More than just a fetish, feet can be used to walk (and other things)!
In this episode: News- 3:57|| Main Topic (Feet)- 15:46 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:09:44
On the bonus Patreon segment, we read the earliest known poem about foot stuff written in like, 5 AD. Support Gayish by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]
When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hello everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish.
KYLE GETZ
The podcast that’s a top in the streets, and an emotionally devastated depressed bottom in the sheets.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Slash, all the time, everywhere.
KYLE GETZ
Slash, life is sheets.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality, and-
KYLE GETZ
Your voice is… the way it is, still.
MIKE JOHNSON
It is the way it is. [Kyle laughs] I- It’s- It might be like this forever now, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
[gasps] New life, new voice, new you, new me.
MIKE JOHNSON
I keep forgetting that I can’t sing though, so I’ll get in the jeep and I’m driving around and then I’ll start, like, singing and I’m like [rasps]. It’s not working.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] You sound like me when I sing regularly.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Uh, today we’re gonna talk about feet!
KYLE GETZ
Today we’re gonna talk about feet! Super special, surprise, exciting guest that we have.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Ma Johnson!
MA JOHNSON
Do I know her? [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Who’s she?
MA JOHNSON
Hello.
KYLE GETZ
Welcome! Thanks for being here in the studio with us!
MA JOHNSON
Well, thanks for letting me fly over here.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MA JOHNSON
All expenses paid, first class.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm.
MA JOHNSON
I think the Uber guy wants me. [Ma and Mike laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Wait, I picked you up. [laughs]
MA JOHNSON
Oh. Never mind!
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Oh, Jesus.
KYLE GETZ
But first…?
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, yeah. But first!
KYLE GETZ
We’re gonna have a couple episodes, actually, that Ma Johnson’s gonna to be on. So, thanks so much, and you’re welcome.
MA JOHNSON
And you’re welcome.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, 100 words. Okay, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing: I don’t know if I’m permanently like this now. So, just so everyone knows. [Kyle laughs] So, um, we got 100 words, and I wanted to wait and do it when I could do the request, which was that it be dramatically read.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, I had so many ideas for this character. I was, like- I was using the MacCormack method, or whatever. The Kominsky Method? That’s- I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
The Miser technique? [TN: the Meisner technique] I don’t know what these things are.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Exac- Me neither.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Okay!
MA JOHNSON
You were just gonna bark.
MIKE JOHNSON
I was just gonna- [Mike and Kyle laugh] Yeah, exactly. Anyway, anyway, anyway.
KYLE GETZ
The Reynolds method.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, Kyle’s going to do this one so that we don’t have to wait until I’m better, which might be 2024.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Might be never. 100 words cancelled. Um, yes, I- Like, what I imagined- What we would have done from the beginning, when we planned this, is I am just going to read the 100 words. [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright, fine.
KYLE GETZ
So this is from… Tim… [fumbles words] Tim. [Mike laughs] Thanks, Tim. “So, like what do you think? Did you think that girl was pretty? How did that girl even get in here? Did you see her? She’s so short and that dress is so tacky. Who wears cheetah? It’s not even summer, why does the DJ keep playing Summertime Sadness? After we go to the bathroom, can we go smoke a cigarette? I really need one. But first, let me take a selfie.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Selfie! [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Because people were missing the song #SELFIE [laughs] in our episode about selfies. Thank you, Tim. The one thing I will mention from Tim’s email is that he is- said he might be the only person posting #BeButchBeFabulousBeYou on TikTok
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. Which, our marketing department is all of you, and sometimes me when I have the mental motivation, but it’s mostly y’all, so thank you for spreading our hashtag wide and far.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Great. Yeah, yeah. Thanks TikTok.
KYLE GETZ
Thanks- Oh, did you just thank TikTok instead of Tim, the person doing it?
MIKE JOHNSON
Thanks TimTok.
KYLE GETZ
Thanks Ti- [laughs] Your one source-
MA JOHNSON
I was just spreading hashbrowns. I didn’t know. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Um, that’s your 100 words. Sorry you got me instead of Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, me too. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
We doin’ the news?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah! Let’s do the news.
[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, so, first, just a really quick update on the continuing story of the Club Q shooting, apparently. we now have more information about the person that, uh- did- did it-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
-is the bad guy- bad person here. Apparently they use they/them pronouns, which many people think is just a legal strategy, but we have to go with it, right? Like, that’s the- that’s the way that these things work. So, they are a terrible person. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Uh, anyway, Anderson Lee Aldrich has been charged, but we’re finding out now that apparently the FBI knew that this person was crazy for a long time, and-
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
-was on their like watch list, and they did nothing about them, so, like…
KYLE GETZ
That’s super frustrating.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Uh, authorities-
KYLE GETZ
I mean, these are, like- If- A million people would be on the watch list based on my criteria, which is if you own more than maybe two guns I would put you there. Which, we can- We have such easy access to guns; that would be so many people.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, they were actually arrested June 18th of 2021, on allegations that they were making bomb threats against their family members.
KYLE GETZ
Tshhh.
MIKE JOHNSON
And it led to 10 homes being evacuated.
KYLE GETZ
Oh my God.
MIKE JOHNSON
And the case was dropped against them, but we don’t know why because Colorado law doesn’t let us know, you know, what the reasoning was. So it might be they were totally not guilty. It could have been like a technicality and they clearly were. Who knows. But they were totally on the FBI’s watch list because of this bomb situation.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But then the FBI apparently closed its assessment of the case, and uh, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Mmm…
MIKE JOHNSON
Anyway. So, for all those people who are like, “We just need the authorities to pay more attention and to do something,” like, they can already, and don’t.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, adding additional authorities to the mix in this is not gonna-
MA JOHNSON
So what is the acronym the FBI stand for?
MIKE JOHNSON
Fuckin’ Bitches.
MA JOHNSON
Bitch Idiots. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Maybe? I dunno.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Ah, Fuckin’ Bitch Idiot.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, okay. News the first, which is actually also an update, so maybe we’re just doing updates today. I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
Mmm. It’s Update Corner, brought to you by Jergens.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, there’s a lot going on. I’m worried about how to mash this much news into one episode.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, I dunno. Anyway, news the first: so, Brittney Griner was released from Russian detention. They put her on a plane and she’s back in the arms of her wife, where she belongs, and we apparently could do nothing worse in the eyes of Republicans these days than trade a prisoner. I don’t know. Anyway, I’m- We’ve talked about her a lot on the news, and, uh, she’s- but she’s back.
KYLE GETZ
She’s back! It’s very exciting. I mean, there- You know, there’s obviously a lot of opinions, and there’s shittiness to it too, but sometimes it’s like… can we be happy for a day?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I’m excited she’s back. That must be – I can’t even imagine – a huge relief for all of her- There are still people that are in- Oh no, I said it. Let’s be happy. I’m not gonna add caveats. So, it’s awesome. Welcome back.
MA JOHNSON
I cleaned all the residue out of my curling iron before I boarded the plane this morning, just in case.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, have you made bomb threats against anyone in your- Yes. [laughing] You’re shaking your head “Yes.” already.
MA JOHNSON
No. No.
MIKE JOHNSON
You use your curling iron to do bong hits? Is that-
MA JOHNSON
Well, it’s like a roach clip thing. [Mike laughs] You know. You’ll see.
KYLE GETZ
Ha, alright. Well.
KYLE GETZ
That’s- Some kind of bomb can be made out of that.
MA JOHNSON
Curling irons?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, come on-
KYLE GETZ
Or like, that’s the trigger something. I heard it in a podcast once, and everything podcasts say are true.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. I’ve often said that you’re like the Gayish MacGyver.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] I’ve often said that I’m the Gayish sex-MacGyver.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. Oh, okay. I mean, a hole is a goal, I guess. [Kyle laughs, Mike chuckles] Okay, news the second.
KYLE GETZ
Great.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know if you’ve been following this at all or not, but an American journalist named Grant Wahl has died [Kyle gasps] in Qatar.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh, no, I have not been following this.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, uh-
KYLE GETZ
This is kind of like an update too!
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, yeah. Sort of. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. So, I didn’t know what order I wanted to say all of this stuff in. So, he is an LGBT ally and was outspoken against the Qatari Government and got turned away because he was wearing a rainbow shirt to the stadium. But he is a- He’s a journalist. He does- He did a lot of work covering the World Cup. He’s not just a rando that’s going, he’s, like, he’s there working as a journalist on the inside. And uh, anyway, he got enough of a notice, again because he was outspoken against the Qatari Government and this rainbow shirt thing. He received numerous death threats-
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
-and stayed in-country covering the World Cup anyway. Then, December 2nd- 6th. 6th. 6 is a different number than 2. On December 6th he posted on social media that he was not feeling well, but that he thought he was on the mend. They gave him some medication and then he said he was- he was feeling quite a bit better. And then, Friday during the Argentina Netherlands match, he, quote, “fell ill.” At least, that’s what the World Cup organization said. And he received immediate medical treatment on-site and then was transferred to Hamad General Hospital and, uh, he- he died. It’s very unclear what he died from, what was wrong. Of course, many people are speculating that he was poisoned somehow, that somebody making those death threats against him made good on that. His brother is on record now as saying that he’s certain that that’s what happened. And he was also straight, so we’ve- we’ve heard from his wife, who said, quote, “I’m so thankful for the support of my husband Grant Wahl’s soccer family and of so many friends who’ve reached out tonight. I’m in complete shock.” Yeah, it’s like, fuckin’ sketchy. Sketchy as fuck.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. The coincidences involved in all of that is- That’s too much to be taken lightly.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I concur, captain.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] We talked about David Beckham in the Patreon segment last week, and it just reminds me how big of a shit he is for being their ambassador. He will not- He will face no repercussions, he’s too big of a name to, and someone who’s a journalist is taking bolder action to support LGBT people than he is. Fuck him.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, yep.
MA JOHNSON
No thanks.
MIKE JOHNSON
Fuck that guy.
MA JOHNSON
No thank you.
KYLE GETZ
Do you follow the World Cup, Ma Johnson?
MA JOHNSON
I do.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah?
MA JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
In what way? Like, spiritually-
MA JOHNSON
These cups are my whole world. [Mike and Kyle laughing] These two cups. Planned it.
