Mike and Kyle talk about fingering tips, why giving the finger is gay, gay finger sizes, and whether fingering qualifies as sex.
In this episode: News- 9:01 || Main Topic (Fingering)- 15:53 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:02:03
Come see us live in Houston! Visit www.gayishpodcast.com/live for tour dates, details and tickets. We can’t wait to see you!
On the Patreon bonus segment, Mike shares more about the (misunderstood) history of The Black Cat in LA. If you want to support our show while getting ad-free episodes a day early, go to www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]
When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping [audience cheers] but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hello, everyone in the podcast universe. This is Gayish. [audience cheers and applauds] Aw, great.
KYLE GETZ
…The podcast that’s like a vacuum cleaner begging for the crumbies. [audience laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh. …We’ve talked about cummies, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
We’ve talked about the word “cummies”. Not a fan.
MIKE JOHNSON
Not down. Uh, yeah, I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz.
MIKE JOHNSON
And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality, and h-
KYLE GETZ
We’re so excited you’re here!
MIKE JOHNSON
Hello, Los Angeles. [audience cheers and applauds] Excellent. Excellent work on arriving. Uh, was everyone nice to you at the front door? [Yeahs from the audience] Because they’re their union labor, so we’re, like, trying to work out a thing. Um, big thanks to Akbar for hosting us, they’re wonderful, appreciate them. [audience cheers and applauds] Uh, it is of course a live show tradition that we do not reveal the topic of the show, for no good reason, until well into the show. Um, how’s your LA experience, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
Um, hot.
MIKE JOHNSON
It is so fucking hot here! [audience laughs] This is the sluttiest I’ve dressed for a live show ever [Kyle chuckles, audience woos] and it’s perfect. It’s just because of utility. Like, I’m just hot. [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
The lights reflecting off of Mike’s thighs right now [Mike and audience laugh] is its own spotlight. You are wearing- You have “Do me,” pants on.
MIKE JOHNSON
And it’s just for you. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
I know, I’m the only one that can see ‘em. That’s okay, I appreciate a little- [sounds of Mike moving around] Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
They’re like- [audience cheers] They go up there.
KYLE GETZ
So much legs.
MIKE JOHNSON
So much legs.
KYLE GETZ
Um, how’s your LA so far?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, what was that fever dream we went through last night? I-
KYLE GETZ
Okay, w-
MIKE JOHNSON
We went downtown…
KYLE GETZ
We went to… Well, first we got- We’ve eaten Mexican food for every meal, of course, and we got what I think is a very LA waitress. Her nose was kind of up, and she walked over and she’s like “Hiiiii.” [audience and Mike laugh] And I was like “Hiiii.” [Kyle chuckles] Um, she’s very sweet but it- “How are you doinnggg?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. It was great.
KYLE GETZ
It was delicious though.
MIKE JOHNSON
It was delicious, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And then we went to the Eagle.
MIKE JOHNSON
We did go to the Eagle. It was Meat Rack, was the name of the event last night. [a few cheers from audience] Anybody- Round of applause, you’ve been to Meat Rack? [audience applauds and cheers]
KYLE GETZ
Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. Great.
KYLE GETZ
It’s been a minute since I’ve been to an Eagle of any sort.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. They’re all, like- They’re not a chain; we’ve talked about that on the show before.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, there’s no central, like, Eagle management person.
KYLE GETZ
Right, right.
MIKE JOHNSON
But they all are, like, kind of dark, black paint, probably bars on the window, or inside, or both. And uh, this- It was, like, bear stripper night, I guess? Like, that’s what Meat Rack was?
KYLE GETZ
I think that’s- Isn’t that every night? [Mike and Kyle chuckle] I think that’s just the Eagle.
MIKE JOHNSON
I think that’s- Yeah, you might be right.
But this in particular… Okay, so we were sitting at this table and didn’t realize that, like, the box next to us was going to be where the dancing was going to happen. So, Adam got up and went to the bathroom – my fraternity brother, Adam, who’s working the door today – got up to went to the bathroom and then I sat in his chair. And the next thing I know, there’s a bear go-go boy stripping, like, right here at this level. And then he immediately, like, walked in front of me to bend down to talk to a patron and get money from them, and it was just his hole. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] Like, very, very close to me.
KYLE GETZ
So you had a second meal that night?
MIKE JOHNSON
Exactly. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
And then- And then- And then we went to h- Oh no, we went to The Black Cat.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Which, The Black Cat has history. I don’t know if you’ve been to The Black Cat. It’s here in Silver Lake but it’s like… Stonewall was not the beginning. Like, there were other riots and other- Not riots… r- Uh-
KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON
Raids.
MIKE JOHNSON
There were other raids that happened with the police, and we were organized well before that. Anyway, The Black Cat is, like, one of the places that that happened. That’s our Patreon segment this week.
KYLE GETZ
That’s gonna be for Patreon. Mike, like, did research for fun, so we decided to talk about it.
MIKE JOHNSON
I was on the plane, I was bored. Whatever.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Uh, and then we went to…
MIKE JOHNSON
The New Jalisco? [an “Oh” from the audience] …Ohh!
KYLE GETZ
Oohhhh!
MIKE JOHNSON
I did not understand what was going on. It was part quinceañera, part trashy go-go boy, part, like, farm convention? Like, everybody was wearing, like, jeans, and button up shirts, and hats. And, like-
KYLE GETZ
There were drag queens but they were just… women. They weren’t drag queens, they were just women that were dancing.
MIKE JOHNSON
They appeared to be, like-
KYLE GETZ
But they, like, had all the presentation of a drag queen.
MIKE JOHNSON
-cis women lip-synching and all of these men, like, putting cash down their breastages. Um, it was wild. But then- So, for a little bit, we were like “Is this a queer place? We don’t know.” And then one of the go-go boys – which, there were go-go boys, but that could be for the ladies; you don’t know – but he walked over and literally said “Hello,” by grabbing our hands and putting them on his penis.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, that’s just- You shake hands with your dick at The New Jalisco, everybody. [audience applauds]
KYLE GETZ
And [Kyle chuckles] you called his penis…
MIKE JOHNSON
A pork loin. That thing was- That was- It was impressive. [Mike and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
It was a fine “How do ya do?” if I say so myself.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um… Okay, we talked about LA enough. Uh… moving on! How many of you- Round of applause, how many of you have heard the show before? [audience applauds and cheers loudly] Excellent. And then the follow up question: round of applause, you Gayish virgins? [a few cheers and claps from the audience] Great.
KYLE GETZ
Yes!
MIKE JOHNSON
Excellent. You’re welcome. [audience and Kyle chuckle] Um, great. And then the other question I like to ask-
KYLE GETZ
I wanted to say it’ll all make more sense soon, but I don’t know if that’s true. [Mike and audience chuckle] At some point this show will make sense to you, but I don’t know. I don’t know. Probably not.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, round of applause, how many queer folks? [audience cheers and applauds loudly] Great. And then, other than anybody working the door, straight people? [Mike chuckles] [one audience member woos]
KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON
Yeaaah! [audience chuckles and applauds]
KYLE GETZ
This will never make sense to you. [Mike, Kyle, and audience chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Awesome. Welcome. I hope- I hope you survive your experience today. Well, so, just for you and you alone: this is a very not safe for work show, it’s R-rated. We talk about gay stereotypes. We do one topic a week. This will be episode 351, [a couple cheers and claps from the audience] so there’s a lot to go through if you want to. We’ve only missed a couple of weeks in, like, six and a half years. Um, please take as many selfies, and videos, and whatever as you want to, and then tag them @gayishpodcast; it gives Derek something to do with our social medias. And then, at the end of every show, we do our Gayest & Straightest where we talk about the stereotypically gayest and stereotypically straightest thing about us that week and- just to show that there’s a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B for everyone. So, if you would like to share yours at the end of the show, we would love to have you. There’s a microphone up here. We’ll have you give us your Gayest & Straightest and you can walk home with one of those mugs up there on the rail. Um, so be thinking about that, but you’ve got an hour or so to get your shit together. Um, speaking of getting our shit together, Kyle…
KYLE GETZ
Uh- Yeah, Mike?
MIKE JOHNSON
Behind this, like, vagina wall curtain thing that we came out of is, like, the green room.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
There’s no booze in the green room. [one audience member boos] Well, there were stacks of booze that seemed like they were for, like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Customers, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-for the bar and customers, that I don’t think we should have taken.
MIKE JOHNSON
Can we get- Can somebody get us booze?
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Booze-
KYLE GETZ
Is that it a- [Mike and Kyle then audience laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes, I love volunteers! [Mike laughs, audience claps]
KYLE GETZ
Is that a-
MIKE JOHNSON
Don’t pay for it, just, like, take one of the tickets from Adam at the door. And- Uh, okay.
KYLE GETZ
I didn’t know that was a power we had.
MIKE JOHNSON
I didn’t either! [audience laughs] This is magical. Does anybody wanna get me a go-go boy? [Mike and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Can I have a boyfriend?
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, great.
KYLE GETZ
Wow!
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, yeah. We also, at the end of the show for no reason whatsoever, we take a shot at a break. We do a break and we take a shot, and if you were to do shots with us, make sure you have a shot. Uh, again, toward the end of the show.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Did we do it, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
I think so. I think-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah?
KYLE GETZ
This is Gayish. Goodbye.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Alright.
UNKNOWN SPEAKER 1
What kind of beer you want?
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] What kind of beer do you want?
MIKE JOHNSON
A PBR, please. That would be great.
UNKNOWN SPEAKER 1
What do you want?
MIKE JOHNSON
PBR.
UNKNOWN SPEAKER 1
Oh, okay, cool.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
UNKNOWN SPEAKER 1
Rosé.
