Gayish: 326 Assholes: Live from Treefort in Boise

Assholes. Where do they come from? Why do we love them? How do we take care of them? And who are they, really? We get the hole truth live from Boise for Podfort, part of the Treefort Music Festival.

In this episode: News- 10:46 || Main Topic (Assholes)- 19:41 || Gayest & Straightest- 56:07

On the weekly bonus Patreon segment, Mike and Kyle discuss a few more Am I The (Gay) Asshole questions from Reddit. Get bonus audio, video, and other great benefits by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]

When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hello, everyone in the Podfort universe. This is Gayish.

KYLE GETZ  

The podcast that is overflowing with vim and vigor. Vim and Vigor, the two Russian gentleman I met in the bathroom right before this. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike laughs] I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ

I’m Kyle Getz.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And…

KYLE GETZ

My dad sometimes [Kyle chuckles] listens to this.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, you know.

KYLE GETZ  

Hi, Dad.

MIKE JOHNSON

He knows what’s up.

KYLE GETZ

Um, turn this off. [Mike laughs] Um, uh, we are the podcast “Gayish”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

We talk about gay stereotypes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We do. Hello Boise. Hi Treefort. Good to see everybody. [audience applauds] Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

You’re all the nerds that came to see a podcast instead of the bands on the stage. We appreciate you. [both chuckle] Thank you for that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

You have so much, much cooler, shit to be doing and yet here you are.

KYLE GETZ  

And here you are.

MIKE JOHNSON

But thank you.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, just a quick reminder. I think it’s up there or in the notes, but this is a very not safe for work show. This is a sexuality podcast, and we’re gonna- we’re gonna tell you all kinds of things, so if that’s not something you want to hear then I guess you’ve been warned.

KYLE GETZ  

Should you have said that before I made my overflowing semen comment?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes, absolutely. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Okay. We’ll work on that for our next live show.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um… yeah. Okay, so how many of you – just show of hands – how many of you’ve heard Gayish before? …Excellent, that’s about half.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, fuck! Some of you! Wow! [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

That’s fantastic.

KYLE GETZ

That’s so exciting!

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, and so presuming – uh, show of hands – the rest of you are Gayish virgins, then that’s good. Excellent. Welcome. We like virgins. Um. Uh, show of hands if you identify as a member of the LGBT community. …Excellent. Also-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god, so many homosexuals! [both chuckle] Homosexuals who’ve seen- who have heard our podcast. That’s pretty impressive.

MIKE JOHNSON  

For those of you who are new, our show is about gay stereotypes. Every week, we try to break down some sort of stereotype, either about straight people or gay people, and why they don’t necessarily fit very well all the time. Um, and uh yeah, we’ve been doing this – it’s a long format show, usually an hour, hour and a half, weekly – and we’ve been doing it weekly for… it’ll be six years, next week. So we’ve been around the block. We have a lot of back catalogue people, who start and they will write in. They’ll be like “You just talked about, like, Trump getting elected,” and I’m like “Oh, fuck.” [Mike chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Or, this is what I do when I listen to my podcast, they start to get close to the pandemic and they’re like “This weird thing is happening!” and you’re like “Oh, honeys…” like “Give it like a month and then you’ll know what’s going on.” Oh, it’s- It’s- I hate getting to that point. I’m like “Go back to playing D&D, because it’s about to get real.” [Mike laughs] So you can experience that… [Kyle chuckles] again. That was supposed to be promoting us and our show. You can experience that. It’s fun.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, also, in the spirit of stereotypes, every single episode, we do our Gayest & Straightest at the end of the episode. That’s the stereotypically gayest thing about us in the last week, and the stereotypically straight- Gayest, straightest: one of each. Just to show that everybody has a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B all the time. So we will be asking y’all to share your Gayest & Straightest at the end of the show also, if you would like, and the first couple of victims get to go home with a Gayish coffee mug… Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

So start thinking about the gayest thing and the straightest thing you’ve done this week.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes.

KYLE GETZ

Or recently.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, recent memory. Um, it- For an inexplicable reasons, we never reveal the topic of our live show until further into the show. So you just have to wait longer, for no good reason whatsoever.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m very excited about this week’s topic.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I am too because we always ask the audience to yell it at us, [Kyle chuckles] and so we always pick really fun words to yell.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

This is no exception. Um… and uh, yeah. So- So we usually do the news for Gayish, and this episode will have a news section in it but we cut it for time and we’ll do it at a different time. But, before we go into the topic, I do want to point out that this week is Trans Day of visibility – that’s March the 31st – and it’s, now more than ever, important that we do our part to support our trans brothers and sisters because, uh, shit is not great right now, y’all.

KYLE GETZ  

I love the podcast Gender Reveal, talks about gender and these kinds of things, and they have a Trans Day of Staying in and Having a [TN: Nice] Snack. [Mike chuckles] So if you’re trans you can participate in whatever way you want.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, but for Trans Day of Visibility I wanted to really quickly read a opinion piece written by Jennifer Koslow last week, in USA Today, “I am the parent of a transgender child. What about my parental rights?” Florida, and Idaho, and lots of places in the country right now are really starting to take a stab at the ability for parents to give their trans kids the kind of care that they need. So I just wanted to read really quickly her letter. Um, “Florida Statute 1014 reads: ‘The Legislature finds that it is a fundamental right of parents to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their minor children.’ If HB 1421 and SB 254 pass into law, the state needs to update its language to say: ‘The Legislature finds that it is a fundamental right of some parents to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their minor children.‘ Sound familiar? Do you remember reading George Orwell’s satirical novella ‘Animal Farm’? I do. I vividly recollect that the pigs on Manor Farm transformed the original tenet ‘All Animals are Equal’ into ‘But Some Animals are More Equal than Others.’ What I never imagined, however, is that my family might be the subject of a similar dystopian nightmare. I am the parent of a transgender child. I should have the fundamental right to determine what is in the best interests of my child’s health and education. These legislations that would ban gender-affirming medical care for minors and put conditions on medical care for adults – and bills that would expand legislation related to educational institutions and instruction requirements – will all have the same impact. They undermine my parental authority. My family and no family I know has ever made a medical decision regarding their [trans] child without consulting a team of physicians. Having gender dysphoria is not being ‘confused.’ It is a condition where a person’s feelings about their body are out of alignment with the physical traits of their body. For some (but not all), gender dysphoria creates extreme distress. Decades of data on puberty blockers tell us that this is a safe medication to temporarily pause puberty. As transgender children become adolescents, gradually taking gender-affirming hormones is only done as an informed decision for them and their parents. HB 1421 and SB 254 undermine a parent’s fundamental right to make medical decisions for their child in consultation with their physicians. Other legislations fill me with equal dread. HB 1403/SB 1580 would establish a health care provider’s right to a ‘conscience-based objection’ to providing services to a patient. Imagine sitting in a hospital gown and a nurse or doctor comes in, looks at you and decides they aren’t treating you because you are transgender. Terrifying and humiliating at the same time. HB 1223/HB 1069/SB 1320 would result in a different nightmare scenario. Imagine sitting in a classroom and everyone knows you as Sally. And then this bill passes, and the teacher calls you James. Everyone laughs. Then the kids in the class begin to taunt you. What does the teacher do? Nothing. Why? Because, in Florida, it will be OK for a teacher and peers to intentionally misgender someone, which by its very nature is belittling. The Florida Constitution makes it a duty of the state to provide all children with ‘a uniform, efficient, safe, secure, and high quality system of free public schools.’ These bills would undermine every transgender child’s constitutional right to feel safe and secure at school. There have always been and always will be transgender people, including children. Aren’t decisions about their individualized care best made by their parents? Why is the state looking to make some parents second-class citizens when it comes to parental rights? I urge you to contact your state legislators and ask them to vote no on these bills.” If you have trans person in your life, reach out to them, especially on March 31st.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s very well written and very- Yeah, the people that are saying that it’s their right, like their parental right, are like… only if it’s their way.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Not- Yeah, it’s not actually about that. So.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Exactly right. Exactly right.

