Gayish: 311 Feet (w/ Ma Johnson)

More than just a fetish, feet can be used to walk (and other things)!

In this episode: News- 3:57|| Main Topic (Feet)- 15:46 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:09:44

On the bonus Patreon segment, we read the earliest known poem about foot stuff written in like, 5 AD. Support Gayish by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ

The podcast that’s a top in the streets, and an emotionally devastated depressed bottom in the sheets.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Slash, all the time, everywhere.

KYLE GETZ

Slash, life is sheets.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality, and-

KYLE GETZ

Your voice is… the way it is, still.

MIKE JOHNSON

It is the way it is. [Kyle laughs] I- It’s- It might be like this forever now, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

[gasps] New life, new voice, new you, new me.

MIKE JOHNSON

I keep forgetting that I can’t sing though, so I’ll get in the jeep and I’m driving around and then I’ll start, like, singing and I’m like [rasps]. It’s not working.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] You sound like me when I sing regularly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Uh, today we’re gonna talk about feet!

KYLE GETZ

Today we’re gonna talk about feet! Super special, surprise, exciting guest that we have.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Ma Johnson!

MA JOHNSON

Do I know her? [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Who’s she?

MA JOHNSON

Hello.

KYLE GETZ

Welcome! Thanks for being here in the studio with us!

MA JOHNSON

Well, thanks for letting me fly over here.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MA JOHNSON

All expenses paid, first class.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MA JOHNSON

I think the Uber guy wants me. [Ma and Mike laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Wait, I picked you up. [laughs]

MA JOHNSON

Oh. Never mind!

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Oh, Jesus.

KYLE GETZ

But first…?

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah. But first!

KYLE GETZ

We’re gonna have a couple episodes, actually, that Ma Johnson’s gonna to be on. So, thanks so much, and you’re welcome.

MA JOHNSON

And you’re welcome.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, 100 words. Okay, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing: I don’t know if I’m permanently like this now. So, just so everyone knows. [Kyle laughs] So, um, we got 100 words, and I wanted to wait and do it when I could do the request, which was that it be dramatically read.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, I had so many ideas for this character. I was, like- I was using the MacCormack method, or whatever. The Kominsky Method? That’s- I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

The Miser technique? [TN: the Meisner technique] I don’t know what these things are.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Exac- Me neither.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Okay!

MA JOHNSON

You were just gonna bark.

MIKE JOHNSON

I was just gonna- [Mike and Kyle laugh] Yeah, exactly. Anyway, anyway, anyway.

KYLE GETZ

The Reynolds method.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, Kyle’s going to do this one so that we don’t have to wait until I’m better, which might be 2024.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Might be never. 100 words cancelled. Um, yes, I- Like, what I imagined- What we would have done from the beginning, when we planned this, is I am just going to read the 100 words. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Alright, fine.

KYLE GETZ

So this is from… Tim… [fumbles words] Tim. [Mike laughs] Thanks, Tim. “So, like what do you think? Did you think that girl was pretty? How did that girl even get in here? Did you see her? She’s so short and that dress is so tacky. Who wears cheetah? It’s not even summer, why does the DJ keep playing Summertime Sadness? After we go to the bathroom, can we go smoke a cigarette? I really need one. But first, let me take a selfie.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Selfie! [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Because people were missing the song #SELFIE [laughs] in our episode about selfies. Thank you, Tim. The one thing I will mention from Tim’s email is that he is- said he might be the only person posting #BeButchBeFabulousBeYou on TikTok

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Which, our marketing department is all of you, and sometimes me when I have the mental motivation, but it’s mostly y’all, so thank you for spreading our hashtag wide and far.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Great. Yeah, yeah. Thanks TikTok.

KYLE GETZ

Thanks- Oh, did you just thank TikTok instead of Tim, the person doing it?

MIKE JOHNSON

Thanks TimTok.

KYLE GETZ

Thanks Ti- [laughs] Your one source-

MA JOHNSON

I was just spreading hashbrowns. I didn’t know. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Um, that’s your 100 words. Sorry you got me instead of Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, me too. [chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

We doin’ the news?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah! Let’s do the news.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, so, first, just a really quick update on the continuing story of the Club Q shooting, apparently. we now have more information about the person that, uh- did- did it-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

-is the bad guy- bad person here. Apparently they use they/them pronouns, which many people think is just a legal strategy, but we have to go with it, right? Like, that’s the- that’s the way that these things work. So, they are a terrible person. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Uh, anyway, Anderson Lee Aldrich has been charged, but we’re finding out now that apparently the FBI knew that this person was crazy for a long time, and-

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

-was on their like watch list, and they did nothing about them, so, like…

KYLE GETZ

That’s super frustrating.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Uh, authorities-

KYLE GETZ

I mean, these are, like- If- A million people would be on the watch list based on my criteria, which is if you own more than maybe two guns I would put you there. Which, we can- We have such easy access to guns; that would be so many people.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, they were actually arrested June 18th of 2021, on allegations that they were making bomb threats against their family members.

KYLE GETZ

Tshhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

And it led to 10 homes being evacuated.

KYLE GETZ

Oh my God.

MIKE JOHNSON

And the case was dropped against them, but we don’t know why because Colorado law doesn’t let us know, you know, what the reasoning was. So it might be they were totally not guilty. It could have been like a technicality and they clearly were. Who knows. But they were totally on the FBI’s watch list because of this bomb situation.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But then the FBI apparently closed its assessment of the case, and uh, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm…

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway. So, for all those people who are like, “We just need the authorities to pay more attention and to do something,” like, they can already, and don’t.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, adding additional authorities to the mix in this is not gonna-

MA JOHNSON

So what is the acronym the FBI stand for?

MIKE JOHNSON

Fuckin’ Bitches.

MA JOHNSON

Bitch Idiots. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Maybe? I dunno.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Ah, Fuckin’ Bitch Idiot.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, okay. News the first, which is actually also an update, so maybe we’re just doing updates today. I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm. It’s Update Corner, brought to you by Jergens.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, there’s a lot going on. I’m worried about how to mash this much news into one episode.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, I dunno. Anyway, news the first: so, Brittney Griner was released from Russian detention. They put her on a plane and she’s back in the arms of her wife, where she belongs, and we apparently could do nothing worse in the eyes of Republicans these days than trade a prisoner. I don’t know. Anyway, I’m- We’ve talked about her a lot on the news, and, uh, she’s- but she’s back.

KYLE GETZ

She’s back! It’s very exciting. I mean, there- You know, there’s obviously a lot of opinions, and there’s shittiness to it too, but sometimes it’s like… can we be happy for a day?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I’m excited she’s back. That must be – I can’t even imagine – a huge relief for all of her- There are still people that are in- Oh no, I said it. Let’s be happy. I’m not gonna add caveats. So, it’s awesome. Welcome back.

MA JOHNSON

I cleaned all the residue out of my curling iron before I boarded the plane this morning, just in case.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I mean, have you made bomb threats against anyone in your- Yes. [laughing] You’re shaking your head “Yes.” already.

MA JOHNSON

No. No.

MIKE JOHNSON

You use your curling iron to do bong hits? Is that-

MA JOHNSON

Well, it’s like a roach clip thing. [Mike laughs] You know. You’ll see.

KYLE GETZ

Ha, alright. Well.

KYLE GETZ

That’s- Some kind of bomb can be made out of that.

MA JOHNSON

Curling irons?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, come on-

KYLE GETZ

Or like, that’s the trigger something. I heard it in a podcast once, and everything podcasts say are true.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. I’ve often said that you’re like the Gayish MacGyver.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] I’ve often said that I’m the Gayish sex-MacGyver.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Oh, okay. I mean, a hole is a goal, I guess. [Kyle laughs, Mike chuckles] Okay, news the second.

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know if you’ve been following this at all or not, but an American journalist named Grant Wahl has died [Kyle gasps] in Qatar.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh, no, I have not been following this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, uh-

KYLE GETZ

This is kind of like an update too!

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, yeah. Sort of. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. So, I didn’t know what order I wanted to say all of this stuff in. So, he is an LGBT ally and was outspoken against the Qatari Government and got turned away because he was wearing a rainbow shirt to the stadium. But he is a- He’s a journalist. He does- He did a lot of work covering the World Cup. He’s not just a rando that’s going, he’s, like, he’s there working as a journalist on the inside. And uh, anyway, he got enough of a notice, again because he was outspoken against the Qatari Government and this rainbow shirt thing. He received numerous death threats-

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

-and stayed in-country covering the World Cup anyway. Then, December 2nd- 6th. 6th. 6 is a different number than 2. On December 6th he posted on social media that he was not feeling well, but that he thought he was on the mend. They gave him some medication and then he said he was- he was feeling quite a bit better. And then, Friday during the Argentina Netherlands match, he, quote, “fell ill.” At least, that’s what the World Cup organization said. And he received immediate medical treatment on-site and then was transferred to Hamad General Hospital and, uh, he- he died. It’s very unclear what he died from, what was wrong. Of course, many people are speculating that he was poisoned somehow, that somebody making those death threats against him made good on that. His brother is on record now as saying that he’s certain that that’s what happened. And he was also straight, so we’ve- we’ve heard from his wife, who said, quote, “I’m so thankful for the support of my husband Grant Wahl’s soccer family and of so many friends who’ve reached out tonight. I’m in complete shock.” Yeah, it’s like, fuckin’ sketchy. Sketchy as fuck.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. The coincidences involved in all of that is- That’s too much to be taken lightly.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. I concur, captain.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] We talked about David Beckham in the Patreon segment last week, and it just reminds me how big of a shit he is for being their ambassador. He will not- He will face no repercussions, he’s too big of a name to, and someone who’s a journalist is taking bolder action to support LGBT people than he is. Fuck him.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep, yep.

MA JOHNSON

No thanks.

MIKE JOHNSON

Fuck that guy.

MA JOHNSON

No thank you.

KYLE GETZ

Do you follow the World Cup, Ma Johnson?

MA JOHNSON

I do.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah?

MA JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

In what way? Like, spiritually-

MA JOHNSON

These cups are my whole world. [Mike and Kyle laughing] These two cups. Planned it.

MIKE JOHNSON

For those of you who are subject to the fact that this is an audio medium, she was pointing to her boobs.

