON.
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
That averaged out to be about 50%, yâknow 50/50 of people getting right. But were more accurately able to pick out tops. So what he said is that participants have shown bi- âMay have shown bias towards heterosexually-inspired stereotypes about men.â Um, so he is saying that these results indicate that there’s some kind of biological indicator of masculinity, uh, not behavioral. Like hairiness, square jaw, like there are certain factors. Other people- Just to give a counterpoint; other people, like, there’s absolutely no physical, distinct physical quality. So we know that Rule is very much on the side of âThere are physical indicators, especially on the face.â So, I thought that was interesting.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Another study by not-Rule: In 2001, Andrew Reilly, Danielle Young, and Loriena Yancura said that gay men with a higher degree of internalized homophobia, who identify as bottoms, are more likely to get muscular so they would negate the idea of being a bottom. Itâs-
MIKE JOHNSON
Ooo, okay, okay.
KYLE GETZ
Right? That makes sense to me, like, oh if I’m a bottom, but like, I have to, like, do more to make up for that if I hate myself for being a bottom, and liking it, and getting muscular is one of th- I wish I hated myself more so that I could get muscular!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, I want to hate myself more so bad! [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Ugh, man it would be so great to hate myself- Nah I already hate myself enough. Um-
MIKE JOHNSON
Maybe you could do more. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
I donât- Yeah, I should be more muscular! Wait, this- I just disproved this study myself. I’m not muscular. Um. Yeah, so like, thereâre interesting ways that we deal with our feelings about being- About bottoming, about receiving a dick. And there’s, you know, still debate on whether there’s any biological factor involved in being a bottom.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there’s biology involved, but- [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Oh, God, there’s so much biology inside me. If- [laughing] If humans ever went extinct, I’ve plenty of DNA to give to scientists to refill the population.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, yep. I’m just saving it for later. This- [laughter] Um.
KYLE GETZ
This is mine now.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, despite talking about how, like, bottoms are effeminate, that’s not always been true throughout all of history, it’s just a theme that keeps popping up over and over again. And it’s- It’s really interesting that at least in England, at least in the UK, the feminine bottom stereotype didn’t really exist until Oscar Wilde’s celebrity pedophile case.
KYLE GETZ
They had a- What was their stereotype before that?
MIKE JOHNSON
Here’s the thing. Before Oscar Wilde was jailed, at least according to this Vice article, an effeminate man was someone who was basically âtoo straight.â [Kyle chuckles] So, the idea was, he’s a horned-up stud muffin who spends so much time chasing tail, he ends up adopting the mannerisms of the women that he hangs up with and lusts over. So, if you were effeminate, it’s because you’ve taken on the feminine qualities of all the chicks you bang.
Kyle
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s fucking interesting, right?
KYLE GETZ
Wow, you’re so masculine youâre feminine.
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] Yeah, exactly, exactly, exactly.
KYLE GETZ
Huh!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, so, it’s um- That’s- Yeah. Yeah, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. It makes sense in a weird, like, sort of perverse way. But then, Oscar Wilde-
KYLE GETZ
Well, I’ll say, like, it’s all- Stereotypes just come from a thing, and they, you know, often were like, oh yeah I can see where it came from. But they’re made-up things, so that’s why cultures can take those things different ways, so- That’s such a good sign to know a stereotype is wrong and stupid is when a different culture had a completely opposite one. It’s like, okay, like, you know, maybe this is not as based in truth as we might be assuming.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. Well, and um- So Oscar Wilde’s trial-
KYLE GETZ
That sucked.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. But like- Yeah, but it was in the newspapers as a big scandal, and it very much, like, raised to the public consciousness these ideas of what does it- What does it mean? And he-
KYLE GETZ
Was- was he a bottom?
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, so-
KYLE GETZ
[laughing] What does history say? No, you can keep saying your real stuff, not if heâs a bottom.
MIKE JOHNSON
No no no no. So, Oscar Wilde, his image, and the one that has persisted, is one of effeminacy, right? Like, he’s viewed as this soft, lispy, effeminate character, but most scholars believe that he was the top in-
KYLE GETZ
[laughing] Most sch- Wh- Sorry?! [Mike laughs] Did you say most scholars believe he is the top?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes!
KYLE GETZ
Thereâs a debate in the historical- English historical community on whether he was a top?
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s my understanding⊠It’s my understanding that Oscar Wilde- People who study him end up studying his sex life, and, like, some scholars- Most scholars-
KYLE GETZ
[sigh] I want to listen to the scholarly debate about whether Oscar Wilde was a top or a bottom, because it wouldn’t- Itâs- I would just- I just picture it as being non- The least sexual this debate has ever been between anyone, and they’re using like, quotes on things that I don’t understand, and scientific terminology that’s so not sexy, and I just think itâs so funny.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. Well, and um- Wilde scholars apparently believe that he was the active partner during sex, but he went for intercrural over anal sex, so he preferred sticking his penis between the thighs of his partners as opposed to in their anus.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, see, I said! Least sexy way to describe that ever! I didn’t even know- I thought- I thought- Oh, I’m- Intercranial is what I was thinking as, like a blowjob.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, that’s a different kind of sex altogether! Put in your ear, or something. Anyway.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, the skull. Like, the eye socket hole is pretty penis shaped.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Most holes are, I guess techn- Kinda. Anyway, don’t fuck a skull. Unless you- I don’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
Unless you want to.
KYLE GETZ
Well, unless- I donât know. Let’s- We donât- [laughter] The skull is the bottom, unwilling- Okay, what?
MIKE JOHNSON
An- Anyway. Yeah, this like this idea that like, there’s a measurable inflection point where Oscar Wilde’s trial changes effeminacy from âbeing a total straight dude who just has picked up these feminine traits from all the chicks that he’s bangingâ to a sign that youâs gay. And, um-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Is the study into whether Oscar Wilde is a top called âtopologyâ?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes. Must be. It must be.
KYLE GETZ
That’s what the- Sorry, I can’t get over that. You- I don’t know, you could keep talking, but I just- I can’t get over the- In a very happy joyful way, that thatâs a thing that people study. [laughter] Okay. Yeah- But yes, that is interesting that it changed the dynamic of the culture of effemininity.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. And then I also want to talk about the impact that the HIV/AIDS crisis had on the terms âbottomâ and âtopâ. So, they were never really identities. People didn’t say things like âI am a top,â âI am a bottom.â But there’s a huge increase in that phenomenon during the 1970s and 80s. And, particularly early on in the AIDS crisis, bottoming was considered a much riskier practice than topping. Some of that is true, and many individuals disavowed bottoming entirely in order to identify as a top, and therefore be relatively safer during the crisis. So, instead of being a, like, âHey, we’re gonna hook up and just do whatever,â it began- It became this badge of âI only top.â âI am a top,â was a very easy leap to make from that. So, these- This binary of âThere are tops, and there are bottoms,â a lot of it really solidified in a meaningful way early on in the AIDS crisis.