[record scratch sound plays]

MIKE JOHNSON

Hi, everybody, it’s Mike. You already knew that… or maybe not. A lot of people write in and they seem very confused about which of us is Mike and which of us is Kyle, which I- I don’t- I don’t- I don’t get it. I support you, I still love you, but- but like, I am Mike. This is Mike interrupting everything. Okay, we’re interrupting the live show, which is weird, for a couple of reasons. As you know, we were in Treefort, and because they only gave us an hour long slot we decided to cut the news to make sure that we could fit all the rest of the content in that we wanted to. And then, a little bit later, we got a 100 words submission from someone, that I’m going to read here in just a second, but it is time sensitive so we wanted to make sure that it got into this episode because it’s about elections next week. So what you’re gonna hear is first me doing the 100 words, and then you’re gonna hear the news that Kyle and I recorded separately while we were down in Boise, and then we’ll return you back to the live show at Treefort. This is from John Wong: “Hi, Kyle and Mike. Another 100 words for me this week, again to get out this vote. Hey, Gayish listeners, especially for those in Wisconsin. There’s a critical state Supreme Court race happening this coming Tuesday, April 4. The balance of the Wisconsin Supreme Court hangs on this election, which can decide the fate of LGBTQ rights, abortion access, and even voting rights and fair elections. So if you live in Wisconsin, please vote for Janet Protasiewicz, and if you don’t live in Wisconsin but live nearby in Illinois, Iowa, or Minnesota, consider making a quick canvassing trip, phone banking, or donating to the Wisconsin Democratic Party. Let’s make sure Wisconsin moves forward like Michigan and not backwards like Florida. Thanks again for the podcast as usual, and hope we continue to get out the vote. Best, John.”

MIKE JOHNSON [giving the news, recorded in Boise]

And now the news.

[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh God, Kyle. Okay, news the first.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uganda- [Mike sighs] Don’t go there.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So yeah, just last Tuesday Uganda’s parliament passed the anti-homosexuality bill. They said the quiet part out loud.

KYLE GETZ  

They just- Yeah, they just called it that. It wasn’t the “Family Act” or the, like, “Safe Children Act.”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Nope. A strict piece of legislation that expands the east African nation’s already horrific laws on homosexuality. Both sides of the government supported the bill. Only two people voted against it, out of the whole Parliament, which I forget how many people it is but it’s like 300 and something voted for it.

KYLE GETZ

Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uganda is just a fucked place, Kyle. Anyway, the new bill says that simply identifying as LGBTQ is illegal.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

So it’s like, you- No. You just can’t. You can’t be that.

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

And for those found guilty of what they’re calling “aggravated homosexuality” – that means butt sex-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, God.

MIKE JOHNSON

-the death penalty.

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, it can be aggravating. [Mike laughs] The death penalty?

MIKE JOHNSON  

The death penalty.

KYLE GETZ

Shit.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. And allies of the LGBTQ+ community could also face jail time for knowing about someone being involved in same sex behavior and not reporting it.

KYLE GETZ  

Wow. If you know about butt sex, you have to say about but sex.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yes. If you see butt sex, say butt sex.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. Shit. That sucks.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Uh, of course everybody’s freaked out, but the thing about Uganda that is really interesting to me is there have been white Christian folks, from the United States especially, but other English speaking countries, who have been going to Uganda to stoke the fires of LGBTQ hate.

KYLE GETZ

Mmm.

MIKE JOHNSON

And they’ve been pushing for this kind of legislation, in this like- They’re like, I don’t know, like trying to save them from the horrors of where we are at or something. It’s really- It’s really fucked up. There have been many, many missions on the part of Evangelical Christians to Uganda, in order to get them to act like this. And there’s also- We’ve talked about it on the show before, there’s this this disturbing thing of like “Homosexuality isn’t African,” is one of the messages, and it absolutely is. It absolutely is. The only reason it’s not now is because of colonialization and the white Christian influence on African culture. There were all kinds of different genders, all kinds of different sexualities in many parts of Africa historically, and this this rhetoric that the LGBTQ people are anti-African is just not historically accurate. But since when does the right give a fuck about accuracy?

KYLE GETZ  

And history.

KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So I’m gonna to cancel that stop on our tour.

KYLE GETZ  

Yes. [Mike chuckles] We may not- We may be going somewhere else instead.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, news the second.

KYLE GETZ

Great.

MIKE JOHNSON

Kentucky-

KYLE GETZ

Ew-ew.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. [Mike chuckles] That’s exactly what- Exactly- What?

KYLE GETZ  

I wanted something happy next. Did they start serving a new flavor of ice cream? Fried chicken ice cream?

MIKE JOHNSON  

The 16th of March Kentucky passed Senate Bill 150, which was called by the ACLU, quote, “The worst anti-trans bill in the nation.”

KYLE GETZ

Wow.

MIKE JOHNSON

It is one of the bills that has been percolating through state legislatures that would force people under 18 to detransition.

KYLE GETZ

Oh God.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, it bans trans-affirming care for minors but also would force the detransitioning – medical detransitioning – of anyone under the age of 18, even if their parent is on board.

KYLE GETZ  

And against medical advice. Like, against what doctors and medical associations have recommended.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Well, the governor Andy Beshear has vetoed it.

KYLE GETZ

Ohhh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. So, he’s a Democrat and on Friday he vetoed the bill. He said, quote, “tears away the freedom of parents to make important and difficult medical decisions for their kids. It tears away the freedom of parents to do what those parents believe is best for their kids, and instead has big government making those decisions for everyone, even if the parents disagree, and-” uh-

KYLE GETZ  

That’s- It’s not the human argument, that should be at the root of it, that like, you know, humans deserve the right- are trans and deserve gender-affirming care. But I like- That arguing almost seems like it would work better with the right, to be like “Get the government out of that and let parents make their own decision,” which is what they say they care about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

It seems like a smart political move.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Absolutely. Well, the Republican-dominated legislature is expected to override his veto-

KYLE GETZ

Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON

-here at the end of March, next week, so we’ll see. But at least a glimmer of hope that at least one person is trying to do the right thing.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Fuck.

MIKE JOHNSON

And news the last- I… I will call this a happy story.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [Kyle chuckles] I’m skeptical, the way you framed that.

MIKE JOHNSON

But- Well, Darcelle XV, who was an iconic Portland local drag queen, has passed away at the age of 92.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, I mean, she had a really good run.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So, like, we can strike a celebratory tone for her. She’s a legend. She died at 92. I believe I got to meet her once.

KYLE GETZ

Really?

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, yeah. Um, but she died Thursday of natural causes. Off-stage he was Walter W. Cole Sr., and Darcelle’s nightclub, the Darcelle XV Showplace, was a Portland nightclub that ran for more than 50 years. And the family is expected to continue to operate the club even after her passing. So she is in the Guinness World Records, in the 2016 version, as the world’s oldest drag performer.

KYLE GETZ  

Damn. That seems mean. [both laugh] Like, for drag- Like, it’s an insulting Guinness record.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep. Well, you know.

KYLE GETZ  

“World’s oldest”. Not just hyperbole.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. [Mike chuckles] I would go for a “world’s oldest podcaster”, but Big Fattie has a pretty good lead on us.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. [Kyle chuckles] Yeah, not yet.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Before creating Darcelle, Cole was a manager the Fred Meyer retail chain, ran a café called Caffé Espresso and a variety of bars in Portland. He bought what was called the Demas tavern, in 1967, in what was then a rough neighborhood of Portland, and started performing drag there. The first time was when he was 37, and he created the Darcelle persona with help from his life partner, fellow entertainer Roxy LeRoy Neuhardt. The name was based on a French actress named Denise Darcel, with whom Neuhardt had appeared in Las Vegas. The performances helped the business take off. The bar was renamed Darcelle XV Showplace, in 1974. Cole and Neuhardt had a long, gay relationship, even though Cole remained married to his wife Jeanette. Cole and his wife had two children; One, Walter Jr., has worked at the drag club for three decades and says that he’s going to keep it running.