MIKE JOHNSON
For those of you who are subject to the fact that this is an audio medium, she was pointing to her boobs.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, I think- [chuckles] I think- Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
I’m a 34 long.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God. Anyway, it’s a horrible situation, and, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, news the last.
KYLE GETZ
Great.
MIKE JOHNSON
Have you seen the video of the crying congresswoman?
KYLE GETZ
I’ve heard of it. That’s when I- I can’t watch this.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. Well, U.S. Representative Vicky Hartzler of Missouri was on the floor of Congress sobbing because Congress was about to pass the legislation that codified rights for interracial and same-sex marriages in this country. [Kyle laughs] She said, quote, “I hope and pray that my colleagues will find the courage to join me in opposing this misguided and this dangerous bill,” and what’s really interesting is then, now getting a whole bunch of play or press, is her nephew.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
That boy gay.
KYLE GETZ
That boy gay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Fantastic.
KYLE GETZ
Uh-huh.
MIKE JOHNSON
He is her nephew, and is totally, totally calling out; “Today a United States Congresswoman – my aunt Vicky – started crying because gay people like me can get married,” and just reads her to filth on this TikTok, and it is magical.
KYLE GETZ
Family members coming out and speaking up against shitty people, and especially study politicians, is my new favorite thing, because they have so much power in that situation. The cousin of someone, the son of someone, the- You know. They can- They have, like, an in. They can be like, “Nooo, that sucks.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
I love it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. So he says in the clip, if you can’t find it, “Aunt Vicky, that’s not right. Institutions of faith, like religious universities, are not being silenced. They’re being empowered by the US government to discriminate against tens of thousands of LGBTQ students because of a religious exemption, but they still receive federal funding.” “It’s more like you want the power to force your religious beliefs onto everyone else, and because you don’t have that power you feel like you’re being silenced, but you’re not.”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
“You’re just gonna have to learn to coexist with all of us, and I’m sure it’s not that hard.”
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] That’s hilarious. Yeah. I forget who this started with, but someone was wearing a mask that said “silenced” or something, and it’s like, you’re a congress person on the floor of Congress. You are one of the people making legislative decisions. You have the power. You are the person in power.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
If you are standing on that floor as a representative, you are the person in charge and you are not being silenced.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
You are literally representing lots of people.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
It’s- Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
She needs reverse-conversion therapy.
KYLE GETZ
Oh my God, I love it. Like gay conver- Wait. Conversion, but like, gay-conversion therapy?
MA JOHNSON
Right.
KYLE GETZ
Like, “Let’s make you gayer.” [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That’s so smart.
MA JOHNSON
Or sympathetic, or-
KYLE GETZ
Or, yeah, have-
MA JOHNSON
Just understand. Just-
KYLE GETZ
-emotions, yeah.
MA JOHNSON
-get your head out of your vagina. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Put her in a room full of drag queens until she sobers up.
KYLE GETZ
Cracks. There we go.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] I love reverse-conversion therapy.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, I saw a follow-up interview with the nephew, Andrew, and he was saying that not only was he put through conversion therapy, he was put through conversion therapy by her friends-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
-that he has since seen her make public appearances with, the people that put him through conversion therapy.
KYLE GETZ
Eugh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, it’s- it’s really horrible. He’s adorable though. So, anyway. That’s the news!
KYLE GETZ
That’s the news! Hoo! I want to thank the following adorable people are your Patreon members: Michael-
MIKE JOHNSON
This- See, last week-
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
-I had to, like, intervene.
KYLE GETZ
You had to intervene spoon-feed me a transition?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, and this time I was gonna say “these conversion therapists,” which, that’s not good.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, no, they converted to being a Patreon member, which is the best kind of conversion therapy!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Michael Reusz. I will pause a moment and say, I looked up the pronunciation of Michael’s last name. The first and only time I’m gonna do that. I just looked at this name and I was like, “That’s too many consonants together,” [laughs] and I don’t know what to do. So, you’re welcome Michael! You got a treatment. I hope that’s- If that’s not how you pronounce your name don’t fucking tell me. And-
MIKE JOHNSON
Or do.
KYLE GETZ
Nope, don’t!
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. Tell me, and then I’ll tell him.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, tell Mike in private. Uh… And Dustin Haldowan! Sorry, Dust- [Mike coughs loudly]
MIKE JOHNSON
Sorry, Dustin, for fucking up your name.
KYLE GETZ
Sorry, Dustin, for Mike’s outburst, and that I didn’t have more to say about your name. Um, if you want to be a Patreon member, you get monthly momsplainings-
MA JOHNSON
Woohoo!
KYLE GETZ
-and bonus episodes, segments. Join at patreon.com/gayishpodcast.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, do it.
KYLE GETZ
Speaking of Patreon…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, we have them to blame for this, everybody.
KYLE GETZ
Yes. I am back, baby.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah you are.
KYLE GETZ
We submitted this as our monthly vote, where we- each of us submits topics and our Gap Bridgers get to vote on which topic we are talking about. So that’s why we’re talking about feet. I submitted feet. I have not won in quite some time. I just needed- I just needed this.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
It was a bit of a gimme. Although, feet has lost in the past. It’s lost many times. It is a longtime loser. So, anyway.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. You believed in it. It was the little feet that could.
KYLE GETZ
Aww!
MIKE JOHNSON
And here we are.
KYLE GETZ
Run, buddies.
MIKE JOHNSON
Run. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Run, little buddies. You can do it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Also, you seem very proud of yourself today. You seem chipper, upbeat, ready.
KYLE GETZ
I’ve lost so many times. It’s about time.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I’m always ready.
MA JOHNSON
I voted for vagina. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
That was- You know, we thought with the timing it’d be fun to talk about, but you know, now’s not the time for vaginas.
MA JOHNSON
Vaginas are way up on the- So, feet are down at the bottom. [Mike laughs] Go way up the food chain.
KYLE GETZ
That’s true! Well, if we are going- Throat did win the tiebreaker vote, so.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
MA JOHNSON
[gags] [Mike and Kyle laugh] That was my gagger.
KYLE GETZ
It’s gonna be mostly an episode of that. Anyway, um, in addition to Patreon requesting this, or voting on this topic, we’d also gotten this request from many people, one of which is AlanJay requesting to do feets, so.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, also in Patreon, Chris Khachatourians commented “I need Ma Johnson’s opinions on chokeslams.”
MA JOHNSON
Oh yeah, baby. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know what that means, or what that has to do with this.
MA JOHNSON
Well, I can define that for you.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah? Can you? What’s-
MA JOHNSON
Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Define “chokeslams”.
MA JOHNSON
Did you want the news first, and then the history? [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
The history of chokeslams!
MA JOHNSON
And then the- The history of- So, just think about it. Break it down, you know? You’ve got a choker, [Mike laughs] a chokee-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Uh-huh. And some slammin’.
MA JOHNSON
Slammin’!
KYLE GETZ
That’s- Alright! Love that definition. There you go.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah. I just learned about smash, [Mike and Kyle laugh] so I’m like whoa getting my head around that deal.
KYLE GETZ
We’re already learning so much on this episode.
MA JOHNSON
I know!
KYLE GETZ
Anyway, that’s why we’re doing- That’s the history of why we’re talking about this.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, exactly. Exactly right.
MA JOHNSON
Did I answer the question?
KYLE GETZ
Uh.
MIKE JOHNSON
I dunno, did you? Do you have more to say?
KYLE GETZ
You- You said words in response to the thing I said, which, that’s all that doing this podcast is.
MA JOHNSON
Okay. Okay, good. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I think that’s a yes.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Did I answer your question?
MA JOHNSON
Gayish, the podcast that pretends it knows what it’s talking about and definitely, for sure, literally… doesn’t. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright, well, so I was gonna talk about the history of feet but that’s- they’ve been around a while.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm. Since the birth of the first human, [Mike laughs] feet have played an important role in the mobility of humans.
MIKE JOHNSON
Funny thing, Kyle: more than just humans have feet.
KYLE GETZ
Get out.
MA JOHNSON
Shut up, no!
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s even before that. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] That’s very true.
MIKE JOHNSON
Instead, I’m gonna talk to you about the history of foot fetishes.
KYLE GETZ
I was- As I was preparing I was like, “Okay, we all know that an episode called “feet” is an episode about foot fetish, right?” Like, we just are accepting that that’s the premise of this episode, right?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. Or measurement systems is fine. You know.
KYLE GETZ
That’s true. That’s true. That’s true. That’s why we brought your mom in, to add some variety.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Okay. I’m ready though. I’m ready for it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright, well, so, first we gotta talk about what a foot fetish is.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
And there are a lot of different sort of working definitions of what foot fetishism is. This is Wikipedia, quote, “A pronounced sexual interest in feet.”
KYLE GETZ
It’s not a passing interest in feet. Pronounced.
MIKE JOHNSON
“…points of attraction may include the shape and size of feet, feet soles, toes, jewelry ([like] toe rings, anklets, etc.), treatments ([like] massag[e], washing a partner’s feet or painting partner’s toenails), state[s] of dress ([like] barefoot, flip flops, ballet flats, sandals, high heels, hosiery, socked feet, etc.), foot odor or sensory interaction ([like] rubbing the foot, smelling [them], tickling, licking, rubbing genitals on foot, etc.),” and- What happened with the sandals, again? Are you gonna talk about that later?
KYLE GETZ
Oh, oh, no- Oh, I just- I took a picture, because I thought it was funny, when I was at my parents lake house of my feet up on the, like, railing and the lake behind it, and then, you know, was-
MIKE JOHNSON
Spell “railing”.
KYLE GETZ
Sure. [Mike and Kyle laugh] I, you know, posted something like “#Chillaxing” because I’m a cool dude, and someone commented like, “No, don’t do this! Do an episode about foot stuff and you’ll figure out why!” and I think it’s just- I saw this big Reddit thread. I was searching for this. If there’s something that I just didn’t know about this that, like, that’s a big no-no in the foot world or something. And there were just a bunch of Reddit posts that were lamenting people that wore socks with sandals, especially during summer or during times when your feet could be out because it just-
MIKE JOHNSON
Because it covers the feet.
KYLE GETZ
It’s just hiding the good stuff. And then someone else commented and was like, “This is a good time to have both an interest in feet and socks.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So, that person wins.
MA JOHNSON
And gray sweatpants.