KYLE GETZ

I mean, I think- [chuckles] I think- Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

I’m a 34 long.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, God. Anyway, it’s a horrible situation, and, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, news the last.

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

Have you seen the video of the crying congresswoman?

KYLE GETZ

I’ve heard of it. That’s when I- I can’t watch this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Well, U.S. Representative Vicky Hartzler of Missouri was on the floor of Congress sobbing because Congress was about to pass the legislation that codified rights for interracial and same-sex marriages in this country. [Kyle laughs] She said, quote, “I hope and pray that my colleagues will find the courage to join me in opposing this misguided and this dangerous bill,” and what’s really interesting is then, now getting a whole bunch of play or press, is her nephew.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

That boy gay.

KYLE GETZ

That boy gay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Fantastic.

KYLE GETZ

Uh-huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

He is her nephew, and is totally, totally calling out; “Today a United States Congresswoman – my aunt Vicky – started crying because gay people like me can get married,” and just reads her to filth on this TikTok, and it is magical.

KYLE GETZ

Family members coming out and speaking up against shitty people, and especially study politicians, is my new favorite thing, because they have so much power in that situation. The cousin of someone, the son of someone, the- You know. They can- They have, like, an in. They can be like, “Nooo, that sucks.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

I love it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. So he says in the clip, if you can’t find it, “Aunt Vicky, that’s not right. Institutions of faith, like religious universities, are not being silenced. They’re being empowered by the US government to discriminate against tens of thousands of LGBTQ students because of a religious exemption, but they still receive federal funding.” “It’s more like you want the power to force your religious beliefs onto everyone else, and because you don’t have that power you feel like you’re being silenced, but you’re not.”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

“You’re just gonna have to learn to coexist with all of us, and I’m sure it’s not that hard.”

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] That’s hilarious. Yeah. I forget who this started with, but someone was wearing a mask that said “silenced” or something, and it’s like, you’re a congress person on the floor of Congress. You are one of the people making legislative decisions. You have the power. You are the person in power.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

If you are standing on that floor as a representative, you are the person in charge and you are not being silenced.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You are literally representing lots of people.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It’s- Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

She needs reverse-conversion therapy.

KYLE GETZ

Oh my God, I love it. Like gay conver- Wait. Conversion, but like, gay-conversion therapy?

MA JOHNSON

Right.

KYLE GETZ

Like, “Let’s make you gayer.” [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s so smart.

MA JOHNSON

Or sympathetic, or-

KYLE GETZ

Or, yeah, have-

MA JOHNSON

Just understand. Just-

KYLE GETZ

-emotions, yeah.

MA JOHNSON

-get your head out of your vagina. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Put her in a room full of drag queens until she sobers up.

KYLE GETZ

Cracks. There we go.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] I love reverse-conversion therapy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, I saw a follow-up interview with the nephew, Andrew, and he was saying that not only was he put through conversion therapy, he was put through conversion therapy by her friends-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

-that he has since seen her make public appearances with, the people that put him through conversion therapy.

KYLE GETZ

Eugh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, it’s- it’s really horrible. He’s adorable though. So, anyway. That’s the news!

KYLE GETZ

That’s the news! Hoo! I want to thank the following adorable people are your Patreon members: Michael-

MIKE JOHNSON

This- See, last week-

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

-I had to, like, intervene.

KYLE GETZ

You had to intervene spoon-feed me a transition?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, and this time I was gonna say “these conversion therapists,” which, that’s not good.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, no, they converted to being a Patreon member, which is the best kind of conversion therapy!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah!

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Michael Reusz. I will pause a moment and say, I looked up the pronunciation of Michael’s last name. The first and only time I’m gonna do that. I just looked at this name and I was like, “That’s too many consonants together,” [laughs] and I don’t know what to do. So, you’re welcome Michael! You got a treatment. I hope that’s- If that’s not how you pronounce your name don’t fucking tell me. And-

MIKE JOHNSON

Or do.

KYLE GETZ

Nope, don’t!

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Tell me, and then I’ll tell him.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, tell Mike in private. Uh… And Dustin Haldowan! Sorry, Dust- [Mike coughs loudly]

MIKE JOHNSON

Sorry, Dustin, for fucking up your name.

KYLE GETZ

Sorry, Dustin, for Mike’s outburst, and that I didn’t have more to say about your name. Um, if you want to be a Patreon member, you get monthly momsplainings-

MA JOHNSON

Woohoo!

KYLE GETZ

-and bonus episodes, segments. Join at patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, do it.

KYLE GETZ

Speaking of Patreon…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, we have them to blame for this, everybody.

KYLE GETZ

Yes. I am back, baby.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah you are.

KYLE GETZ

We submitted this as our monthly vote, where we- each of us submits topics and our Gap Bridgers get to vote on which topic we are talking about. So that’s why we’re talking about feet. I submitted feet. I have not won in quite some time. I just needed- I just needed this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It was a bit of a gimme. Although, feet has lost in the past. It’s lost many times. It is a longtime loser. So, anyway.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah. You believed in it. It was the little feet that could.

KYLE GETZ

Aww!

MIKE JOHNSON

And here we are.

KYLE GETZ

Run, buddies.

MIKE JOHNSON

Run. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Run, little buddies. You can do it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Also, you seem very proud of yourself today. You seem chipper, upbeat, ready.

KYLE GETZ

I’ve lost so many times. It’s about time.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I’m always ready.

MA JOHNSON

I voted for vagina. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

That was- You know, we thought with the timing it’d be fun to talk about, but you know, now’s not the time for vaginas.

MA JOHNSON

Vaginas are way up on the- So, feet are down at the bottom. [Mike laughs] Go way up the food chain.

KYLE GETZ

That’s true! Well, if we are going- Throat did win the tiebreaker vote, so.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

MA JOHNSON

[gags] [Mike and Kyle laugh] That was my gagger.

KYLE GETZ

It’s gonna be mostly an episode of that. Anyway, um, in addition to Patreon requesting this, or voting on this topic, we’d also gotten this request from many people, one of which is AlanJay requesting to do feets, so.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, also in Patreon, Chris Khachatourians commented “I need Ma Johnson’s opinions on chokeslams.”

MA JOHNSON

Oh yeah, baby. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know what that means, or what that has to do with this.

MA JOHNSON

Well, I can define that for you.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah? Can you? What’s-

MA JOHNSON

Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Define “chokeslams”.

MA JOHNSON

Did you want the news first, and then the history? [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

The history of chokeslams!

MA JOHNSON

And then the- The history of- So, just think about it. Break it down, you know? You’ve got a choker, [Mike laughs] a chokee-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Uh-huh. And some slammin’.

MA JOHNSON

Slammin’!

KYLE GETZ

That’s- Alright! Love that definition. There you go.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah. I just learned about smash, [Mike and Kyle laugh] so I’m like whoa getting my head around that deal.

KYLE GETZ

We’re already learning so much on this episode.

MA JOHNSON

I know!

KYLE GETZ

Anyway, that’s why we’re doing- That’s the history of why we’re talking about this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, exactly. Exactly right.

MA JOHNSON

Did I answer the question?

KYLE GETZ

Uh.

MIKE JOHNSON

I dunno, did you? Do you have more to say?

KYLE GETZ

You- You said words in response to the thing I said, which, that’s all that doing this podcast is.

MA JOHNSON

Okay. Okay, good. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I think that’s a yes.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Did I answer your question?

MA JOHNSON

Gayish, the podcast that pretends it knows what it’s talking about and definitely, for sure, literally… doesn’t. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Alright, well, so I was gonna talk about the history of feet but that’s- they’ve been around a while.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm. Since the birth of the first human, [Mike laughs] feet have played an important role in the mobility of humans.

MIKE JOHNSON

Funny thing, Kyle: more than just humans have feet.

KYLE GETZ

Get out.

MA JOHNSON

Shut up, no!

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s even before that. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] That’s very true.

MIKE JOHNSON

Instead, I’m gonna talk to you about the history of foot fetishes.

KYLE GETZ

I was- As I was preparing I was like, “Okay, we all know that an episode called “feet” is an episode about foot fetish, right?” Like, we just are accepting that that’s the premise of this episode, right?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. Or measurement systems is fine. You know.

KYLE GETZ

That’s true. That’s true. That’s true. That’s why we brought your mom in, to add some variety.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Okay. I’m ready though. I’m ready for it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Alright, well, so, first we gotta talk about what a foot fetish is.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

And there are a lot of different sort of working definitions of what foot fetishism is. This is Wikipedia, quote, “A pronounced sexual interest in feet.”

KYLE GETZ

It’s not a passing interest in feet. Pronounced.

MIKE JOHNSON

“…points of attraction may include the shape and size of feet, feet soles, toes, jewelry ([like] toe rings, anklets, etc.), treatments ([like] massag[e], washing a partner’s feet or painting partner’s toenails), state[s] of dress ([like] barefoot, flip flops, ballet flats, sandals, high heels, hosiery, socked feet, etc.), foot odor or sensory interaction ([like] rubbing the foot, smelling [them], tickling, licking, rubbing genitals on foot, etc.),” and- What happened with the sandals, again? Are you gonna talk about that later?

KYLE GETZ

Oh, oh, no- Oh, I just- I took a picture, because I thought it was funny, when I was at my parents lake house of my feet up on the, like, railing and the lake behind it, and then, you know, was-

MIKE JOHNSON

Spell “railing”.

KYLE GETZ

Sure. [Mike and Kyle laugh] I, you know, posted something like “#Chillaxing” because I’m a cool dude, and someone commented like, “No, don’t do this! Do an episode about foot stuff and you’ll figure out why!” and I think it’s just- I saw this big Reddit thread. I was searching for this. If there’s something that I just didn’t know about this that, like, that’s a big no-no in the foot world or something. And there were just a bunch of Reddit posts that were lamenting people that wore socks with sandals, especially during summer or during times when your feet could be out because it just-

MIKE JOHNSON

Because it covers the feet.

KYLE GETZ

It’s just hiding the good stuff. And then someone else commented and was like, “This is a good time to have both an interest in feet and socks.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, that person wins.

MA JOHNSON

And gray sweatpants.

KYLE GETZ

And gray sweatpants season is a- is a thing in the gay world.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

And not bunions.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] They’re thing in moms world too.