KYLE GETZ
Huh.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, uh, so- [sighs] Letâs see. At the same time, like we talked about in the âHanky Codeâ episode, a lot of that sort of flagging became more important. There’s the biohazard symbol that a lot of HIV positive men got as a tattoo. There’s- there’s this sort of phenomenon of the crisis creating a need for labels and identities that you could then easily communicate to each other. And I wonder if the verse phenomenon- If any of that is sort of bubbling up because those things are less necessary now with the prevalence of PrEP, and the fact that HIV/AIDS is no longer the death sentence that it once was. I think there’s- there’s some interesting things going on in the culture and therefore the language I think, with regards to what we do with our dicks and butts yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, and- Yeah, with regards to topology.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I do- I do think, like, pendulum swings back and forth and absolutely goes too far, and in just so many areas of life you’ll go too far one way, and, so like, it makes sense why these, you know, labels were created in the- Thatâs so interesting about AIDS. I didn’t think about it, but it makes sense. Um-
MIKE JOHNSON
Go ahead.
KYLE GETZ
[quietly] No, you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, so, uh- I- I also- I love- This article also talks about power bottoms, and how that’s like a masculinization of the traditional, usually considered femme, bottom, thing. Like, it’s, um- It’s a masc dude, and he’s the one that’s in charge, he’s just doing it with his ass, right? That’s the whole thing with a power bottom. But then juxtapose that with, I- I want to make this happen like âfetch,â [Kyle laughs] or like Fucking Dan wants âmax factsâ to be a thing. Um, I love this so much. There’s the emerging category, at least according to this Vice article, of âblouse.â A blouse is a feminine top. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
[laughter] Oh, I love that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Itâs pretty great, right?
KYLE GETZ
That’s hilarious, yeah. Um, I can see where, like, some of these labels are useful in that it helps easily communicate an idea that- Like, what do you like to do in sex? Well, let me describe- Let me count the ways. Like, being able to communicate ideas efficiently is useful-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-and what we often do. But, this is where I think the pendulum swings too far towards âBut now these are identities, and what I have to do, and if you’re this you mean that,â like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Or like, all of those jokes about, like, âWhat do two tops do when they hook up or what do two bottoms do when they hook up? Oh, I guess you’re just fucked, or not fucked!â
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. [chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s not fun because, like, you can’t possibly be- You’re just not compatible.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I’ve never had a top not give a blowjob because they were just that toppy that they could never put- Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Or, even- I think even the most toppiest top- Get two top-top-top-tops together and there’s still a lot you can do.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
You can still have a lot of fun together, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, and bottoms, you can, I don’t know, put all kinds of things in each other. Like- [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Thatâs what I- Yeah, yeah. Um, and part of that is, I think, even- If you are in a scenario where one person wants to top and the other person wants to bottom, we still have that, like, âBut it has to be a penis in an ass,â and one of our friends actually was talking to me about that. And, something we haven’t talked about: Bottoming stemming from if you have issues getting hard, one of the nice things about with two dudes is like, there’s two opportunities for hard penis to be involved. Um, but uh- He was like âAh, I don’t know what to do, like-â and my advice to him was like, âIf you don’t get hard, there are a million things you can put up someone’s butt. And that’s a lot of fun.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Maybe not at the same time, but-
KYLE GETZ
Depends on the bottom!
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Depends on the bottom.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hey, speaking of âdepends,â we also need to talk about whether bottoming is safe, because there’s a lot of misinformation out there about, like, that if you bottom too much, or too hard, or too long, or with the wrong things that you could become incontinent.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh!
MIKE JOHNSON
I was always terrified by that.
KYLE GETZ
You told- You have told a horrifying story⊠Oh, are we gonna get to that later when things are sexy?
MIKE JOHNSON
Whenever, I just- You said the word âdepends,â and it made me laugh. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
[laughter] Great. I’m glad that we have such a low bar for our comedy. Um, yeah, and you can- And what I’ve seen is oftentimes other things you do, if in your mind you’re like âAh shit, I can’t top right now,â and you do those other things, sometimes those are fun and exciting, like fingers, butt plug, toys, like all that stuff, then you eat it, you know, whatever, um, then that that kind of foreplay is exciting, and then maybe you might be able to. Or not, and still, like, someone’s finger my ass feels great.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
So. Well then, can I start talking about- You talked about some of the damaging stereotypes, or sex ed, before we get to that I want to talk about the actual damage-
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh no.
KYLE GETZ
-from putting stuff up your butt.
MIKE JOHNSON
[gasp] Oh no, Kyle. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
I want to talk about the US Consumer Product Safety Commission’s National Electronic Injury Surveillance System, which is basically the emergency room visit report.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great. This is great. This is great. Hey, do you remember the game we played a long time ago, âWhat’s in Jesus’s Ass?â
KYLE GETZ
[laughter] No! What was it?
MIKE JOHNSON
I did a new story about a statue of Jesus that had a note hidden in its butt that they had found, and then you were like âWeâre gonna start a new regular segment: âWhat’s in Jesusâs Butt?ââ
KYLE GETZ
I think⊠inside is salvation.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, right.
KYLE GETZ
That’s what he calls his butt plug.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right, yeah. [laughing] Sorry, go ahead.
KYLE GETZ
So, I- They were-
MIKE JOHNSON
Things people have put up their ass.
KYLE GETZ
They release an annual emergency room summary, something, and that’s what- There’re all these articles, including someone posted to Facebook- I should have said your name, but I’m not- Um, from a few years ago, but they do an annual report, and instead of reading the article about it, I download- I actually downloaded the report.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, great.
KYLE GETZ
So, I looked, uh- You can download all this information, so I downloaded from 2020 the type, the reason theyâre in there is a foreign object-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Let’s do this Family Feud-style: We surveyed 100 rectal foreign object patients, and the top 10 answers are on the board.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, you- Well, you can- Oh, and the other one is, I added a filter to say the word âforeign object,â and then added a filter for ârectumâ
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
âContains the word ârectum.ââ I feel like that covers most of the- Yeah, what are the most common things?
MIKE JOHNSON
Damn near killed âum. Uhh, cucumber! Show me cucumber!
KYLE GETZ
I- Okay, so I will say, I- This camp- I dunno, I read- There were 200 lines in the Excel file that fit this criteria. So- And I read most- I mean, I skimmed, but I skimmed all 200.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
I didn’t see cucumber.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m very disappointed.
KYLE GETZ
I’m sorry. I mean, I know that has to be a thing.
MIKE JOHNSON
Or zucchini? Or- It’s just like, fruits and vegetables is that a category, orâŠ? [laughing]
KYLE GETZ
I searched ârectum/fruit vegetable.â No, the one- Okay. I did copy and paste some actual quotes of what they did. Uhh, the- What you’re talking about is⊠a 68-year-old male put a 12 inch carrot into rectum, and could not retrieve it, so he used a fork [Mike gasps] to try to get out, and injured his colon.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. Hey kids⊠do what you want if it doesn’t hurt anybody, but maybe don’t-
KYLE GETZ
But that probably hurt somebody: yourself.