KYLE GETZ
Y- Yeah. That’d be great.
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike and audience laugh, audience applauds] They know you, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
I have a brand to maintain.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right? Exactly.
KYLE GETZ
I didn’t ask for Rosé. Um, I- Yeah, I think- Is it time for the news?
MIKE JOHNSON
Great, sure. Yeah, here’s the news.
[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Uh, news the first. So, apparently, Lil Nas X has a documentary coming out?
KYLE GETZ
I saw that. I mean, good for him, but-
MIKE JOHNSON
…Called “Lil Nas X: Long Live Montero” and it was supposed to premiere at 10pm at Roy Thomson Hall at the Toronto Film Festival this last Saturday night and then it was delayed because someone phoned in a bomb threat.
KYLE GETZ
Mm…
KYLE GETZ
‘Cause Lil Nas X is the problem, I’m sure.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, but yeah. So, uh, the security team said, quote, “Earlier this evening, we were made aware by the Toronto Police Service of an investigation in the vicinity of the red carpet for the ‘Lil Nas X: Long Live Montero’ screening. Our standard security measures remained in place during this time and the screening commenced with a slight delay.” Someone was quoted as saying that it was a credible threat that was specifically targeted to Lil Nas X because he is a queer person of color.
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
And um, so they- they shut it down. So I was like “Okay, how late did that- How late did it start?” It was supposed to start at 10 o’clock, the screening began at 10:30. [Kyle and audience chuckle] So I guess that’s all it takes. [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Never get in the way of a gay that’s mildly inconvenienced. [Kyle and Mike Chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Right, yeah. You know some bitch with a clipboard was like “We’re gonna get this figured out.” [audience chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Um, I’m st- Was there enough goin’ on with that album that we needed a documentary about it?
MIKE JOHNSON
I-
KYLE GETZ
I mean… it was- It was good, but…
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, and also, like, Montero, that was like what, 2021? 2022? I would think that you would want to, like, coordinate it better-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
-so that, like, the documentary came out, like, earlier.
KYLE GETZ
There’s been bomb threats for years, and it’s finally getting released.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um… but yeah, anyway, so he did a Q&A after the premiere and told the audience that he wants to branch out into [Mike chuckles] folk music or Brazilian funk. [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] I almost had him pegged for Brazilian funk. Sure. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Anyway, that boy hot. Okay-
KYLE GETZ
Great. [audience chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, news the second. So, first out gay NFL player, and top three people who I want to crush with my- with their thighs, Carl Nassib, is retiring.
KYLE GETZ
Sorry, this is a football guy?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
You know this bitch! Look; this bitch. That’s him and his boyfriend.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, the gay one!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [audience laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Okay, okay. I’m here with you. Okay, got it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Carl Nassib! Yeah. He played for the Cleveland Browns, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Las Vegas Raiders… Thanks, John Paul.
KYLE GETZ
Thank you so much.
JOHN PAUL
You’re welcome.
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike chuckles] This is so great. Anyway, he said, quote, “Football has given me more than I ever could have imagined. I can truly hang up my helmet for the last time knowing I gave it everything I had.” He’s retiring at the ripe old age of 30. [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
I mean, don’t stay in football too long; that shit fucks up your head!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That knocks your shit around.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Your brain isn’t supposed to jiggle like that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Keep your head intact and work on that hole instead. Right?
KYLE GETZ
Wow! [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Um… yeah, Carl Nassib is retiring. Carl Nassib, sit on my face. [giggles from audience] Okay, news the last?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great. News the last. So, there is a survey from the University of East Anglia, in collaboration with King’s College London and University College London, so all in the UK. They were studying the way that mpox… We’re not supposed to call it “monkeypox,” it’s “mpox”.
KYLE GETZ
Right. Right, right, right.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, they were studying the way the mpox spreads but then they got a whole bunch of information about the sex habits of people, because that was the point.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, but they discovered that many gay and bisexual men over 70 have multiple sex partners per month.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, great!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. There’s-
KYLE GETZ
That’s exciting.
MIKE JOHNSON
There’s hope for us.
KYLE GETZ
I can’t wait to be over 70 and having multiple sex partners. [Mike, Kyle, and audience chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m in my 40s and it’s not happening. So, like… [Mike, Kyle, and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Was this a surprise to them? Like-
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, there’s just- So, you know that study – I think we talked about it on the show like a million years ago – that was trying to say that, like, the body count of gay people was still in the single digits, and I was like “No it is not”? [Mike and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
“You are wrong about that.”
KYLE GETZ
That’s a tough pill to swallow. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
But this is pointing to that instinct being correct. They spoke to more than 5,000 people and found that straight women over 50 basically don’t bang at all.
KYLE GETZ
Aww.
MIKE JOHNSON
They found that 79% of heterosexual women and half of straight men over 70 had zero sexual partners in the last three weeks.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, I get it.
MIKE JOHNSON
But, by contrast, almost 20% of gay or bi men over the age of 70 reported more than one sex partner in the last three weeks. And they- Only 2% of straight people over 70 reported multiple partners.
KYLE GETZ
Only 2%?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Man, those 2% though… they’re livin’ it up. [Mike, Kyle, and audience chuckle] They’re enjoying their life, as we all should be.
MIKE JOHNSON
I legit- Like, I really- I hope that that’s true. You know what I mean? Like… ageism is real, especially in the gay community.
KYLE GETZ
For sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
And the idea that, like, well into your older age you could still be just, like, fuckin’ up a storm is pretty amazing, I think.
KYLE GETZ
That’s why I wanna live at a gay retirement home. [Mike laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god.
KYLE GETZ
I can just fuck everyone. Like, [Mike and Kyle chuckle] they’re all right there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Can you imagine, like, it’s 2070-something maybe and, like, Lady Gaga’s playing in the rec room and, like… [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Po-po-poker face.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Like “I was there. I remember.”
MIKE JOHNSON
You’re eating dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon and reminiscing about Lil Nas X or whoever…
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Go to the guy next door to get fucked.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right? Right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, apparently even straight old folks homes are just, like, riddled with STIs. [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
I know, right? Hot.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. Uh, anyway, that’s the news, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
That’s the news! Speaking of the news, I want to thank Patreon? I didn’t have a good segue. That’s okay. Um, I just wanted to say thank you to Patreon because Patreon is the reason that we can even do this tour.
MIKE JOHNSON
True story.
KYLE GETZ
So if you are- Anyone a Patreon here- member here? [claps and cheers from audience]
MIKE JOHNSON
See? And I thought they all came to the Chicago show.
KYLE GETZ
You all know. Um, if you want bonus content, episodes, support us, you can go to patreon.com/gayishpodcast.
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely. Ooo, you’re grabbin’ your sign.
KYLE GETZ
It’s time for the topic reveal, I think.
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike chuckles] Is it? Okay. So, like I said, we, uh-
KYLE GETZ
Your thighs… Sorry, they’re like- They’re- They’re…
MIKE JOHNSON
Here, let me pull my sh-
KYLE GETZ
No. No, no, no, I didn’t- You don’t have to stop. [Mike laughs] They’re just right- They’re just right there lookin’ at me.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Uh, yeah, for no good reason, we hide the topic until right now. And so what I want you to do, like Family Feud-style when they turn over the leftover answers and the crowd yells them back, we want you to yell the topic at us on the count of three. Is everybody ready? [agreeance sounds from audience] Great. 3-2-1…
AUDIENCE
Fingering!
MIKE JOHNSON
Fingering. We’re going to talk about fingering. [audience chuckles] Yeeaaaah. [audience cheers and claps, Kyle laughs] Nobody looks uncomfortable about that at all. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I’m so excited to talk to you about fingering, Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
Are you?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great!
KYLE GETZ
Um, also, during the show, when we point at you we want you to say “fingering”, because it’s fun to make people yell “fingering” at you. So…
AUDIENCE
Fingering!
MIKE JOHNSON
Excellent.
KYLE GETZ
Thank you so much. Are you ready for me to start?
MIKE JOHNSON
Um… Oh, well, we were gonna blame this on the Patreon Happy Hour.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
We asked Patreon Happy Hour, like, “Hey, what are some suggestions for live show topics?” and this one came up. Those happen every quarter, so if you ever want to, like, join us, everyone- every level of Patreon is welcome. And um, so that way we don’t have to be blamed for the topics today.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, it’s not our fault. We just-
MIKE JOHNSON
Unless you love it. Then, it was totally our idea. [Kyle chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Um, okay, now are you ready for me to tell you…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
…about the tips?
MIKE JOHNSON
Tips for…
KYLE GETZ
Sorry.
AUDIENCE
Fingering!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeaah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, tips for fingering. So, I wanted to start by- Uh, there was a question on askgaymen, on the subreddit askgaymen, asking “any tips for fingering a guy?” The details were “I’m probably gonna finger a dude’s ass in a few days. is there like something that’s not obvious that would help me? idk lol” [Mike and audience laugh] So, this is-
MIKE JOHNSON
“Not obvious”.
KYLE GETZ
Non-obvious tips. The comments were pretty obvious, but we’ll go through those and other tips that I found on the internet. The first one is: be gentle.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes. Yes! Be gentle.
KYLE GETZ
Sorry, do we need to back up and be like “Fingering, with gay dudes, you stick it their butt sometimes and it can be-”
MIKE JOHNSON
A finger. You put a finger up their butt. I don’t know. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Or to- Or- Okay. How many until it’s fisting?
MIKE JOHNSON
Right.
KYLE GETZ
Right. I think it- I think thumb has to be- No, but you can thumb someone and that’s not fisting. So it has to be all five to qualify. I think- I think… So we’re talking four or less fingers in the butt.