KYLE GETZ
And gray sweatpants season is a- is a thing in the gay world.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
And not bunions.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] They’re thing in moms world too.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, so, the reason I wanted to go into all of that though, is I seriously thought about a foot fetish as just being, like, what they look like, like people lusting over your picture, and then, like, interacting with them, either on or about the face or in the mouth.
KYLE GETZ
Uh-huh.
MIKE JOHNSON
And I had always, in my head, sort of separated out these other things, like socks and shoes. I know that there’re fetishes for those things. I had not, like, put them in the umbrella of, like, feet. Or the smell, like the raunch aspect, the odor stuff, I had never really considered part of it either. But apparently- apparently it is. It’s all interrelated.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. You seem particularly surprised by the interaction with genitals portion of it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Huh.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean-
KYLE GETZ
Oh my God.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, we have some- What? Oh, God, Mom, what are you doing? [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Mom is rubbing my feet with her feet. [Ma laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, great. That’s comfortable for everyone.
KYLE GETZ
I have no qualms. [all laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
A great moment for us all.
KYLE GETZ
This is normal.
MA JOHNSON
I just gave you some of my smell. [all laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh no.
KYLE GETZ
My feet thank you. [laughs] Some dude I hook up with next is gonna be like “…and a hint of mom?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my God.
MA JOHNSON
Tasteful moulage.
KYLE GETZ
Tasteful ma-lage. Okay
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
We can talk more about our personal stuff later.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I’ve never had somebody put their dick on my feet or nor have I put my dick on their feet.
KYLE GETZ
That’s funny, Mike, because recently-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah?
KYLE GETZ
-very recently-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah?
KYLE GETZ
-a dude-
MIKE JOHNSON
We could talk about personal stuff, but here we go. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I- It’s just relevant to this very moment.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Sure.
KYLE GETZ
Like, so I had trouble with the dude this week, that, um- It doesn’t matter. And he’s like, into feet stuff, and I’m always like, “Cool. I don’t know what to do. Like, I don’t get it. Not because I’m trying to shame you, I just don’t know what you want me to do.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Right, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
“Do you want me to like, put my toe in my mouth, or what do you want me to do?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. You can do that.
KYLE GETZ
Seductively. You can?
MIKE JOHNSON
I haven’t tried in a while.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Give it a shot, it’s fun.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
Do it now. [laughs] Um, and-
MIKE JOHNSON
I have a bad back, Kyle. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
And he took my feet, and he made a little cup out of it and stuck his dick through the hole.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. Intercrural.
KYLE GETZ
Like- Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah yeah! So I was like, I didn’t know that was going to happen, totally down, and I was like, “Oh, you can make a hole out of that!”
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Great.
KYLE GETZ
Your feet can become a hole if you work hard at it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Wow.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Good timing! It’s like that dude planned it. Thanks…
MIKE JOHNSON
Thanks, dude!
KYLE GETZ
…whatever your name was. [chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Thanks, My- MyFeetMakeAHole32. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Um.
KYLE GETZ
Anyway.
MIKE JOHNSON
Anyway, all of that counts, or is considered like highly related. So much so that, apparently – I know that you do data and I’m sorry that I’m gonna say a gayta thing, but – in a 1994 study, 45% of those with a foot fetish were found to be aroused by smelly socks or feet. [Ma gasps]
KYLE GETZ
I’m gonna go ahead and cross that off my list of things I need to talk about.
MIKE JOHNSON
Which-
KYLE GETZ
Yes, very connected, which, I mean, makes sense.
MA JOHNSON
Seriously?
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, so, we- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I’m with you. I’m with you. It makes sense in a weird way that he can’t articulate or understand.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I mean, like, if you like feet, there are things that come along with feet, and it would make sense that you might be more likely to like those things as well.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yyyeah.
MA JOHNSON
Wouldn’t it be just a general all-around like stinky- ‘Cause if you like butt smell, or like, pussy smell… or like, feet smell…
KYLE GETZ
I sometimes forget that straight people exist, so I didn’t-
MA JOHNSON
If you like barnyard smell…
KYLE GETZ
Barnyard smell.
MA JOHNSON
If you like money smell… Oh yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Ooo.
MIKE JOHNSON
Which is really just all those other smells combined, because money is filthy. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Money equals feet plus pussy plus barn. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Weird math, brought to you by Gayish.
MIKE JOHNSON
There’s definitely some biological components to what’s happening here, just, the way that it’s been studied, like, there’s some theories about how people’s brains are wired that I’ll go into in just a little bit. But, uh, foot fetishes have been documented for a really long time. There’s a couple of erotic poems called “To a Barefoot Woman” and “To a Barefoot Boy” written by the ancient Greek writer Philostratus.
KYLE GETZ
I legit copied down the poem To a Barefoot Boy.
MIKE JOHNSON
Are you gonna read it later?
KYLE GETZ
Uh, either now or maybe on the Patreon segment.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, let’s do later. Let’s do later.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, so we will come back to that. The Hindu God Shiva was aroused by the sight of Parvati’s feet in the 8th century text Skanda Purana.
KYLE GETZ
Wow, it’s a religious thing too?
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s a religious thing.
KYLE GETZ
Damn, foot fetish; didn’t know that was God incarnate.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Bertold of Regensburg, in 1220, made a reference to, like, being super-duper into feet. It’s just- It’s not a recent thing. A lot of people think it’s a recent thing, and some components of it are recent, and I’ll go into that, but it’s been around a long-ass time, and we’ve been aware of it and writing about it for a long-ass time.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm. It’s so funny to me that there’s a poem about, [Mike laughs] like, foot fetish.
MIKE JOHNSON
An ancient- An ancient Greek poem about foot fetishes? Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
For reals. Okay, so, there- It is problematic when you start talking about fetishes because often sometimes people ask the question, “Why or how did that happen?” with “That’s bad and I want to blame something,” and I want to be, like- I want to not yuck anybody’s yum, and I don’t want to cast shame, and I definitely want to talk about the theories of why people are like this.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yea- [chuckles] The phrase “why people are like this” is also-
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughing] Why you people are like this.
KYLE GETZ
No, no, no. I agree. I also am very interested in what makes these things happen. It’s interesting to learn about.
MA JOHNSON
‘Cause it’s my jam. My toe jam.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh…
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughing] Oh no.
KYLE GETZ
Noooo….
MA JOHNSON
You can cut that out. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
So, one of the first people to study fetishes was Freud, Sigmund Freud.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, God, I bet we’ve disproven everything he’s said.
MIKE JOHNSON
He believed that fetishes arose during early childhood. There are people that are still into that as a general idea.
KYLE GETZ
Hm. Maybe.
MIKE JOHNSON
He suggested that, when a child saw their mom’s genitals, they were shocked to find that their mother did not have a penis, leading to a fixation on objects or body parts that looked like penises. And in the case of foot fetishes, Freud’s theory states that they occur because a person perceives the foot or toes as a penis substitute.
KYLE GETZ
I had a guy that viewed toes as penis substitutes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah?
KYLE GETZ
Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Was that this week?
KYLE GETZ
Boop! [Mike laughs] Just a little “Boop!”
MIKE JOHNSON
Just right- Just right- right in the hole?
KYLE GETZ
Just right up… you know. That’s not true. [laughs] It’s hard to tell, right?
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know who you- I don’t know your life.
KYLE GETZ
I don’t either, sometimes.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean…
KYLE GETZ
Okay, Freud. Everything’s a penis, guys.
MIKE JOHNSON
With Freud, everything’s a penis, and that includes feet apparently, in his, like, view of foot fetishism.
KYLE GETZ
We have the rare opportunity where your mom is right here.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
How do y’all feel about Freud’s theories of so much about your mom is based on lack of a penis. [chuckles]
MA JOHNSON
Who is this? [Mike laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Who are you? Why are you here?
MA JOHNSON
Who are you, again?
KYLE GETZ
Are you talking to me?
MA JOHNSON
When did you land?
MA JOHNSON
So, when the baby’s born you count the appendages, right? I think that, because they’re so cute and tiny and cute, I think there is like a fixation from the parent aspect.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, other way a little bit.
MA JOHNSON
Like, cute little tiny feet, little- You know? And then watching the progression of them, you know, grow into walk-hood.
MIKE JOHNSON
I have definitely, like, this-little-piggy-went-to-market-ed an infant baby before and thought to myself, “I wonder if I’m fucking this kid up.” [Kyle laughs]
MA JOHNSON
Exactly. Exactly. Yea, no, you did. You are solely responsible. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Fuck that kid. This-little-piggy-ing- Especially the one that got left behind, or whatever the fuck the story goes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
But, I think that because through history certain parts of- body parts were exposed and not exposed?
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm.
MA JOHNSON
So I think bare feet, feet… Maybe there was some sort of fantasy imagination about “Okay, what’s the rest of that look like?” kind of situation, and then, you know, just narrowmindedness, basically. If you can’t expand your world into upper body parts, you’re stuck at the feet.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, wow. Bold stance on people that are into feet. Have you thought about the rest of the body? [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MA JOHNSON
Not really. I just- I- You know. I have my moments, but [Ma and Kyle chuckle] I would think more hand fetish appendages than feet.
KYLE GETZ
Oohh, I don’t- Foot fetish is – or interests or whatever – is the top, like, sexual interests.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So, um, it’s- But you’re right, hands can do a little bit more, sexually, so that’s interesting that we don’t talk about hand fetishes.
MA JOHNSON
Are there?
KYLE GETZ
I mean, surely if it’s-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, there are. Sure.
KYLE GETZ
Surely there is, but-
MA JOHNSON
Well I know, but it’s not as kink- ‘Cause today when I was doing my research – haha, for the podcast – um, that foot fetish is a huge- like, up in the number one-ish two-ish isn’t it? As far as kink for straight people, or, you know, whatever. So…
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
Which is very interesting to me because holy crap-oly [Kyle laughs] there’s a lot going on when you’re walking through the whatever without shoes or with shoes or whatever. There’s a lot of not good stuff that lands down there, so I don’t understand.
KYLE GETZ
That’s part of the thing I didn’t know, and I guess I didn’t research this so I don’t know the answer, is like- And, okay, everyone has different interests. So, you described a lots of different things people can like about feet. I didn’t know- I was like, “Do you want me to wash my feet before we come over? Do you want me to not wash it?” That’s where I just need help on knowing what to do, and-
MA JOHNSON
And Jesus symbolism of washing the feet. Mary, you go girl!