MIKE JOHNSON
Don’t fork your anus. [mutual laughter]
KYLE GETZ
I should also add, I’m now thinking back to, like, when I did fisting and talking about, like, the extreme cases of like, when that went wrong. Like, there’s a reason I’m talking about this, because next we will talk about the right ways, or the bad information we get, like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
You need to know that you can hurt yourself, and you need to know the right way to do it to be healthy, and also it’s funny to see what people put in their butts.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
But anyway, yeah, what else- I mean, let’s go basics Mike, what do people put up their butts?
MIKE JOHNSON
Beer bottles. [laughing]
KYLE GETZ
That’s the basics? Thatâs the entry point for you, is beer bottles?!
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god. Oh my god. I- That’s like one of the very first things that I put up my butt, and like- Just because it was the only thing that I had.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh. Wow. Like a- Not a can. Like, a bottle?
MIKE JOHNSON
Like a bottle, with the neck. Just the-
KYLE GETZ
How far did you g- Just the neck?
MIKE JOHNSON
Just the neck.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Iâm not putting a- I mean, maybe some people could, or would, but, anyway.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, the PSA here is âIf it’s glass, don’t put it up your butt, because if that goes wrongâŠâ
MIKE JOHNSON
No glass in your ass, Kyle! Jesus Christ, how did you miss that?!
KYLE GETZ
Well, glass in your ass! Mother fucker, I quit. That’s horrible.
Fucking Dan
There are, uh, dildos made of glass that are appropriate, so, just make sure you’re buying something that’s appro- That’s made of a type of glass that will not shatter inside of you. A beer bottle is a terrible idea, and I- I- I question-
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh yeah, it was a terrible Idea.
Fucking Dan
That- Yeah, I mean, beyond glass, you’re also creating a suction because of the like, open end.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
Fucking Dan
Yeah, there’s all sorts of reasons.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
Fucking Dan
That really shocks me, wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
Fucking Dan
Maybe that’s when your prostate broke.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, maybe.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh. I think a lot of people have these stories about the first thing they put in their ass. Like, in- I was reading, someone asked, like on the AskGayMen Reddit, someone was like, âI want to put a toothbrush in my like ass.â Like- Or like, you know, one of the first guys I hooked up with, [quietly] what did he put in? He was like- Was it a broom? I don’t know, there was something that he was like âOh, I just did this because that’s the only option.â Okay, Mike, the common thing that people get stuck in their ass?
MIKE JOHNSON
âŠDildos!
KYLE GETZ
Thank you! [mutual laughter] Jesus Christ, that- You’re just on to the fun, wild-Â Yes. The most common things Iâve found were like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Non-flanged dildos.
KYLE GETZ
There- I mean, I did see butt plug show up. There are vibrators, sex toysâŠ. The most regular thing I thought- saw that surprised me, that was not a sex toy, is like, shampoo bottles, or like, bottle- Like, plastic bottles like that. Which, I didn’t know that was a- Makes sense, because you’re like, in the shower, you like, have that stuff. So, like, that was a common thing that showed up time and time again.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm, mhm.
KYLE GETZ
Um, I’m gonna read some of these other things that, uh that says-
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. A hammer!
Kyle Johnson
Oh, I didn’t see a hammer, but, what I did see is⊠[quietly] Oh no, I cut that one. Oh, screwdriver.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, okay. Seems kind of pointy.
KYLE GETZ
Well, the-
MIKE JOHNSON
The handle?
KYLE GETZ
I mean, the tail end. It depends on the screwdriver.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. All right.
KYLE GETZ
Um, â18-year-old male accidentally got a sex-â
MIKE JOHNSON
Put an 18-year-old male up your ass?!
KYLE GETZ
âŠOnly if [Mike laughs] consenting and, but, you know. [whispers] I wouldnât mind. Um, no, Okay! Uh, someone, cut all that. Uh, â18-year-old male accidentally got a sex-â This is- It was a butt plug, but the phrasing was, ââŠgot a sex toy referred to as a âbutt plugâ stuck in rectumâ [laughter] Which, part of me is like⊠Oh no, if you had to phrase it as âreferred to as a butt plug,â and not just âbutt plug,â I’m worried about the treatment he’s getting at this place.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, there is a-
MIKE JOHNSON
Like- if thatâs the first time youâve ever heard that phrase before, is what Iâm stuck on.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, like, oh boy you’re gonna be so surprised with all the other things you find up butts.
MIKE JOHNSON
Although, if it was a bad plug, wouldn’t it have a flanged end on it? And then how did it get stuck?
KYLE GETZ
Maybe the flange was small, maybe his butt was wide. Maybe he shoved it in sideways. Maybe the flange fell off.
MIKE JOHNSON
Itâs like, some kind of Dr. Seuss poem that youâre making right now. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
[laughter] Dirty Dr. Seuss? Um, âA 52-year-old male was celebrating his birthday with some young girls who inserted a butt plug into his rectum, now unable to retrieve it.â Um, happy birthday. [Mike laughs] A, um- This is one it was interesting. I included these because they were all, like, slightly different interesting ways. âA 15-year-old male presents with foreign body in rectum, patient was using the vibratorâŠâ and in parentheses, ââŠ(no assault) and it accidentally became stuck,â and that was very interesting to me that they put that there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I didn’t see others- That wasn’t the, like- Everything didn’t define âassaultâ or ânot assault,â so I either- It just happened to be how this doctor takes notes, totally innocuous, they do that, yâknow, this one hospital does that all the time. What jumped to my mind is, someone saw a dude with a thing up his butt and immediately is like âOh,â like, âis this assault or not?â like, jumping right to that instead of understanding, like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-pleasure being an option available.
MIKE JOHNSON
Interesting.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. â30-year-old male with foreign body in rectum states he and his friends had a practical joke going on each other. This time, he was sleeping when his friend put a dildo in his rectum, and now unable to get it out. Admitted for surgical removal.â [chuckling] What are your eyes- Verbalize what your eyes are doing.
MIKE JOHNSON
I just- I’m reminded of the last episode when boyfriend Bobby was saying that he invented an entire Ben, so that he had this, like, elaborate lie to cover up the fact that he was smoking weed. That just sounds like- like, âNo, no, no, I’m not putting shit up my ass, itâs a game that I’m playing with my friends, and it got out of hand, blah blah blah.â No, girl, you just are taking stuff in the butt.
KYLE GETZ
There are so many of these that, like- If that’s true, that’s horrifying, and your friends took this practical joke to sexual assault levels. Like, that’s not cool. Or, you know, there are people like, âOh, I squatted down in the bathroom and accidentallyâŠâ and you’re like, well, okay. â25-year-old male was drinking with his friends and believe that he may have placed a nickel and a dime in his rectum.â
MIKE JOHNSON
He believed, then?
KYLE GETZ
I mean-
MIKE JOHNSON
Like it may or may not have happened?