KYLE GETZ  

Family business is not what I would expect from a drag… sh-

MIKE JOHNSON

[Mike laughs] Right.

KYLE GETZ

Like a- Yeah, a place that does drag like that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. Yep. Yep. Their house is on the National Register of Historic Places.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

So is the Darcelle XV Showplace.

KYLE GETZ

Damn.

MIKE JOHNSON

And Cole said becoming Darcelle enhanced, and perhaps even saved, his life. Quote, “If I hadn’t admitted who I was, I’d probably be dead by now.” “I’d be sitting on a couch retiring from Fred Meyer management. [That’s] not for me.” [Kyle chuckles] And anyway, raised a whole bunch of money for charities, is just an institution in the Portland drag scene and queer life in general, and she’ll be very much missed.

KYLE GETZ  

Aw. Yeah, you never, like, hear about old drag queens.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ  

Like, we just think of the ones that are on RuPaul’s Drag Race and they’re, you know, 20s and 30s. You don’t think about-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely.

KYLE GETZ

Like, your career like that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. And some of it, I think, is like… it’s a hustle.

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, I think it’s exhausting, probably. Like, I know a lot of drag queens that sort of- Like, they get into their 40s and they’re like “Fuck this noise. I’m out.”

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] “I’m out. I’m tired.”

MIKE JOHNSON

But it sounds like he was able to leverage it into a pretty stable and steady gig. Like, he’s not- He’s not hauling wigs across town in his trunk.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, so- You know.

KYLE GETZ

Like we saw at Dragfort yesterday. I just saw a bunch of like, you know, head mannequins with no hair because they were wearing it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Like, just their bags and all their shit.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, exactly. Well, that’s the news!

KYLE GETZ  

That’s the news. Um, are we now turning it back to live us for the rest of the show?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Hey, live us, don’t fuck it up!

KYLE GETZ  

Hope you did good!

MIKE JOHNSON

Hope you did-

KYLE GETZ

Get ready for the laughs, everybody… [both laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON [back at Treefort] 

Uh, are you ready to get into the topic?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah, let’s get into the topic.

MIKE JOHNSON

Are you sure? Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So we’re gonna count to three and then Kyle is gonna show you with a sign and it has today’s topic written on it, so I want you to, like, Family Feud-style yell it out as soon as you see the word. Are you ready? 1, 2, 3. Here we go.

AUDIENCE

Assholes!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, you nailed it! We’re gonna talk about assholes, everybody. [Mike chuckles]

KYLE GETZ  

Today we’re talking about assholes. Um, it’s kind of fitting, after what you just read. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. The Idaho State Legislature right there, everybody. And many, many other states across the country.

KYLE GETZ

Um, yeah, so-

MIKE JOHNSON

And we’re gonna talk about both kinds of assholes too!

KYLE GETZ

We’ll see- We’ll see what we talk about!

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s a cornucopia, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ

Cornucopia of assholes. [both chuckle] Um-

MIKE JOHNSON

A cornhole-ucopia?

KYLE GETZ

Corn- Yeah. You had to.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s a stretch.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

Are we talking about vim and vigor again?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Exactly.

KYLE GETZ

Do you want to define “asshole”?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uhh, you mean the person kind.

KYLE GETZ  

Do I? Yeah, I do. Actually, yes, I do actually need to narrow it down at some point. Yeah, I’m gonna define “asshole” at first.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Um, well, what do- What makes an asshole, to you?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh… God. Chewing gum while they talk? No, there was that sketch on Saturday Night Live of “The two a-holes do this. Two a-holes do that,” and it was Kristen Wiig and that other dude… um, uh… Jason Sudeikis, and they are like obtuse, generally rude, really pretty ignorant, and take up a lot of just emotional space in a room. Um…

KYLE GETZ  

Oh my god. You kinda did it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Did I?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Okay, so there’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

Hey, I know me some assholes, Kyle. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

There’s a guy who literally wrote the book on assholes. Aaron James, who’s the associate professor of philosophy at the University of California in Irvine – which, who knows us better than people in Irvine [Mike laughs] – wrote a book called-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Have you ever been to Irvine?

KYLE GETZ

No, I’ve worked with people from Irvine.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. You’re not wrong. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

He was… uh… So this book [Mike laughs] is called “Assholes: A Theory” and the- I almost- I came very close to reading the book… and then I didn’t. I learned there was a documentary about it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh! Okay.

KYLE GETZ

And I came very close to watching the documentary.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, but you didn’t? Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I read a review of the book.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

And that’s what I’m gonna tell you about. So their definition, in the New York Magazine- Which, the New York Magazine is like… you didn’t get into The New Yorker, right? Isn’t that what it is?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Ohh, I think I thought they were the same thing until right this second. [both chuckle]

KYLE GETZ  

I wrote “The New Yorker” and then looked back, and yeah. Um, uh- Some things I mentioned, which, I think you basically said these: a sense of ironclad entitlement, they feel superior, they are immune to your complaints even though he insists you listened to his, and – I like this – reflective but only to the extent that it allows him to morally justify his behavior.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh my god, that sounds like a former president.

KYLE GETZ  

That sounds like your former boyfriend. [both chuckle] Your former husband. Um, also he acts like this systematically. So it is all of these things with regularity. The best part about that article, in addition to helping me not have to read or watch a long nonfiction movie, is that they use the word “a-dar”.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, God. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Which, I really liked that, for finding an asshole.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

You’re an a-dar.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, yeah. [Mike chuckles] I love it.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah. So that’s the def-

MIKE JOHNSON  

How’s your a-dar? You think you’re pretty good at it?

KYLE GETZ  

Y- [Kyle sighs] Yes, for the wrong reasons.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Which, I don’t know if-

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause they turn you on.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Are we gonna talk-

MIKE JOHNSON

You’re into as-

KYLE GETZ

Are we gonna talk about that now?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Well, I mean, we can talk about it whenever, but, like, you’re kind of into assholes.

KYLE GETZ  

I… am. And- [Mike laughs] That is true, and I blame them.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s their fault for being hot? Is it-

KYLE GETZ  

Well, they’re just so fucking hot. And it’s really annoy- I don’t want to be this way, and I think I- [Kyle chuckles] I was born this way, Mike.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

I can’t control it. I’m into assholes, I’m into frat dudes, I’m into like bossy banker types, I’m into someone that would like get in front of you in a line and didn’t realize you’re there and I’m too soft spoken and I’m just like “Okay, I guess I’m in this spot in line now,” like “Okay, we’ve changed now.” I don’t know. I can’t help it. I don’t think I’d date them, but I really want them to nail me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike chuckles] I mean, please don’t date them, because that means they have to be in my life too.

KYLE GETZ

That’s true. [both laugh] By indirect association of assholes? Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, is- Anybody here identify as an asshole?

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god.

MIKE JOHNSON

There’s some people that like… like, like that about themselves. Like, they- That’s part of their persona.

KYLE GETZ

No?

MIKE JOHNSON

No?

KYLE GETZ

No? Okay. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, that’s good. You can stay then.

KYLE GETZ  

But like, is the thing about assholes you don’t- Do you know you’re an asshole?

MIKE JOHNSON  

I think some of them do. Some of the must.

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t- I think some of them think that that’s just how people are.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm… Mm. Mm.

KYLE GETZ

Um, Urban Dictionary has a couple definitions also, that I’m going to read to you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Let’s do it.

KYLE GETZ

Their definition of “ass-”

MIKE JOHNSON

They’re a treasure trove of comedy. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

A treasure trove… Uh, their definition of “asshole” is “Some[one] from L.A., New York … , Detroit, France, [or] Fort Wayne, Indiana”. [audience and Mike laugh] I don’t know- Do you know- Is there anything- Did this one person have a grudge against… fuckin’ “I’ll get you!” on Urban Dictionary?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, I don’t know. That’s hilarious though.