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Jumping well ahead, but there are- there are some safety risks, according to healthline.com, to foot fetish play.
MA JOHNSON
Five second rule! [Kyle laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
And particularly when you don’t, like, clean up first, and- But first, STIs. Some STIs are passed through genital contact, but others can be shared by rubbing skin on skin, and feet have been implicated. Genital and oral herpes, HPV, and syphilis can all be spread through contact with skin and potentially feet, especially because of the moisture involved. Skin infections, molluscum contagiosum is a skin infection that causes lesions or raised bumps, can be shared through skin to skin contact. Impetigo is a highly contagious skin infection. Fungal infections, like athlete’s foot, can also be shared through contact with infected skin or even shoes a person with an infection wore. And cuts, sharp toenails can cut delicate skin around sensitive areas.
KYLE GETZ
Ah.
MA JOHNSON
Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Keep toenails trimmed and clean, and ask your partner to do the same if you anticipate getting your feet involved in the action.
MA JOHNSON
And what about pinworms?
KYLE GETZ
What about pinworm- Let’s talk about pinworms. [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
They don’t write, they don’t call. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Jesus.
KYLE GETZ
I mean- Okay, all the things you described as, like, skin-to-skin contact though; you’re doing- feet or not, you’re doing a lot of that stuff anyway, so the additional risk of getting your feet involved, it doesn’t seem that high to me.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I’m with you. I agree.
KYLE GETZ
So I mean- Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I think that was also- That particular section was in response to the idea that it’s without risks as a just foot stuff only and nothing else.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I mean, what in life is zero risk though, you know?
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Exactly. Exactly.
MA JOHNSON
My vagina, apparently, because I’ve got serious atrophy. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, so, speaking about STIs, there are- there was some research that was done that hypothesizes that foot fetishism increases as a response to epidemics of STIs. And that- It kind of goes back to what you guys were talking about, of like, “Have you considered the whole body?” Sometimes people do consider the whole body, and it is dirty, bad, wrong, disease potential, and so they- those feelings get shifted to the feet because it’s not the rest of the body. So like, a couple of examples: there was a increased interest in feet as sexual objects during the great gonorrhea epidemic of the 12th century in Europe, and then the syphilis epidemics of the 16th and 19th centuries in Europe. And in the same study, they found that foot fetish depictions in porn was measured over a 30-year interval, and they noticed an exponential increase during the period of the current AIDS epidemic, and in all of these cases it’s believed that it’s because sexual foot play was viewed as a safe sex alternative. So people tried it and got into it because other kinds of sex were- were not okay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. They were like “We can’t do the sex stuff, or that’s riskier, so let’s get our bingo card of other options and, hey, feet seems good.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
But the condom still tastes the same on the foot or on the penis. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
God.
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely true.
KYLE GETZ
You need 10 condoms every time. So fucking frustrating.
MIKE JOHNSON
Then I found a thing. I don’t know- I don’t know how it fits in here, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, that’s what he said.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s what he said. Um, there’s another hypothesis about fetishes and foot fetishes, that they occur due to learning that being attracted to feet leads to a reward of some kind.
KYLE GETZ
Hm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Research suggests that people can link typically non-erotic objects or body parts to arousal through positive feedback, and even monetary prizes. They- There was a study that took people and they exposed them to fetishized material that they were like, kind of just a little into, and then paid them cash money, and observed that they got even more into it [laughs] over time, which I thought was interesting. Um- What?
KYLE GETZ
I don’t understand. Who’s getting monetary rewards other than the women of wikifeet.com? Like, who’s making money off of feet? Who’s getting rewards?
MIKE JOHNSON
The subjects of the study.
KYLE GETZ
No, I get that. But as a bigger representation, you said people are- might be into it because they’re getting rewards of some kind. What rewards are people getting?
MIKE JOHNSON
Y-Yeah. The other- I mean, it’s always sex, money, or power, right? Like, that’s the-
KYLE GETZ
But they’re not like- No one’s being like, “Oh, you’re into- I’m into feet. You’re into feet? Cool. Here’s 10 bucks and let’s do good sex.” I don’t know. I don’t understand that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I will have to ask these people.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
So the part of the fetish- I’m just thinking, my feet are hideous right now. I would die if someone wanted to look at my feet, even.
KYLE GETZ
Something that people have said about just body type or attractiveness, is people say, especially if someone thinks they are not attractive- Well, you are not your type if you don’t think you’re attractive. Other people- You may be other people’s type. That could be the same thing for feet.
MA JOHNSON
True!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Maybe your feet are not your type.
MA JOHNSON
That’s right.
KYLE GETZ
Maybe your feet are perfect for someone else.
MA JOHNSON
I’m thinking bunion city is where somebody wants to go, all day.
KYLE GETZ
You want to camp out in bunion city? I got a tent for ya. [Mike laughs]
MA JOHNSON
Yeah. Oh yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I will wrap this segment up, of talking about the, like, where we’ve arrived with research and all of that. And, a lot of fetishes have not been studied because they’re not problems. And, so, if it’s fine and not hurting anybody, and everybody’s just having fun, then there’s not a lot of reason to go into it and figure it out. Now, this is an extreme example, but somebody was trying to articulate, like, what does it take for it to be studied? And this paper, it’s called “Sexuality in the 21st century: Leather or rubber? Fetishism explained”. But I loved this paragraph in the abstract; “Fetishism, although not so rare, is often not seen in clinical conditions,” just like we were saying, like, people don’t get treatment for it if it’s fine, “On such occasions, patients are referred to clinics as a referral from the courts consequent to criminal or illegal activity. Cases who are sexually turned on by inanimate objects may fall foul of the law in a number of ways.”
MA JOHNSON
What!?
MIKE JOHNSON
“In the UK, in early October 2015, a man was arrested for having had sex with 450 tractors. According to the news report, he was found to have over 5000 tractor images on his laptop. He had a special desire for John Deere and Massey Ferguson tractors, particularly the green ones. He was into axle grease, which apparently turned him on sexually. He was placed on the Sexual Offenders’ Register.” That is how they then got to study his particular fetish, and-
MA JOHNSON
That’s bullshit!
MIKE JOHNSON
What? What part?
MA JOHNSON
That’s all bullshit. All of it!
MIKE JOHNSON
You don’t think a man fucked tractor?
MA JOHNSON
Did he hurt- Did he hurt a tractor? Did he ever hurt a tractor?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I was thinking that. Like-
MA JOHNSON
Did he tarnish the- Did he like… the paint?
KYLE GETZ
Maybe it was like someone else’s tractor, you know?
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, well…
MIKE JOHNSON
I- I think that that’s a great question. The Daily Star headline in the UK was “Perv who romped with 450 TRACTORS caught with 5,000 racy pics of farming vehicles”. I don’t know- But-
MA JOHNSON
Yeah. It could have been the farmers calendar for the, you know.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, they do the firemen, or bodybuilders, or the whatever. He could’ve maybe just thought he would- like, was doing a calendar shoot.
KYLE GETZ
There’s something there that I think, when people talk about there needs to be some kind of issue, they tend to- clearly criminal activity, whether we agree with the underlying cause, is one of those, or when it causes physical harm I think is what people prioritize, which I think diminishes the mental harm that being judged for- A value in studying foot fetish, or fetishes, is to normalize it and say, “Hey, did you know actually a shit ton of people are into feet? You’re not weird. You’re fine.” I think there’s a big mental value to reminding people that you’re just like everyone else, and you’re fine, and whatever. I just think that approach to disorders-
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, but if it’s normal it’s not kinky anymore, so it’s not exciting, right?
KYLE GETZ
Mmm, that’s true. The paradox of kink acceptance.
MIKE JOHNSON
Also…
MA JOHNSON
Dun dun dun.
MIKE JOHNSON
…this is amazing to me.
KYLE GETZ
Uh-huh?
MIKE JOHNSON
I got that from… it’s a medical journal on PubMed. It’s, uh, the National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnology Information, and they then linked to a article that says that Mom is right; the whole thing was bullshit. It never happened, [Kyle gasps] and yet it made it into this journal.
KYLE GETZ
Wowww.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, yeah, cite your sources, everybody. Check your sources. A man did not fuck those tractors.
MA JOHNSON
He was into horses, not tractors! [Kyle laughs] We know about that guy.
MIKE JOHNSON
But talking about kink shaming, that’s-
KYLE GETZ
That adds fuel to the-
MIKE JOHNSON
But that also is, like, why that story spreads like wildfire, right? Like, why it reaches critical mass where it ends up in an academic journal, because some part of us wants to kink shame him, right? And, anyway, I’m fascinated by the fact that that was-
MA JOHNSON
And we like the red tractors as much as we like the green tractors.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, that seems unfair.
MA JOHNSON
That’s horrible.
KYLE GETZ
That’s horrible. That’s offensive. [chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Anyway, talk to me about some gayta, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, I have some gayta, and I’m gonna talk to you about it. So, there was a 2018 study called “Tell Me What You Want”, by-
MIKE JOHNSON
What you really, really want?
MA JOHNSON
Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm, by Sposh Spice.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’ll tell you what I want.
KYLE GETZ
Um, and doctor- It was by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, and… Dr. Justin Lehmiller interviewed 4175 people about various fetishes, and here is the data on foot fetishes: 14% of people had a fantasy about feet.
MIKE JOHNSON
14%? Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright.
KYLE GETZ
And 5% have a foot fetish. So the level- You know, that’s a higher level of bar than just a fantasy.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, and-
MIKE JOHNSON
I-
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
Which is interesting. I dunno.
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, what’s- what’s a fetish, but a fantasy that’s not turned into a hobby? [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MA JOHNSON
And how many podiatrists and pedi and mani people are in that?
KYLE GETZ
I wonder. That-
MA JOHNSON
You know?
KYLE GETZ
That would be almost a dangerous career path if you’re super into that, because you just be like “Ohh, look at this piggies… [makes pig sounds]” [Ma and Mike laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
I want to- I want to fix ‘em! [laughs]
MA JOHNSON
I want to polish them!
KYLE GETZ
“Fetish” has a- I thought you were gonna- “Fetish” has an increased definition for it to be a fetish. It has to be kind of- I don’t- I guess I don’t need to guess. Like, a fantasy is not- Just having a fantasy about a thing does not make it a fetish. A fetish, I think, is more intense, or specific, or something.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And, we do have the breakdown by gender and orientation.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Great.