KYLE GETZ
Back to the sobriety episode. We just had a recovery episode. You’d get drunk enough that you don’t remember if you stuck a nickel in your butt.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god, new fetish: human slot machine! [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Mm, human slut machine. Uhh, â17-year-old male presents with rectal foreign body, self-placed spray bottle, will not say why he did it.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Is that germane to the conversation?
KYLE GETZ
I would assume as a doctor you want to know how it happened so there are other thing- Like, do I need to check for- Was the bottle open, and you- You know, I think, to understand the context and what to worry about and think about.
MIKE JOHNSON
Did the- Did the bottle come on to you? Like, what’s the- I don’t understand-
KYLE GETZ
What I picture in this scenario is this guy being so embarrassed about it, and not wanting to answer anything else about it. And- and that to me is part of why I want to have this discussion of like, this is when you run into trouble. And I’m concocting this whole narrative around a lot of these stories, that we have- Just have no idea, but like- Another one, uh, âA 25-year-old male with foreign body in his rectumâŠâ uh, ââŠ1 hour PTAâ? I don’t know what that means. âHe states he believes it is a vape, and is not answering any questions.â Again, I just assume that this person was playing around with his butt, stuck something up, and is embarrassed to talk about it or tell anyone about it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. That’s got to be the explanation, because otherwise it’s like âThere’s something in my butt, let’s all find out what it is together because I donât know!â
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, Yeah. Maybe- Can you anally vape?
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
Are we inventing the anal vape?
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, you can- You can ingest alcohol that way, I don’t see why you couldn’t other-
KYLE GETZ
Well, you have to blow- Anyway. Um, [chuckles] âA 38-year-old male in car pulled over by police hid a bag of THC in rectum.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
âConstipated.â [mutual laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
There was a- I didn’t write down, like, someone who like, put some kind of like drug, or- Like, wrapped it in a lottery ticket and put up his butt. It was like, oh, how did you expect that to- That’s gonna get- That’s not staying in that lottery ticket. Also, what if he won? You don’t know. Um. [Mike laughs] And I’ll just read other, like, random ones that I didn’t write the full thing, but, just- Someone put a âknife, handle first.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
Glad we have that clarification. Uh, âlightbulb.â âBar of soap.â That doesn’t seem⊠penis shaped. Uh, âpool ball.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, billiards?
KYLE GETZ
You know, there was no further detail- [chuckling] âPatient is not answering our questions.â
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughter] Must be a billiard ball. Like- Like pool ball.
KYLE GETZ
[sigh] Must be-
MIKE JOHNSON
Otherwise it’s a beach ball, and Iâm like, how do you get that up there? Good for you.
KYLE GETZ
It’s not a- It’s not a pool ba- it’s not a ball- No one would call that âa pool ball.â
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know, I-
KYLE GETZ
Yes, you do! We- Mike, there are some assumptions that I just need you to not be yourself about, and be like, we can assume âpool ballsâ are billiard balls.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
As humans.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
We need to take some assumptions in life.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Otherwise- No, I’m- Let’s keep talking.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. [laughter] Putting the âassâ in âassumptions,â Kyle, thatâs what Iâm here for. That’s what I’m here for.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] And âmagic diceâ? I don’t know what that means.
MIKE JOHNSON
âMagic dice.â
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. D&D- [laughter] D&D dice.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Maybe they’re wizard.
MIKE JOHNSON
Can’t prove they’re not magic, I made âem disappear. [mutual laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Um, there are a lot of things we put- Oh shit! No, I skipped one.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, shit, that goes up your ass! [laughing]
KYLE GETZ
Well, hopefully not- How would one-
MIKE JOHNSON
Sorry.
KYLE GETZ
Thank you for apologizing, I needed- I needed to hear that. One I intentionally put, that, I don’t know, might freak people out: â5-year-old male stuck the head of an action figure in his rectum.â Like, and I included that because like, all ages. Um-
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, that was an Eddie Murphy sketch- Eddie Murphy joke.
KYLE GETZ
Really?
MIKE JOHNSON
I forget which- I forget which tour it was, but he talked about the- He’s in the bathtub with his brother, and pooped in the bathtub, and then his brother stuck the GI Joe up his ass? I don’t know, itâs a whole thing,
KYLE GETZ
Huh. Oh sorry, you’re right, I did get all these quotes from an Eddie Murphy sketch. [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
You never know.
KYLE GETZ
I got- I went to the wrong database. As young as- we are all curious about sticking stuff in our butt.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
And, so like, at five years old someone’s curious about putting something in your butt. So, it’s all ages. Uh, you know, I had a story about someone that was 52, with- He said with women, like, they’re- You know, just, every age, and we’re all sticking stuff in our butts, and we’re curious about it, and that to me feels like one of the things that we all pretend, or like, conservative people or Christians want to pretend that that’s not- The more we ignore that that’s just- We’re gonna stick stuff up our butts. Like, the more we ignore that, the worse it is for people who then try it and do it in a bad way, in the wrong way, and not knowing- Not having the right tools, or ideas, or resources.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, Yep, absolutely. Absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
Speaking of having the right tools or resources, did you have the right tools or resources growing up to learn about bottoming?Â
MIKE JOHNSON
God, no.
KYLE GETZ
I know, right?
MIKE JOHNSON
God, no.
KYLE GETZ
No, same-
MIKE JOHNSON
I still donât, apparently. [mutual laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Do you need me to give you the sex education talk?
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
When two bottoms love each other-
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God. [sigh] Um, no, I absolutely did not. I mean, I got lots of terrible misinformation in sex ed. And the one quote, I think I’ve said it on the show before, I forget, did I?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah, but very critical. Crit- crit bit right now.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, the PE health teacher, who was probably like 25 years old and an idiot, but I was in junior high, and, you know, people’s ages are impossible to know when you’re young-
KYLE GETZ
They just seem like an expert, because there’s someone up front talking to you, so.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, uh, was talking about how- And I think it was all in the context of like, STI prevention, but in particular HIV/AIDS, which, I was getting sex ed in the late 80s and early 90s, so, like, we were all fucking terrified. Um, but said that the lining of your rectum has the consistency of wet toilet paper, which, we’ve all gotten toilet paper wet before, and then it, like, just-
KYLE GETZ
When- That toilet paper was so into me! [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
So wet.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, that’s some WAP: Wet Ass Paper. [Kyle laughs] Uh, It- But that tear- That’s- It paints a picture that says, like, I shouldn’t even put my finger up there because I’m gonna tear a hole in the lining of my rectum.
KYLE GETZ
It puts the tear in terrifying.
MIKE JOHNSON
Exactly, exactly. And, um- But that- I mean, it was effective. I definitely, like, I definitely worried for a really long time that, like, I was gonna put my finger on my butt and bleed, or, like, worse.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, that’s- it’s just not- It’s just not true. Now, there is research that suggests that the lining of the rectum is particularly permeable, and that that is why you are at a higher risk of transmission of STIs if you are the receptive anal partner, versus the insertive partner. Um, but you can’t take that and run with it and say, âYou’ve got wet paper towels and your ass.â Like, thatâs just- Anyway.