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t know. Or anyone “who go[es] to Harvard … and a few bastards from Canada.” [audience and Mike chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON  

That one I think I disagree with. I’ve never met a Canadian that I didn’t love.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, I think their assholery goes like… it’s so nice it’s condescending.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s like covert…

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah yeah. The covert asshole?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Um, another related word, “Assholy”: “Using your religious beliefs to justify your jackassery.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

That’s what’s going on right now in every state legislature.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

There’s an “asshoe”, “a hoe who likes doggy style”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike and audience laugh] Asshoe!

KYLE GETZ  

Do you like doggy style?

MIKE JOHNSON  

It- I mean, as long as there are no dogs involved, I suppose, yeah. Like- No, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Why not?

KYLE GETZ  

If someone has said “Let’s do doggy style” and hold up their canine… [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

I know- I know- I know you- I know you and I disagree a lot about sex stuff and-

KYLE GETZ

Okay… [Kyle and audience chuckle] I say, nervously.

MIKE JOHNSON

I had to- I had to think about it. I answered quickly because I’m nervous, because we’re in front of people.

KYLE GETZ

Okay, okay. No, I don’t like doggy style, and the reason is because, for me, connection is such a part of sex. I need to have access to, like, their eyes and face.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh. I don’t need connection but I like having access to their eyes and face. That’s weird. We accidentally agree on that. I don’t like doggy style.

MIKE JOHNSON

You don’t?

KYLE GETZ

I think my prostate goes the other way.

MIKE JOHNSON

Ohhh. [Mike chuckles]

KYLE GETZ

And like, it doesn’t-

MIKE JOHNSON  

You need dead doggy style. Like- [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

That’s the worst way to describe missionary. Okay-

MIKE JOHNSON

Missionary is dead doggy style! [audience and Mike chuckle]

KYLE GETZ

I… I miss my dog. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] There’s “asshold”: “the act of your girlfriend-” or, I added “or your boyfriend, or your partner…”

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

“the act of your girlfriend withholding anal from you”. “Asshold.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Ohhh.

KYLE GETZ

And there is “askhole”: “A person who constantly asks for your advice, [but] ALWAYS does the … opposite”.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike laughs] Like- That’s what I do to you. I ask you for advice all the time.

KYLE GETZ

Well- [Kyle sighs] I’m always right.

MIKE JOHNSON

No, you’re not.

KYLE GETZ  

I disagree. We can take this fight off-pod. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great. Great. Well, I’m gonna- I am gonna talk to you about the history of assholes. That’s a fairly common thing that I do on the show, is talk about the history of something and-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, explain how you’re going to do that with assholes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. I’m gonna talk about the history of your asshole, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle and audience laugh] It was born on a rainy day in April.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And mine and the history of everyone’s assholes, because it’s interesting to me that your holes – your mouth and your asshole – started in the same place when you were an embryo. Um, uh, for animals that are at least as complex as earthworms, the embryo forms a dent on one side very, very early on, and that little nugget – that little dent – sort of doughnuts and becomes your mouth and your anus. They come from the same place.

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

And it’s called the blastopore, which I- [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

That’s what I’m calling spit roasting from now.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I wanna get to get blastopored please. I knew you would like that.

KYLE GETZ

I love that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, yeah, it’s called the blastopore and then it- There- It has a bunch of stages of development but, basically, your- the hole that is formed is your anus and then it gets deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and then like kind of [Mike tries to make popping sounds] pops out the side – [Mike makes popping sound] that’s what I wanted to do – and forms your mouth.

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle chuckles] Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Just- ‘Cause there are jokes about, like- Have you ever seen the old cartoon of the guy that is like eating a string of sausages and like poop is just coming out? Like, you’re basically-

KYLE GETZ

No, [Kyle chuckles] I haven’t seen that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, you’re basically- Your body is basically just one big machine that turns groceries into sewage, right?

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Sure, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And it comes from the same- the same- the same place.

KYLE GETZ  

Huh. I had no idea.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, have you ever heard the phrase “Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and they all stink.”?

KYLE GETZ

Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

I have two. It turns out that that’s wrong, not everyone has assholes. Some people are born without an anus, it’s called “imperforate anus” and it is- They usually- They can catch it now, like, before the child is born and, uh, but depending on the severity they can, like, give you one.

KYLE GETZ

A manmade asshole?

MIKE JOHNSON

A manmade asshole.

KYLE GETZ

Alright!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Also, “asshole”, just as another word for “anus”, has, I think, the- I don’t- The scientific definition is just… I’m not- I’m not here for it. “Digestive tract waste expulsion opening.”

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle laughs] Fuck me my waste expulsion zone. [Mike laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

Right?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, it’s just so clinical sounding, and also kind of wrong. It’s for more than that. We should know.

KYLE GETZ  

There’s- Yeah. There’s a pleasure button inside of it.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s not for the pooping.

MIKE JOHNSON  

And then- Okay, so the etymology of the word “arse” comes from Proto-Germanic, which itself comes from Proto-Indo-European. Like, all of these like bodily function words that we’ve talked about on the show before are super, super ancient. Turns out humans are interested in the way our bodies are and how they work. And, uh- So all of those- All of those terms go way, way back. But the first use of the word “asshole”, that we can prove, is from 1500 and it was used for the body part, not for the person. Just-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, okay. Was it like Shakespeare or somethin’?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, I don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Don’t know.

KYLE GETZ

He just- He just started every word, so.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. I also think that that’s before Shakespeare, 1500.

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Anyway, um… And then it moved next to refer to the worst place in a region. Like, a quote, “The asshole of the world,” or, like-

KYLE GETZ

Like Cleveland.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Florida is the asshole of the US.”

KYLE GETZ

Oh. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

You know. That was the next meaning that asshole turned into.

KYLE GETZ

Huh!

MIKE JOHNSON

And then, uh- That was around by 1865, in print. And then the first use to refer to a contemptible person, the “asshole” definition, the kind that you’re attracted to…

KYLE GETZ

Mhm. Mhm.

MIKE JOHNSON

I guess you like both kinds too. I dunno.

KYLE GETZ

Eh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Okay. Kind of a bottom, right?

KYLE GETZ  

Well, it’s also like… I don’t know what you want me to do with this picture. Like, what the- I don’t see the appeal of like when people send you butt pics.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, got it. Got it.

KYLE GETZ  

Do you- Do you like that?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Not at first. Like, there are some guys on Grindr or Scruff like that’s how they say “Hello”: “Here is my hole!”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, there’s no words, just hole.

MIKE JOHNSON

And that’s not cool. That is not cool.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Please- Please ask consent before sending pictures of, really, any part of your body.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I also just don’t… I don’t know. I- I don’t know. I don’t think they’re, like, pretty to look at. Like, I don’t need to see a close up of it, you know?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know. That’s just me.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Okay. The “asshole”, like, to refer to-

KYLE GETZ

Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

-a person who is an asshole, is from 1933. And that seems, to me, way late.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I would have assumed we’ve been calling people “assholes” for a lot longer.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I absolutely would have also but, at least according to Etymonline, one of my favorite sites, it was 1933.

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Nerd.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, and- But it got- It got- It grew from there, like things do, and was widespread enough that by the 1970s Hustler magazine had their “Asshole of the Month” column and-

KYLE GETZ  

Wait, was it- Hustler magaz- Was it a person?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, where they would have- People would write in about their interactions with- encounters of the worst kinds of people.

KYLE GETZ

Gotcha.

MIKE JOHNSON

And one would win the Asshole of the Month and would be then put in Hustler that way. There- Until the early 90s it was on the list of words that you couldn’t say on commercial television in the United States, which I don’t remember that being the case because George Carlin always said it was “cocksucker”, “motherfucker”, “fuck”, “shit”, “cunt”, “cock”, and “pussy”, and “asshole” is not one of those.