MIKE JOHNSON
…Is fingering.
KYLE GETZ
…Is fingering. Right?
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Kay. [agreeance from audience]
KYLE GETZ
I’m asking Mike. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] He’s the one with the microphone. Um, so, yeah, to start off, be gentle. Use lube, and a lot of people in the comments recommended silicone lube.
MIKE JOHNSON
Why?
KYLE GETZ
Because it lasts longer. I think the water stuff you have to reapply.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. But… Okay. That’s th- It doesn’t matter what you’re putting up there. You need to reapply, I think.
KYLE GETZ
There’s- Silicone lube, that lasts for days. You’ll be lubed up tomorrow if you silicone lube. [Kyle and audience chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
There was this one time way back in the day when we still worked at [beep sound] that I, um, went to the gym with somebody and he tried to do a handstand and just immediately fell on his ass, and it’s because his hands had gotten sweaty and had lube on them and he just couldn’t get traction.
KYLE GETZ
Oh noooo. [audience and Mike laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
So yeah, you’re right, it lasts a long time.
KYLE GETZ
It lasts a bit. I like silicone, that’s what I prefer.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Um, this is the most obvious one: cut your nails.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes!
KYLE GETZ
Thank- Yes. [audience and Kyle chuckle] Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
In the fisting episode, which we got a bunch of hate mail about this week from this one dude, so I, like, then went back and relistened to it so that I could- I was all incredulous, I was gonna defend myself. But uh, in that, we said “wear a glove” and that you don’t have to cut your nails, you can just put cotton balls in the tips of the glove and put the glove on.
KYLE GETZ
That’s weird advice for fingering, I think.
MIKE JOHNSON
Think so?
KYLE GETZ
Yes. Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
I think that would be weird to- A gloved, cotton balled hand that you’re fingering with?
MIKE JOHNSON
Hm.
KYLE GETZ
That-
MIKE JOHNSON
I like the gesturing, that’s good. [Mike and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
I mean, this is one of the tips: you go in and you kinda go “Oh yeah, that’s- This is how you find the prostate.” Okay. …If he’s laying on his back, and you’re facing him, you go “Eh! Eh,” and that’s how you hit the prostate.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. In, palm-up, and then like a “Come here.”
KYLE GETZ
Like a “Come here.” Oh yeah, I think you’re doing this-
MIKE JOHNSON
Sailor. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
It’s only a few inches deep, so you don’t have to- Like, you don’t have to get all- You don’t have to get in there, you can just stick a finger or two in there and just do a little “Come here.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Unless you’re me. I think my prostate is, like, 14 inches in there because, like… can never find it.
KYLE GETZ
That may be the problem. I don’t think it’s 14 inches deep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, I’m looking too hard.
KYLE GETZ
You’re looking too deep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great. [Mike, Kyle, and audience chuckle] Um, yeah, it’s not as deep as you think.
KYLE GETZ
Um, in addition to cutting your nails, if you’re not gonna do the weird gloved Q-tip thing then…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, cut your nails. Just, like, wash your hands and cut your nails, please.
KYLE GETZ
Cut your nails a day before. File them so there aren’t any sharp edges. And someone said- A tip is: to find out if your nails aren’t filed enough, try to scratch the inside of your mouth. And if you can scratch the inside of your mouth, yeah, that’s… Okay. [chuckles and grumbles from audience] Right? Like, that’s- The inside of your mouth is anus-like. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] It is. Mine is, but that’s a different story. Um, let’s see… Put down a dark towel or waterproof blanket.
MIKE JOHNSON
“A dark towel”.
KYLE GETZ
A dark- Oh, yeah, I mean… you know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I know.
KYLE GETZ
You know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I know.
KYLE GETZ
You know. [Mike laughs] You know. [Kyle chuckles] Um, let’s see… When- I think this is a key one that a lot- Now every time I use my finger to make a point, I’m gonna feel uncomfortable about it. [Mike and audience chuckle] Look… when you insert your finger- [Kyle chuckles] I’m gonna insert my finger in you. Um, when you- Consensually. [Mike and audience chuckle] When you insert your finger – this is a tip from the internet – in the first 30 seconds to a minute, let the receiver just get used to the sensation of having something up there. Start moving once the receiver is a little bit more used to the feeling.
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Kay.
KYLE GETZ
So, you don’t have to dive in and go swimming, you know? Like, you can jump in and kinda hang out there for a second.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Acclimate.
KYLE GETZ
Acclimate.
MIKE JOHNSON
You know.
KYLE GETZ
Get used to the water.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right.
KYLE GETZ
Feel it out. Well, don’t- Sorry, don’t feel it out. Okay, um, if it gets uncomfortable, if it gets really uncomfortable, stop. It might be a little bit uncomfortable but, if it’s too uncomfortable, stop. And this is a good tip, is that the receiver-
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s a good tip for everything sex, really. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
For most everything, yeah. Um, whoever is the receiver is the one that is in control. It seems like it’s the opposite but this is how, like, dom/sub things work too.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, the receivers should be the one who is in charge. Um, this is an easy one but a good one: ask if he likes it. I lie when people- You know, if they’re doing something that’s just mediocre and they ask if I like it I say “Yes.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Really?
KYLE GETZ
I don’t want to be mean. [Mike and Kyle laugh] I don’t know. What am I gonna do, like “Nope!”? “How is this?” “Bad. Try it again. Do something different.”
MIKE JOHNSON
“Do better.”
KYLE GETZ
“Do better, differently.” Ummm… let’s see. Uh, when you’re touching his prostate, the type of touch, it’s better to do a deep massage, more of a deeper massage, than a caress.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
So you’re not- You’re not, like, brushing past it, you know, on the way to grocery store. You’re- Deep massage. Like, get in there?
KYLE GETZ
Get in there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, and lastly, if- Look, if some poop makes a cameo, it’s no big deal. Get some soap and water.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
You’ll be fine.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, you’ll be fine.
KYLE GETZ
Um, any other tips, Mike, that you have for fingering?
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, goodness… I mean, booze helps. [audience laughs]
KYLE GETZ
That’s a good tip. Yeah, for my sex, mostly it’s like “Be drunk.” [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Um…
KYLE GETZ
That’s bad to-
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, so I will say, like, maybe do it in the bath at first? Or at least, like- I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
To try it out?
MIKE JOHNSON
To try it out.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Or, like, in the shower. Like-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m not super into piss play, but one of the things I hear over and over again is, like, “Pee on each other in the shower first.” Because then you’re, like, you’re already in the shower.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, if you’re not into it, great. It’s gonna wash away.
KYLE GETZ
Wow. Yeah, if you’re taking a risk and trying piss play and you’re not sure… yeah, shower for sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
But, like, similarly, like, if you’re in the bath or a hot tub then, like, that, I think, feels safer. As a person who’s, like, very worried about the poop part, I think that that makes it safer.
KYLE GETZ
I got fingered in a hot tub. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] I just remembered.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, it was fun.
MIKE JOHNSON
Do you want to share more about that, or-
KYLE GETZ
Um, it was with a hookup buddy who tries to stay after and talk to me and I’m like “I don’t need to know about your job, dude.” Like-
MIKE JOHNSON
“Just shut up and go.”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. “Where are your clothes again?” Like “Let’s get-” Anyway, but he’s super hot though.
MIKE JOHNSON
“No, don’t talk to my dog. Get your shit and leave.”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. But he invited me over and we had a four-way in the hot tub.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh… Ooo!
KYLE GETZ
It was fun!
MIKE JOHNSON
Who were the other two?
KYLE GETZ
Uh, I don’t know. [Kyle, Mike, and audience laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
Well, I met them.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
…And then I met them.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Uh, what do you got, Mike?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, well, okay, I’m gonna talk you about the history of…
AUDIENCE
Fingering!
MIKE JOHNSON
Except, not really.
KYLE GETZ
I’m warm. [Kyle chuckles] I just got really warm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Four-way fingering in a hot tub, and that’s the bar?
KYLE GETZ
That’s the line. Whew, thanks for this rosé. Sorry, you’re gonna talk about not the history of fingering.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, I am gonna talk- It is related, but I’m gonna talk to you about this kind of fingering. [Mike and audience laugh] Uh, I just flipped off the crowd, everybody at home.
KYLE GETZ
Is that because, like, we’ve been sticking stuff up our butts, including fingers, since forever?
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Like, have you seen the adorable videos of, like, the monkeys who, like, poke each other in the ass with their fingers? And, like, there’s-
KYLE GETZ
No. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
There’s this adorable monkey baby who, like, puts his own finger up his own ass, and then smells it and falls out of the tree.
KYLE GETZ
Ah. [Kyle and Mike chuckle] Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Anyway, like, the primates have fingers and they put them in things, and that includes each other. So, like, it’s prehistoric. But the finger gesture, as like an insult, goes all the way back to ancient Greece and it was also used in ancient Rome after that. But the thing that I didn’t realize is that it is legit supposed to be the phallus. And, apparently, the fingers next to the middle finger are the testicles. But um, it was used in ancient times as a symbol of sexual intercourse and it was supposed to degrade, intimidate, and threaten the individual receiving the gesture. They had- Their name for the bird was the “katapygori”. [TN: katapygon] “Katapygori”, which is from “kata” meaning “downwards”, and “pugē” meaning “ass”…
KYLE GETZ
Poo gate!?
MIKE JOHNSON
…“rump, buttocks”. Um, but it meant “downwards asshole” is what it meant, and it was supposed to be- It referred to a man who submits to anal penetration. So this was “This is going in your ass.” You’re being fingered by that finger when somebody flips you off.