KYLE GETZ
How do you- That’s such a, like, thing that you learned at such a young age, and, even if you learn factually that’s incorrect, like, that seems like itâd be so ingrained in you, like, how did you unlearn that? Or do you- Do you think that still affects you in some way? Like-
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, getting accidentally railed helped. So, you, like- Then you’re just like, oh-
KYLE GETZ
Wait.
MIKE JOHNSON
What?
KYLE GETZ
âAccidentally railedâ?
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t mean it- I don’t mean, like, in a consent kind of way, I just-
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
I just- I just mean in the like- Like, being with a top who, like, I was consenting, but was not gentle about shit. And then, like, you realize, âOh, I just took a pounding and I’m fine.â
KYLE GETZ
[chuckling] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
That goes a long way to dispel the myth of, like, again, wet paper towel ass. So, um-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. âWet paper towel assâ [mutually laughing] is the grossest descriptor Iâve ever heard, but- Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, I mean, imagine- Sex ed in Texas could not have been-
KYLE GETZ
I mean, we- Like, there are some thing- Well, I mean, I’ve talked about, just, more like, you know, you’re- âIf you have sex, you’re probably gonna get an STI or get pregnant,â and, you know, âBe abstinent.â So like, we’re not even delving into the realm of anything up your butt. Like, that- It just wasn’t even, like- These were not even topics we broached, which is, I guess a part of why- I didn’t think about it, like, part of why saying that people of all ages are going to do this. Um, like, I think about sex ed, and sometimes, you know, sometimes my- There’s an immediate gut reaction of like, do you teach kids how to bottom? And that’s a weird thing to say out loud, because it sounds very sexualizing, and- and there’s an initial discomfort that I have when I say that. And then I read that a 5-year-old put a superhero toy in his butt.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
Like, and that’s- I think, just to reiterate that, like, that’s why it shouldn’t be like, âWhat do we want kids to do?â It’s âWhat are kids doing, and how do we keep them safe?â
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, we know everyone’s putting stuff up their butt? Well, that’s- Then describe and help make sure they do it in a safe way and keep them safe.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And, also, I think we need to do better in sex ed, and not just- You know, even mechanics or risks and all that stuff, like, sex should be about pleasure. Like, there’s a whole side of pleasure and consent that should be part of it.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, even that sentence is something that I don’t think parents would sign up for.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right? Like, there are a lot of people out there that are okay with talking about the mechanics, of like, telling Jimmy and Susie all about, like, what’s happening with their bodies, and the anatomy of it all, and to a certain extent the safety of all of those things, but don’t you dare say it’s pleasurable.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I mean, there’s- Yeah. That’s- Isnât that Catholics, that are like âIt’s only for procreationâ?
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, yeah. Yeah. Let’s use the rhythm method, because then apparently God doesn’t know you’re cheating him.
KYLE GETZ
[quietly] Whatâs the rhythm method? I think you’ve told me this before.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, that you look at the fertility cycle of when she’s on her period, when she’s ovulating, and, uh, there’s- It’s different for different women, but there’s a period of time in which she can’t get pregnant because her body is not in a position to be fertilized. So, uh, Catholics will track that shit and know that it’s okay to fuck during these days, because she can’t- She won’t get pregnant.
KYLE GETZ
And God doesnât know that you’re- Youâre intentionally-
MIKE JOHNSON
âCheating the systemâ?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, everyone- Everyone knows you’re fucking at a time that you can’t get pregnant.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, that’s the same thing, you fucking liars.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You at you have such a stigma on condoms that you need to find your own way, when it’s like, did you know the process you’re going through is actually made easier by new advances such as condoms or vasectomies? Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, yeah. So, I- It’s knowing that sex is important, that pleasureâs an important part of sex. For a lot of people, not everyone. Like, learning about all these aspects, I think, is important to, you know, going into the world, and sex is gonna be a part of it, and yeah, we need a far better understanding than school and porn has to offer.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. One thing we didn’t talk about is whether you think everyone needs to bottom. Like, does one need to bottom in order to be an effective or good top?
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh, this is interesting, that I want to talk about. I, uh, wanted to talk about an article that I think will help illuminate, like, should you bottom?
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Do I think you should bottom?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes.
KYLE GETZ
And I called it- Yes. [Mike chuckles] It is one- I put- I said âThe Bottoming Flowchart,â and it is just a box that says âYes.â [Mike laughs] Um, no, this is an incredible article on theauthenticgay.com, written by Kyle Getz.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, Okay. I’ve heard of him. I know that bitch. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, he’s very popular and sexy. [laughter] Uh, so, I reread this article that I wrote for them a while ago.
MIKE JOHNSON
Renowned bottom expert. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Renowned bottomist. [laughter] Uh, um.
MIKE JOHNSON
Is that what a phlebotomist is?
KYLE GETZ
Mhm, fill bottomist. [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
I included a lot more than, like, the physicality of it, or the, like, sex part of it, so- And, I also, on Reddit see a ton of people that are like, âI don’t like bottoming, why not,â or âI want to bottom,â or âI don’t want to bottom,â and wrestling with that. So, âDo I want to bottom?â âShould I bottom?â Question you ask. I think, for a lot of people, a lot of gay people, something to try, something that they’re curious about and interested. You don’t know whether you like it or not until you do it. There are people that might just feel pressured to bottom, and that’s an important thing to check in on first. Do you want to bottom, or do you feel like you should because you’re in the gay community?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And, things to consider. Thereâs- if you’re asexual, then you may not actually want to bottom, may be the pressure. And it’s okay to not- To be asexual and still be in the gay community. Or a side, which is someone in the gay community that doesn’t have penetrative sex. And that’s, you know, that’s an option.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm. I read a statistic, that, in one survey, it said that 60% of respondents said in their last sexual encounter they did not do anal.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
That, like, not doing anal is pretty common.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Please never bring statistics, because that’s my job. [chuckle] Thatâs offensive. [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
I get it, I get it, I get it. [slight laughter]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I think a lot of people don’t realize they just assume a hookup is buttfucking, and there’s- Yeah, like we said, there’s a lot of- That’s a lot of work, thatâs a lot of planning, there’s a lot of stuff you can do. So if you do, like, there are things to consider. Why do you want to bottom, is it society, or because your inner bottom is calling? [Mike laughs] I heard the calling when at a young age. Um, the next one is: How do you- How do you start to explore it? And I would highly- I did not do this, so I highly encourage people to explore it, to know âDo I like it?â If youâre not sure, starting by doing it on your own, exploring on your own. And that includes fingering yourself, that includes using sex toys. I particularly like butt plugs, like you’ve said, because they have the flanged end. I tend not to use superhero [chuckle] heads to, uh, play around.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm, mhm.
KYLE GETZ
And some of the things you’ll learn- Like, I had to learn with myself that I am far tighter than most people. Have I talked about my small butthole in a while? I have a small butthole.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That was- That could have been very useful to know, to know that I am on the extreme tight side, and need to take that into account.