KYLE GETZ
So, take a guess, men versus women. Sorry, nonbinary people, no one studies you, I can’t do about that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Dudes.
MA JOHNSON
Dudes.
KYLE GETZ
Okay. [chuckles] Yeah, okay.
MA JOHNSON
Totally.
KYLE GETZ
Correct! [Mike and Kyle laugh] Uh, and queer versus non-queer, who has more foot fetish?
MA JOHNSON
Non.
MIKE JOHNSON
Gays.
KYLE GETZ
Non, and gays. Uh, Mike is correct.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
It’s the queers that- Uh, so, 21%.
MIKE JOHNSON
How much of that is the phenomenon we’ve talked about a whole bunch of times, of like, when you’re gay you already have permission to do stuff that’s outside of mainstream, acceptable sex?
KYLE GETZ
I was thinking- Yes. Another thing I was thinking, that I think applies to this – anytime we talked about that scenario – is you’ve also had to do some self-exploration. And so, I think there’s something there as well, is “I’ve reflected on myself, my wants, needs, desires, who I am,” and I think being queer is one of the paths that, unfortunately, you sometimes are forced to do, but I think that could be another thing that helps you understand yourself.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m with you.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, 21- Going from highest to lowest, 21% of gay and bisexual men have ever had a foot fantasy, versus 18% – so, three percentage points lower – of straight men.
MIKE JOHNSON
Is that what the Mariah Carey song is about?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I think so.
KYLE GETZ
Yep. Yep. [singing] Just a foot, foot fantasy baby.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank you for singing, because I can’t.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, no problem.
MA JOHNSON
[singing] All I really want for Christmas- [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
[singing] Is your little toes on my dick.
MA JOHNSON
[singing] is your big foot in me. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Big foot in me… Big foot me! Um, and then compared to- For women, 11% of lesbian and bisexual women. So, the difference between gay and straight men is three percentage points.
MIKE JOHNSON
About four beers. [all laugh]
MA JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
But then it drops down significantly to 11% of lesbian and bisexual women have had a foot fantasy, and then 5% – so less than half – of heterosexual women. So it is just far less away- a heterosexual woman thing.
MIKE JOHNSON
Wow. You- No argument from you?
MA JOHNSON
Well, unless you tie me up. [all laugh] Then I’ll love whatever you want me to.
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MA JOHNSON
Oh yeah, Daddy. Love those toes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God. Okay, we’re done with this segment now. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Let’s keep exploring this. Uh, that’s the gayta!
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Do we want to do Ma Johnson’s segment?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
Do we?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
We- I definitely do.
MA JOHNSON
Doo-da doo-wa. Or do we want to take a break? Because I need a drink. [Ma and Mike laugh]
KYLE GETZ
We can take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
Well…
KYLE GETZ
Unofficial.
MIKE JOHNSON
An unofficial break?
KYLE GETZ
It’s just gonna be a quiet…
[Silent audio cut]
KYLE GETZ
Ma Johnson, what do you have for us?
MA JOHNSON
Well, I- It was a big, busy day flying over here. Boy, my arms are tired.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm, mhm.
MA JOHNSON
Um, and Michael picked me up at the gate 16 or whatever, and we went- we couldn’t go to Biscuit Bitch, because they were- too much of a line. But we did go to a fabulous restaurant, and the soup of the day was Red Bull and vodka. [Kyle laughs] So yeah. Where did we go, Tito’s?
MIKE JOHNSON
Poquitos. We went to Poquitos.
MA JOHNSON
Poquitos.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Tito’s just the vodka.
MA JOHNSON
Like, little- Little TT’s. Little Poquito TT’s. Um, anyway, so when I got my, you know, unpacking, etc., etc., figured out, I looked up slang words for feet.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MA JOHNSON
In alphabetical order.
KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, sure.
MA JOHNSON
Okay, here’s a good one: “dog meat”.
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
“Dog meat”?
MA JOHNSON
“Dog’s meat”, yes.
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Cause the dog is all the way down there, and it-
KYLE GETZ
Ohhhhh, and it’s lickin’ meat!
MA JOHNSON
“My dogs are barkin’!”
KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON
Ohhh.
KYLE GETZ
I was thinking my dog licks my feet.
MIKE JOHNSON
I was thinking your dog licks your feet.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. [laughs]
MA JOHNSON
And then neighbor, and then you take ‘em both out for- to poop. Um, yeah, it’s like the old rhyming slang in rural America that refers to feet, “My dog’s meat are achin’ so bad, I need more comfortable shoes.” Yeah, “My dogs are barking,” that’s kind of a one.
KYLE GETZ
I heard that one, not the other one.
MA JOHNSON
That’s from Cheers.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
MA JOHNSON
“Foot bottom”, ooo.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
MA JOHNSON
I didn’t know that was in there.
MIKE JOHNSON
That was- That was Kyle just last week!
KYLE GETZ
A foot bottom?! Yeah, I guess- I guess-
MA JOHNSON
Jamaica, mon! Oh, a Jamaican slang for soles of the feet. “My mother deserves some spa treatment to help remove the calluses on her foot bottom,” and that’s bullshit. “Footgasm”, now that’s a good one. [Kyle laughs] Uh, my feet make a hole. “A sensation of extreme relief, relaxation, and bliss coming from a good foot rub or massage.” Yeah. “Important”-
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, are you into having your feet rubbed?
MA JOHNSON
You know, I- Ah… Mmm… I will- I will rub feet.
MIKE JOHNSON
Kyle, are you?
MA JOHNSON
I mean, I don’t have- But, here’s the thing, you have to have like a volunteer, or an agreeable counterpart right?
KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
But I do enjoy a pedicure, but not for that reason. But just because it’s part of it, I think “Oh, that’s really relaxing and nice,” but…
KYLE GETZ
I like my- I like foot rubs, but also I’m like- My feet, I think, are kind of weird looking, so I don’t know.
MA JOHNSON
What?
KYLE GETZ
That’s one of those self-conscious things that I might not do as much as…
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, well…
KYLE GETZ
Do you like your feet rubbed?
MIKE JOHNSON
Like- I also like a pedicure from time to time, but not because of the rubbing of the feet. I just like to get my Fritos shortened every now and then. [Kyle chuckles]
MA JOHNSON
That’s right.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, I like- I like- I don’t know. I don’t know that I’ve ever had, like-
MA JOHNSON
It’s kind of like a, just a person- just a human touch- human skin-to-skin kind of thing.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. You’ve never had someone rub your feet?
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t think so.
MA JOHNSON
Oh yeah.
KYLE GETZ
You- Like, you’re on the couch and you put your feet up, and then you’re like, “Rub them.”
MA JOHNSON
Oh, they’re- It’s great.
MIKE JOHNSON
No, not really. No.
KYLE GETZ
Really?
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, true.
MIKE JOHNSON
But I have gotten a massage before, but by the time they get to my feet I’m already asleep.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. I’m- Just, whatever next partner you have, just like, one time just be like, “I’ve never had this.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. Great.
KYLE GETZ
“Do my feet.”
MA JOHNSON
And you could do it without protection. You could take your socks off, it’s fine. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
If you want to risk it.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, risk it. Okay, another one: “Hoof” or “hooves”.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
And, you know, it’s pretty- pretty straightforward, basic. You’re a horse. Yeah. We’re gonna go to Hopalong Cassidy, which everybody here-
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] What?
MA JOHNSON
Hopalong Cassidy. Your way- You’re- Like, your grandparents don’t even remember this dude. It’s an old cowboy character, yada yada, but it’s-
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s not Butch Cassidy?
MA JOHNSON
No, no Sundancin’ here, buddy.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. Alright.
MA JOHNSON
No.
KYLE GETZ
I’ve never heard this.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, it’s very- Probably silent movies. I don’t know. So, somebody with an injured foot or leg, you know, is a hopalong.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
MA JOHNSON
Like, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
Got it.
MA JOHNSON
“Las”- Another Mexican one, I think. Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
“Las Patrullas”.
MA JOHNSON
“Patrullas”.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Las Patrullas”.
MA JOHNSON
Lots of Ls with- that are Ys really.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Spanish one.
MA JOHNSON
Um, literally translates to “Officers on the beat”, so they’re talking about Mexican slang for foot, feet legs, but it would be pertinent to, like, an officer on the beat sort of thing.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, like feet on the ground.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I like the idea of calling your toes cops, because you can just walk all over them.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] All toes are bastards.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] All toes are bastards.
MA JOHNSON
“Plates of meat”, Cockney.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh yeah.
MA JOHNSON
[in a Scottish accent] You fuck one goat. Um, rhyming slang for feet.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know if that is Cockney rhyming slang, but cockney rhyming slang is usually the first part of a phrase that rhymes with the thing that you’re actually talking about, so they would refer to their feet as “plates”, because “plates of meat”, “meat rhymes with “feet” so therefore feet are “plates”. Anyway, go ahead.
MA JOHNSON
It’s a bad day to be in Ireland and smoke crack. I don’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t- Correct me if I’m wrong, y’all that’s out there, but that’s what I know about Cockney rhyming slang.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, y’all. Here we go. Cock-ney. [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] Putting the “cock” in “Cockney”.
MA JOHNSON
Cock on the knee in the feet.
MIKE JOHNSON
If it’s down to your knee, call me. [laughs]
MA JOHNSON
[clears throat] Woo-oo! “Popcorn.”
MIKE JOHNSON
“Popcorn.”
MA JOHNSON
Yeah. “A gross reference to” – oh, good – to “thick calluses on the feet that look like popcorn.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Eugh, God.
KYLE GETZ
Wow, interesting.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, then we’re gonna go to “tootsies”. We know that one.
KYLE GETZ
Uh-huh.
MIKE JOHNSON
My favorite movie about a drag queen.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm, mhm, mhm.
MA JOHNSON
That’s right. “This slang is used to substitute toes and feet in a common setting.” And “uggies”.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Uggies”.
KYLE GETZ
“Uggies”? That’s mean.
MA JOHNSON
“Australian slang for something that keeps the feet warm,” so UGGs or very expensive boots, whatever.
MIKE JOHNSON
So you can say you have uggo uggies?
MA JOHNSON
Ah, ugly uggies!