KYLE GETZ  

They always beep the word “hole”. You know? Like, when they say “asshole”. I don’t understand why, like, “ass” is fine but “hole” is the offensive part of that word.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I don’t understand why they beep anything if we fucking know what you’re saying, right? Like, it’s just- The beep makes it better?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

I don’t- I don’t- I don’t get that at all. Um, but yeah, so that’s sort of the etymology of the word and where it comes from, and I just thought I’d share.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you so much. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] That’s our podcast. Um, I want to tell you a little bit about why – not just me, but – people are attracted to assholes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

So I-

MIKE JOHNSON

Again, the person kind?

KYLE GETZ

The person kind, yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Great.

KYLE GETZ

I- Yeah. Again, I just don’t need that hole pic. Um, there are- Some of the like pop culture magazine, or like articles and stuff, said some of the reasons are they come across as confident.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

So there are some positive qualities that you may assume a person has if they’re an asshole, and like confidence is one. There’s- A lot of them talked about very shitty masculine traits, or people don’t like men who show any kind of vulnerability or weakness.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

So there was, you know, some of these kind of- the stereotypes of masculinity that people assume from being an asshole.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Um, [Kyle chuckles] a lot of articles talked about the Cruel Intentions – the movie – as like maybe pop culture just trained us to like assholes?

MIKE JOHNSON

Wait…

KYLE GETZ

Did you see Cruel Intentions?

MIKE JOHNSON

Who’s in that movie? Ryan Philippe and… others. Et al. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, Reese Witherspoon and… Selma Blair? Yes. I’m seeing yeses. Thank you.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, thank you.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, I did- I did see the movie. I don’t remember assholes being like…

KYLE GETZ  

God, he was such an asshole and it was so fuckin’ hot!

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, okay. Alright. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Yeah! No, that’s- It was a perfect example. Um, uh-

MIKE JOHNSON  

He was- He’s hot independent of behavior, but-

KYLE GETZ  

Yes, but… add that…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

…double doozie.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ

Um, it mentioned daddy issues. Okay. But I’m gonna tell you, based on data… well, kind of why assholes tend to get people, romantically.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Let’s do it.

KYLE GETZ

Um, it is a study called “The Role of Overconfidence in Romantic Desirability and Competition” published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, in 2015 by a whole slew of people. It took like 20 researchers to figure out this information. So, in the study-

MIKE JOHNSON

Again, cancer. Let’s work on cancer, everybody. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

You know? Um, uh, people- So some of the studies, that we already have, say that- They- We can’t like actually, objectively measure “asshole” so they used overconfidence as a proxy for asshole. They- What we do know is that people assume other people accurately can self-assess. So when you act overconfident, people just think you’re that good. Like “Oh, they know what they’re talking about. They must…” you know “…belong”, or “…be right”, or whatever. Um, we also know – this really made me mad – in group tasks, overconfidence is seen as more competent than actual competence.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, [Mike chuckles] ask any woman in the modern workplace. [Kyle laughs]

KYLE GETZ  

Um, so they asked the question: we know some of that about overconfidence already, but what about in romance? So they did this quiz that I fucking love. This is- It’s called the “Overclaiming Questionnaire” quiz, which, it has you rank all these topics like 1-5, let’s say, on how well you are personally familiar with this topic. One out of every four, they made up. So one out of every- Like, they used the example of “ultralipids” or “sentence stigma” as just made up things.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

So if you, in rating your proficiency in these made up concepts, rate yourself highly, you are seen as overconfident. And so that’s how they judged who these assholes were.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Is that what’s happening to the word “woke”? Like, they’re just using it-

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle laughs] “I know what that means. Sure.” Yeah, I think so.

MIKE JOHNSON

Confidently fighting against it for, like- What does it mean? Can’t tell ya.

KYLE GETZ  

“Ultralipid” sounds real though.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Ultralipid”?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. It’s like a lipid, but more. [Mike chuckles] Um… I don’t know. Okay, so there was no link between overconfidence and romantic desirability, which surprised me. I thought, like, people who are overconfident would get people they want romantically more. And they do, but not for the reasons they think. They are not more romantically desirable. Overconfidence is seen as competent, which is a positive quality which attracts people to it, but it also- some people see it as arrogance, which detracts people, so it nets out even. So they actually don’t attract people more through that. So the reason overconfidence actually works is because it deters competition. When you see an overconfident person talking to, like, who you’re interested in, you’re less likely to go up to them and try to talk to them as well.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

So that’s the reason that overconfident people- That’s why assholes tend to get people more, is because other people aren’t willing to compete against them for the person they’re interested in.

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s like when I’m playing pub trivia and if somebody on the team just like confidently says “The answer is x,” and, like, then everybody just kind of… nods.

KYLE GETZ

You’re not even gonna say your dumb answer.

MIKE JOHNSON

Right, yeah. Exactly.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And then, when your dumb answer is the right one, you’re like “That fucker. He-”

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

“Why did he have to do that to me?” It’s the confidence trick.

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. Yep. So, people don’t want to compete with overconfident people, and overconfident people are more willing to like put themselves out there.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sure.

KYLE GETZ

So, according to the last line of this research study, “overconfidence might not only induce people to place risky bets, but might actually help them win—at least if they are gambling in the game of love.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Aww.

KYLE GETZ

Waw-waw. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Stick to researching, scientists. Um, so that’s the science behind why assholes get more people.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Wow!

KYLE GETZ

Why do I like assholes? That’s a different question, but-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Is it? Like, what- Is it the confidence?

KYLE GETZ  

I think it’s because I’m not going to talk to someone. That would involve me walking up to them and, like, saying stuff to them… I guess that’s [Kyle chuckles] the end of what I would have to do. But I don’t wanna do that. I don’t want to- I don’t want to move and talk. So if any- If someone comes up to me and talks, I will talk back to them. And so, if assholes are the ones that are approaching me, other people are less willing to approach me, than I think that’s… that’s more likely who then I would talk to or find.

MIKE JOHNSON

Hm. Hm. Interesting.

KYLE GETZ

You seem like you would absolutely hate any asshole, and leave.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

KYLE GETZ

Why? Where did that come?

MIKE JOHNSON

‘Cause that’s the right answer. [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

I know. God. I don’t know that we’re gonna figure out all my issues through this episode, but-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean, there is definitely something- Like, if there’s a dom/sub dynamic, I think that happens sometimes in this space – Right? – where for the person to so actively discount someone else, their feelings, their- who they are… Like, their- I could see that being like a little bit of a submissive appeal to being around someone who is so dismissive.

KYLE GETZ  

But an actual, like, dom/sub dynamic, they are even more attentive to your needs and wants and so they know that what you want is to be treated in a certain way. Like, it’s actually not the lack of caring or worrying what they’re into. It’s really overly-caring what they’re into, and then doing that, and that may mean – you know – like, giving them a lil slap on the face and spittin’ in their mouth or whatever. [Mike laughs] Or- Hypothetically. You know, like, whatever might happen. That actually leads into… Can I tell you about a Dan Savage article?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, I hope you do.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, there was a Savage Love article about why tops are such assholes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

And someone wrote in and said “Why are … tops such assholes?” and he wrote this thing about like “I don’t see why they treat people the way they do. They act like they’re so entitled,” and in the question that said they had a “general callousness toward bottoms or even a delight in the knowledge that it is they who get to ‘use and abuse’ bottoms,” which I think is what you’re talking about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Mm. Mhm.

KYLE GETZ

And yeah, I don’t think that’s the case in actual, like, dom/sub like relationships, but Dan Savage had on a guest to- [Kyle chuckles] His Instagram handle is @probottom-

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

-so you know he knows what he’s talking about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Talk about confidence!

KYLE GETZ

[Mike and Kyle chuckle] Mitchell, or probottom, said, quote, “From childhood on, men are systematically taught that sex is a matter of instinct instead of intention, … that our dicks are magical wands that bring people satisfaction just by showing ’em off and sticking ’em in people who don’t have one or aren’t using theirs. Gay men aren’t immune to these messages and even reward men who are loyal to straight-passing masculinity.” So there is something- The toxic masculinity that were brought up in absolutely affects gay men. Um, the other part of the answer to this question though is just like… who are you having sex with that doesn’t care what you want or need? Like, who are these asshole tops that you’re sleeping with? Like, you need to advocate for yourself or like fuckin’ kick them out so that they then learn they can’t treat people like that.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

They also said, on your filters, change it from “Searching for tops” to “Searching for verse tops” because then you get someone who like knows what it’s like to take a dick.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I think that’s the best advice [Kyle chuckles] that I heard in the whole thing.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I heard lots of people say that the way to be a better top is to learn how to bottom, because you gotta know. You have to know.