KYLE GETZ

Ohh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, so, the reason I wanted to go into all of that though, is I seriously thought about a foot fetish as just being, like, what they look like, like people lusting over your picture, and then, like, interacting with them, either on or about the face or in the mouth.

KYLE GETZ

Uh-huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

And I had always, in my head, sort of separated out these other things, like socks and shoes. I know that there’re fetishes for those things. I had not, like, put them in the umbrella of, like, feet. Or the smell, like the raunch aspect, the odor stuff, I had never really considered part of it either. But apparently- apparently it is. It’s all interrelated.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. You seem particularly surprised by the interaction with genitals portion of it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean-

KYLE GETZ

Oh my God.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, we have some- What? Oh, God, Mom, what are you doing? [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Mom is rubbing my feet with her feet. [Ma laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, great. That’s comfortable for everyone.

KYLE GETZ

I have no qualms. [all laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

A great moment for us all.

KYLE GETZ

This is normal.

MA JOHNSON

I just gave you some of my smell. [all laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh no.

KYLE GETZ

My feet thank you. [laughs] Some dude I hook up with next is gonna be like “…and a hint of mom?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh my God.

MA JOHNSON

Tasteful moulage.

KYLE GETZ

Tasteful ma-lage. Okay

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

We can talk more about our personal stuff later.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. I’ve never had somebody put their dick on my feet or nor have I put my dick on their feet.

KYLE GETZ

That’s funny, Mike, because recently-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah?

KYLE GETZ

-very recently-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah?

KYLE GETZ

-a dude-

MIKE JOHNSON

We could talk about personal stuff, but here we go. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I- It’s just relevant to this very moment.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Sure.

KYLE GETZ

Like, so I had trouble with the dude this week, that, um- It doesn’t matter. And he’s like, into feet stuff, and I’m always like, “Cool. I don’t know what to do. Like, I don’t get it. Not because I’m trying to shame you, I just don’t know what you want me to do.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

“Do you want me to like, put my toe in my mouth, or what do you want me to do?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. You can do that.

KYLE GETZ

Seductively. You can?

MIKE JOHNSON

I haven’t tried in a while.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Give it a shot, it’s fun.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

Do it now. [laughs] Um, and-

MIKE JOHNSON

I have a bad back, Kyle. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

And he took my feet, and he made a little cup out of it and stuck his dick through the hole.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. Intercrural.

KYLE GETZ

Like- Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah yeah! So I was like, I didn’t know that was going to happen, totally down, and I was like, “Oh, you can make a hole out of that!”

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Great.

KYLE GETZ

Your feet can become a hole if you work hard at it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Good timing! It’s like that dude planned it. Thanks…

MIKE JOHNSON

Thanks, dude!

KYLE GETZ

…whatever your name was. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Thanks, My- MyFeetMakeAHole32. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Um.

KYLE GETZ

Anyway.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, all of that counts, or is considered like highly related. So much so that, apparently – I know that you do data and I’m sorry that I’m gonna say a gayta thing, but – in a 1994 study, 45% of those with a foot fetish were found to be aroused by smelly socks or feet. [Ma gasps]

KYLE GETZ

I’m gonna go ahead and cross that off my list of things I need to talk about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which-

KYLE GETZ

Yes, very connected, which, I mean, makes sense.

MA JOHNSON

Seriously?

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, so, we- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I’m with you. I’m with you. It makes sense in a weird way that he can’t articulate or understand.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I mean, like, if you like feet, there are things that come along with feet, and it would make sense that you might be more likely to like those things as well.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yyyeah.

MA JOHNSON

Wouldn’t it be just a general all-around like stinky- ‘Cause if you like butt smell, or like, pussy smell… or like, feet smell…

KYLE GETZ

I sometimes forget that straight people exist, so I didn’t-

MA JOHNSON

If you like barnyard smell…

KYLE GETZ

Barnyard smell.

MA JOHNSON

If you like money smell… Oh yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

Which is really just all those other smells combined, because money is filthy. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Money equals feet plus pussy plus barn. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Weird math, brought to you by Gayish.

MIKE JOHNSON

There’s definitely some biological components to what’s happening here, just, the way that it’s been studied, like, there’s some theories about how people’s brains are wired that I’ll go into in just a little bit. But, uh, foot fetishes have been documented for a really long time. There’s a couple of erotic poems called “To a Barefoot Woman” and “To a Barefoot Boy” written by the ancient Greek writer Philostratus.

KYLE GETZ

I legit copied down the poem To a Barefoot Boy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Are you gonna read it later?

KYLE GETZ

Uh, either now or maybe on the Patreon segment.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, let’s do later. Let’s do later.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, so we will come back to that. The Hindu God Shiva was aroused by the sight of Parvati’s feet in the 8th century text Skanda Purana.

KYLE GETZ

Wow, it’s a religious thing too?

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a religious thing.

KYLE GETZ

Damn, foot fetish; didn’t know that was God incarnate.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Bertold of Regensburg, in 1220, made a reference to, like, being super-duper into feet. It’s just- It’s not a recent thing. A lot of people think it’s a recent thing, and some components of it are recent, and I’ll go into that, but it’s been around a long-ass time, and we’ve been aware of it and writing about it for a long-ass time.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm. It’s so funny to me that there’s a poem about, [Mike laughs] like, foot fetish.

MIKE JOHNSON

An ancient- An ancient Greek poem about foot fetishes? Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

For reals. Okay, so, there- It is problematic when you start talking about fetishes because often sometimes people ask the question, “Why or how did that happen?” with “That’s bad and I want to blame something,” and I want to be, like- I want to not yuck anybody’s yum, and I don’t want to cast shame, and I definitely want to talk about the theories of why people are like this.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yea- [chuckles] The phrase “why people are like this” is also-

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughing] Why you people are like this.

KYLE GETZ

No, no, no. I agree. I also am very interested in what makes these things happen. It’s interesting to learn about.

MA JOHNSON

‘Cause it’s my jam. My toe jam.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh…

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughing] Oh no.

KYLE GETZ

Noooo….

MA JOHNSON

You can cut that out. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

So, one of the first people to study fetishes was Freud, Sigmund Freud.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, God, I bet we’ve disproven everything he’s said.

MIKE JOHNSON

He believed that fetishes arose during early childhood. There are people that are still into that as a general idea.

KYLE GETZ

Hm. Maybe.

MIKE JOHNSON

He suggested that, when a child saw their mom’s genitals, they were shocked to find that their mother did not have a penis, leading to a fixation on objects or body parts that looked like penises. And in the case of foot fetishes, Freud’s theory states that they occur because a person perceives the foot or toes as a penis substitute.

KYLE GETZ

I had a guy that viewed toes as penis substitutes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah?

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Was that this week?

KYLE GETZ

Boop! [Mike laughs] Just a little “Boop!”

MIKE JOHNSON

Just right- Just right- right in the hole?

KYLE GETZ

Just right up… you know. That’s not true. [laughs] It’s hard to tell, right?

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know who you- I don’t know your life.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t either, sometimes.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean…

KYLE GETZ

Okay, Freud. Everything’s a penis, guys.

MIKE JOHNSON

With Freud, everything’s a penis, and that includes feet apparently, in his, like, view of foot fetishism.

KYLE GETZ

We have the rare opportunity where your mom is right here.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

How do y’all feel about Freud’s theories of so much about your mom is based on lack of a penis. [chuckles]

MA JOHNSON

Who is this? [Mike laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Who are you? Why are you here?

MA JOHNSON

Who are you, again?

KYLE GETZ

Are you talking to me?

MA JOHNSON

When did you land?

MA JOHNSON

So, when the baby’s born you count the appendages, right? I think that, because they’re so cute and tiny and cute, I think there is like a fixation from the parent aspect.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, other way a little bit.

MA JOHNSON

Like, cute little tiny feet, little- You know? And then watching the progression of them, you know, grow into walk-hood.

MIKE JOHNSON

I have definitely, like, this-little-piggy-went-to-market-ed an infant baby before and thought to myself, “I wonder if I’m fucking this kid up.” [Kyle laughs]

MA JOHNSON

Exactly. Exactly. Yea, no, you did. You are solely responsible. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Fuck that kid. This-little-piggy-ing- Especially the one that got left behind, or whatever the fuck the story goes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

But, I think that because through history certain parts of- body parts were exposed and not exposed?

MIKE JOHNSON

Mhm.

MA JOHNSON

So I think bare feet, feet… Maybe there was some sort of fantasy imagination about “Okay, what’s the rest of that look like?” kind of situation, and then, you know, just narrowmindedness, basically. If you can’t expand your world into upper body parts, you’re stuck at the feet.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, wow. Bold stance on people that are into feet. Have you thought about the rest of the body? [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MA JOHNSON

Not really. I just- I- You know. I have my moments, but [Ma and Kyle chuckle] I would think more hand fetish appendages than feet.

KYLE GETZ

Oohh, I don’t- Foot fetish is – or interests or whatever – is the top, like, sexual interests.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So, um, it’s- But you’re right, hands can do a little bit more, sexually, so that’s interesting that we don’t talk about hand fetishes.

MA JOHNSON

Are there?

KYLE GETZ

I mean, surely if it’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, there are. Sure.

KYLE GETZ

Surely there is, but-

MA JOHNSON

Well I know, but it’s not as kink- ‘Cause today when I was doing my research – haha, for the podcast – um, that foot fetish is a huge- like, up in the number one-ish two-ish isn’t it? As far as kink for straight people, or, you know, whatever. So…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

Which is very interesting to me because holy crap-oly [Kyle laughs] there’s a lot going on when you’re walking through the whatever without shoes or with shoes or whatever. There’s a lot of not good stuff that lands down there, so I don’t understand.

KYLE GETZ

That’s part of the thing I didn’t know, and I guess I didn’t research this so I don’t know the answer, is like- And, okay, everyone has different interests. So, you described a lots of different things people can like about feet. I didn’t know- I was like, “Do you want me to wash my feet before we come over? Do you want me to not wash it?” That’s where I just need help on knowing what to do, and-

MA JOHNSON

And Jesus symbolism of washing the feet. Mary, you go girl!

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Jumping well ahead, but there are- there are some safety risks, according to healthline.com, to foot fetish play.