MIKE JOHNSON
Bragger. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
I- I usually clarify to people: I am not trying to be sexy right now, I need you to know this information, and have before- I said, so you’ll need to take it slow to start, and there was this guy that was, like, giving this dom energy, and he was like, âNo way,â and then I was like, âOkay, stop this conversation.â If you’re so dumb that- It’s hot, but it- But you need to start slow, and then be dumb.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, and I think is something that we don’t consider is there’s like a mental part of this. And the- There’s, again, things that I dealt with, or still deal with. Am I in a place where I can be assertive with someone? If I want to then, you know, I’ve explored my body and ready to- Think it’s worthwhile, and want to take the next step. Am I ready to have another- It’s not just you have a penis in the room; you have a human in the room. And am I ready to tell them to stop, if it feels bad? Am I ready to communicate It? Can I be- Can they be inside me and say, âI need to stop this right now.â Do you feel comfortable with that? And, for me, that’s a very difficult thing to do, and that takes a level of self-confidence and assertiveness, and, you know, relationship with the other person to be able to do that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
The person should be⊠Interestingly, the top should be receptive of that. [chuckle] [Mike laughs] But, I could see times when they would, like, that toxic masculinity thing- They’d be like, [mockingly] âWait, what? Why would I stop?â If you already then- I- Knowing yourself, knowing your body, then means you kind of help know what to do to, like, warm up your butt.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm, mhm.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I- Um, Iâm not talking about cleaning out, which, [chuckling] that’s going to be something in detail.
Fucking Dan
Yeah, one of the things I wished someone- I wish there’d been an education about cleaning out, uh, when I was first starting to have sex, and, uh, it was embarrassingly years, I think, before I realized that, like, that would make it more enjoyable for me and for my partners. And I had the opportunity to be on the Fruitbowl podcast recently. Hasn’t come out yet, but I was interviewed for it, and, uh, David Quantic, who runs that, asked me at the end of the interview to detail my cleaning out process, and he’s been kind enough to share that with us, and we’re gonna watch that video, and Mike and Kyle will get to see it and hear it for the first time and react.
KYLE GETZ
Weâll react. [laughter] It is a 72 step process.
Fucking Dan
Close.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
Um, so I’m not talking about that part. There’s a whole cleaning up part you need to know, and- Um, some more time, yeah. Um, so, once you know yourself, then you can know how to warm up and get yourself ready and stretched out, and for some people it’s like, cool, you can just go ahead and jump on in. For me, I need that to be a bigger process. And then I know I can decide for myself, is this a hookup and someone just wants to come over and rail me? In which case, I need to do that on my own. Or, I found so often for a lot of people, stretch- Like, if I tell them that, and I put out toys, they have a lot of fun with doing it with me.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm, Mhm, mhm.
KYLE GETZ
Then, for people like me, starting out with cowgirl, which I don’t know a gay version of- I mean, âcowboy,â but that’s still gendered. I don’t know, a non-gender⊠cow⊠ride- ride it, riding. Riding. That, to me, is like a really good way to start out bottoming, because, like, you as the bottom are the one on top and in control then of that
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Well, and, yeah, I-
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
Nothinâ, I- My brain mouth is weird today. That’s particularly useful if he has a really really big dick, because, like, then you are in charge of how deep and how quickly that happens.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, yeah. I highly recommend that as the starting point for bigger guys.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. Um, and, yeah, you- Like, that- At this point- This is like the make-or-break time for me in a lot of ways. Like, the slowest you have to go- Like, you want, like- A lot of times I just want it to be inside me, but, like, going slow- Um, like, you can start with like, if you just get the tip in, like, then you just like ride that a little bit, and that helps, and then you can like work up to it. Or, if you can get it in, like, sometimes just sitting there with it, and then do other things like make out or whatever, are ways to, like, kind of warm up while you’re there. Also, tops may tend to thrust while you’re doing that, and if you’re good with that, great, if you’re ready for it. Or, that is also a good litmus test of if you say âNo, don’t.â I mean, say that in a fun sexy way. âNo, you stay there⊠Iâm gonna be a-â
MIKE JOHNSON
No, just slap âem!
KYLE GETZ
Mm, I would- I mean, I would be okay with that, but. Um, helps decide if, is he open to this feedback of like, âNot yet,â or, âI’m not ready yet,â or whatever.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And then- Like, once I get past that point, that’s all the stuff I wish I knew. Because once I get to there, then, like, we can go to town. We can change up, he can throw it in, he could, you know, what have you. And then it’s, like, that’s the amazing sex that I never underst- Before, I was like, âBottoming just hurts. I want to, but why- But why canât I?â
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And I just didn’t know about all this stuff. I didn’t know myself, and I didn’t know how to warm up and be ready for it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Now that I do, sex is so much better.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And then, I think you can always, like- Like you said, like, we’ve talked- Like, it doesn’t have to be a label. You can try it once, and that can be fun, and âOh, I tried it. I don’t like it. I’m gonna move on.â So, when you ask, like, âShould you do it to be a better top,â I think for most people, that probably is true. It’s like riding a roller coaster ride. Like, try it once and just see if you like it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Although, I guess⊠now that I’m saying it, the downside of just trying it once is if you don’t know what you’re doing and it just kind of hurts, then you may think that that’s just what bottoming, and, I dunno.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Right, right, right, right. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
What do you think? I gave you a long segment in response to your question, but, do you think everyone should bottom first?
MIKE JOHNSON
âŠFirst?
KYLE GETZ
Or, not first, sorry. Bottom.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, um, I think so. I think so. Mostly, like, I’m realizing that I’m fairly hostile to the labels âtopâ and âbottom,â like, I think, as an identity to say âI am a top,â âI am a bottom.â Of course I would think that, because I’m verse, but like, it just- It seems-
KYLE GETZ
You verses!
MIKE JOHNSON
It seems so limiting, and it seems so, like, toxic in a way, to say, like, âThis and nothing else is what I’m about.â And I want people to feel, like, not only that it’s okay, but maybe they should question the box that theyâve put themselves in and try other stuff every once in a while. And just because you tried it once and didn’t like it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t some other time. Like, you should always- You should- If you have, like, a food that you hate from when you were a kid, you really should try it again 25 years later and see if maybe your tastes have changed.
KYLE GETZ
Huh. Unless it’s pickles, which are objectively disgusting and no one should like them.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, that’s- How about pickles up your butt, Kyle? How do you feel about that?
KYLE GETZ
I think the- I think my butt could taste it. [Mike laughing] I think my butt could taste the disgusting juices.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Great.
KYLE GETZ
Um, okay, like, the limiting- Like, if you- Like, top with a butt plug in. Like, if you just think of yourself as a top, like, then you don’t think of, like, those other things. Or watching, like, group porns where everyone fucks everyone is so fucking hot, like, I- Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm, mhm.