KYLE GETZ
Ah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MA JOHNSON
Uggos. Yeah. “Wrap-up”, “Hey! Congrats!” Oh, no, that’s the wrap-up.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. [laughs]
MA JOHNSON
That’s all. So there you go. I don’t know how many that really was, but, um, there you go.
KYLE GETZ
Some of those I’ve never heard of.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, me neither.
MA JOHNSON
Me too.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s funny, because we have so many like- Like, how many words are there for dick? There’s like four fucking million of them. Or vaginas, for that matter?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But like-
KYLE GETZ
None of those were as common. Like, that’s not a-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, but feet. Like, I can’t think of, like, anything that you regularly-
MA JOHNSON
“My dogs”.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Dogs”, yeah. “My dogs are barking,” but like, that’s kind of it, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Huh.
KYLE GETZ
We care less about-
MA JOHNSON
Sapatas?
KYLE GETZ
Sapapas.
MA JOHNSON
“-patas.” Yeah. Alright. So let’s go on to the next segment of-
KYLE GETZ
That you, Mike?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, I- I-
MA JOHNSON
Where’s my penis definition?
MIKE JOHNSON
We can do this really quickly.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, this- this isn’t- This isn’t gonna be a lengthy segment, but- Uh, reflexology is the idea that foot massage, or, alternatively, hand massage, can specifically help parts of your body in a mapping kind of way.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah! Yeah. I always was dubious, like, “Yeah, you press your palm in this one spot, and that’ll make it so your headache goes away,” or “That’ll manifest gloryholes,” or whatever.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes. Yeah, that is- That is reflexology, yeah. So, it’s the idea that, like, every part of your body has a place on the bottom of your foot that corresponds to it, and that you can restore balance and solve problems in that other area by massaging that proxy area on the bottom of your foot, or, again, on the palm of your hand. It’s- There’s like- Apparently, reflexologist believe that there’s an energy field – or Qi – that is being blocked that can prevent healing, and so then that’s like, you gotta, like, get your Qi going. I don’t know. It’s just- The whole idea is really fascinating to me, because it’s been around for a really long time. It was brought to the United States in 1913 by William Fitzgerald, MD, and he showed that there were a bunch of, like, historical traditions that had elements of reflexology. But he- He’s one of the first came up with this idea that it could have an analgesic effect, or an anesthetic effect, that you could- they could get rid of a headache by squeezing right here or also on the bottom of your foot.
KYLE GETZ
This sounds like a chiropractor, is like, it could sound medical and like it’s real but it’s not actually. This is giving me those vibes, but maybe that’s just because I’m judgy.
MA JOHNSON
So it’s just like a sort of- a, um, acupuncture-ish sort of a-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Although, it amazes me that they fucking pay for acupuncture. Insurance pays for acupuncture.
MA JOHNSON
I love the poke. [chuckles] No.
MIKE JOHNSON
It should be said: there is no convincing scientific evidence-
KYLE GETZ
Okay, there-
MIKE JOHNSON
-that reflexology is effective for any medical care.
KYLE GETZ
There it is.
MA JOHNSON
There it is.
KYLE GETZ
Once you started talking about energy fields or whatever, I was like “Yeah, I think I might be out.”
MA JOHNSON
Quantum bullshit. [All laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But I was fascinated with the idea when I was a kid, and mom’s dad actually – Grandpa Bob – gave me a book on reflexology, and for a little period of time there there was a young Mike Johnson that was running around going like “Oh, my throat hurts, I’m gonna rub my” – you know – “sole,” or- I don’t- Anyway. Anyway, that’s reflexology it’s just the whole idea that, like, your feet are magic and you can fix your sinusitis by rubbing your big toe.
MA JOHNSON
That’s why we pick our nose… with our foot. [Kyle laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I don’t think I could. Um, okay, so-
MA JOHNSON
Watch this! Hold my beer!
KYLE GETZ
I have a couple things I have not- There’s was a poem, I have some top sexual fantasy things, but I think what I’m gonna wrap- I’ll do those in Patreon.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
What I want to wrap it up with is foot tapping. [Ma gasps]
MIKE JOHNSON
Foot tapping. Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
Is that like this? [taps]
KYLE GETZ
Or is that just, like, the phenom-
KYLE GETZ
Nope. It’s the- The phenomenon of what, Mike?
MIKE JOHNSON
Of, like, the moving- Jumping your leg up and down by tapping your foot?
KYLE GETZ
Nooo.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh! Oh, no, this is how Senator Larry Craig ended up getting kicked out of Congress.
MA JOHNSON
Ohhh, like, in the stalls.
KYLE GETZ
There it is.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
Better memorize the shoe type when you see him outside the john. [Kyle laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
I, legit, sometimes will sit crooked on a public toilet because I don’t want them to even see my feet and think I’m tapping at them.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm. I will tell you the process, so that you don’t accidentally do this. It is not just, you put your foot there and it might be mistaken and now you’re in-
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, is this like when you teach your dog when to bark so that it doesn’t bark at other times?
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
But you won’t- But also, you won’t- My dog sometimes barks at random things. You will not accidentally do this.
MA JOHNSON
Okay.
MA JOHNSON
Pavlov involved in this tapping?
KYLE GETZ
Well- Pavlov’s foot. [chuckles] That’s a weird fetish. Okay. Most of what I’m about to tell you was from an article on MEL Magazine by Jake Hall, and what we’re talking about is called “tapping”, for those that don’t know. There is a thing where, underneath bathroom stalls, you can tap your feet and do a specific thing to know- to signal to people that you want to, like, get down sexually with them.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
And part of the reason-
MIKE JOHNSON
In the stall?
KYLE GETZ
In the stall, through the stall, you know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I always assume that means, like, one of us is gonna put our dick under the thing into the other stall, but like, that’s it? Like a glory hole situation but very low to the ground?
KYLE GETZ
Yes. Yes, but the glory hole is a long stretch [Mike laughs] of open space at the bottom of the thing. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Or there’s also, you can present your ass.
MA JOHNSON
Or you can present your feet that make a hole.
KYLE GETZ
Or- Oh yeah, that’s a risk. Do like a little-
MIKE JOHNSON
Ohh.
KYLE GETZ
What?
MA JOHNSON
Mind blown.
KYLE GETZ
Yea, that you can, like, put your ass out?
MIKE JOHNSON
Dick blown. No, all of this.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, all of this.
MIKE JOHNSON
All of this.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, great-
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, first, the journey I went on-
KYLE GETZ
Uh-huh?
MIKE JOHNSON
-was first I was like, “Could I get my hole down there? I don’t know. Am I willing to try? Nope, maybe for science?” And then- And then- And then I was like- And then Mom said the thing that she said. I was like “Oh my god, take your socks or shoes off and put your foot vagina under the hole.” Like, that’s-
KYLE GETZ
Ohh. That’s a risk. That’s a “Boy, I hope you’re one of those 10% of people that are into this.”
MIKE JOHNSON
God, the poor custodian, like, just wants to clean the bathroom, and rolls in there like-
KYLE GETZ
I mean, “custodian” is what I call my tongue.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
MA JOHNSON
Mm.
KYLE GETZ
It’s gonna clean that shit up.
MIKE JOHNSON
Let us know if you’re into that, everybody.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Um… [Ma laughs] Okay, one of the reasons it originated is because gay sex was criminalized, so gay men specifically have to find other places to do this.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
It- One of the-
MIKE JOHNSON
Just like life in Jurassic Park, gays will find a way.
KYLE GETZ
Gays always find a way, for sure. An early example: in 1964, LBJ’s a Walter Jenkins was arrested for soliciting sex in the men’s room of a Washington YMCA.
MIKE JOHNSON
Apparently LBJ had a giant penis and would show people all the time.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, in the White House.
KYLE GETZ
Putting the J in LBJ. Putting the BJ in LBJ? No, never mind. Come back to me.
MA JOHNSON
Marilyn.
MIKE JOHNSON
Derek, look that one up!
MA JOHNSON
Look it up!
MIKE JOHNSON
Am I making that up? Is there a different president?
MA JOHNSON
JF Fuck. K.
MIKE JOHNSON
I think it’s- I think it was LBJ.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Um, so, restroom hotspots are, in the UK, called “cottages”, in the US are called “tea rooms.”
MIKE JOHNSON
I’ve heard it called “cottaging” before, and like-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yep. Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
-that just makes me think of cottage cheese, which I’m-
KYLE GETZ
I don’t love it.
MA JOHNSON
Fromunda. Fromunda, right? Like cottage cheese?
MIKE JOHNSON
Fromunda?
MA JOHNSON
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Fromunda cheese? Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I don’t love that name. Okay, [Mike laughs] and here is the process.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. Step one.
KYLE GETZ
Step one: gay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Cut a hole in a box. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Okay. Um, you tend to pick the furthest stall from the door. Some people do this strategic; if it’s an airport they’ll put their bags down kind of in front of the door to block a little bit of the view from other people.
MIKE JOHNSON
A privacy curtain made of luggage, sure. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Yep. Yep, yep. Uh- Us gays are nothing if not resourceful.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, you pull your pants and underwear all the way down around your ankles to the ground.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
And you-
MIKE JOHNSON
You don’t? [laughs]
MA JOHNSON
Everyday. Hello?
KYLE GETZ
Do you pull your pants all the way down?
MIKE JOHNSON
If I’m gonna shit.
KYLE GETZ
But like, I don’t put them all the way to the ground!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes!
KYLE GETZ
You do!?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes!
KYLE GETZ
Okay, that’s-
MA JOHNSON
Do I?
KYLE GETZ
You’re looking at me like I’m the weird one. You’re the weird one.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, weigh in, everybody. Like, I- Yes, I-
KYLE GETZ
Not all- You, like, pull them down enough, like to your legs, but you don’t put them around your ankles.
MIKE JOHNSON
All the way down. All the way down.
KYLE GETZ
Why? What do you need that much leg breathing room for?
MIKE JOHNSON
You don’t know my process, Kyle. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I don’t- I didn’t want to, but here we are.
MA JOHNSON
It’s way better than he was little, walk into somebody’s house and just strip naked.
MIKE JOHNSON
Because my- my massive, giant cock and balls is in the way if I don’t have- if I can’t spread my knees apart far enough to make room for them.
KYLE GETZ
O- Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
And the only way to accomplish that is to put my trousers on the floor.