MA JOHNSON

Five second rule! [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

And particularly when you don’t, like, clean up first, and- But first, STIs. Some STIs are passed through genital contact, but others can be shared by rubbing skin on skin, and feet have been implicated. Genital and oral herpes, HPV, and syphilis can all be spread through contact with skin and potentially feet, especially because of the moisture involved. Skin infections, molluscum contagiosum is a skin infection that causes lesions or raised bumps, can be shared through skin to skin contact. Impetigo is a highly contagious skin infection. Fungal infections, like athlete’s foot, can also be shared through contact with infected skin or even shoes a person with an infection wore. And cuts, sharp toenails can cut delicate skin around sensitive areas.

KYLE GETZ

Ah.

MA JOHNSON

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Keep toenails trimmed and clean, and ask your partner to do the same if you anticipate getting your feet involved in the action.

MA JOHNSON

And what about pinworms?

KYLE GETZ

What about pinworm- Let’s talk about pinworms. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

They don’t write, they don’t call. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Jesus.

KYLE GETZ

I mean- Okay, all the things you described as, like, skin-to-skin contact though; you’re doing- feet or not, you’re doing a lot of that stuff anyway, so the additional risk of getting your feet involved, it doesn’t seem that high to me.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. I’m with you. I agree.

KYLE GETZ

So I mean- Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I think that was also- That particular section was in response to the idea that it’s without risks as a just foot stuff only and nothing else.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. I mean, what in life is zero risk though, you know?

MIKE JOHNSON

Right. Exactly. Exactly.

MA JOHNSON

My vagina, apparently, because I’ve got serious atrophy. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, so, speaking about STIs, there are- there was some research that was done that hypothesizes that foot fetishism increases as a response to epidemics of STIs. And that- It kind of goes back to what you guys were talking about, of like, “Have you considered the whole body?” Sometimes people do consider the whole body, and it is dirty, bad, wrong, disease potential, and so they- those feelings get shifted to the feet because it’s not the rest of the body. So like, a couple of examples: there was a increased interest in feet as sexual objects during the great gonorrhea epidemic of the 12th century in Europe, and then the syphilis epidemics of the 16th and 19th centuries in Europe. And in the same study, they found that foot fetish depictions in porn was measured over a 30-year interval, and they noticed an exponential increase during the period of the current AIDS epidemic, and in all of these cases it’s believed that it’s because sexual foot play was viewed as a safe sex alternative. So people tried it and got into it because other kinds of sex were- were not okay.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. They were like “We can’t do the sex stuff, or that’s riskier, so let’s get our bingo card of other options and, hey, feet seems good.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

But the condom still tastes the same on the foot or on the penis. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

God.

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely true.

KYLE GETZ

You need 10 condoms every time. So fucking frustrating.

MIKE JOHNSON

Then I found a thing. I don’t know- I don’t know how it fits in here, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, that’s what he said.

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s what he said. Um, there’s another hypothesis about fetishes and foot fetishes, that they occur due to learning that being attracted to feet leads to a reward of some kind.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Research suggests that people can link typically non-erotic objects or body parts to arousal through positive feedback, and even monetary prizes. They- There was a study that took people and they exposed them to fetishized material that they were like, kind of just a little into, and then paid them cash money, and observed that they got even more into it [laughs] over time, which I thought was interesting. Um- What?

KYLE GETZ

I don’t understand. Who’s getting monetary rewards other than the women of wikifeet.com? Like, who’s making money off of feet? Who’s getting rewards?

MIKE JOHNSON

The subjects of the study.

KYLE GETZ

No, I get that. But as a bigger representation, you said people are- might be into it because they’re getting rewards of some kind. What rewards are people getting?

MIKE JOHNSON

Y-Yeah. The other- I mean, it’s always sex, money, or power, right? Like, that’s the-

KYLE GETZ

But they’re not like- No one’s being like, “Oh, you’re into- I’m into feet. You’re into feet? Cool. Here’s 10 bucks and let’s do good sex.” I don’t know. I don’t understand that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. I will have to ask these people.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

So the part of the fetish- I’m just thinking, my feet are hideous right now. I would die if someone wanted to look at my feet, even.

KYLE GETZ

Something that people have said about just body type or attractiveness, is people say, especially if someone thinks they are not attractive- Well, you are not your type if you don’t think you’re attractive. Other people- You may be other people’s type. That could be the same thing for feet.

MA JOHNSON

True!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Maybe your feet are not your type.

MA JOHNSON

That’s right.

KYLE GETZ

Maybe your feet are perfect for someone else.

MA JOHNSON

I’m thinking bunion city is where somebody wants to go, all day.

KYLE GETZ

You want to camp out in bunion city? I got a tent for ya. [Mike laughs]

MA JOHNSON

Yeah. Oh yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I will wrap this segment up, of talking about the, like, where we’ve arrived with research and all of that. And, a lot of fetishes have not been studied because they’re not problems. And, so, if it’s fine and not hurting anybody, and everybody’s just having fun, then there’s not a lot of reason to go into it and figure it out. Now, this is an extreme example, but somebody was trying to articulate, like, what does it take for it to be studied? And this paper, it’s called “Sexuality in the 21st century: Leather or rubber? Fetishism explained”. But I loved this paragraph in the abstract; “Fetishism, although not so rare, is often not seen in clinical conditions,” just like we were saying, like, people don’t get treatment for it if it’s fine, “On such occasions, patients are referred to clinics as a referral from the courts consequent to criminal or illegal activity. Cases who are sexually turned on by inanimate objects may fall foul of the law in a number of ways.”

MA JOHNSON

What!?

MIKE JOHNSON

“In the UK, in early October 2015, a man was arrested for having had sex with 450 tractors. According to the news report, he was found to have over 5000 tractor images on his laptop. He had a special desire for John Deere and Massey Ferguson tractors, particularly the green ones. He was into axle grease, which apparently turned him on sexually. He was placed on the Sexual Offenders’ Register.” That is how they then got to study his particular fetish, and-

MA JOHNSON

That’s bullshit!

MIKE JOHNSON

What? What part?

MA JOHNSON

That’s all bullshit. All of it!

MIKE JOHNSON

You don’t think a man fucked tractor?

MA JOHNSON

Did he hurt- Did he hurt a tractor? Did he ever hurt a tractor?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, I was thinking that. Like-

MA JOHNSON

Did he tarnish the- Did he like… the paint?

KYLE GETZ

Maybe it was like someone else’s tractor, you know?

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, well…

MIKE JOHNSON

I- I think that that’s a great question. The Daily Star headline in the UK was “Perv who romped with 450 TRACTORS caught with 5,000 racy pics of farming vehicles”. I don’t know- But-

MA JOHNSON

Yeah. It could have been the farmers calendar for the, you know.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, they do the firemen, or bodybuilders, or the whatever. He could’ve maybe just thought he would- like, was doing a calendar shoot.

KYLE GETZ

There’s something there that I think, when people talk about there needs to be some kind of issue, they tend to- clearly criminal activity, whether we agree with the underlying cause, is one of those, or when it causes physical harm I think is what people prioritize, which I think diminishes the mental harm that being judged for- A value in studying foot fetish, or fetishes, is to normalize it and say, “Hey, did you know actually a shit ton of people are into feet? You’re not weird. You’re fine.” I think there’s a big mental value to reminding people that you’re just like everyone else, and you’re fine, and whatever. I just think that approach to disorders-

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, but if it’s normal it’s not kinky anymore, so it’s not exciting, right?

KYLE GETZ

Mmm, that’s true. The paradox of kink acceptance.

MIKE JOHNSON

Also…

MA JOHNSON

Dun dun dun.

MIKE JOHNSON

…this is amazing to me.

KYLE GETZ

Uh-huh?

MIKE JOHNSON

I got that from… it’s a medical journal on PubMed. It’s, uh, the National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnology Information, and they then linked to a article that says that Mom is right; the whole thing was bullshit. It never happened, [Kyle gasps] and yet it made it into this journal.

KYLE GETZ

Wowww.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, yeah, cite your sources, everybody. Check your sources. A man did not fuck those tractors.

MA JOHNSON

He was into horses, not tractors! [Kyle laughs] We know about that guy.

MIKE JOHNSON

But talking about kink shaming, that’s-

KYLE GETZ

That adds fuel to the-

MIKE JOHNSON

But that also is, like, why that story spreads like wildfire, right? Like, why it reaches critical mass where it ends up in an academic journal, because some part of us wants to kink shame him, right? And, anyway, I’m fascinated by the fact that that was-

MA JOHNSON

And we like the red tractors as much as we like the green tractors.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, that seems unfair.

MA JOHNSON

That’s horrible.

KYLE GETZ

That’s horrible. That’s offensive. [chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, talk to me about some gayta, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, I have some gayta, and I’m gonna talk to you about it. So, there was a 2018 study called “Tell Me What You Want”, by-

MIKE JOHNSON

What you really, really want?

MA JOHNSON

Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm, by Sposh Spice.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’ll tell you what I want.

KYLE GETZ

Um, and doctor- It was by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, and… Dr. Justin Lehmiller interviewed 4175 people about various fetishes, and here is the data on foot fetishes: 14% of people had a fantasy about feet.

MIKE JOHNSON

14%? Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Alright.

KYLE GETZ

And 5% have a foot fetish. So the level- You know, that’s a higher level of bar than just a fantasy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, and-

MIKE JOHNSON

I-

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

Which is interesting. I dunno.

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, what’s- what’s a fetish, but a fantasy that’s not turned into a hobby? [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MA JOHNSON

And how many podiatrists and pedi and mani people are in that?

KYLE GETZ

I wonder. That-

MA JOHNSON

You know?

KYLE GETZ

That would be almost a dangerous career path if you’re super into that, because you just be like “Ohh, look at this piggies… [makes pig sounds]” [Ma and Mike laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

I want to- I want to fix ‘em! [laughs]

MA JOHNSON

I want to polish them!

KYLE GETZ

“Fetish” has a- I thought you were gonna- “Fetish” has an increased definition for it to be a fetish. It has to be kind of- I don’t- I guess I don’t need to guess. Like, a fantasy is not- Just having a fantasy about a thing does not make it a fetish. A fetish, I think, is more intense, or specific, or something.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

And, we do have the breakdown by gender and orientation.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Great.