KYLE GETZ
Hot. [audience laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
And, um, I just never really thought of it as, like, “Oh, that’s a dick or something that’s meant to go inside of somebody,” but that is the origin of that hand gesture. Um, it came to the United States in the 1890s because of Italian immigration. The Italians have been using it for a long-ass time but it was them moving to the States in the 1890s that, like, made it a thing here. Baseball players- It’s a baseball player, is the first photograph of somebody flipping the camera off, is a baseball team.
KYLE GETZ
Do you know which one? I don’t know any baseball teams.
MIKE JOHNSON
No.
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know why I asked that question.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know the answer because I didn’t write in down.
KYLE GETZ
Didn’t care? Yeah. [Mike chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, and then- I think it’s- I thought it was really interesting, reading up on this, that apparently in Canada it’s your right to flip people off.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, is that like free speech?
MIKE JOHNSON
There was a court decision in 2023, just this year in February, that said- There was a Canadian man who was accused of criminal harassment because he flipped people off, and the judge said, quote, “To be abundantly clear, it is not a crime to give someone the finger,” Flipping the proverbial bird is a God-given, Charter-enshrined right that belongs to every red-blooded Canadian.” [audience applauds, Mike chuckles] “It may not be civil, it may not be polite, it may not be gentlemanly. Nevertheless, it does not trigger criminal liability.”
KYLE GETZ
Okay. [Kyle chuckles] It’s our right to flip people off. I guess so.
MIKE JOHNSON
The man was acquitted. Uh, so then that got me on down this thing of, like, other kinds of fingering, and by that I mean other kinds of, like, obscene gestures. Apparently, the V-sign, if your palm is toward you, is super offensive in Commonwealth nations. So we’re talking like New Zealand, Australia, not Canada, which I don’t understand why not. But yeah, so, a V out is great because that’s a victory signal or a peace sign, but the other direction is like you’re flipping people off. And uh, which apparently some of our politicians in the past have gotten in trouble because they didn’t know the difference.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, there’s the dulya which is the fig sign, and it looks like this. If you do the, like, the “I’ve got your nose, little baby,” thing- [Kyle and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
That’s perfectly clear for our listening audience, I’m sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. But in, like, in Russian countries, Russian-speaking countries especially, this is a similar like “Fuck you,” kind of a gesture.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s also used that way in Indonesia, Turkey, Korea, China, Mongolia, and Hungary. Then there’s the sign of the horns, like this. Like if you think of, like, a death metal band doing-
KYLE GETZ
Or you’re making a dog- little dog with your-
MIKE JOHNSON
Or like that. Same thing.
KYLE GETZ
This is UT, hook ‘em.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hook ‘em horns. Apparently-
KYLE GETZ
Which, they told us not to do that in Spain.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
They were like “No.”
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m glad that you said it before I said it, Kyle. Don’t do that in Spain or in Italian. Uh, which, part of it is because it means you’re calling somebody a cuck. It’s about-
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Also hot.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s about-
KYLE GETZ
This is great!
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s about cuckolding. And uh, in fact, the words- The slang for “cuck” or “cuckold” in Italian, Greek, and Spanish is “cornuta” or “cornuto”, and that means “horn”.
KYLE GETZ
Hm.
MIKE JOHNSON
So you’re calling somebody a cuck. Uh, there’s the moutza which’s in Greece, which is five fingers spread wide and the palm pushed towards somebody. Or you can do a double moutza, which looks like jazz hands to me. But, like- [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Oh, that, to me, is like Hadouken! What is it on Street Fighter? [Mike laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. It does look like that, you’re super right. But yeah, it’s a very similar obscene, obscene gesture. I guess thumbs up is bad in in Iran and Iraq because it means “Shove it up your ass,” or “Go fuck yourself.”
KYLE GETZ
We have a lot of, like, ways to say like “Go fuck yourself,” or “I’m gonna fuck you,” or “I’m gonna fuck someone.” Like, we have a lot of hand things that say that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. And the “okay” symbol is not okay in Turkey, Tunisia, and Greece, or in parts of the Middle East because that is a butthole and you’re saying that you are a homo.
KYLE GETZ
Because- Because of the butthole?!
MIKE JOHNSON
Because of the butthole.
KYLE GETZ
But- [Kyle scoffs]
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike laughs] That’s a thing you’re into. That’s what you’re saying with “okay”.
KYLE GETZ
But, Mike, we all have butts.
MIKE JOHNSON
We all have butts.
KYLE GETZ
Everybody has a butt.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, and then last but certainly not least in this, like, other kinds of fingering. I’m super excited by this [Mike chuckles] thing that I found-
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, and- Okay, what’s this called, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
That’s “One in the pink, two in the stink.”
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s called the…
KYLE GETZ
Oh, the shocker!
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s called the “shocker”.
KYLE GETZ
I knew it before you said it! [audience chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
This is this is the shocker, also colloquially said as “Two in the pink and one in the stink.” [Mike chuckles] Which, very clinically, Wikipedia says “[which is] the number of fingers inserted into the vagina and [into the] anus respectively.” [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] They also make it clear that, if you put your thumb, you’re also saying that you’re willing to stimulate the clitoris while you’re doing that.
KYLE GETZ
Oh! Everyone… [Mike chuckles] put out your thumb when you’re doing the shocker! Focus on her pleasure. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
…For once.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, um, I found- [Mike chuckles] I can’t- It makes me giggle. Uh, there’s this whole history to it. Apparently there was a bunch of high school students in this – uh, I think was here in California – that really made the shocker famous. And that was back in the late 90s and early 2000s. But the thing that I just keep laughing about is this thing I found on collegehumor.com, which is variations of the shocker.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. I didn’t know we needed that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, it’s: one finger, that’s the teaser; the pleaser, two fingers; the shocker; and the Spocker. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh, a cheer from the audience]
MIKE JOHNSON
They also go on to say “the rocker” and “the showstopper” but just the fact that is was “the teaser”, “the pleaser”, “the shocker”, and “the Spocker” makes me so happy. And uh, on melmagazine.com there’s this whole article and it’s called “Can the ‘Shocker’ Be Redeemed?” and they talked to this woman named Lauren who’s 29 and they were asking her “Have you ever actually done the shocker?” And uh, somebody on Reddit said, quote, “The name is awful, but the act is fun!” “Female here. Tried it and though I’m turned off by the name the act I so good” “My husband does [it] to me on a regular basis, I can knock out an orgasm fast that way.”
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle laughs] When you need to knock one right out!
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike chuckles] Uh, but this Spocker… which I can’t get over, especially because Ethan Peck is fuckin’ hot and he plays to the new Spock and, like, he can do whatever he wants to to me.
KYLE GETZ
I only know that because, whenever he’s on screen, you go “Hot Spock!” [Mike and audience chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Because that boy hot! Um, but she says that she and her husband have even tried the Spocker, which is- We’ll put it on social media, but it’s Leonard Nimoy’s famous “Live long and prosper,” hand signal from Star Trek. And uh, she said, quote, “If the shocker don’t rock her, Spocker.” [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
That’s beautiful. Anyway, that’s different kinds of fingering, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Um, well, you know, what I’m gonna tell you about… is some gayta.
MIKE JOHNSON
Gayta. Everybody loves the numbers.
KYLE GETZ
Yep. So I’m going to tell you gayta on…
AUDIENCE
Fingering!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeaaaah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, but to start off, I need to ask a question.
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Kay.
KYLE GETZ
What is sex?
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God, Kyle. What is anything?
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] What is life?
MIKE JOHNSON
What is life?
KYLE GETZ
What is this world?
MIKE JOHNSON
What is sex? So, we’ve talked about this a few times on the show but I have boiled it down so that my personal definition of sex is “Anything anyone does with someone else that could lead to them having an orgasm.” So, for most people, that is some kind of a physical stimulation of the genitals in a way that could lead them to get there. Now, I feel problematic about that, because I don’t think that orgasm is necessarily, like, the end-all be-all reason for sex. Sometimes it’s nice to, like, just get fucked and not cum, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And that’s totally valid. But I think that anything that you could do with someone else, that one of you is gonna have an orgasm, I think that that’s what counts is sex. So making out, no; making out with their dick, yes. [Kyle and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Well, this study tried to decide “What do people count as sex?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
So we’ll try to answer this question, at least according to what – in general, on average – what people think. This study is called the “Sexual Behavior, Definitions of Sex, and the Role of Self-Partner Context Among Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Adults”. This is by Kelsey K. Sewell, Larissa A. McGarrity… and Donald S. Strassberg…
MIKE JOHNSON
Nailed it. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
…in the Journal of Sex Research, in 2016. They asked people the question “Would you say you ‘had sex’ with another person if the most intimate behavior you engaged in was …” blank.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
And then they had filled in the blank with 11 different possible things.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
And people said “Yes,” or “No,” “Is this sex?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
So, for men, there are two things that – men having sex with men – there are two things that hit 90%.
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Kay.
KYLE GETZ
And everything else was less than two-thirds of people thought it was sex.
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Kay.
KYLE GETZ
So there was a clear two things that were sex. …Do you know what they are?
MIKE JOHNSON
P in the A.
KYLE GETZ
Fuckin’ and being fucked.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. So those two things, for men who have sex with men: insertive and receptive anal intercourse. A little over 90% of people said that “Yes, that is sex.” Who are the 10% that said “No, that’s not sex”? That’s- I don’t- [audience laughs] I don’t know why we’re not really sold that that’s sex.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god, maybe the- Mormons. [audience laughs and hollers] …I had- There was this Mormon girl in my high school who swear to god that there was this thing among Mormon kids, that fucking in the ass didn’t count in the eyes of Jesus, so that was okay.