KYLE GETZ  

You gotta know.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Everyone, take a dick. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Do it for gay.

MIKE JOHNSON  

For science. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Well, uh, I’m gonna to talk about the other kind of asshole again, a little bit, but like… how to care- how to care- how to care for your asshole, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Umm… so-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I don’t- I don’t do much for my asshole, in the way of care.

MIKE JOHNSON

Really?

KYLE GETZ

I don’t think I- No. I mean, am I supposed to? I wash it.

MIKE JOHNSON

…That’s good.

KYLE GETZ

Thank you. [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s a start.

KYLE GETZ

Am I supposed to do more than that?

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean, we heard from Big Dipper- In Sloppy Seconds, we heard Big Dipper talk about he went and got a butt facial.

KYLE GETZ  

A butt facial, yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Um, but yeah, uh-

KYLE GETZ  

There was a drag queen on stage before, which is why it looked like she exploded. There’s- There’s a little bit of remnants of drag queen here, but she’s fine. She’s alive. She’s doing well. She’s comfortable with her family.

MIKE JOHNSON  

So there- A whole industry…

KYLE GETZ

A hole industry.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Spell “whole”. [audience chuckles] Yeah. A whole industry has built up around like caring for assholes.

KYLE GETZ

Asshole [Kyle chuckles] maintenance, aw.

MIKE JOHNSON

And, uh- In an article in The Village Voice, a New York paper, called “Britesmile for Bungholes” – [Kyle chuckles] this was this was in 2005 – was sort of analyzing “Where did this come from?” Where did this, like, whole industry come from?

KYLE GETZ  

Why do we feel the need to take care of our butts?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Exactly right. And it came- The best theory is that it came out of an episode of Dr. 90210, on E!, and porn star Tabitha Stevens visited a salon in San Fernando Valley to get her asshole bleached.

KYLE GETZ  

Wuh- Imagine being the person that is, like, credited as starting asshole care.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, so, it already existed or it wouldn’t have been there for her to go to to get this done.

KYLE GETZ

Okay. Right.

MIKE JOHNSON

But that’s when it like, took off.

KYLE GETZ

Huh.

MIKE JOHNSON

Like, all of a sudden like every plastic surgeon in the country is looking at anal rejuvenation, anal bleaching, um and all kinds of like products around… butthole care.

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle chuckles] Can I- I don’t think I know what “asshole rejuvenation” is.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I’m glad you… almost asked, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

[Kyle laughs] “Could you say it in the form of a question?”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Sure, so uh, anal rejuvenation is – at least according to Los Angeles Dr. Morel, Zuri Murrell – it is a specialty service offered by proctologist with the goal of repairing any abnormalities and restoring your anal region to its original form. So, there are-

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know-

MIKE JOHNSON

There are a bunch of before and after pictures, [Kyle gasps] that was not what I should be looking at at breakfast this morning. Um, not because the pictures bothered me, but I’m pretty sure that they bothered the waitress.

KYLE GETZ

Oh my god. [Kyle and audience chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, but- But uh, over time, due to age, genetics, ill health, and use…

KYLE GETZ

Use! [Kyle chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

The anal muscles stretch and lose their elasticity, and when that happens the sphincter muscles in the anus lose both their shape and their ability to function well, and that’s where this anal rejuvenation procedure is supposed to help. It’s designed to, quote, “spruce up the anus”. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

But like, your- Like, assholes and sphincters are buoyant. They’re- They’re resilient. They spring back pretty quickly. So like, I guess… yeah, over time, maybe? I dunno.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Well, and then there’s also- There’s also issues due to conditions like hemorrhoids, anal tags, polyps, skin folds, or anal warts. That is all under the umbrella of annual rejuvenation, getting rid of that.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Cleaning it up.

KYLE GETZ  

Those are like, medical- That’s not appearance, those are like medical things you gotta do.

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike sighs] Well, like skin tags are medically benign-

KYLE GETZ

Oh.

MIKE JOHNSON

-but impact the appearance. But I agree with- I’m not disagreeing with you. Just, for whatever reason, all of that- the appearance of those conditions is part of what anal rejuvenation is supposed to try to help with.

KYLE GETZ

Mm. Mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, and that’s not to be confused with anal reconstruction, which, this is bespokesurgical.com and they know who their audience is. Their page on anal reconstruction is [Mike chuckles] a shirt dude bending over. Um-

KYLE GETZ  

It’s like an Abercrombie ad [Kyle chuckles] from the 2000s. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yep. And the procedure is supposed to help with dissatisfaction with appearance, loss of control during intercourse or defecation, overuse of the anal muscles, and anal tearing hemorrhoid tissue and extra skin tags. Um, so yeah, there’s a whole industry around like making your butthole look good and it started with this this this porn star in 2005 and very quickly started being used by gay porn stars – bottoms in gay porn – and now it’s an institution.

KYLE GETZ

Hm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Speaking of gay porn stars…

KYLE GETZ

Ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

[dropping sound] …I dropped my phone. Um, do you remember when we got sent this stuff?

KYLE GETZ

We get sent some shit in the mail that’s-

MIKE JOHNSON

All the time. People send us things all the time, but this is-

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, I do remember this.

MIKE JOHNSON

-a brand called “Studio Ready”, and this is hot coffee scrub for your butthole and it is, uh-

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Like, wakes up your anus in the morning.

MIKE JOHNSON

It says “This handcrafted scrub contains a precisely blended ratio of cane sugars and natural oils specifically designed to revive and stimulate the skin on your derrière. For a fresher, younger, more moisturized appearance, once a day while showering massage onto your lower region for at least 30 seconds then rinse thoroughly with warm water. Finish with hot perfecting cream.” “Holt”. That’s “Holt”. I’m over 40, I can barely read anymore. Uh, “Finish with Holt perfecting cream.” Do you remember what it smells like?

KYLE GETZ  

No… Oh, that smells delicious.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Right, exactly. If you want your hole to taste like that, then you use this stuff.

KYLE GETZ

Can you eat it?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, I think-

KYLE GETZ

Nope. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] …Oh, it’s got a sugary aftertaste! Oh, that’s not bad!

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh, yeah, if anybody’s interested in, like-

KYLE GETZ  

Oh, no, it’s still- Ugh. Why’d I-

MIKE JOHNSON

What?

KYLE GETZ

I don’t- I can’t stop.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Oh, it’s delicious?

KYLE GETZ

No, it’s bad but it- But there’s like sug-

MIKE JOHNSON

You’re gonna put it on toast now? [Mike laughs]

KYLE GETZ

Fuck you, Nutella, there’s a new game in town, it’s anal rejuvenation. Not edible. [Kyle coughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

I- I, uh- I used it this morning and uh, it was- it was delightful. You know-

KYLE GETZ

You use it!?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Sorry, on your butt? [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

You know that stuff that Bed Bath & Beyond used to have, that was the like sugary like hand stuff, and then the way that your skin would feel after that?

KYLE GETZ

Mm-mm.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you know what I’m talking about? Yeah, there’s nods in the audience. That’s good. It’s basically- It’s like that, but that’s what my asshole feels like now, which is pretty- [Mike and Kyle chuckle] which is pretty great.

KYLE GETZ  

Do you want to show the audience, or-?

MIKE JOHNSON

No. No.

KYLE GETZ

Oka- [Kyle chuckles] Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

I mean-

KYLE GETZ

Hit Mike up on Grindr…? And-

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, maybe late- [Mike laughs] Maybe later.