KYLE GETZ

So, take a guess, men versus women. Sorry, nonbinary people, no one studies you, I can’t do about that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Dudes.

MA JOHNSON

Dudes.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [chuckles] Yeah, okay.

MA JOHNSON

Totally.

KYLE GETZ

Correct! [Mike and Kyle laugh] Uh, and queer versus non-queer, who has more foot fetish?

MA JOHNSON

Non.

MIKE JOHNSON

Gays.

KYLE GETZ

Non, and gays. Uh, Mike is correct.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It’s the queers that- Uh, so, 21%.

MIKE JOHNSON

How much of that is the phenomenon we’ve talked about a whole bunch of times, of like, when you’re gay you already have permission to do stuff that’s outside of mainstream, acceptable sex?

KYLE GETZ

I was thinking- Yes. Another thing I was thinking, that I think applies to this – anytime we talked about that scenario – is you’ve also had to do some self-exploration. And so, I think there’s something there as well, is “I’ve reflected on myself, my wants, needs, desires, who I am,” and I think being queer is one of the paths that, unfortunately, you sometimes are forced to do, but I think that could be another thing that helps you understand yourself.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m with you.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, 21- Going from highest to lowest, 21% of gay and bisexual men have ever had a foot fantasy, versus 18% – so, three percentage points lower – of straight men.

MIKE JOHNSON

Is that what the Mariah Carey song is about?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, I think so.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep. [singing] Just a foot, foot fantasy baby.

MIKE JOHNSON

Thank you for singing, because I can’t.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, no problem.

MA JOHNSON

[singing] All I really want for Christmas- [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

[singing] Is your little toes on my dick.

MA JOHNSON

[singing] is your big foot in me. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Big foot in me… Big foot me! Um, and then compared to- For women, 11% of lesbian and bisexual women. So, the difference between gay and straight men is three percentage points.

MIKE JOHNSON

About four beers. [all laugh]

MA JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But then it drops down significantly to 11% of lesbian and bisexual women have had a foot fantasy, and then 5% – so less than half – of heterosexual women. So it is just far less away- a heterosexual woman thing.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow. You- No argument from you?

MA JOHNSON

Well, unless you tie me up. [all laugh] Then I’ll love whatever you want me to.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MA JOHNSON

Oh yeah, Daddy. Love those toes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, God. Okay, we’re done with this segment now. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Let’s keep exploring this. Uh, that’s the gayta!

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Do we want to do Ma Johnson’s segment?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

Do we?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

We- I definitely do.

MA JOHNSON

Doo-da doo-wa. Or do we want to take a break? Because I need a drink. [Ma and Mike laugh]

KYLE GETZ

We can take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Well…

KYLE GETZ

Unofficial.

MIKE JOHNSON

An unofficial break?

KYLE GETZ

It’s just gonna be a quiet…

[Silent audio cut]

KYLE GETZ

Ma Johnson, what do you have for us?

MA JOHNSON

Well, I- It was a big, busy day flying over here. Boy, my arms are tired.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm, mhm.

MA JOHNSON

Um, and Michael picked me up at the gate 16 or whatever, and we went- we couldn’t go to Biscuit Bitch, because they were- too much of a line. But we did go to a fabulous restaurant, and the soup of the day was Red Bull and vodka. [Kyle laughs] So yeah. Where did we go, Tito’s?

MIKE JOHNSON

Poquitos. We went to Poquitos.

MA JOHNSON

Poquitos.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Tito’s just the vodka.

MA JOHNSON

Like, little- Little TT’s. Little Poquito TT’s. Um, anyway, so when I got my, you know, unpacking, etc., etc., figured out, I looked up slang words for feet.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MA JOHNSON

In alphabetical order.

KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, sure.

MA JOHNSON

Okay, here’s a good one: “dog meat”.

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

“Dog meat”?

MA JOHNSON

“Dog’s meat”, yes.

KYLE GETZ

What?

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause the dog is all the way down there, and it-

KYLE GETZ

Ohhhhh, and it’s lickin’ meat!

MA JOHNSON

“My dogs are barkin’!”

KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON

Ohhh.

KYLE GETZ

I was thinking my dog licks my feet.

MIKE JOHNSON

I was thinking your dog licks your feet.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. [laughs]

MA JOHNSON

And then neighbor, and then you take ‘em both out for- to poop. Um, yeah, it’s like the old rhyming slang in rural America that refers to feet, “My dog’s meat are achin’ so bad, I need more comfortable shoes.” Yeah, “My dogs are barking,” that’s kind of a one.

KYLE GETZ

I heard that one, not the other one.

MA JOHNSON

That’s from Cheers.

KYLE GETZ

Ohh.

MA JOHNSON

“Foot bottom”, ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

MA JOHNSON

I didn’t know that was in there.

MIKE JOHNSON

That was- That was Kyle just last week!

KYLE GETZ

A foot bottom?! Yeah, I guess- I guess-

MA JOHNSON

Jamaica, mon! Oh, a Jamaican slang for soles of the feet. “My mother deserves some spa treatment to help remove the calluses on her foot bottom,” and that’s bullshit. “Footgasm”, now that’s a good one. [Kyle laughs] Uh, my feet make a hole. “A sensation of extreme relief, relaxation, and bliss coming from a good foot rub or massage.” Yeah. “Important”-

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, are you into having your feet rubbed?

MA JOHNSON

You know, I- Ah… Mmm… I will- I will rub feet.

MIKE JOHNSON

Kyle, are you?

MA JOHNSON

I mean, I don’t have- But, here’s the thing, you have to have like a volunteer, or an agreeable counterpart right?

KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

But I do enjoy a pedicure, but not for that reason. But just because it’s part of it, I think “Oh, that’s really relaxing and nice,” but…

KYLE GETZ

I like my- I like foot rubs, but also I’m like- My feet, I think, are kind of weird looking, so I don’t know.

MA JOHNSON

What?

KYLE GETZ

That’s one of those self-conscious things that I might not do as much as…

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, well…

KYLE GETZ

Do you like your feet rubbed?

MIKE JOHNSON

Like- I also like a pedicure from time to time, but not because of the rubbing of the feet. I just like to get my Fritos shortened every now and then. [Kyle chuckles]

MA JOHNSON

That’s right.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, I like- I like- I don’t know. I don’t know that I’ve ever had, like-

MA JOHNSON

It’s kind of like a, just a person- just a human touch- human skin-to-skin kind of thing.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. You’ve never had someone rub your feet?

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t think so.

MA JOHNSON

Oh yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You- Like, you’re on the couch and you put your feet up, and then you’re like, “Rub them.”

MA JOHNSON

Oh, they’re- It’s great.

MIKE JOHNSON

No, not really. No.

KYLE GETZ

Really?

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, true.

MIKE JOHNSON

But I have gotten a massage before, but by the time they get to my feet I’m already asleep.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. I’m- Just, whatever next partner you have, just like, one time just be like, “I’ve never had this.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Great.

KYLE GETZ

“Do my feet.”

MA JOHNSON

And you could do it without protection. You could take your socks off, it’s fine. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

If you want to risk it.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, risk it. Okay, another one: “Hoof” or “hooves”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

And, you know, it’s pretty- pretty straightforward, basic. You’re a horse. Yeah. We’re gonna go to Hopalong Cassidy, which everybody here-

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] What?

MA JOHNSON

Hopalong Cassidy. Your way- You’re- Like, your grandparents don’t even remember this dude. It’s an old cowboy character, yada yada, but it’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s not Butch Cassidy?

MA JOHNSON

No, no Sundancin’ here, buddy.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Alright.

MA JOHNSON

No.

KYLE GETZ

I’ve never heard this.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, it’s very- Probably silent movies. I don’t know. So, somebody with an injured foot or leg, you know, is a hopalong.

KYLE GETZ

Ohh.

MA JOHNSON

Like, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

Got it.

MA JOHNSON

“Las”- Another Mexican one, I think. Kyle?

KYLE GETZ

“Las Patrullas”.

MA JOHNSON

“Patrullas”.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Las Patrullas”.

MA JOHNSON

Lots of Ls with- that are Ys really.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Spanish one.

MA JOHNSON

Um, literally translates to “Officers on the beat”, so they’re talking about Mexican slang for foot, feet legs, but it would be pertinent to, like, an officer on the beat sort of thing.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, like feet on the ground.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I like the idea of calling your toes cops, because you can just walk all over them.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] All toes are bastards.

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] All toes are bastards.

MA JOHNSON

“Plates of meat”, Cockney.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh yeah.

MA JOHNSON

[in a Scottish accent] You fuck one goat. Um, rhyming slang for feet.

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t know if that is Cockney rhyming slang, but cockney rhyming slang is usually the first part of a phrase that rhymes with the thing that you’re actually talking about, so they would refer to their feet as “plates”, because “plates of meat”, “meat rhymes with “feet” so therefore feet are “plates”. Anyway, go ahead.

MA JOHNSON

It’s a bad day to be in Ireland and smoke crack. I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t- Correct me if I’m wrong, y’all that’s out there, but that’s what I know about Cockney rhyming slang.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, y’all. Here we go. Cock-ney. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Putting the “cock” in “Cockney”.

MA JOHNSON

Cock on the knee in the feet.

MIKE JOHNSON

If it’s down to your knee, call me. [laughs]

MA JOHNSON

[clears throat] Woo-oo! “Popcorn.”

MIKE JOHNSON

“Popcorn.”

MA JOHNSON

Yeah. “A gross reference to” – oh, good – to “thick calluses on the feet that look like popcorn.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Eugh, God.

KYLE GETZ

Wow, interesting.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, then we’re gonna go to “tootsies”. We know that one.

KYLE GETZ

Uh-huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

My favorite movie about a drag queen.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm, mhm, mhm.

MA JOHNSON

That’s right. “This slang is used to substitute toes and feet in a common setting.” And “uggies”.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Uggies”.

KYLE GETZ

“Uggies”? That’s mean.

MA JOHNSON

“Australian slang for something that keeps the feet warm,” so UGGs or very expensive boots, whatever.

MIKE JOHNSON

So you can say you have uggo uggies?

MA JOHNSON

Ah, ugly uggies!

KYLE GETZ

Ah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MA JOHNSON

Uggos. Yeah. “Wrap-up”, “Hey! Congrats!” Oh, no, that’s the wrap-up.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. [laughs]

MA JOHNSON

That’s all. So there you go. I don’t know how many that really was, but, um, there you go.