KYLE GETZ
Um, you already started talking about some of your personal sexual experiences, [quietly] and obvi we’ve talked about them in plenty of other shows. You verse, so, tell me more about- Tell me more- Tell me about your butt. [chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Tell you about my butt?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’ve gotten to a place where I am- Okay, first of all, I was like 90+% the top in my last marriage, and I guess the marriage before that too really. [laughter] But, uh, and so I identify as verse, but definitely have been wanting to explore bottoming more, and COVID being what it is, I haven’t really gotten to do that. So it’s very much on my, like- As the world opens up, I want to also. [Kyle laughs] And, um, uh. But I’m practiced enough that I basically do just fine. I don’t have a small butthole. I can pretty much just take it whenever and do just fine.
KYLE GETZ
[whispering] Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
But it’s uh- And I’ve gotten to where, like, that’s- It’s not uncomfortable, it doesn’t hurt, it’s fun. I’m just still in search of that elusive, like, anal orgasm/what does a prostate feel like? Like, I legit don’t know where mine is, or, like, why it’s supposed to feel good. I very much enjoy, like, the intimacy, and making him happy, and I even like the feeling of being penetrated. It’s just not this, like, amazing bottom story that I hear all the time of, like, seeing unicorns and rainbows coming out of your nostrils. I just- I donât know.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckling] It’s like sitting on the unicorn of a- The horn of a unicorn.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, yeah. And Iâve- You know, for a lot- Like, I remember one of the first times where I was like, âOh shit, this is incredible,â because I had so many bad experiences. It was in my first relationship, where, like- there was this one time- And he was bigger, so like, you know, I couldn’t always, um⊠receive him. Ew, that sounds gross. I dunno. Um, but there was once where I was like, [said choirlike] âOhhhh, I get iiiiiit.â [Mike laughs] And I don’t think you necessarily have to search for the prostate to do it. There are some tops that are, like, good at that, or they know the position, or know how to do it without, like, explicitly, like, âWe will now spelunk together inside your anus for that- You know, the best stalactite out there.â [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, letâs draw a treasure map. [chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. But I feel like you’ve- At least, I know they’re- I think after you said that, more then I realize that other people are like, âYeah, I don’t, like, have the prostate sensation,â or âI’m not like-â you know. So it is- Can be different for different people, but why- Is it rude to just assume you’re doing wrong? [chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
No. I mean, that’s- I’m hopeful that that’s the case, and that someday the stars will align with the right person, when I’m in the right mood, and that Iâll-
KYLE GETZ
The right curve of the dick, and theâŠ
MIKE JOHNSON
-I’ll get it someday. Because the alternative is really kind of sad. Like, I want that kind of pleasure in my life that people report. And so I’m hoping that my body is capable of it.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Call me! [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
[chuckle] I- What is it like to just be able to take a dick whenever?
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s pretty great.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, that sounds niceâŠ
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s pretty great. Iâm maybe slightly overstating it. Like, there are times, like, at the moment of insertion, that itâs like, âOkay, nope, take that out. We’re gonna have to just- Like, just give me a second.â
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But it’s not like- It’s not like the saga that you have told about, you know, what it’s like getting ready or, or having to ease into things, like-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
-more often than not, it’s fine from the get-go.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Wow. That’s what every- That’s what so many guys expected, and they didn’t have the experience enough to know, uh, people’s different bodies. And that’s one of the reasons I got my fissure, because people didn’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And I didn’t know. I mean, they just kind of went to town. In this in this context, one of the biggest myths is that, sex should not be painful. Bonding should not be painful. It can be uncomfortable. You can- Yeah, when you start, you can be like, âOoh, I’m not quite ready,” and maybe you need to, like, stretch out. Like, they’re- Like, I mean, it can be painful if you want it to be, choke me. But like, it doesn’t- There is not this thing- I remember when I was in college, didn’t know what I was doing, and there was another gay guy with me, he knew what he was doing, and we had a friend of ours ask both of us, âIs bottoming painful?â And I was very limited in my experience, and I said âNot if you do it right,â and he said âYes.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm, Mhm mhm.
KYLE GETZ
And I was like, âOh, well, I guess he’s right. I guess it’s just painful, and that’s part of it.â And I think there’s this idea that it’s just painful, and you just need to get over it. Or, it’s painful, but keep doing it with a bunch of different guys, and soon it won’t be, or something?
MIKE JOHNSON
Right.
KYLE GETZ
And that’s just not true, and you should not- It should not be that painful.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And that’s why you shouldn’t use numbing lubes, because you need to hear and feel that pain, and that is an important signal to know to stop.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I should schedule another butt enlargement surgery, that would be so nice. I wish I could just take it whenever.
MIKE JOHNSON
Can you, like- Are you still under warranty? Or, like- [chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
[laughter] I donât- Like, that’s usually a reaction surgery to something happening, I don’t know if you can, like, cosmetic butt sur- I think that has to be a thing. People get surgeries everywhere. I should go to LA, and there’s probably butt stretching surgeries on the corner for- Well I guess butt stretching surgery is just some dudeâs dick.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, yeah! Um, there’s so much to talk about for bottoms. I’m sure plenty of people will email us all the shit we didn’t talk about for bottoms, and that’s fine. Oh, did I write down anything else? Um.
MIKE JOHNSON
We didn’t talk about Shawn Mendes even once.
KYLE GETZ
[laughter] Oh, God. You cannot get started on this. [Mike laughs] The one other thing I wrote down about, like, my personal experience is- Particularly right after the recovery episode, is because it was a painful thing, and I didn’t understand, oftentimes I would drink to have sex, and that would make it easier, or I wouldn’t remember it, and that can be one of those things that fuels issues with alcohol, and issues with sex. Like, I know that like, it has to be a complete relearning of how I have sex, because it’s sober, you know?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, learning how to do it right includes how to do it without any kind of influences, and I think that’s probably common in the gay community, and might actually be a portion of people with issues of, you know, drugs or alcohol.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
Did we do it?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, we bottomed!
MIKE JOHNSON
Wait, we bottomed.
KYLE GETZ
We bottomed great. [chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Should we take a break?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, let’s take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
But- Why am I looking around the room looking for things to put up my ass?
KYLE GETZ
Oh, God, where- Do you have a cucumber?
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckle] Break.
[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
Are we back?
KYLE GETZ
We’re back! [laughing]
MIKE JOHNSON
Weâre back! [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first, our website is gayishpodcast.com.
KYLE GETZ
We are on so much social, @gayishpodcast Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook. Uh, we also have a Facebook group. We have a Discord group where everyone helps each other out and teaches people how to bottom and stuff. If you need more details from multiple sources, check those out.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep, absolutely. I highly recommend it. And thereâs send nudes. Uh, our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails at 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.
KYLE GETZ
Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.
MIKE JOHNSON
And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109. And, uh yeah, real quick, I really very much would like the author of [The] Deviantâs War, Eric Cervini, Dr. Eric Cervini- I want everyone to harass him until he comes on the show.
KYLE GETZ
Har- Okay, not harass.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, just be persistent.
KYLE GETZ
I mean-
MIKE JOHNSON
Get his attention for me.