KYLE GETZ

Do you send asshole pics?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uhm…

KYLE GETZ

Do you take asshole pics?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of your own hole, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t, I’ve never done it. I don’t do that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It is- It is- It is not for the weak.

KYLE GETZ

I- Have you tried?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yes. What you ended up doing is using a timer and sort of like putting your phone on the floor and squatting over it, but none [Kyle chuckles] of them have ever been like pretty enough that I wanted other people to see them.

KYLE GETZ  

I don’t think that’s the way you do it! [Mike laughs] I don’t think you should do it that way! Do you want… Do you want- Do you want me to take a picture of your butt? [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Absolutely not.

KYLE GETZ

Are you sure? That’s what- Friends take pictures of each other’s holes. [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON

They do not. They do not.

KYLE GETZ

I- Mike, I would take a picture of your hole if you wanted me to.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I appreciate that, Kyle.

KYLE GETZ  

My mouth tastes so bad. I should not have eaten that. [audience laughs, Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Well, you know…

KYLE GETZ

Can I have some more?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Life’s a- [Mike and Kyle laugh] Life’s about choices. Umm, yeah. Did you have another segment?

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, I’m gonna- Um, do you want me to- I have one more thing to talk about.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Move this away from me. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s do it.

KYLE GETZ

It smells very good. Okay-

MIKE JOHNSON  

It does. It really, really smells good.

KYLE GETZ  

The last thing I’m gonna do is, uh, there is the Reddit- the subreddit “Am I the Asshole?”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I’m- I searched for gay questions, so I’m gonna do “Am I the Gay Asshole?” Um, which question should I do? I picked a few. Um, we’ll do the one “Am I the asshole for telling my son he is obviously gay?”

MIKE JOHNSON  

…Is there more context?

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, already, we’re not off to a great start.

MIKE JOHNSON

It’s not a great start, yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, this- Their, uh- This mom’s son is 17, male, she said he’s masc-acting – um, so, cool, already gettin’ those lessons – and he “obviously [has] a boyfriend”, which, she said they like sit real close- It sounded adorable. They sit real close to each other, he calls him handsome, they share clothes, and he is-

MIKE JOHNSON  

At first I was thinking bromance, and then, like, you kept going.

KYLE GETZ

Oh, yeah. They, like, close the door when their alone.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. They could be just broin’ it up, just video games.

MIKE JOHNSON

You never know.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, sure. I need the door closed for my… I don’t h- I don’t know any video games. [audience chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Alien…

MIKE JOHNSON

Smash Brothers?

KYLE GETZ

…shooters? Sure. [audience laughs] Um- Uh-

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s the- We have a gamer in our Discord server who likes to say that, like, he goes to a video game sex party. So they Smash Bros and then they smash bros. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

That’s hot. I could play that game. Do I have to play the game though? Um, okay, so she said, quote, “Today I asked my son if was going to invite his boyfriend on our trip,” – he’s not out, has not labelled him as such – “and he got awkward and said ‘that’s not funny’, I asked what he meant and he said ‘Im straight, that’s not funny’ I laughed”…

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh…

KYLE GETZ

…“and when I realized he was serious I [started] laughing even harder.”

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh.

KYLE GETZ

Um, she told him he was very obviously in a relationship with this guy and he was bad at hiding it. Um, apparently he got emotional [Mike laughs] for some reason, and said not to tell his dad and then he got upset, and he hasn’t- he hasn’t talked to her in a couple days. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Well Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Uh, how do you feel about uh… this mom specifically, but more in general what you would have done in that situation?

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, if I were her or him?

KYLE GETZ

Oh, I mean, I guess either one, but-

MIKE JOHNSON  

I mean… first of all- Any context whatsoever, any two people, you do not ever have the right to tell somebody what their sexuality is, especially when they have told you what it is. And, just, until they say differently, that is the truth.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

You can have all of the conjecture, private thoughts that you want, but don’t you dare ever tell somebody else what their sexual orientation is, what their gender is, that’s just not how shit works.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

That makes you an asshole.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah, yeah. She’s absolutely the asshole. And, um… when she laughed at her son, that was horrifying. Yeah. So, other ways she could have handled this. One: not be an asshole. That would have helped.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

KYLE GETZ

Um, but two: you make it known that it’s, like, “I accept LGBT people.” Like, you know, you say it in a casual way. Show LGBT media and show support so that your son feels comfortable coming out to you, instead of forcing them out yourself.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yep.

KYLE GETZ

Everyone deserves to have the right to come out when and where they want.

MIKE JOHNSON  

The time, manner, and place of their own choosing. Absolutely.

KYLE GETZ  

Yep. That’s “Am I the Gay Asshole?”

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great, great, great. Uh, so be thinking about your Gayest & Straightest, y’all, because we’re gonna do that here in just a little bit for coffee mugs. I forgot, I have two coffee mugs. I also have uh, big stickers, if you want a big-

KYLE GETZ

Ooo.

MIKE JOHNSON

-a big sticker you can have one. There’s little stickers that everyone can have, down here on the end of the stage too, feel free to take one and, uh, I don’t know, piss off a Republican with them. Put them onto their car.

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Oh no.

MIKE JOHNSON

Um, yeah, so, for reasons I don’t- I still don’t understand, when you-

KYLE GETZ  

We just do things one time and then we just kind of always do that, so-

MIKE JOHNSON  

We take shots during our live show breaks. Uh-

KYLE GETZ

What did you bring?

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah, at this time I brought you – from our friends at Ole Smoky Moonshine-

KYLE GETZ

Oh, that’ll wash the taste of coffee asshole scrub-

MIKE JOHNSON

It absolutely should.

KYLE GETZ

-off my mouth.

MIKE JOHNSON

If it doesn’t- If it doesn’t burn your face hole going in there. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, this one is apple pie, this one is cinnamon- dynamite cinnamon flavored, and this one is Blackberry. Which one would you like, Kyle?

KYLE GETZ  

I want dynamite cinnamon.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That sounds bomb.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. I’m gonna-

KYLE GETZ

This is more than one shot.

MIKE JOHNSON

I’m gonna go with blackberry, but um- Uh, yeah, do you wanna take a break?

KYLE GETZ

Let’s take a break!

MIKE JOHNSON

Let’s take a break.

[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]

This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!

KYLE GETZ

Cheers.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Are you ready for this?

KYLE GETZ

No.

MIKE JOHNSON

Cheers.

KYLE GETZ  

Ey! I liked the scrub better.

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh!

KYLE GETZ

Eugh!

MIKE JOHNSON

Oh!

KYLE GETZ

How is yours?

MIKE JOHNSON  

[Mike smacks his lips a few times] It tastes, um, maybe a pop tart? It’s delicious.

KYLE GETZ

Mine tastes like a-

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you want this one, to get rid of the taste of that one? I brought three, so you have a choice.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah, I’ll sip on this one.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, great.

KYLE GETZ

What is this one, again?

MIKE JOHNSON

Excellent.

KYLE GETZ

Ole Smoky Moonshine. Cool, that’ll wash this right down.

MIKE JOHNSON  

It’s apple pie flavored.

KYLE GETZ

Oh. Oh, okay. Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Apple pie flavored.

KYLE GETZ

Okay.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, are you ready?

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

So are we back?

KYLE GETZ

We’re back!

MIKE JOHNSON

We’re back!

KYLE GETZ  

Um, we are gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.

MIKE JOHNSON  

We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first, next week is our sixth birthday. We are turning six, so be sure to tune in for our- [audience applauds] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Which is about five and a half years longer than I thought we would be doing this [Kyle laughs] but, uh- So tune in for that. We’re gonna have a birthday extravaganza next week. And um, yeah. That’s all I have in that department.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

Do you have anything to add?

KYLE GETZ  

No, I’m just trying to keep it together because of the various things I’ve ingested. [Kyle chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Alright. Uh, do you want me to do my- Oh, we’re gonna do our contact information.

KYLE GETZ

Yes.

MIKE JOHNSON

Our website is gayishpodcast.com.