KYLE GETZ

Some of those I’ve never heard of.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, me neither.

MA JOHNSON

Me too.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s funny, because we have so many like- Like, how many words are there for dick? There’s like four fucking million of them. Or vaginas, for that matter?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But like-

KYLE GETZ

None of those were as common. Like, that’s not a-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, but feet. Like, I can’t think of, like, anything that you regularly-

MA JOHNSON

“My dogs”.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Dogs”, yeah. “My dogs are barking,” but like, that’s kind of it, right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Huh.

KYLE GETZ

We care less about-

MA JOHNSON

Sapatas?

KYLE GETZ

Sapapas.

MA JOHNSON

“-patas.” Yeah. Alright. So let’s go on to the next segment of-

KYLE GETZ

That you, Mike?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, I- I-

MA JOHNSON

Where’s my penis definition?

MIKE JOHNSON

We can do this really quickly.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, this- this isn’t- This isn’t gonna be a lengthy segment, but- Uh, reflexology is the idea that foot massage, or, alternatively, hand massage, can specifically help parts of your body in a mapping kind of way.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah! Yeah. I always was dubious, like, “Yeah, you press your palm in this one spot, and that’ll make it so your headache goes away,” or “That’ll manifest gloryholes,” or whatever.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes. Yeah, that is- That is reflexology, yeah. So, it’s the idea that, like, every part of your body has a place on the bottom of your foot that corresponds to it, and that you can restore balance and solve problems in that other area by massaging that proxy area on the bottom of your foot, or, again, on the palm of your hand. It’s- There’s like- Apparently, reflexologist believe that there’s an energy field – or Qi – that is being blocked that can prevent healing, and so then that’s like, you gotta, like, get your Qi going. I don’t know. It’s just- The whole idea is really fascinating to me, because it’s been around for a really long time. It was brought to the United States in 1913 by William Fitzgerald, MD, and he showed that there were a bunch of, like, historical traditions that had elements of reflexology. But he- He’s one of the first came up with this idea that it could have an analgesic effect, or an anesthetic effect, that you could- they could get rid of a headache by squeezing right here or also on the bottom of your foot.

KYLE GETZ

This sounds like a chiropractor, is like, it could sound medical and like it’s real but it’s not actually. This is giving me those vibes, but maybe that’s just because I’m judgy.

MA JOHNSON

So it’s just like a sort of- a, um, acupuncture-ish sort of a-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Although, it amazes me that they fucking pay for acupuncture. Insurance pays for acupuncture.

MA JOHNSON

I love the poke. [chuckles] No.

MIKE JOHNSON

It should be said: there is no convincing scientific evidence-

KYLE GETZ

Okay, there-

MIKE JOHNSON

-that reflexology is effective for any medical care.

KYLE GETZ

There it is.

MA JOHNSON

There it is.

KYLE GETZ

Once you started talking about energy fields or whatever, I was like “Yeah, I think I might be out.”

MA JOHNSON

Quantum bullshit. [All laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

But I was fascinated with the idea when I was a kid, and mom’s dad actually – Grandpa Bob – gave me a book on reflexology, and for a little period of time there there was a young Mike Johnson that was running around going like “Oh, my throat hurts, I’m gonna rub my” – you know – “sole,” or- I don’t- Anyway. Anyway, that’s reflexology it’s just the whole idea that, like, your feet are magic and you can fix your sinusitis by rubbing your big toe.

MA JOHNSON

That’s why we pick our nose… with our foot. [Kyle laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I don’t think I could. Um, okay, so-

MA JOHNSON

Watch this! Hold my beer!

KYLE GETZ

I have a couple things I have not- There’s was a poem, I have some top sexual fantasy things, but I think what I’m gonna wrap- I’ll do those in Patreon.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

What I want to wrap it up with is foot tapping. [Ma gasps]

MIKE JOHNSON

Foot tapping. Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

Is that like this? [taps]

KYLE GETZ

Or is that just, like, the phenom-

KYLE GETZ

Nope. It’s the- The phenomenon of what, Mike?

MIKE JOHNSON

Of, like, the moving- Jumping your leg up and down by tapping your foot?

KYLE GETZ

Nooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh! Oh, no, this is how Senator Larry Craig ended up getting kicked out of Congress.

MA JOHNSON

Ohhh, like, in the stalls.

KYLE GETZ

There it is.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

Better memorize the shoe type when you see him outside the john. [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

I, legit, sometimes will sit crooked on a public toilet because I don’t want them to even see my feet and think I’m tapping at them.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm. I will tell you the process, so that you don’t accidentally do this. It is not just, you put your foot there and it might be mistaken and now you’re in-

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, is this like when you teach your dog when to bark so that it doesn’t bark at other times?

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

But you won’t- But also, you won’t- My dog sometimes barks at random things. You will not accidentally do this.

MA JOHNSON

Okay.

MA JOHNSON

Pavlov involved in this tapping?

KYLE GETZ

Well- Pavlov’s foot. [chuckles] That’s a weird fetish. Okay. Most of what I’m about to tell you was from an article on MEL Magazine by Jake Hall, and what we’re talking about is called “tapping”, for those that don’t know. There is a thing where, underneath bathroom stalls, you can tap your feet and do a specific thing to know- to signal to people that you want to, like, get down sexually with them.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

And part of the reason-

MIKE JOHNSON

In the stall?

KYLE GETZ

In the stall, through the stall, you know.

MIKE JOHNSON

I always assume that means, like, one of us is gonna put our dick under the thing into the other stall, but like, that’s it? Like a glory hole situation but very low to the ground?

KYLE GETZ

Yes. Yes, but the glory hole is a long stretch [Mike laughs] of open space at the bottom of the thing. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Or there’s also, you can present your ass.

MA JOHNSON

Or you can present your feet that make a hole.

KYLE GETZ

Or- Oh yeah, that’s a risk. Do like a little-

MIKE JOHNSON

Ohh.

KYLE GETZ

What?

MA JOHNSON

Mind blown.

KYLE GETZ

Yea, that you can, like, put your ass out?

MIKE JOHNSON

Dick blown. No, all of this.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, all of this.

MIKE JOHNSON

All of this.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, great-

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, first, the journey I went on-

KYLE GETZ

Uh-huh?

MIKE JOHNSON

-was first I was like, “Could I get my hole down there? I don’t know. Am I willing to try? Nope, maybe for science?” And then- And then- And then I was like- And then Mom said the thing that she said. I was like “Oh my god, take your socks or shoes off and put your foot vagina under the hole.” Like, that’s-

KYLE GETZ

Ohh. That’s a risk. That’s a “Boy, I hope you’re one of those 10% of people that are into this.”

MIKE JOHNSON

God, the poor custodian, like, just wants to clean the bathroom, and rolls in there like-

KYLE GETZ

I mean, “custodian” is what I call my tongue.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

MA JOHNSON

Mm.

KYLE GETZ

It’s gonna clean that shit up.

MIKE JOHNSON

Let us know if you’re into that, everybody.

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Um… [Ma laughs] Okay, one of the reasons it originated is because gay sex was criminalized, so gay men specifically have to find other places to do this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

It- One of the-

MIKE JOHNSON

Just like life in Jurassic Park, gays will find a way.

KYLE GETZ

Gays always find a way, for sure. An early example: in 1964, LBJ’s a Walter Jenkins was arrested for soliciting sex in the men’s room of a Washington YMCA.

MIKE JOHNSON

Apparently LBJ had a giant penis and would show people all the time.

KYLE GETZ

Ohh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, in the White House.

KYLE GETZ

Putting the J in LBJ. Putting the BJ in LBJ? No, never mind. Come back to me.

MA JOHNSON

Marilyn.

MIKE JOHNSON

Derek, look that one up!

MA JOHNSON

Look it up!

MIKE JOHNSON

Am I making that up? Is there a different president?

MA JOHNSON

JF Fuck. K.

MIKE JOHNSON

I think it’s- I think it was LBJ.

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Um, so, restroom hotspots are, in the UK, called “cottages”, in the US are called “tea rooms.”

MIKE JOHNSON

I’ve heard it called “cottaging” before, and like-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yep. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

-that just makes me think of cottage cheese, which I’m-

KYLE GETZ

I don’t love it.

MA JOHNSON

Fromunda. Fromunda, right? Like cottage cheese?

MIKE JOHNSON

Fromunda?

MA JOHNSON

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Fromunda cheese? Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, I don’t love that name. Okay, [Mike laughs] and here is the process.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. Step one.

KYLE GETZ

Step one: gay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Cut a hole in a box. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Um, you tend to pick the furthest stall from the door. Some people do this strategic; if it’s an airport they’ll put their bags down kind of in front of the door to block a little bit of the view from other people.

MIKE JOHNSON

A privacy curtain made of luggage, sure. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Yep. Yep, yep. Uh- Us gays are nothing if not resourceful.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, you pull your pants and underwear all the way down around your ankles to the ground.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

And you-

MIKE JOHNSON

You don’t? [laughs]

MA JOHNSON

Everyday. Hello?

KYLE GETZ

Do you pull your pants all the way down?

MIKE JOHNSON

If I’m gonna shit.

KYLE GETZ

But like, I don’t put them all the way to the ground!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes!

KYLE GETZ

You do!?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes!

KYLE GETZ

Okay, that’s-

MA JOHNSON

Do I?

KYLE GETZ

You’re looking at me like I’m the weird one. You’re the weird one.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, weigh in, everybody. Like, I- Yes, I-

KYLE GETZ

Not all- You, like, pull them down enough, like to your legs, but you don’t put them around your ankles.

MIKE JOHNSON

All the way down. All the way down.

KYLE GETZ

Why? What do you need that much leg breathing room for?

MIKE JOHNSON

You don’t know my process, Kyle. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I don’t- I didn’t want to, but here we are.

MA JOHNSON

It’s way better than he was little, walk into somebody’s house and just strip naked.

MIKE JOHNSON

Because my- my massive, giant cock and balls is in the way if I don’t have- if I can’t spread my knees apart far enough to make room for them.

KYLE GETZ

O- Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

And the only way to accomplish that is to put my trousers on the floor.