KYLE GETZ
We wanted to have him on to talk about Pride and stuff. Um, and he knows so much shit, and, uh, yeah. So, if a bunch of-
MIKE JOHNSON
On both Instagram and Twitter he is @ericcervini. That’s E-R-I-C-C-E-R-V-I-N-I.
KYLE GETZ
So, follow him. Well- At least- Well, thereâs the plus side. But hey, say, like- Say âHey, be on Gayish.â
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Do it.
KYLE GETZ
We’re now- You are all our PR firm. If that works, we’ll, you know, find a way to get Pe- Petey boy on through this tactic.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, Gayest & Straightest?
MIKE JOHNSON
Letâs do our Gayest & Straightest! I’ll go first.
KYLE GETZ
Great.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great! Uh, the straightest thing about me this week is doing the laundry and then just saying âI am not folding these sheets, fuck it.â [Kyle chuckles] Fitted sheets- Folding fitted sheets is fucking stupid, I fucking hate it, it’s dumb, and I don’t do it. So I just threw them into a drawer.
KYLE GETZ
The improved quality by folding, versus balling up, is so minimal, it- Yeah, I completely agree.
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely. Um-
KYLE GETZ
Or I do this, like, half folding. Like, I know it’s not going to work, so I, like, kind of make folds out of it, but it just- Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm, mhm, mhm. I end up with a clusterfuck every single time.
KYLE GETZ
Yep, yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Not in a good way.
KYLE GETZ
Yep, yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uhh, the gayest thing about me this week. So, the bars are back open. I went out to the bars, and- Hey Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Hey- Oh, hey Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
How do I feel about tequila?
KYLE GETZ
Da-dun-da-da-da-da-dun-da. You hate it! [Everyone chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
I hate it so much, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, flatly refuse?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, itâs- Just- You will- You don’t drink. You don’t even drink margaritas. Like, even people that don’t like tequila might drink things like margaritas, and, no.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. I let a cute boy talk me into doing a shot of tequila, because he was cute. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
[gasp] Yeah, howâd that go?
MIKE JOHNSON
It was fuckinâ terrible!
KYLE GETZ
No one likes shots of tequila.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean-
KYLE GETZ
Thatâs a lie, but.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, it was- Mm-mm, nope. But, just the fact that I was, like, thinking with my dick, and I was like, [Kyle laughs] âMaybe- Maybe I can- Maybe I can make this tequila thing happen, just this once, for the first time in 30 years.â
KYLE GETZ
Is it so bad that you, like, act like-
MIKE JOHNSON
30 years? I was not drinking tequila at 12. [laughing] I donât know whatâs- Why did I say that?! Okay, sorry, go ahead.
KYLE GETZ
You’re right, it was the least 13 when you started your tequila.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, exactly.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Uhh, me? Should I go?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, do it.
KYLE GETZ
Am I the only other one? Um, gayest: I went to dinner, because, all these things we can start to do now. I went to dinner, and there was this, like, blonde lady sitting next to us that just had eye makeup and the bun that was the most forward on your head that it can be. She was really sweet, and like, somehow, like, our tables started talking, and she was talking to me, and- Um, you know the thing that people get into, where they’re like, you know, âI am super down with anything. I’m, like- Oh, you’re gay? Like, oh, I have- You know, this friend has a gay-â Like, this one? And that used to be stuff I got annoyed at, like, [self-mockingly] âOh, I’m gay and the only other thing you know is-â Um, I have just turned this corner where I’m like, you know what? This person is doing what they can to be supportive, and telling me how down they are. You know, it’s- It’s clear they’re trying, and telling me about their other gay person that they- You, know, it’s just- Itâs their genuine intent to connect and show you how supportive they are, so I’ve completely changed on that, and that was very sweet.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
But that moment is a moment that only gay people get, of like, âOh, I know another gay,â or like, âOh, I support you,â because that’s not assumed.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
The straightest, I changed, when I spilled water on your hardwood floor and I cleaned it up with my sock.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, [laughter] I came out of the bathroom and you’re like, doing this weird, like, Hokey Pokey dance.
KYLE GETZ
It was different from the sliding we were doing earlier. It was like- I just- You know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I did so much twirling earlier.
KYLE GETZ
That’s your gayest thing. [mutual laughter] Uh, do we have a listener?
MIKE JOHNSON
We have a listenerâs Gayest & Straightest. Uh, this one comes to us from Johnny Mont Melanson- Johnny Melanson, on Discord. JJ Saxophonist, I think, is his alias on Discord? Anyway, said âStraightest: Going to my brother’s bachelor party with all his straight friends for a weekend in Maine.â
KYLE GETZ
Uh- Oh, I was expecting Vegas. I, just- Bachelor party. Yeah. Ahh, bachelor parties.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. âGayest: At the bachelor party, the boys were talking about a straight porn star. I looked him up, and I literally said out loud, âI’ve had bigger,â [Kyle laughs] and all their mouths dropped. [laughter]
KYLE GETZ
It’s so funny when you’re around straight people, and they, like- It’s like, âYou talk this way about women, but when I say it, like-â That’s so- I love that, that’s so fun.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
Um, speaking of people with huge dicks, these are our Super Gap Bridgers.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
No, every dick matters, regardless of size. We didn’t talk about this one to bother being like, dick size. Like, [quietly] Iâm- Sometimes I want, like, small or medium, to- Anyway, um, it’s just a different experience. Anyway, that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about the variety of dicks that support us, uh, including Patrick Martin, Anonymous, Christopher Farrell, Jamie Pugh, Tipsy McStumbles, Thomas B., Dusty Sands, Jerome York, Chris Khachaturian, and Cian and Javi.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Thanks, everybody!
KYLE GETZ
Thanks everybody!
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, you have to say all their names twice now, because I didn’t say them last week.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Because you were gone.
KYLE GETZ
PatrickMartinAnonymousChristopherFarrellJamiePughTipsyMcStumblesThomasB.DustySandsJeromeYorkChrisKhachaturianCianandJavi.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great, good job. Yep. A special thank you to bottoms everywhere!
KYLE GETZ
[chuckle] Thank you for taking it!
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank you for taking it.
KYLE GETZ
And, you don’t have to take it! [mutual laughter] If you take it. Without bottoms, there would be no tops.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah⊠I think thatâs true.
KYLE GETZ
Mikeâs-
MIKE JOHNSON
I think thatâs true.
KYLE GETZ
Mikeâs doing the math on that, [Mike laughs] which he doesnât need to. At this point in the episode he doesnât need to fact check anything. [laughter]
MIKE JOHNSON
That is it. This has been Gayish, from the Cian and Javi Studio. I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.
MIKE JOHNSON
On your back.
KYLE GETZ
Take it. [Mike laughs]
[Outro music plays, instrumental]
[Remixed voice sample of KYLE GETZ]
Without bottoms there would be no tops. Without bottoms there would be no tops. Without- Without- Without- Without bottoms there would be no tops. Without bottoms there would be no to- to- to- tops. Without bottoms there would be no- Without bottoms there would be no- Without bottoms there would be no tops.Withoutbottomstherewouldbenotops.
[Transcriptor: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]