KYLE GETZ
Mmmmm…
MIKE JOHNSON
That it was the P in the V sex that they had to be worried about; that the P in the A was fine.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
The loophole!
KYLE GETZ
I didn’t- [Mike chuckles] I did not consider how many Mormons were in this survey. [Mike laughs] But that- But that’s not ten per- I don’t know. Anyway, um, there are three things that were that over 50% of people said “Yes, it’s sex,” and that’s 69ing…
MIKE JOHNSON
Great, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
…that’s blow jobs, and-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Which is just half the number of blowjobs of a 69.
KYLE GETZ
…Yes. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] There’s 69 and then half of 69, which is just a blow job. Um, and then rimming. Those are the three things that over 50% of people said that “Yes, it is sex.” So, not on the-
MIKE JOHNSON
Should we start calling blowjobs a “34 and a 1/2″? [Mike, Kyle, and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
I like it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
I really like it. Um, so, fingering, only 42% of people said that “Yes, that was sex.”
MIKE JOHNSON
…I mean, I disagree, but okay.
KYLE GETZ
Do you think fingering is sex?
MIKE JOHNSON
I think I- …Yes.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
And here’s the thing: I might have- Like, my instinct might be to say “No,” but I recapitulated just a little bit ago my personal definition of sex, and you can for sure make somebody cum just with your fingers. So it’s sex.
KYLE GETZ
There is- The second to lowest one on this list is “dildo in anus”. [Mike and audience laugh] 39% of people said “Yes, that is sex.” If you put a dildo in my ass..? You- We had sex. Like that’s what- I’m one of the 39% of people.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I- Yeah. Um, for-
MIKE JOHNSON
But, what is a dildo but a really big finger? [Kyle and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
It’s basically fingering me with a plastic… you know. Um, for women however, women having sex with women, there was nothing that hit over 90%. No one sex act was- No one act was over 90% said “Yep, that’s definitely sex.” So, things ranged anywhere from 23% to 80%, but it was just this kind of big range of… Why are you giving me that look?
MIKE JOHNSON
I just- Nothing’s good enough, I guess. I don’t know. [Kyle and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Well, okay, so here’s what the study said, and it’s really smart so I’m just gonna read it instead of trying to say it in my own words. “If penile penetration is a crucial component of definitions of sex for most people and there are no behaviors in which women in same-sex encounters engage involving penile penetration, it is reasonable that no gold standard would exist for these women”. So it basically- Like, we think of putting a penis in something as sex.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
And, anything else, we don’t, or a lot of people don’t, consider that sex. So it makes sense, with two women, there’s just a spectrum of what people consider might be sex.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m back on board. Okay, that makes sense. It’s- Lesbians ruined the curve on that one.
KYLE GETZ
Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, got it.
KYLE GETZ
Um, 80% of people said 69ing was sex, and that is the top answer.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Okay. Did scissoring make the list? I’m-
KYLE GETZ
…Yes, scissoring made the list and 69% said it’s- [Mike, Kyle, and audience chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Nailed it.
KYLE GETZ
It’s sex. [audience applauds]
MIKE JOHNSON
Nailed it.
KYLE GETZ
Love that for them. Um, let’s see… Other things that made above 70% were: eating out, dildo in vagina, double ended dildo. Um, something that-
MIKE JOHNSON
They got real specific.
KYLE GETZ
They got real specific.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like “hanging upside down in the garage”… Like- [Kyle and audience laugh] ‘Kay, great.
KYLE GETZ
Um, let’s see… Fingering also had 69% said that that is sex. Uh, mutual- Oh, “mutual fingering”. That is… uh- Oh, no, sorry, fingering a vagina is 69%, mutually fingering each other’s vaginas is 62%, and fingering their ass is one of the lowest ones at 48%.
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Kay.
KYLE GETZ
So we- I don’t know. We don’t really think of… On average, it is not one of the top sex acts.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeaaah. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
We don’t necessarily think of- Oh my god, thank you. We do not necessarily think of, um, fingering as sex.
MIKE JOHNSON
…Is that water? [audience and Mike chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
In a little tiny glass.
KYLE GETZ
Have a sip and see if that’s water. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm, no, but thanks. We do need shots for everyone. It’s time to take shots.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So that’s helpful. It’s just GBH maybe. It is LA. [Mike, Kyle, and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Wow. Um, that’s the gayta.
MIKE JOHNSON
Awesome. Well, I just had- This is a little quick segment, but I do want to talk about “Is…”
AUDIENCE
FINGERING.
MIKE JOHNSON
Is fingering safe.
KYLE GETZ
Mm!
MIKE JOHNSON
In my head, I thought- Oh, that’s tequila. I can smell it now.
KYLE GETZ
Yep. [Mike and audience chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, is fingering safe? So, I think of most things that are, like, masturbation, handjobs, even oral sex I think of as being, like, super-duper mostly safe.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And I had, in my head this idea that fingering was, like, mostly without risk at all. And I think that’s true, but there is a big asterisk, and that’s just what I wanted to share with everybody. The Journal of Sexually Transmitted Infections had this study, and the objective was, quote, “To determine whether patients with genital warts carry … (HPV) DNA on their fingers.”
KYLE GETZ
Ohh. I wouldn’t have thought about that.
MIKE JOHNSON
And uh, so they had 14 men and eight women with HPV, with genital warts actually, and they had samples taken from genital lesions, their fingertips, and the tips of their fingernails. And then they studied those samples for the presence of HPV DNA and the results were the HPV DNA was detected in all of the female samples – fingers – and 13 out of 14 of the men.
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, it was detected in the finger brush samples of three women and nine men, and the same HPV type was identified in genital and hand samples in one woman and five men. The conclusion was that they’ve identified that hand carriage of genital HPV is possible. “Although sexual intercourse is considered the usual mode of [transmission] genital HPV infection, our findings raise the possibility of transmission by finger-genital contact.” So… just be careful.
KYLE GETZ
Be careful. I thought one of the biggest risks is, like, if you, like, kind of scratch or tear up the inside of your butt, then that makes- Like, lesions and stuff make you more likely to get, like, STIs, or HIV, or whatever.
MIKE JOHNSON
I think that’s true, probably. That sounds- Let’s just pass it off as fact, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
That sounds factual.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re doctors. We’re basically doctors. No, but if people followed your, like, tip-top top tips from the beginning, they cut their nails and it’s fine.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Um, I guess, in a similar vein, there’s, um… I have something from myvagina.com that- [Mike and audience laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Do you have that bookmarked, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
Oh yeah. Oh, it’s my daily read. They give you vagina affirmations.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
No. I don’t know. Um, uh, but another question: can fingering result in pregnancy?
MIKE JOHNSON
…Uh… [Kyle and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
You would think “No,” except why did I ask then, if that’s the answer?
MIKE JOHNSON
I think probably, yes. I’m gonna guess “Yes.”
KYLE GETZ
Um, it can’t unless…
MIKE JOHNSON
I went to Zillah public schools, so… [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Oh. I went to school in Texas.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
They teach you “Just don’t.” Like, that’s sex education, “No.” Um… You can get pregnant if you’re ovulating or near-just-past ovulation and are fertile, and there is live sperm on the fingers doing the fingering.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
So that’s a really specific set of scenarios that probably won’t happen.
MIKE JOHNSON
How long can- How long can sperm live on your finger?
KYLE GETZ
That’s a good question. I don’t know. Myvagina.com didn’t have any more details, [Mike and Kyle chuckle] so I have no idea. Okay, I am going to… tell you about finger length.
MIKE JOHNSON
Finger length?
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Is this the whole, like, “If this finger’s longer than that finger, you’re a faggot,” or whatever?
KYLE GETZ
Um, almost. It’s if your index and ring finger, it’s the comparative size of those. So…
MIKE JOHNSON
Wow. Yours are like the same length, and mine- Like, whatever knowledge you’re gonna drop on me…
KYLE GETZ
Mine are not the same length. It’s about your left hand, actually.
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Kay.
KYLE GETZ
Um, anyway, let me tell you the information before we start comparing.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great. A study by researchers from the University of Essex, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, they looked at 32 identical twins… which, I love twin studies because that’s, like, you control for so much in that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, but the sexual orientations were different. They looked at the relationship between the index finger and the ring finger. And so, for women – typically, for women – their index finger and ring finger are similar in length. For men, there is a greater difference between your index finger and your ring finger. And we’re, like, talking centimeters here. So, like, you’re not- It’s not like- You know, you’re not gonna be able to look at your fingers and know if you’re, like, stereotypically woman or man fingers. But, so women typically had index and ring fingers similar in length. Lesbians had more male-typical finger length than their straight cotwin…
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
…but just in their left hand. So, on their left hand, their ring and index finger were more simil- or, more different in length.
MIKE JOHNSON
Wild. Wild. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, so the possibility is that lesbians are exposed to testosterone in the womb and that’s one of the reasons that they’re a lesbian. Um, for gay men-
MIKE JOHNSON
But only on the left side?
KYLE GETZ
But only on the left side, got the testosterone.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s really confusing.
KYLE GETZ
I have no idea. Um, and for gay men there was no statistical difference. So there’s nothing- We were looking at our fingers with no reason. [audience laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
I need to cut my fingernails. Anyway-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, don’t finger me yet. [Mike laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Ooh!
KYLE GETZ
Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
Thanks, Josh!
JOSH
You’re welcome. [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Um… Oh, thank you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Gonna try to take advantage of us later, maybe.
KYLE GETZ
Finger me in an alleyway. Um… another example. This is just another example where- We’ve seen this in other cases, where just what happens, like, prenatally, influences- might be one of the reasons we’re gay, might influence why- like, our sexual orientation.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
So, that’s your finger length.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s so interesting.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Isn’t that wild?