MA JOHNSON

Unless there’s a Squatty Potty. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Ma Johnson, when you go into a stall do you take your- do you put your pants all the way down around your ankles?

MA JOHNSON

Girls are way hell no different. No.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, so you say no. You- Yeah. Okay, Mike’s the weird one. Cool.

MA JOHNSON

Do you guys put the paper toilet liner-

MIKE JOHNSON

No, that’s the dumbest invention.

KYLE GETZ

Nooo.

MA JOHNSON

That’s bullshit, isn’t it?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I just, like, give it a little wipe usually.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, I know.

KYLE GETZ

We’re not talking about that, even though Mike’s weird and all.

MA JOHNSON

Don’t cover up your shoes with your pants and underpants, right?

KYLE GETZ

Well, you need- Your- You need your shoe or foot to be free, because the next step is put it a little bit over so the other person can see, and tap. You start slowly. The other person will tap, and they’ll- you’ll go-

MIKE JOHNSON

Tap once? Tap, like, SOS? Tap-

MA JOHNSON

Like [taps].

KYLE GETZ

Um. There is this theory that historians – gay historians – have not validated, or, in this article they were like “I asked three people, and these gay historians have never heard this, but, you know, some things are lost a time,” blah, blah, blah. But anyway, one theory was you tap 4-2-9, which spells “gay” if you’re hitting it on a phone pad.

MIKE JOHNSON

Nobody can count to nine in a public bathroom. [Kyle laughs]

MA JOHNSON

What? Morse code. No. No.

KYLE GETZ

If you’re in a public bathroom you can’t count to nine. That’s too much for you, you got poop on the brain. Um, so, then, after the-

MIKE JOHNSON

Must be poop on the brain.

KYLE GETZ

I was thinking that, and didn’t do it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, good. Yeah. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Uh, then you graze your feet.

MA JOHNSON

What’s a graze? What?

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, rub them together like you’re a cricket? [Ma gasps and makes cricket sound]

KYLE GETZ

But like, I don’t think you go like [makes a rambunctious cricket sound]. I think you- Because all of this is- You gotta make it seem like it could be innocent. So you’re gonna graze first. You’re gonna pass it by.

MA JOHNSON

I wanna see you do a video of this one.

KYLE GETZ

I wanna see me do a video of this.

MA JOHNSON

I know, right?

MIKE JOHNSON

Rub your feet together, but make it sexy, but make it casual.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

No, no, no, not- Don’t rub your own feet together. You’re grazing their foot.

MIKE JOHNSON

See? I’m glad we clarified. I would have been, like, [laughing] rubbing my feet together like a weirdo.

KYLE GETZ

Mike, you’re just like- [Ma makes a cricket sound] Well, you can’t because your pants around your ankles. You don’t have the foot dexterity because you got rubber bands around your-

MIKE JOHNSON

Just to spite you, I’m gonna take everything off and hang them up on the hook. [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know why I’m so angry- I don’t know why I’m so angry at this.

KYLE GETZ

Then you wave your hand under the stall.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

Some people, when they do this, will ensure their wedding ring is visible.

MA JOHNSON

Is there a white flag on that, like a toilet paper? Waving that shit?

KYLE GETZ

I surrender to our sexuality.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh God.

KYLE GETZ

Then- So, all of this is to- So, like, many of these steps-

MIKE JOHNSON

Why is that step necessary if you’ve gotten to the “we’re playing footsie”, isn’t, like, we’re already clear what’s happening?

KYLE GETZ

All of this is “Let me be sure that I know it’s happening, in a plausible deniability kind of way.” So, if I graze your foot, that could have been an accident.

MIKE JOHNSON

No, it could not have! But go ahead. Go ahead.

MA JOHNSON

No.

KYLE GETZ

Yes. Yes it could! I could move my foot and it accidentally touches-

MA JOHNSON

You know what is not an accident?

KYLE GETZ

What?

MA JOHNSON

You kick into Adele. [singing] Hello, this is me. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

If you sing that from your stall you definitely want to get fucked. [all laugh]

MA JOHNSON

You’re definitely- Definitely.

KYLE GETZ

Um, so then you wave your hand, then you- This is where you present your dick or ass, or it said “The other option is then you wave your hand to say ‘No, you go first.’”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. [chuckles] Do the “come here” gesture.

MA JOHNSON

Red Rover.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MA JOHNSON

Red Rover.

KYLE GETZ

So, okay, that’s the process, and, like you said, one of the most notable times this happened Larry Craig, a Republican, in 2007 was-

MIKE JOHNSON

From Idaho? Is that where he was from? I think so. Anyway, go on.

MA JOHNSON

Probably ho-ing it, probably.

KYLE GETZ

I was gonna say, he is da ho, but in the bathroom. No judgement, hashtag-

MA JOHNSON

Could you like, present your mouth?

KYLE GETZ

Oh, that’s a good idea, but then I think you see your face, which, I think part of the goal is not to-

MA JOHNSON

Do you not have duct tape with you? That’s not a thing?

KYLE GETZ

Wait, where does the duct tape go?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes, he is from Idaho.

MA JOHNSON

Yes, he’s from Idaho.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, both of you, focus! We’re almost there! [Mike laughs] I have to scold both of you, including you, Mike!

MA JOHNSON

The blindfold. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Hot. Okay, Larry Craig and 40 others were arrested, a-rested, in a public restroom in the main terminal of the Minneapolis Saint Paul International Airport-

MIKE JOHNSON

Hold the phone.

KYLE GETZ

-in 27 [TN: 2007], from May to August.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hey, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

What’s up?

MIKE JOHNSON

40?

KYLE GETZ

40.

MIKE JOHNSON

Four zero?

KYLE GETZ

Her and four zero other people were arrested.

MIKE JOHNSON

In- At the same time?

KYLE GETZ

Uh, no, no, no, from May to August.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, God, okay.

MA JOHNSON

Oohh.

KYLE GETZ

So like, they have these stings that seem to go over a period of time, not one day.

MIKE JOHNSON

I was just- [laughing] It was a 40-dude orgy at the C gates. [Ma laughing]

KYLE GETZ

That’s hot.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

I wish.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

We’re not talking about my fantasy, we’re talking about reality here, Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, another recent example that I saw in the news- Oh, no, no, no. Something I wanted to mention…

MA JOHNSON

Mention.

KYLE GETZ

Caution, Mike Johnson.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes?

KYLE GETZ

Some of those 40 people arrested not for doing this whole, you know, toe-tappy- like, this whole thing. Oh, the reason he got caught is there are often, like, undercover police officers that know these codes, and some of them will get arrested just for doing these codes, which, none of what I described is-

MIKE JOHNSON

Illegal or should be.

KYLE GETZ

-should be. Should be legal, but they arrested anyway, and that’s part of the having plausible deniability and several steps to make sure. It’s like- Yeah, so he apparently got arrested-

MIKE JOHNSON

Counterpoint.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah?

MIKE JOHNSON

If I’m dropping a deuce and your foot touches my foot, I should legally be able to stab you.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, that- Okay, yeah, that’s true. The glory hole is just a stabbing hole. Like- [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MA JOHNSON

Un-counterpoint: Can’t you just wave one of your hanky code colors under there?

MIKE JOHNSON

Ooh.

KYLE GETZ

That’s a good idea.

MA JOHNSON

Woo! Ay-oh, drop your hanky. I dunno.

KYLE GETZ

And then you can pass along a little bit more info on what you want, other than just-

MA JOHNSON

That’s right.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. But some of these- Some of these 41 suspects were arrested because they responded to online posts by men looking to arrange a quick hookup as they pass through the airport.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

So- So I’m just saying, if you use Grindr in the airport-

MIKE JOHNSON

Hypothetically. [laughing]

KYLE GETZ

I’m- Hypothetically. I’m just saying, watch out. Just watch out!

MIKE JOHNSON

I’ve used Grindr sitting next to you at the airport, so, like-

KYLE GETZ

I know! Whenever we go somewhere new, I’m like “Oh, Mike’s on Grindr right now.”

MIKE JOHNSON

[laughs] Yes.

MA JOHNSON

Okay, what about Match?

KYLE GETZ

[chuckles] Match.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, I thought you said “Matt”, like my brother, Matthew. [laughs] Your other son.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah, what about Matt?

KYLE GETZ

Another example that they gave: in 2019, in DC in the Meridian Hill Park, there were 26 arrests in a one week period, so it’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

Good God.

KYLE GETZ

I mean, there are recent examples of gay men being arrested for this kind of behavior, which is, I don’t know, kind of weird to me. It’s like the tractor fucking, it’s like, how much harm is this really causing and what’s the priority? But anyway-

MIKE JOHNSON

[chuckles] Yeah, unlike tractor fucking, this is really happening.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah. But-

KYLE GETZ

That’s true. This is real.

MA JOHNSON

Exactly, who- What? Like, you want to hook up, and then what is the problem?

KYLE GETZ

You are in a public space, so someone- Like, don’t involve other- Part of, you know, the whole, you know, kink scene, is-

MA JOHNSON

But you can sit at a bar and go, “Hey, you wanna fuck?” “Yeah, okay. Yeah,” and walk out.

KYLE GETZ

Mm. That’s my ideal.

MIKE JOHNSON

But you can’t then fuck at the bar, right?

MA JOHNSON

Oh, yes you can.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, you can. Should you? Is that legal?

MA JOHNSON

In the bathroom. In the-

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a good way to get kicked out of Applebee’s, but the- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, okay, when-

MA JOHNSON

Safeway, they hate it there!

KYLE GETZ

In How I Met Your Mother, when straight people do this – like, go to the bath- “We’re newlyweds, we will go to the bathroom and fuck.” – people celebrate it, they enjoy it, they think it’s hot, but if a gay dude does it, very different. I’m not saying either is okay, I’m just saying, part of this is not saying whether it is technically right or wrong, part of it is what is your judgment, and how is it different based on the orientation of the person we’re talking about?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

And I think-

MA JOHNSON

Right, right.

KYLE GETZ

Anyway, this is a part of gay culture. You will hear people talk about foot tapping, this is a thing, and I’m glad I’ve been able to illuminate it for all of you, and that I’m disgusted by Mike now.

MA JOHNSON

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Now? [Kyle laughs] It took this long? [Mike laughs]

MA JOHNSON

And Ma. And Ma!