KYLE GETZ

We are on socials, @gayishpodcast.

MIKE JOHNSON

Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.

KYLE GETZ  

This one isn’t helping.

MIKE JOHNSON

Well-

KYLE GETZ

They’re just- It’s all just mixing into a form like a- Um, uh, our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com?

MIKE JOHNSON  

And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.

KYLE GETZ  

…Oh, go for it. Get it. What’d you think?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Not as good as the blueberry.

KYLE GETZ  

No, I think you got the right one. Okay, um, Gayest & Straightest?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Let’s do our Gayest & Straightest. The straightest thing about me this week is playing pool with you last night.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

We went out to Somewhere Bar, which is a cowboy bar. Uh, it’s a gay bar but has pool, which, Madison Pub, in Seattle, similar vibes, right? It’s a sports bar but for gays. Anyway, yeah, I haven’t played pool in a long-ass time and, like, it felt-

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Yeah, it showed. [Mike and audience laugh]

MIKE JOHNSON

You did win both times, in the unsatisfying way.

KYLE GETZ

Well, but I won because- Yeah, it was so annoying ‘cause I was gonna win but then you knocked in the 8 ball. I think you did that out of spite because you didn’t want me to win for real. [audience chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

I-

KYLE GETZ

I don’t think you’re that- Actually, I don’t think you’re good enough to have planned that. [Kyle and audience chuckle]

MIKE JOHNSON  

I also scratched when all I had left was the 8 ball, thank you. That’s the other way I lost.

KYLE GETZ

[Kyle chuckles] Yep.

MIKE JOHNSON

Uh, but yeah, playing pool with you. And then the gayest thing about me this week is just the way that I packed for this trip here to Boise. Last night’s shirt was my daddy shirt. It says “Daddy” in a sports logo across the front of it. And then this one, which is my “Emotional support top” shirt that I got as a Christmas gift from a listener. So.

KYLE GETZ  

Um, my straightest is when I was walking on the flight, there was a like retired military gentleman standing to the side waiting and I did like the bro nod at him. Like, I don’t know him, I don’t respect the military or any- I don’t know why I suddenly was like “Sir.” Like, I don’t know what- I just- [Mike laughs] Like, the- Like the dude bro nod towards- I don’t know.

MIKE JOHNSON  

I would love to see you just, like, spontaneously salute, someday. [both laugh]

KYLE GETZ  

This is offensive, I’m sure. I’m sure I have to be some level to do this to you. Uh, my gayest is that after we were planning for this show we went home and we were gonna like keep going, and instead of doing that I got on Sniffies all night.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Great. [Mike laughs] The dating apps are kind of interesting here in Boise.

KYLE GETZ  

You get on them the second any plane lands, sometimes even before.

MIKE JOHNSON

Sometimes before the plane lands!

KYLE GETZ

How- How’s the- How’s the scene? How’s Grindin’?

MIKE JOHNSON  

Uh… surprising. Like, Boise is surprisingly chill and cool, and very visibly queer. I don’t know if that’s because it’s Treefort or if it’s just like that all the time but, um, Boise’s great.

KYLE GETZ

It’s like that all the time? That’s cool.

MIKE JOHNSON

And yeah, and Grindr seems pretty, like, I dunno, open?

KYLE GETZ

Oh!

MIKE JOHNSON

And people show their faces and chat, and, like, when I go home to Yakima County there’s like headless torsos and no picture at all all over the place.

KYLE GETZ

Yeah. Yeah.

MIKE JOHNSON

And that’s not the case here.

KYLE GETZ  

Yeah. I was kicked off Grindr, so…

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah you were.

KYLE GETZ

Um, does anyone wanna share their Gayest & Straightest? Um- Please come up to the mic so we can get it-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah, come up to the mic so we get it on the show, and then-

KYLE GETZ  

And then you’ll get a mug for being amongst the first.

DANNY

Very short mic though.

KYLE GETZ

Um- Yeah. [Kyle chuckles] Say your name. If you want to say your pronouns you can, uh, where you’re from, and your Gayest & Straightest.

DANNY

Um, so I’m Danny. There we go. Um, he/him and I’m from here. Uh, the gayest thing I’ve done this week: I’ve been writing a adult comic about gay trans cowboys.

KYLE GETZ

Yeaaah! [Mike chuckles]

DANNY

Been doing a lot of research for that. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] Um, and the straightest thing I did this week is I went to Home Depot. [Kyle laughs, audience applauds]

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Excellent. Round of applause.

KYLE GETZ

That’s amazing. You get a-

MIKE JOHNSON  

Would you like a mug or a sticker?

KYLE GETZ

Grab a mug.

DANNY

Yes, I would love a mug.

MIKE JOHNSON

Great. Excellent. I got one mug left, so if you want- if you want that, then uh-

KYLE GETZ  

Someone over here raise their hand… Oh, yeah, come on up!

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah. Yeah.

EM

Uh, my name is Em and I do she/they, um and the gayest thing I did this week was: I got to go on my first nonbinary date with another AFAB, and they’re also like she/they, and not quite sure where we’re at. So it was really cool to make that connection.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

That’s amazing.

EM

And then the straightest thing I did was, on Wednesday night when I got home and I was really tired from Treefort, I still gave my boyfriend a hand job instead of just going straight to bed. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] [audience applauds]

MIKE JOHNSON  

That’s fantastic. [Mike laughs] [Kyle sighs] Anyone else want to share? We’ve got stickers… Okay, great, excellent.

KYLE GETZ  

I mean, if you didn’t give someone a hand job though, like- [audience laughs] Well-

ERNESTO

Not this week

KYLE GETZ

Not this week. Okay. [Kyle laughs]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Day isn’t over yet, Kyle. Come on now.

ERNESTO  

My name is Ernesto. I go as- I identify as he/him. Um, I guess the gayest thing that I would have done this week would be confronting a gay podcaster that I- at the at the gay club, actually – The Balcony – and then – not sponsored [Mike and Kyle laugh] – and then the straightest thing for me, I guess, would be doing an oil change on a car.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeaaah.

KYLE GETZ

Wooow!

ERNESTO

Very heterosexual, I guess.

KYLE GETZ

That’s impressive. [Ernesto chuckles]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

I don’t know how to do that.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeah. Anything butch, like automotive repair, totally, totally, totally counts. Excellent.

KYLE GETZ  

That’s very impressive. [audience applauds]

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah!

DEREK

Um, I’m Derek, he/him. The gayest thing I did was – every day before I leave – making sure my wife thinks I look cool. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Uh, doing outfit checks. Uh, the straightest thing is being a white dude at a podcast fest- working at a podcast festival. And I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch.

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay. [Mike and Kyle laugh]

KYLE GETZ 

Nice. [audience applauds]

MIKE JOHNSON

Okay, well, thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for being here. Really appreciate your time and attention. Um, a big thank you to Treefort, especially Alicia who’s been absolutely fantastic to work with. [audience applauds] Uh, thanks to all of y’all that shared your Gayest & Straightest too. Really appreciate that.

KYLE GETZ  

I appreciate Treefort doing Dragfort this year. It’s extremely important that that kept going this year, and it- I went to The Balcony last night, it was incredible. Uh, go tonight. It’s going to continue to be incredible, but I’m very glad you all continue to do that and continue to celebrate drag.

MIKE JOHNSON

Yeah.

KYLE GETZ

Um, also, thank you to the people who give us the most money, we care about you more than anyone, our Super Gap Bridgers. Thank you to Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.

MIKE JOHNSON  

Yeaah! That is it. This has been Gayish, from the Treefort Music Festival in Boise, Idaho, and the Chris Khachatourians studios. I’m Mike Johnson.

KYLE GETZ  

I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.

MIKE JOHNSON

See you next week.

KYLE GETZ

Byeee. [audience applauds]

[Outro music plays, instrumental]

MIKE JOHNSON  

Grab a sticker. They’re up here on the- on the stage. And if you want to smell what my hole smells like, here’s this stuff. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]

[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]