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t… There’s so many things that, like, you know, big- You know, what big feet means. …Big shoes, but also a giant horse cock. But no, like, but there’s-
KYLE GETZ
But we just talked about that on our episode about…
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s not true.
KYLE GETZ
…somethin’ else.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, there’s, like, height apparently actually might have something to do with penis size, but, like, just barely.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yeah, I talked about that. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But, like, the way that our bodies work is really wild. And the fact that there’s just, like, some random-ass finger length difference can, like, help you figure out if somebody’s a lesbian or not… I just-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, just for lesbians though. That’s so weird.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um… Okay, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
I have to figure out how to do this. I didn’t practice this.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Wow. That makes me nervous already.
MIKE JOHNSON
I did so much thinking about fingering on the way here. [Kyle and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
I mean, whom among us, you know?
MIKE JOHNSON
And, on the plane, I decided to bone up on words that are parts of the body that are also verbs. [Kyle chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
And I wrote a love letter to Kyle and Gayish.
KYLE GETZ
Aww. [audience awws]
MIKE JOHNSON
And here we go. So, I’ve got to hand it to you, Kyle: when we were first eyeing the idea of starting a podcast, I wasn’t sure we’d be able to stomach each other this long. [audience chuckles] Turns out we rarely butt heads though, and when we do we work it out. Remember when we were just starting to nose our way into the podcasting scene? It seems like just yesterday we were a baby podcast teething on our first shitty microphone. I really wondered who would listen to a couple of assholes jaw on about gay shit. I was also nervous, maybe the subject matter would taint our professional reputations… [audience laughs and applauds] and we’d get the shaft. But we elbowed our way up the charts to become a decently-sized podcast and eventually I muscled you into doing a tour. I agreed to head up all the live show preparations. At first, I wondered who would shoulder the burden for paying for all this but, because so many people on Patreon have decided to toe the line and back us, we’ve been able to foot the bill for tour costs. It’s expensive, which is why I’m going to brain anybody I find out that’s decided to hamstring us, and scalp their tickets. I really thumb my nose at that kind of selfishness. After the show, let’s belly up to the bar and order drinks and get some food. Spit your gum out or gut it before our order arrives. And let’s make sure the food isn’t too hot; I don’t want to burn myself and then tongue that gross loose material on the roof of my mouth all night. When we’re hanging out with all these listeners later, if I mouth you the words… [Mike silently mouths words] it means I want to neck with the boy I’m talking to or possibly even throat him. [audience applauds and cheers] I probably won’t fist him though. [audience and Kyle chuckle] Or maybe I will; there’s more than one way to skin a twink… er, a cat. [audience laughs] I’ll decide that after I start…
AUDIENCE
Fingering!
MIKE JOHNSON
…fingering him. Anyway, thanks for being my friend and going on this journey with me, Kyle. Every week we hole up in the studio and put this shit together. I like making you laugh or cock your head to the side in confusion. If I rib you too much for having a dog that won’t heel, or not for being able to palm a basketball, just knee me and I’ll stop dicking around. This podcast is still the most important thing I’ve ever been a part of, and let’s face it, I could never bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality without you.
KYLE GETZ
Wow! [audience applauds, awws, and cheers] That was beautiful.
MIKE JOHNSON
Now, how many body part verbs did I use?
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Anybody wanna guess?
AUDIENCE MEMBER
69!
KYLE GETZ
69 is the guess. [Kyle and Mike chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Fuck. I fucked up. I should’ve done 69. [Mike laughs] Uh, 39, Kyle. I did 39.
KYLE GETZ
Wow. What does it mean to “brain” someone?
MIKE JOHNSON
To “brain” somebody? Hit them in the head.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I thought it meant- What’s that cal- Oh “teabagging”. Never mind. [audience and Mike laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Sorry. Was thinking of the wrong thing. Um, should I- Should I tell you somethin’ else?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah! Let’s do it. I have this- In my notes, it says we’re gonna talk about assorted…
AUDIENCE
Fingering!
MIKE JOHNSON
Assorted sorted fingering. Kyle…
KYLE GETZ
Yeah! Assorted- Well, my first assorted fingering…
MIKE JOHNSON
Right.
KYLE GETZ
Um… National Fingering Day? [oohs and a “What!?” from the audience] There are- Right? [Mike laughs] There are conflicting reports about when National Fingering Day is, so we need to get to the “bottom” of this. [audience and Mike laugh] Um, Urban Dictionary says it’s on April 15th, because the definition of National Fingering Day, on Urban Dictionary, is “On april 15th single or taken grab a bitch and go at it”. [Mike laughs] Well, I don’t know about that, Urban Dictionary, but… Um, on whatnationaldayisit.com it says April 19th, so maybe National Fingering Week? We got a week in there?
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. I support Fingering Week
KYLE GETZ
Fingering Week? [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
It should be five days! [Mike and audience laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Or 10.
KYLE GETZ
Or 10. Or 10, or 10. Or 10, if you’re Jewish. [Mike laughs] Um, okay- No. The real topic I’m gonna talk about is: is it gay for a guy to…
AUDIENCE
Finger!
KYLE GETZ
…himself? So, this was a post to random-
MIKE JOHNSON
Is it gay for a guy to finger himself?
KYLE GETZ
This was a post to the subreddit RandomQuestion and- Wow, you’re baffled. Why- This is an easy answer, to me.
MIKE JOHNSON
“If you bang your clone, is it masturbation?” This is like- These are the questions.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, no. “If you masturbate, is it gay?” Like, no. Like… is-
MIKE JOHNSON
Is it- It is jerking somebody off.
KYLE GETZ
It’s true.
MIKE JOHNSON
Go ahead. Go ahead. I interrupted.
KYLE GETZ
No, no, no. Um, the answers to the question- No, that was the question. So- [Mike laughs] What?
MIKE JOHNSON
Do I- Okay. …No. And here’s the thing: I think- Okay, straight guys, I hear you also have a prostate and that it is good, and you should let your lady play with it. And if you need to play with it yourself first, great, you should. That is not gay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So we- Like, so what if it was? You should be okay with it being gay, straight guys, because there’s nothing wrong with being gay, but don’t not finger yourself because you think it’s gay, because it’s not.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
But it should be. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. [Mike and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
No, no, you were there all the way until the end. Yeah, no, I think that’s true. The people on the internet were surprisingly chill about it four people said “No, it is not gay,” two people said “Yes,” and one person said “It depends.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
I didn’t- This answer didn’t make much sense; I don’t know what it “depends” on. [Mike chuckles] Um, the people that said “No,” said- One of the answers I thought was very eloquent: “There’s a difference between what you want to do sexually and who you want to do it with. What you want to do has no bearing on your sexuality. Who you want to do it with is the only thing that does. If you’re a guy and not attracted to other guys then you’re not gay. Full stop.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Agreed.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I thought that was a really smart thing. [audience applauds] Someone else – “Is it gay for a guy to finger himself?” – someone else said “No. Your g spot is up there, happy hunting!!” [Mike and audience laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m still looking. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
I swear it’s there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
You just gotta… find the right person, with the right sized finger? Find a lesbian? Make sure her fingers are even? I don’t know. Um, yeah, I think you’re I think you’re right on that we assign so much gayness to butt stuff, and it shouldn’t be that way. But then that creates this whole taboo around butt s- I mean, you even talked about, in some of the hand signals, that, like, doing a certain hand signal, it’s gay- it means “You’re gay,” because it’s a butt and butts are “gay”. And I think we need to- You’re right.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, if flipping somebody off is “This is a dick and I’m gonna put it in your ass, and that makes you gay…” it’s your finger, dude.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. “You’re so gay that I’m fingering you.” Like..? [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Yeah. So I agree with you and this smart commenter that it’s not gay to put your finger in your butt. Especially if you’re a cis dude, you have a prostate up there and that feels good to touch.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
KYLE GETZ
Do you like fingering?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uuumm… well…
KYLE GETZ
Well..?
AUDIENCE MEMBER
It’s broken.
MIKE JOHNSON
My prostate is broken, that’s absolutely true. [someone cheers] I do, and I think, um- Uh, first, I think that, like, it’s a super important part of anal. Like, I-
KYLE GETZ
It is?
MIKE JOHNSON
I had a friend with benefits last year, last summer, who was, like, surprised that I was being a gentle top and warming him up first. And I was like “That’s not a- Like, tops don’t do that? Because I should do. Like, get ready.” Like “My dick is bigger than this so, like, let’s start with this.”
KYLE GETZ
See, I get myself ready.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, well, okay.
KYLE GETZ
I don’t need a man! Well, until I do. [Mike and audience chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
You also have a tiny butthole, right? So, like-
KYLE GETZ
That’s true. So I gotta do some- I gotta do prep work before he gets there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And so, by that time…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Toss it in me… [Mike laughs] bro.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. Alright.
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
No, I think- I think it’s nice. I think that it’s like a… I don’t know. It’s a very intimate act, that’s for sure.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And can be hot, and fun, and part of the process. So yeah. As we’re getting fingered, I don’t know- I don’t- Okay, first, I don’t really like dildos. And fingers aren’t dildos, I’m not, like, equating that, but, like, there’s definitely something about, like, the feeling. Like, if I can feel his fingernails or feel, like, the skin is different- Like, your finger skin is kind of rough, or can be depending on the dude.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
That doesn’t feel great.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, I don’t know. How about- Like, how about you?
KYLE GETZ
There’s a- I agree. I think there are a lot of ways it can go wrong. So, I- [Kyle chuckles] I think there are more ways it can go wrong than right. So, receiving, I don’t love it. I’ve done it a couple times with, like, partners that I trust, and it felt, like, super good because they were just finding that… You know, they were doing the “Come hither,” motion just right. Um, but I actually really like fingering guys.