MA JOHNSON
Unless there’s a Squatty Potty. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Ma Johnson, when you go into a stall do you take your- do you put your pants all the way down around your ankles?
MA JOHNSON
Girls are way hell no different. No.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, so you say no. You- Yeah. Okay, Mike’s the weird one. Cool.
MA JOHNSON
Do you guys put the paper toilet liner-
MIKE JOHNSON
No, that’s the dumbest invention.
KYLE GETZ
Nooo.
MA JOHNSON
That’s bullshit, isn’t it?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I just, like, give it a little wipe usually.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, I know.
KYLE GETZ
We’re not talking about that, even though Mike’s weird and all.
MA JOHNSON
Don’t cover up your shoes with your pants and underpants, right?
KYLE GETZ
Well, you need- Your- You need your shoe or foot to be free, because the next step is put it a little bit over so the other person can see, and tap. You start slowly. The other person will tap, and they’ll- you’ll go-
MIKE JOHNSON
Tap once? Tap, like, SOS? Tap-
MA JOHNSON
Like [taps].
KYLE GETZ
Um. There is this theory that historians – gay historians – have not validated, or, in this article they were like “I asked three people, and these gay historians have never heard this, but, you know, some things are lost a time,” blah, blah, blah. But anyway, one theory was you tap 4-2-9, which spells “gay” if you’re hitting it on a phone pad.
MIKE JOHNSON
Nobody can count to nine in a public bathroom. [Kyle laughs]
MA JOHNSON
What? Morse code. No. No.
KYLE GETZ
If you’re in a public bathroom you can’t count to nine. That’s too much for you, you got poop on the brain. Um, so, then, after the-
MIKE JOHNSON
Must be poop on the brain.
KYLE GETZ
I was thinking that, and didn’t do it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, good. Yeah. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Uh, then you graze your feet.
MA JOHNSON
What’s a graze? What?
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, rub them together like you’re a cricket? [Ma gasps and makes cricket sound]
KYLE GETZ
But like, I don’t think you go like [makes a rambunctious cricket sound]. I think you- Because all of this is- You gotta make it seem like it could be innocent. So you’re gonna graze first. You’re gonna pass it by.
MA JOHNSON
I wanna see you do a video of this one.
KYLE GETZ
I wanna see me do a video of this.
MA JOHNSON
I know, right?
MIKE JOHNSON
Rub your feet together, but make it sexy, but make it casual.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
No, no, no, not- Don’t rub your own feet together. You’re grazing their foot.
MIKE JOHNSON
See? I’m glad we clarified. I would have been, like, [laughing] rubbing my feet together like a weirdo.
KYLE GETZ
Mike, you’re just like- [Ma makes a cricket sound] Well, you can’t because your pants around your ankles. You don’t have the foot dexterity because you got rubber bands around your-
MIKE JOHNSON
Just to spite you, I’m gonna take everything off and hang them up on the hook. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know why I’m so angry- I don’t know why I’m so angry at this.
KYLE GETZ
Then you wave your hand under the stall.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
Some people, when they do this, will ensure their wedding ring is visible.
MA JOHNSON
Is there a white flag on that, like a toilet paper? Waving that shit?
KYLE GETZ
I surrender to our sexuality.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh God.
KYLE GETZ
Then- So, all of this is to- So, like, many of these steps-
MIKE JOHNSON
Why is that step necessary if you’ve gotten to the “we’re playing footsie”, isn’t, like, we’re already clear what’s happening?
KYLE GETZ
All of this is “Let me be sure that I know it’s happening, in a plausible deniability kind of way.” So, if I graze your foot, that could have been an accident.
MIKE JOHNSON
No, it could not have! But go ahead. Go ahead.
MA JOHNSON
No.
KYLE GETZ
Yes. Yes it could! I could move my foot and it accidentally touches-
MA JOHNSON
You know what is not an accident?
KYLE GETZ
What?
MA JOHNSON
You kick into Adele. [singing] Hello, this is me. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
If you sing that from your stall you definitely want to get fucked. [all laugh]
MA JOHNSON
You’re definitely- Definitely.
KYLE GETZ
Um, so then you wave your hand, then you- This is where you present your dick or ass, or it said “The other option is then you wave your hand to say ‘No, you go first.’”
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. [chuckles] Do the “come here” gesture.
MA JOHNSON
Red Rover.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MA JOHNSON
Red Rover.
KYLE GETZ
So, okay, that’s the process, and, like you said, one of the most notable times this happened Larry Craig, a Republican, in 2007 was-
MIKE JOHNSON
From Idaho? Is that where he was from? I think so. Anyway, go on.
MA JOHNSON
Probably ho-ing it, probably.
KYLE GETZ
I was gonna say, he is da ho, but in the bathroom. No judgement, hashtag-
MA JOHNSON
Could you like, present your mouth?
KYLE GETZ
Oh, that’s a good idea, but then I think you see your face, which, I think part of the goal is not to-
MA JOHNSON
Do you not have duct tape with you? That’s not a thing?
KYLE GETZ
Wait, where does the duct tape go?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes, he is from Idaho.
MA JOHNSON
Yes, he’s from Idaho.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, both of you, focus! We’re almost there! [Mike laughs] I have to scold both of you, including you, Mike!
MA JOHNSON
The blindfold. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Hot. Okay, Larry Craig and 40 others were arrested, a-rested, in a public restroom in the main terminal of the Minneapolis Saint Paul International Airport-
MIKE JOHNSON
Hold the phone.
KYLE GETZ
-in 27 [TN: 2007], from May to August.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hey, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
What’s up?
MIKE JOHNSON
40?
KYLE GETZ
40.
MIKE JOHNSON
Four zero?
KYLE GETZ
Her and four zero other people were arrested.
MIKE JOHNSON
In- At the same time?
KYLE GETZ
Uh, no, no, no, from May to August.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God, okay.
MA JOHNSON
Oohh.
KYLE GETZ
So like, they have these stings that seem to go over a period of time, not one day.
MIKE JOHNSON
I was just- [laughing] It was a 40-dude orgy at the C gates. [Ma laughing]
KYLE GETZ
That’s hot.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
I wish.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
We’re not talking about my fantasy, we’re talking about reality here, Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, another recent example that I saw in the news- Oh, no, no, no. Something I wanted to mention…
MA JOHNSON
Mention.
KYLE GETZ
Caution, Mike Johnson.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes?
KYLE GETZ
Some of those 40 people arrested not for doing this whole, you know, toe-tappy- like, this whole thing. Oh, the reason he got caught is there are often, like, undercover police officers that know these codes, and some of them will get arrested just for doing these codes, which, none of what I described is-
MIKE JOHNSON
Illegal or should be.
KYLE GETZ
-should be. Should be legal, but they arrested anyway, and that’s part of the having plausible deniability and several steps to make sure. It’s like- Yeah, so he apparently got arrested-
MIKE JOHNSON
Counterpoint.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah?
MIKE JOHNSON
If I’m dropping a deuce and your foot touches my foot, I should legally be able to stab you.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, that- Okay, yeah, that’s true. The glory hole is just a stabbing hole. Like- [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MA JOHNSON
Un-counterpoint: Can’t you just wave one of your hanky code colors under there?
MIKE JOHNSON
Ooh.
KYLE GETZ
That’s a good idea.
MA JOHNSON
Woo! Ay-oh, drop your hanky. I dunno.
KYLE GETZ
And then you can pass along a little bit more info on what you want, other than just-
MA JOHNSON
That’s right.
KYLE GETZ
Okay. But some of these- Some of these 41 suspects were arrested because they responded to online posts by men looking to arrange a quick hookup as they pass through the airport.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
So- So I’m just saying, if you use Grindr in the airport-
MIKE JOHNSON
Hypothetically. [laughing]
KYLE GETZ
I’m- Hypothetically. I’m just saying, watch out. Just watch out!
MIKE JOHNSON
I’ve used Grindr sitting next to you at the airport, so, like-
KYLE GETZ
I know! Whenever we go somewhere new, I’m like “Oh, Mike’s on Grindr right now.”
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Yes.
MA JOHNSON
Okay, what about Match?
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Match.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, I thought you said “Matt”, like my brother, Matthew. [laughs] Your other son.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah, what about Matt?
KYLE GETZ
Another example that they gave: in 2019, in DC in the Meridian Hill Park, there were 26 arrests in a one week period, so it’s-
MIKE JOHNSON
Good God.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, there are recent examples of gay men being arrested for this kind of behavior, which is, I don’t know, kind of weird to me. It’s like the tractor fucking, it’s like, how much harm is this really causing and what’s the priority? But anyway-
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] Yeah, unlike tractor fucking, this is really happening.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah. But-
KYLE GETZ
That’s true. This is real.
MA JOHNSON
Exactly, who- What? Like, you want to hook up, and then what is the problem?
KYLE GETZ
You are in a public space, so someone- Like, don’t involve other- Part of, you know, the whole, you know, kink scene, is-
MA JOHNSON
But you can sit at a bar and go, “Hey, you wanna fuck?” “Yeah, okay. Yeah,” and walk out.
KYLE GETZ
Mm. That’s my ideal.
MIKE JOHNSON
But you can’t then fuck at the bar, right?
MA JOHNSON
Oh, yes you can.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, you can. Should you? Is that legal?
MA JOHNSON
In the bathroom. In the-
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s a good way to get kicked out of Applebee’s, but the- [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, okay, when-
MA JOHNSON
Safeway, they hate it there!
KYLE GETZ
In How I Met Your Mother, when straight people do this – like, go to the bath- “We’re newlyweds, we will go to the bathroom and fuck.” – people celebrate it, they enjoy it, they think it’s hot, but if a gay dude does it, very different. I’m not saying either is okay, I’m just saying, part of this is not saying whether it is technically right or wrong, part of it is what is your judgment, and how is it different based on the orientation of the person we’re talking about?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
And I think-
MA JOHNSON
Right, right.
KYLE GETZ
Anyway, this is a part of gay culture. You will hear people talk about foot tapping, this is a thing, and I’m glad I’ve been able to illuminate it for all of you, and that I’m disgusted by Mike now.
MA JOHNSON
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Now? [Kyle laughs] It took this long? [Mike laughs]
MA JOHNSON
And Ma. And Ma!
KYLE GETZ
No, you’re still okay.