KYLE GETZ

No, you’re still okay.

MA JOHNSON

Okay, good. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

But we- There’s more to this episode, so we’ll see.

MA JOHNSON

There we go.

KYLE GETZ

Um, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Did we do it?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah… we actually talked-

MIKE JOHNSON

Mom, did we do it?

MA JOHNSON

My vagina’s- Yeah, I’m good. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

“I’ve checked in with my vagina. We’re both good.”

MA JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

Um, we talked about more than fetishes, which I’m surprised that we did, so, good for us!

MA JOHNSON

And feet, and feet long.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

And increments of inches, feet, boy inches, girl inches. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

So many things. I don’t love the phrase “boy inches”.

MIKE JOHNSON

I do. I’m here for that one.

MA JOHNSON

Because they go like this, they go, “How big was your fish?” [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I don’t- Ohhh.

MA JOHNSON

Because there’s a girth and there’s a length.

KYLE GETZ

My goodness. Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

What?

KYLE GETZ

Help us out.

MIKE JOHNSON

What? Oh, should we take a break?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, let’s take a break! [Ma and Mike laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s take a break.

KYLE GETZ

You’re the only person that can get us out of this!

MA JOHNSON

[singing] Hello, it’s me. I’m on the other side of the bathroom stall. [Mike laughs] Rub my feet.

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s take a break, please, now. God.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

So, are we back?

KYLE GETZ

We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re back!

KYLE GETZ

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

KYLE GETZ

We’re gonna do I Gayest & Straightest, but first, the Gayish Secret Santa is coming up. I believe they’ve landed on December 21st as the date for it?

KYLE GETZ

People- It’s too late. So, people have already signed up, we’re already- Make sure you remember to get your gifts and have- that they arrive in time.

MIKE JOHNSON

Exactly right. Yep. Uh, and, our website is gayishpodcast.com.

KYLE GETZ

We have several communities across the Internet, most prominently Discord, Facebook group, and on Spaces. You can actually find more about our communities that you can join at- Fuck, I- Uh, I think it is gayishpodcast.com/contact.

MIKE JOHNSON

Good work.

MA JOHNSON

/HashBrownMa.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you- Do you know our hotline, mom?

MA JOHNSON

Uh, 1-800-Give-Me-A-Blowjob. [chuckles] No, I don’t.

MIKE JOHNSON

5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.

KYLE GETZ

Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.

MIKE JOHNSON

And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.

MA JOHNSON

And my phone number is 1-800-Get-The-Fuck-Away. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ

Uhh, let’s do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON

Nope, first the local gay bar review! We’re gonna do a local gay bar review.

MA JOHNSON

Doo-doo-do-do-do-doo.

MIKE JOHNSON

This time I’m gonna talk about the Round-Up Saloon in Dallas, Texas.

MA JOHNSON

Yeehaw!

MIKE JOHNSON

It is massive, that place is fucking gigantic. There’s a huge-ass dance floor and there’s a huge-ass upstairs.

MA JOHNSON

It’s not gay though.

MIKE JOHNSON

It is gayyy…

MA JOHNSON

Gayish?

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s gayyy.

MA JOHNSON

Oh, right on. Cool. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

It was gay when I was there, anyway!

MA JOHNSON

Nice.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, there’s dancing, there’s a pool hall, there’s an outdoors bar, there’s an upstairs hanging out place. This place is- It’s just- It’s gigantic. I went again with Dallas Check and Joe N Dallas when I was there.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, hey buds.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, um, there is a picture this time! I always forget to take pictures at the local gay bar review gay bars, but I definitely have a picture from this one.

KYLE GETZ

Nice.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, and, on top of being amazing and I loved it, a dude yelled at me across the upstairs decking, “You’re really handsome!”

KYLE GETZ

Aww! [Ma gasps]

MIKE JOHNSON

Four and a half dildos. [laughs]

MA JOHNSON

Ohh, of course!

KYLE GETZ

God, I’m just- The- What’s a bar gotta do, you know?

MA JOHNSON

Gotta hook up with Michael.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, I gotta- Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You gotta get- You gotta do foot stuff in the bathroom for it to get five out of five.

MIKE JOHNSON

Exactly. But the bar also has to be good. Like, I got- So I got- I got laid in Argentina, but the bar wasn’t up to par.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It needs to be a bar that’s up to par, and a going home moment.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, one alone does not cut it. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, that’s- That’s that, so now we can do our Gayest & Straightest if you want to.

KYLE GETZ

Awesome, yeah, I’ll go first.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

Um, my gayest is going to gay trivia.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Quiz Daddy Chris does-

MIKE JOHNSON

You love it.

KYLE GETZ

Me?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I went and was reminded on why I don’t go. I don’t like trivia, I’m not good at it, I feel uncomfortable. So- But Quiz Daddy Chris does a great job running trivia, so that part’s fine. It’s me, I’m the problem. #TaylorSwift.

MIKE JOHNSON

Chris- Chris Haigy from the We Read Movies podcast.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Tuesdays at Madison Pub in Seattle, go.

KYLE GETZ

In Seattle, Washington.

MA JOHNSON

What’s today? I only eat on Sunday.

KYLE GETZ

It’s Tuesday.

MA JOHNSON

Oh, okay,

KYLE GETZ

[laughs] Um, my straightest is: boy, I fell flat on my ass when I was walking over here.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh. [Ma gasps]

KYLE GETZ

And- Because it’s raining and there was like a metal grate that I just decided to walk over. And you know those- when people are like-

MIKE JOHNSON

Were you wearing that black puffy coat?

KYLE GETZ

Uh, no.

MIKE JOHNSON

No, okay.

MA JOHNSON

Skirt-

MIKE JOHNSON

Thank God, because thing is like a toboggan. You would just, like- [laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I’d just slide down the hill? I’d get here faster.

MA JOHNSON

Tripped on your skirt? No?

KYLE GETZ

I was wearing some pants-

MA JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

-so the situation set itself up to be not too bad. But like, you know, falling on your ass is the great equalizer. Everyone; gay, straight, dumb, smart, everyone can do it. I just felt like a regular human then.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

What about you, Mike?

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, yeah, okay, so the gayest thing about me this week: I went to brunch with my mom, and, you know, but especially throughout that process, just walking around Capitol Hill with her, and my joy at all of the gay shit. Fuckin’ rainbow crosswalks, and, like, a whole thrift shop that’s gay themed, and like, dude was wearing a pup mask just walking down the street [Kyle laughs] at like 11:30 this morning. It was- It was magical, and it felt super gay, and it was great. It made me happy to live in a city that has all that.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, that’s my neighborhood.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then, the straightest thing about me this week, which mom reminded me: the Jeep is disgusting. I’ve literally never cleaned it, and you can tell because there’s Boomer dog hair all over it.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

I have not had him for like three or four years now, so, like, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

He may have died in there, actually. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

You add up all the hair, you might get a new Boomer.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, God, oh. #Goals.

KYLE GETZ

#NewBoomer?

MA JOHNSON

Hashbrown- Hashbrown CleanIt.

KYLE GETZ

Hashbrown CleanIt.

MA JOHNSON

One of those little, uh, air freshener little trees would not cut that. [Kyle chuckles] Okay, so my straightest is that I have a low- So, my car was going “Hey, flat tire, low tire,” whatever. So I have this little gauge, went around, checked all the tires.

MIKE JOHNSON

[emphasizing the “ge”] “Gauge”. “Gauge”.

MA JOHNSON

“Gauge”?

MIKE JOHNSON

I heard “gay”.

MA JOHNSON

What I’d say, “gay”? Oh-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I heard “gauge”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

MA JOHNSON

I’m in this room, it’s just like, nyeh. Um, unscrewed the little doodads, did my tire pressure thing, da-da, yaddy-yaddy.

KYLE GETZ

You fix your car?

MA JOHNSON

Frequently- Well, ish. I drove it to Les Schwab, and they said I had a leaking bead.

KYLE GETZ

Seems pretty rude.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Get antibiotics for that.

MA JOHNSON

I know, right? Well, that’s a whole ‘nother segment. [Mike chuckles] And my gayest is: I went to brunch with my son, Michael Johnson, at-

MIKE JOHNSON

Poquitos.

MA JOHNSON

-Poquitos. Poquitos. And there were three gaggles of gays-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I bet.

MA JOHNSON

-and a gag. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Just one.

KYLE GETZ

Just one. Unfortunate.

MA JOHNSON

A ga. Guh. Ga. [Mike laughs] So, there you go.

KYLE GETZ

There you go!

MIKE JOHNSON

There you go.

KYLE GETZ

There you go, feet people, you’ve lost many times and this time you won, and-

MIKE JOHNSON

I hope it was worth it.

KYLE GETZ

-I hope it was worth it. [Mike laughs]

MA JOHNSON

My bunions thank you. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

You know, I- Thank you to all of the foot fetishists out there that just, like, hung in there with us, and they never lost hope, and they continued to lobby even despite the jaws of defeat.

MA JOHNSON

That’s right.

KYLE GETZ

Yep, they’re a resilient community that rely on each other for support, and love, and foot-cceptance.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MA JOHNSON

Plus they’re, you know, helping out the pedicure community.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

They put so much money back in the community.

MA JOHNSON

There we go. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, also, thank you to the following foot fetishists: Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, – Oh, hey! – Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Thomas B, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York. Thank you all.

MIKE JOHNSON

Thank you all. That’s it. This has been Gayish, from the Chris Khachatourians studios. I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.

MIKE JOHNSON

See you next week.

KYLE GETZ

See y’all.

MA JOHNSON

Byeee. Love you, mean it!

MIKE JOHNSON

Love you, mean it.

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

MIKE JOHNSON

You know what else has feet?

KYLE GETZ

Uh, what?

MIKE JOHNSON

Derek’s wieners.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, um- So- So-

KYLE GETZ

No. No, no, no, they have legs. [laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

With feet on the end of them!

KYLE GETZ

That wiener has legs. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

MA JOHNSON

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, is this back to the metric system and other system? The feet, foot, inch system and the- What are they, meters? Millimeters?

KYLE GETZ

You’re measuring in feet.

MA JOHNSON

Feet.

KYLE GETZ

5855-Gayish?

MA JOHNSON

[in a high pitched voice] Never mind! [Mike laughs]

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com

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