MIKE JOHNSON
You’ve said that before, on the show. Again, I relistened to the fisting episode because I was mad that that person was angry at us, and, um-
KYLE GETZ
Good reason to do anything.
MIKE JOHNSON
But you said in there that, like, you forget how much you like fingering somebody until you do it.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah! Yeah, yeah! It’s a lot of fun! It’s like… I don’t know, it’s a whole different world that you don’t usually live in. It’s like you see things from the whole different side of the world.
MIKE JOHNSON
I was married to a woman, so I-
KYLE GETZ
Ohhhhh. That’s right.
MIKE JOHNSON
A big “Yes,” to that, but have you ever fingered a lady?
KYLE GETZ
I have not.
MIKE JOHNSON
A vagina?
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yes, I did! Oh yeah! Oh my god.
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Cause if you were gonna go with “I have not,” I was gonna say “We talked about this at breakfast and you said you did, you fuckin’ liar!”
KYLE GETZ
And yes I did. God. [audience and Mike laugh] I need to apologize to my high school girlfriend who I tried to finger once. [audience chuckles, someone cheers] No one had any fun. It was- It was horr- It was the- It was so bad. It lasted for like 20 seconds and it was like “Nope, stop. Done.” Like, I didn’t- I had no idea what was going on.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Well, it sounds like less than ideal for her as well.
KYLE GETZ
Oh yeah! Oh yeah. No, worse for her, I think, than for me. But I did not enjoy it. What- So- But you fingered your wife? [Kyle chuckles] That’s a weird thing just to ask a person?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, I mean, like, I did. I did. Absolutely. And, like, the thing- Okay, vaginas are great, Kyle. The reason vaginas are great is they’re self-lubricating.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That’s not- Butts don’t do that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Butts don’t do that!
KYLE GETZ
Well, any kind of lubricant you find is… an accident. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s leftovers. [audience and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Whoops!
MIKE JOHNSON
Oopsie! Uh, but yeah. Yes. Yes, I absolutely did. It was fun. I thought it was fun.
KYLE GETZ
You liked it?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah! Why not?
KYLE GETZ
Huh! Would recommend?
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
Okay. Alright.
MIKE JOHNSON
Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
I think I- Oh, I did, and I knock it. [Mike laughs] I fully knock it. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, alright, did we do it?
KYLE GETZ
I think we did it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, so, in just a second we’re gonna take a break, but we’re not going anywhere so don’t leave. People in New York fucking got up and left [audience chuckles] because they’re like “Well, I guess we’re done now.” We always take a break. It’s so that we can sell ads. [Mike and Kyle chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Just so we- To have an ad spot.
MIKE JOHNSON
But, per live show tradition, we always take a shot when we take a break. So if you would like to take a shot with us, that would be great. Thank you to whoever brought us this.
KYLE GETZ
Thanks for these shots.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, um, uh, I guess- Is that it? Are we, like..?
KYLE GETZ
Oh, you need to stall enough so that I can get the break song ready.
MIKE JOHNSON
You’ve got this, girl.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
I believe in you. Okay, great. Should we take a break?
KYLE GETZ
Let’s take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s take a break. [audience applauds and cheers]
[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!
KYLE GETZ
Boy, I don’t know that taking a shot was such a great idea. [Mike chuckles] It never is. I’m never like “Oh, we took a break and I took a shot. I’m so glad I did that.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Right. Right, right, right, right, right. Well, there was that one time that it was like Portland Podcast Festival where it was Maker’s Mark.
KYLE GETZ
Oh yeah, ‘cause they sponsored it.
MIKE JOHNSON
And you looove whiskey.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Jesus. What did I say? Oh, “It tastes like tomorrow’s regrets, today.” [Mike and Kyle chuckle] “Whiskey.”
MIKE JOHNSON
They did not turn that into a bumper sticker.
KYLE GETZ
They di- I don’t think they supported that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh god, okay. Um… are you ready?
KYLE GETZ
Whew. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, are we back?
KYLE GETZ
We’re back!
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re back! [Mike chuckles,, audience cheers and applauds]
KYLE GETZ
We are going to do our Gayest & Straightest.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first… Our website is gayishpodcast.com.
KYLE GETZ
We are on socials, @gayishpodcast.
MIKE JOHNSON
Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.
KYLE GETZ
Oof!
MIKE JOHNSON
You alright?
KYLE GETZ
[strained] Doin’ great. Um, our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.
MIKE JOHNSON
And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109. Um…
KYLE GETZ
A couple programming things.
MIKE JOHNSON
A couple of programming things. So, first, next weekend, on- Well, the whole weekend is Pride48 Live Streaming Weekend. It’s a whole crew of different LGBTQ and LGBTQ-friendly podcasts. We’ve been hanging out with those guys for many years now, and this will actually be their last Live Streaming Weekend. But if you go to pride48.com you can listen to stuff all weekend long. We will be streaming Sunday at 4pm Pacific. That is-
KYLE GETZ
So this Sunday, if you’re listening to this when the regular podcast comes out.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s right, Sunday the 17th at 4pm Pacific. So tune in. Pride48.com, or I think we’ll also be streaming to Facebook.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, will we?
MIKE JOHNSON
[quietly] I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, okay. Pride48.com.
MIKE JOHNSON
Don’t hassle me, Kyle. [Kyle chuckles] And then, uh, we will be doing a live show in Houston, Texas, right in your backyard.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah! I grew up outside of there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Speaking of fingering… “your backyard”? [Mike and Kyle chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Okay, yeah. I got it. I got it.
MIKE JOHNSON
That is Sunday October the 15th. Tickets are on sale. Go to gayishpodcast.com/live to buy tickets.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Uh, Gayest & Straightest?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, let’s do our Gayest & Straightest. Be ready to do your Gayest & Straightest, y’all.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, I’ll go first.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright, so, the gayest thing about me this week, you called it: I was playing music on my phone because I’ve had in my head now for a while… What song was it that I said was stuck?
KYLE GETZ
Ed Sheeran… something about a mountain?
MIKE JOHNSON
Ed Sheeran! Castle on the Hill was stuck in my head, which could be my straightest of the week.
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, but the gayest of the week was: like right after that, my phone decided to place Throat Goat by Kim Petras. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] And Kyle was like “That’s your gayest of the week right there, happening in front of us live.” Yeah. And that’s absolutely true.
KYLE GETZ
Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
And then- Well, it was either that or shaking hands with that boy’s pork loin dick last night.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, right?
MIKE JOHNSON
But anyway, the straightest thing about me this week was: the boyfriend took me to a wallaby farm.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
There’s a wallaby farm outside of Seattle. It’s kangaroos-
KYLE GETZ
A farm for wallabies.
MIKE JOHNSON
Kangaroos and wallabies. And this man who, like, raises them from babies and, like, feeds them with bottles so that they’re not assholes… because kangaroos in the wild are assholes.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
These are just like pets. They just, like, roll up to you and, like, say “Hey.” The straightest thing though was, like, this man was not a person I was prepared to come out to. So, like, total butch mode came out.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yeah? Why, when you were with your boyfriend?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. We stood, like, several feet apart at all times. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Um, it was really fun though. If you get a chance to hang out with wallabies, y’all, it’s great.
KYLE GETZ
That’s a weird- Yeah. Weird situation that that would come up, I think.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Uh, and boyfriend made out with one! It was fun.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, you need to clarify. You keep saying that. You need to clarify that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, one of the tame kangaroos has the- like, clearly been circus trained or whatever, and so he gives you- Like, they gave us all this bread to feed them because they love it, and gave him a piece of bread and had him put it between his lips and then the kangaroo, like, kind of climbed up him and ate it out of his mouth.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And then gave him a hug.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah! It was cute.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’ll show you the video. Anybody who wants to see the kangaroo making out with my boyfriend video… [Mike laughs] happy to show. Um, but yeah, how about you? What’s up?
KYLE GETZ
Uh, my gayest is definitely going to The Eagle and seeing someone lick that go-go boy’s butthole.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. That happened! [audience laughs] That definitely happened.
KYLE GETZ
He was very excited to see him… clearly!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. They knew each other and it was consensual, but it was also like “Hey, how’s it going?” and then he turned around and then that man put his face in his butthole.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah! I don’t know what amount you have to tip to get that service, but I didn’t do that. [Mike laughs] Uh, my straightest is I spit. I spit over the side of a bridge… [audience chuckles] like a dude.
MIKE JOHNSON
Do we need more context?
KYLE GETZ
No.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
There was- I don’t know. I just- I just decided to spit [hawks some spit] like a sports player.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. Alright.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Go, sports!
KYLE GETZ
Go-go, sports. [Mike laughs] Um… does anyone want to share…
MIKE JOHNSON
Does anybody want to share…
KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON
…their Gayest & Straightest?
MIKE JOHNSON
My goodness. The man with the beard is the first one that I saw, because it’s very bright up here. So come on, come on up. [audience applauds and cheers] Please be sure to tell us your name.
SCOTT
Hello, my name is Scott otherwise known as Explosive Lasagna.
MIKE JOHNSON
Aw, great! [audience applauds and cheers]
KYLE GETZ
Hi!
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
Finally! Finally!
SCOTT
I had a plan, but my straightest tonight is showing up to the show early and spilling my beer over my new friends. [Mike, Kyle, and audience aww]
MIKE JOHNSON
Did they deserve it? [Mike chuckles]
SCOTT
Eh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright.
SCOTT
My gayest is planning a trip around coming to see my favorite podcast, and whorin’ my way from Culver City up to West Hollywood. [audience cheers]
KYLE GETZ
Yeeees!