MA JOHNSON
Okay, good. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
But we- There’s more to this episode, so we’ll see.
MA JOHNSON
There we go.
KYLE GETZ
Um, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Did we do it?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah… we actually talked-
MIKE JOHNSON
Mom, did we do it?
MA JOHNSON
My vagina’s- Yeah, I’m good. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
“I’ve checked in with my vagina. We’re both good.”
MA JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
Um, we talked about more than fetishes, which I’m surprised that we did, so, good for us!
MA JOHNSON
And feet, and feet long.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
And increments of inches, feet, boy inches, girl inches. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
So many things. I don’t love the phrase “boy inches”.
MIKE JOHNSON
I do. I’m here for that one.
MA JOHNSON
Because they go like this, they go, “How big was your fish?” [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I don’t- Ohhh.
MA JOHNSON
Because there’s a girth and there’s a length.
KYLE GETZ
My goodness. Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
What?
KYLE GETZ
Help us out.
MIKE JOHNSON
What? Oh, should we take a break?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, let’s take a break! [Ma and Mike laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s take a break.
KYLE GETZ
You’re the only person that can get us out of this!
MA JOHNSON
[singing] Hello, it’s me. I’m on the other side of the bathroom stall. [Mike laughs] Rub my feet.
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s take a break, please, now. God.
[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
So, are we back?
KYLE GETZ
We’re back!
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re back!
KYLE GETZ
We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.
KYLE GETZ
We’re gonna do I Gayest & Straightest, but first, the Gayish Secret Santa is coming up. I believe they’ve landed on December 21st as the date for it?
KYLE GETZ
People- It’s too late. So, people have already signed up, we’re already- Make sure you remember to get your gifts and have- that they arrive in time.
MIKE JOHNSON
Exactly right. Yep. Uh, and, our website is gayishpodcast.com.
KYLE GETZ
We have several communities across the Internet, most prominently Discord, Facebook group, and on Spaces. You can actually find more about our communities that you can join at- Fuck, I- Uh, I think it is gayishpodcast.com/contact.
MIKE JOHNSON
Good work.
MA JOHNSON
/HashBrownMa.
MIKE JOHNSON
Do you- Do you know our hotline, mom?
MA JOHNSON
Uh, 1-800-Give-Me-A-Blowjob. [chuckles] No, I don’t.
MIKE JOHNSON
5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.
KYLE GETZ
Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.
MIKE JOHNSON
And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.
MA JOHNSON
And my phone number is 1-800-Get-The-Fuck-Away. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Uhh, let’s do our Gayest & Straightest.
MIKE JOHNSON
Nope, first the local gay bar review! We’re gonna do a local gay bar review.
MA JOHNSON
Doo-doo-do-do-do-doo.
MIKE JOHNSON
This time I’m gonna talk about the Round-Up Saloon in Dallas, Texas.
MA JOHNSON
Yeehaw!
MIKE JOHNSON
It is massive, that place is fucking gigantic. There’s a huge-ass dance floor and there’s a huge-ass upstairs.
MA JOHNSON
It’s not gay though.
MIKE JOHNSON
It is gayyy…
MA JOHNSON
Gayish?
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s gayyy.
MA JOHNSON
Oh, right on. Cool. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
It was gay when I was there, anyway!
MA JOHNSON
Nice.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, there’s dancing, there’s a pool hall, there’s an outdoors bar, there’s an upstairs hanging out place. This place is- It’s just- It’s gigantic. I went again with Dallas Check and Joe N Dallas when I was there.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, hey buds.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, um, there is a picture this time! I always forget to take pictures at the local gay bar review gay bars, but I definitely have a picture from this one.
KYLE GETZ
Nice.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, and, on top of being amazing and I loved it, a dude yelled at me across the upstairs decking, “You’re really handsome!”
KYLE GETZ
Aww! [Ma gasps]
MIKE JOHNSON
Four and a half dildos. [laughs]
MA JOHNSON
Ohh, of course!
KYLE GETZ
God, I’m just- The- What’s a bar gotta do, you know?
MA JOHNSON
Gotta hook up with Michael.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, I gotta- Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
You gotta get- You gotta do foot stuff in the bathroom for it to get five out of five.
MIKE JOHNSON
Exactly. But the bar also has to be good. Like, I got- So I got- I got laid in Argentina, but the bar wasn’t up to par.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
It needs to be a bar that’s up to par, and a going home moment.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, one alone does not cut it. Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Anyway, that’s- That’s that, so now we can do our Gayest & Straightest if you want to.
KYLE GETZ
Awesome, yeah, I’ll go first.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
Um, my gayest is going to gay trivia.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Quiz Daddy Chris does-
MIKE JOHNSON
You love it.
KYLE GETZ
Me?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I went and was reminded on why I don’t go. I don’t like trivia, I’m not good at it, I feel uncomfortable. So- But Quiz Daddy Chris does a great job running trivia, so that part’s fine. It’s me, I’m the problem. #TaylorSwift.
MIKE JOHNSON
Chris- Chris Haigy from the We Read Movies podcast.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Tuesdays at Madison Pub in Seattle, go.
KYLE GETZ
In Seattle, Washington.
MA JOHNSON
What’s today? I only eat on Sunday.
KYLE GETZ
It’s Tuesday.
MA JOHNSON
Oh, okay,
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Um, my straightest is: boy, I fell flat on my ass when I was walking over here.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. [Ma gasps]
KYLE GETZ
And- Because it’s raining and there was like a metal grate that I just decided to walk over. And you know those- when people are like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Were you wearing that black puffy coat?
KYLE GETZ
Uh, no.
MIKE JOHNSON
No, okay.
MA JOHNSON
Skirt-
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank God, because thing is like a toboggan. You would just, like- [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I’d just slide down the hill? I’d get here faster.
MA JOHNSON
Tripped on your skirt? No?
KYLE GETZ
I was wearing some pants-
MA JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
-so the situation set itself up to be not too bad. But like, you know, falling on your ass is the great equalizer. Everyone; gay, straight, dumb, smart, everyone can do it. I just felt like a regular human then.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
What about you, Mike?
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, yeah, okay, so the gayest thing about me this week: I went to brunch with my mom, and, you know, but especially throughout that process, just walking around Capitol Hill with her, and my joy at all of the gay shit. Fuckin’ rainbow crosswalks, and, like, a whole thrift shop that’s gay themed, and like, dude was wearing a pup mask just walking down the street [Kyle laughs] at like 11:30 this morning. It was- It was magical, and it felt super gay, and it was great. It made me happy to live in a city that has all that.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, that’s my neighborhood.
MIKE JOHNSON
And then, the straightest thing about me this week, which mom reminded me: the Jeep is disgusting. I’ve literally never cleaned it, and you can tell because there’s Boomer dog hair all over it.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh.
MIKE JOHNSON
I have not had him for like three or four years now, so, like, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
He may have died in there, actually. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
You add up all the hair, you might get a new Boomer.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, God, oh. #Goals.
KYLE GETZ
#NewBoomer?
MA JOHNSON
Hashbrown- Hashbrown CleanIt.
KYLE GETZ
Hashbrown CleanIt.
MA JOHNSON
One of those little, uh, air freshener little trees would not cut that. [Kyle chuckles] Okay, so my straightest is that I have a low- So, my car was going “Hey, flat tire, low tire,” whatever. So I have this little gauge, went around, checked all the tires.
MIKE JOHNSON
[emphasizing the “ge”] “Gauge”. “Gauge”.
MA JOHNSON
“Gauge”?
MIKE JOHNSON
I heard “gay”.
MA JOHNSON
What I’d say, “gay”? Oh-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I heard “gauge”.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
MA JOHNSON
I’m in this room, it’s just like, nyeh. Um, unscrewed the little doodads, did my tire pressure thing, da-da, yaddy-yaddy.
KYLE GETZ
You fix your car?
MA JOHNSON
Frequently- Well, ish. I drove it to Les Schwab, and they said I had a leaking bead.
KYLE GETZ
Seems pretty rude.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Get antibiotics for that.
MA JOHNSON
I know, right? Well, that’s a whole ‘nother segment. [Mike chuckles] And my gayest is: I went to brunch with my son, Michael Johnson, at-
MIKE JOHNSON
Poquitos.
MA JOHNSON
-Poquitos. Poquitos. And there were three gaggles of gays-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I bet.
MA JOHNSON
-and a gag. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Just one.
KYLE GETZ
Just one. Unfortunate.
MA JOHNSON
A ga. Guh. Ga. [Mike laughs] So, there you go.
KYLE GETZ
There you go!
MIKE JOHNSON
There you go.
KYLE GETZ
There you go, feet people, you’ve lost many times and this time you won, and-
MIKE JOHNSON
I hope it was worth it.
KYLE GETZ
-I hope it was worth it. [Mike laughs]
MA JOHNSON
My bunions thank you. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
You know, I- Thank you to all of the foot fetishists out there that just, like, hung in there with us, and they never lost hope, and they continued to lobby even despite the jaws of defeat.
MA JOHNSON
That’s right.
KYLE GETZ
Yep, they’re a resilient community that rely on each other for support, and love, and foot-cceptance.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
Plus they’re, you know, helping out the pedicure community.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
They put so much money back in the community.
MA JOHNSON
There we go. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, also, thank you to the following foot fetishists: Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, – Oh, hey! – Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Thomas B, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York. Thank you all.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank you all. That’s it. This has been Gayish, from the Chris Khachatourians studios. I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.
MIKE JOHNSON
See you next week.
KYLE GETZ
See y’all.
MA JOHNSON
Byeee. Love you, mean it!
MIKE JOHNSON
Love you, mean it.
[Outro music plays, instrumental]
MIKE JOHNSON
You know what else has feet?
KYLE GETZ
Uh, what?
MIKE JOHNSON
Derek’s wieners.
KYLE GETZ
Okay. [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, um- So- So-
KYLE GETZ
No. No, no, no, they have legs. [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
With feet on the end of them!
KYLE GETZ
That wiener has legs. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
MA JOHNSON
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, is this back to the metric system and other system? The feet, foot, inch system and the- What are they, meters? Millimeters?
KYLE GETZ
You’re measuring in feet.
MA JOHNSON
Feet.
KYLE GETZ
5855-Gayish?
MA JOHNSON
[in a high pitched voice] Never mind! [Mike laughs]
[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com