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
Good job! Good job!
MIKE JOHNSON
So wait, Scott, are you not from here?
SCOTT
I am from the mountains of Colorado.
MIKE JOHNSON
Really?
SCOTT
I am.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my goodness.
KYLE GETZ
Wow. Welcome.
MIKE JOHNSON
Welcome.
SCOTT
Thank you.
KYLE GETZ
Um, and you get a mug, right behind you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeaaah!
KYLE GETZ
Thank you so much for sharing your Gayest & Straightest.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank you.
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, wait.
TERRENCE
Oh!
KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON
Hi!
TERRENCE
My name is Terrence.
KYLE GETZ
Hey, Terrence.
TERRENCE
Patreon up in this bitch. [audience applauds and cheers]
MIKE JOHNSON and KYLE GETZ
Yeaaaah!
TERRENCE
Uh, so my Gayest & Straightest are actually kind of s- like, very related.
MIKE JOHNSON
We love a twofer.
TERRENCE
they’re intertwined.
KYLE GETZ
Yep. Yep.
TERRENCE
So, I recently bought a Dremel and, like, a saw attachment, like, goggles, glasses, was working on this whole, like, project.
KYLE GETZ
Wow!
TERRENCE
Getting sweaty, like, drinking alcohol, all the things. [Kyle chuckles] But it was to make my concert outfit for Beyoncé. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh, audience applauds]
KYLE GETZ
Oh my gosh, that’s amazing.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s fucking magical. Thank you. Hey, girl, hey.
RUDY
Hi, I’m Rudy. Longtime listener and Patreon member.
KYLE GETZ
Hi, Rudy!
RUDY
Uh, my straightest is I always have tools in my car because I’m the handy homo of my friends and I always fix and build things for them.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, nice.
RUDY
My gayest is that I crocheted you guys a gift in honor of your award-winning podcast.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god! [audience applauds and cheers]
RUDY
And hopefully it will help with your, um, issues you have, Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh god. Oh my god! [Mike and Kyle laugh, audience cheers and applauds]
KYLE GETZ
Oh my god.
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
That’s a really big finger!
MIKE JOHNSON
This is the biggest crochet cock and balls I’ve ever seen.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
RUDY
It’s not the largest I made, so… [Mike laughs] I did make one for Ma Johnson too, so… [audience cheers and applauds, Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I have never seen a crocheted dick and balls? It’s so lifelike. [audience laughs]
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
Oh my god. [audience laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright, well…
KYLE GETZ
Thank you so much.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mom… [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Next time we see her.
MIKE JOHNSON
Next time we see you, got a gift for you. [Mike and audience chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Awesome, awesome.
KYLE GETZ
Who else?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, somebody else? Somebody else wanna go?
JOHN
Hi, my name is John. Uh, I’m the guy who uses your mouth, Mike, for the election PSAs.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, nice! [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. You make Mike say smart things, which is very, very sweet of you.
JOHN
Uh, anyways, my straightest is actually I am moving from the Bay Area to DC, and basically all my earthly belongings are in my car right now and they’re all, like, disheveled and everything. Basically, I’m, I guess, sleeping like a straight guy for a very long time, [Mike and Kyle chuckle] until I go to DC. But my gayest was: last week I was in Portland, Oregon, and I was hanging out with some friends and they decided to go to a male stripper bar and I got-
MIKE JOHNSON
Was it a Silverado?
JOHN
Silverado, yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeaaaah! [Mike laughs]
JOHN
No, and we also went to Stag afterwards. So we went to both.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
JOHN
Uh, and I got my first lap dance from an adult entertainer.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh! Congrats. [audience applauds]
JOHN
And yes, it went really well.
KYLE GETZ
It went well. That’s good to know. That’s good to keep in mind.
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright, we’re out of mugs but we’ll take more if you want to do one.
KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
REGULAR-SIZED RUDY
Hey, um, I’m also Rudy, Regular-Sized Rudy. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
I love Bob’s Burgers.
REGULAR-SIZED RUDY
Uh, yeah, so my gayest of the week is I got a tattoo of a bottle of poppers. I got Double Scorpio right here. [Mike laughs, audience cheers and applauds]
KYLE GETZ
Oh my god, yes!
REGULAR-SIZED RUDY
Double Scorpio.
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
Show it!
KYLE GETZ
Show it. Oh my god, don’t take up your pants… yet.
REGULAR-SIZED RUDY
Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe? Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Do that later. Oh my God. Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Oh yeaaah! [audience cheers and applauds]
REGULAR-SIZED RUDY
Aaoow! [Mike laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s magical.
REGULAR-SIZED RUDY
I still have the SecondSkin on there, so it looks a little funny. But uh, my straightest of the week is I was actually wearing a way gayer shirt [Kyle and Regular-Sized Rudy chuckle] and I was on my way, I dropped my whole cheeseburger on here. [Mike and Kyle laugh, audience groans] I had ketchup stains. So I reached into the backseat of my car and I just grabbed the first thing I saw and I was like “Okay, I guess I’m wearing this.”
KYLE GETZ
Perfect. Thank you so much.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank you, thank you, thank you. [audience applauds]
KYLE GETZ
Is there anything gayer than a poppers tattoo? I don’t- That might be up there with the gayest.
MIKE JOHNSON
Is there anything straighter than a cheeseburger stain? [Kyle laughs] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Come on.
MIKE JOHNSON
Come on. Let’s do it.
KYLE GETZ
What’s yours?
MIKE JOHNSON
We can give you a limited edition Gayish tour poster because I accidentally packed some.
ERIC
[Eric laughs] If you’re not ready now, maybe San Francisco, or Houston, or whatever.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
ERIC
Uh, so my uh-
MIKE JOHNSON
What was your name?
ERIC
Eric.
MIKE JOHNSON
Eric. Hi, Eric.
ERIC
Hi.
MIKE JOHNSON
Is-
ERIC
Bottom. What? [Mike and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] What’s your Gayest & Straightest?
ERIC
So, my straightest is I’ve been redrawing a sketch of my air vent for my ‘05 Wrangler to print on my 3D printer.
KYLE GETZ
Wow! [Eric chuckles]
ERIC
Pretty fuckin’ straight.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, absolutely.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s like big tech bro vibes.
ERIC
My gayest is I recently- So, on Friday night I went to an event at The Bullet Bar, it was Cocksucks, and I met up with a guy who used to be a bartender in Atlanta and suddenly he’s now here going to USC and I was like “The fuck?” So I got to reconnect with somebody that I haven’t seen the longtime, over 3000 miles away. [Eric laughs]
KYLE GETZ
That’s amazing. That’s amazing.
MIKE JOHNSON
At an event called “Cocksucks”?
ERIC
Uh, yes. Were you guys here Friday?
MIKE JOHNSON
“Coccyx”?
ERIC
“Cocksucks”. “Cocksucks”.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Cocksucks”.
KYLE GETZ
No.
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
Socks!
KYLE GETZ
Socks!
MIKE JOHNSON
Socks!
ERIC
Socks. [Eric and Mike laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Got it. Got it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank you.
KYLE GETZ
That sounds very gay, thank you. [audience applauds]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, Kyle. Yeah. Yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
AUSTIN
[static-y mic audio] Hi, my name is Austin. Mine kind of goes hand in hand too.
So I have-
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, sorry.
AUSTIN
Oh. There I am.
MIKE JOHNSON
Go ahead. Go ahead.
AUSTIN
Uh, I have a rule about spiders: if I am the manliest person in the room, I will handle it. Which happens rarely, [Mike, Kyle, and audience chuckle] so I don’t handle too many spiders. But I was in a room full of queers and there was a spider needed dealt with, I dealt with it, and then a couple days later I was in a room with one of my girlfriends and her boyfriend and I jumped up on the couch and screamed like a little bitch and I was like “Ahh! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it!” [Mike and Kyle chuckle, audience cheers and applauds] Straightest and gay.
KYLE GETZ
Perfect.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, goodness, Kyle. We did it! I think we did it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Another live show under the belt.
KYLE GETZ
Under the wraps.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’ve fingered this real good.
KYLE GETZ
We’ve put it up our butts real good.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, thank you to all of you for being here. Give yourselves a round of applause.
KYLE GETZ
Yes, thank you so much. [audience applauds]
MIKE JOHNSON
Appreciate your support and love. Um, thank you to Dave and the awesome staff here at Akbar, they’ve been wonderful to work with today. I really appreciate that. [audience applauds] Kyle and I need to, like, you know, wrap this shit up and pack up, but we’re gonna make Derek do most of the work and hang out and just…
KYLE GETZ
Say “Hi,” and chat.
MIKE JOHNSON
Meet-and-greet, whatever. Yeah. So be sure to stick around, and then tip well because they’ve been super nice to us here. And thanks to everybody who did their Gayest & Straightest just now from the audience, we really appreciate that. And uh, thanks to my friends Clara Lewis and Dr. Adam Feller for working the door today. [audience cheers and applauds] Really appreciate the two of you, you’re amazing.
KYLE GETZ
And… there’s a select group of people we like to call our “Super Gap Bridgers” that give us money, and we appreciate them most of all. Thank you to Kitt, Oliver, Andrew Bugbee, William Bryant, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Waddu, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna… [audience applauds] Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank you.
KYLE GETZ
Thank you so much.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank you so, so much. Um, that’s it! This has been Gayish. From Akbar in the Silver Lake neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, and the Chris Khachatourians studios, I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.
MIKE JOHNSON
See you.
KYLE GETZ
See ya next week.
MIKE JOHNSON
Next week. Oh, Kyle. [audience cheers and applauds] Oh, your laptop hates you. [Mike laughs]
[Outro music plays, instrumental]
[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]